#sledge is one of the few people in my head who'd be super healthy for bandit

[kiruuuuu]

Oh anon, this happens to be one of the ships I like a lot myself but somehow never ended up writing, so thank you for giving me an excuse! I even get the chance to depict why Diana is Bandit’s eternal nemesis. Hope you like it ❤ (Rating T, humour/fluff, ~1.7k words)

.

Bandit almost swerves into a ditch as soon as he catches sight of who accompanied Smoke to their meeting point. He didn’t tell him outright to come alone but thought it obvious since they were planning to test some of their self-made fireworks out here in the fields which is probably all sorts of illegal but fun. Smoke claimed he improved the launch mechanism, meaning they won’t risk stragglers shooting up into their trouser legs anymore (and yes, Bandit still has the scar), and supposedly even managed to branch out with the colours. So hopefully they’re not going to look like they randomly caught fire anymore.

Their visitor, however, is going to nullify their entire project – because there is absolutely no way.

He stops his motorcycle a few feet away from where Smoke is perched on the fence and beaming at him in anticipation, the small furry killjoy lying down in the grass just behind him. “The fuck?”, Bandit yells at him and angrily tosses his helmet onto the ground while approaching the two. “What’d you bring her for? She’s gonna go ballistic, you numbskull!”

“What are you -” Smoke’s confused expression clears up after he’s followed Bandit’s gaze. “Oh shit. The fuck are you doing here, dog? You’re meant to be at Mark’s, how did you even…” Diana has perked up by now, regarding the two of them unapologetically with raised ears. “I swear I didn’t bring her on purpose, mate, I have no idea where she came from. It is Diana, right?”

“Yeah. Trust me, I’d be able to recognise her in a tornado of corgis.” He’s absolutely sure he could actually correctly identify her no matter what – she’s haunted him in his dreams, always popping up at the most inopportune moments to endanger his life.

“Tornado of corgis? Is that like murder of crows?”, Smoke muses, quite obviously not grasping the seriousness of the situation.

“Are you fucking kidding me? Why aren’t you freaking out, Seamus will have both our heads if he finds out!”

Smoke draws his brows together. “Why ours? It’s Mark’s fault, she must’ve jumped out when he dropped me off here and neither of us noticed. You don’t have anything to do with it, mate.”

“Look. This fucking gremlin stole some chocolate out of my hand by basically climbing my leg and it was somehow my fault. She very nearly electrocuted herself in the workshop by running in like a dog with a death wish – I almost concussed myself saving her, and it was still my fault. Remember how she got stuck in the fence on base? My fault. And you know why? Because I was the only one who rushed in to free her since I didn’t want to be accused wrongly once again, which resulted in me being wrongly accused once again. I’m fucking sick of this fucking mutt and her fucking owner always blaming me. I swear, at this point he’s this close to actually beating my face in. I’m not risking it. We’re taking her back.”

“Fuze let her into the workshop that one time, actually. And I was the one who pointed out the chocolate to her”, Smoke admits and laughs good-naturedly at Bandit’s murderous expression. “Water under the bridge, mate, but alright, if you don’t wanna see the fireworks, I guess we can take her back first.”

Bandit is very much in favour of that decision. “Dogs hate fireworks anyway and I don’t wanna frighten her”, he mumbles and climbs over the fence to pick Diana up. She jumps up at the first step he makes towards her and Bandit’s stomach plummets. “Oh no. No, no, no, baby girl, don’t do this to me. Just stay where you are, alright? We’re going to take you back to your scary ass owner and you’re going to behave.” Another step. She lowers herself a little on her front legs. Bandit knows this stance.

“Not looking good”, Smoke states, merely watching in amusement.

“Shut the fuck up, don’t jinx it. Do you have any food on you?”

“Only something which could pass as a sausage but I’m not going to offer it to her, no thank you.”

That’s fair. Bandit looks around for a stick or something similar but comes up empty. There’s nothing but fences, stone walls, fields and sheep. Oh shit. He’s fairly sure corgis do have a herding instinct, he can’t let her get anywhere near them. She’s wearing her usual tartan bandanna and looking laughably innocent where he knows her to be the devil’s spawn – it might give him something to hold on to though. “I’m going to jump at you now, and you’re going to react too slowly to run away. That’s what’s going to happen, alright, sweetheart? Just stay. Stay. Diana, stay.”

