#so happy they're here I've been longing for the hand warmers in this weather lmao

[skruttet]

snufkin hand warmers + snufmin lounge pants 🌲🌷

[historia-vitae-magistras]

How about dreary?

Nedcan break up fighttttt lmao. This one is also complete.

Amsterdam, 1990.

Jan opened the front door to the dreary day and the nation of Canada standing on his stoop with a shy, hopeful smile.

"I wasn't expecting you!" Jan blurted, taken on the back foot. "You're a surprise!"

"A good one, I hope," Matt smiled. He was dressed warmer than required for the weather, wrapped in his good winter coat, gloves and hat and standing in the drizzle, one hand above his face to keep it dry. Jan stood there, gawking. "Can't I come in?"

"Of course!" Jan said, shaking himself loose of his thoughts and flinging the door open.

Matt stepped inside, peeling off his hat and gloves and moving to give Jan a kiss once inside the privacy of the house.

"What are you doing here?" Jan asked. Matt's lips were fish-cold, and Jan shivered a little before he took his coat.

"I was in Kyiv," Matt said. "And I was feeling a bit more myself, so I called your office, and they said you didn't have anything booked, so I got my connecting flight to Rotterdam."

"Oh," Jan said.

"Is it a bad time?" Matt asked.

"No, no. Just… I've got a flight in a few hours."

"Where too?"

"First leg is DC,"

"Oh?" Matt asked, and they moved toward the living room, Matt's suitcase in the foyer and coat hanging on the rack like a guest. "What's in DC?"

"A layover and a few hours at the Dutch Embassy. They're giving a dinner for the Queen."

"Ah, very official. And then?"

"Another flight."

"Where too?" Matt asked, putting his arms around Jan and smiling. "Where have they sent you off to now?"

"Nowhere," Jan said, kissing his hair. Matt dropped his head on Jan's shoulder. "I took vacation time."

"Did I pre-empt a surprise visit? Matt smiled, kissing him, full of promise. He was still cold, and Jan could only let it happen, full of sadness.

Jan was silent for a moment. "Tokyo, actually."

"Oh," Matt dropped his arms. "Well, that's not great timing on my part; I'm sorry. I must have called before you put it on your schedule."

"It's not scheduled," Jan said. "Personal."

Matthew disengaged. "Again?"

"I haven't been there in months."

"A month," Matt said. "You were there in December, and it's not even February."

"I have something I want to be there for."

"Something?" Matt said.

"A gift. A windmill is going up in Sakura."

"A windmill. Goodness." Matt said. "Does that require you?"

"It's my design, so yes, I supposed it does. I based it on one I had in the 18th century. It's quite a fine design.

Matt huffed. "Lucky Sakura."

"Kiku has been looking forward to it.

"You have to, by the sounds of it."

"I have."

Matt nodded, collapsing onto the sofa. He looked off somehow, something more shadowed about his eyes than usual, his face thinner—probably jet lag.

"Do you want to get some lunch?" Jan asked. "Before I go?"

Matt looked at his hands and swallowed. "Jan, If I asked you to stay, would you?"

"Is there a reason I should?" Jan raised a brow.

"I miss you, love you, and want to spend time with you."

"My flights booked, Matt."

"Right." Matt shut his eyes and exhaled. "Okay. That was bad timing on my part. I'm sorry I dropped in unannounced. I really thought you were free."

"Why don't we get lunch and figure out another time."

"I'm not hungry," Matt said. His jaw tensed, and he looked up at Jan. "When can I expect a visit from you?"

"I'll be over with the tulips, like usual."

"Could you take some time before then? Or could I pop over?"

"Can't it wait until May?"

Matt flexed his hands in his lap. "Does it have to? I miss you."

"I don't think I can take any more time for a few months, but I'll call when I get back."

"Do you miss me when I'm not here?"

"I'm always happy to see you."

"That's not what I asked." Matt returned. "Do you miss me? Because it feels like I haven't seen much of you in a long time."

"I'll be there in May. A whole week."

"How long in Japan?"

'Fourteen days."

"Fourteen days," Matt repeated. "Another fourteen days?"

"December was only 10."

