#shit I didn't realize how much I wrote I was just rambling to Emilia when all of this happened

[fem-castielnovak]

I want to talk about storyteller!Cas who knows all these legends and lore and can talk for days about the things and people he’s seen over the millennia. Who loves history and knowing firsthand how humans have grown in intelligence and ability and how their interactions have changed with society even as it all tied together. Humans tell stories; it’s what they do, it’s how they communicate and Castiel appreciates that on occasion he gets to participate in the storytelling firsthand. 

I like to think about Cas making friends in Purgatory, too. Even as he tried to remain a hermit. Maybe he found himself stumbling onto a camp of lesser supernatural creatures who couldn't tell he was an angel. And maybe he was so starved for contact that he didn't think anything of pausing to rest with them, and then they convinced him to join their group because there's safety in numbers (lesser supernatural creatures try to follow this code in the predator-filled forest) and because he's a good storyteller. So he makes friends with them and travels with them for weeks, able to easily get them to continue moving away from Dean. Until they stumble onto some Leviathans who slaughter everyone except Cas because Cas is the only one who can manage to get away. He makes the mistake of making friends one more time before realizing that the leviathans will always find him and always slaughter his companions. And that's when Dean finds him.

Now please consider storyteller!Cas in purgatory, newly happened upon by Dean and his vampire buddy. It would take a few days for them to adjust to being together as a group, and they'd talk about what they did in their separation but when Cas mentions the storytelling part, he's mildly surprised when Dean shows interest in it. He knows Dean's forte is myths and lore but they've only had a few conversations about it. The next day, as they're traveling, Dean sniffs and sighs, breathing in the too cold air before asking, "So, Cas - what do you know about Purgatory?" "You might want to narrow your question," he responds and gives a wry glance which Dean returns easily. "You're familiar with Dante's divine comedy, yes?" "It's been years since I read it through but yeah." He turns to the vampire, "You ever read it, Benny?" "Can't say that I have." "'S a good story," Dean says, looking forward once more and nodding to himself. "The stories recorded by Dante are more artful and of course, twisted to rhyme,” Cas intones, “But the overall themes and concepts as well as the cyclical nature of it all stands true." "So was God really a reading rainbow?" Dean asks with a grin. Cas squints at him, "I assume you're making a reference by twisting Dante's portrayal of the Devine, but no, God was and is not to my knowledge a book surrounded by refractions of light. Man made in his image is closer from what I understand. Dante was never actually permitted to see God,” he adds, “that was just the way he processed what he was presented with." "So what actually happened?" Dean asks. And his voice intones that he is ripe to hear the story in its truth; Cas soaks in the moment and then begins to speak. Over the next few days and nights he tells them the whole tale. Benny and Dean ask questions that keep him on his toes and keep him talking because it means they're still interested. Sometimes they're interrupted by fighting or hiding in silence and the topic might change in/because of that interim, but Cas's companions would always bring it back to the story of Dante and Virgil and Dante's search for Beatrice.

