#shes replaced all of the stuff he took with pink things and it makes me sooo happy to see

[muppetsnoopy]

glowing <3

[willowsnook]

Fake Love Triangle (LN & FC) 18+

lando norris x reader, franco colapinto x reader

for my friend @a-beaverhausen

"Come on, baby, give me one more," Lando cooed at you as he drilled into you from behind. Your face was smashed into the pillow, your body slumping as your third orgasm came over you. He chased his own

high, spilling into you before pulling out to lay next to you.

"I needed that," he sighed, pulling you into his side. You rested your head on his chest, agreeing.

"Me too. This stuff with Logan is stressing me out."

You were in your third year as a strategist with Williams, and this season had been rough—though so had last year and the year before that. You and Lando had been hooking up for the past season, using each other as a stress reliever, which worked for both of you. He wasn’t interested in a relationship, wanting to keep his focus on the championship. He was amazing in bed and a good friend, but you just weren’t interested in him romantically and never really had been. There was an understanding that your private activities didn’t mean anything, and either of you could end it whenever needed.

"I’ve heard you guys are replacing him," Lando mentioned, combing his fingers through your hair.

"Yeah, it’s being announced in the next couple of days. We’re bringing in a younger driver from our academy."

"Hmm, that'll be interesting."

You lifted your head to give him a look. He knew what this would mean for you and looked at you with sympathy. Looking over at your phone, you groaned at the time and moved off the bed, putting your clothes back on.

"I need to actually get a good night’s sleep before tomorrow, and your snoring prevents that, so I’ll see you around," you teased, grabbing your things. Lando pouted, but you paid him no mind.

"Good luck, and text me if you need me," he said playfully, and you shot him the finger before leaving his apartment.

----------------------------------------------------

Landing in the UK the next morning, you were exhausted, still not getting good sleep even without Lando's snores. There was an all-team meeting at 10, followed by a strategy session. You were a zombie during the meeting, barely paying attention as they announced Franco as the new driver.

Walking toward the conference room, the new driver fell into step next to you.

"Hola, hermosa," he said, smirking at you. "I'm Franco."

"I know who you are," you replied, laughing as you took in the Argentinian man.

"Just wanted to make sure. You didn’t seem like you were paying much attention back there," he teased, and you rolled your eyes.

"How would you even have noticed? There were so many people in there."

"I always notice the most beautiful woman in a room," he flirted, and your cheeks tinted pink.

"Are you really flirting with me right now?" you questioned.

"Only if you like it," he said with a wink, holding the door open for you.

This was going to be an interesting working relationship.

------------------------------------------

You quickly grew accustomed to Franco's flirting, which became part of your working routine, though you didn’t pay it much attention, considering he was like that with everyone.

Standing with his PR manager, who looked like she was about to pull her hair out, Franco strolled out of the interview room, his eyes lighting up as he saw you.

"Can you stop flirting with the reporters for five minutes, please?" she complained, and he shrugged innocently. She turned to you, "I don’t know how you put up with it."

"He does it with everyone, so I don’t think much of it," you said, and Franco frowned.

"Yeah, but it’s different with you, cariño," he said with a pout, and you gave him a quizzical look.

"How so?"

"Because I actually mean it with you," he said, and his PR manager pushed him away.

"No relationships with staff! Get away!" she shouted, and he winked at you before retreating to his driver’s room. You looked at her amused, contemplating his words. You had been finding yourself giddy around him and missed him quite a bit during the long break before Austin.

The two of you texted regularly, and you had grown to really like him, which Lando teased you relentlessly for.

Speaking of Lando, you were standing in the hotel lobby in Brazil when you felt two arms circling your waist.

"I need your mouth badly," he whispered in your ear, and you leaned back into him.

"I only have 10 minutes before I need to meet the team for dinner," you replied, and he pulled you toward the elevator.

"I can work with that," he replied, smiling as you rolled your eyes. "I have to take advantage of this before you finally give in to Franco."

"It’s not like that," you mumbled, waiting for the doors to open.

"Yeah, yeah. In the three years I've known you, I haven’t seen you smitten with someone like this before," he teased.

"So, what should I do? Go from master to his protégé?" you joked, and Lando giggled, pulling you into his room. His lips met yours in a soft kiss.

"I don’t think there’s anyone else I’d be happier about breaking us up than him," he confessed. "Now, knees, baby, please."

Grabbing a pillow from his bed, you knelt down, pulling out his already hard cock, the tip glistening angrily.

"What’s got you so worked up?" you asked sultrily, running the tip of your tongue around the head.

Lando took a sharp breath before replying, "I just need to settle my mind down before tomorrow."

Hollowing your cheeks, you took him entirely into your mouth, running your tongue around him lazily. His hand grabbed a fistful of your hair as he pushed you to take him all in. Whimpering as he hit the back of your throat, the vibrations caused him to gasp.

Looking up at him with watery eyes, he seemed to get even harder as he stared down at you.

"Fuck, you look so pretty like this," he rasped, and you pulled off, kissing down the side of him. Your hand took over for your mouth as you moved to kiss his balls, sucking gently.

"Let me take over, please," he begged, and you smirked before nodding. His cock found its way back into your mouth, and his grip tightened, starting to face-fuck you. Tears now leaked from your eyes as you gagged against him. His pace became sloppy, and it wasn’t long before you tasted him finishing in your mouth. You pulled off, swirling your tongue around the tip one last time, causing him to wince.

"Little minx," he muttered, and you smirked, getting up. You fixed your hair in the bathroom and bid Lando goodbye, wishing him luck for tomorrow.

Arriving at the team dinner, you slid into a booth next to Franco, who stiffened. You gave him a curious look, but he wouldn’t meet your gaze; that continued for the entire night. No flirty comments, nothing—just silence, and you were beyond confused.

Finally fed up with it once you both made it back to the hotel, you turned to him.

"Is something wrong?" you questioned, and he looked at you nervously, as if struggling with what to say.

"I just think we should keep our relationship strictly professional," he said firmly, and you were floored.

"You’re the one that flirts with me," you exclaimed, and he sighed, looking around as if for an escape. "What’s wrong with you?"

"Look, I really look up to Lando and respect him as a driver and a friend," he started, and you began to realize what was going on. "He’s a lucky guy."

"Franco—," you started, but he bolted, slipping into the elevator just as the doors closed. Unbelievable. Lando’s words had convinced you to give this a chance, but instead, he ended up being a cock-block.

-------------------------------------------

Lando was amused the next day during the drivers' parade, watching Franco fidget nervously beside him. Deciding to put the boy out of his misery, he turned to him.

"Can I talk to you about something?" Lando asked, and Franco’s eyes widened as he started to babble.

"I’m so sorry, mate, I didn’t know she was your girl, or I never would have talked to her like that. Just a silly crush, I promise—I’ve never touched her," he rambled, stopping when he noticed Lando giggling, clearly amused.

"She’s not my girlfriend," Lando told the poor rookie. "She’s one of my best friends, and yes, we occasionally 'help each other out,' but it’s nothing more than that."

"Oh," Franco said, relieved. He smiled at Lando nervously. "So, she doesn’t like you like that?"

Lando shook his head, grinning, "Nah, she’s into someone else. Someone new to the grid."

Franco blushed, understanding Lando's words, and smiled to himself.

That was the last time he smiled that morning, as he crashed into the barrier in the early laps of the GP.

With two drivers out, you took off your headphones, sighing as you moved back into the garage to wait for the car’s return. Franco made it back first, and your heart broke as his tear-filled eyes met yours and he hesitated nearby. After last night’s conversation, you weren’t sure what to do, but when his eyes stayed on yours, you took the risk and wrapped your arms around him.

He buried his head into your shoulder, and you rubbed his back as he cried gently. His red-rimmed eyes met yours as he stepped back, and you felt your own eyes watering.

"Can I see you later?" he asked softly, and you nodded, promising to text him your room number.

--------------------------------------------

You had just put on your pajamas after taking a long, hot shower when you heard a knock at your door. Franco stood on the other side, dressed in a casual T-shirt and sweats.

"Hey," you greeted him softly, opening the door wider for him to come in. He stepped in and grabbed you, but instead of a hug, you felt his lips on yours as he softly gripped your jaw, holding you in place.

It was a lazy kiss but exploratory, as though he were trying to learn every part of your mouth. Breathing hard, you rested your forehead against his as he smiled gently at you.

"Can you stop fucking Lando now?" he asked, and you giggled, pulling him into another kiss.

Moving to the bed, you slid under the covers, pulling them back for Franco to join you. He pulled off his shirt first, and you shamelessly checked him out, much to his amusement.

"Like what you see, hermosa?" he teased, and you met his gaze, smirking.

"As long as it’s only for me," you said, letting a little bit of vulnerability show. He smiled at you, climbing into bed.

"Only for you."