"Only?" Matt spat back and then shut his eyes, exhaling. "Sorry."

"That was for a whole different thing. This is official."

"You just said it was personal!"

"It is! But it's for an event!" Jan said, running his hand over Matt's arm to take his hand. "Come on, let's get some food before I have to go. I'll call you when I get back and I'll see you in May."

"Do you even want to see me in May?"

"I always come in May."

"Do you want to though? You're not beholden to me." Matt stared at his hand, supporting him against the wall rather than at Jan. "We're not married; we're not human. You can do whatever you like."

Jan frowned. "Matt— you didn't even mention you wanted company before dumping yourself on my doorstep. I'm not a mind reader."

Matt squeezed his eyes shut against some sort of pain.

"Matthew, be reasonable. I can't do anything if you don't talk to me."

"You aren't listening anymore when I try. Even when I'm here, you're elsewhere. You had a life before me. You still have a life without me. It's fine. Do whatever or whomever you want."

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"It means there were no honorifics when he talked to you. And you still use the formal case when talking to me in public. Because I'm not imp— it's fine. You should go. I'll talk to you when I'm in a fit state."

"You could just talk to me now!" Jan said. "I'm listening now."

"You're already packed," Matt said. "It's fine. I'll go to my Dad's."

"I'm sorry this time didn't work out," Jan said, scrubbing his face. "But you didn't tell me you wanted to see me until 10 minutes ago."

"I tried in December. You were in Japan." Matt smiled wanly, and Jan wasn't sure he'd ever seen him look so hollow. "I tried. I tried talking to you. But you don't return my calls, and that time you were unreachable and in Japan, and now you're on your way there again."

"Matt. There's only a competition where you go and make one. The world's changed, and times change. You have your place with me sometimes, and I have mine with him sometimes. It's not a competition. Just compartments."

"So you can put me in a little box and take me out when you're bored?" Matt sighed through his nose and rubbed his temples. "Just like that?"

"That's not what I said."

"Isn't it?" Matt shot back. "Isn't that what you're doing exactly? I was place holder while you waited for something better! Fifty years ago, you kissed me on VJ day with almost as much relief as VE Day. You kissed me both times. I didn't expect anything from you. But you made me love you. And now you throw that in my face by telling me nothing changed?"

"It hasn't!" Jan shouted. "I love you!"

"Then why aren't you actually here when you lay next to me?" Matt shouted. "Where the fuck are you when I try to talk to you and get only grunts? Why are we always playing phone tag? When I'm trying to make love, and you're closing your eyes? Where the fuck are you, and who are you thinking about? Because in fifty years, we haven't been monogamous, but you never used to close your eyes!

"I buy you flowers every year. I pay attention to you when we're together. But it's not as if we live together. Our lives are long. And complicated. I have feelings for you, for him, for a lot of people. Same as you. Don't begrudge me my life, Matt, Fuck! Its not my fault you're such a fucking child you can't understand this!"

"Oh, I'm a child now?" Matt stood. "It makes me a child that I don't understand how you can do this with him? Of all people?"

"It does! You are a fucking child if you can't understand that. And a hypocrite. Your parents have done far more to each other than Kiku and I ever did."

"How the fuck does that make this okay?"

"Because there was a single war between Kiku and me. One! A single war in 400 years."

"It was the largest conflict the world's ever seen! Ludwig nearly killed you, and Kiku allied with him and they both tried to bring the world to heel. Tell me, should I fuck Ludwig? No!"

"You can if you want! Go, fuck him, love him, let him love you, change! Maybe you'd understand some fucking sense."

Matthew's eyes widened. Jan exhaled and saw his breath. The room had dropped twenty degrees around the personification of Canada.

"Do… do you love him?"

"I did."

"Thats not what I'm asking. Do you love him now? At this moment."

"Yes."

"Fine." Matt exhaled, and the room's temperature rose again. "Fine. Go."

"Matt, don't play the jealous wife. It's beneath you."

"Who the fuck said I was? I just said you were free to do as you liked, didn't I?" Matt smiled again, bitter and fragile like shards of porcelain. "Enjoy your time, Jan."

"…. Will I see you in May?"

"I don't think so."

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