#so back to my cave until I have the energy to touch blender again

[colormusicdying]

Then, A Wedding .17.

Brain surgery number three in February 2017 itself was relatively easy for the famous brain surgeon to perform. The recovery was supposed to be quick, just a few days. But that was not to be.

Surviving this brain surgery turned out to be brutal.

After the previous two surgeries, Pam woke up after a few hours and spoke a few words. We were satisfied she was OK. She went to sleep and after a grueling day, I would go home for some rest confident that she was in good hands.

But this time she did not wake up, she did not move, she did not speak, she did not do anything. She was clearly still alive with everything functioning properly but wakefulness, maybe even consciousness, was not happening. Even after a few days in intensive care the only sign of cognition was a little tiny squeeze from one hand. Then a weak thumbs up. Finally it was decided to remove her from intensive care into a room. Day in and day out there was still basically not much but a little squeeze of the hand maybe a couple times a day. Every day I would go in the morning and sit there and talk to the doctors talk to the nurses and wait for Pam to move. Go to lunch, come back. Wait for Pam to move or open an eye. Go home and sleep. Do it again.

A week later some friends visited and they reported maybe they saw her move her mouth a little bit. Then she slowly began to reconnect with the world a few minutes a day. Then there was greater recognition and she could make a thumbs up. The medical people set a thumbs up is harder to do than a simple hand squeeze. After almost two weeks you could see that she was recognizing people who were visiting her, the staff and the doctors and me, maybe for a few minutes a day. After almost two weeks and the observation that she recognized what was going on around her, it was time to be discharged from the hospital. If you think that seems awfully quick, you are on the same page I am. Someday if I can figure out how to not get sued, I will write about the insane, to me, regulations that these days all insurance entities enforce on illness. My guess is, to save money.

When she got to the nursing home/rehab center she had to come in an ambulance and be hoisted into bed with a lift. The staff shook their heads. Later they revealed they never thought she would ever do anything again. They've seen so many people. 

Back in the hospital, a feeding tube was inserted directly into her stomach, making it possible to get out to the nursing/ rehab place. So now there had to be a nutrition plan for feeding her through that tube.

Immediately they started her in rehab. How stupid! They would prop this woman up in a chair and try to make her do things with her hands and arms and legs. And she couldn't even open her eyes for more than a few minutes a day. Or talk. Oh, she's not progressing they said. No kidding. 

Then came the dreaded "Care meeting". May you never go to one of these idiotic meetings which have nothing to do with care. They tell you they are kicking you out. Failure to progress at the rate somebody somewhere says is required. Somebody protecting an insurance company. 

Let's just say that sometimes I can be very strong with my language and the poor young social worker woman who was in charge of the meeting got a tongue lashing from me about the stupidity of the entire situation that I hope she, and her poor innocent intern, will never, ever, forget. Stupid to prop a woman up who can't even open her eyes, then try to manipulate her arms like a puppet and then declare she's getting nowhere. This may make some kind of sense in the world of rules and regulations, but out here where we normal humans are trying to live and get better, it makes no damn sense what so ever.

I, not the staff, had realized that there were problems with Pam's medications and there was no point in stopping rehab until that got fixed.  And I made that point VERY clear.

What that tongue lashing, the wallpaper in the room is probably still curled and scorched, accomplished, was that one of the therapists decided to say, let's fix the drugs and give this another try. And so Pam was allowed to stay. And in fact, because we solved her med problems, she did begin to improve. 

Then, a wedding. Our daughter Annie's wedding was scheduled for early April, and now it was March. No one, except me, thought Pam would get there. She still could not talk almost a month after surgery, although she could sit up for a while and clearly recognize people. You could see that her brain was waking up and she wanted to talk but it was not happening. She became very very frustrated. Wouldn't you?

A month without words, just little facial expressions. A month without being able to tell the world what was inside of her head, not even hello. A month without hearing her own voice. A month of being silenced by an invisible brain-block that would not let a word be created, spoken to the outside world, to pierce the silence of this neurological jail. 

One day she was laying flat in the bed and she yelled out, "I can't talk!" I leaned over the bed and said gently into her good ear, guess what, you just did!! The next thing she said was, "coffee?"