Snuggled into Franco’s side, you watched TV together.

"Feeling better after today?" you asked softly.

"Yeah," he murmured, "Just a little scary. Not as scary as Lando asking to talk to me though."

"How'd you even know about me and him?" You asked curiously, no one knew how far your friendship went.

"I saw you last night before dinner," he admitted. "My heart shattered into a million pieces."

"You are so dramatic," you laughed. Your hand was resting on his abs, gently tracing the skin there as you talked.

"We're going to have an issue if you keep doing that, mi amor," Franco said breathlessly, and you smirked, trailing your fingers closer to his waistband.

"Y/n," he breathed out as your hand dipped underneath his pants. You palmed him over his boxers and he whimpered before pulling you on his lap. Meeting his lips in a deep kiss you ground into him, both groaning out into each other. He threw his head back against the pillow and you took the opportunity to latch your mouth to his neck, sucking harshly.

Franco pushed his boxers down and you shimmied out of your shorts before sliding back and forth on his length. Moving his hands to your hips he stopped you and lifted you up a little, allowing you to sink back down on him.

You gasped as he stretched you out, throwing your head back. Franco was in heaven staring up at you and was doing everything in his power to not make this end early. You had started to move but his fingers dug into your hips.

"Just give me a second, okay?" He rasped and you smirked down at him before fighting his grip to grind onto him. You shrieked as he flipped you over, never leaving the inside of you.

"Think you're funny, huh," he said as he moved more quickly. Groaning out, you wrapped your legs around his waist as he rammed into you over and over.

His head dropped to your shoulder, and he bit into your skin, causing you to cry out and dig your nails harder into his back. One of his hands came up to your breast and his thumb rolled over your nipple and you felt yourself starting to get overstimulated, a tell tale sign that you were close.

"Don't stop Franco," you gasped out, and he brought his lips back to yours, swallowing your cries as your orgasm took over. He followed soon after, collapsing next to you as you both came down from your highs.

Finally catching your breath you felt his arms scoop you up, carrying you into the bathroom.

"What are you doing?" You asked dazed and he smiled down at you.

"Have to take care of my girl," he said and you sighed against him.

It was later when you were snuggled up against Franco, watching a movie when your phone went off. You rolled your eyes smiling as you saw the text.

LN: so no more head??? ;)

[sehodreams]

ever since i read ur drabble abt riize buying reader in a market...I HAVEN'T STOPPED THINKING ABOUT DARK!WONBIN AND HIS PET 😫😫😫 driving me crazy fr!!! can i req for a wonbin punishing pet!reader when she acts out/tries to escape or some wonbin and pet!reader headcanons? either one wld be amazing 😍😍 thank u sm!!

TW and tags: p in v, no condom, dubcon/noncon, slapping, piss kink, pillow humping, name calling, chocking, squirting, dark!owner!Wonbin.

Hahaha here are some headcanons, hope you like them!

Wonbin loves when you humiliate yourself, I can see him giving you a pillow and ordering you to hump it until you cum, watching you tearing up of how good you feel and how ashamed you are is one of his favorite things.

He bought the cage after the third time you tried to escape and now everytime you act up he just has to look at it for you to stop doing whatever you're doing and beg for him to forgive you.

He likes to slap you, if you're getting drunk on his cock he loves to see how you clench around him and stop whining about him stopping after he leaves red marks over your cheek, staying silent and receiving everything like a good girl instead.

The first time he put a collar on you was when you tried to escape for the third (and last) time, and he was so angry that he used more force than what he intended and choked you with it until your eyes rolled back and you almost passed out. He took a like for it after that, seeing how you immediately start to drip over him every time his hand grabs the back of your pretty collar or when he takes it off and replaces it with his hand instead drives him insane.

If you act up he'll make you strip down and walk on your own into the cage, leaving you over the cold surface until he feels like it's been enough punishment.

He loves to eat your pretty cunt, he feeds you with really good stuff, all organic and a portion of pineapple every day just to make you open your legs and drink your juices, tongue lapping onto your clit and pussy dripping down your baby pink bedsheets for hours.

He doesn't like fucking you in his bed, he can fuck you in the kitchen, in the living room, in the bathroom and even in his garden if he feels like it, but you'll never cum over his bed with him.

You have your own room that he carefully choose how to decorate, pink ribbons and hearts all around, a big wardrove and the prettiest and softest bedsheets you've ever seen. Also, there's a big mirror in front of your bed because he likes to make you watch yourself when he plays with your pussy or presses the vibrator to your clit, he likes to make you watch yourself squirt too.

He calls you his good girl/angel when you've been good and dirty slut/stupid whore when you make him angry.

He always cums inside, the first time he did it you begged him to pull out and he enjoyed your crying face so much he didn't tell you he had ordered for you to be injected when you were unconscious until you were sobbing and punching his chest telling him how much you hated him, making him laugh at how pathetic you looked.

Another humiliation headcanon is that he likes when he takes your clothes off for you to take a shower and doesn't let you wash yourself until, standing, you pee in front of him while maintaining eye contact.

If you don't finish your food he makes you eat his cum. He simply sees your plate with remaining food, pulls out his cock and makes you suck it until he cums inside your throat and orders you to eat it, "show me your tongue", he'd say to check you didn't leave a single drop inside to spit.

[bluefairyhere]

Afterwards || MGK scenario

¬Colson meets a fan backstage. Pairing->f!reader x colson baker Word count-> 2.0k cw. fluff, some deep convo, fan service, mentions of suicide, swearing.

The noise was unreal. You still couldn't belive you finally made it to kells' concert. It had been an odissey to get enough money to afford the plane and concert tickets, at some points you even wondered if it was worth it. However being here made you have no doubt--It was absolutely worth it.

"Thank you beautiful people for coming today," he practically yelled into the mic, his bright pink hair dripping drops of sweat."I'm afraid this will be the last song of the night."

The crowd sobbed loudly, but the sad atmosphere was quickly replaced with the festival of cords that was the beginning of WWIII. To you it felt like Colson was flying around, his instense energy being contagious to every single fan that was singing along the extravagant lyrics. Everyone was jumping and laughing like one big, jolly being.

Eventually the song was over, and everyone was ready to go back home, but Kells was thinking otherwise.

"Before y'all go back home, the crew and I have one more thing." you looked around just to see excited faces."We've decided to gift a V.I.P meet n' greet behind the scenes to three random people;"

He stepped aside and signaled to the big screens around him, which started showing pink explosions and sparkling silver and black dashes. Then, a series of numbers started to appear—it was ticket numbers.

Your heart was pounding fast, and you could feel the adrenaline pouring through your entire self. You knew it was beyond highly unlikely your number would appear on that screen, yet you couldn’t help but hope…

The first couple of numbers had already been announced, meaning there was only one left. One opportunity to meet Colson left. You knew it wasn’t gonna be you, but even being aware of it didn’t prepare you for the disappointment of realizing the third and final ticket number belonged to the person right next to you. The screen showed the number 118, while your number was 117.

You scowled silently. What a drag. At least i got to enjoy myself for a few hours was all you could say to yourself to make you feel better. You looked to your right, expecting to see the lady excited out of her mind, but she looked quite neutral. Thinking it was odd, you continued gathering your stuff to go back home.

“Excuse me.” You felt a slight pat on your shoulder along with the sound of a voice getting lost in the background noise. You turned around. “I can’t really attend the backstage thingie, I promised the sitter I’d be back home early. Would you like to go instead?”

To say you couldn’t believe your ears would be an understatement. “Sorry?” You said in shock. The lady looking back at you seemed to be in her late 30s, short brown hair and kind eyes. She giggled.

“I realize it’s weird, but I really can’t stay any longer. If you can’t accept it there’s no problem, I’ll just ask someone else.”

But before she finished the sentence you interrupted with frantic nodding. “I’ll take it! It was just so unexpected! Are you really sure?”

“I’m really sure I can’t afford a different sitter right now,” she smiled honestly. “So yea.”

She offered you her ticket and you took it, hesitant. And there it was, the winning ticket—or one of them anyway—in your hands. You felt on top of the world.

“You have no idea how much this means to me, thank you so much.” You said while smiling as well, and she just brushed it off.

“Never meet your idols is something I’ve always firmly believed anyways. Have a good time!” After saying that she quickly left.

It took you a while to get it together. The whole situation felt crazy to say the least. You just knew your friends were gonna be so jealous (in a nice way) and eager to hear the whole thing. They simply were not gonna believe this!

You made your way to the backstage entrance, where a bodyguard and some other staff members were to make sure everything went smoothly. The other two people in front of you, who you assumed were the other winners, seemed to be really excited as well.

One of the staff members explained that each of us would have approximately ten minutes with Colson, in the order the winners were announced. They also gave you some merch, which you naturally loved. You immediately put on a little rubber band around your wrist that came in the carefully organized package.

