#so i put on the video and went down a path of watching and rewatching some of his old videos

[alex-just-vibing]

i love dantdm istg if i ever find out he's done something shitty i will sob he's like one of the only youtubers ive been watching for a long time who hasnt got into something (that i know of)

[cubicle-thoughts]

I binged all of the Attack on Titan anime in 7 days (May 18-24, 2024). I'm left feeling philosophical and existencial. The fans who went through 10 years of emotional attachment while I just breezed through them in a week, makes me feel like I missed out....

I missed out on not just being a part of the community during it's peak, but I feel like binging them left me little room to process my emotions of the series as I jumped from one plot to the next. I gobbled up the episodes like a mindless Titan and only halted when I was working. Only in Hange's death did I feel like taking a genuine break from watching.

While processing the emotions, I realized "huh, I must've really loved her character". I barely shed a tear but I made a sad face which was more than the reaction I had for Erwin's death. Speaking of his death, I didn't "feel" it when he was dead dead, I felt it when Levi made the decision to make it permanent. So I was more sad for Levi upon Erwin's death.

I had to rewatch her death scene via a clip on Youtube because I wanted to "feel" it again. It still hurts especially her afterlife scene. Erwin always being at the front of her and Levi's imagination when looking back to their fallen comrades, never fails to add more emotions. To cheer myself up I rewatched the video of a Hange cosplayer dancing to "talk dirty to me" hahaha iykyk. I won't watch her death scene ever again. I can't.

It's funny because that was the first ever scene I decided to watch a few years ago. It was a clip recommended on youtube. I never watched clips of the anime when it on-going. I put off watching the anime until it was completed because I thought to myself "I can't possibly suffer the waiting period in between seasons if the show was good". I don't know why I decided to break my rule just for this one clip. And looking back, I don't think I even understood why it was called her death scene because she looked so peaceful (note: it was out of context for me and I didn't know Erwin was dead). And it's funny because the me from the past didn't know it would affect me in a big way today.

-----

I never spoiled myself of plot points. I didn't know the ending but was very hopeful that it would be a happy one. Every character death left me thinking "it's okay, the ending's gonna be happy". Like a mantra to keep me optimistic. I read somewhere that Eren could travel back in time (but I didn't read further on how he could) so I was hoping that during the last few episodes, any time now, Eren will find the "happy ending" and go back in time to prevent the war. I much preferred he had altered the timeline where most of his friends never met if it meant that all of them led happy lives because I know Armin and Mikasa would still be with him. If not him, I was also hoping Ymir would instead. Changing her fate by letting the King die and maybe, the outcome would be happier (we'll never know).

But the thing is Eren did find the happy ending...for everyone else that is. I just wanted one where he got it too. Not an ending where Mikasa has 10 years of emotional baggage. God damn it.

A lot of comments/critiques say Eren's choices were done with free will but I'm left thinking that it doesn't seem that way. He chained himself to the only outcome where everyone is free from the titan curse. Feels like he was forced down this path...I guess because he wasn't selfish.

Arghh it would've been easier for me to process if his reason was simply "I want to do this for everyone's sake". At first, I thought his reason was because "protect Eldia, massacre everyone else" then it was "the outside world isn't filled with only flowers so I'll till the land myself and make it so". I think I'll revisit the ending in the future and maybe I'll finally come to my own conclusion.

-----

I binged the show on Netflix and I later found out that they altered the ending. For one, they played Call of Silence during the scene where Mikasa sat beside Eren's grave. After that it cuts to The End card. This ending felt a lot more sentimental both to the character and to the fans. However there was a post credits scene Netflix didn't include (in my region's version as far as I know) where the ending was...a lot more hopeless. Depicting a future where the cycle of war in Eldia never ends and Eren's efforts may not have changed anything. Because his grave is the next mysterious tree that may be holding the parasite that gives the Power of the Titans.

Anyway, I'm wondering if Mikasa married years down the line. The man she was with looks like Jean to me because it can't be Armin. Personally I hope she stayed single because she defied Eren's words asking her to move on just like how she never discarded the red scarf. It's still possible she married though because I caught a glimpse of a ring on her hand in-between the flowers. But married or not, both paths are bittersweet because she clearly never got over Eren and was even buried(?) on the same tree.

-----

Arghhh what a rollercoaster. I'm going to let these feelings simmer for awhile and won't be watching another anime for the next 7 days at least. I find myself watching analysis videos of the ending and random clips. Probably might read some fanfics too because I really want some ErenxMikasa romance, lord knows we only got crumbs in canon.

The show finished airing in November 2023 but it felt like it had been 2 years. I wonder what Isayama is going to do next.

I started watching the series on a whim and ended with eMOtional damage.

[cinnamonest]

Eventually I'll make another full hybrid post for multiple boys, but right now I specifically want to focus on the (actually kinda wholesome) idea I had for Tighnari... I rewatched one of the videos I watched for the profile and seeing them run around chasing each other is so adorable and I realized Tighnari deserves his soulmate Fennec Foxgirl

-----------------

It feels... perhaps ironic isn't the best word, he thinks. Surreal? No, that's too strong of a term. Likewise, 'humorous' is too weak to the describe the bizarre emotion this interaction brings him.

 Just... Odd. A weird, uncanny feeling.

 He stoops down further, crouching on his feet, tilting his head to get a better look at you. This is not what he expected to find when he set a cage trap. He would have figured it was just a normal animal eating his research plants and the communal trash away, but here you are. You're crouched in the back of the metallic crate, stiff and snarling. It feels so strange to look at you.

 You are, all in all, the same creature. You just so happened to be a lineage that went down the path of separation from humanity and chose to be feral instead, it seems.

 ...is this what he would have been like, if his lineage had done the same? He can't help but wonder. You growl and snarl and snap your jaws at his fingers when he reaches out to try and pet you through the bars. So lowly and animalistic, lacking in human intellect. You feel worlds apart to him, as if there's no way you are the same, and yet he knows you are. Is it really possible that mere upbringing is truly the only thing that separates you from him? Could he just as easily have turned out to be this creature, naked and unspeaking, rummaging about through trash and gardens like a common pest?

 Your ears, although a sandy golden color, mimic his own, comically large and twitching atop your head. Your tail swishes behind you. You snarl and show your pointed teeth. You really do share all the same traits.

 ...But you look so afraid. He now sees how badly you tremble, despite putting on a ferocious act to try and scare him away. After a moment, you seem to drop the facade of toughness as you start to curl in on yourself, eyes watering, whimpering and quivering.

 Not only are you sickly-looking, you're far from home, too. You should be in the desert, but you ended up here... you must have gotten lost and ended up in an unfamiliar place, how unfortunate. And it seems you can't hunt anything here either, hence the need to steal food (primarily garbage from the bins, and from his own property mostly medicinal herbs at that, you wouldn't eat that unless you were really desperate). 

Either way, he can't just release you into the forest, you'd most likely die out there, even if you didn't come back to disturb the research. Sigh... no choice but to take you in, at least until someone makes a trip to the deserts and can take you along then. Of course, it does strike him that this also makes an interesting source of observation, and he is admittedly curious to know more about you. But primarily, he can't just let you die.

 It poses issues, though. First there's the matter of getting you to calm down and not attack. Once he first lets you out of the cage, you try to run away, and you have the audacity to bite him when he tries to grab you by the arm and hold you still. He still has a scar to this day where your teeth nicked his shoulder.

Eventually, the only way he could get you to calm yourself was throwing you back in the cage and forcing you to inhale some sedatives, keep you limp and loopy for a couple of days while feeding you and petting you to get you used to his presence. By the time you can be brought off of it, you're grumpy about the matter, but it seems that giving you food is a very quick fix to any bad moods you may have. More importantly, you don't try to bite him anymore, or even flinch at his touch. In fact, he learns you seem to appreciate some head pats, as well as ear rubs (of course, he knows how to give the best ear rubs and scratches, seeing as his are just like your own).

 You're fairly compliant now, too, which is nice, it's not some huge struggle to tame you. You have now registered him in your mind as "the guy who feeds me and makes my wounds feel better," which means that you are very receptive to his touch and presence, and as soon as he goes back to his daily routine, you follow him around without him even needing to drag you along. You're always right there by his side... especially as you're still a bit afraid of others. Each day you follow him from place to place, entertaining yourself with... whatever it is you do, usually napping at his feet or chasing bugs around on the ground... well, you occupy yourself with that while he has important conversations and does his work.

Unfortunately, though, he can't risk taking you with him for patrols, even though he feels bad about leaving you there. He spends less and less time doing so, and tries to come back sooner, assigns other people to his usual roles unless it’s a genuine danger that needs to be dealt with. People are a bit surprised he would transfer that job to others, but it’s not as if he’s lazy, he just has something else to take care of... besides, they’re very grateful for it, because whenever he leaves he has to lock you in your crate, and you (how on earth it doesn’t bother your own ears, no one knows) decide to express your discomfort by screaming out that little high-pitched cry of yours over and over until he returns (to complaints of headaches, irritated glares, and being begged to never ever leave them alone with you again). He tries to make it better for you by making the crate softer, more padding, leaves in those dog toys he got someone to purchase from the city that you seem to like, but you have no interest in them when he’s gone, so the only way to pacify you is to be there.

Speaking of the cage, the first night after letting you out of it, he tried to put you back in so you could sleep... but you fought tooth and nail, yowling and whimpering and biting again dammit -- anyway, eventually he let you follow him to his own lodging, pulled out a cot for you to sleep on, lifted you up and sat you down on it. You spent about ten minutes there before he's pulled out of half-sleep by the sound of your feet on the floor as you shuffle your way over and promptly wriggle your way under his blankets and curl up beside of him. Of course, he stiffens at first, shifts backwards and stammers to say something, but... the way you open your eyes and look at him all hurt, let out a whimper, confused why he's trying to move away...

 Well... he can't just hurt your feelings like that... so, although his face feels hot and he's fidgeting awkwardly, he still moves back towards you. Fine... just this one night. You'll be comfortable with sleeping on your own soon enough, and no one will have to know about this.

 Much like him, you sort of pull your knees up, wrap your tail around yourself as is instinctive... your bodies sort of fit together, like how puzzle pieces align perfectly. Your tails overlap, your legs intertwine, your head presses against his chest. He just has to deal with the occasional ear twitching in his face.

 One night turns into the next... and the next... on the third night, he tries to set you down on the cot again, but as soon as he sets you down, you swing your legs over the side, stand up, and sure enough, make your way over to what you seem to now consider your shared bed. He can't communicate to you to try and get you to understand, but... well, that's fine... it's not a big deal, he tells himself.

 What's more important is that you aren't well-adjusted to human living, of course. For starters, getting you to wear clothing was a battle in and of itself, you hated it at first, tore the first shirt he gave you to shreds while trying to pull it off. He ended up having to go the route of conditioning -- giving you small morsels of treats for not tearing clothes off, and denying them when you did, until you got the message and now can consistently wear a single layer of oversized shirt that comes down to your knees. Anything more than that, though, and you start fighting it again. Additionally, you're okay with him and his presence, but you have to be slowly acclimated to other people, seeing as you growl at them... he had to grab you to stop you from biting yet another person several times. What is it with you and wanting to bite? Sigh...

 Those ears end up presenting a challenge too. Over the years, he's reached a point where he's learned to handle it well and even knows how to mentally tune out some noises, just try to ignore it, but you're not used to the usual level of noise in the area at all, and even more sensitive than he is. Early on, whenever there's a lot of activity going on in the village, you start to whimper and whine and grab at your ears, pulling them down to block the sounds. At least he learns to tell when you're uncomfortable, and takes you over to a quiet room whenever you're distressed and waits it out with you.

 Other people take notice of your interactions too, of course. They snicker and make offhanded comments about how funny it is to watch the two of you go around everywhere together, how you look alike in some ways but are so different in others. They tease him about how he takes you with him everywhere, make him all flustered and red in the face when they comment about how sweet it is for him to care for you, and how attached you are to him. He just says it’s his responsibility.

 But internally, he wonders if you, too, realize the similarity between you two. Do you understand that he's different from the other humans? What about yourself? And more importantly, do you understand that you two are the same? Do you see yourself as different from both him and the others and merely associate him as the same as the other humans, or do you recognize that the two of you are different from everyone else in the same way? He has no way of asking you, so he has to gauge by your actions.

 You do seem to take notice of his features, even if he doesn't know if you've realized they're the same features as yours. Once, as you sit next to him while he works, you tilt your head in curiosity, eyes widening when your attention is captivating by his twitching ears. You reach a hand up to paw and swat at them. And on multiple occasions, you've tried to pounce on and wrangle his tail. Much to his irritation, that is. He's still embarrassed about how the first time you did so, he was mid-conversation with someone else, and yelped rather loudly at the sudden surprise, turning in circles in an attempt to grab you and detach your grip while the onlookers tried to hold back laughter.

 So you do seem to recognize specific features, but do you possess the cognitive capacity to realize you're the same sort of creature? That is the question... but there's no way to know for sure.

 He finally seems to get somewhat of an answer on one day like any other, just the normal routine of walking from one small building to the next, carrying out some daily tasks. And all of a sudden, for no discernable reason, you bolt. You turn on your heel and take off in the opposite direction, feet pattering the ground as you go.

 At first, it sparks immediate concern as he goes running after you, calling out for you to stop, even though he knows you don't understand the words themselves. But you keep running. Every few seconds you dart in a different direction, drawing him out and away from the cluster of dwellings among the trees and out into the wilderness itself, the otherwise quiet and empty forest. After a few more minutes, you disappear behind a tree. He stops, panting, goes to walk up to you, but you then take off and get behind another. It repeats again and again.

 He's starting to feel frustrated, but he sees you poke your head out from behind the tree... and can now see that you're smiling at him. Your eyes are wide and you're breathing heavily with excitement. He turns towards you, but you take off again, and he chases you from tree to tree until you slip behind the cover of one of the larger ones again, poking your head out to look at him again, tail visibly swishing in delight behind you. You make a high-pitched little sound, like a squeal. He starts to feel warm.

 ...Oh.

 You're trying to... initiate...

It's an... appreciated gesture, but he can't allow himself to engage in such behavior. He would never do something so undignified as to indulge in animal desires, run all around in the woods and chase after you. What if someone sees? No, he can't.

 No, no. He corrects himself in his head. It's not about the chasing part, not about appearing undignified, it's about what comes after that... it would be wrong to... do that, wouldn't it? You're not at the same coginitive level. You're just following your instincts, but he can't take advantage of that. It's his responsibility to abstain and control himself. Right?

 Even if it sounds really really really nice. Even if he feels his heart start to beat faster.

 But as you take off again, his resistance snaps. It becomes too tempting to resist.

 He trails right behind you, matching your pace, frustration gone, replaced with an unmistakable excitement. There's no one out here. No one will see. So that makes it okay, the first part at least. No harm being done by playing like this. It feels exciting in a primal, innate sort of way, like his body moves on its own. Letting go of all inhibition.

 When he finally catches up to you, leaping on you and tackling you to the ground, you make that same squealing sound. It makes a shudder run down his spine, but after a moment he shoves himself up off the ground and takes off as well, listening to you squeal and run after him as well. After a few minutes, you leap and land on his back, just enough to topple him over too, falling into the grass, wrestling around and rolling over a few times until you're looking down at him, propped up on your hands. You whine as you lay yourself down and nuzzle your head against his neck.

 It's so warm. It's overwhelming. It's too much. You really smell nice. It's as if it intoxicates his brain to inhale. He finds himself laying staring up at the sky, heaving heavy breaths, every nerve in his body tingling, heart pumping hard and fast. You have his thigh locked between your legs, you whimper as you grind against it and he feels like his soul might leave his body just hearing and seeing you do it.

 Is this really okay? It feels wrong, somehow. The last little bit of reason and sense prods the back of his mind. No, this has to be wrong. You can't realistically consent to it, can you?

 And with the way your brains work, then if you do, then... for the rest of your lives... forever...?

 But... But you're the same sort of thing, so it's okay, right? It's nature. You need one of your own kind. You're supposed to couple together like this. You're supposed to be together for your entire lives and never want anything else. Besides, isn't that better? After all, you're simply compatible. If it were a human, they might be bothered by him and his habits and nature, they might even leave him one day, and that would destroy him psychologically in a way humans could never understand.

This way he can have someone who will be okay with the things that would bother a person -- you'll want to stay inside all throughout mating season, you'll be just as needy as him, your body will be compatible for a knot and lots of kits, you both like the same quiet environments, he doesn't have to feel embarrassed about the ways of expressing affection that come naturally to him. You won't mind if he's overbearing, you'll want to be in his presence every waking moment just like he does yours. It would be perfect.

 And you -- he can protect you. His mind flashes back to how he first found you, how you were emaciated and injured and afraid. He can make sure you're always happy and safe and never get hurt or go hungry ever again. Isn't that what's best for you, then? Is it really taking advantage of you when you're whining and grinding like this, when you're so desperate?

 He says it to himself in his head, that if the others could see me right now, doing something so unseemly... well, he can't bring himself to care what they'd think for very long. His brain is too clouded.

 Thus, he ends up giving in.

 No one will see you two as he ruts into you, still laying sideways in the grass. He still has just enough awareness left to use his hand to cover your mouth, seeing as you have no concept of volume control and cry out so loudly they may just hear all the way on the other side of the forest. No one will know, at least not for now. Maybe they'll figure it out... but he can't bring himself to care in the moment. Even if they think badly of him, well, he can just deal with that when the time comes.

 And surprisingly, even when it's over, even as the knot swells down and he slips out of you, turns you around and holds you close, he doesn't find himself feeling any regret. Maybe a bit of worry about the future and concerns about how things will work now, and perhaps maybe a bit of guilt, but... you're so warm, you fall asleep pressed up against him like that. It makes it all feel worth it.

 A quick glance around confirms that, thankfully, there is no one around -- it briefly crossed his mind that he might look up and see someone standing there watching shocked and stunned, which would be horrific, but thankfully there isn't. He knows he needs to get you back home before people notice and come looking, though, seeing as this is an area not usually patrolled and he has no real reason to be here. It's better no one knows for now. Or so he decides as he sits straight up, shakes you awake and lets you sleepily crawl up onto his back, hooking your legs through and over his arms, wrapping your arms around his neck.

 Yes... better not tell anyone or anything... try and keep it a secret. He's still not sure what people will think of him for this. But right now, he's still riding the chemical high too much to be too concerned, he feels lightheaded and warm in the best possible way. Those concerns fade away as he makes his way back. All he can think of right now is how he can't wait for winter to come around.

[duckmumbo]

can we get wells AND hels? a 2-for-1??

Anon you are speaking my language right now

Wels

First impression - Wels is the only other hermit who's single-player series i watched before watching their hermitcraft videos, in fact I didn't even know hermitcraft existed when I was watching wels. His Nature's Beauty series is, no joke, the series that got me into modded minecraft in the first place and what really kickstarted me rediscovering how much I love and adore minecraft, so I really have a special place for his content in my heart khgdjfb. also fun fact he is the first streamer I ever watched on twitch, i watched one of his streams when he was working on his base path in s7 (i have just realized how long ago that was girl help im becoming nostalgic)

Impression now - insane. Ok listen I’ve had this in my drafts for a while and that was the only word under this category thing and honestly? Valid. He is a little insane you don’t come up with his s7 plot line if you’re not at least the tiniest bit insane. I want to study him under a microscope I want to put him in a closed ecosystem jar and see how he fares I want to shake him around and see if he’d make a wobble sound or a rattling sound. I think he’d be crunchy. You think he’s in hiding he’s just biding his time putting pen to paper coming up with rhymes we’re the star studded group got together just to crush you-

Favorite moment - when he went to Beef’s cloning machine and when it didn’t seem to work he’s like “aw that’s a bummer. Oh well!” like my dude. You just went in a cloning machine that got struck by lightning and your reaction is just “lol oh well” ???? Iconic

Idea for a story - ok listen. mdbb server gives me intense brainrot over anything and one of the things it gave me brainrot over is the entity being Patrick’s rock from Grian’s s6 starter base and wanting to follow him to s9 since it didn’t get enough screen time and it somehow became friends with Wels when he got left behind in s6. Idk how I’d write it, but I’m obsessed with this au

Random opinion - I wish he had been able to finish Welsmart. It was a great concept and I loved the building it looked amazing, I wish he had had time to actually open it and make diamonds.

