#so I went to get some food bc I haven't eaten since before I came in

[llycaons]

do you remember in toystory 2 when they said RUN LIKE THE WIND, BULLSEYE!!! that was me to myself 30 seconds ago booking it to the train

[rival-the-rose]

So, last week, just before my birthday, I developed dysphagia, gastroparesis, and ileus due to a weird viral infection (came with a fever and sinus inflammation but nothing else). In layman's terms, this basically means all of the muscles in my entire GI tract have stopped working - esophagus is not moving food to the stomach, stomach is not opening to allow food nor is it opening to release food, and my intestines are not moving things along, just being inflamed and full of gas.

This is obviously deeply uncomfortable, I have been on a liquid diet and barely reaching BMR, on top of being dehydrated bc plain water causes a lot of pain (adding a neutral-basic substance to high acid environment=bad).

On top of that, I am not a layman, and therefore I know that generally this suite of symptoms are associated with the Big Bad Diagnoses and once they show up they are frequently lifelong and not infrequently fatal. I also know that my history and symptoms don't match any of the Big Bads and it's more likely a weirdly dramatic response to viral inflammation, and I think we confirmed that with my doctor today. She's an osteopath who used to specialize in post-GI surgical care and felt that my intestines responded to manipulation in a way that was more similar to inflamed intestines than intestines that are no longer enervated. I would tend to agree and also she relieved so much pain today, I can take deep breaths again.

However, she hasn't seen or heard of this before. She expects that if there's no active damage being done, the inflammation should be mostly resolved in a week or two, but that's based on physiological knowledge rather than specific disease etiology.

So I'm having a lot of emotions. Anxiety, bc these are serious issues that I don't have a solid timeline on resolving. Anxiety 2, bc any time my body does something weird I become paralyzed with fear that this is going to spiral into profound disability again. Shame about Anxiety 2 bc I feel like I'm being dramatic and also being paralyzed with fear makes me feel bad about myself. Concerned that this is going to trigger an eating disorder relapse. Excited that I get to relapse "legitimately" and the fact that I've been on half rations for awhile is relieving the thoughts around how much weight I've gained since getting back from Vermont. Concerned bc I'm already feeling some of the emotional effects of calorie restriction (weepy+fussy) and physical (so tired.) Shame bc I feel like I should be done being sick and I'm tired of cancelling things I really want to do and also bc I look fine and I do feel ok as long as I haven't eaten recently. So I feel like I'm letting ppl down for no reason/I should be toughing it out more. ???Bad bc this is the eating disorder dream and why can't I be functional while doing it (aka being confronted with the reality that I can't indulge my disorder in a safe way which is so scary). Fussy bc I don't actually feel sick so I still want to do things but then I do and I'm uncomfortable/tired/frustrated immediately. Shame about just lying on the couch so much. Fear bc I want to start T and I'm in the process of applying to vet school and I can't do either of those things if I keep having organ systems shutting down (I really thought my lungs were doing better but they're apparently still not deflating appropriately).

Logically I can see that if someone told me they had these symptoms I would be like "why are you not in a hospital" (as long as I can keep up on calories and liquid reasonably it's not necessary). But I'm the one experiencing it and it's not that bad so why can't I do more stuff. Even though I worked full time this week and went to a doctor appointment today and OT yesterday. But I cancelled hanging out with my bestie on her birthday today so I feel really bad about that.

Idk. I just want to feel better. Except for the part of me that wants to starve to death. I'd say that's the core of the issue lol.

[fantasticcloudcreation]

Sep 23

Just got to the hotel! Blessed by the weather gods today, had the perfect amount of cloud cover and it wasn't hot at all until the sun came out for the last hour of the drive, hallelujah.

My roommate isn't here yet and I want to get high and lounge around but I have to go get groceries first, send me moral support 🙏 half tempted to just, not, but I know I'll regret that in the morning when I have no caffeine and no food...

-

Update: it's now 7:30pm, groceries were acquired, roommate is still not here, I'm gonna take a shower and drink a beer and eat an edible and hopefully relax.

(I'm rambling again so I'm putting the rest under a read more)

Have to be at work around 7am tmro, technically start time is 8 but it's the first day and I gotta figure out where to park and get all my gear together etc. Also didn't get cigs so I have to stop somewhere in the morning...

And I have to eat dinner tonight??? (Ugh you mean I have to eat the food I just bought?? Lol) The weed will probably help encourage that. Wish I had a cig right now I'm a lil bit stressing but it'll be fine, life is good, I will survive even though it's gonna be hot af tmro...

I finally got a new hairbrush (lost mine a couple weeks ago) and it actually feels so good to brush my hair again haha.

Wishing I had a cuddle buddy here tonight but it is what it is! D will be here for show days and hopefully I'll be off work that week in between so we can hang out, that'll be nice.

Right now: just trying to relax, get settled. Got all my stuff organized so whenever roomie shows up it at least looks like I have my shit together 😅 hoping she doesn't ask to carpool to work bc my van is a mess + no AC, but maybe I can just say that and she'll find another ride... Also thinking about like, it's always hot af trying to drive home after work in Austin traffic direct sunlight etc; maybe I'll just hang out at the park for a while after work, cool down in the shade, do some yoga read a book etc, and then drive home once the traffic subsides and the sun goes down? Idk just thinking. (Stop thinking so much just go take a shower and relax, whatever happens tomorrow will unfold on its own time.)

Also, my period is starting, I actually might die tomorrow - it'll be ok just take breaks and eat snacks and pour ice water on your body haha. Last year I went home early twice bc of the heat and I'm going to try so hard to keep it together this year. I haven't built a stage since April but you know what, it's really not that hard, find the easy tasks and start doing them before anyone else does them 😂

Unrelated but L just told me he quit his job and is starting another endeavor, very happy for him but also bummed bc maybe now I won't see him at the next 2 gigs and I was really looking forward to that......... But maybe I will, idk, I don't want to be clingy and weird but at the same time I want to spend more time with him? Like basically we met, hung out for 3 weeks straight, and haven't seen him since lol. I'm sure we'll cross paths again at some point but who knows when.

Anyway, the edible is kicking in already, that was fast but maybe it's bc I haven't eaten anything besides a small bag of chips at like, noon... Go shower and eat dinner and watch something silly on TV. Set an alarm and figure everything else out in the morning. It's all going to work out ❤️