After some time, it was finally your turn. You were so excited the waiting felt like a blink. The bodyguard walked you through a hallway with a bunch of doors on either side, until finally you reached one that had a piece of paper sticked to it. “MACHINE GUN KELLY”

Your heart immediately skipped a bit, you couldn’t believe you were actually going to meet MGK. Machine Gun Kelly. Colson Freaking Baker. You inhaled some air hoping it would calm you down—of course it didn’t—and the bodyguard opened the door.

There he was. A smoky blunt on one hand and his phone on the other. He wasn’t really sweaty anymore, and his hair was a mess yet his face looked so calm. His see-through shirt revealed his contoured torso full of tattoos. You knew he was tall but seeing him in person for the very first time... he seemed taller than anyone could ever be. Just the arch of his nose and piercing eyes made you feel like oxygen wasn’t so necessary anymore-

“You don’t have to stand all the way there,” his raspy voice took you out of the trance in a heartbeat, which made you a little shy due to your awkward demeanor. “C’mere”

Once again hesitantly you walked a little closer to him, who was no longer leaning against the wall nor unaware of your presence. Colson was standing up—god he got even taller-- and looking at you in a curious manner. “What’s your name?”

You whispered the answer, unable to look into his eyes for longer periods of time than twenty seconds each. He giggled, amused.

“You’re not very talkative, are you?” Now it was your turn to giggle. For some reason his unpreoccupied remark eased you into the moment. “Sorry,” you sighed “college didn’t teach me anything on how to talk to someone like you.”

He walked closer to you and sat in a nearby chair. “Woah, someone like me? And here I thought we're getting along.”

You laughed out loud again and he smiled in return and inhaled the blunt resting between his fingers. Now you were starting to feel actually comfortable.

“I didn’t mean it like that!” You hugged yourself while walking a little closer as well. “I meant someone so famous and admirable. We’re just very different.”

He appeared to think about it for a second and then signaled to a chair close to his with his almost fully smoked blunt, indicating you should sit down.

“I don’t think we’re that different, you and I.” He stated firmly, looking right into your eyes. You could feel your ears burning a bit, but naturally decided to just ignore it.

“We are very, very different…” you began right after you sat on the chair but stopped mid-sentence because you weren’t sure about how to adress him, which he somehow seemed to notice.

“Call me whatever, I literally don’t care.” Usually that sentence would’ve sounded harsh due to its very nature, but coming out of his mouth it didn’t make you feel any of those things. He meant it, he didn’t seem to mind at all.

“Is Colson alright?” He nodded while inhaling the last puff out of his blunt. "ye's fine."

You could feel once again the air filling up with awkwardness, but you weren't gonna let it. It's not every day you get to have a one-on-one conversation with THE Machine Gun Kelly.

"Tell me something about you."You spat before you could think twice about it. He frowned, unsure of what you meant."Tell me something you'd like me to know about you. Something I shouldn't know, or something you've never said to anyone. Tell me something about you." You stared right into his cerulean gaze."Anything."

He laughed outloud, strong peals of laughter filling the room. You wondered how come this was better than all the songs he performed at the concert--the sound of his laugh."What's so funny?"

"You were so shy like a second ago and now you're asking shit like that." He pointed, still slightly smiling. "Why do you want to know?"

"Because I do." You quickly replied, simply. "It's not every day a girl gets to be face to face with the one and only MGK."

Colson's smile became a mere smirk. You could tell he was thinking what could he possibly tell you.

"I make music for myself" he spat suddenly ", not for the fans. For me. The fact that they---you like it is just a plus. It's what helps me sleep at nights."

When you asked him to give you something you certainly weren’t expecting something half as deep as that.

"I guess we never really think you celebrities have demons as bad as that... not for real, anyway. Thanks for sharing that with me, you obviously didn't have to."

"Well, there's not much of a point. Not like we'll be meeting again." As he said this, the realization came down to you. You were not meeting again. You felt your heart irrationally sink.

"Still I appreciate i-" his raspy voice interrupted you before she could finish the sentence.

"Your turn."

"Sorry?"

"Your turn. Tell me some spicy shit about you, something not many people know."

Your mind went blank. Something about you no one knows? You were a rather private person so there were a bunch of things people didn't know, but which to pick? He shared a deep one so it was only fair and right for you to do the same.

"I love when it rains at night." His square-ish smile welcomed the statement.

"Dude, how is that deep?" You breathed in as you took long blinking.

"I was going to kill myself. It was like midnight or something, I had the pills ready and I was lying on my bedroom floor. There's a big skylight on the ceiling, you know? I was about to take them when suddenly it started raining." He wasn't really smiling anymore."And that made me smile. I like night time, and I like it when it rains, so together it's like... I don't know. I love it. And I realized if i did it, i was not going to be able to see the nightsky while it's raining, hear the drops of rain against the buildings and the ground. Nor would I smile again.”

"Now that is deep." He walked towards a metalic table and poured two glasses of what seemed to be gin. He then walked toward you and offered you one."I guess we’re not so different after all… Cheers to that."

You took it while smiling, mumbling "cheers to that, indeed" as your glasses clinked.

"Why did you tell me that?" He asked after taking a few sips. You shrugged and took another sip, looking up into his blue irises and feeling yourself getting lost in them.

"You said so yourself, it's not like we'll ever meet again. Might as well do some trauma dumping." You both laughed at the joke---self-deprecating humor is something you could instantly say you had in common.

"I like you, y/n. We might actually have to meet again." Your heart skipped a bit as he said that. Had you heard right? You somehow managed to keep your cool.

"Why? You just said we were never meeting again." You sighed. "I hope it's not pitty because of what I just told you."

"It ain't. You just peaked my interest. No one'd managed to do that for a while." He stared right into your eyes as he said that. Made you shiver.

"So we meet and what?" You asked, your heart running inside your chest.

"And we have a drink, what the fuck else?"

"Isn't there some rule that forbids you from doing shit like that, anyway?"You asked, genuinely curious.

"Ain't rules meant to be broken?" He answered and smirked before walking to the table once again and refilling his glass. He looked at you and softly swung the bottle in your direction, silently offering, but you shook your nead no since you hadn't finished the previous serving. "So what do you say? Tomorrow midnight at your favorite club?"

[saywhatjessie]

Ringing Up The Lights

Advent Calendar Day 21! (prompts by @raven-cincaide-words) Today’s prompts: Christmas Decorating | New Relationship | Caring Act Fandom: Ted Lasso - Pairing: RoyJamie & TedTrent 1.7k[Ao3]

Was a little embarrassing wanit?

Jamie might have just hired someone to hang his Christmas lights – he was Jamie Tartt, he couldn’t just go crawling around on ladders. He could fall and break his legs! His very valuable legs! But Phoebe had been very excited to help him decorate, saying Roy never let her put too much Christmas stuff in his house.

“I will not have that performative Christian garbage steal focus from my menorah.” 

And, yeah, that was fair play.

But Jamie’s house was fair play, and he was happy to let Phoebe go crazy with the generic garland and tinsel he’d ordered from the shops.

And if she was decorating inside, he had to decorate outside. And he had no idea how to do that. He’d never had a dad to teach him.

So he’d called Ted.

“So you see, that’s why we got the light clips, Jamie! Back in the day we needed to staple these babies to the roofs.”

Jamie pursed his lips. “But wouldn’t that put a bunch of holes in your roof?”

“Yes it would, Paul Rudd! But if you were smart, you’d only nick a couple shingles. Easier to replace if things went south.”

Jamie nodded, mentally jotting that down.

Ted had been dead helpful. Helped him and Phoebe plan what they wanted their lights to look like. Helped Jamie measure everything so they could get enough lights. Told Jamie about the different kinds of lights he could get. Like dangly ones! Or lights that could change colors! Jamie got real excited when he thought about the different styles. It was like playing dress-up with his house.

They’d chosen base pink with rainbow focal points and white accents. It was gonna look fucking sick, Jamie couldn’t wait to be able to do it himself next year.

But having Ted here was actually pretty fun. Maybe he could ask Ted to come over even without helping him with the lights.

“Well that’s that ledge done!” Ted said, from the top of the ladder. Jamie held it steady. “You wanna try to do the next one, Jamie? You think you got it?”

“Yeah.” Jamie said, nodding up at Ted. “Yeah, I can do it. I’m gonna be so good at this decoratio’ shit.”

Ted laughed. “Well I’ll bet, Joan Jett! Let me climb down and we can move the ladder onto the next one.”

Jamie nodded again, moving a bit to the side so Ted could dismount the ladder.

When Jamie got to the top himself on the next ledge over, he got a bit nervous. He didn’t super love heights.

“There you go, Jamie! Just hook your arm around the ladder and you can use two hands. You just gotta get the first two clips and then you can get on the roof and clip them from the top.”