Favorite relationship - him and jevin are just. So good

Favorite headcanon - I haven’t seen much of this but bird wels is just so good. I may be very biased though

Hels

First impression - what. why did the cloning machine make evil wels. why did he put wels in a hole. why are they rapping. what’s going on

Impression now - he’s my poor little meow meow but like. in the opposite direction from Evil Xisuma. I’m a helsknight apologist. I can’t believe he lost a rap battle where he said he was gonna kill everyone wels loved I’m never gonna let him live it down what an idiot (affectionate). He’s a force of chaos and he is unstoppable your puny words mean nothing for defeat is impossible

Favorite moment - I just went back and rewatched the episode where Helsknight first appeared and. He stopped in the middle of building the trap and just. Slept the night away. Sir you’re in the middle of leaving a trap for someone you want to kill what are you doing stop sleeping he’s coming back soon

Idea for a story - this literally just came to me but. Wels came back when hels just woke up and he’s like…. “what” and hels is like “GO AWAY IM BUILDING A TRAP FOR YOU” and wels is just like “…..ok I guess” and then they somehow speedrun an enemies to family arc I wanna write this now help

Random opinion - I want more helsknight. I just think he deserves to be utilized in fics just as much as Evil Xisuma. Give me helsknight redemption arcs give me helsknight tragic backstories give me more helsknight

Favorite relationship - does this man ever talk to anyone other than wels. He’s not even friends with wels. Anyways I like to think they end up being like brothers who rarely speak and when they do they usually end up bickering but the second someone insults the other they’re ready to throw hands

Favorite headcanon - ok I’m still watching the helsknight episode as I’m typing this up and why is helsknight just like standing there and occasionally bobbing his head or punching the air during his verse. Like he doesn’t move as much as wels does so headcanon this man has no sense of rhythm. Oh my god he dances like he’s in the Sims.

[leamy-world]

Some afterthoughts on The Devil Judge (spoilers for all the drama!)

Hello everyone! I hope you’re doing well!!

I wanted to write my thoughts after the finale aired because ep. 13-14 made me a mess and were too nerve-wracking! After these two episodes, i only wanted the week to go by fast to see how the finale unfolded (but at the same time, this drama entertained me sm i didn’t want it to end haha).

Watching this drama each week and reading your reactions and thoughts made me enjoy it even more, i’m glad i came back on tumblr! It was a really nice ride (more like an emotional rollercoaster haha)! It motivated me to write my thoughts and analyses on fictions i watched in the future, especially My Mister and Beyond Evil!! I forgot how much fun it was to do that and putting my thoughts into words gave me a little closure to my watch haha

These are just some afterthoughts & personal interpretations i had and were maybe probably already discussed, but i couldn’t get them out of my head haha

See you around and take care!!!

THE CAST. It left a strong impression on me and i can’t see other actors playing their respective roles!

—   Yohan portrayed by Ji Sung … i have no words, this devil judge left me speechless! His character, to his Devilish Smile (and hollow laugh in front of CKH and his son, or Gaon), his variating voice intonations (like damn, he’s a living ASMR like Lee Sung Kyung), his held back emotions and touch-starved and even desperate touches when it came to Elijah and Gaon, to his rage and unhinged moments! 

I winced seeing him contort in pain when Sunah revealed Elijah accidentally lit the church fire, and the two times he hugged Elijah totally destroyed me. His last scene with Gaon showed how gazes & micro-expressions alone could convey unspoken words as strongly. I’m weak for these kinds of scenes, My Mister for example did it and killed me haha

For this post, i rewatched some scenes and damn, Elijah and Yohan’s support of Gaon after Soohyun’s death was really emotional …

(They had no business in making Gaon have this kind of dream, those german scissors left a ... strong impression on him haha)

—   Kim Min Jung’s depiction of Sunah’s was hauntingly beautiful, a femme fatale who kept a broken child deep inside (and at the same time surfacing on her manners and personality) and a strong businesswoman. It’s a fascinating character i loved hating as a villain but still sympathized with. The scene where she murdered the former foundation’s president sent me chills down my spine (i still have her shot of her, sitting at his bureau and manipulating his speech video)! 

The melancholy slipping through her facade when she visited the mansion the first time in a while, as well as her devastation in front of the President’s scheme, by the young girl’s bed at the hospital were memorable. The tension between her and Yohan was incredible: they both managed to keep a very disturbing but enthralling aura, tangled with nostalgia at the same time each time they met.

(Looking at her reflection is a recurring pattern for Sunah’s character, i found this shot above interesting, divided in the two ends of the mirror, as if her self can’t be found on the other side anymore)  

—   This was the first time i saw a drama with Jin Young and i really loved his playing! Never thought I’d say one day i enjoyed someone’s tears and rage on screen, but his crying scenes stuck with me, especially in the prison yard and the last episode (he deserves therapy after all he went through, really) … And his letter to Elijah … (i’m glad nobody harshly revealed the truth to her, i’m really glad!)

I loved to see how his gaze evolved through this journey with Yohan. His endearment to Soohyun, Elijah and Yohan was very precious ;; Even though Yohan was the one who was first seen feeling lonely, Gaon’s loneliness since his parents’ death slipped through his seemingly fine world, i found that interesting! (And on a lighter note, i’ll always remember the truth behind Mrs. Ji’s cooking, Gaon’s epic reaction, and the pure comedy she gets to own a healthy food shop thanks to Yohan!!) 

I also enjoyed his supportive friendship with Jinjoo!!

—   Park Gyu Young’s acting was also on point! It’s really too bad she didn’t get more screen time because i wanted to know more about Soohyun!! I felt robbed haha, because when TDJ began airing, they introduced her as one of the ‘main’ characters of this story ;; The scene when she was on CKH’s suicide scene really left a mark on me + when she was confronting Yohan, especially after she took Elijah out!

—   Elijah. Just Elijah, our best girl!!! Apparently it’s one of Jeon Chae Eun’s first roles, she did so well!! Along with Ji Sung and Jin Young, she gave a whole new definition to the Domestic Scenes, i swear. These scenes will keep a special place in my heart for a long time! Her adorable smile and cheekiness were a refresher in this show!

(They could change TDJ’s concept in a second season and make us a domestic slice of life series, i wouldn’t mind AT ALL! Take my money!!)

Seeing her complicated relationship with her uncle unfold before us deeply moved me. The complete loneliness she silently depicted moving to her bed in the wheelchair, after Gaon left the mansion was heart-wrenching. And also the scenes after Soohyun’s death, hurting with Yohan seeing Gaon’s pain (the way she spoke her worry for the two of them, Yohan couldn’t let the words out properly to Gaon).

—   CKH’s character, played by Jang Young Nam, was amazing. Her acting already shattered me when i watched Nobody Knows! Her cold gaze, her harsh tone, she was badass i have to admit! 

The narcissistic rage was well depicted in her character, and even though i get where many’s opinions on her death come from (i share it too sometimes, but i feel it more for Sunah), i found this final decision fitting to the character, especially if you look how she treated her own son (each hold felt like a grip from rage eg. in ep. 3, as she maybe felt her son was the cause of her demise).

(HUGE SPOILERS FOR BEYOND EVIL BELOW!!!!) 

She reminded me of HKH’s ending: seeing his path to success was crushed with no way out of it except death on his own accord (in his eyes, because it was his absolute life aim, every single being, to his own wife and son, and means, even bending the justice independence, were his expendable ways to pave his path), HJW’s father was set on suicide before his son barged in. 

(Funnily enough, the filming spot for CKH’s house is the same for HKH’s house haha)

—   And also … Lawyer don’t-worry-i’ll-get-you-out-on-probation Ko deserves a round of applause for the best lawyer he is hahaha

THE STORY’S DEVELOPMENTS (AND SCRIPT). I feel like this story could very well have been developed on 20+ episodes! Even if i know some scenes in a script are sometimes (bound to be) cut in the drama, TDJ’s script leaks make me feel there was SO much more to be told, and so much more to explain some plot events in the airing drama!

Because the story was ambitious, both character and plot(twists which give you whiplash)-driven (and also the filming context with the pandemic), i feel like some choices were made.

The lines of thought about justice and the drama’s attempts at its ‘true’ definition are not lost on me. It was really interesting!

On a side note (there will be many, bear with me haha), the symbolic behind the app’s name, DIKE, which i’m pretty sure (correct me if i’m wrong, i only have some very rough basics in korean haha) is the korean romanization of Nikè, or in ancient greek Νίκη, the greek divinity of Victory ( ‘ㄴ’ in korean sounds like an ’n’ but its pronounciation is more abrupt/brisker, to the point of what could be sounding to ears like a ‘d’).

Nikè is most of the time represented as an attribute to other greek divinities who also embody the victory eg. Zeus or Athena, thus seen as a bestower of victory (in any domain, be it war, games = interestingly enough, the live court is set in a colosseum-like room, arts, …)  to the humanity on behalf of these gods (Nikè sometimes stands in her palm as an attribute of Athena, like the owl or the helmet). But sometimes Nikè was also revered an independent protective divinity.

Nikè is represented as a winged divinity in a long robe, flying above the victorious, assisting the humans in their works/challenges eg. handing them a laurel crown as a sign of victory, or a helmet, etc. Its mostly known representation is the Winged Victory of Samothrace (or The Nike of Samothrace) sculpture in the Louvre. The brand Nike also used it in its logo.

It calls back to Yohan’s line: « I make sure i win before the game starts », and in fact, since the beginning, unbeknownst to everybody witnessing the trials and participating to them, the app was his way to win. It foreshadows the ending of the story, Yohan finally taking down the foundation. It also adds to his god/devil image: he assumes the role of the intermediary/abyss of the « gods » (the Justice), taking in all the hubris of the society in order to bring the justice (well, guess we could say it put some hold to the cycle of the powerful culminating to chaos?) back, in some sort of catharsis through DIKE.

It might be a stretch, but Nikè’s winged representation could be found on Gaon’s tattoo (at first to me, it looked like a phoenix/winged angel, which symbolizes a ‘reincarnation’/new beginning for Yohan finding peace, a second chance to his past and Elijah thanks to Gaon & Gaon finding a new world even if his first crumbled ie. his parents and Soohyun’s death and professor Min’s betrayal).

(The whole virus plot by the end of the story made me feel a little uncomfortable given the actual context and the conspiracy theories that are spreading, but it wasn’t used carelessly and served the commentary of the powerful and how far they would go, i think? That said, a fiction, especially a dystopia like this, stays a fiction but when they used it, it gave me a forced laugh haha)

Now, if someone gets to translate some script bits, i’m really looking forward to:

K’s backstory!!!!!

Isaac and Yohan’s past!!!!

More about Elijah!!

Where’s the cat???

What was the script saying for Gaon and Yohan’s confrontation in ep. 12? When Yohan faced the window, waking up from a nightmare after Gaon left?

ABOUT SOOHYUN’S BACKSTORY. (Now, this will get long, i’m sorry but i needed to let my thoughts out haha) The drama introduced her as one of the four main characters with Gaon, Yohan and Sunah. I had so many expectations for her character! Especially from the three scenes we got of her:

➔ In the first episode, we see her save a young girl in the street from two men, looking up at the poster « A safe Korea will be realized from now on. »: it was a great introduction to the blatant lie of the ‘safe’ dystopian world that was being created in the story. It also showed how Soohyun felt in front of this insecure world. A side note, but seeing her hug the young girl like that reminded me the hugs she gave Gaon: she wanted to protect him from this unjust world with all her might (especially the scene in the restaurant where she hugs him). ➔ Her two confrontations with Juk Chang! ➔ Her dilemma and emotional turmoil when she erases Gaon’s presence in CKH’s office.

She was portrayed in the story as Gaon’s pillar since his parents’ tragic death and his moral compass. She’s the lawful citizen, despite feeling helpless to the world’s changes, who hopes it could be saved as long as the rule of law is preserved by everyone, and this begins by respecting it themselves. 

But she was not standing around and i kind of regret this was not shown more in the story: she kept doing her best in the « system », fighting from the inside the injustice hoping the little changes could make a difference someday. Because she couldn’t take Yohan’s path, in no way: the system/the law must be respected for it to be sustained. And i’m glad they addressed this point in the drama: Yohan chose to take on the role nobody wanted or even dared to assume, knowing fully well he became a criminal the second he began his plans (just as lawyer Ko said he was no longer a lawyer once he sided with him). 

This must not be glorified, nor vilified. As he said, it was a choice he decided to make. She mirrors his choices to some extent and i would have loved to see more of their interactions or her thoughts about that! And how she worked through the system to change things, her vision of the justice. They showed us the flashback of her career choice in high school, and it could have been interesting to learn more about her! 

A backstory about her saving the youth and meeting Sunah by accident would have been very interesting (given Sunah knew all about her since the beginning and ordered to kill her). Their meeting wouldn’t have foreshadowed Sunah’s plans, quite the opposite, and it would have given more ‘substance’ to her plans. We were robbed of this relationship haha! 

And of course, seeing her side with Yohan & Gaon for a short while (because seeing her team up with them all along the way could’ve been a little ooc) would have been dope. Her arresting Juk Chang while the two of them stop the gang was the closest thing we had to their teamwork ;;

Among the drama’s main focuses (the self-pity of the powerful and the never-ending cycle of their greed, the power displays it ensues which come in many forms in the system’s game), the conception of justice was developed all along the drama. It would have been really interesting to see whether Soohyun’s conception of justice could have changed in her own way!

And professor Min’s potential manipulation of Soohyun!!! Some scenes on their interactions could have been nice to see and explain why she focused solely on Yohan, the only side of the whole story she knew! Her reporting to the professor about her investigation (and him feeling she got too close to the truth) would have made sense because, as she saw Gaon growing apart from her as he was getting closer to the Kangs (especially since she saw him interact with Elijah when they invited her to the café, like Sunah saw how Gaon fit in their family at the dinner scene), she would’ve wanted to protect him without him knowing because she knew it’d have hurt him. It could have paralleled Gaon’s reports on Yohan to the professor at the beginning of the drama. And that could have explained (aside from the whole love triangle dynamics they had) her reluctance to tell Gaon Yohan was the one who told her his whereabouts when he was in danger in ep. 13 ; this scene also was one of the only moments addressing the lack of communication in their relationship. Seeing her feeling confused over Yohan could have been interesting!

(This also got me wondering whether in the script, Yohan’s injury was ever addressed.)

Also, i’m curious about her family, if the script mentions something about them: did they know Gaon?

About the loveline between Gaon and Soohyun: while the friendship could have stayed as is (it already felt pretty genuine in my opinion and strong friendships also deserve to be portrayed in stories), i’m convinced this drama wanted to set Gaon as the center of a subtext love & morality triangle between Soohyun and Yohan (and K and Sunah on Yohan’s part). I think i would’ve appreciated Gaon and Soohyun’s loveline so much more if they developed it more! And it had to develop in the very same episode she died: apart from the confession and kiss scene (i’m curious about the scene’s description in the script), the flashback of their moments, seen from Gaon’s pov, came just right in to ‘explain’ it! 

Of course it wasn’t the main focus of the story and there was already so much happening, but their new relationship development and her death almost had no impact on me even if it was set as a turning point for Gaon (and K for Yohan, as a cement to their respective decision to fight the system and how they would do it), and it made me really really sad! Of course it was a plot device (and i now wonder what would’ve happened if she or K wasn’t dead), but if it was bound to happen, the emotional impact was lessened!

Jinjoo’s character development and her relationship with Sunah happened really really fast, and i wonder how the script describes it!

Sunah’s involvement with the juvenile care center!!!  Her scene at the hospital left me really sad.

(Also, on the love plot, Gaon and Yohan jealousy bits weren’t used later as an expression of their envy towards the other’s status/life/etc. and were actually directed to people outside ie. Sunah/K/Soohyun in the plot, which makes me think they really wanted to set it as a love triangle!)

ABOUT SUNAH’S DEATH. I feel really really conflicted on this point. Her story was a parallel to CKH (and of course Yohan, i’ll talk about it below): two women — coming from totally opposite backgrounds — climbing their way up by their own means in this power circle. And despite all their accomplishments unnoticed (because they were the ones seeing through their plans while the others were mainly seen tearing each other into pieces), they could still be ruthlessly ejected from this world any day, part of it because they were belittled as women all the same, and chose to end her life on her own accord, still having agency over it. 

As someone else pointed it out, it also acts as a « poetic » retribution for her murder of Soohyun and K. BUT her exiting the scene in some other way staying alive could have contrasted with CKH’s suicide (especially since she overthrew the president who was the only one on her side getting in her way and even killed him in the end). Especially in a show that deals about how the justice can be carried out!

Of course, Yohan and Sunah were a foil to each other in their respective fights and traumatic past: the drama showed us how having someone to reach out to and protect (Elijah, Isaac and Gaon to Yohan ; Soohyun, Yohan and Elijah to Gaon) can become a driving force. Sunah, despite thinking this could be a weakness, also longed for companionship (from Yohan mainly, but also from Jaehee), and had no one to stop her crossing the line and preserve her from herself and the world. At least someone hearing her story, staying by her side and trying to understand her. 

Each time she said ‘can you be a little nicer to me?’ to Yohan made me feel for her (and also that one call with Jaehee), it was the only cries of loneliness she silently let out!

On a totally random note, i would have loved to see her interact more with Gaon (especially by the end of ep. 15, when Yohan was arrested)!

The story gladly didn’t end Yohan’s traumatic past and growth in death, but what about Sunah? In any case, Sunah was a really good and complex character, i enjoyed her character!

What about Jaehee? How did she react to Sunah’s death???

What about CKH’s family after her death???

I would have loved to hear more about Sunah’s plans as well! Scenes where she would play with Gaon for example (in Yohan’s presence or not, like at the photoshoot)! 

(This comment above foreshadowed, along with the dinner scene in ep. 11, she used him all along!)

Her involvement behind the scenes was only exposed in ep. 15 but i wanted to know more about her (motivations aside from her focus on Yohan, what did she plan to do before finding out a look-alike to Isaac, ...)! Given the elements in the plot, i get the idea she planned this whole business with the foundation first to reach the top and wanted to bring Yohan up with her (eg. leading the foundation or becoming the president) or down without her along the way, because she wanted his companionship. Maybe the script expands on it more? Did she really believe in the Dream Home project? Because as we saw her speech in the juvenile care center and her strong reaction to the youth being harmed in these schemes, i believe she kinda wanted to protect them as the best revenge on her past, because nobody could do it for her?  

