#sighhh in the way that since I was young I've been told and have learnt that emotion is weakness and I am to not show sadness and upset
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Prolly gonna sound rlly scummy of me but ARGH 😖
These days I can't help but think I'm a nobody to everybody. And that'll never change cause everyone proves this sentiment in their little actions. And I forgive and reassure them so they don't feel bad but it sucks. And idk how much longer I can take this treatment. I feel like over time I've slowly but surely grown a tiny bit bitter. It hurts to see people having the ability to converse so easily, whilst me, struggling to be transparent even with the people who are meant to be my closest, because I fear frustrating them and annoying them, all of such claims having basis, at least in my head. And every time I see such positive interactions of course I'm happy for the person but I can't help but wander what on earth is wrong with me and why it's almost a sin for me to have those things too, and why I am eternally stuck in this useless position of pining and obsessing and loving so deeply when others cannot give me even 0.5% of the love that I give. Or why I have to humiliate myself and beg for it when worst comes to worst and I'm at my breaking point ( which mind you I have a waaay higher tolerance to peoples demonic treatment towards me than the average person ) and even then I get cussed out for speaking out even though it's painfully obvious ( either I verbally express how deep my pain is or I show it ) how much pain I am in, but either way even then I get the short end of the stick. Then I'm forced to carry the broken pieces on my own that they smashed even more, even when I need psychological evaluation because their behaviour has lead me to such a breaking point I might as well be thrown in some mental institution.
#giving up seems so freaking attractive sometimes#sorry about this#it's like I simultaneously want someone here for me but#the thought of them being too close hurts and gives me a lot of pain and discomfort because this all is foreign to me#even though I would never brush someone aside if they're close to me when I'm in an avoidant state#having a messy messy disorganised attachment style plus self awareness is such a loosing game#.tt#here I am sprawled on my bedroom floor contemplating how trash life has treated me and continues to treat me and not going to bed#it is 12:01 am rb#rn *#I honestly feel like a man too#not in the trans way I genuinely like being a girl but#sighhh in the way that since I was young I've been told and have learnt that emotion is weakness and I am to not show sadness and upset#because that's shameful#look who's struggling deeply now and is being made fun of it simultaneously#I swear why can't I stop being a coward and just kms fjieeism
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