These recoveries are very uneven, but the trend was more wakefulness and more recognition. At this point she could begin to be seeing what was going on around her for about an hour a day. if visitors came, she would give them a little wave or smile, finally say hi. Still on a feed tube. Wedding was coming. Progress in therapy, so she could stay.

As the wedding approached Pam was visited by our bride to be, Annie, and her husband to be Jesse. Annie brought Pam a very kind gift-to-the-Mom, her beautiful drawing to remind Pam of her Tennessee home, a Heavenly Blue Morning Glory, with a quote about Mothers. Framed.

People looked at us quietly out of the corners of their eyes thinking, Pam is never going to get there.

In hope of success, I bought her some new gold shoes to go with her new dress, a blue dress with gold touches, to match the Color scheme of the wedding. One of my friends said, "this must be excruciating."

Rehab continued and small amounts of progress were made. Lift a leg. Bend an ankle. Lift an arm. Move her fingers. Shake hands. Open her eyes and look around the room. Wave. Enough progress. 

She was still not allowed to eat anything. Or drink anything. Still on a feeding tube. Every meal poured into that tube. 

All drugs put into the tube by the in-a-hurry and overworked nurses. Everything going into that tube. 

The visiting speech therapist did not look closely enough to see that Pam could now actually speak.  She kept avoiding starting any therapy. Kept avoiding even looking to see if Pam could be recovered enough to eat. I had to have a big argument with her, to get her to LOOK. Finally she realized Pam COULD talk, and it was time to move forward. One day a nursing staff member cleared out Pam's mouth with a sponge, now that somebody was paying attention. Inside that mouth was an inter-tangled web of dried-out God knows what kind of junk. It looked like a spider's cave. 

I kept asking for a swallowing test. This is a video test of someone trying to eat something, which is really an excellent idea for the safety of the patient. And have no doubt, for the insurance of the facility. Finally after weeks of insisting we try this, a special van was called. A speech therapist and an M.D. tested her ability to chew and swallow food. The feed tube was still in, and would stay in for months more. 

Thirty hours before the wedding, the medical people in the van cleared her to be able to eat soft food and drink. Can she have wedding cake I asked? And they said, yes.

Later that day, we got her hair washed and cut at the in-house beauty shop.

The next day, the day of the wedding, I dressed her in the new blue dress, hiding that feeing tube, and the wheelchair van came on time to convey her to the wedding, purposely timed in the late afternoon so the still low energy Mom could get her nap first. 

And so this wreck of a woman, this woman who could not speak, this woman who had to be mechanically hoisted into a bed from an ambulance stretcher when she arrived, this woman who had sat through weeks of therapy with her eyes closed apparently unresponsive, this woman who could not eat for two months or speak for a month, this woman looked at on the first day by the very experienced staff who then adopted a pose of sadness and shaking heads, was now being wheeled toward the elevator and toward a wedding, smiling, with a new dress and new shoes and freshly done hair. The tired and overworked staff, who had frankly given her little hope of a decent recovery, much less being the Mother of the Bride on this breezy cool day in April, stopped in their tracks, and cheered.

Our bride daughter looked absolutely smashing, as the British would say. As a matter of fact both daughters did. I got to walk the bride down the aisle, and there, sitting in the front row in her wheelchair, totally awake and completely aware, was her mother. The beautiful wedding happened, and what do you know, a celebration broke out.

While tables were being set and drinks were being sipped and a slideshow by the sister Maid of Honor was being enjoyed by all, we only had to cross a hallway to take our formal pictures. We were all there, all together.

There was dinner. Now that she was allowed to eat soft food, I planned to take some of that food and mash it down for Pam to eat, but I was very surprised to discover there was nothing there I could use! We contacted the caterers and I asked them if they had a blender and they said, no. I even had thought of that. I was going to bring my own blender! Should have! So now the day after being approved to eat at least mashed up solid food there was going to be no food to eat. But the caterers did not give up, and they came to our table and told us they had cruised around the building and in another food facility found a blender. So Pam was actually able to eat some of the wedding food. One of my cousins, and Pam's good and true friend Jane helped her with that while I got the opportunity to visit some of the guests.