THE ENDING SCENE. The ending was pretty good and didn’t give us an all-out tragedy, so i’m really glad! I still can’t believe Gaon was ready to blow his life away once he learnt Yohan’s death AND wanted to die with him (falsely) realizing Yohan wouldn’t change his mind, dead set on his decision (no pun intended!). And Yohan’s reaction to this ............... Now, their last scene is left to the viewers’ interpretation, but it felt to me like a new beginning to Yohan and Gaon’s relationship! As it was already said by many people on tumblr, Yohan wasn’t sure if Gaon would still be by his side despite it all, and he didn’t expect Gaon to feel this way. They’ll definitely meet again, it’s a promise of more in the future (especially Yohan’s nod, on the verge of tears and Gaon’s two relieved/endeared smiles, full of forgiveness). Gaon will join his new world once he’s done or they’ll come back to him once Elijah’s recovered.

And this game of hide and seek/hunt reflected their relationship development: Yohan felt unattainable at first, but he chased after him in the maze that was his devilish game, symbolized by the crowd, chasing him motivated by his suspicion, curiosity, anger and hate, disbelief and disappointment, empathy, worry, affection, desperation and love, until he finally reached him and they understood each other among all the crowd, living metaphorically in the same time, facing each other on the same (ground) level.

(A scene in the first episode, Gaon seeing a maze of Yohan’s reflections, maybe symbolizing he could not see through his facade in the beginning, being an enigma to him at first sight ; the choice of the reflections in the mirrors through the drama is interesting and reflects the story: depending on the angles, a story can hold as many meanings as there are points of view, the complete image surfacing once everybody’s story is told)

(Just like how, in ep. 4, Yohan shows Gaon the wicked system right under their noses, Gaon’s enraged and confused gaze directed right at Yohan after they all block his view by clinking glasses ; Yohan hoped he would understand what lies beneath but Gaon understands it fully through his own past in ep. 7-8)

(The crowd is cleared from their/our view in the final scene, leaving the two of them facing each other without any obstacle/reflection on their path)

Gaon kept Yohan’s watch all the time even in moments of doubt, sorrow and rage (the best PPL in drama history so far haha), Yohan finally got to Gaon and entered his world as Soohyun did, reaching out when he needed it the most, to stop him doing something he would regret deeply. It was symbolized by the scar he got on his left hand from preventing Gaon from stabbing him (that’s also why he caresses his scar in a bittersweet way, lost in thoughts, reminding him of their last meeting).

As @i-guess-it-rains said + according to the BTS’ editing (it passed off as a joke but i can’t erase it from my brain now haha),  the way the scene where Yohan defused Gaon’s bomb was framed looked at the same time like Yohan was also carefully handling Gaon’s heart (the bomb countdown clock radiating a red glow on his chest), on the verge of exploding. Now i have The Nights lyrics in my head haha (« My heart is going back to you, i just don’t know »)

On another note, i realized that in ep. 12, after Gaon left, he’s seen trying to call Soohyun in order to reach for her since their last confrontation, but right before, his finger glides over his contact, hesitating on Yohan’s contact before choosing to call Soohyun.

While in ep. 8, he only reaches out to Soohyun after his breakdown in the prison yard (without thinking to call Yohan because he was in the core of his doubts and pain at that time and needed space to reflect on all the events):

And it parallels to Sunah attempting to reach out to Jaehee in her loneliness at the top, hesitating before deciding to call her.

Now i hope TDJ will be on Netflix! It’d be very nice to get to watch the drama in high quality and have more people to see it!

I heard it got a webtoon adaptation so i also look forward to it once it will be translated!

A SECOND SEASON? When i first saw the ending, i thought it got wrapped up nicely and didn’t « need » another season, but it also left some parts open and laid out a new background for further developments (the system repeats itself but in another form, Yohan leaves the scene with his signature smile, maybe up to something else again, saying metaphorically or irl to Gaon he’ll come back if he doesn’t do well), kinda like Stranger/Forest of Secrets s1 or The Guest ending (the corruption doesn’t end there). I also heard it got high viewing rates in SK, so maybe it will be taken into account? And well, i’ll miss the cast so i would welcome the idea haha

THE SOUNDTRACK. The whole OST was stellar (and their titles are on point really!)! Getting to hear it without voices or noise over and with my headphones on made me realize it was even more beautiful! Because I Have You, Warmth That Melts Loneliness and If Only… are the end of me (especially If Only aaaaaaa)! Don’t get me started on Enemy of Truth’s title to the OST playing for the church fire because it’s devastating ;;;

If Only’s title … It leaves us filling in the blank space, the dots to Gaon’s thoughts when he learns about Yohan’s past and how it impacts him to this day.

The 4 songs were amazing (there’s also Different from the Outside but i still didn’t get its lyrics). Tempest was definitely etched in my mind as TDJ’s main theme haha And The Nights was my favorite!  

➔ Tempest was Yohan’s iconic theme and depicted his lonely path to revenge after the tragic events in his life, and his (fated) encounter with Gaon, how deeply it will change him in this journey in ways he didn’t expect. It perfectly introduces (with Chet Faker and Flume’s Drop the game) and concludes the drama!

➔ What you gonna do was THE revenge epic song making everyone revel in the ‘bad guys’ despair and Yohan’s badass moves! 

➔ The Nights felt like it was both Yohan and Gaon’s theme and Gaon’s sorrow after Soohyun’s death: at first i thought it was only Yohan’s, but his revenge and the last episodes proved me wrong! The song’s lyrics mirrored themselves (‘my/your night shines on you/me’), as if a complete understanding between Yohan and Gaon was found on their dark road. Yohan’s night shines on Gaon: Yohan’s broken past and all his misunderstood or hidden sides, his dedication to Elijah. Yohan’s rage (almost wrath since the biblical and god symbolism are there haha) and desire to take the inique system down waked Gaon’s own rage, buried deep inside, and made him move forward too. Gaon’s night shines on Yohan: all the time he spent with the Kangs, Gaon’s deep empathy and understanding, helping him reconnect with his niece, their dinners at night, his rage exploding when the truth about his parents was revealed, his desperation on the last two episodes (in ep. 15, seeing Gaon’s realization everything was a lie and Yohan was innocent, and in ep. 16, Gaon wanting to die by his side). Gaon’s night also shined on Soohyun, who wanted to protect him with all she got each time she saw him crumbling down.

There was still light on their dark road (which looks like a callback to Nightmare’s lyrics, « Save me from myself / Save me from this darkness that has lost its light »).

➔ Nightmare felt like it was Yohan and Sunah’s theme. When it last played when Sunah’s death happened on screen, it left me speechless (and if i remember correctly, the ‘save me from myself’ bit was played right when she shot herself … o u c h)!

[nbrook29]

99 🖤🖤

Hello there! You’re officially my last dialogue prompt 🤩 I’m sorry this took so long, anon, I hope you’re gonna like it at least a little 🤓

I don’t take prompts for this challenge anymore. Just wanted to put that out there 😇 There are so many amazing ones on that list, but as of now I have 3 WIPs and one additional one in the works and I’d like to finish them before wtfock ends 😅

Anywho, here you go!

99. “I don’t think I’ve ever played spin the bottle.”

* * *

Robbe is going to kill Moyo. 

In fact, he's going to kill all three of his so-called friends because none of them protested when Moyo, tipsy and on his way to drunk, announced that this party sucked and was in dire need of some spice. 

He wishes he had listened to his past self and stayed home just like he had originally planned. It was supposed to be a quiet night in, editing videos or maybe spent in bed rewatching Romeo and Juliet in peace with no broers around to mock his movie choice while stuffing his face with onion chips and pretending the movie does not make him emotional, no sir. The wetness in his eyes must be sweat, not tears.

Then, after the movie would have ended, his sulking levels high, it would be time for his favorite activity of recent - daydreaming about reality in which he actually had the fucking guts to make a proper move instead of turning red everytime a certain someone was in his close proximity; smiling at him with that perfect sweet lovely smile that turned his already gorgeous features so much more beautiful that Robbe could weep.

And doesn’t that sound like a magnificent evening?

It may sound kinda lame, Robbe is a man enough to admit that, but the prospect of spending the night watching his friends salivating over girls they can’t get being the alternative wouldn't be particularly alluring to anyone, he guesses. Especially since he never partakes in that salivating part himself, instead chugging one beer after another and playing his designated role of a wallflower. 

Story of his life.

The whole thing just plain sucks, because it’s not like his friends aren’t well aware of the fact that Robbe’s interests lie elsewhere and that he’s usually bored out of his mind at those parties. But when there’s at least a semi-attractive girl around them they don’t care about anything else but getting her number and Robbe’s not exactly their priority then. In fact, he could well enough not be there at all and it wouldn’t make much difference. It happens every time they drag him along to those parties and every time he just stands there, rolling his eyes on their embarrassing attempts of flirting. 

Not like he’s the master of flirting himself, but even he’s not capable of stooping as low as they usually do.

This time, he reluctantly agreed to come to this one, against his better judgement, after Jens bugged him about it for their entire biology class, trying to convince him it was going to be more of a small gathering rather than a party. And frankly speaking, he did that just to make him shut up so mrs Jansen stopped glaring at him. Like he was the one running his mouth.

Once Robbe said the magic words “I’ll be there” there was no way of getting out of it. Still, his plan was to come by for an hour or two to get the broers of his back, drink a few beers, talk to Jana maybe, and then quietly leave when everyone would be too drunk and too busy tonguing at each other's tonsils to notice he's gone. 

But to his surprise, the party turned out not to be the typical banger they usually attended. It wasn’t even that bad and he was kinda having fun since he wasn't forced to play the guys' sidekick-gay-friend this time around and instead was dragged by Zoe to the kitchen to drink shots with her, Jana and Luca right after he arrived.

However, parties are not really his scene in general so when it started getting really late he finished his last Buttery Nipple shot composed by Luca (don’t ask) and was just about to make an apologetic face at the girls and say his goodbyes. 

But then Noor and Brit arrived. 

With him.

And Robbe almost swallowed his tongue.

Nobody should have the right to look this good but there he was, laughing with Milan in the hall while taking his signature leather jacket off, running a hand through his smooth like silk hair (Robbe's convinced it's indeed very silky) to ruffle it a little like it ever needed any styling, and in general looking like he had just walked out of Robbe's dream straight into Milan's apartment. 

Sander Driesen.

The reason for Robbe’s cheeks being permanently stained pink as of late.

They met at one of those after school clubs led by Amber several weeks ago that Robbe came to only because he agreed (after pretty much being blackmailed into it) to play Aaron’s wingman in winning Amber’s heart. 

He was gone as soon as those green eyes met his and the boy in front of him, wearing a black Bowie t-shirt and a leather jacket, shook his hand while smiling a little unsurely but still friendly, never breaking their eye contact as he introduced himself in a honey-like voice that penetrated every cell of his body, knees buckling a little, heart stuttering, the whole shebang.

He’s still thanking god he managed to hold back the whimper that was about to get out when he was saying his own name back.

Needless to say, the meeting became much more bearable after that.

Even having to witness Aaron’s cringeworthy attempts of gaining Amber’s attention weren’t that bad anymore. Not when they made Sander chuckle under his breath and catch his eye over Amber’s shoulder, winking at Robbe with a mischief dancing in his eyes as he bit his lip to keep his own laugh at bay. 

And then, Amber came up with some stupid “love excercise” or whatever the fuck she called it and made them all hold hands in a circle. She claimed it released stress and spread positivity or some other bullshit, but Robbe was convinced it was just a ploy she came up with to hold the school’s number one fuckboy Senne’s hand (who, if Robbe had to guess, also wasn’t there out of his own free will). 

Robbe wasn’t a very touchy-feely person, especially with people he had no business of touching in the first place so the whole thing was beyond painful. Thankfully, Jana came to his rescue, snatching his right hand as they exchanged smirks over Amber’s lofty speech about positive energy filling their bodies.

But then someone else gently took his other hand and when he went to inspect who it was, annoyance already starting to creep in, his mouth went dry, eyes going up, up, up the person’s leather-clad arm before stopping on Sander’s face, looking far too entertained.

The boy took an overly deep breath, eyes closed and face feigning seriousness, breathing out loudly.

“Ahh, I can already feel that rush of energy,” Sander leaned in to whisper to him, a teasing tilt to his voice making Robbe giggled at his antics. 

“I guess Amber was right then.”

“No no, I don’t think it’s Amber’s techniques, I just think it’s because of you.”

Robbe just gaped at this shameless flirting, receiving another wink when caught blushing deep pink. Sander seemed unfazed though, totally chill, like saying lame lines and winking at boys was in his everyday repertoire. It definitely wasn’t like that for Robbe, and definitely not from boys as cute as Sander.

He should have probably rolled his eyes at him, called him cocky and full of himself. And yet.

There was something about Sander’s demeanor that screamed it was all a facade, and that underneath there was a huge dork that came out right after that guard was let down. Robbe couldn’t even be annoyed with the smug winking because it was adorned with such a cute smile that it called for a fond eye roll rather than scoffing.

Before he could form at least a half cool response, Amber started shushing all of them with a bossy face, glaring at every person that dared to make a sound. So with a rush of sudden boldness, Robbe just squeezed Sander’s hand and looked at him from under his lashes, biting his lip in an attempt at being coy (and cringing at himself internally) despite his body thrumming with nerves standing this close to Sander, and for some unknown reason it brought the desired effect. 

Sander kept smiling at him surreptitiously throughout the entire meeting, making him laugh with his playful faces at some of Amber’s more ridiculous statements, and it felt like they had an entire conversation even though they didn’t exchange one word during that half an hour.

When they were finally free to go home it was after 21, Robbe realized with a whine. After they all collected their things and were ready to leave, Sander turned around in the doorway, searching for Robbe’s eyes while ignoring the rest of their friends crowding against the door, and when Robbe glanced furtively into his direction his expression turned almost bashful as he said bye, Robin.

And then again with the winking.

Good god this boy.

And how cute it was he couldn’t actually wink? It looked more like a reinforced blinking, but he still looked cute doing it.

Once Robbe came back home that evening, thoughts occupied with bleached hair and the smell of leather jacket, he couldn’t stop himself from searching for Sander’s social media. In just one sitting he gathered a handful of information, finding out Sander was a year older and recently transferred to his school (which would explain how he had missed him in the corridors). He also had a photo with Amber down at the bottom of his profile and from the caption it seemed like they were cousins. 

Robbe’s fingers hovered over the ‘follow’ button, but he didn’t want to seem like a stalker so he just closed the app, throwing his phone on his bed in exasperation feeling sorry for himself and his inexperience in talking to boys.

The universe decided to be graceful for him for once in his life though and put Sander on his path again only 3 days later.

Like every Saturday afternoon Robbe was in the skate park with the broers, taking piss of one another’s skills and trying out new tricks while basking in the October sun that felt more like it was full on spring rather than the beginning of fall. He was in the middle of showing off some of his best tricks to the sounds of his friends hollering when he caught sight of bleached hair in his peripheral, almost falling straight on his ass. But luck was on his side and he avoided making a spectacle out of himself. 

Once he was safely on the ground, skateboard under his foot, he glanced in the direction of white hair one more time to see Sander lowering his vintage camera and whistling, making an impressed face and promptly causing Robbe to downcast his eyes bashfully.

“Hey.”

“Hey, Robin.” 

Robbe sighed. “It’s Robbe.”

“I know, but isn’t that a cute nickname?”

Robbe ducked his head, smiling a little to himself, cursing the heat rising in his cheeks. “Are you always this annoying?”

For a moment, Sander seemed to be taken aback, but then he must have noticed the teasing glint in Robbe’s eyes because he relaxed visibly, confidence back on his face.

Then, easily and offhandedly, he said, “No, just with very certain people.”

If Robbe had any doubts before about Sander taking immense pleasure out of teasing him, he didn’t anymore. He was flashed with another mischievous smile and then Sander nodded at the bowl.

“That was pretty awesome.”

“Thanks.” Robbe scratched at the back of his neck self-conciously, ignoring his friends’ intrigued faces and praying they didn’t say anything stupid. “To be honest, these aren’t even that difficult, anybody could do them...”

“Pff, I tried this skateboarding thing once and let me tell you, I was an absolute disaster so don’t sell yourself short.” Sander nudged at his shoulder with a knowing look, the contact sending a shiver through Robbe’s entire body. 

“So what are you doing here if you suck at it?” He sent him a toothy grin when Sander gaped at his brazen words, faux-scandalized. 

He then lifted his camera swiftly and took a photo of Robbe’s dumbfounded face.

“I’m only around this deadly thing to take artsy pictures of cute boys.”

Looking very proud of himself, Sander laughed at his indignant spluttering, refusing to show Robbe the photo at first, giving in a few seconds later under his killer pout (Sander’s words). 

“So, is this where you spend your afternoons?” he asked casually once they sat down at a nearby bench, Sander scrolling through his camera roll and showing him the photos.

Robbe nodded, watching Aaron from afar attempting the backside ollie and failing miserably. It pulled out a snort from Sander.

“Well, you’re definitely better at it than your friends.”

Elbowing him in the side as a sign of loyalty to his friends, he replied. “Jens is actually better than me.”

Sander sent him a curious look. “Is he your boyfriend?”

“What?! Eww, no! I have way better taste than that.” It’s not like he’d admit he had crushed on his best friend a year ago. So, hopefully, he sounded convincing.

Sander lifted his hands in surrender, laughing at his outburst. “Okay, okay, message received, only the cutest boys for you,” he paused, biting at his lip to hold his smirk. “Makes sense,” he muttered under his breath, but Robbe heard him anyway.

Later that day, he got a instagram notification that informed him that earthlingoddity was following him as of now and damn if that didn’t make Robbe’s heart beat faster.

earthlingoddity sent you a link

S: Considering today’s unfortunate incident, I made you a bowie playlist, need to teach the youngsters like you the real music 😎😏

The first message from Sander made him scoff, but he rolled his eyes at himself anyway when he remembered his conversation with him at the skatepark, asking about the shirt and prompting Sander to quiz him about David Bowie’s songs.

Robbe hid his face in his hands at the mere memory.

Space Cowboy.

How embarrassing. 

Sander tried so hard not to burst out laughing at Robbe’s confusion when his answer was met with a blank stare, bless him.

R: So you're one of those people?

S: What people?

R: Self-righteous hipsters 😜

S: Now now Robin

No need for names 😩

R: It's Robbe

R o b b e

S: Okay Robin ;)

R: 🙄

Unbelievable

S: So 

What's up? 🙃

They kept up at this casual texting for 2 recent weeks, getting to know each other, and Sander confirming that he does, in fact, have a soft side. Robbe also realized he was a much bolder person when no face to face interaction was required when he had more time before responding to Sander. Then there were the occasional “hellos” at school when they crossed paths in the halls, but so far their friendship, if he could even call it that, hadn’t evolved further.

In fact, this party was the first time Robbe had seen him in a week.

Their eyes met for a few short seconds and Robbe waved at him, immediately after wanting to bang his head at the table because who the fuck waves these days? 

Sander didn’t seem to mind this dorky display at all, beaming at him from across the hallway and not paying much attention to Milan who was talking his ear off. A second later, he was out of Robbe’s sight, dragged by Milan and the girls to the living room, leaving him staring longingly after him. 

Before Robbe got his shit together and on shaky legs went there to maybe squeeze out a few words to him, Moyo was already on his way of arranging people into a circle and producing a bottle to spin. 

What a bad fucking timing.

This was so not Robbe’s idea of fun so he started to surreptitiously backing off to the hall to slide out the door but Jana, the traitor, grabbed his arm and sat him next to her, seeming very excited about the game.

It’s not like he was the only one reluctant to play though. Sander’s face looked rather bemused too.

“Come oooon, Sander,” Noor groaned at him, pulling at his sleeve relentlessly to make him plop his butt on her left side. “You promised to leave that sulky slash lovesick face at home and have fun. This is fun!”