The last thing he sees before he hits the ground, hard, is a light brown lightning strike zipping off into the distance while barking excitedly.

“Nice”, says Smoke.

“I’m going to fucking strangle you”, Bandit grits out and gets back up. Diana is standing a fair distance away now, fully alert and convinced they’re going to play.

“Chasing her is not going to work, mate”, Smoke states matter-of-factly.

“Yeah well.” Bandit wipes some of the grass off his thighs. “That’s what I told you about Mark, but you did it anyway and look where you are now. I’m going to catch that fucking dog and if it’s the last thing I do.”

“Don’t worry, even if you fail, it’ll be the last thing you do – if Seamus really has your head because of it.”

“Your vote of confidence is noted.” And with that, he starts running.

.

Bandit can’t even guess what he looks like when Sledge opens the door. Judging by his extremely unimpressed gaze, he must seem at the very best homeless and at worst like someone who just survived a year alone in the jungle. “Here”, Bandit announces and thrusts the hand forward with which he’s holding the makeshift leash, improvised with the help of some twine originally belonging to one of the fences into which he crashed, “is your fucking dog.”

Sledge blinks at him. Bandit is a sight to behold and so he needs a few seconds to take him all in before the Scotsman glances down at an extremely chipper, remarkably clean and unscathed Diana. Hesitantly, he accepts the proffered leash tied around the bandanna and takes it off, allowing the corgi to zoom past his legs into her home. “What happened to her?”, Sledge asks quietly and with a dangerous tone to his voice which implies that he’ll only accept a certain answer.

“Nothing”, Bandit spits out that exact answer with a clean conscience, “fucking look at her, she’s never been better, she had the bloody time of her life this afternoon, don’t bother walking her today because she’ll probably be too exhausted from playing. Why is always ‘is Diana alright’ and not ‘what in the world happened to you, Dom, can I offer you something to drink or a full body massage as thanks for fucking saving my precious baby’?!”

By now, the reproachful expression on Sledge’s face has mellowed into a soft smile. “With how you smell, I’m hesitant to invite you inside”, he states gently, his strict demeanour replaced with sympathy obvious despite his words.

“That’s fucking fair”, Bandit admits and grimaces. He probably should’ve rolled around in some rose bushes to mask the stench at least partly.

“What happened to you, Dom?”

Most of his anger vanishes at the friendly question because he realises Sledge is at least taking him seriously. “Mark was supposed to watch her but when he drove James to our meeting point, she must’ve escaped somehow, so I, being the upstanding citizen that I am, immediately decided to return her first. The fucking bitch disagreed, though, and so I spent two hours chasing her through the arse-end of the world. I got stuck in five barbed wire fences, landed in two puddles of mud and fell into sheep shit once, not to mention all the times I stepped in it. I’m battered, bruised and fucking tired of saving your idiot of a dog, Seamus, and if you also try to pin this on me, I’ll let her run to her demise next time.”

Sledge’s lips are twitching. At least someone is getting some sort of enjoyment out of this. “What do you mean, pin this on you as well?”

“None, and I repeat, none of the previous instances were my fault. Fuze shooed her into the workshop, James showed her the chocolate, Mike threw the ball into the river and I’m fairly sure Elias was the one who gave her expired food on accident that one time.” It feels good to finally be able to justify himself, even if he stinks like the worst part of a zoo and must look as if he just lost in mud wrestling.

“Oh.” Sledge examines him with newfound interest which also feels fucking good because Bandit always knew the quickest way to get Sledge to like him would’ve been by playing nice with Diana, but since she insists on being a disastrous brat, there was nothing he could do. He’d accepted defeat. But maybe… “I’m sorry, then. You must really like her if you keep making sure she doesn’t hurt herself.”

“It’s not her, it’s -” Aaaand this is the point where he should really stop talking, snaps his mouth shut with too much force and tries not to wince.

Sledge raises an intrigued eyebrow.

“Look”, Bandit says and has no idea how to even finish that sentence.

“Do you want to take a shower?”

The offer sounds neutral yet he’s pretty sure Sledge knows exactly what kind of implications it has. For the moment, it’s nothing more, he’s taking it at face value, but the fact that he got invited nonetheless speaks volumes. “Yeah”, he replies, relieved, “that’d be great.” And still, his large mouth gets the better of him. “…any chance you wanna join me after I’ve rinsed off all this fucking manure?”

“Don’t get cocky now”, Sledge reprimands him. Still, his grin widens.