#should i tag this internalized transphobia or is it just insecurity

[eddiethebrave]

🩷 part four

one two three

334 words

About halfway into the movie, Eddie pulls his face back the tiniest bit and Stevie doesn’t notice until the boy is nuzzling her like he had as a joke earlier, except he’s not joking anymore. Stevie can feel his lips pressed to her skin. It isn’t a kiss, per se, but it isn’t not a kiss, either. His cold nose makes her want to squirm away, but she’d rather die than do that, so she deals with it until he warms up and then it’s just perfect. 

Stevie squeezes where she’s still holding onto his forearms and Eddie freezes minutely, not knowing it was a stay right there squeeze and not a what are you doing squeeze. Then, she starts caressing his skin with her thumbs soothingly, and he relaxes with a small sigh.

Stevie hums in approval when he snuggles in closer and she can feel his lips lift into a smile. 

He’s so sweet.

It’s another ten or so minutes before either of them moves again.

Stevie’s been apprehensive since the thought first crossed her mind, but after thinking about it non-stop since they’d cuddled up, she decides to just go for it. 

She, ever so slowly, begins to trail her hands lower on Eddie’s arms until finally, she reaches her destination and untangles his hands - he goes easily. She lays her own over the backs of his and intertwines them. 

Stevie’s heart is in her throat. No way Eddie’s reading this as platonic cuddling anymore, and that’s because it isn’t. There’s a loud voice in her head telling her to stop stop stop, that it isn’t safe, but she ignores it because, besides Robin, no one has ever made her feel as safe as Eddie does.

Still, she’s waiting for him to pull away, or something equally as detrimental, but he only holds her tighter. 

Even then, although she’s enjoying herself, that voice comes back. He won’t want you once he knows what you are. 

The rest of the night is bittersweet.

taglist

@jaytriesstrangerthings @wheneverfeasible @chameleonhair @yesdangerpls

[neworleansspecial]

Summary: An instagram post Marjan makes is interpreted as a coming out post. This was not her intention.

WC: 1.6k | AO3

Warnings: Internalized Homophobia

This is quite possibly the worst outcome Marjan can think of. She posted the roller derby photos because her feed has been quite dead since the whole “cancelling of firefox” thing that happened. It’s something non-controversial, and she loves to show off her brilliant team mates in the way that she assumes most people feel about their friends. She wants the world to see these talented, confident, beautiful women the way she sees them. Marjan spent a few minutes meticulously tagging each member of the team in the photos she posted, lining up each black bar with the correct face. She figures it’s a good appreciation of these women.

What happens instead of her friends being showered in compliments is speculation Marjan could have never, ever predicted. She knows that many of her fans are gay, particularly gay young women. Young lesbians. It’s a fact that she keeps in the back of her mind for no reason at all other than to just know it. This majority, however, make themselves known in the aftermath of the photos being posted. 

Marjan reads a comment that simply states, “ONE OF US! ONE OF US! ONE OF US!” followed by a bunch of heart emojis and wonders what it means. One of what? She scrolls through the thousands of comments on her post and tries to make sense of them when she realizes the error she’s made. 

The team photo on the first slide was when they all went to pride together, since most of the members of the roller derby team are LGBT+ and wanted to go as a group. Marjan went as an ally, but failed to clarify this point when she posted it. The thought smacks her in the face. 

People think this post was her coming out.

And it’s too late to take it back, but Marjan deletes the post the moment she connects the dots. Her first thought is for her family, who follow her on instagram. Her mother. Her siblings. They likely already saw. Marjan can just imagine the horror in her mother’s voice over the phone, asking Marjan if it’s true. One of her little sisters is still in high school, she could get bullied if anyone thinks that she might be related to a gay person. It’s going to be a disaster. 

“Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit!”

“Marjan?”

She looks up to see Mateo peeking into the bunk room. He looks concerned. 

“Cap sent me to get you for dinner. Are you okay?”

“It’s nothing,” she lies, quickly putting her phone into her pocket. “Paul cooked, right? So it should be pretty good.”