“I think we have a different definition of fun, darling,” he retorted, his gaze sweeping through the half-drunk faces, stopping at Robbe’s for a millisecond. It was so quick he thought he imagined the apprehensive look on his face, but then Sander did sit down, letting out a long-suffering sigh and promptly avoided his gaze throughout the game. Which was clearly an intentional effort because they sat exactly opposite each other.

To say Robbe was confused would be an understatement.

And that’s how he finds himself here, sitting in a circle amongst his friends and several strangers who keep hollering and shoving tongues in each other’s throats. He had one close call when the bottle spinned by a redhead girl almost pointed at him, making him hold his breath but then stopping on Moyo sitting on his other side, who was way more eager to fill the deed.

When it’s finally Sander’s turn to spin the bottle, Robbe's heart starts beating double time and he twists his fingers nervously. He realizes with dread that there is no good outcome of this situation; if it lands on any of his friends or any of those few people he only vaguely recognizes, he’s going to have to watch Sander play tonsil tennis with them and his stomach turns unpleasantly with something akin to jealousy at the mere thought. 

But if it lands on him?

Oh god.

The bottle is spinning already, Robbe having missed the moment Sander put it in motion, too busy wrangling with his thoughts about what he should do. The fact Sander has been avoiding his eyes ever since they started this stupid game makes him even more nervous about the whole thing. 

Then the bottle stops, pointing at him so accurately that it leaves no room for question.

And Sander’s face positively falls.

Sitting near him Jens and Moyo are giving him subtle thumbs up and not so subtle shit-eating grins with Aaron next to them clearly confused at their behavior all the while Sander looks like he’s in pain.

Eyes glued to the floor, body rigid, looking like he’d want to be anywhere but here.

People are staring at them, waiting for something to happen and Robbe feels nauseous.

And so humiliated. 

How could he misinterpret Sander’s behavior so much? And it’s not even that, not really. Does the idea of kissing him disgusts him that much he can’t even give him one stupid kiss to avoid putting Robbe on the spot?

From the corner of his eye he can see Noor elbowing Sander in the side and there’s an entire conversation happening between them without one word being uttered. 

Then, several things happen at once. The boys let go of any subtlety and start whooping and hollering like they want to force Sander to make some kind of move, there’s a loud whack coming from the kitchen where one of the couples went to continue their PDA so Jana and Zoe get up to check the damage and then Adi, who has been rummaging through the liquor cabinet for the last ten minutes, yells that he found a ten year old whiskey, making the broers scrambling off the floor to get their hands on it.

The rest of the people are still here with them though. Still staring. And Sander still seems to be rooted to the spot.

And Robbe has had enough. 

Ignoring Noor’s soft Robbe, he gets up and with a heavy heart almost runs to the door, putting his jacket on in a haste, frustration and shame cursing through his body as he runs down the stairs two step at a time, wanting to get outside as fast as he can.

The cold air washes over him once he reaches the entrance and he breaths in shakily, feeling his eyes welling up despite his hardest efforts not to cry.

It just hurts. It really hurts. And if he’s being honest with himself, the fact that there have been witnesses to his humiliation is a small part of the reason why he feels this way. It’s about the fact that it was Sander.

Sander. This boy who let him believe there may actually be someone interested in him. In that way. Sander, who flirted with him, complimented him, smiled at him, listened to him and sent him Bowie playlists.

Sander, who he felt more connected to recently than to any of his friends. 

He wipes at his eyes angrily, scoffing at the fact that this asshole was able to make him cry, when he hears rushed steps on the sidewalk behind him.

“Robbe!���

Walking faster, he tries to ignore the sound until there’s a hand on his shoulder stopping him in his tracks. He turns around ready to blow out in Sander’s face but the boy is faster.

“I’m so sorry for that,” he pants, voice tinted with desperation, apologies written across his face as his eyes flit all over Robbe’s like he’s trying to read his mind.

But Robbe only lets out a humorless laugh. “No worries, I understand, you were very clear. Point taken,” he sneers, starting to walk again.

“No, you don’t understand,” Sander pleads with him, taking his hand in his own to keep him from leaving. Robbe wants to pull it back, but the distressed look in Sander’s eyes makes him hesitate. “I didn’t want our first kiss to be a part of some stupid game. Not when I spent weeks trying to come up with a perfect scenario for our first kiss in my head.”

Robbe promptly loses his breath at his confession. 

“You wanted to kiss me before?” 

“Ever since I saw you,” Sander confirms in a small voice. His demeanor lacks the confidence Robbe got acquainted with, ripped of any trace of the usual conckiness. Instead, Sander appears almost shy, biting his lip nervously as if waiting for a blow and heart-breaking rejection.

There won’t be a rejection though. Not tonight. 

Without second-guessing himself, Robbe takes that one step that still separates them and seals their lips together, hands drifting to Sander’s rosy cheeks on their own, like there was a magnet pulling them in. Sander is stunned at first, his lips unresponsive, but it only takes about three seconds for his brain to catch up and then.

Then.

Then there’s Chernobyl in Robbe’s head.

Fuck.

The way this boy kisses.

Phew.

Robbe’s brain shuts off as Sander’s mouth moves over his with intention, sliding together in a rhythm that leaves him breathless. It’s almost impossible to keep all the noises that threaten to escape inside, one small whimper getting out without Robbe’s accord, but it’s okay because it gets swallowed by Sander’s unyielding lips right after it leaves Robbe’s, making Sander pull him even closer.

Eventually, they have to stop, getting dizzy from the lack of air. When their mouths do separate though it’s only for a centimeter and they keep panting in that small space between them, soon breaking out in quiet giggles.

“I've wanted to kiss you ever since I saw you too. Ever since that stupid meeting,” Robbe admits, feeling brave and like he’s floating on air, no confession scary enough right now. Sander looks very pleased with his words, and Robbe can feel the telltales of his regular confident smile coming back to his face under his lips when Sander pecks him softly.

Then, he draws back, regarding Robbe with eyes full of mischief.

“I only joined to meet you.”

That makes Robbe cock his brow in surprise and he searches his face for a lie or at least a joke, but he doesn’t find any. “You saw me before?”

There’s a pause and then Sander’s smile turns softer. “I saw you the first day of school.”

And, wow. He did not expect such a turn of events. 

“You were sitting at a lunch table with your friends, deep in thought, looking so beautiful you took my breath away. It felt like I saw an angel.”

Blood floods Robbe’s cheek and he drops his eyes under Sander’s intense gaze, because he’s not used to such praise, or praise whatsoever. And then there’s Sander, looking at him like he’s something precious, like he hung the moon and stars, touching him so gently and kissing him so passionately and Robbe feels like passing out.

Sander must have sensed he was getting overwhelmed because he chuckles quietly and cradles his cheek in his palm, thumb sweeping under his eye in a soothing motion as he leaves a few small kisses on his other cheek, melting Robbe in a pile of goo right there on the sidewalk, quiet night around them.

Once he pulls himself together, he can’t resist the tugging at the corners of his mouth and a full-blown smile blooms on his face that’s instantly matched by Sander’s own.

“You know, I don’t think I ever played spin the bottle before but I’d give it zero stars on booking.com,” he declares suddenly pulling a laugh out of Robbe. “I was so scared I’m gonna have to watch you kiss somebody else, phew!” He places a hand on his chest comically, turning on the dramatics. “My poor heart wouldn’t take it, Robin!”

And fuck, he’s so cute that Robbe can only laugh at this (his?) dork, fondly rolling eyes at his antics.

“Yeah, I didn’t want anybody to kiss you either. And it’s Robbe,” he adds with a long-suffering sigh, futilely, he’s sure, but it’s still worth it because Sander’s cheek in tongue expression lets him know the boy loves to rile him up and is not going to stop anytime soon.

Still, to wipe off the smug smile for the time being he pulls him back into a kiss by the lapels of his leather jacket and Sander doesn’t exactly protest such. The second kiss is slower, more thorough, but still mind blowing enough for Robbe to feel heat tugging at his stomach.

“Will you go on a date with me? Tomorrow? Or any other time you’re free? Please?” Sander whispers in the small space between them after they finally break apart, foreheads resting against each other and fireworks going on in Robbe’s brain. Despite them standing so close Robbe can see Sander’s face pretty clear, and he can see his hopeful but tentative expression as he waits for him to answer, eyes growing unsure with each second of silence.

Not wanting to keep him in suspense anymore, he gives his parted lips one more lingering kiss, too weak to resist them when they shine so prettily in the street light above them. “Tomorrow sounds perfect.”

[silverducks]

Game of Thrones - Jaime Lannister

A rambling character study of Jaime Lannister from Game of Thrones.

Introduction

Ok, so nearly a month since I finished watching Game of Thrones, and I’m still not over how it ended. Like some things I can reconcile myself too, some things just annoy me when I overthink what happened and some things - ok one thing in particular - is just not letting me go.

And that is the way the show ended for Jaime Lannister.

I know I’m like 2 years too late on the GoT bandwagon and no one cares anymore. But I’m writing all these posts because I still care, having recently experienced what you all went through 2 years ago. And I know what I’ll be posting will have all been posted countless times before and discussed in the fandom years ago. But I kinda need to still get my own thoughts written down and outta my head.

Before I go on though, I just want to add in here that I do still love this show and, even right to the very end, think the acting, crew, music, sets/scenery, costumes, basically everything was pretty much amazing. That is except the writing, which, went downhill after series 4. Before then it was pretty much amazing too (not always perfect (is anything?), but so darn good!)

Now, turns out when I came to write down my thoughts on Jaime’s ending, I had even more than I realised. Basically it’s turned into me writing one massive analysis of Jaime’s character based on the show. So I’ve split it into separate posts, with this first one more of an intro, a summary of my thoughts and overall opinion on Jaime and a bit of context on my own experience with Game of Thrones.

Now, spoilers for Game of Thrones ending

I’ve read/watched a lot on the internet since I saw those episodes (series 8, episode 4 and 5 in case you weren’t sure) and I know a lot of people don’t like how they ended Jaime’s story in the show either. But I’ve also read a lot of comments where people did like it, or at least thought it made sense. The reasons they give make no sense to me, but it’s made me think and overthink and analyse way too much about how they did end his story.

So, in order to try and get them out of my head, I’m putting them down here. It’s a long, pretty rambling read, split up into a few parts because it got so long. Across the posts I’m going to go through my own understanding and perception of Jaime’s character and his arc and why I think they completely ruined it in episodes 8.04 and 8.05. I’ll then focus on some of the main reasons I’ve seen why people think it did make sense, and why (even though I maintain everyone is entitled to their own opinion) I completely disagree. Jaime’s character arc was annihilated in the show even more than Kings Landing. And that is more than a bit frustrating.

Now, just a bit of background to add some context to my thoughts; I basically only got around to watching the show a few months ago (I’ve not read the books yet). I basically binged watched the entire show and am now just a little bit reeling from it all! LOL! Also, as I did binge watch it, it meant I didn’t spend time between episodes/series really analysing/theorising etc. I had a few ideas and thoughts, but not to the depth it would have been had I needed to wait impatiently for each new episode. This means I think my viewpoint is of the show as an overall whole, rather than each separate series, because it kinda all rolled into one. This may, or may not, have affected my opinion and so this analysis of Jaime Lannister and my disappointment in his ending. It also means, having only watched the show once, I’ve probably forgotten or missed bits. However, since I finished the show, I’ve watched a lot of YouTube videos and read a lot of stuff on the net about it, including in comparison to the books. (And I maybe rewatched some of my favourite scenes just a few times…) And now I am analysing and theorising and thinking about this show way too much! LOL!

So I guess my viewpoint isn’t one of ignorance, but it might not be quite the same as someone who’s been invested in the show from the start.

Like most viewers, I pretty much thought Jaime = evil villain for most of the earlier series. He had the odd moment, but it wasn’t until he did that speech with Catelyn about the conflict of all those oaths he’d taken that I even started to take note of his character. And then series 3 happens, where he has his road trip with Brienne, loses his hand, saves her from a bear and basically starts his wonderful path of character development. And basically manages to go from a guy I pretty much do not like at all at the start, to one of my all time favourite characters ever.

Also, I’m definitely a Brienne/Jaime shipper and did wish them to have a happy ending. However, I pretty much never thought the show would actually even go there, let alone make it happy. In fact, I actually did my best to NOT ship them for such a long time because, being Game of Thrones, I knew it was very unlikely to end well. But, then yeah, their intense staring contests kept on happening and darn it, the way that Jaime’s voice breaks when he says Lady Brienne and him giving her a priceless sword, and what the sword represents and…

Ok, well, yeah, I could gush about them all day, but anyway, I ended up not being able to fight the ship any more after series 6 and THAT tent scene. But, even then, I still didn’t think the show would make it canon, like it would just leave it all open ended/make up your own mind kinda thing.

And then we get to series 8. Like we have a whole episode (that is actually named for their very storyline) with Jaime just staring at Brienne, being all dorky around Brienne and then, if that wasn’t enough, he even KNIGHTS Brienne! I mean, this is epic for this ship! And I would have been ok (not happy, but satisfied) as a Brienne and Jaime shipper if that had been it.

But then no, then he barely leaves her side in the fight against the dead in the next episode – they fight side by side with their two halves of one whole swords, each risking their own life for the other multiple times. And then in the next episode (where I don’t think there’s barely any scene where they’re NOT right next to each other) the show DID make it canon. Like it actually did go there, they slept together (in an adorably awkward scene I love). Heck, Jaime then even chooses to stay in the North and be with Brienne, even though he hates the North. Like this was just epicness of all proportions and I got so excited and all those shippy feels I was trying to hold back just came rushing out and then... and then...

THEN that scene happens. He leaves her. Like WTH…

Anyway, more on that in another post. I guess what I’m trying to say is that as much as I ship them, my issues with Jaime’s ending is less about his relationship with Brienne, and more just his complete 180 on character development. Jaime’s arc has been heavily influenced by Brienne, but it is still amazing in its own right. As I didn’t expect Brienne/Jaime to ever happen (so when it did and then got taken away in the very same episode, it’s incredibly frustrating and gives even less credence to what does happen), it’s not why I’m so annoyed and disappointed with what happened to Jaime.

I’m annoyed because they took all this amazing character growth over 7 series and then screwed it all over in less than two episodes. No, that’s not enough. It was a complete and utter character assassination that completely undermines and destroys 7 series worth of investment and development, completely nullifying everything Jaime went through as a character.

So, yeah, I’m a bit annoyed, but that’s because it makes no sense and it’s bugging me enough to write this whole series of posts. Because I can’t let it go. And having read people justify, even like it online, it’s made my inner analysis thought train go into override. And I’m sorry if these posts are like I’m preaching to the choir, or writing such obvious stuff and repeating myself, I’m just trying to get it all out my head as coherently as I can. Hopefully allowing me to move on a bit.

#Urgh #I need to sit in a corner and try to cheer myself up again before I can write anymore #Maybe watching some Brienne and Jaime fan videos will help cheer me up #And also simultaneously depress me even more.

[unsaidholland]

fantasy | h. holland

hello friends here is a harry blurb i wrote and finished at 2 am! very very heavily inspired by fantasy by khai dreams (one of my favourite songs, go check it out if you’d like!) and i won’t lie, i kinda love this???

warnings: kinda sad, mentions of low self esteem and anxiety, harry moving on from a break up :(

you and harry were highschool sweethearts. everyone thought that the two of you would last, but a few years after graduation the two of you had broken up. neither one of you expected this, but it was what happened and you couldn’t change the events. you weren’t perfect, and neither was harry, but looking back on the relationship, he always thought you were like a fantasy; too perfect to be true.

harry wasn’t sure if he ever had the chance to tell you how much you truly meant to him in the end. when you were together he always told you that he loved you, and he told you that you were everything to him, but it wasn’t the same. he loved you, and he still loves you, but he knew that the breakup had to happen. he wanted you to know that he’d always love you and that you would always mean everything to him, but he also wondered if you would ever love yourself the same way you loved him. your love for harry was undeniable, but your self-love was, oftentimes than not, quite nonexistent. harry thought back to the countless nights where he held you and kissed away your insecurities. he thought about the way you seemed so fragile in his arms, but he held you tighter, hoping that his love for you would seep through your pores and into your veins. he hoped that you could feel his love so strongly and that his love was enough for the both of you. in the end, it may not have been.

as harry laid in bed, a movie he had seen countless times with you playing on his laptop, he wondered if you would go to the places you had always dreamt of: paris, osaka, madrid. the list could go on. he wondered if you would find yourself a new partner who would end up being like a fantasy to you. maybe you and your new partner would go to the places you dreamt of together. maybe you would fall in love again with someone from one of those places. whatever it was, he thought you deserved love and happiness. despite that, he wanted so desperately for you to feel the same way about him; he wanted the chance to be your fantasy. maybe if he ever ran into you again, wherever that would be, he would tell you that you were his fantasy.

the autumn leaves started falling. as the seasons changed and time went on, he noticed himself falling out of love with you. it wasn’t like it mattered anymore, the two of you weren’t together anyways, but he still felt like he was letting go of a part of him that he wasn’t ready to let go of quite yet. he’ll never forget the nights you helped him with his anxiety, and how just seeing you was enough to calm him down. how your touch was enough to ease all his nerves, and your voice was enough to put a stop to all his negative thoughts. he felt good knowing that there was so much of his life that he had yet to live. harry would take any chance to see you again, hear your voice again, and feel your touch again. he hoped that it would happen, but all in due time is what he reminded himself.

he took tessa out for a walk. as he walked through the park, seeing all the red and orange leaves scattered upon the grass, he thought of the things you’ve said to him. letting tessa off her leash, allowing her to run around and play with the other dogs, he thought of how every ‘i love you’ you ever said to him was so full of emotion. it was never empty. he thought of how you always told him he would go far in his career, and how you promised you would be with him on the red carpet premiere of his first movie. he thought of how truthful your promises were, how your eyes would light up just talking about his career and the success that you thought was guaranteed. the curly-haired boy wondered if you would keep your promise. things you said to him floated around his head. the wind picked up a little bit, and some of the leaves started to blow away, some of your promises leaving with them.

winter had rolled around, and harry was still stuck on you. though his feelings weren’t as strong as they used to be, he was convinced he would always love you. though the breakup had occurred more than a year ago, he was still confused. he loved you, but he felt like he had no path. at first, he had swamped himself with work, hoping that it would be enough of a distraction from losing you, but then all his work wasn’t turning out the way he wanted to, so he had taken a break from working, and was now slowly getting back into it. he had finished editing a short film, one that you had helped with, and all he could think about was you. he knew that by the time spring would roll around, he would be okay, he would obtain clarity. he was still reflecting on your relationship. though his brothers constantly told him he was dwelling, the truth was he wasn’t ready to let you go. you were so perfect to him, it was like he had fantasized you, like you were straight out of one of his dreams.

as he fiddled with the left cuff of his purple crewneck with one hand, watching the final cut of his short film, he realized that he had lost you. he wondered if this was how the universe had intended for the two of you to end up. he felt like he had lost his other half. as he thought about the weight of your hand in his, and the feeling of your kiss on his cheek, harry knew he would be okay in the end. after all, you were never really gone, he would always be able to rewatch the videos of you two together and attempt to feel like you were really right beside him. he would always fail, but it was okay. he would never know for sure if you two would find your way back to each other, but wherever you were now, harry knew you were living life as normal, and that was enough for him to carry on with life again.