It was Spring, when the sun gleefully steals a few more minutes from darkness each day. The earth stops spinning for no one, and dusk finally encroached on the light outside. But not on this happy crowd. Pam got to have her wedding dinner, though it be puréed. So now it was time for additional wedding traditions.  She got to see everyone sitting at the head table; hear all the speeches, funny and serious. She got to see the bride dance with her father, and the groom dance with his mother. She got one of those lovely cupcakes, this party's wedding cake, which she could eat without modification, and of course, what could be better to go with the wedding cupcake, than COFFEE! Finally!

And when all the official festivities were over, and it was left to the crowd to begin dancing, drinking and schmoozing and celebrating, I looked at her and I could see she was getting tired. It was already hours past her normal bedtime. She had simply been energized to stay up and see it all. But now it was time for her to get some sleep. I called the wheelchair van service. Her very dear and true friend Jane accompanied her back to the rehab facility, so that I could play father of the bride for a little while longer.

I took home a few of those fabulous cupcakes.

In the year Pam's cancer was discovered, our younger daughter Annie was to turn 16 in July. Her older sister, Elizabeth, to turn 20 that October. Since then, everything I have told you about happened: the three brain surgeries, so many MRIs, hundreds of doses of chemo therapy, a month of radiation treatments under the Eyes of Hope, several rounds of rehab in institutions and at home. A few months after the wedding, bride Annie would turn 28, Maid of honor, sister, Elizabeth, 32.

What is more Colorful and Musical than a wedding? The Dying was banished for that day.

On display, to Bride and Groom,  sister, officiant, bridesmaids and groomsmen,  relatives, friends, caterers, photographers, nursing home staff, wheelchair van driver, and to every molecule of air at the wedding, to the gentle but cool spring breeze outside, to our own star setting slowly in the West, to the moon itself, to the all-seeing Milky Way galaxy, to the floating swirling sparkling Stardust which carries and holds the hopes and dreams of living beings everywhere, to all the invisible intergalactic particles shooting through the room, touching nothing and moving on, to the forces of life yet undiscovered by humans, and to everything all the way out to the very edge of the Universe, where the minds of the geniuses play;

To all of them was displayed and  demonstrated, elegantly, happily even, an intense power forged of pure true love by the hottest fires deep in the human spirit, the undefeatable power necessary to create, embolden, and sustain DEFIANCE! TO THE BRUTALITY OF SURVIVAL. 

*********************************************************************************************

Next post Thursday Sept 27: The Gentle Beam .18.

[anavoliselenu]

Manwhore chapter 2

As if reading my mind, Gina tries to pep me up. “Come on, clothes don’t make the girl. Hey, at least you’re not naked.”

I’ve tried to twist my hair this way and that, and no, my appearance hardly improves. I’m passionately hating on this entire situation while riding in the back of the cab, sitting sideways because I suspect that, when Gina washed her hands after me, she got some paint on my back. Just seconds ago I felt it sticking to the cab vinyl, and now I’m hating on this situation so bad, my stomach hurts. I ask the driver to drop the passenger mirror, and I stare at my face.

“Ohmigod,” I say.

And there I am. My long blonde hair twisted into messy pigtails, a slash of paint on the side of my neck, stark like blood against my pale skin. “Ohmigod,” I moan.

This is the woman the renowned Justin Justin is going to see?

And, if I thought in the back of the cab that I really loathed this situation, I had no idea how much more I would hate it when I got to the M4 corporate building.

The building itself looms with its fancy mirrored windows piled up almost as high as the Sears—supposedly-called-Willis-now-but-screw-that-name—Tower. Inside the lobby, from one end to the other, marble and granite floors spread out beneath my feet. Steel structures hold glass staircases leading to a second lobby floor, while see-through elevators zoom up and down.

M4 is about as edgy as a nightclub but as quiet as a museum. I feel like a balloon delivery girl who forgot the balloons as I walk past the revolving doors and deeper toward reception. Oh fuck me, this is so not optimal right now. Everybody in the lobby is looking at me.

I can’t do this, I can’t do this, I can’t do this.

Livingston! Focus. YES. You can.

I thrust my chin out and proudly walk up to the receptionist. “Selena Livingston for Justin Justin.”

She eyes me quietly. Inspects my ID card. Frowns a little.