Mateo easily moves on from his first question, chatting about the salad he helped make to go with dinner, and Marjan is able to just nod along to his words without really paying attention or responding. She’s in so much trouble. The last time she checked, there’s already a handful of articles about her photo. People know. It’s only a matter of time before everyone she’s ever met to know about the alleged coming out. Just thinking about it has Marjan’s eyes stinging with tears. 

By the time she sits down in her seat at the table, she can feel all their eyes on her. Being calm and collected is kind of her thing, and she feels so unbearably seen right now, in ways she’s never wanted to be. They all wait for her to speak, but once they realize she’s not going to on her own, Paul reaches across the table to take one of her hands. 

“Marjan, what’s wrong? We’re all here for you.”

She glances around at them. They could dismiss her in disgust easily. But she knows TK is gay, and everyone seems okay with it. At the very least, she knows TK won’t let them say anything too bad about the situation. 

“I posted some roller derby photos, on instagram. Um, one of them was from pride.”

Mateo’s face lights up. “That was such a cool day! It was my first time going to pride, since I wasn’t, like, out before. I can see why you’d wanna post those photos.”

“People think it was a coming out post.” She glances around the table to see neutral faces. “They think I’m gay.”

At that, TK stabs his fork particularly hard into his dinner and shoots a look at her. “And what’s wrong with being gay, Marj?”

His words get Mateo’s attention, honing in on the hurt and the concept that Marjan could be something less than accepting. Mateo’s self-discovery of bisexuality is recent, recent enough that he’s still rather insecure in his open identity. She doesn’t want him to think she cares about this sort of thing, even if she kind of does. But only when it’s her. Other people can be gay, or bi, but she knows it’s not something that’s allowed to her. Her family would be devastated.

“Is there something wrong?” Mateo asks. 

Marjan rushes to say no as Judd lowers his head and folds his hands like he’s praying. 

“It’s not that, it’s just… I…”

“Are you?” Paul asks.

Everyone’s attention snaps to him, and then to Marjan. She can almost feel the blood drain from her face as they all turn with the same look on their face, the same question. It’s all a given what they’re asking. What they want to know. She can’t handle their rejection for this. 

“Marjan,” he says gently, “it’s okay if you’re LGBT. You know that us, of all people, are going to love and support and defend you no matter what.”

Marjan stands up from the table, her chair scooting back loudly. “I need some air.”

She all but runs to the stairs, hopping down each step to get to the doors on the first floor to the cool outside air. It’s a relief against her suddenly flushed cheeks. She knows she can’t be gay. It’s not allowed. She had a fiancé for most of her life. It was always a given that she’d marry a man, one of her family’s choosing, without much of her say in the matter. Of course she could veto someone, or say they weren’t right for her, but the fact is that her husband was always going to be chosen for her. There’s been no room, no time, for her to consider any other romantic pursuits, especially with a woman.

For the very first time, Marjan allows herself to think about that. About women, and the possibility of being in a romantic relationship with a woman. In her mind’s eye, the woman is generic. Dark hair, big eyes, soft skin. There’s no face, just the imagined feeling of curves under her hands, perhaps the softness of a breast pressed to her palm. Thinking about this for the very first time as a possibility overwhelms her with its suddenness. She feels especially guilty when the imagined woman begins to take the shape of one of her friends. This isn’t right. This is perverse, an intrusion, worse than peeping. 

She feels sick to her stomach as she sinks to sit against the wall. This isn’t okay. She should’ve never posted that picture, and then people wouldn’t be saying these things about her. If they never said those things, she wouldn’t be having the most upsetting realization of her life right now either. 

Marjan isn’t sure how long she’s sitting out on the asphalt before Paul comes out and joins her, taking a seat at her side. His warm shoulder meets hers in a silent comfort for nearly five full minutes before he speaks. 

“I was already an adult when I realized,” he says to her. “I didn’t ‘always know,’ at least not in my conscious mind. It wasn’t until I was already out in the world as a firefighter that I truly realized who I was, and that was really scary. I had a long road ahead of me, with a lot of self-discovery, and I had a lot of people to tell. I was terrified.”