So Cas paints this picture of words. And he revels in the way his telling of this story can visibly evoke emotion in his companions and keep them interested enough to ask questions and make commentary that provokes thought and discussion. And Cas gets caught up in the characters; discussing who they were in life and why it was important that they meet Dante and how they interacted in the story. And Benny, romantic that he is, asks about Dante's relationship to Beatrice, which of course raises Dean's own questions on the matter. ((in reality, Beatrice and Dante had a great meetcute but Dante was creepily obsessed with Beatrice for his entire life even after she died so I rewrote it and romanticized it like he does in his books)) So Cas describes Dante and Beatrice's relationship. "In the stories," he says, "she is a beatific character because of her name and because of the way Dante almost idolized her. In reality, she brought light and love to his life; and eventually she would be what connected him to Paradise. They were childhood sweethearts and circumstances dictated that they couldn't marry but they remained in love with one another and were the closest of confidantes - best friends when they were not allowed to be anything more. When Beatrice died, Dante was desolate. His potential is formidable though, and he was sent a *dream vision* of the afterlife in three parts." "Isn't that the thing where writers use dreams in their writing to talk about stuff - knowledge - that they supposedly they can't realize when they're awake?" Dean asks, then snaps his fingers and points at Cas, "Beowulf." "Dream of the Rood is the more popular example but yes, dream visions were popular storytelling devices in the time of Beowulf." Dean nods and Cas goes on. "The purpose of his dream was to impart and spread the knowledge he learned. Getting to see Beatrice at the end of it was just an incentive. As the three of us are well aware, the journey through the afterlife is not an easy one." Emphasizing his point, Benny and Dean both nearly slide down a sudden slope that cuts off part of the path. They recompose themselves and Cas turns back to the path ahead of them, "Dante was the only one deemed talented and dedicated enough to reach the end goal." "He was //that in love with her?" Benny asks. Cas nods. (^that never sent earlier)Last Tuesday at 1:49 PMfem-deanwinchester"They meant the world to each other. Virgil made it clear that Dante would see her again in heaven at the end of his life, but it wasn't enough. Which, again, was the point of sending him rather than someone else with his talents. But it's still beautiful to think about." Dean's gone quiet, but Cas keeps talking about Dante's struggle through the afterlife and how the clearly outlined and ordered trials of Purgatory were presented to him in a specific manner so as to appear ordered and were, in reality different physical and metaphorical monsters to be battled. "Virgil was charged with protecting Dante and illustrating the lessons he was meant to learn. It was a more difficult job than one might think, because the whole time, Virgil kept having to reassure Dante that they were in fact on the path to heaven to meet Beatrice. Dante seemed to think that the lessons were merely a diversion along the journey to reunite with his love. He did learn them, though, and after a time was even able to assist Virgil in battling the physical monsters, not just the metaphorical ones." "Wait, go back a minute," Benny actually stops in his tracks to say this, and Cas thinks he might be about to prop his machete up in the ground. "Are you tellin' me that there's a way to get to heaven from Purgatory?" "Well, firstly this was something less than a physical journey to Purgatory, and secondly there were special circumstances where a portal - not unlike the one we're heading to - was opened for them to travel through. The original illustrations for it are beautiful in the books." "So, can't your Angel buddies come scoop us up and get us the hell out of here? Swing low sweet chariot?" Cas resists the very telling and human urge to clear his throat, "The politics of heaven have changed dramatically in the past four years, let alone the past four hundred." "Is that a no?" Benny asks expectantly. "That's a no," Cas tells him dryly before turning back around to start walking again. They get through what little they have left to discuss of the last Le of Dante's journey through purgatory but get interrupted just as he enters the garden of heaven. The battle is short work but night falls quickly in the land of gods and monsters. Finding territory that isn't hunting grounds or camp grounds for anyone else takes what little time qualifies as sunset and then they're building a fire with the driest logs they can find. Benny has a little bag of purgatory-herbs he tosses into the fire; the scent and heat-light combination help deter other monsters from bothering them at night, although in especially dangerous territory, patrol shifts are necessary. Benny shoves a pile of leaves together and lays stretched out on his side while Dean and Cas lean up against trees on opposite sides of the fire. It gets too cold at night for any of them to get more than a couple of feet away from the flames so they can still speak in low voices (both for polite reasons and so they don't attract unwanted attention). "So, what happens when he finds Beatrice?" Benny asks. Dean scoffs because he's started making fun of Benny about begging for bedtime stories each night. Cas doesn't mind though, and he can tell Dean like it too. He thinks it makes them both feel normal for a little; humans have always been storytellers. "Dante, even though he was prepared to find her, was still shocked to finally see her after so long. So he stood still for a  moment, called out her name and stared as he took her in. She smiled at him with the grace of a soul content in their afterlife and they embraced," Cas likes to embellish sometimes because he can tell what his audience wants to hear, but he can picture this perfectly.