-

harry holland taglist: @euphorichxlland​

anything and everything taglist: @hollanderfangirl​ @hxrryhxlland​ @ohmy-moonlightx​ @musicalkeys​ @notsosmexy​

[startwithbrooklyn]

THE GREAT ND REWATCH OF 2021 / OCTOBER 1, 2019 // the walkthrough

this was almost a double whammy but i just watched the first 2 minutes of the next ep to keep on this day 🙏🏻(you might be tired of my posts but at least its not this fucking destiel shit everywhere, lbr)

-patrice just showing up here is literally the biggest wtf moment yet

-also LOVE LOVE LOVE nancys hair twist up here (god i want this hair back instead of the middle part down)

-love their lil waves to patrice/"i cant take my eyes off her" 😂

-okay laura went straight for ace's face lmaoooo i love her lil braids tho

-was it just me or did bess's face look so heartbroken like she would love to move to paris with laura

-"you lost me once" umm wtf bitch WHY would she say that?? like how presumptuous (and put him on the spot too like if he says no now hes the asshole 🙄)

-love nick's friendship with josh here

-okayyyyy so is lucy haunting patrice, nancy, or both of them in front of this billboard?

-"i need to tell him i forgive him for being incompetent" 🙏🏻 zen

-lmaooo someone else mentioned that look of nancys when ace takes over the segue and im honestly here for it, shes like "get fucked, karen"

-despite the bus throwing from the first eps, nancy would prefer dealing with mcginnis to karen

-this trio at the police station + library nace moments reminds me of "ace has a thing for unattainable women" -hes unable to reach bess (sexually) laura (physically) and nancy (emotionally)

-nancys awko looks between ace + dominique like 👀👀

-"the move has been very hard on joshua- he's been different" -like something in the warehouse changed gomber- something happens to you after tragedy and leads you down a path of violence

-im thinking about s2 (all agleaca moments aside) it really feels like bess chose the marvins over lisbeth (and then the marvins bailed)

-"i've never felt like this before. i think i love you." ^sent dated january 7th, which is my birthday 💙

-"screw being zen" love lauras anger here AND georges cute little smirk at her in agreement

-"we need her" also love nancy agreeing with lauras shit opinion of the hbpd

-karen ---> ryan : relationships to lucy, carson, nancy

-i adore bess's thrill for the dramatic here and georges lil nod humoring her pretending to wipe tables 😂

-"i wanted to see you" think of how easily ryan admits he wanted to see george even though theyve been broken up for weeks- and george is still ashamed but ryan is just honest. hes almost always honest about how he feels and hes a shit liar which is kinda ironic for being a hudson as the other 3 are all usually the exact opposite

-again curious about the tiffany/marvins thing. wonder if owen ("pine hill") wouldnt have been happy to see her there because she was trying to take them both down? and why wouldnt he show then? he suspected it was a trap? or is this all just a red herring? 🤔

-so was lucy haunting ryan bc of abandonment? or bc she was trying to warn him about josh? was she actually haunting ryan and tiffany got in the crossfire or was she actively haunting tiffany as well? hannah's video seems to support that theory. and her appearance behind nancy at the claw was like lucy defending nancys accusations? or not? she doesnt appear behind nancy until the emails are brought up because then theyre on the same track in thinking ryan sent it- lucy knows ryan didnt "do it" and knows why she was haunting tiffany but doesnt know thet ryan didnt write the email

-laura: "i get it now" about amaya and bess because theyre lesbians lmfaooo which laura knows

-when ace asks nancy if shes okay she just shrugs instead of just saying "im fine" almost like she cant lie to ace so she just avoids answering

-so why did josh show up at j dodds right here and now? a bit odd of timing. and whos watching patrice while this happens?

-okay but watching josh get electrocuted must have been pretty horrifying

-interestingly in this ep specifically, ryan and ace act as foils- constantly running vs "i dont want to run away" like how ryan runs on lucy, leaves the claw, leaves nancy stranded from the clinic, etc

