#so funny of them to make it literally Obama and not some Ambiguous President Man

[dezzy-137]

Sad and Struggling

I don’t normally do blog posts on this site, but i am struggling and need to get this out.

Amidst the backdrop of what is going on in this country, I am faced with a tough decision on whether to end my friendship with my best friend, who I will refer to as A. 

I met A about 13 years ago when we both worked for the same company and I was essentially his assistant at a popular freight carrier. We are now and have always been very different people, and often we would remark at how our friendship “shouldn’t make sense.” It just did. He is an older white, straight, cis man who is married, has 4 kids, and his life and responsibilities are completely different than mine. I am a little younger than him, Hispanic, queer, female, and single with no children. What started out as a funny dynamic at work where we bonded over music and made silly jokes, turned into a deep friendship. Him and his wife have a great trusting marriage (which is excedingly rare) and she was cool with us going to bars and clubs (mostly gay ones) to dance and have a few drinks. In turn, our friendship deepened, and his wife M, and I have become really close, along with their grown daughters who have turned to me for support, kind of like a quirky Aunt. this has been a fulfilling friendship and their family as a whole has gotten me through some rough times in my life. I consider them to be like my chosen family.

This all began to deteriorate over the last 4 or 5 years. I can’t quite pinpoint the turning point or exactly the beginning, but I feel like we began to decline as A struggled with being in a high paying but physically and emotionally demanding job. I’ve seen him withdraw and really not reach out to me or us hang out like we normally did. He began to depend on alcohol a lot, and no matter what I did, it just wasn’t the same as before. He would say certain things like “i know I’m not being a good friend. . .” This would be frustrating because on one hand, I would be sympathetic that he is unhappy and struggling, but on the other hand, he would make no moves to improve our friendship. 

during this time, I began to spend more time with his wife M. She is kind of the antithesis to her husbands personality. While A, has always enjoyed being a lovable asshole, M is kind, loving, and mild mannered. She had a fairly traumatic childhood, to the point where I am in awe that she remained so tender and lion hearted after everything she’s been through. She’s been a true ally. 

This all culminated when Trump was elected. . . . 

I have very strong political stances, I like to be politically aware and up to date on what is going on in my country. For the record, I despise Trump. He is everything wrong in this country. To quote a well known activist in the Black Lives Matter movement, “this country is on fire, and Trump that lit the match. “ I don’t believe has done anything good for this country. NOT ONE THING. I believe he is a rapist, racist, misogynist, xenophobic piece of shit. There is a laundry list of his misdeeds, hypocrisy, lies, and in the midst of this pandemic he is inciting violence in this country. There is no ambiguity about this in my point of view. 

to be fair, I have never been one to thrust my beliefs on someone else. As I wouldn’t want anyone to do that to me. I have several friends, where we don’t exactly align or we just believe in different things. Some of that just doesn’t affect me or i have to let them do their own thing. 

A has always been fairly liberal, at least out loud. He has high standards of the people around him, but thought he has a “live and let live” mentality. I knew he didn’t really like Obama, but was under the impression from the small conversations we had at the time, that his stance had to do with healthcare. 

I never would have imagined that i would find out that A voted for Trump. I couldn’t understand, why in the world he would vote for him. He had a staunch position on Hillary, and he pulled the whole “but her emails!” It just seemed so far in the other direction, especially since he has 4 daughters and a progressive wife that he would pick a person who is openly misogynistic as well as a sexual predator. Not to mention his stances on race, and an economy that has effected him and his family’s finances. 

i was convinced by a mutual friend that you just gotta let him believe what he’s going to believe, and for a long time I let it go. I felt like I knew this guy. We’ve cried, laughed, shared many meals and deep personal secrets. We’ve been intensely vulnerable with each other, and I felt like he’s a good man, husband, and father. We will just not discuss politics. 

Cue to a few years ago, when there was the beginning of the Me Too Movement. I feel strongly about this as I have been a victim of sexual abuse, harrassment, and have been touched without my consent. I have told him this story and he’s also been witness to his wife’s story, who has been through the same thing. I posted my story onto Facebook, and imagine my shock and hurt when he made a joke about it. I called him out on it, and he apologized, but it’s something that stuck with me. I forgave but never forgot.

A few weeks ago, before the protests, we got into another online fight when I posted something about the people who are protesting the lock downs. You see the videos of these privileged people who want haircuts and to go to bars and restaurants, and I am appalled at their stupidity, lack of medical knowledge, and overall ignorance. Not to mention the white privilege of those who stormed capital buildings with assault weapons and blocked entrance to hospitals. 

Once again, I was blindsided when A stood up for them and said it wouldn’t save us and that he thought the mask thing was stupid. It’s not that serious and he resents having to be told to wear one for his job. I went off on him, and told him that i thought he was being ridiculous when so many people are dying and his illustrious president let this happen. It was so heated, that i thought that it was the end of our friendship. I was so frustrated that this person who I thought I knew so well, was literally one of those people you see in videos coughing in people’s faces and saying its all a hoax and that we are sheep. 

I didn’t reach out to him and figured that was that. My friendship with M seemed to be intact, and even though I remained hurt, I needed to move forward. 

Yesterday, A texted me and told me he missed me. This struck me dumb, since we left our previous argument unresolved and he was acting like it never happened. I was reluctant but tried to have some perspective and tried to forgive him. 

Then today . . .I posted on FB about Trumps call for military intervening in the protests. We have all seen the countless videos, posts, and such about the brutality that the police and national guard are committing against peaceful protests. It’s there in full view and if you cannot not see that, its hard to make sense of how you can be on the other side of this. He condemned my views, and praised Trump. This enraged me. I told him he needed to educate himself and learn who the real criminals are. He told me, I’ll believe what I believe and vice versa. Dismissive. 

i was shaking and my blood was boiling, not to mention that I felt like my heart was breaking as I saw this man who I love dearly and he’s spouting this. How do I reconcile this person in comparison to these abhorrent beliefs. Am I perpetuating this judgement by wanting to end our friendship because we don’t believe the same thing? Am I ending/complicating my friendship/relationship with M and their family by ending my friendship with him? Is this the kind of woman I want to be who has strong beliefs, but doesn’t have the courage to back them up by continuing my friendship with someone who’s values are diametrically opposed to mine? I think Trump is banking on the dividing this country, and am I falling into this paradigm because this is dividing someone who I have considered like my brother?

I always want my heart to be ready to do the right thing? i can’t be blind to the injustices that I am seeing everyday. These directly effect me, my family, people I love. This country, my future, the future of this world. 

What do I do?