At five foot seven, I’m not short by any means. But I feel smaller and smaller. I am shrinking, right here, as I wait. Humiliated quietly.

“Top floor,” she says, eyeing me down to my Converse sneakers.

Fuck. Me.

I head to the elevator with as much pride as I can muster.

The elevator zips up to the top floor, dropping my companions—all of them in sharp black-and-white exec suits—along the way until it’s just me. And a knot of nerves tightening more and more. I bet Victoria wouldn’t be caught dead wearing this. Not even if she were paid to do it.

But Victoria isn’t here, Selena. You are.

The elevator tings, and I step out.

There are four desks, two to the right, two to the left, and huge frosted-glass doors leading to . . . his lair. I know it’s his because of how the frosted doors give the impression of a glass fortress that is both bold and strangely understated. It signals accessibility while being completely out of reach from the world.

A woman comes around a desk and gestures for me to take a seat in a section to the left.

Thanking her under my breath, I perch on the edge of a chair for a few minutes, watching all four of his assistants—all of them sharp and attractive in different ways—take continual calls. They work in absolute perfect synchronicity.

An elevator opens and a glimpse of a tall, striking man hits me with a jolt of pure feminine awareness as he steps out with a trail of businessmen behind him. Shoulders a mile wide, jet-black hair, crisp designer suit, snowy white shirt, and a stride to eat up the universe. He’s taking the folder that one of the other men extends and, after issuing some sort of command that sends his followers dispersing out with bullet speed, he charges forward. He passes me with the simmering force of a hurricane and disappears into the glass cave, leaving me dizzy and frantically absorbing my last sight of the dark hair, broad back, and the hottest male ass I’ve ever seen walking Chicago.

For a second I feel like the world moved faster, that somehow ten seconds were all crammed into the space of one—the one where this man went past me. Like a lightning bolt.

One of the assistants leaps to her feet and goes into the glass office where he vanished, while the other three stare at the door as if they wish the lightning bolt had hit a little bit closer to home.

Then it hits me.

That the storm was Justin Justin.

Yes, the hurricane was Justin.

I feel a prick of dread.

I glance at my sneakers. And yep. They’re still sneakers. Urgh.

I notice the assistant left the door slightly ajar, and I can’t help but lean forward, straining to hear her whispers.

“Your twelve o’clock is here. You have ten minutes.”

I can’t hear the reply through the nervous pounding of my heart.

“Oh, and Mr. Justin, this . . . reporter . . . she’s dressed a little bit unconventionally.”

God, I still can’t hear.

“From Edge, a low-circulation magazine. Dean thought it important we use whatever outlets we could to push the new Facebook.”

My skin pebbles when I hear a low, excruciatingly deep male voice murmur something unintelligible.

“Selena Livingston,” the assistant answers.

I feel shivers when the indiscernible but deep sound of his voice reaches me again. The shivers race from the top of my spine down to my tailbone.

I’ve never shivered like this before, not even when I’ve been freezing my ass outside. Is this from nerves?

“Yes, Mr. Justin . . .” the assistant finally says.

She comes out and can’t quite manage to conceal the fact that she’s flustered. Shit, and I’m the one going in next. Looking like I was just tossed into a blender with a can of paint and I’m the result of that fun little expedition.

She calls me over to the door. “Mr. Justin is truly pressed for time today. Enjoy your ten minutes,” she says as she pushes it open.

I try to reply, but I’m so nervous only a little croak of a “thank you” comes out as I step inside. Stock tickers scroll on one wall on dozens of different screens. There are no live plants, nothing but technology and natural stone floors, and a lot of space, as if this man needs it.

The windows have an open view of the city of Chicago, but I can’t absorb it for long because I see him—quiet, storm-like intensity in Armani—walk toward me in that hurricane force that is almost otherworldly.

Wow. Wow on every part of him. His face, his presence, his shoulders, his eyes. His eyes are glowing, alive—green and deep, like moving rivers, but there’s no missing the little shards of ice glinting inside, almost screaming for me to warm them.

“Miss Livingston.”

He extends his hand, and it’s when I slide my fingers into his warm grip that I notice that I can’t breathe.

Nodding and swallowing and pasting a stupid smile on my face as I pry my hand free, I watch him with mounting awe.