-"i believe in being true to yourself, even at the risk of being misunderstood."

~~~~~ and the first 2 minutes of ep 15:

-they all look at this cabinet from the video and nancy just runs straight to it lmaooooo running towards potential death with open arms

and lastly:

-think of how frustrating this is for karen who knows nancy is innocent/that josh did it but nancy keeps screwing around 😂

[itsreigns]

It’s Real

Sheamus x Reader

(Y/N) has been pining over her best friend for a long time. Working on different brand put their relationship through a very rough path. And things only tend to get worse...

Words: 3,649

Requested by @shadow-of-wonder​

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Pining over Sheamus has been a constant in my life ever since I met him. He is my best friend, and honestly, I don’t know where I’d be without him. I actually think he doesn’t even have a clue of how much he matters, how important he is to me. 

I can talk to him about anything, even things that may be difficult or uncomfortable to discuss. But he never judges me. Even if he doesn’t fully understand, he will always try his best to. There is nothing I’m afraid to share with him. Well, except for one thing.

That I am madly in love with him.

He’s the first person I want to share good news and bad news with. When we are on the way to the hotel from work, we talk about how our day went or whatever’s going on in our worlds. We’re able to have rational, thoughtful conversations, but we also have conversations about the most random things and we can just sit comfortably in silence as well.

We were attached to the hip. Always driving around together, going to the gym together… every kind of thing.

Until we were drafted to different brands. 

When the draft happened, I was trying to gather up the courage to ask him out on an actual date, coming clean about how I truly saw him. 

That never got to happen. 

Since then, we’ve grown slightly apart. We still talked but not as much as before. Our calls got shorter, just as our texts, and we barely Facetimed. Long story short, we barely hung out anymore, because our schedules didn’t match. 

It hurt, so bad. I could feel him and our friendship slipping through my fingers. 

I missed him so much. Him as a whole. His touch… his voice… his laugh… the way he made me laugh. How he cared about me. How he always managed to get through me when I wasn’t feeling well. Everything.

So lately, all I had from him was every picture and video he put online. I go back to his Instagram only to see his face, his wide smile, in his photos. And I rewatch those videos over and over, especially when I am in bed, ready to sleep, letting his voice sink in. 

At the beginning, it fulfilled the void and made me happy, but now… it only makes me sadder. It only makes me miss him more… miss us more.

Today, it’s Monday. I have lots of work to do backstage as Raw is airing in a couple of hours, because apparently some big things that only the bosses and creative know about are going down tonight, and... I’m feeling like shit. It’s one of those days. 

Only to make it worse, I keep recalling the times when he’d notice I was feeling down. He’d whisper “Come here, lass.” and pull me into a warm side hug, as he ran his hand through my hair and pressed gentle kisses to my forehead. 

How I wish I had that right now. I’m craving his affection. I need his affection. It’s becoming unbearable to be away from him. But apparently he was doing good away from me, so there’s no way I could ever change this.

I try to shrug off the knot of anxiety that was tightening my chest, so I could do the rest of my chores as well as I possibly could right now.

After almost two hours, I was done. It was hard to do it all, but I somehow managed. Then, I headed to the makeup and hair zone, looking for my friends Alexa and Zelina. Sadly, they were both occupied. Zelina was getting her makeup done, and Alexa was getting her hair braided. 

They quickly asked if I was okay, and I managed to shoot them a fake smile as I nodded affirmatively. I don’t think they bought it, but… I just don’t want to worry them. 

I then decide to go sit in the corner of that zone. There were some storing boxes there that the personnel used to keep heavy material for the stage, so I just hopped on top of one of them. 

Reluctantly, I reach my back pocket and get my phone. I debate whether I should unlock it or not for a couple of minutes, but then I give in. I need to see his face.

With my hands shaking, I enter my Instagram, going straight to the search feature. Obviously, his name was right at the top of my searches. I open his profile and my heart quickly gets caught in my throat.

He had posted another picture. But he wasn’t alone. There’s a girl right by his side. A very stunning girl, tucked right into him for the picture. My stomach starts flipping, and I feel myself starting to get sick, wanting to throw up. 

I didn’t even bother to read any descriptions or check tags. My assumptions have been made and they were clear as water. He was dating her. 

I quickly returned to the main page of his profile and unfollowed him. I just can’t bare the thought of having to see more pictures like that one. Or even cozier… more romantic pictures. I’m almost throwing up again with nervousness just by thinking about it. 

It felt like a slap to my face and I was still numb. I closed the app and set my phone on the box carelessly. I wasn’t expecting this. I wasn’t ready for it. I didn’t even know he had met someone, let alone be dating. 

This made me realize how clueless I was being. He didn’t need me anymore, that’s why he barely reached out lately. He had someone else to do the things we used to do together. 

I let him forget all about me.

No, I did not let him forget me. He forgot me. I quickly rearranged my thoughts. It was not my fault that he didn’t care about me or our friendship. I was not at fault in this. 

With this, I decided that I was going to let him go and get over this, because I am a strong bitch. Yes, those were the exact words I kept telling myself in my head. I am strong and I will not let him see how much it’s affecting me. 

Not that he’s around to, he’s obviously a little busy isn’t he? The nagging voice was back but was quickly shoved to the back of my mind when I was suddenly joined by Alexa.

She sat down next to me and stared at me for a couple of seconds before actually speaking up. 

“Are you okay?” She asks carefully, trying to read me. “I- Well, we’ve seen Shea-”

“I am fine. And I don’t want to hear or talk about it.” I know I sounded snappy, but I just don’t want to talk about the fresh wound on my heart. I want to push this to the depths of my soul and not remember it or him ever again.

“Okay. I’ll respect that.” She sighs heavily as she rubs my knee soothingly. “But if you need anything, and I mean anything, you call me right away, okay?” 

I nodded in response but was eyed suspiciously by Alexa. I knew what it meant so I said what she wanted to hear. 

“I promise Lexie.”

She pressed a kiss to my cheek before leaving. And there I was, sitting in a corner, alone with my thoughts again. I honestly don’t even know how much time has passed since I saw it.

I could see people passing by and I definitely could hear the fans’ screams and shouts echoing in the arena, and damn, they were loud tonight. But I was way too numb to pay attention to any of it.

Finally, after God knows how long, I snapped out of it. When I stand up, my body feels like ten times its weight. It feels like I’ve been beaten down by someone and I’m just lugging myself around like deadweight.

And I was. Emotionally. But it’s still a beatdown.

I make my way towards my shared locker room to gather my things so I can finally go to my hotel room and just wallow in my thoughts all by myself. 

Picking up my backpack, I head out of the room. I know I was dragging myself around but I just can’t pretend anymore. I just can’t. I am devastated. In two seconds, I realized I lost my best friend and the man I love. My brain is all over the place and I just want to take a shower and then lay down and sleep. Sleep so I can forget all this mess.

I’m halfway through the parking lot when I hear someone calling out my name.

That’s enough to make me stop in my tracks. I know that voice all too well and I am hesitant to turn around. Firstly, because I am afraid that I’m starting to lose my mind and hearing things. Secondly, I’m terrified that he is in fact right behind me. 

“(Y/N).” The voice says again, this time more firm and confident. 

I got chills running down my spine. My whole body is shaking. I definitely didn’t want to do this right now. I don’t want to look in his eyes. Not now. I think everything will come crashing down once I do so. Taking a deep shaky breath, I try to keep walking towards my rental. 

“(Y/N)!” He yells this time, sounding closer to me than before. “Can you please stop for a minute and look at me?” He stops me by grabbing my arm gently.

“No, I can’t.” I choke out, keeping my gaze on the cemented ground. “I just want to leave. So just please, let me go.”

My sight is getting blurry from the tears that have formed in my eyes, as I was practically begging him to let me go. It was pitiful, I know, but I couldn’t stand being this close when I’m nothing to him anymore. 

With this, I pull my arm out of his grasp with one motion and I can feel his stare burning through my back as I walk away. Deep down, I wished he’d stop me again, that he’d hug me and tell me that he missed me, that he wanted to be at least my friend.

But he didn’t. 

He just watched. 

He just watched me walk away. From him. From his life. He didn’t say a goddamn word. And it killed me. 

As soon as I get to the car, the tears start falling down my cheeks. I am in so much pain that it almost feels like actual physical pain. My whole body hurts. My head feels like a balloon. I can’t even breathe straight. 

I cried all the way back to the hotel. Dangerous as I know it is, I drove most of the way on autopilot. I don’t even remember most of it, to be quite honest. 

The woman in the reception looks at me with pity written in her features, probably wondering why my eyes are all red and puffy, why I look like a fucking mess. She was nice about it though. Kathryn, as read on her name tag, offers me a sweet smile every time she has to talk to me and let me know some information regarding the room and the hotel, which I couldn’t focus on, considering my state. But when she gave me the key, I was able to give her a small smile, that she returned delicately. 

I’m finally in my room. Tossing out my clothes carelessly on the floor, I head to the bathroom and turn on the water. I take a good look at myself in the mirror. 

Fuck… I do look like a hot ass mess. Running my hands down my face, a sob runs through my body once again. How could a single person hurt another so badly? How could a human endure this kind of pain?

I get under the hot water, letting it fall down my tense and broken body, wanting it to wash away all the pain and sadness that is running through my veins right now. I just stand there as I get it all out of my system.

It’s about 20 minutes later when I turn the water off. Grabbing a towel, I dry myself lazily before heading to my suitcase and pulling out some panties, an old shirt and some lazy sweatpants to wear.

After putting them on, I collapse on the bed, feeling so drained and exhausted from all the nerves and all the crying.

When I am finally drifting off to sleep, there is a light knock on the door. It was so light that it almost seemed someone was knocking on a door near mine. Suddenly, there’s another knock. This one way more confident. 

It’s probably Lexie. I left without telling her anything, and I didn’t text her. She was probably worried sick, and I feel terrible about it now.

I get up and head to the door, opening it. “Lexie, I am so sorry-” 

My words are cut short when I get face to face with the person who was knocking at my door. I find myself staring at the face I was dreading to look at ever since that happened.

He has this weird look on his eyes, I can’t quite put my finger on it. But I absolutely don’t want to do this right now. I need to sleep on it, get some rest first. So I go and try to close the door before any words are exchanged. 

But he stops me, preventing the door from closing with his arm. He’s much stronger than I am, so he manages to pull the door open and get inside, closing it behind him. I sigh in defeat, retreating back to the bed and sitting down, leaning against the headboard, as he stands in front of my bed, hands tucked in his jeans’ pockets.

“Care to tell me what the fuck is going on, (Y/N)?” He says, an indecipherable tone lacing his voice. I can’t tell if it’s anger, disappointment, hurt, care or everything altogether.

“I don’t want to talk about it.” I manage to say when I find my voice, moving my gaze to my hands, currently set in my lap.

“What have I done to you, (Y/N)?” He sounds almost desperate now. 

“I just said I don’t want to talk about it, Sheamus.” It hurts so much even just hearing him say my name. This is too painful. 

“You used to talk to me about anything. What changed?”

“You did.” I say before I can stop myself. He furrows his brows in slight confusion, urging me to keep talking. “Everything did.”

“I know we haven’t talked much lately, but you know I care and think about you every day.” He tries to reason, but I wasn’t having it. 

“No, you don’t.” I mumble, once again staring down at my hands, as a sad chuckle leaves my lips.

“Yes, I do.” He looks down at me in disbelief.

I feel tears in my eyes once more today, and honestly I was done crying. I avert my gaze down again, burying my head in my hands. Feeling the bed shift, I quickly feel Sheamus’ hand making contact with my thigh, caressing me gently. I wanted to slap his hand away, but I was craving his touch so, so much that I couldn’t find it in my heart to do it.

Suddenly, the girl pops up in my mind again. 

“You shouldn’t be here.” I snap, flinching away from him. “She won’t like it. You need to go to her. You need to leave.”

“Who’s she, (Y/N)? I swear you’re not making any sense.” 

I am not looking at him but I can tell by his tone that he’s genuinely confused, which makes me even more distressed. 

“The girl.” I finally look at him. He looks so concerned and confused. “In your photo. I saw it. I think everyone did.” I mumble, once more not being able to maintain eye contact with him. 

“You mean the picture I posted today?” He asks, and I only nod. “Are you serious?” Now, he was smiling and I couldn’t see what was so funny. “Was that why you were like this back at the parking lot, and right now?” He asks carefully, looking at me intently. 

It was now or never. I had to do it.

I nod. 

“That- That was Josie. Don’t you remember? That friend I had from Ireland, that I told you about?”

Suddenly, there’s light in my brain. I do remember him talking about her. They were very good friends when they were kids back in Ireland.

“I- I remember.” I admit, blushing and feeling bad as hell. 

“Didn’t you read the caption?” He asks, tilting his head to the side as he smiles at me. I shake my head no, and he lets out a light chuckle. “You have nothing to worry about. She’s just an old friend, and we were just catching up.” Meanwhile as he spoke, his hand found his way to my thigh once more. 

I was blushing as hell but I was trying to fight everything I was feeling. I didn’t want to read too much into this and get my hopes up. 

He takes a moment to stare at me, as if trying to read me or understand me. But I never said anything. I think anything I would’ve said at that moment would have ruined everything.

“Look, (Y/N)...” He trails off, glancing down at my shaky hands. “I hope I’m not reading too much into this, but… if you… if you feel something, I need you to tell me.”

That’s it. Our friendship is over. This is the part where he obviously tells me that he can’t be my friend if I love him. 

“Why do you need to know that?” I say, very upset. “You don’t need to let me down gently. You don’t like me like that, we can’t be friends. I get it. Now can you go?” I plead with my eyes filled with tears once more as I fully face him. 

“No, I can’t go, (Y/N).”

I’m crying again. Why is he torturing me? Why can’t he just leave me alone? 

“Why are you making this so goddamn difficult, Sheamus? I swear-”

I’m not even finished talking when I feel his lips pressed against mine. I am in complete shock. It takes me a few seconds to process what is happening. He pecks me one time very gently and pulls back. 

Our faces are the closest they’ve ever been. Our gazes locked. Our foreheads resting against each other. His hand cradling my face so delicately. 

“I’m not making this so goddamn difficult. I’m trying to simplify it.” He whispers as his thumb caresses my cheek. 

I launch myself into his arms, hugging him. He hooks his arms around my midsection, pulling me into his lap. I wrap my legs around his waist. I hug him so tight, as if I’d never get the chance to do it again. 

“I missed you so much, (Y/N). You have no idea how much.” He mumbles against my neck. “Being away from you, was the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life. I couldn’t go another day without seeing you.”

This statement makes my stomach twist up in knots again. He has to go back.

“You have to go back though…” I say sadly.

“I don’t.”

“What?!” I can’t disguise my excitement. “Are you serious?”

“Yes, I was moved back to Raw again.” He smiles widely, seeing how happy I was with the news.

“Oh my God! This is amazing! I missed you so much.” I smile, and before I could stop myself, I peck his lips. I pull back abruptly, once I take notice of what I was doing. “I am so sorry. I- You- ” I’m rambling and I just can’t stop myself. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be.” He reassures, hooking a finger under my chin and making me look up at him. “I know I’m not. You know why?” I shake my head no. “Because I love you.” 

There’s silence for awhile. We’re just staring at each other, letting his words sink in. 

“You know I love you too, right?” 

“I was kind of hoping you did.” He laughs lightly. “But I can’t say I wasn’t scared shitless that you didn’t.”

“I do. I always did.” You whisper, pecking his lips again. “I love you, Sheamus.”

That somehow triggers something in him. He’s kissing me now, so intensely, I think I’m passing out soon. He licks my upper lip, begging for entrance. I can’t stop the moan that leaves my mouth, granting him the so wished access. 

His tongue starts massaging and crashing against mine, as the kiss turned into a makeout session. I’ve dreamed about this for so long, it still seemed like a dream. 

The kiss is growing hotter by the second. I, being the teaser I am, start grinding my hips against his, earning a deep growl from him. 

Suddenly, he breaks the kiss. “I need to ask you something.” I nod, waiting for the question. “Will you be my girlfriend?”.

“Of course I want to be your girlfriend.” 

As soon as those words leave my lips, his come crashing on mine again. He pecks my lips a dozen times before we pull back and hug each other.

“Pinch me, so I know this is real.” I laugh stupidly, hiding my face in his neck. 

The bastard bites my collarbone gently and I yelp in surprise.

“See? It’s real.”

Give me some feedback please?

[ubernoxa]

The Sip: A Modern Day Guns N’ Roses Fanfic

Chapter 8: Entertainment News

Story Summary: In a packed room she couldn’t have felt more alone. Everyone was adorned and jewels and would humbly brag about their accomplishments when asked. She couldn’t blame them though, that’s what she was told to do as well. So, she stood there next to her boyfriend she knew was cheating on her as she continued to quietly listen as a good guest does.

In the basement of the dreadful never ending party, Alanah quickly realizes the night just might not be over. In this modern day AU Alanah learns just how much one sip can ripple into a waterfall.

Chapter Summary: The press become suspicious of Duff and Alanah’s ‘relationship’ or lack there of.

Masterlist

Taglist: @str4nge-haze

Before I could even open my eyes I knew exactly who was holding onto me. I knew who I had decided to cuddle last night. I leaned in closer to him as I smell his familiar scent of vodka and cigarets. The scent slowly bringing me back to sleep.

“Nah, she’s still sleeping,” my heart fluttered at the sound of Duff’s voice. I felt his chest slowly rise and fall as he spoke. It was calming almost rhythmic, a melody slowly pulling me back to sleep.

I fought the urge and opened my eyes to find that I was covered by a blanket shielding me from the light. Did he put the blanket over me so I wouldn’t wake up if someone turned on the lights?

My heart skipped a beat as he subconsciously pulled me in closer as he talked to someone about the award he won last night. I was proud of them, not the speech they gave after the award, but the award itself. They were drunk and it was clear that the alcohol had taken full effect the moment Slash opened his mouth and spoke into the microphone. It was absolutely hilarious, but it was immediately clear that not everyone found it funny as Sandy and I as we received SEVERAL glares as we tried to hide our giggles.

Once the person Duff was talking to left, I decided to poke my head from under the covers. I wish I could have stayed under the covers for longer, but it was getting too hot. My dress becoming more unbearable by the second.

“Good morning,” I purposely spoke in my sweetest voice possible as I snuggled into him. This all felt like some sort of strange dream. My heart skipped a beat as I heart him subconsciously hum.

“Yes it is,” I felt myself blush as he looked at me. There is something about his damn smile that makes my stomach perform backflips. It makes me feel like I’m in middle school again, nervous around that boy I have a crush on.

“Shame about your dress, must have been uncomfortable to sleep in,” I nodded at his comment while trying to remember the previous night. I could remember the interviews the awards the shots, but there were still a few moments I couldn’t recall.

“Such a shame,” those were the only words that could come out of my mouth as he held me in his arms. He had me speechless. I shrugged back trying to seem casual, a very stark contrast to what I was feeling on the inside.

——————

“So you guys didn’t do it?”

I rolled my eyes as Sandy continued to pry about what happened last night a the after party.

“No, of course we didn’t! The place was packed and we didn’t have a private room to do it. Plus why are you so interested in my sex life? You know we have already had sex right?,” I stood in the kitchen pouring some beans on the nachos I was about to cook. I couldn’t cook a lot of things, but nachos were another story. My nachos were amazing and anyone who disagrees had to have been lying, or at least that’s what I told myself.

“Have you watched any of the interviews from last night?”

“No, we were there. Why would I rewatch the interviews?” After I put the chips in the oven to heat up, I joined her on the couch watching entertainment news aka the fake news.

“Good afternoon, my name is Harriet Hegel, and you’re watching E news!”

I smirked as the woman began to speak reporting on news. She went on and on about the stupidest things from latest Instagram posts to alleged fights, and we were making fun of the show the entire time. I was pulled from our conversation the sound of my timer going off announcing that my nachos were done cooking.

When I came home a couple hours ago the first thing I did was take off the dress that had become INCREDIBLY uncomfortable. Between the indents that the zipper was currently making in my skin to the sweat that had made it stick to me, I wanted it off. A nap was next on the agenda followed by food.

“Oh my god! ALANAH GET YOUR ASS IN HERE!” I bolted from the the kitchen to the living room as I heard Sandy scream across the apartment.

I didn’t need to ask what was wrong when I walked into the living room. Harriet answered my question immediately.

“Like most award events that Guns N’ Roses rockers Slash and Duff McKagan attend, they caused a lot of...commotion.” The hostess was smiling from ear to ear. To say the media loves reporting on Guns and their questionable lifestyle would be an understatement. Their antics made good content, and their audience was always bound to eat it up.

“Their night started with the pair showing up to the awards show tipsy,” Harriet was then joined by another blonde who I had seen on previous broadcasts. I think she was a co-host, but she never really says who she is..but who the fuck cares.

“The Guns boys won more than just the award for rock song of the year, they also won the award for most controversy. The night started with the boys showing up clearly tipsy, and after being clearly directed down one path they chose to go some the other. At first this caused A LOT of confusion among the people working the security, but our questions were quickly answered as they walked over to YouTubers Sandy Mafter and Alanah Whittle who were hosting interviews on that carpet,”

“They fucking said my last name wrong! It’s not that hard?!? How hard is it to say it right, MAY-FTER! Not mater like the tow truck from Cars!” I couldn’t help but laugh hysterically as she yelled at the TV.

“Well ain’t that a coincidence !” Harriett joked. Harriet was hinting at what I was trying to ignore. They went all the way out of their way to talk to us. Duff was just a friend who wanted to say hi though. He was just being nice.

And last night....we were just drunk.

Sandy quickly calmed down and smirked at the TV. Great now the media was getting as bad as Sandy. Duff and I were just friends!

“They seem to have great chemistry and they look cute together!” The other woman added as they played a clip from our interview with them.

“So this begs the question we all want to answer, are Duff and Alanah dating?”

“Good to know I’m not the only one wondering that!” I teasingly tossed a chip in Sandy’s direction earning some giggles as she caught it and ate it.

Me too girl...me too.

“We quickly got that question after the awards ceremony during a post awards show interview, roll the clip.”

My eyes were glued to the screen as the clip played.

“That’s why I can’t get a girlfriend, the media likes to paint a picture on who we are and what we do. I’ll admit we are roll models....” I could help, but laugh at a tipsy Duff who was too tall and had to bend over to talk into the mic. He looked adorably ridiculous.

Before Duff could continue his drunken rant, a reporter asked him a question that grabbed my full attention.

“What about Alanah Whittle?” I felt my heart trying to escape my chest as my eyes were glued to the screen at the interviewer’s question.

Yeah, what about me?

Slash giggled and Duff began to blush, which wasn’t helping my stomach from continuing to perform backflips.

FRIENDS

FRIENDS

FRIENDS

He’s only acting like that because he is very tipsy. It’s the alcohol.

“She’s great..” Slash drunkly said as he giggled at his tipsy bandmate who was still flustered from the question.

“Yeah, she’s great. Easy to talk to and an absolute goof...her cooking is another story,” As Duff spoke he had a smirk on his face, not a smirk like Sandy’s earlier, but a smirk none the less.

The clip ended and the tv was once again filled with the two woman who were hosting the entertainment news.

“So that’s a hard no, but we will see how long that lasts. As most of you know I’m incredibly nosey which is why I do the job I do,” one of the hosts proudly said earning a collective eye roll from Sandy and me.

“Looking at social media, neither Duff nor Alanah posted photos of them together last night. Alanah posted a cute picture of her and Sandy captioned ‘pinch me because I must be dreaming’, and Duff posting a picture of him and slash holding the award captioned ‘holy shit, thanks guys!’.” The woman pointed at the photos that appeared behind her on what I assumed was a green screen.

“Aww that’s a cute photo of us!” Sandy smiled as the woman rambled at how different Duff and my captions were.

“Yeah, couldn’t help, but post it!” I smiled back, but before I could continue talking my attention was pulled back to the TV as they pulled up a video.

“That chick has to be ex-FBI or something because she has gone full detective,” I nodded at Sandy’s words.

“Now if you look at this video from Slash’s Instagram live last night. I will admit most of it is him and Steven going around and drunkly interviewing people, but we do catch this moment in the background,” the woman pointed towards Duff and I who were playing a very drunk game of Jenga. From what I could remember Steven’s girlfriend had set it up and recommend the two of us to play it together.

“Now if we zoom in here...” the woman had the video zoom in and you could see what we were doing clearly. My arms were wrapped around his neck and you could see my hands gently playing with his hair. I held my breath as the show remained zoomed in on Duff and I.

The whole time I was frozen eyes glued to the screen.

We didn’t have sex right?

My dress was still on this morning.

Fuck.

Fuck.

There was no way a camera could have caught us having sex if we didn’t have sex. It was a simple fact, but my brain was racing with what ifs that made it impossible to look away from the screen.

After the passionate kiss, Duff placed a kiss on my forehead, and pulled me in tight for a hug.

“Aww,” I turned to Sandy who looked like she was watching a puppy video on YouTube.

“Shut up,” I playfully pushed her, only earning more laughter.