Jamie took a deep breath, working with the clips. His eyes started to blur with how hard he was concentrating on them.

“So, you wanna tell me what you and Roy are doing for the holidays?” Ted prompted. “It’s real nice of you to let little miss Phoebe take over your house like this.”

Jamie laughed. “I had to talk her into the pink, actually. She’s been on a green kick. Getting into lizards.”

Ted laughed back. “That explains why she’s making inside look like Jurassic Park. So much garland it’s like an extremely evergreen jungle.”

Jamie hummed, clipping the lights on the same place he’d seen Ted start on the other side.

“Roy and I are doing Christmas with my parents at my house,” Jamie told him. Because we’ve got the match on boxing day. But Hanukkah is actually the whole week between Christmas and New Year’s this year! So we’re doing eight horny nights.”

Ted chuckled, and Jamie looked down to see him shaking his head. “The natural successor to Sexy Christmas.”

Jamie hummed, biting his cheek to contain a grin. “Jewish people are so wise. All their celebratin’ is in the nighttime. We don’t even have to miss training or nothing.”

“And thank heavens. Just don’t be too sore to play.”

“That’s a little personal, Coach. innit?”

Ted helped his hands, immediately putting them back to steady the ladder when Jamie’s eyes went wide with panic.

Jamie breathed, looking back at the roof to clip the second light. Then he threw the rest of the string on the roof and climbed on after it.

“Ooh, this is mad. I hate this. Why am I doing this meself? My sexy little body’s too valuable to die.”

“You’re not gonna die, Jamie, you’re doing great.”

Jamie breathed again, refusing to stand up. He crawled along the roof like the lizards Phoebe loved so much, grabbing the lights and reaching toward the edge to clip the next one.

“What about you and Trent?” Jamie asked, trying not to think about how high up he was. “What’s the story there?”

Ted hesitated, making a noncommittal sound. Jamie rolled his eyes.

Roy was inside with Phoebe helping her decorate and making lunch for all of them. He was sweet like that. He and Jamie had a good thing going.

Trent Crimm was also inside. He’d come with Ted. For what reason, Jamie couldn’t even fathom. He wasn’t good in the kitchen. He wasn’t tall enough to help Phoebe reach the really high places. He could probably lift her up to reach but that was about it.

Jamie thought if anything Trent would be out here heckling them, just spending time with Ted and watching him with the lovesick eyes he’d been watching him with for years now.

So something was up and Jamie wasn’t above fishing.

Well maybe he was now physically above fishing because he was so so high up. But Jamie was trying not to think about that.

“Come on,” Jamie tried again. “Did I interrupt a date asking you to come here? Sorry if I did. You could have told me no.”

“No, I wouldn’t do that, Jamie,” Ted said, automatically. “It’s really no trouble. And Trent was happy to come along.”

“So it was a date?”

“Uh…”

Jamie looked down at him. His mustache twitched in indecision. 

Was he unsure if it was a date or was he unsure if he should tell Jamie it was a date?

Either way… “Tell me he’s at least told you he’s in love with you.”

Ted choked, looking down. Jamie clipped the next light.

He actually clipped the next three lights, scuttling across the roof on his belly, before Ted answered. “Yeah, uh. Yeah he did.”

“About fucking time,” Jamie said, emphatically. “Did he tell you how long he’s been in love with you?”

Ted cleared his throat. “Yeah. Yes. Yeah he did.”

“Cool,” Jamie said grinning. “Hope you reacted better than Roy did. I told Roy I’d been in love with him since I was a lad and his brain about exploded.”

Ted choked on a surprised laugh. “Yeah, ha, yeah that sounds about right.”

“Not sure why that was a surprise, if I’m honest,” Jamie said, face scrunched in thought as he remembered. “He knew I was obsessed with him. Knew he was my favorite player. Saw the poster in my room. Of course I was in love with him!”

“Well, ah, Jamie, Roy probably thought you loved the idea of him,” Ted said, haltingly. “It’s different to like someone you don’t really know. And then you know them you might be disappointed.”

“Well, that’s a load of bollocks,” Jamie said, easily. He was getting close to the last of his lights. “Yeah, I had a crush on Roy Kent the player. Would wank over his poster as a teenager or whatever, but that illusion shattered when I met him, didn’t it? He was a right prick to me. So then I got to see the real him and love him that way, fucking obviously. And he fell in love with me back because I’m sexy and amazing at football and I’m gonna be twice the legend he ever was. So of course we’re in love and shit.”

Jamie clipped the last light and looked down to see the stricken look on Ted’s face.

And something in Jamie’s head went thunk and he got it.

“Oh, Coach, is that what happened to you? Did you think Trent fell for your yeeha bullshit and he’s not gonna like the messy coach underneath? Because, like, he was there for all of it, yeah? He reported your panic attacks and everything. And he’s a Diamond Dog so he’s been in on all your weird little thoughts and feelings. And like you’re all fit in a weird coach way. And not like Roy’s fit and a coach but different. So like he’s definitely in love with you for you. And he’s Trent Crimm, he’s got the sexy reporter thing going and he called you on your bullshit immediately which I know you liked and he’s still got all that earnest enthusiasm you have so of course you’re gonna fall in love with him back.” Jamie shrugged – not an easy feat when he was still belly down on a roof twenty feet above Ted’s head. “‘S not that complicated.”

Ted looked up at Jamie like Jamie had been speaking Mandarin – like Ted wasn’t quite getting it – but Jamie had to get off the roof now. He could let Ted figure shit out when he was safely on the ground.

“Ted, can you hold off on an aneurysm until I’m down the ladder please? Or maybe get Roy?”

Ted just nodded, stepping away from the ladder and running into the house.

Jamie sighed, shuffling back to the ladder as he waited for Roy to come out.

Roy lumbered outside, looking around before his eyes travelled up the ladder to find Jamie.

Jamie waved.

“Oi!” Roy said, immediately grabbing the ladder. “Come back down here, you muppet, you’re too valuable to fall off the roof and die!”

“That’s what I said!” Jamie called. “Please just hold that still, I’m coming down.”

Roy grunted. “Wanna tell me why Ted and Trent are making out in your kitchen?”

Jamie laughed. “I think I’m a love psychic.”

“You’re a bellend,” Roy replied easily. “But I’m happy for them. Trent was getting pathetic.”

Jamie reached the ground, turning to grin at Roy, still standing very close. “Not like us.”

Roy rolled his eyes but leaned down to kiss him. “No, not like us.”

[yourghastlycloseness]

wikipedia articles sometimes have the best pull quotes

this one’s on lolo ferrari

She had 22 enlargements, which is a Guinness World Record.[9] The Guinness Book of Records (2003) indicates each of her breasts weighed 2.8 kilograms (6.2 lb) and contained three litres of saline.

She wore a specially engineered brassiere. Her brassiere measurements have been given by various sources as 58F,[10] 54G,[11] although these measurements appear false, as breasts of similar size have a bra size of around 36T or 36MMM. The breast implants themselves were reputed to be designed by an engineer who was involved with the design of the Boeing 747.[5]

In interviews, she said about her surgeries, "All this stuff has been because I can't stand life. But it hasn't changed anything" and "I was frightened and I was ashamed; I wanted to change my face, my body, to transform myself. I wanted to die, really."

and these from a guardian article

"For my mouth," she said in 1996, "we removed my Cupid's bow, tucked the mucous membranes up to my nose, and filled my lips with collagen. There's no particularly odd feeling or anything, but I have to put lipsalve on all the time. I adore being operated on. I feel wonderful in clinics. I love the feeling of a general anaesthetic - falling into this black hole and knowing I'm being altered as I sleep."

The breasts went first to 41in, then to 46in. They were desensitised and the skin was stretched nearly to bursting point. Ferrari lived in constant fear, as she mimed her songs and took off her clothes in club after club around Europe, that some madman would jump up on the stage and try to puncture them.

Beyond 46in, it became increasingly hard to find a plastic surgeon willing to take on the job. A couple of years ago, Vigne described the operation that made her a monstrous 54G. "I calculated the volume, the diameter, I drew up the plans and I took them to a guy I know who designs fuselage moulds for the aeronautics industry," he said.

"The designer made the moulds, and I gave them to a prosthetics maker who produced the empty silicone implants. It took a long, long time to find a surgeon willing to perform the operation. He removed the old implants and replaced them with the new. Each one was filled with two litres of serum. A bit later we increased it to three."

Ferrari insisted she was happy with the changes that were made to her body. "Having a big bust comforts me," she told yet another French interviewer. "It makes me more sure of myself. I'm like a transvestite - I've created a femininity that's completely artificial. But I'd like to have even bigger breasts. I can't because there are medical problems - you can't stretch the skin any more."