Once in his chair and leaning back comfortably, he sits there, the pose deceptively casual, but I can feel the energy humming from his being.

“Mr. Justin,” I mumble at last, never more aware of my attire and how out of place I must seem amid such polished luxury.

He’s staring too, in a slightly puzzled, quiet way. I bet I’m the only woman he’s ever seen in coveralls. In sneakers. I bet everyone wears their best when they’re going to see him.

Shit.

He glances at his watch, startling me when he speaks. “Clock is ticking, Miss Livingston, so you might as well shoot.” He signals to a chair across from his desk, and . . . can I just say that his voice is really quite an experience?

His presence is quite the experience. No wonder people talk about it online—hell, to whoever will listen.

His jaw all lean bone, his eyebrows two dark slashes above thick-lashed, deep-set eyes. His lips are sensual, slightly tilted at the corners. The kind of lips Gina calls “edible.”

“Thank you for seeing me, Mr. Justin,” I say.

“Justin is fine.” He leans back in his chair.

Adrenaline courses through me as I finally have no other choice but to attempt to sit on the chair he indicated, every effort I make focused on my movements. I’m trying not to recline to avoid getting paint on the fabric—a bit stiffly, I pull out the questions I wrote on my phone on my way here.

“So my main interest is, of course, your new social media platform, the first to ever really compete against Facebook . . .”

I can’t help but notice he’s distracted by my clothes as I sit across from him. I can feel his eyes on me, checking me out. Is he disgusted by my outfit? I can feel his hot eyes on me, and I’m just about squirming.

He shifts in his chair, a hand covering his face. Is he hiding a smile? Ohmigod, is his chest moving a little? He’s laughing because of my clothes! Because I’m rigid as a mannequin here, nervous and frantically wondering if I have paint on me or not.

“As you know,” I force myself to continue, but god, I’m mortified, “investors have not only been wondering whether it will remain privately held . . .”

I trail off when he stands and walks to the far end of his office. He walks in a way only confident men walk. It’s unsettling when he walks back to me, extending what looks to be a clean men’s dress shirt.

“Here, put this on.”

Holy crap. Is this his shirt? “Oh no.”

His eyes are extraordinary up close, peering down at me with a curiosity I hadn’t seen there before.

“I insist,” he says, with a hint of a smile.

My heart speeds up. “Truly,” I protest, shaking my head.

“You’ll be more comfortable.” He gestures down at me, and I feel myself go hot. He just smiles, a twinkle in his eye.

Standing to take the shirt, I pluck each button open with shaky fingers, then slip my arms into the sleeves. I start buttoning it up as he heads back to his desk, his strides slow this time, almost predatory . . . because he won’t take his eyes off me as he walks around.

The faster I try to make my fingers move, the more inept they feel. The shirt falls to the middle of my thighs—a shirt that has touched him, his chest, his skin, and suddenly I can’t stop being aware of what he’s doing; slowly lowering Chicago’s most coveted male body back into his chair.

“Okay,” I announce.

But it’s not okay. It’s so not okay right now.

I’m blushing to the tips of my ears, and his eyes are twinkling mercilessly, as though he knows it. “You wear it better than I do,” he assures me.

“You’re teasing me, Mr. Justin,” I say under my breath, lowering myself to the chair again. His shirt smells of soap, the collar starchy, loose around my neck. God. My knees feel weak. I couldn’t feel more vulnerable if I’d bared myself naked in front of him.

“All right, so now that you’ve managed to dress me properly,” I tell him laughingly, then scorn myself for my familiarity. Pull out your questions, Selena. And while you’re at it, pull out your objectivity, too.

His cell phone rings. He ignores it, and I realize he’s smiling over my comment. Lips curled seductively at the corners, teeth perfectly even and white against his tan.

His. Smile.

Oh.

My stomach dips unexpectedly. “Would you like to answer?”

“No,” he says bluntly. “Go ahead. This is your time.”

It rings again. He glances at the screen, narrowing his eyes.

“Please go ahead,” I encourage.

I really need for him to look at something else for a hot second.

What is going on in my life?

I’m wearing his shirt!

He finally murmurs, “Excuse me,” and takes the call and turns his chair a bit as he listens into the receiver.

