#since she hasn't had any contact with her toxic ex boyfriend | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

neonpiegon · 2 years ago

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It's been a good while since I've written about failed relationships.

Last month, I started going out with a girl I've known since highschool. She always had a boyfriend so I had never approached her in the romantic plan, but we started talking through social media as friends, sharing memes and whatnot. We had really great chemistry and eventually we went out on a date.

She was always busy, though. Rarely did she have the time or opportunity to go out, so I took my chance. The date was pretty simple, and conversation flowed smoothly. Nothing sexual happened, or to that extent, even romantic. I went to see her again later in the week. Same situation, but honestly I was already too deep in my delusions of love.

We went out for a third time. I made the bold first move to... Hold her hand, dirty as I am. But again, nothing much went from there. I didn't mind at all, though. This slow rhythm was a pleasant change of pace. But I should have known that it was her setting the rhythm so slow one couldn't even dance to it.

She was planning a trip before spring break, and she was neck deep in work. I went to her house by surprise before the weekend so I could help her out with work and I also brought her food. I was not planning on it being a date, I truly wanted to support her... But she wasn't home. I called her and didn't answer. I received a text saying she was at a girl friend's house doing work and talked no more. To be honest, I was sad, not only because I missed my chance to see her before the trip, but because I knew deep in my gut she was hiding something from me.

From that day and all through the weekend, I received no texts from her. Any intent from my part would result in me waiting over a day for the most dry ass message.

Fast forward to the next Tuesday (yesterday), where I swallow my pride and ask how she's doing. Later, I receive the usual text of being ridiculously busy. I try to waste no time and confess that I'm really like her for a serious relationship but I see no true interest by her side to establish that. Then, she confesses she doesn't feel ready because one year ago she ended a nine-year relationship... And now it all connects. She still maintains contact with that ex and his family, and just kept repeating the phase that she's not ready.

She just won't let go of him. But I say I will support her and give it my all if she also plays her part. Meanwhile, I go ahead and ask a friend of her, the one she was allegedly with when I brought her food, if she's really interest in me or hasn't mentioned me at all and it's just playing with me. I felt immature, as if I was back in middle school. I had met this friend the second time we went out, so I talked to her normally. But that all was a big mistake from my part. She tells me she has not seen her since that first time we met... And I knew the girl I was dating was lying to me. That, or her friend lied to me about not seeing her, for some reason, but honestly that's not as probable because she's not the one who is extending indefinitely a commitment because she's not over her last one and still longs for her ex.

I don't blame her. I still long for my ex from three years ago and we didn't even make it to our one year anniversary. But I felt so angry that she had lied to me. Again, someone playing with me and my feelings because they cannot commit over their past traumas.

Maybe it all could've worked out, with enough time, but that part where I asked her friend about us made her upset, saying I'm toxic and it reminded her of another one of her exes, the one she doesn't miss. I agree, though. That was toxic of me, but I didn't care anymore because I was ready to let her go. I don't want to be anyone's fifth choice, don't want to be waiting forever for a person who loves somebody else, and I definitely don't want to be with a liar. And even if, by chance, it was all a misunderstanding and she was not lying, she still grasped strongly to the memory of her ex, and I could never compete with that. I'm sad because, as always I jump head first into this pool of illusions when there are no signs or guarantees that it is reciprocal, and I have to work on that. Plus she gave me barely any attention at all, letting me know she didn't care about me; but I'm glad that I'm realizing that my mind, body and sould are all tired of begging people to love me, because that will never be love.

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