It frightened her, she said, to think of herself as skin, bone and blood. She wore a ring on every finger and dozens of bracelets and bangles; she painted her long fingernails pink. Her skin was the one thing she couldn't change, so she covered it with jewellery and makeup. If she didn't, she would have anxiety attacks, feeling, she said, that she was suddenly back with her old face.

[f1shbonez]

"Could use the company." (@vastayan--vigilante)

The camp was sleepy, peaceful almost, save for the residual hanging tension in the air. After the first day of being cooped up in Ekko’s room, Jinx’s presence increased around the base. She’d filled her hours with fixing broken hoverboards, talking with Zee, relaying messages to Eve, coordinating a supply run. The usual stuff. 

Everyone treated her as normal…well, the Firelight version of ‘normal’, anyway. Their actions and manner were the same. She’d saved their collective asses, after all! No, that wasn’t it. They weren’t walking around looking indebted to her, far from it. There was just the faintest prickle of unease rippling amongst them.

Sure, whatever. Maybe it was the dark bags around her eyes. Or maybe it was how pallid and sickly her complexion had been the last few days. The darkened veins that echoed the shimmer’s path was probably an uncomfortable sight for some of their ex-addicts, but they’d seen it all before. Same with her eyes, still caught somewhere between blue and pink. Old news. Same Jinx. No need to worry. 

It wasn’t hard to spot Scar, settled a comfortable distance from just about everyone else. Jinx noted the soft glow of amber nestled between the vastayan’s fingers as she closed the distance. The coloured lanterns overhead bathed the dim chasm with warm light, catching unnaturally in her eyes as she drifted past them to sit beside Scar. 

“Me too.” Jinx murmured, watching the firelight bugs swaying in drunken pinpricks of green around the tree. 

After a hair-raising return to the land of the living, Ekko’s condition had stabilised. The sitting still and waiting part had been easy when his life was hanging in the balance. She hadn’t the space to think or focus on anything else. But now he was able to make clumsy conversation and Zee was happy enough with his healing, life was making a tenuous shift back towards normal. 

The closed off safety of Ekko’s room was more stifling now that he was stable. Supporting Ekko didn’t really work from the confines of a room, anyway, and if he was going to stand any chance at getting undisturbed rest (and be incentivised to continue doing so), she had to make sure things were okay outside. Weirdly enough, that also meant making sure the other people were okay. 

The rivers of smoke pouring upward from Scar’s hand were a comfort. From his shoulder Jinx closed her eyes for a moment, letting it transport her somewhere else. Musty old papers. Old leather. Cigars. She took a slow breath through her nose, holding it for a moment in her chest before exhaling in a sigh. The stillness of the evening allowed the scent of the tobacco to hang in the air, a pocket of refuge. 

Half of Silco’s men smoked or drank when they weren’t actively using shimmer. Replacing one vice with another was a practice as old as time itself. It wasn’t hard to tell that the stress of everything; the job, almost losing Ekko, and the shimmer stunt were weighing on Scar’s mind. 

Normally at this time Scar would be inside with Zee and Ahri. But indulging in a vice wasn’t the kind of thing you wanted to do with an audience. Jinx could understand that. He’d chosen to take some distance. Big stoic aloof guys loved that tactic. Even now when he was struggling, Scar’s coping mechanism took him away from the people that wanted to help him- the people he was fighting for. Hey, she wasn’t gonna judge. Wasn’t that half of the whole Firelight schtick? Everyone had baggage. Everyone screwed up. Why else would they all be part of the same club?

“Are ya in the doghouse, or trying not to be?” She probed, kicking out both legs to rest their weight in the heel of her boots.

[cubicle-eyes]

Campus

( I FORGOT TO ANSWER THE OG ASK TO THIS MY BAD )

Anon asked...

" raine x gender neutral reader fluff? any scenario is fine "

On it!

( wdym this sounds like the lumity kiss scene?? 🤨🤨 ur crazy )

" in the afternoon, you're out on the stone and grass. And I'm sleeping on the balcony after class. "

---

"Hey, Rainestorm, you with me?" Eda snapped her fingers in her friends face, making the witch jump.

"Eda! Be quiet!"

"Ohhhh, I get it. You're spying on Y/N again, aren't ya?"

The redhead grinned, putting her hands on her hips and swaying slightly, like she felt very accomplished for knowing that.

Raine was sitting underneath the old tree by the grudgby field, sneaking glances up at their partner as Y/N rest on the balcony of Principal Faust's office. Yeah, being his kid was not very fun. Raine sighed, wishing Y/N would be allowed to come down here to talk with them before school officially let out. Eda took one look at Raine's face and sighed.

"This is all very poetic and stuff, Romeo and Juliet- but I think it's time we played a little more into that fantasy side."

"You're about to get us in trouble, aren't you?"

"Yep! Hold your centaurs, Rainestorm, we're about to rescue your awesome partner!"

Y/N was very easily awoken by the whistle Eda gave, standing in suprise and rubbing their eyes sleepily. Y/N leaned over the balcony, eyebrows raised. Eda was holding up a paper with "DISTRACT FAUST" written across it in bold letters, and Y/N gave her a thumbs up before spinning on their heel and stepping into the office. Faust frowned deeper.

"Dad, two kids are fighting on the front lawn."

"Mm. We'll take care of it. Vice Principal?"

"Yes, Faust?"

"Watch over Y/N. I'll be right back."

He said it like a threat, but Y/N was immune to his cold nature by now. Bump swallowed thickly as the door shut. Y/N rolled thier eyes.

"Bump, you just.. stay in the office, 'kay?"

"I-I'll do what I like, Y/N."

"Okay."

Y/N said it with an almost questioning tone that got Bump nervous, and before he could question them Y/N had slipped back outside, grateful for the fact the windows had thick blinds over them. Y/N leaned over the balcony again, but stumbled back when Raine popped up in front of them, flustered.

"Eda! You did it too early!"

"My bad! Continue on!"

"Raine? What are you doing?"

Y/N grinned, watching the vines creep up over the edges of the stone balcony, pink flowers sprouting and casting their own scent through the air. Raine was standing on a large vine leaf, and they grinned as Y/N took their hands.

"Saying hi."

"You dork. I wish I could just come down there, instead of making you and Eda do.. this. Aren't you scared?"

"Peeing my pants right now. This leaf is NOT very stable. I think if you blew on me I'd completely fall over."

Y/N laughed and Raine grinned, proud of themself. Y/N leaned on the balcony, their faces inches apart. Raine scrunched their nose.

"UH, GUYS? THIS IS VERY CUTE TO WATCH AND ALL BUT PLANT MAGIC ISN'T MY SPECIALTY!"

"Oh! Okay, Eda!"

Y/N shouted, waving. They turned back to Raine, cupping their face quickly to press their lips to Raine's forehead for a quick kiss. Y/N laughed as Raine's glasses started fogging up. They pulled them off quickly, wiping at the glass and starting to ramble.

"T-These things are so annoying! I mean, I almost wish I was blind instead. No, wait, that's not nice. I-It's just bad because it's-"

"HURRY IT UP, RAINESTORM!"

"EDA!"

Raine shouted, shoving their glasses back on their face. The vines started shaking and Eda grunted from below. Raine inhaled sharply. Y/N smiled, drawing their own circle in the air, sneakily replacing Eda's magic with their own. The witch still on the ground flopped backwards into the grass, tired. Raine scrunched their nose again.

"Alright, better head down. Faust will be back soon."

"Oh, fine. Can you still come over tomorrow?"

"So far. I'll see you then, Raine."

Y/N started lowering the vine, but Raine quickly pressed a kiss to their cheek, making the witch falter, and, in succession, the vine. Y/N squeaked as Raine started falling, the vine retracting quickly and into the dirt. Eda reacted quickly, catching Raine bridal-style and making the both of them fall to the ground.

"Sorry!" Y/N called, wanting to laugh, but they'd wait until they made sure Eda and Raine were okay.

"It's okay! Eda broke my fall!"

"I think the ground broke a rib."

"Head to the healing Coven anyways, okay?" Y/N laughed, waving. Raine waved back, staying seated on top of Eda's stomach until she finally started to wrestle them off.

Y/N chuckled to themself, watching their partner and best friend wrestle on the grass playfully, leaning on the stone railing and propping their head up on a fist, crossing the back of their heels.

Y/N couldn't wait for them to cause all sorts of mischief when they got out of this stupid campus.

---

*insert Bump watching through the blinds and sobbing because it was too cute for him*

I like this AND hate this?? I'll fake myself into loving it sooner or later.

💙

[slashingdisneypasta]

Slashing! I just woke up and I have miraculously remembered the dream I had; and I must share with you! It's kinda sad, but also feel-good too? Like in a 'it's us versus the world, and I'm happy that you're the one with me' way.