Exhaling as I pull my questions up from my phone again, I lift my lashes and watch his profile as he listens attentively. Just sitting there doing nothing but taking a call, he sucks up all the oxygen in the room. He screams class, money, sophistication, and purely powerful things.

They say he once leaped from the top of his office building.

He’s been called bold and daring both in business and out of it.

I hadn’t believed everything I read last night.

I’m not sure it’s all a lie now.

There’s quite an energy under those business clothes.

He wears those clothes like second skin—hell, as if he sometimes sleeps in them. Under his white shirt, I can see the impressive muscle tone of his arms and chest. No picture I saw online truly captured the effect of that tanned, well-structured face in person. Absolutely none. His face is walk-straight-into-a-wall stunning, and I won’t even dwell on his body, but now I understand why his bed is the most coveted spot in town.

He hangs up and settles back down, and we stare again for a moment. “Do you want to go ahead now, Miss Livingston?” he prods, gesturing to my phone.

“I amuse you,” I blurt.

Hiking up one eyebrow, he seems to turn the question in his head a bit, steepling his fingers before him. “Intrigue me, yes. Do you paint?”

“I was at a neighborhood park this morning. Members of my community get together sometimes; we’re trying to stay active against street violence, gang fights, drug selling in general.”

“Are you now?” he says, without inflection.

I’m not sure if he’s really intrigued or has simply decided he doesn’t want to allow me to interview him after all. Thinking back to my questions, and how much I need to draw out the most information that I can, I open my mouth to try to get on his good side—maybe a little flattery?—but one of his assistants interrupts.

“Mr. Justin, China calling,” she says as she peers through the doors. “And the car’s ready.”

He eases out of his chair, and his muscles ripple under his shirt as he maneuvers his arms back into his crisp black jacket. He grabs the Chicago Cubs cap sitting on the side of his desk, and as he looks at it, a muscle jumps in the back of his jaw as if he’s suddenly irritated about something.

I don’t want to overstay my welcome so I force myself to stand.

He lifts his head to briefly spare me one last glance. “It was interesting. Selena,” he adds.

A horrible sense of loss weighs down on me, growing heavily with each sound of his sure, steady footsteps heading toward the door. Oh god, that’s it?

“Mr. Justin, could you see me again . . . ? ” I begin.

He’s already at the threshold of the open doors. His assistant hands over a couple of yellow Post-its, and he bends his dark head as he quickly skims them. He has an extremely toned back, an inverted triangle from his broad shoulders down to his waist—covered perfectly by that black designer jacket. As another one of his assistants goes to summon one of the elevators, one of his employees catches up to him with a ball.

A baseball. Of course. Either he’s getting it signed by the players today or throwing that ball out at Wrigley Field.

I glance around at his assistants. Two are typing. One is waiting by the elevator. And the one who’s always hovering by his side is . . . hovering by his side. All their eyes are on him as he boards. It seems like nobody is breathing until he leaves, not even me.

When the elevator takes him away, his assistants return to their desks. Other than me, I’ve never met people more eager to get back to work.

I smile as I approach the one who let me into his office. Her name plaque reads CATHERINE H. ULYSSES. “He’s got an effect, hasn’t he?” I fished. Does he sleep with any of you girls? is what I really want to know.

She scowls a little. Protective? “Can I help you?”

“Yes, I’d like to see about the possibility of booking another appointment with Mr. Justin. We couldn’t cover the subject I’m interested in. I’d love at least an hour with him, even two, if it’s not too much to ask.”

She says she’ll keep me posted, and the four of them stare at the shirt I’m wearing and none of them looks happy. Sigh.

His assistants hate me, and he’s probably banning me from M4 for life.

I’m so disappointed when I ride the cab back to my apartment that I replay the scene over and over, trying to find something I can use. It takes an effort to push away my embarrassment first, digging underneath to the gist of the meeting.

I jot down—

Punctual

Respected by his staff = good boss?

Even when he sat there, there always seemed to be something happening in his head (what was he thinking? Mergers? )

His stare is . . . the deepest I’ve ever seen (indicates a man who can read people?)

He gave me his shirt

I look down at his shirt and study the buttons, the lapel. It’s an unexpected gesture, that he gave me his shirt. Unexpected. Yes, that’s him. Cool and composed, with a tight leash on his exhilarating hurricane energy, hiding something deep and interesting inside him.