“How did you know?” Marjan asks. “That you really are trans?”

Paul sighs. “I didn’t. I questioned it a lot when I was first beginning my transition. For some people, they just know, and they have for a long time, but I was both certain that I was a man and worried that I was doing it for attention. It was hard. I went to therapy for a long time, to understand myself and to help me do what was best for myself. I had a lot of internalized transphobia to work through. On top of that, I had thought I was a lesbian for a long time before I realized I wasn’t, so I kind of understand what you might be going through. Questioning your gender and your sexuality are really similar in a lot of ways, but incredibly different in others. Regardless of your journey, Marjan, whether you’re straight or not, it’s going to take a lot of reflection. All of us here at the 126 have your back. If you need to listen, or talk, or just be distracted, we’re all here for you. We love you, Marj. I love you. And if you need anything, I’m here.”

She leans into his side and he puts an arm around her for the closest approximation of a hug they can manage while sitting side-by-side on the ground. Marjan knows she has a long path ahead of her of understanding her sexuality, and not just in terms of orientation. What she wants in a relationship and how to have one are things she doesn’t really understand yet, and that’s something she’s going to have to confront to move forward in her life. She’s scared of what it means for her future. She’s scared of what her family will think. She’s scared of what the world will think. But as she sits beside Paul, it is clear that there are people who are going to support her no matter what. 

With that, she may be able to learn this about herself.

[arialerendeair]

hey so about that recent anti fanon alec post you reblogged, i doubt people who hate fanon alec actually seek out and read fanon alec content. i get why you said "don't like don't read" but the thing is, nobody tags "fanon alec", which is unfortunate but just a fact. the op of the post did tag "anti fanon alec" so i don't see why you had to add a rant to their post? they added a tag so people could avoid the content, unlike most if not all people who infantilize alec.

Here’s the thing, though, Nonnie,

I didn’t reply to that post because I thought people needed the reminder to just, in general, don’t like, don’t read.  I did it because people need to not spout random characterization hate like that that people could internalize and decide not to write as a result. 

No one should HAVE to tag with “fanon Alec”, because honestly, all of our interpretations are fanon Alec.  (I mean if you really want to go meta on it, the TV show Alec is also a fanon Alec, so, you know...)  It’s not unfortunate, and people shouldn’t feel like they aren’t writing “canon” Alec, because “canon” Alec is entirely up for interpretation. 

Here’s why I responded to that post - because other people are going to see it.  Because people who write Alec a little bit differently, or have their own versions of Alec that they write that could be considered “fanon” could see that... and decide not to write it.  That happens.  Hell, that even happens OFTEN. 

You think I randomly found that post?  No.  A friend had found it and was feeling insecure as a result of it.  THAT?  I consider it unacceptable and that is why I made the comments I did.  I will ALWAYS do that.  Because I don’t think anyone’s “Hot Take” should make another person feel guilty or bad about their writing, and I will defend that with everything in me. 

Just because they added the tag - doesn’t mean it doesn’t impact other people, and I hope that what I said?  Undid a fraction of the damage posts like that can do to writers.  Also, nonny?  The people who “infantilize Alec”?  Grow up. 

People learn to write by projecting themselves onto characters.  People learn to cope with things by projecting themselves onto characters, or the emotions of others so they can learn to process them. Even if people are purposefully trying to “infantilize” Alec (which again - is an interesting verbiage choice), that’s their right as writers. 

There’s no need, EVER, to spread any sort of hate in the fandom, that makes writers feel guilty for what they are writing. 

(Barring, of course, critical (not hate-driven) conversations about things like homophobia, transphobia, racism, etc. I’m referring to characterization-specific hate, which this DISTINCTLY qualifies as.)

So once again - putting a “tag” on it - doesn’t keep it from doing harm, upsetting, and disheartening authors.  Posts like this still get seen because they are shared in a public forum.  Which is why I fight back against them, in a public forum, just as hard. 

Have a nice day, Nonny, and please keep your opinions on “infantilizing” characterizations to yourself in the future where they won’t discourage and upset other authors.  Cheers!