Alright, so you have that headcannon that Greasy lived on the streets for a while, right? Well, in my dream, this was during that time. At least from what I can tell. Y/N (I say Y/N, but I genuinely don't remember who it was. I don't think it was me, I can't remember if it was you. It could have even been Shiny or one of the other weasels for all I know. So I'm going with self insert) and Greasy are sitting together, in an alley, taking shelter from the rain. I can't remember if they had cover, but I remember that they used a cardboard box as like an arm rest/table between them or something.

Anyways, these two are chatting. About what, I can't remember. But I remember that there was some dry laughter (the kind that you hear and you just know that they're not really happy, they're just trying to find some humor in this messed up situation they're in), before they started talking about deep stuff. Considering the setting, my guess is that they were opening up with each other and/or talking about the lessons and philosophy they've learned in life because of their situation. Which, at least in Greasy's case, it'd probably be something like 'kill or be killed'? Or some other saying that means that in order to survive, you have to use others.

The odd thing about this dream was that I distinctly remember Greasy smoking in the dream too. Not as bad as Wheezy, but I remember so vividly him pulling out a pack, taking one (just one. Wheezy, take notes) cig out, and lighting it up. So I guess my brain thinks younger Greasy smoked XD but I also remember him drinking from a beer bottle at the same time? Not with the smoke, I mean like I remember the same exact scene the dream camera focused on Greasy pulling out the cigarettes, but he instead takes a swig from the bottle, if that makes sense? So idk, maybe my brain realized this wasn't Wheezy, and replaced the cigarettes with alcohol in the middle of the dream XD

But yeah, that was my dream. Greasy and Y/N taking shelter in an alley while talking about life. Idk if this is purely platonic or there was a romance, but either way, I hope you get a kick out if reading this ^^

That sounds like a kinda nice dream actually!! Even during that time ):): (Also by the way I am SHOOK that you took in my background headcanons so deeply that they ended up I your SUBCONSCIOUS!??? WHAT? AHHHHHHHHHH in a good way) Like, 'it's us versus the world, and I'm happy that you're the one with me'- ?? That's soooo sweet 💚💚💚💚💚 Good stuff good stuff good stuff!!

And 'maybe my brain realised this wasn't Wheezy' made me laugh XDD I'm imagining the little men in your brain like this:

Captain Brain: Okay! We need a dream! What are those little creatures she likes?? Lieutenant Memory: The Toon Patrol, sir?? They're weasels. Captain Brain: YES! Those! Okay, chuck one o' those in. The uh- pink one?? Ehh nah not today. How about the green one? Yeah!, put him. The Officer at the Controls: Yessir, you got it. Captain Brain: OH! Make give him a cigerette! They smoke, don't they? I remember they smoke. Lieutenant Memory: Oh yeah, but- Captain Brain: Sh sh sh, I got this. Okay! What next?- Oh lets put 'em in that lovely friends excellent origin headcanon- Lieutenant Memory: Alright alright... but SIR- Captain Brain: I'M BUSY, LIEUTENENT. ~ Several Moments Later ~ Lieutenant Memory: *Writes something on white board very angrily as the Captain wouldn't listen to them* *Shoves it in front of the Captains face, slamming in on the table in front of them* Captain Brain: What?- what?- what is it Lieu- Captain Brain: ... wait that one's not Wheezy?! Lieutenant: WHEEZY'S BLUE Captain Brain: WHAT!? Lieutenent Brain: He w h e e z e s. Because he s m o k e s, sir! Officer at the Controls: *Sighs. This job is not worth the college credit* I'll just stick a beer in his hand and hope she didn't notice...

Anyway, thank you so much for sharing!! I absolutely love hearing about peoples dreams, especially when they were excited about it!! And having Toon Patrol dream is always amazing and fun XD Even with a good helping of angst! XD 😅 I hope you woke up with good vibes though ^^

[timidsteps]

He disappears after breakfast, promising to find her later. Of course, he'd wished her a quiet, heartfelt happy birthday first thing this morning, but that was the extent of any celebrations. He knows how embarrassing it feels when all eyes in the dining room are pinned on you--Mother doesn't deserve that!

Later ends up being nearly lunchtime. Assistant professor life doesn't stop merely for his mom's birthday. Tests need distributing, questions need answering, and adjusted schedules must be cleared.

His smile never falters through it all. Anticipation lends a quickness to his limbs, sprinting for his room the moment he's free of responsibilities. Arms full, he juggles his gifts on the way to the staff room.

"Mom!" Laslow calls, peering around the bouquet of red carnations. "Sorry I took long." He sets his bounty down on a nearby table, shaking out his tired arms with a sheepish glance at the boxes.

He has years' worth of missed birthdays to make up for. Subconsciously, he beings playing with an earring. "Happy birthday! They're a bunch of little trinkets, really. Stuff that reminded me of you." [The boxes contain: a carved figurine of a dancer mid-jump, a new silver headband, some knock-off candy that passes a replacement for the real thing in Ferox, and a handful of new coins for her dancer's outfit.]

One box in particular catches his attention. He grabs it, holding it out with a flourish. "Here, open this one first!" The pink bow wobbles but stays upright.

Two tickets for a traveling musical theater show rest inside. "Everyone I've asked loved it!"

Olivia didn't know what to make with her time here.

She knows that the monastery did, in fact, take the art of dancing pretty seriously. So she busies herself with trying to figure out a new routine—one with her own individual insight and experience to share with the rest of the instructors. One of them in particular, used to be a famous Songstress of the Adrestian Empire- and the dancer felt that there was no way that Manuela Casagranda was past her prime. She was a gorgeous woman, confident and brave enough to use her voice.

Oh, how nice would it be to use her own voice too.

And suddenly, she took a whiff of the color red.

Her lips raised upon the welcomed gift by the door: her precious baby boy. " You didn't have to get me anything Inigo... as ever, you are always too sweet." Just like his father.

She tries to help him handle all these bounties he's gathered all these years- by helping Inigo place them down upon the table. "Oh, my sweet, you shouldn't have."

Had there been roaming red haired lions wandering around, they would perhaps misinterpret the connection of the two situations. However, this wasn't a man just giving gifts to a dazzling woman- he was paying homage to his own mother.

Her eyes are quick to be filled to the brim with tears. There were so many gifts laid out for her upon the table. Too many blessings being bestowed to a mother who didn't actually give birth to him in this time line- but had upon another. Olivia takes her time to process these emotions and expresses her joy for the long awaited return of her greatest treasure.

She struggles to speak in words, but is able to remain present to receive. Opening the box slowly while sniffling- Olivia is ever grateful to become someone who is so loved. This was more than winning a prized lot in life. And even more than just a ticket stub to a show. This was living.

" Oh, Inigo...!" She quickly embraced her stellar star. "Thank you! "

[jodilin65]

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 31, 2016 Took a walk down to the lake tonight, and OMG! I was amazed to find my dream notebook still sitting on the bench I left it on! Wow, huh? The front cover is bent back slightly, suggesting that someone may’ve read it, but that could also be the elements it was exposed to. Moisture in the air sort of warps and ripples paper, not that there’s much moisture at this time of year.

So now what? Drop it in Walmart’s bathroom? The medical building’s bathroom?

The workers are still working at the Twenties, as expected. I’m sure it will go well into next week when I’ll definitely be up throughout most of their time here and escaping to the bedroom.

Just wondering how often these people are going to hire people to do stuff for them, necessary or not. Just because it may be someone else wielding a hammer and not them doesn’t mean I still don’t hear it. I just hope they’re not as obsessed with hiring workers as Jesse was obsessed with doing projects himself.

Amazingly, my ear doesn’t hurt and I’m not dizzy today. At least not yet. Yesterday my BP was normal.

Did some digging by adding a slight twist to my keyword search, and it looks like Molly’s still at Marbridge, after Googling the place and her first name. Found their site on Facebook in which she’s pictured working off-campus at a food co-op. She’s put on a few, but she’s in her mid-30s now, so I’m not surprised. Another decade and she’ll probably be even bigger.

So what, is she going to live there all her life? I still can’t believe she stopped visiting my blog. Or has she? She never seemed to care if I’d see her on my log. If anything she wanted that, so I’m guessing that yes, she finally got sick of me.

So now for a review of my latest goodies. The incense all smells the same and is hard to light. My pressed flower necklace is pretty. The temperature-changing mug is cool. My color-changing lipsticks all look the same. The best thing of all… my new pink vibe hands down. Love how it doesn’t need to be plugged into the wall and how I don’t have to change batteries like crazy.

Just why have I been so horny lately anyway? Hmm… Stacey?

I read, not surprisingly, that the most common sexual complaints from men are cumming too fast or not being able to sustain an erection. For women, it’s a lack of appetite and the inability to achieve orgasm. So does Tom’s dick think it’s stuck on a woman? I’ve come to realize over the years that he may not have as much control over his body as I first thought he might, but I’ll never get what made him the way he was and probably still would be, or how he could be as ok with it as he sure seemed to be. Did not wanting a child make him more ok with it? Or was he just too shy to address it, especially to a doctor? As for why he’s got the problem in the first place… I can only guess some kind of testosterone imbalance.