I roll the sleeves to my elbows and jot that down. Sometimes my stories start with a list of words. I end up with this list of five things. So this is what I got out of the meeting? Five things with very little concrete evidence to back them up, and a strange knot in my tummy. And his incredibly nice-smelling shirt.

“What’s a man’s shirt doing here? This is sacred feminine space,” Gina protests when she gets in from work.

“He was embarrassed for me and gave me his shirt.”

I’m sitting in front of a blank computer screen, and I’m not that thrilled. Usually I love blank computer screens—they’re like my playground. But a playground with one lone subject and no information to play with leaves me grumpy. I’ve got a bag of yogurt pretzels from Whole Foods sitting right beside me, and even that won’t lift my mood.

“He covered you up rather than told you to remove your coverall? What kind of manwhore is he?”

“Gina! We were in his office. He has a good work ethic. He clearly doesn’t mix business with pleasure.”

Gina comes over to dive into my yogurt pretzels. “Justin lives for pleasure; he’s the tsar of pleasure. . . . What’s with the frown?”

I groan and set my laptop aside and plop down on the bed. “I need to give that shirt back, and the stain on the inside from your damn handprint won’t come off.”

“Why would you need to give it back?”

“Because! I’ve never . . . you know. Gotten gifts from a guy. It makes me feel uncomfortable.”

“You missed out on a dad giving you stuff. Or a brother. Or even a boyfriend. Still, you need to take stuff when you can get it because, trust someone who knows this shit, it doesn’t come that often.”

“I’m not keeping his shirt. What does that even say about me?” I shake my head and tsk.

She chows another pretzel and kicks off her shoes. “He’s a billionaire, he’s probably got a dozen more still with the tags on. Were you just planning on dropping by to hand it over? Are you like a permanent badge-holder of M4 corporate, or what?”

“No,” I admit, and I reach to my bureau for my phone and open my internet so she can see for herself the message I got.

Justin Justin

Miss Livingston, Dean again. Mr. Justin can see you Monday. If you don’t mind that we’re squeezing the interview in between some of his other obligations, he’s open to seeing you at 3 p.m.

“Selena!” she says, jabbing my arm. “You go, girl!”

I grin quietly and stare at his shirt hanging on the back of my bedroom door again.

They say when you want something, you should visualize getting it and it will materialize. Well, this is the first time in my life I’ve wanted something bad enough, to prove myself so much, that it’s finally taking shape.

He gave me another interview. He’s got other obligations, but he will see me again. Even after that first mess of a meeting. It’s so beyond perfect I can’t stop a fresh wave of story-giddiness creeping up on me until finally 3 p.m. Monday rolls around.

4

MONDAY

A shiny black Rolls-Royce is parked at the very center of the M4 driveway, the sun gleaming on its rooftop. The moment I hop out of a cab, a uniformed driver approaches. “Miss Livingston?”

Mutely, I nod. Formally, he tips his hat to me and briskly opens the rear door. I spot Justin inside, issuing a string of impatient commands to someone through his phone. Oops. I don’t think he’s in a good mood today. He’s not yelling, but he doesn’t seem like the kind of man who needs to yell to be heard. His voice is exactly as I remembered, but the words today are sharper, laced with absolute authority and finished in steel. I inhale sharply when I realize I’m supposed to get in this car with him. Oh boy.

Ignoring the sudden weakness in my knees, I slip inside. The instant the driver shuts the door behind me, the car seems to shrink a whole size. Justin seems to occupy all the space with his not-too-subtle body sprawled on the bench across from mine. He’s wearing a white button-down shirt, partly open to reveal a smooth expanse of chest. His jacket is tossed to the side along with a few folders and an iPad. “Don’t make excuses and don’t talk about it. Do it,” he growls impatiently. He hangs up, then seems to quickly pick up another call. “Santori, talk to me.”

Stroking his jaw, he regards me thoughtfully as he listens to the other man. I settle back for the ride while the car pulls into traffic. Trying not to make noise or distract him, I take out my phone and email myself some notes as he speaks. Businesses? Buying or selling? Names—are they first names or last?

