#snickle's rambles

[niviferweeps]

i miss writing but there is nothing i want to write, its all bleh

[niviferweeps]

back to the grind, got a lot to learn today.

[niviferweeps]

drinking some wine and thinking— maybe i should kill myself. it's been over a decade now, that i made a solemn promise to myself that i won't die. not by my hand. not yet. but now i feel it has turned to sour ashes in my mouth, even in this moment, i have a light hope that maybe it'll get better. i will sit with that hope for now. a tiny little flame keeping me warm.

[niviferweeps]

it is in my darkest hours that i remember— oh to be spirited again. at least, then, i wasn't yet completely gone. just the lightest touch, a tinge of rot in the air, so subtle that you don't notice until you step close. was it a gleam in my eye then? i can't recall. it has always been the centerpiece of my world, but not yet real, not yet seen. seeing is always believing, isn't it? i hate it. it has consumed relentlessly— however slow or fast it may be, it was never not there.

i never said anything, and i never will, something died in me long ago, and it is pungent

my soul, perhaps?

[niviferweeps]

it is unfortunate that the only inspiration i've found while deep in dreadful depression is in a whiskey bottle— a dangerous way to live, and i found myself wondering if i'm doomed to repeat a life my grandfather has already lived. would i go blind same as him? tsk, tsk. better to give up. better to live without. guess i'll have to find something else.

[niviferweeps]

let the frigid north consume me whole, may the mountains take my breath and the ice bite my toes, slow the rot but not wholly, and when i am found, leave me be— for the north is my home

[niviferweeps]

i feel like going mad. just batshit insane. at least then, i wouldn't have to shoulder the burden of being expected to perform socially, instead they'd just look at me and say "oh there goes the local madwoman again" and move on.