I quickly grabbed the remote and threw on some random Netflix show before going to do the dishes.

“I’m sorry did you say something?” I shouted across the room. I heard a noise from the living room that pulled me from washing my dishes.

“I said, is it cool if I post some photos from last night ?”

“Ohh yeah go right ahead. I uploaded all of mine to our shared drive earlier, so feel free to grab some from there. Make sure to add a thank you to YouTube for inviting us and shit,” I yelled back.

I hadn’t put much thought to the pictures I had uploaded to our drive, but I probably should have.

“So for our next video I was thinking we should post the summary video of us getting ready for the awards show. Then I’m thinking some of our favorite interview moments. Last, I want to do a video on some of the weird stuff on Amazon, like the stuff with terrible rating,” I said writing down our schedule on some scratch paper. Once we agreed on our next steps we would put it on our schedule board, but for right now scrap paper was fine.

“Sandy,” I said again pulling her attention from her phone.

“Yeah I like the amazon idea. Also yes to absolutely milking hosting the awards show....sorry I was distracted by something, but I’m listening I promise,” Sandy said handing me her phone.

It was on the Guns N’ Roses Instagram page, and she motioned me to swipe through the the photos.

The first one was a shot of Slash and Duff onstage, the second was a group shot of the entire band, I froze at the third photo which was definitly a screenshot from Sandy’s and my interview with Duff and Slash, and I flipped through more, but the last one caught my eye. I didn’t remember being apart of the photo, but there I was standing next to Steven’s girl with Duff’s arms wrapped around my waist. We defiantly looked like a couple, but were we?

I groaned in frustration as I leaned back against the couch, and handed Sandy her phone back.

We were just friends right?

Nothing more?

Within seconds my phone went off, and speaking of the devil it was Duff. Sandy sent me a knowing look before she went back through scrolling through social media.

“Hey! What’s up?” I smiled as I answered his FaceTime call.

“Nothing definitely still tired as fuck.”

“Same!” I immediately replied back as I plopped down on my bed.

“Are you free Friday night?” My heart stopped as the question left his tongue. There was a cyclone of butterflies tearing through my stomach.

“Umm yeah, I have Friday off. Why what’s up?” I focused on my breathing as I spoke.

Holy shit was he asking me out on a date?

“Guns N’ Roses was invited to some bullshit record company party. All I know is that I have to wear a suit for the second time this week, and it’s gonna suck,” he seemed the least bit interested in the event as he spoke. He reminded me of when my mom used to force me to go to church on Sunday.

“If you’re trying to sell me on this event, I should warn you that you’re aren’t doing a good job at it,” I teased back earning some chuckles from Duff.

“Here’s the thing, it wouldn’t suck if you were there as my date.”

[hillnerd]

Hello hillnerd! I've read more than one of your interesting analysis, so I was wondering, if/when you'll have the time could you explain why/how Ron's character was mistreated by the movies? We all know what a terrible portrait of Ginny they've done, but I've always felt like they did a worst job with Harry than with Ron. Thank you very much, and if you've already spoken more deeply about, don't you worry about it ^^

Aw thanks so much! I’m glad you find my extra long rants interesting! ;)

So! Ron Weasley is my favorite character in the HP series. I found myself continually getting more and more disappointed with his portrayal as the movie series progressed, and have had lots to say on it over the years, but don’t believe I’ve ever had one semi-cohesive long post about it. Here we go, kids!

I have explored this when I went into classism and how it plays into Ron, and the Weasleys, portrayal in the films. This, I feel, is key to understanding how perverse the changes ended up being in the films. To me it’s not just about the character of Ron not being portrayed accurately, but rather an all-around disdain for poverty/working class people.

I won’t repeat what I said in my other essay- but please do read it to get a fuller picture of my issues with Ron’s portrayal. To sum it up, classist tropes of poor people being stupid, lazy, unloyal, and fearful is what Steve Kloves reduced the Weasleys to. 

I also am not a huge fan of the movies, so have not given many of them a lot of rewatches- nor will I for this- so it might get hard for me to remember all issues, and I’m sure I’ll miss a lot of them.

HOW RON WEASLEY WAS RUINED IN THE MOVIES:

When people watch the films they come away from them having some understanding of who the characters are in the books. Harry might come across as more serious in the movies- but his bravery, his dedication, his self-sacrifice, and even at times his sarcasm- are still there. Hermione and her whip-smart intelligence are not just present- they are upped to the point of ridiculous at times- they also went on to make her even more empathetic, friendly and kind than she was in the books (she’s more of a prickly little thing- but they portray her as this sensitive empathic character who never puts a step wrong in the movies… ) and made her more physically capable than in the books too. (punching malfoy, able to physically lift Harry into the air when being swung around on the whomping willow, dueling capabilities etc)

Then there is Ron. Most people come away thinking Ron is a coward, or stupid- at best they find him amusing. The movies seemed to go out of their way to wipe away all of Ron’s positive attributes and replace them with problematic behaviors that were completely antithetical to who Ron was, and even change scenes so that he did the exact opposite actions as well. They robbed him of almost every act of intelligence, kindness, wit, heart and bravery from the books. I’m fine with changes from the book as far as scenes- but I am not ok with them completely altering his character to make him selfish, unkind, cowardly, stupid etc. The movies didn’t just ruin Ron Weasley in them- they created a legacy of suck. I mean, that’s why  there are video essays titled ‘is Ron useless’ on youtube where they have to do a breakdown of the character, in the newest HP phone game Ron isn’t featured like Harry and Hermione and is worth less points, in the play he’s portrayed as a dingus who can’t point a wand in the right direction… People fundamentally don’t know Ron, and that’s due to the movies (and their influence - even on how people interpret his character when they read the books, imo.)

Let’s get into it though!

This started with the first film:

the one film that was truest to who Ron was in the books.

The Devil’s Snare

Let’s compare the scenes:

Now, they had to cut one of Hermione’s feats in order to streamline the journey to the stone. The riddle with the potions would be a lot harder to make interesting in film, so having her shining moment be the Devil’s Snare makes absolute sense. 

As it was her one moment of glory, it also made sense for her to get to stay calm. I can’t begrudge that change.

What I DO have issue is, Kloves decided to sacrifice Ron’s character in order to bolster Hermione. He made Ron become completely irrational and panicky, while cool calm Harry and Hermione looked on with amusement and derision. 

He could have easily had both the boys unable to keep from wiggling- or had Hermione just crawl off in time like in the book- but no. 

This was the beginning of a pattern we continue to see throughout the movies.

They kept feeding the notion that in order to make Harry and Hermione looks cool’/brave- they needed to have Ron cowering beside them- when that is the exact opposite of who he is as a character. 

We also have another moment earlier in the book/film that undercuts Ron in order to bolster Harry.

_________________________________________________

Their first quidditch lesson:

BOOK

MOVIE

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_Ix0BhYSZBg

Ron’s been flying a broom since he was a kid. Yet he’s struggling to get the broom to go up while most of the class succeeds, and then it strikes him in the face? Really? Neville is already about to have an accident with the broom and made a lot more sense for this piece of physical comedy- but they did it to Ron… 

In this film it’s not that big of a deal- after all he has loads of great moments- but it goes to show that Kloves doesn’t understand Ron’s role in the series for Harry- beyond being his best friend, he’s also a knowledgeable guide to the wizarding world. They almost completely remove this from Ron, and give almost all exposition to Hermione or Hagrid. Ron’s essential function is removed. This is just a tiny example. It gets worse as the films continue.

   ————————————————————————————————

THE TROLL

In the book he is very capable and is able to do Wingardium Leviosa to save Hermione WITHOUT her coaching him in the bathroom. But he can’t have his moment without Hermione teaching him in the movie

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IbxMy9T49fM

    ————————————————————————————————

Chamber of Secrets

This is it. The film where Ron is firmly established as a coward.

He is moaning, squeeking, shaking, crying, and all around acting a total miserable coward in scene after scene. Again this is the exact opposite of who Ron is as person. In the books he’s this fiery tempered guy who is ready to first fight/duel any ahole who crosses his path- but in the movies, he’s this:

FOLLOW THE SPIDERS

In the books he never is falling apart like that, even when facing the spiders- his biggest fear. (He is literally phobic of them, but this is now shown in the films.) Harry is stoic, to the point of ridiculously stoic, during these moments- while Ron practically crying. Now I’m fine with Ron being show afraid in this particular scene- my issue is how it’s played for comedy, how they add in moments of ‘now can we panic,’ and have Harry show about as much emotion as a door knob the whole scene.  

If this were the one scene where Ron acts like this, hey I’d let it pass.

Nope. It’s become his entire personality. He is in the same state CONSTANTLY in this film. Dignity? Ron does’t get to have a moment of that. He’s constantly making this face:

When in the car, when near his mum, when being yelled at by the howler, when being yelled at by moaning myrtle, when Harry is injured etc.

If his excessive fear weren’t the only big problem that’d be one thing- but no.

He is also striped of his purpose in being a guide to the wIzarding world.

—————————————-

MUDBLOOD AND SLUGS

When Hermione is called a Mudblood in the books she has no clue what that means. Ron is the one who, rather eloquently, explains it.

This is instead given to Hagrid and Hermione. While Ron pitifully barfs int he corner only able to add a feeble ‘it’s sickening’ for laughs.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xpj3krxJtNU

——————————————————————-

PRISONER OF AZKABAN

They continue to make Ron a coward, but also erode his friendship with Harry and Hermione, and make him ‘irresponsible’ on top of it.

INSUFFERABLE KNOW-IT-ALL

Ron gets detention from Snape for defending Hermione against him.

In the films he agrees with Snape’s bullying comment

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OjxZyljxrxE

——-

SCABBERS

Ron’s concern about Scabber’s health is made into a one-off sort of joke in the films, and for some reason a narrative of ‘Ron keeps losing Scabbers and is an irresponsible pet owner’ is established in the films. 

Molly has to chase him with Scabbers and shouts ‘DON’T LOSE HIM!’ and then later the cat/rat fight is reduced to a ‘Ron’s lost Scabbers’ instead of it being a clear case of ‘the rat is dead, most liekyl because of her cat.’

Again we see Ron being shown as inferior (dumb ron unable to keep up with pets), while Hermione is built up ad able to talk down to Ron. (Ronald has lost him again!) (Also, anyone else HATE that they did this with the Ronald bit with Hermione and Ron?) Even Hagrid condescends to Ron when he finds the rat (and Hagrid is shown as quite clueless, but apparently not as clueless as Ron now….)

——-

There’s a moment added to the films where Harry goes to return the crystal ball to Trelawney and asks if Ron wants to come with him— Ron, a bit rudely, says no. This was used as a way to get Harry alone with Trelawney for the professor to give her prophecy- but why did they have to do it at the expense of Ron?

—————

THE SHRIEKING SHACK

Ron on multiple occassions in the book goes out of his way to attempt to save Harry. ALL of these are cut.

Ron literally put himself between Harry and danger. Instead in the films he’s stupidly sitting beside the whomping willow,

 then he’s  just screaming, terrified, as he’s dragged away.https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lhi1bOuIj0E

Then Ron, with a severely broken leg, stands on it to confront a murderer while Hermione scaredly whispering.

Instead they give this line to HERMIONE, while Ron incoherently whimpers on the ground like a coward. 

They knew Hermione had a TON of ‘moments’ in this film already- why did they need to give one of Ron’s ONLY moments to her???????? She had just punched Malfoy (instead of slapped him), literally had the strength of a grown weight lifter to lift Harry by the shirt into the air as they fought the whomping willow and will go on to the have the time adventure… yet, here we are- She has this line as well.

Ron is robbed of every ounce of dignity and gumption and self-actualization he HAS.

————————

Then at the end of the time adventure they have Harry and Hermione laughing at Ron as he, again, incoherently babbles and makes this face.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OavYqCjM45k

Oh ahahah! It’s DUMB OLD RON! XD

Everything valuable he brings to his friendship with Harry and Hermione is cut- and replaced with this garbage.

—————————————————————————————————-

GOBLET OF FIRE

Again all nuance for Ron’s character is lost- and he’s demonized while Harry and Hermione are lifted up. They also, throughout the movies, have done a pretty crap job of showing Ron’s place in the wizarding world when it comes to wealth and when it comes to how he’s treated and what he goes through. His lack of money is treated as a joke with his robes, and in general is not taken seriously beyond a a few Lucius is a bad guy scenes and the first movie.

HARRY AND RON’S FIGHT

In the books Ron and Harry’s fight leaves Harry devastated- and Ron’s behavior doesn’t come out of nowhere either. They establish that Harry and He had an agreement to go into the tourney  together if they could- but it looks like Harry did it without him. [the post by @owlpostagain does a brilliant analysis of it]

Ron does not come into their fight angry- in fact he’s trying (And failing) to be positive for Harry.

Ron brings NO ANGER to this exchange. HARRY DOES, though:

In the books Harry isn’t reasonable when he tries to explain this to Ron- he’s angry and insults Ron. Of course in the films, they make Harry ever so reasonable and Ron just a moody whiny asshole who is purely angry and spiteful in this exchange.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=an7WWOY94Qs

The utter misery Harry experiences while he and Ron are on the outs is cut (I mean, at this point, why would he be miserable? Ron is a pretty awful friend in the films.) Best explored in a post I can’t find now- just go and reread how miserable Harry is. (eta: FOUND THE POST!!! Thanks @vivithefolle​!)

[This post] by @purpleklimt​  PERFECTLY sums up all the part in GOF where Harry is desperately missing Ron

He then goes on to attack Ron a SECOND time in the books

They leave out Harry’s part in this fight- and make it solely Ron’s fault in the films.

When they make up in the books Harry is SO relieved he won’t even let Ron apologize. He starts off cold- but immediately turns it around with relief.

But in the movie he’s angry and condescending to Ron (after having a SUPER out of character ‘everyone look at me, who wants me to open the egg!!!’ scene) and continues acting so AFTER they’ve ‘made up’? It’s not a happy reunion. And Ron is acting… really stupid :P For no reason

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9s_dukNgLPg

————-

TRAINING

Ron goes on to help Harry train for the next task in the books, letting him practice hexes on him. Ron does nothing at all to help Harry in the films. Literally nothing.

———

YULE BRAWL

Again Ron is shown as angry- but they have to up the ante don’t they- where he literally makes Hermione have a breakdown in tears saying he’s ‘ruined everything’- when she had a great time at the ball in the books :P

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bynhxDUqqgU

Where as in the books they are having a fight of equals:

————-

They also add in a lot of scenes where Hermione is like, a rock for Harry emotionally (which she has never been in the books at all. The closest was in book 7 at the graveyard at xmas.)

————————————————————————————

ORDER OF THE PHOENIX

This is the ONLY movie after the 1st one to show Ron’s true friendship for Harry.

It’s not a coincidence that it’s the only film NOT written by Kloves. Here he is defending Harry.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ktfsgXyRbuc

Ron is a bit of a non-entity in this movie in general, but he’s a good supportive friend, and even has his cleverness pointed out

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x_p6j28GC3A

I guess they had to when they cut out him being prefect :P

They do a minor bit of Hermione getting Ron’s lines when Harry meets up with them at Grimauld place:

Ron: We told Dumbledore we wanted to tell you what was going on. We did, mate. But he’s really busy now, we’ve only seen him twice since we came here and he didn’t have much time, he just made us swear not to tell you important stuff when we wrote, he said the owls might be intercepted.

Movie:

Harry: You couldn’t have put this in a letter, I suppose. I’ve gone all summer without a scrap of news.Ron: We wanted to tell you, mate. Really, we did. Only –Hermione: Only Dumbledore made us swear that we wouldn’t tell you anything.

But it’s not the worst infraction. It does cut into Ron and Harry’s bond though in order to bolster Harry and Hermione’s. :P

————————————————————-

HALF-BLOOD PRINCE

Steve Kloves is back- and he seems determined to undermine Harry and Ron’s friendship, bolster Harry and Hermione’s, and generally cut out anything but buffoonery from Ron’s stories.

He has Ron kissing Lavender for seemingly no reason, has Ron looking like a moron as he does quidditch (The helmet… ) and just in general doesn’t give Ron any dignity.

When Ron is poisoned- a VERY SERIOUS incident- Ron immediately goes from dying to sitting up to make a joke.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nK3K8XmZX3Q

The MOST EGREGIOUS one, though, is THE ENDING OF THE MOVIE

First let’s look at what we find in the books

They are a TRIO- Ron and Hermione are equally supporting him- but as usual Ron has the most lines of verbal support in the book- because that’s his role as Harry’s BEST FRIEND.

In the film… I mean… LOOK AT IT! 

Ron is COMPLETELY SILENT. And seated about 20 feet away from them as the ‘grownups’ talk and Hermione pledges her ever loving support to Harry, while Ron, again, IS SILENT! FOR THREE MINUTES!

WTF

I JUST…. WHAT?! WHAT?! WHAT?! WHAT?!!!?!?

—————————————————————————-

DEATHLY HALLOWS

Ron is actually portrayed ok at times here- They are ALL OVER the place with Ron’s characterization though, and do LITTLE to show the sacrifices he’s making leading up to their journey (and don’t support that narrative much later either.)

At times a bumblerhttps://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hiTgShhO-JM

But is finally allowed to hold his own when things get serious- but shows a weird sort of serial killer-esque darkness as he confronts the frozen deatheater.https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sk5I27gTOj0

Again they make him an idiot at the ministryhttps://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KxgGMs3tezw

But Ron’s injury for once is treated seriously. :) (no sitting up to make a joke!)https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lvpgvg_0neQ

The locket scene they do NOT honor Ron’s character, and have him become incredibly cruel compared to how he was in the bookhttps://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zZi_9E3ULwI

Again they do what they’ve done with ALL the fights based around Ron  (note how they CUT all of Harry&Hermione’s fall-outs?) they make Ron completely randomly unreasonable- and bolster Harry’s perspective as just misunderstood and not at all out of control angry

Don’t get me wrong, Ron was horrid when he was essentially possessed by the locket- but he NEVER went to the low blows Ron of the films did.

They go on in the film to show that without Ron, Harry and Hermione are fine. They are dancing and having a good time without him. And why wouldn’t they? He’s never been the rock of support and common sense he was in the books.

In the books they are hopeless without Ron. Miserable without him. that’s why when he’s back it’s a BIG deal                      _________________________________________________

♪REUNITED AND IT FEELS SO GOOD♪  meh

When reunited, Harry and Ron don’t have a particularly close bond- They destroy theh horcrux- and Ron’s emotional reaction of sobbing after his worst fears are out is cut- because of course all Ron-humanity is cut- and then his bond with Harry where they embrace and Harry comforts him is also cut- because only Harry & Hermione are actually close in these movies….

Movie version:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D1XUfFnmflU

The clip cuts off but after

All that, and all they say is:

‘Just think, there are only three to go.’

Oh ok! No Ron explaining things, no Harry and Ron bonding- Ron’s not a good friend anyways, right?

Augh.

Where Ron comes in saving the day and bringing them tons of knowledge (the taboo, snatchers, potter watch) film Ron comes back bringing nothing (because Ron in the films NEVER is smart or bringing anything to the table. The TWO TIMES in the WHOLE FILM SERIES he does, it’s commented on like ‘wtf?!’ from Hermione….), and his presence doesn’t seem to particularly change anything for Harry and Hermione either. They were fine without him and Hermione is laughing and smiling LESS with Ron around, so is Harry.

Anyways! Then there is Hermione’s torture. Ron in the books is going mad with grief for her- He on MULTIPLE OCCASSIONS defends her and even says for them to take him instead. in the movies he reacts with a worried look and silence, then when he’s down in the basement seems less worried about Hermione than he was about anything in all those other movies he was freaking out in:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=twHLFlqZ8T8

Look at how sedate he is. Jesus.

In the books he’s shouting her name and desperate for her.

But in the movies… BLECH

At least they still let him save her. (I’m surprised they let that stay.)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R2zNRrOXbPY

————————————————-

I only saw Deathly Hallows part 2 when it first came out- and haven’t seen it since because i really didn’t like it. The final fight sequence sucks so hard :P

But anyways- what I remember- Ron essentially does nothing and contributes nothing until he gets him and Hermione into the chamber of secrets and they randomly kiss.

ROOM OF REQUIREMENT

He is portrayed as plain old SILLY in the Room of Requirement:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mZiGbypAnFU

————————————————-

MY FRIEND IS ABOUT TO GO DIE.

He gives a lame ‘what? Are you mad’ then as Harry goes off to die, Hermione gives Harry a big old hug- (neither character would let Harry do this- but Ron just STANDING there??? THE FUCK?) and Ron just stand there silently. Again, why is kloves so afraid of having these boys touch? Show affection????? (honestly I think all the times Ron shows anything like friendship in the films it’s usually silent moments that are improvised by Rupert.)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rg1LLVWZyg8

Like you’re telling me THIS BOY

Is gonna just stand there while Harry goes to die???

——————————

And then hermione almost seems embarrassed to be interested in him

——————————

19 YEARS LATER

Then in the final scene of the book, where Ron had tons of lines (the most besides Harry and Albus) he’s just this potbellied silent dude.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pEKA6rmVfW8

Like…. I can’t.

I HATE what the movies did to Ron. (don’t get me STARTED on Ginny.)

At every place they could they silenced him, took away his moments, made him a buffoon, made him a coward, made him a rotten friend, removed all his best traits- and left him to be mostly… THIS

He’s a selfish cowardly lump who is just around to keep the AUDIENCE entertained. Honestly you could cut Ron from the movie series and almost nothing would have to be changed- that’s how little they let him inform the narrative.

[weuschoiceheart]

Stan OnlyOneOf ya cowards (Long Post - Dance & Song Analysis)

Woah....wow....just WOW

I just watched the 1theK dance mirrored video for OnlyOneOf’s “Savanna” (the one for the dance cover contest, and can I just say, W O W.

I remembered watching this last year (It was the very first video of OnlyOneOf I watched) and I was like, yeah, this song sounds pretty good. But now, after rewatching it, I’m amazed at the amount of imagery they put into the dance. By no means am I a pro dancer or something, but I’ve been dancing to Kpop for a few years now, so I got used to pretty much how the dances are like. Nowadays, most boy group dances are pretty hip-hop / popping / maybe some contemporary dance mixed in for some of the slower parts in songs, so I pretty much know what to expect. There would be some crazy choreo, fast paced tempo you need to follow, etc., etc. Yeah, 4th gen is starting to become some sort of dance competition.

But...THIS. THIS GODDAMN CHOREO SHOOKED ME. I already love how different OnlyOneOf’s songs are from the generic mainstream songs, instead of going for some hardcore rap or edm songs, they always go for mellow tunes and beautiful melodies mixed with entrancing vocals (YES YES YES VOCALS, THERE ARE ACTUALLY V O C A L S IN THEIR SONGS, NOT SOME SORT OF WEIRD NOISE INSTRUMENTAL. I CAN GO ON A WHOLE RANT ABOUT THEIR VOCALS). Anyways, I might make a whole other post for their songs, but right now, let’s focus on their choreography, specifically this one.

It’s strange, in a way. I got into OnlyOneOf because of the dance for “_Sage.” I saw it in a random play dance video, and it was my first time seeing OnlyOneOf in one of these videos, actually. I remembered seeing the dance and got shocked when they yeeted to the ground during Mill’s part in the chorus. Idk the name for the move, but it caught me offguard on how smoothly they did it. After the random play dance ended, I immediately went to watch their dance practice for “_Sage” and decided to learn the move, bc, you know, it looks cool (and I want my awkward self to show a different, cooler side of me on stage). I only wanted to just learn the chorus, but I ended up learning the whole choreo. And it literally started with “i just wanna learn their names so I can tell them apart during the dance” to finally “Ok, I’m gonna stan.”

“_Sage” has a pretty intense choreo, compared to their other songs, but I feel like, with OnlyOneOf’s choreos, you need to properly EXPRESS the song’s meaning. Ofc, it’s always important to convey the meaning of a song, since dance IS a form of art and expression (as a very smart Hwanwoong said, it’s not just about the performance, it’s whether you can convey the emotions well or not). 

With OnlyOneOf though, each of their song has a special meaning, all linked to a storyline (I’m probably gonna go on a whole other rant when I piece together the theories), and their songs are so different as well, they don’t talk about the topics that most groups today usually explore with their discography, instead going to a different route and just listening to their songs and watching them dance makes me feel like I’m in a different dimension.They’re just...UNIQUE. I don’t know any other way to say it. Y’all are probably like “how about Group X, they always talk about blah, blah, blah” and I am NOT dragging down other groups, but smth abt OnlyOneOf really stands out to me. I listened to their song “dOra Maar” this morning and got emotional after finding out the meaning behind the song. Even though I finished learning “_Sage” yesterday, I still feel like I need to practice more to make sure the emotions and meaning of the song is properly conveyed through the dance, bc the meaning behind “_Sage” is just so complex. And now, let’s actually go into the semi-analysis I did for “Savanna” so you guys will understand what I’m talking about.

THE ACTUAL ANALYSIS

Imagery is used by many groups today to give choreography a deeper meaning, or in some cases, like a signature move (SKZ “God’s Menu” uses many cooking references, for example). With “Savanna,” I was amazed by the amount of imagery they use. As I mentioned before, groups these days are more into difficult hiphop dances, so I feel like imagery is being used less and less and choreos are just a bunch of difficult moves strung together to look powerful and difficult and...yeah, 4th gen is really turning into a dance competition. Anyways, i DIGRESS ONCE AGAIN (I can complain for hours about 4th gen music and dancing but let’s save that for some other time).

