#shoutout to my physics teacher though he was so kind so patient

[thebrowngirlstakeontheworld]

Nobody’s Mama

Quick Author’s Note: The purpose of this post is not to stomp on anyone’s baby dreams. Have babies. Have lots of babies. Matter of fact, MAJOR shoutout to all of my friends who are already parents! You are all so amazing, and I love watching your little ones turn into little versions of you. Keep doing your best and being your best. I see you. I also know there are women who really desire to be moms, and I think that’s amazing. The purpose of this post is to show that there is another group of us. People ask me all of the time why I don’t want kids, and it’s such a complicated answer. But know that I’ve thought about it, long and hard. Motherhood is a special calling and not everyone has it. Read on only if you’re interested in knowing a little bit of my journey. 

Now. It’s my turn to briefly answer the most frequently asked question brought to me weekly: “Do you want marriage and/or kids?”

STORY TIME:

eX: Can I talk to you about something?

Me: Sure

eX: Let’s have a baby together. You’d be an amazing mother. I’d be a great dad. We can have a child together and coparent like all the trendy people.

Me: Absolutely not.

THE END

I don’t have it all figured out. Yes, I’m 30, and I’m just chillin. Vibin. Coastin. And that’s ok with me (after having several panic attacks and temper tantrums the past couple of years). By nature, I’m a planner. However, God doesn’t let me plan my life which is soooo unfair. I have absolutely no control. I mean... if you do have control over your life, more power to you.

Like every “grown” daughter who hates when her Dad meddles in her life, I, too, hate when God changes the plan… but I secretly like it because it’s always better than my plan. It’s like a little game we play, me and God. I tell Him everything I have planned, and He counters it. Today’s area of discussion: Marriage and kids. I used to be annoyed by the fact that I couldn’t just marry Idris Elba or be an assistant to Oprah or be a mom by 25. But there is a rhyme and reason for everything I suppose. 

Today, I’m grateful for all of the things I didn’t receive as a part of my plan. All of the things God has protected me from. At 30, I’m nobody’s wife or mother which is such a blessing. I used to long for motherhood, but then I became a teacher. And I realized raising children is hard and being in partnership with another adult (their parents) is even harder. So many ideas and opinions on how to raise children. Oh and these personalities. Some kids have these wild personalities that they can’t even control. I would get kicked, bit, punched, and more by CHILDREN and I used to always think… “What if this were my child?” And people who aren’t in classrooms love to comment that it wouldn’t be my child, but they can’t guarantee that. Every year that I taught, I saw an increasing number of violent children who exhibited behaviors that they couldn’t control. With each case, my baby factory closed it’s doors a little. 

Through it all, teaching taught me so much about who I am and what kind of parent and wife I’d be. I’d be one of those parents who pours out her entire life into her child and husband. I’d be attentive, supportive, chef, maid and all of that good stuff. And not out of obligation, but because I’d want to. It’s in my nature. Nobody told me to skip lunches as a teacher or get to school 30 minutes early or leave school an hour after it was over or call parents with updates on their kiddos or teach while allergy season almost took me out, but I did it because I understood what was at stake. Their futures were in my hands. I’d give anything to make sure my kids were successful because that’s how I was with my students. If you remember, I was unhealthy as a teacher. I’d gain weight off and on due to all of my emotional eating and looked visibly tired all the time. I lived and breathed my students and their families. Nobody was pouring into me or breathing life into me besides me. So then I realized THIS is why I’m not a mom yet because God’s like...  you’d be miserable and would run yourself into the ground. Parenting is freaking hard. People always say it’s better when it’s your own kid, but I just don’t believe it. Imma still be pouring my soul into it and not do anything for myself.  

People often try to “get” me to change my mind because of how “motherly” I am. I get it. I am nurturing, caring and kind, but aren’t we all? So just let me walk in my current truth, I do NOT desire a child and/or childbirth at this time and that’s ok. Yes, part of that is fear. But a major part of that is when I see my future, I don’t see any little people. It’s not like I have this giant empire that I need to pass down or anything. I have just enough for my little life to be as wonderful as I want it to be. And I just can’t afford kids. I don’t know where y’all be finding this money from, but I ain’t got it. Plus, my mom still asks me to text her when I get home safely after a night out with friends. Ain’t nobody got time to be that worried about an adult!