I’m just glad Tom doesn’t wish he could replace this vibrator cuz as much as I love the hell outa him, I haven’t been attracted to him in that kind of way for many years now and can’t imagine that ever-changing. People really do change with age. And they need variety, even if they don’t actually go out and fuck that variety, and aren’t willing to admit that we’re not attracted to just one person in our lifetime, no matter how much we may love them and be committed to them.

Could I resist if someone I was attracted to put the moves on me? Well, not that I can imagine anyone wanting fat, aging me, but my human side may make that a bit hard to do.

The question is would Tom be too human to resist? I’m 110% sure he’s been very faithful, but I wouldn’t fault him for it if he had a night here and there with someone else just for variety. I know it’s me he loves and me he would always be coming home to, so I would trust him. Honestly, though, I can’t imagine him doing this. When I Skype him, I have no way to know he really is at work, but I trust him and that’s all that matters. If he needs a little “treat” every now and then, he can have it. Really think he’s always had an appetite as dead as mine’s gotten to be with age, though. It’s probably not very common at all, but yeah, even guys can occasionally be like women.

TUESDAY, AUGUST 30, 2016 Felt a little better both physically and emotionally after crying and showering. My head (ear?) seemed to drain like crazy at that point. I’m still sick of dealing with this shit so much of the time. So I feel a little better right now. How long’s it gonna last? My head still feels “compressed,” but overall I’m a little better. I dusted the bedroom and after I ramble a bit in private I’ll tackle the bathroom before I feel like shit again.

Even though I’m sure she’ll tell me it’s just anxiety, I sent this to Doc A:

While anything is better than the hardcore anxiety I had earlier in the year, I have continued to have intermittent lightheadedness and fatigue that is not normal for me, and while I suspect it is perimenopause, it has been very hard and even depressing for me. My bad ear has been achy more often too, and I see my ENT in Oct. For me, these are my biggest concerns right now because while I do not feel that cholesterol floating around in me, I sure feel the lightheadedness and fatigue and wanted to know if you have any natural remedies you might be able to recommend till I see you. Any particular foods? This is extremely frustrating for me, especially thinking I know the cause given my age and symptoms but not knowing for sure. I miss my energy! Not the anxiety, but just not feeling so blah so often. Putting together a list of things to discuss with you, and my erratic period dates and will try not to make you late for your other patients like last time. Any advice for now?

J

What’s gone on with me over the last two years has made me see that some of my old problems that seemed like such a crisis at the time really weren’t that bad after all. I miss the days when my worst problems were wanting what I couldn’t have and being forced to listen to my neighbors. My worst problems just two years ago were mostly earaches, toothaches and occasional allergies and asthma. Now I’ve also got anxiety, depression, sleep issues that have worsened, fatigue, dizziness, heartburn, and God knows what else is waiting for me right around the corner. I still fear I’m going to have one thing after another until I’m eventually given more than I can handle.

MONDAY, AUGUST 29, 2016 For the longest time, I couldn’t wait till Bill died. But now I hear more about him than I did when the bastard was alive.

Went on a duck walk, not wanting to overdo it with the dizzies. It was there on a bench that I left my dream notebook. Will anyone read it if it doesn’t get drenched by sprinklers? I’ll never know. It’ll be interesting to see if I get any local views on Tumblr, though. That’s the only link I enclosed since there’s no identifying info on me there.

I just felt safer, knowing how shitty my luck can be and how I sometimes have to pay for the dumbest things while others get away with murder if it appeared to be left or dropped accidentally as opposed to delivered to someone. I was originally going to slip it in front of one of the houses here. Thought of leaving it in a bathroom in a store or medical building, but some dumb illiterate sp*c janitor would probably just toss it. No guarantees it’d get picked up and read from the lake bench, but at least I’m not “forcing” it on anyone like I was supposed to have done in Arizona. Yeah, I really “forced” them to read my mail at gunpoint, right?

Later…

Even though it may not be nearly as scary as when my heart would race, I’m beginning to fear that I’m going to suffer every day for the rest of my life, and it’s starting to really drag me down into a bit of a funk. This is on top of what we’re now pretty sure is PMS since my boobs are noticeably sorer and I’m moodier. But some of that moodiness is due to how shitty I feel. It’d depress anyone.

I miss the old me. I’d take back poverty over this shit any day. Other than occasional restlessness and upset stomach, that poverty didn’t touch me. I’ve had ear problems for 12 years now, but it’s been way more persistent since around May, plus I’m now having more days than not where I’m depleted of energy and I’m lightheaded. I have to push myself to work out, I have to push myself to clean, and I can’t even begin to push myself to finish my stories.

What’s with all the heartburn lately, too? I looked up an OTC remedy called Prevacid, but as soon as I saw the rare but severe side effect listed of a racy/irregular heart and anxiety, I said no way. Rare or not, I have just as much chance, if not more with my shit luck, of having that as anyone else does.

Anyway, I slept horribly due to waking up a lot and am tired from that as well as PMS and the perimenopause, too. What’s frustrating is not knowing for sure what’s causing what and what to do about it. I think my fatigue and dizziness are the perimenopause and I think my ear is nerve damage, but I just don’t know for sure.

The only thing that shoots down the damaged nerve theory is the fact that it comes and goes. And why would it take 9 years after surgery to become an issue?

Then my mind wanders to other questions… is there really a God up there that might’ve used my ear as a weapon of torture against me? If so, for what? Who did I torture for over a decade to deserve this “punishment?” Oiling it regularly used to help, but not anymore.

If all I had was an achy ear, that’d be one thing. Ibuprofen helps dull the pain. But there’s no remedy for my fatigue and dizziness. No matter what foods or vitamin supplements I try, nothing seems to help.

Fatigue, dizziness, heartburn, earaches… it never ends. I have a few scattered good days in the mix, but not nearly enough. I’ve got some problem or another more often than not.

And now the car is leaking water somewhere, too. Tom ordered some Stop Leak, and I worry about that becoming a big deal and expense. Thanks to me and all my fucking appointments, Tom doesn’t have an unlimited amount of time off.

I just worry that my upcoming PCP, ear and sleep appointments will be a waste of time and money while the dentist visit will just unearth more cavities. As Tom pointed out, my fear of medicine doesn’t help. I want to deal with my issues, but I’m afraid to take the drugs they recommend. I always seem to have side effects that are unmanageable. If something up there hates me that much I wish it would just get it over with and kill me. But I guess that wouldn’t be much fun for it if it couldn’t see me live to suffer. Maybe that’s a sign that the afterlife isn’t so bad after all, if there is one, if keeping me alive is the worst alternative.

I miss Stacey but don’t want to run to her every time I don’t feel well, which is almost all the time now, or jeopardize the friendship I should be smart enough to know we’ll never have. Even Tom said he doesn’t think she had anything more in mind than an occasional phone call and email. This wasn’t the impression I got, but I’ve misinterpreted people before and I realize I could have her all wrong. I’ll just stick to my original plan and call her at the end of the year or the beginning of next if I don’t need her for the shit I’m going through.

SUNDAY, AUGUST 28, 2016 So I’m sitting there looking at my lab results and the range they want you in, and then it suddenly hit me… my T4 is normal. Always has been. Duh! Yeah, that’s how shitty I am with numbers. It’s 1.2. All hell breaks loose at 1.4. That’s when I have the anxiety that goes beyond anxiety and straight into the realm of terror where I’m afraid to be alone and swear I’m about to die. Only my TSH is a bit high. Not sure how one can be off while the other is normal, but apparently it can be.

Anyway, my only real complaint now is that the lightheadedness and fatigue seem to be returning. So am I going to be this way every other week or what?

Sadly, unfollowing the girls isn’t always enough to block their posts pertaining to their shit father from view. Not when Tammy comments on one of those posts anyway. My God, how can she stand to hear/see about him any more than I can? I know she’s more tolerant of abusers than I am, but still… I prefer sites where I have a little more control over what I see and who sees what of mine. True privacy may not really exist, but come on Facebook… do you really have to flag it in front of my face when someone comments/reacts to something/someone I can’t stand?

I really have to break the habit of absent-mindedly clicking onto that damn site. Politics, race, God, Bill… it’s all driving me nuts.

Gotta change the rats’ cage, do some skiing, and hope that the continuation of the Twenties’ project doesn’t wake me up.

SATURDAY, AUGUST 27, 2016 Not surprisingly, Tom can’t smell the super strong scent our latest laundry detergent has left on our clothes, but my bloodhound nose can. I don’t like it very much. I love smelly things, just not this particular smell.