I will say this again: I am NOT a professional dancer, I only had a few years of ballet + Kpop, and is self-learning popping and hiphop right now. This is only based on what I observe and how I interpret the dance.

Ok, let’s start at the beginning of the choreo. All the members form a ring around one member (KB) and waved their arms to enclose a circle, trapping him, before moving apart. Next, the members seemed to form a path for KB to walk on, with Yoojung and Junji at the end, arms forming a line that KB ducked under and passed through. Right off the bat, we have a beautiful imagery. I think it portrays time travel (since the song seems to hint towards that subject). The four members forming the path that KB walks on, are frozen like statues, like time just froze. KB is the person that wants to break out (he was trapped within a circle in the beginning) and seems to find a loophole through time that he manages to walk through.

Now, onto my favorite imagery for the choreo that really surprised me. At 0:33 in the video, When they formed lines by Nine’s side and opened their arms in sync, creating almost like an illusion. It might be to match the lyrics about “dry, chapped lips,” but that part mesmerized me, and drew me in to continue watching.

The next key point of imagery, is at 0:47, when they formed a line and stood in alternating positions, moving their arms in an alternating pattern as well. It really matches with the lyrics “among the intertwined people, I hide myself again” and creates another illusion that’s JUST. SO. CAPTIVATING. I might be a tad bit overdramatic abt this, but really, I LOVE LOVE LOVE how they put so much imagery and meaning into the choreo.

Another piece of imagery is Love’s and Nine’s solo portion after the chorus, when they mirrored each other with their bodies and made a drinking motion with their hands. Might seem small, but it emphasizes the lyrics “Watchin’ all your silhouette / Drink one more time, Sweepin’ huh.” The lyrics might not make sense, but this part is just so mysterious and mesmerizing.

They did another beautiful imagery for the start of the second prechorus for the same lyrics (”Among the intertwined people, I hide myself again”), but this time, forming a V formation around Nine. They also formed the same ring around Junji when he sang, “I feel like I’m locked in” but with some floorwork this time. I love how they tried variations of the moves, so the image is still there but switched up to keep it engaging.

These are the key details of the dance I’m going to write about here, there are many other parts and some imagery I probably missed, but if I’m going to actually analyze every single move along with the song lyrics, you guys are probably gonna get bored XD. So to wrap this up, I think the important factor about the dance that really draws me in is that, unlike choreos nowadays, the dance is composed of smooth movements and transitions, like contemporary but keeping that Kpop feel, ya know? The song itself is already mellow and vocal-centered, so ofc the dance has to match it, but I wasn’t ready for the imagery (i dare you to count the amount of times I used this word lol) they used. Watching this is like a breath of fresh air, listening to this song is so refreshing. I strongly recommend you guys check it out!

This is the longest post I ever wrote lmao, and if you read all the way to the end, congrats! Anyways, I might learn this after I polish up “_Sage.” Hmm....should I also do vocal covers for the songs too? I was actually thinking of remixing “Savanna” into a diss track because of the misheard lyrics (”i don’t give a shit what they think abt us / you’re like a bitch from Savanna”). Who knows?

Thank you for taking your time to read this!

[pan0ramy]

putting others first - an analysis/some theories for the future

so, i have a LOT to say on “putting others first”. it was a big video, with a lot of big plot points and information pieces. hell, i’m planning on making two theory/discussion posts, with this being the first one.

if you haven’t seen the new sanders sides video yet, DON’T READ THIS POST.  there WILL be spoilers. i’m tagging it as such, but just in case.

all good?

alright. let’s talk about what happened here. buckle up, because knowing me, this will be a little long.

there’s honestly so much here that i’m having a hard time figuring out where to start. however, i do want to bring up a previous post of mine. a year or so ago, i sat down and rewatched all the sides videos, taking notes whilst doing so - after watching “selfishness vs selflessness”, i made a post talking about what i feel went wrong in that episode. to sum up what i said:

deceit’s secondary purpose is self preservation, not just lying

patton is pushing thomas to be selfless to a point where it will eventually start to harm him

roman is having a hard time picking who to side with, since he seems to just side with whoever he finds coolest at that point in time

virgil doesn’t realise that deceit is trying just as hard to help thomas, and doesn’t want to admit that he is helping due to his past as a dark side

logan was able to see through all the chaos and definitively say thomas should go to the callback, not the wedding

of those five points, two or three are now true. considering i made that post almost a year ago, i don’t think that’s too shabby! it’s mainly points 1, 2 and 4 that are of relevance here - point 3 is partially wrong/not really of any use to us right now, and point 4 is relevant, but not exclusively to virgil any more. more on that in a bit.

to talk about the actual episode itself, let’s start with patton.

alright, let me just say one thing real quick: i am so, SO proud of patton. in my original SvS post, i said that patton was the main contributor to all the chaos and problems going on here - he wants thomas to be selfless, because he thinks being selfless is how you be a good person. in “putting others first”, we see that patton has a very black-and-white thought process when it comes to morality - you’re either a good person, or you’re not. sure, he was trying to say this in a nice way to thomas so that he didn’t hurt his feelings, but that’s still what he was trying to say. he places a lot of value on empathy and consideration of the needs and wants of others - which, as we saw (and as i correctly predicted), is driving thomas’ mental health into the ground.

it’s not sustainable, and patton learned that here.

for patton to step up to the plate and admit that he did wrong, and to apologise to thomas like that? THAT is some amazing character development. patton just wants to help - like deceit said, it’s not like he’s hurting or misleading thomas intentionally. he just... gets a bit carried away sometimes. so for him to fully realise that and move forward knowing that he can’t have all the answers is HUGE. like i said, i’m so proud of him for that.

next, i feel like we should address the elephant in the room - or, rather, the morality-fighting snake on the metaphorical plane - janus.

first of all, HOLY MOTHER OF NAME REVEAL. that was amazing, and very brave of janus to actually do so - you could argue he was very much backed into a corner, unfortunately, but he still did it, and that’s a huge deal.

second, i am SO glad that he was finally listened to and acknowledged in this episode, and i’m sure a lot of others are as well. he finally got the other sides to listen to what he’s been saying since SvS - thomas needs some self-care to balance out the selflessness, and that’s not a selfish thing to pursue at all. he didn’t want thomas to go to the callback because he thought thomas should be selfish - he wanted thomas to go to the callback because he thought that that’s what was best for him. he just wants to help, like any of the other sides do. that’s why they’re there in the first place.

janus is also the side who really helps patton realise what he’s done wrong here. he helps patton realise that no matter how nicely he tries to say it to thomas, the opinions he’s expressed for the entirety of this episode can be quite toxic and overbearing at times. too much selflessness is just as bad as too much selfishness. a massive theme of this episode was thresholds and limits - none of us really know where the lines are when it comes to being selfish or selfless. we just have to figure it out as we go along. nobody has all the answers.

fucking fantastic, you funky little danger noodle. you did great. :)

however, i do still have some negatives to talk about here - and if you’ve seen the episode, i’m pretty sure you know where i’m going with this.

let’s talk about roman.

this was... a complicated episode for him, to put it lightly. we really got to see some of his intrinsic character flaws here, in my opinion.

from the beginning of the episode, he was trying to help thomas, just like patton. arguably, he was the middleman in a lot of the arguments in this episode, and was willing to challenge patton’s points and make his own points all in the interest of looking after thomas. that was much needed in a scenario where patton had so much control over the situation, and it allowed them to have the discussion in the first place. i have a lot of respect for roman for doing that.

but, as you probably know by now if you’re reading this, things didn’t go very well between roman and janus. just like how patton has a very clear-cut definition of good people and bad people, roman has a very concrete idea of who the good guys and bad guys are in this situation. he’s never able to realise that janus is trying to help thomas, just like he and patton are, and roman never sees janus as anything more than an evil figure and a nuisance in general.

...which, as we’ve seen before, is also how virgil feels.

arguably, by the end of “putting others first”, roman is in the position that patton was in when everything started - he’s now the main problematic figure here, and he’s blind to the problems he’s causing. now, arguably, this is very understandable given his feelings on remus - it’s something that you could’ve easily predicted for roman. but it’s still a shock nonetheless, given how much development patton had in this episode.

and that’s why i think we’re not quite done with roman & his development as a side just yet.

the three main people i criticised in SvS were patton, roman and virgil. patton has now realised what he’s done wrong, and understands what needs to change. virgil wasn’t in this episode, but we now know roman and virgil seem to share a very similar stance on deceit and the dark sides in general.

personally, i think we’ll really start do delve into that stance going forward. if roman and virgil keep acting so hostile to the other dark sides, then they’re only going to make things worse. for thomas’s sake, they really need to take a step back and think outside the box here. that’s not going to be easy for them to do, considering virgil’s past and roman’s brother. but it’s still something that needs to be done.

i do think it’ll be done thanks to the introduction of the final dark side, but... that’s a post i’m planning on doing separately. i have some theories as to who that might be, and they’re not necessarily the same as they were a year ago. ;)

but for now, i really can’t wait to see what happens going forward. i really want roman and virgil to get the same development patton had here, no matter how long it takes - however, by no means do thomas, joan, talyn, adri, quil and everyone who’s involved in these videos need to stick to this path at all. they could go somewhere completely different, and i’d argue that’d be even more interesting that whan i’ve proposed here! but hey, that’s what theories are for, right?

regardless of where it all goes, i’ll still be here taking notes and theorising over it all. and if it ends up getting even crazier than it did here... i cannot wait to see what happens. :)

[whoever-iwant-tobe]

It wasn’t meant to be a long game (part 13)

David x Natalie: fiction. Attempt #2 at this chapter since one was lost to a chrome crash (I don’t want to talk about it)

No warnings for this chapter, just some miscommunications and light fluff

_________________________________________

You fought last night. It was yet another halloween week party. You were having a blast and drank a lot more than you realized. You didn’t notice at first, but David was almost nowhere in sight for most of the night at most of the parties you hit up. You were throwing back drinks with Zane and everyone and you just didn’t notice. What you did remember was snapping at him at the last stop of the night, something about letting you dance with Zane and you just remember feeling justified about it. Like he was being ridiculous and you were the rational one. He raised his voice for just a moment, then stormed off. When he came back, he acted like he was trying to have fun, but he had a drink in his hand like he needed it. David didn’t drink often, and even this night, he didn’t drink much.

When you got home, you stumbled onto the couch and you figure David helped you change or you figured it out yourself, because when you woke up, you were in his shorts and a hoodie and curled up on the side of his bed. But David was nowhere to be found. To be fair, you didn’t wake up on this particular day until well after noon, but it was still unusual for you to be asleep so much later than even David. You had a pit in your stomach though-- the pit that you get when you're pretty sure you did or said something you should regret, but can’t pinpoint what. 

When you did get out of bed, you took the advil Dave had left on the desk for you, grabbed some orange juice, and started responding to emails. You figured he’d be home soon, but he didn’t come. Not for a while.

When he walked in the door around 9, he was with Carly and Zane and Jason. He greeted you like he would any other time his friends were around.

“Hey Nat,” he called.

“Hey. You get footage?” you asked. Act normal. 

“Yeah, should be decent. We’re going to another Halloween party tonight. You wanna come?” he asked. That was a good sign, maybe everything is fine. He’s inviting you to go.

“I would, but I have a killer headache still. I don’t know if I can even stomach being around liquor right now” you answer, regretfully flopping your head back on the couch.

“That’s cool. Well we’re getting food and then will probably go.”

“Sounds good-- I can order it if everyone tells me what they want.” you offer.

“No it’s cool, I got it. I ordered your favorite too.” he said with a small smile. Another good sign. Maybe things weren’t as bad as you remembered.

You all ate, crowded on the big couch watching a playlist of David’s videos. He’d been rewatching them to get re-inspired. It was fun for you because you never watched his old stuff.

He gripped your shoulder before they all left, a subtle goodbye, and you were on your own again.

You kept working-- catching up from your late start in the day and then getting ahead for the next. You were supposed to fly to New York for David to do a bunch of press and you didn’t want to get behind with all the travel. 

Even though you woke up so late, something about a hangover sucks the life out of you. You wanted to wait up for David to come home. You wanted to talk and have that reassurance that everything was fine between you two, but you got to the point where you couldn’t keep your eyes open. You tried and tried, but resolved to go take a nap. You didn’t want to sleep in your own room in case David just went to bed when he got home, but you didn’t want to be in his bed either in case others came in with him, so you dragged your laptop to the love sac in his bedroom. Then if you fell asleep and didn’t wake up on time, he wouldn’t be able to avoid you. You worked for a bit longer before you passed out, laptop open on your lap. 

You woke up to the group chat dinging like mad. It was muted on your phone, but not on your computer. Something about Scott and Todd’s tour--they were probably drunk. You closed your laptop and grabbed your phone to check the time, then got on instagram just to check in one what everyone was up to. David looked bored at the party and so did Carly and Zane based on their stories. You were about to go back to sleep, when you accidentally opened your explore tab and saw a wall of this dark purple-toned picture. It was hard to make out, but everyone was tagging it as David and Liza. And it was from tonight. Like, now. 

Your heart literally sank. You loved David. You trusted David. But you hated this. You waited for a text to come through from him. Like ‘Hey, bumped into Liza at this party. Just wanted to let you know’ or something, but nothing came through. It was all over your mentions now, The people who were still holding on to Diza were thrilled. The people who wanted you and David to be together were panicking, and you were just sad. You put your phone down, grabbed a pillow to cling on to, and let yourself get swallowed up by the lovesac as you drifted back to sleep under a weighted blanket. You just needed to get your mind off of everything.

You didn’t hear David come home. You also didn’t hear him check the living room for you, then your own room for you. You woke to your phone ringing in your lap and David switching on his bedroom lights, phone in hand.

“Shit. There you are!” he exclaimed, pressing a button on his phone, causing yours to stop ringing. “I didn’t know where you went!”

You pulled the blanket higher over your body and slung an arm to shade you from the bright light now filling the room. “Sorry, I must have fallen asleep... I’ll go to my room.” You moved to get up, flustered now. Frustrated about what you saw online and still stressed about what happened in the argument you barely remembered from the night before. 

“What? No. Stay here.”

“No, it’s fine. I’m just gonna go..” he blocked your path to the door.

“Nat, what is going on?” he questioned.

“What do you mean?” blocked again, heavy blanket wrapped around you.

“Why are you going to your room? Do you want me to come with? I’ve barely seen you all day.”

“No, you’re upset with me and I get it.. I’m just gonna..” you tried to walk around him, but he moved with you. 

“Natalie, stop.” he placed both hands on your shoulders. He looked you in the eyes. Whatever he saw must have made him sense your stress level, because he pulled you to his chest in a bear hug.

You let out a sigh of relief/release/something and rested your head on his chest.

“Will you tell me what’s going on at least?” He asked you, speaking into the space above your head.

You stayed silent for a moment.

“Come on, Nat.” he waited.

“It’s probably better... after last night... then Liza...”

“Wait what??” he stepped back out of your arms to look you in the face again. “Nat, we bumped into Liza at a party, we talked for a few minutes, then we filmed a quick bit when we drove past her walking to her car. It was literally a coincidence.”

“Yeah but last night, we argued.. I don’t even remember..”

“It’s fine! People argue. People who love each other argue. It was not even a big deal. I swear.”

You pondered over his words for a moment, head still hung. “You sure??” you asked.

“Yes. Babe. Come to bed. I’m tired and I didn’t get great sleep last night and honestly I just wanna cuddle. We can talk more tomorrow if you want, but please come to bed.”

You walked into his arms and his hands found yours. You held them and leaned up to kiss him. “Okay.” and then you crawled into bed and waited while he brushed his teeth, stripped down to his boxers and a t shirt, and joined you in bed.

He snuggled you into him and you peppered tiny kisses from his chest to his neck until he pulled you closer, dragging one leg across his legs and pulling you so you were laying on his chest. He kissed your hair and breathed you in while you released a contented sigh. “I do love you, Dave” you told him.

“I love you too”

__________________

Cross posted on AO3 as usual

[myhumaninteractionsafterall]

A passing thought that needs to be fleshed out follows:

I was watching a video on the philosophy of Bo Burnham. It was interesting, but then Youtube suggested this video which becomes pertinent starting at 15:45

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YRfIoqkkIsM&t=15m45s

The author posits that the Chipotle part of “Can’t Handle This (Kanye Rant)” from Make Happy is all metaphor.

Lay aside the Kanye connections for now. Can everything in the joke half of the song be read as metaphor? A few clues can be found in the song itself, the title of the special, and the song that follows it “Are You Happy?”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mCp3n95qSZg

Here are my notes because I will probably not get around to rewatching the whole special and fleshing this out. Maybe you can help me decode it.

Running commentary amidst the transcribed lyrics.

Can I say my shit? New York! Can I say my shit? I've got lots of shit to say I've got lots of shit to say

Can he voice his inner turmoil: his shit. Shit is an important word here to be linked later. 

I can't fit my hand inside a Pringle can I have a huge amount of trouble Fitting my hand inside of a Pringle can I can get my hand like four inches into the can But then I have to tilt the can into my mouth But by that point a bunch of crumbs have accumulated at the bottom of the can So they all go spilling onto my face

Pringles can is a metaphor for happiness? He can approach happiness, but when he tries to reach for what he wants, he cannot achieve it and only gets crumbs of it.

What I'm trying to say is that the diameter Of Pringle cans is way too small I'll say it again The diameter of Pringle cans is way too small Two radiuses of a Pringle can is way too small If you feel me, put your hands up Come on! If you feel me, put your hands up Look at all these hands that are way too big to fit inside a Pringle can Your hands are too big to fit inside a Pringle can Your hands are too big to fit inside a Pringle can You think you can, I know you can You think you can- Pringles! Listen to the people, I am sure ninety percent of the complaint letters you get Are about the width of your cans Just make 'em wider I've overdone the Pringles thing Sorry

No one in the audience is able to achieve happiness. The hands are too big. Everyone is too old. Happiness has an achieve by date or happiness is too difficult to ever grasp.

I want to have a daughter I want to have a daughter So I can finally have someone around the house who can fit their hands Into Pringle cans Yes, I'm still on the Pringle cans thing! Yeah! I'll move on, alright? But that is priority numero uno

He either wants to return to when he thought happiness was attainable and was happy along the path to a perceived goal happiness at the bottom of a can/end of the tunnel, or it is a vicarious longing for happiness that comes from the naïveté of youth.

I don't go to the gym Because I'm selfconscious about my body But I'm selfconscious about my body because I don't go to the gym Irony can be so painful That's a Catch-22 Let's do this!

Similar look at happiness, probably illuminated by material preceding this. Also a back and forth play reminiscent of the title. Make Happy has a lack of pronoun. Is he making the audience happy or himself happy, and is one predicated on the other?

I went to Chipotle I went to Chipotle Got myself a chicken burrito I went down the line, I got like all these ingredients And then at the end of the line The guy tried to wrap the burrito But half of the shit inside the burrito spilled out And he still wrapped it I was like, dude, you should have warned me! You're a burrito expert You should have told me halfway through! "Hey, man. You might be reaching maximum burrito capacity here." Do you think I want a messy burrito? No one wants a messy burrito The whole appeal of the burrito is that all of the ingredients are contained Within the confines of the tortilla I wouldn't have gotten half the shit if I knew it wasn't gonna fit in the burrito! Alright? Look!

Chipotle is a location for mass production of a facsimile, non-authentic product. This hearkens back to his previous specials’ content about mass produced celebrities. In his own mass production, he got too much in his burrito and it would not fit. Too much made him unhappy. Trying to be too much made him unhappy? The burrito experts did not warn him. Celebrity looked appealing. He would not have gotten half the shit. Tying shit back to the shit or turmoil he is speaking about from the beginning. The whole appeal of the happiness of celebrity burrito is that you are self contained/self fulfilled? Make [self] happy. But again who is the pronoun in Make Happy? And who makes whom happy? [self] Make [self] happy is not working and will be explored later in the song.

I wouldn'ta got the lettuce if I knew it wouldn't fit Wouldn'ta got the cheese if I knew it wouldn't fit Wouldn'ta  got the peppers if I knew they wouldn't fit I wouldn'ta got half of it I'm okay with small mistakes If you've got no more chicken, I'll take pork But I'll blow my dad before I eat a burrito with a fork Wouldn'ta got the lettuce if I knew it wouldn't Wouldn'ta got the cheese if I knew it wouldn't Wouldn'ta got the peppers if I knew they wouldn't I wouldn'ta got half of it like Half of it like Half of it like Half of it right now I think it's time I think it's time that we break it down

Lettuce, cheese, and peppers are stand-ins for something known personally, maybe alluded to in the earlier parts of the special. One thing of note is the choice of peppers forcing the pronoun from it to they. Also if you are familiar with Chipotle, he is going through the line backwards. Lettuce comes last, then cheese and salsa, then peppers, meat, and beans or rice. The first choice you make is to have a burrito or bowl. The stand out part of this is blowing his dad before eating a burrito with a fork. In the next song “Are You Happy” he says “Panic every time I'm unhappy like/ I'm owed some life/ Where I'm always, like, happy/ Which is stupid 'cause I wouldn't even want it if I got it/ Wait, oh god, my dad was right” and this sheds light on why he brings up his dad here. His dad has said some phrase to the above effect, which he is just now realizing, and he won’t eat the overstuffed burrito with a fork, nor will he accept an overstuffed, facsimile of happiness/ of life. The phrase coming up later “I don’t think that I can handle this.” will hearken back to this where he has created a burrito that he cannot hold. It also reminds us that his hands are too big for Pringle cans. Too big for one thing, the other thing too messy to hold. He cannot handle this burrito to enjoy this life, he must eat it with a fork, a facsimile of a happy life that goes against his dad’s advice. Dad’s advice needs fleshing out perhaps by previous material or further inspection.

I can sit here and pretend Like my biggest problems are Pringle cans And burritos The truth is, my biggest problem's you I want to please you But I want to stay true to myself I want to give you the night out that you deserve But I want to say what I think And not care what you think about it Part of me loves you Part of me hates you Part of me needs you Part of me fears you And I don't think that I can handle this right now Handle this right now I don't think that I can handle this right now

See above. Further exploration of catch-22 and the title Make [pronoun] Happy.

I don't think that I can handle this right- [x3]

He stops saying “right now” and starts saying “right,” meaning correctly.

Look at them, they're just staring at me Like come and watch the skinny kid With a steadily declining mental health And laugh as he attempts to give you what he cannot give himself

Some pronouns are suggested for the title.

Think that I can handle this right- I don't think that I can handle this right- But they don't even know the half of this right- But they don't even know the half of it But I know I'm not a doctor I'm a pussy I put on a silly show I should probably just shut up and do my job So here I go

“Half” here ties back to the burrito where he would not have gotten half of the shit if he had been warned. He cannot handle his life overfilled with things that do not produce happiness or false happiness things leading to a facsimile of life. The audience does not understand. They are not hearing his metaphor. They only understand half of it right: the joke half, not the meaning half.

Wouldn'ta got the lettuce if I knew it wouldn't fit Wouldn'ta got the cheese if I knew it wouldn't- Wouldn'ta got the peppers if I knew they wouldn't- Wouldn'ta got half You can tell them anything if You just make it funny Make it rhyme And if they still don't understand you Then you Run it one more time

Admitting that the Chipotle and Pringle can parts and maybe the whole special are all deeply personal admissions of self, wrapped in a funny, rhyming joke. Listen one more time to understand the other half and discern the meaning.

Think that I can handle this right- Ho! Handle this right- Ho! Handle this right- But you don't even know the half of this right now Right now- Ho! Now Handle this right Handle this right Handle this right now

Thank you, good night. I hope you're happy.

Following the pattern set above, he drops a word from his repeated lines and now says he can handle it. He handles it correctly and right now by ending the show, by walking off the stage, and taking a break. As he said earlier in the special, living his life without an audience. The last line is either a sincere hope for the audience, a sarcastic condemnation of what they have done to him, or both.