All this time, I watch him through my lashes, trying not to get caught staring. Strangely, though, sometimes when he grows silent and listens to whatever the person on the other end of the line is saying, his eyes slide down the length of my seat and they . . . stick like glue to me.

I quickly look down at my phone, going hot all of a sudden. He’s so intense, this man. And there’s that maddening hint of arrogance, clinging to him with everything he does.

There have been legions of women who’ve been with him in bed—he’s a challenge and a prize, I’ve seen. But in all of last night’s research, I found nothing on any office affairs involving him and anyone at M4. Justin does not mix business and pleasure? I wrote down last night.

Sitting in the back of a black Rolls-Royce now, I realize this man doesn’t seem to mix anything with business. He sits across from me and gives me a perfect view of his face as he engages in multiple transactions. He really is quite beautiful, even when frowning—and he seems to be wearing a thoughtful frown right now as he . . .

Uh, stares at me.

“In business, no is not an answer,” he says, low and deep, into his phone. “No is simply an invitation to bargain.”

Smiling at the frustration in his voice, I glance out the window as he mumbles something to his employee.

He hasn’t stopped for a moment so I can get a single question in, but I’m not complaining. I’m getting a prime-time, front-row view of the labyrinth of his mind, and the complete impact of his personality.

I thought I was a workaholic, but there’s really no way to describe the kinds of deals Justin is handling while doing something even as passive as riding in the back of a car. Passive—I don’t think that’s a word in this man’s dictionary. The guy is getting things done, and I’m going to take a page from his book and use this same push to get my exposé.

I get caught up in the drama of a bidding war. Adrenaline pumps in my veins as he keeps saying numbers, shooting them off. Is he buying a company? Something from Sotheby’s? I write down the name of the person he’s talking to—Christine. And the numbers he’s reciting. He’s upping his bid by 100k increments and ends at a little over two million. He murmurs, “Good,” and judging by the dazzling, toe-curling smile that appears on his face, I assume he got what he wanted.

I almost miss the rush when—at last—there’s silence and the sound of his phone hitting the leather seat.

Pulling my eyes away from the Chicago streets, I spot his phone now lying next to his jacket and then, with the strange knot in my stomach he sent me home with last time, I notice that his full, undivided attention is on me.

A strange heat spreads up my neck because he’s finally going to speak to me. “Is the moon yours yet?” I ask.

He grabs a water bottle from the wet bar to one side, cracks it open, and takes a swig. “Not yet.” He smiles at that, then he frowns and reaches for another water bottle, extending his arm to hand it to me. “Here.”

When I take it, he lounges back for a moment, twists his neck to the side . . . taps his fingers on the back of the armrest . . . and I’m unnerved by it. Is something wrong?

I’m not in coveralls anymore. I’m wearing . . . I instantly rehash because his stare makes me nervous. Black slacks, white button-down shirt, a cute white jacket, my hair held back with a black band. I look professional and clean, ready for business. Don’t I?

“Is it all right if I ask you some questions now?”

“Shoot,” he says, aloof.

As I pull out my note cards, he sips his water, his eyes coming to rest on me. His face is such an absolute distraction, I try to alternate between studying my note cards and looking at him in a professional manner. “When did the idea for Interface originate?”

“When Facebook fucked up its system.”

“Their weakness became your gain?”

For the briefest moment, an appraising light shines in his eyes, surrounded by an odd yet exhilarating darkness. “Everyone’s weakness is another’s gain. Their system could be much improved upon. Better games, better access, faster downloads, and I’ve got the most capable team on the continent to do that.”

“How many workers are currently on board?”

“Four thousand.”

“Isn’t that a high overhead for a start-up?”

“Considering we’ve already accomplished our initial user-sign-up goal, no, it’s not.”

I smile and flip through my note cards just to avoid the intensity of his gaze for a little bit. When I lift my eyes, he’s drinking from his water bottle, still watching me.

“You have to know that you’re the city’s most wanted man. Does that surprise you?”

“Most wanted.” He repeats that as if almost entertained by the concept, a slight smile on his lips. “By whom?” He stretches out his legs wider and sits back comfortably, his hand spreading over his knee as he drops his water bottle into the cup holder to the side and regards me with openly curious eyes.