So the children conversation has been officially shelved until God shows me otherwise. I think I’ve done my part as it pertains to the whole child-rearing thing. I got the chance to impart wisdom and “mother” over 100 children. I’m an auntie to my godbrother’s son, and I’m a spiritual godmother to my friend’s sweet baby girl. So I may not have gotten to be a physical mother, but I’m ok with being a teacher-auntie-godmom figure because I get to work through the ratio in which I was pouring out. Instead of pouring out 100%, I pour out about 28% which... I know... would probably classify me as selfish. Not the negative kind. But the kind of selfish that makes each day worth living. I wake up praying and reading. Because I have time. I get to cook 2 meals for myself almost daily. Because I have time. I work out. Because I have time. I get to work around my own schedule and follow my dreams. I get to be unapologetically me because I have time. Reclaiming my time has been my mantra in my late 20s and early 30s, and I’m doing just that.

There’s also the giant elephant in the room of my own childhood that I would have to unpack before even having children. My family life was amazing growing up. BUT my social/school life was THE worst. I was chubby, a loner, and a loser for most of elementary school and middle school. I left high school with three friends. Alienation and bullying is something I dealt with and is still happening in schools. I wouldn’t even know how to address it with my own kids. My sister has always been my best friend. She didn’t have a choice. I had no one else. She used to tell me that it was surprising to her that I didn’t have low self-esteem. And the reality is that I really went through those school years thinking I was great and that everyone else was just confused and missing out. Many of my classmates were rude and cruel. My mom used to tell me they were jealous of me which is why they were so mean. As much as I’d love to believe that raising my kids to be vegetarians and pumping them with organic food, would make them less chunky and more cool, I know that there’s a solid chance that they could still be mistreated. I don’t desire for my children to live on an island of one in school, where they love themselves but nobody else likes them. I don’t want them to be social outcasts. And if they end up with my dashing good looks (in which society doesn’t deem as beautiful… darker skin, natural hair), that’s a whole other battle. Will my daughter have to deal with people not thinking she was good enough? Will she be single for most of her life because of beauty standards? I literally have zero positive date stories to tell her from my time here on planet earth. ZERO. Well actually, maybe one from the Cayman Islands, but that’s it. Having a daughter would horrify me because I know all the effort my family had to put in to prove to me just how wrong culture is. I’m exhausted just thinking about it.

On the partnership thing, I’d like to get married one day, but I’m not rushing it. I like my schedule and routine, so I don’t mind holding on to it for as long as possible. It would be nice though if I could have a late 2020 wedding. I never thought at 30 I’d be this single… like… not even in a serious relationship, single. But honestly, I haven’t met anyone worth interrupting my life for. So until God Himself sends a man in my direction, I’m gonna keep double dipping my spoon in the peanut butter jar because I can. 

I didn’t come to the marriage and kids conclusion by osmosis because like I said...I’m a planner and both were in my plan. But since my perfectly imperfect man wasn’t gonna just appear, I had to think about what I could control…which was my attitude towards not being married. There are many many MANY pros to my current lifestyle (which I tell y’all about often), so I had to rejoice in that! When life gives you lemons, you mix it with tequila and add some sugar on the rim and have a party! Because lemons aren’t even a bad fruit. I love lemons! 

I had to stop thinking about all of the things that didn’t come to pass and change my posture to gratitude. I started thinking about all of the things that have happened without me really working hard. The things that were just in the plan. I thought about all of the amazing opportunities that happened because my young, wild, and free lifestyle was open enough for them to happen. So instead of dwelling on what could’ve been, I get to wait patiently on what will be! I get to be spontaneous and live life with my amazing life planner, GOD. 

I shall talk more about career and general adulthood realizations later. This was already way longer than I wanted. The moral of the story is... life plans change. And I may end up married with 5 kids. Which I’d be open to. It just wouldn’t be my first choice or fifth choice. And I’m having an actual anxiety attack thinking about it. But who knows. So just leave me alone and watch what happens. *cues up God’s Plan by Drake

Love you for reading! 

Let your light shine today.

Shanda B.