"The trip through paradise was a lot of standing around and explaining and peeling back veils and dimensions and layers of enlightenment. Beatrice held his hand and stood close to guide him through it all. She played her part to perfection by imparting knowledge and truths to Dante so without sparing comfort." He can hear how grandiose he's getting but there's real poignancy in this story. He goes into detail about what it was she told him and why it was important and talks about it for a while but when he catches sight of Dean stifling a yawn, he promises them that tomorrow, he'll describe the unseeable and celestial dimensions and beings that were partially revealed to Dante. Benny grunts goodnight then rolls over and starts snoring softly. Cas watches him for a moment and can feel Dean staring at him from across the fire. Cas musters himself and turns to meet his gaze. The fire feels too accurate, crackling between them as they stare. Dean seems too lost in thought for his first words not to be a diversion; "You're a fantastic storyteller, Cas. I get why Sam would sometimes come outta conversations with such a big nerd boner.” He tries for a grin, “When we're done with Dante's Bible study you should let me pick your brain about other types of mythology." Cas holds their locked gaze but he remains silent. Dean sighs. "I figured it out," he says, serious and resigned. "You're my Beatrice." Cas glances surreptitiously at their snoring companion. "Doesn't matter if he's awake or not," Dean says, catching him at it, "Pretty sure he knows already, anyways." Cas takes his time bringing his eyes back to meet Dean's. "What I want to know," Dean continues, "is when you figured it out." He waits a beat, "How long have you known?" "A long time." "Your narrow and specific time frame is appreciated," he says, and Lord have mercy on Castiel - Dean hasn't been this rudely sarcastic to him in ages. He'd thought they'd gotten past that. "Not as long as the feelings have been there but not less than two years." "Jesus," Dean mutters, "and you didn't think to mention this to me?" "I didn't think you'd want me knowing." "For future reference, you having knowledge of my incredibly personal secrets is something I'd like to be discretely," he delivers a knowing look with the emphasis, "made aware of." Cas waits in case he has anything else to add. "Duly noted." "...So there's not a different, more personal reason you didn't say anything?" Cas lets confusion color his expression. "Like pulling fucking teeth," Dean sighs and then in a voice riddled with sarcasm asks, "Are my advances wanted? Is this terrible pining one-sided? You're my Beatrice, but am I your Dante?" "Dean-" Cas starts, but cuts himself off with a sigh and sudden avoidance of his gaze. Dean gives him a generous minute. "Cas." he prompts. "Do my feelings offend you?"  he asks with careful, patronizing enunciation.  "No." Cas responds, but even he can tell that Dean is going to need more than that. "They're returned." He forces himself to look across the fire once more. "Returned?" Dean asks, nearly incredulous. "So- You feel the same way about me as I feel about you?"  "That's usually what's meant when-" "Cut the crap." "So, you get to be sarcastic but I don't?" "Cas, you literally just told me you were in love with me." "Thank you, I'm aware." "Jesus," Dean swipes a hand over his face but lifts his face. "So?" he asks quietly. "So, what." "So-, so- are we gonna do anything about this?" Cas hesitates, "I wasn't sure you'd //want to do anything about ... this." "Cas. Buddy. You're the one holding all the cards here. What is it that you want?" But Cas isn't thinking about what he wants. Or he is, but only in the peripheral sense of the way Dean is involving it in their conversation. What he's thinking about is how Dean feels and what he's going to feel when ... at the end of the day they can't be together. He's thinking long-term about Dean's abandonment issues but he's also thinking about Dean's issues with rejection, and what sort of story/out Cas can create that Dean will buy into and accept. He's trying to find a middle ground that isn't a ... a fucking purgatory of emotion (he wants to roll his eyes at himself and the English language for that). "Is it... is it a good idea to start something here? Now?" Dean stares again, "Cas, if you felt about me how I felt about you-" "Dean, I want this. I also don't want anything to spoil my chances with you. This ... this, with you doesn't feel like a risk. It feels like an inevitability. But I want you to be safe and I don't want you to be hurt."  Dean frowns severely, "And what?" he asks rhetorically as he moves to stand without warning. "Being around you constantly - which is something that will continue to happen - spending all this time together, knowing we want each other but not doing anything about it," he begins to slowly round the fire, "is supposed to, what? Protect me? How?" he asks, crouching down to sit beside Cas who stares into the fire. He lowers his voice, "I know you're aware that that doesn't make sense. You're just afraid. So either give me a real reason, or kiss me." The words are phrased lightheartedly but his expression is confrontational. Cas takes his sweet time before looking away from the flames. Dean is close enough to share body heat. His face is open and searching, and Castiel can only think of moths batting at lampshades and turtles following the light of the moon. He leans in swiftly - time will only make him doubt himself and he wants to be allowed to have this. Their lips meet and break. 

They kiss for a long time. 

Dean slowly, progressively tangles their bodies together until they're horizontal and slack-mouthed. "Didn't wanna sleep alone tonight," Dean mumbles, nuzzling into the corner of Castiel's shoulder. “Glad I don’t have to.” Cas hushes him and rubs a soothing hand across his back. Another pretense. But Cas knew what was coming. What is coming, still. He knows what's going to happen; at this point it's just a matter of how long it lasts. Because Cas has told Dean how the story plays out, and it was written five centuries ago. He's played by the rules; Dean's had his warning. And if he can't see what the end means, well... It's just another game Castiel has to play to execute his escape and get Dean safely back home. He wonders what they'll talk about when the Divine Comedy has wrapped itself up; thinks about how he's going to finish the story tomorrow. He's said everything in fullness. But the part he's going to have to be careful about, is the analysis of the ending. Because no matter how much either of them wanted it, Beatrice couldn't come back with Dante.