I was shocked to find my lab results have already been posted. My cholesterol is still bad but better, and my thyroid is the same… borderline by their charts but PERFECT for me. Just 2 points higher on the T4 and 5 lower on the TSH and I would have the anxiety from hell.

I didn’t test positive for muscle inflammation. Yeah, that’s because I haven’t been taking the damn statins. I thought it was about time I gave her a heads-up rather than surprise her when I see her. This way we can hopefully save some time. So I told her my cholesterol is better because I made it better, and that I need a break from the medication issues for a while. Also, if I do return to statins I might want to go on Simvastatin because I’m pretty sure I didn’t have issues with that. My problem was the levothyroxine in conjunction with a rapid HR and perimenopause.

Didn’t know they tested for muscle inflammation. That’s good to know if I ever do go back on statins.

She said we’d discuss the thyroid at our appointment, but there’s nothing to “discuss.” I already made it clear to both her and O that 75mcgs is all I can tolerate. For a good long time, I want to go by how I feel and not by what their damn numbers say.

As for the female hormone test results… she didn’t leave any comments on that and I don’t understand what they mean for the most part. But one of them was high, and according to our research, the closer you get to menopause, the higher they go.

I’m 99% positive the Pravastatin did indeed cause the throat irritation she blames on anxiety, but there is the possibility that the fluoride toothpaste we got online could have worsened that. Even Tom stopped using it cuz he noticed it was making his toothache worse.

Nothing’s changed… I’m standing a firm ground and not likely to change my mind anytime soon. I really do need a break from the on-and-off medical drama I’ve been going through the last two years, and I don’t care anymore if Doc A believes me as far as the sore throat goes. I know what’s normal for me and what’s not, and I know what symptoms I usually experience when I do feel anxious. A sore throat isn’t one of them. Besides, isn’t it quite a coincidence that I get a sore throat both times I take the stuff? It’s listed as a side effect, the pharmacist knew what I was talking about when I asked her about it, and that’s that. Again, though, what she thinks or believes doesn’t matter. She works for me and I say I’m not changing my current protocols for a while. I will continue with the same levothyroxine dose and leave the rest alone for now. Then I’ll deal with the cholesterol after I’ve had more than just a few months of serenity.

I did tell her about Tammy (who said she feels the best she’s felt in months now that she’s been stented) but not the details, of course, until I see her next month.

Tammy may be doing better, but Paula’s in big trouble based on the nightmare I had about her. I don’t care what happens to her after the way she dumped me when I told her that staying with us for two weeks, as she automatically planned on doing, would be a bit long for everybody, but every time I would have a bad dream about her, something bad would always happen to her. Every. Single. Time.

In the dream, I was trying to explain something to her that she just didn’t get. Her stupidity frustrated me and reminded me of how slow Andy would be to catch onto things, though Andy was still much smarter than she ever was.

The dream took place in my grandparents’ house. We were sitting on the couch in their den (though they weren’t alive and living there). A guy who was slim but nearly as tall as the ceiling suddenly entered the room from the garage. Just as I was about to ask who the hell he was and why he was barging into the house uninvited, he yanked Paula up with one arm and hurled her into the wall between the garage entryway and the area where a built-in desk was located.

The force with which she hit the wall scared the shit out of me and I turned, ran out of the den, through the kitchen, and out the front door. My goal was to run next door for help, but I woke up as I was running across the front yard and about 10 steps from the road.

I don’t know what shit’s about to hit the fan in her life, but I have mentally dug a huge hole and tossed her, Andy, Nane, Maliheh and Alison right into it. Then I poured gasoline on the 5 of them, struck a match, and dropped it into that hole. Lastly, I have archived them as a thing of the past.

Had another weird dream about dad and his friend Jim, though I never did see dad.

I was in a huge house that seemed to have many bedrooms. My room was at one end of the place. You had to go down a set of stairs that was sort of in the middle of the house and then back upstairs to get to another set of bedrooms on the other side of the house. In one long room with a bathroom at the end of it were two double beds which I knew was my dad and Jim’s room. I also knew Jim’s bed was closest to the bathroom. I heard Jim in the bathroom (though I don’t know how I knew it was him) and hurried out of the room before he spotted me. I was just closing the bedroom door behind me when I heard the bathroom door opening.

Later…

Burke is hiding behind the toilet right now. I forgot about their open backs. I’m never having Amy’s TV dinners again either. I had one and my fucking stomach just had to go on the fritz while he was out. I was hanging on Tom’s bed with him. Not wanting to leave him there when my stomach cramped up, I took him into the bathroom where he ended up behind the toilet. There’s no way we can reach back there, so I might have to terrorize him out somehow. IDK, maybe with bug spray?

Back a little later, and yeah, I had to spray him out. Fortunately, it takes a helluva lot more than that to harm a rat. But he sure didn’t like the smell. So I got him out, brought him home, and now he’s begging for the treat he’s not getting.

We made another Amazon order and I got some weird stuff that oughta be interesting. A 12-pack of mood-changing lipsticks that’s color is based on your body chemistry (shades of reds and pinks). The tubes have pretty follower designs and the lipsticks appear to be in an assortment of colors from red to green and blue to purple.

I also got a temperature-changing mug. The mug looks black and then has streaks of colors when filled with a hot drink.

Then I got a pink vibrator that charges via USB (vibes have come a long way since the ‘80s), and a necklace with real pressed flowers embedded in clear resin.

Lastly, I got a variety of incense and a dozen color-changing solar lights to stake in around the front of the place for decoration. It’s amazing how they need no wiring or electricity.

FRIDAY, AUGUST 26, 2016 Went to the lab and they were just a few minutes late for my appointment. I told the girl up front that she needed to use a butterfly needle on me, and all went smoothly. Now I just have to hope the numbers aren’t too bad.

I’m a little concerned about Tom and his infected teeth. He’s had issues on and off for years and has lost some teeth over the years due to not keeping up on them. He has the same phobia of dentists as I do with eye doctors. I think it’s getting to be time, though, when he really needs to get things taken care of. He’s a little worried about sedation as an adult with a low HR and would feel safer being sedated in a hospital with MDs, not just a dentist. I get his fears. We always worry and hope that the doctors we see really know what they’re doing. I just hate to see him keep suffering.

After the lab, we went to Carl’s and I had more cholesterol than I’ve had in a month, LOL. Damn, was that burger and fries good!

Then we went to Target. I guess 12 is the new 2. It’s frustrating and sad with all the brats that carry on like wild animals in today’s world, and it’s not just little kids anymore. You’ve got tweens running through the stores screaming their asses off. It’s just ridiculous that one can’t even shop in peace anymore. At least not here you can’t. Oh, to move to Maui. :)

Anyway, since he’s working tomorrow and doing the regular grocery shopping on Sunday instead, we only grabbed a small basket of things.

I didn’t find the particular sports bra I was looking for, but I did help an Asian mom who just moved to the US (at least 3 more foreigners to add to the overcrowding and our overburdened resources) with American clothing sizes.

I was also looking for a midi ring yet they had not one single ring for sale in the whole damn store. I was surprised. Of course if I weren’t looking for one they’d have tons of them. Isn’t that how it usually works?

The workers tore the whole front and side off of the Twenties’ place, and let me guess… it’s going to be one or two more weeks that I’ll have to listen to this project? Maybe three? I’m sure God’s making sure they’re here at least one whole week while I’m right smack on days.

Well, at night when it’s more peaceful and there are fewer distractions I’m working on my Tumblr voice blog. It’s been a fun, unique and interesting way of journaling.

I just wish I were a little more awake! I gotta get out for at least a short run and do some core exercises. I didn’t work out at all the last two days and I don’t like to take more than two days off.

THURSDAY, AUGUST 25, 2016 So first I thought Tammy had a heart attack, then I thought she was just close to having one, but today I talked to her now that she’s home and stabilized and yes she did. The heart attack was not only happening when the paramedics picked her up Thursday morning but a few days before this as well.

She had jaw and upper back pain. I remember reading an article about a woman who had these pains and didn’t know why. She kept taking pain relievers to get rid of the pain. She eventually went to the ER and the doctor told her it was a good thing she came in because she was having a heart attack.

As I told her today on the phone, I’ve had a feeling for years now that I would eventually die of a heart attack or stroke as opposed to cancer or an accident or anything else. I’ve also had a bad feeling for her for when she’s around 63, but I don’t have a 100% accuracy rate so that leaves room for hope. Maybe nothing significant will happen to her at that time.

I wonder about those little things we can’t always be sure of, though. At least not unless it kills us. Like that 20 seconds or so of cramps that shot through my left chest last night. It seemed to be behind my boob. At this point, I still think my heart and arteries are fine, especially since the carotid ultrasound didn’t show anything scary, but she urged me to get checked nonetheless. I’ll eventually have a cardiologist to a stress test on me. Heart disease does run rampant in our family and has been the cause of death for almost everyone in the family that I know of. I’d be willing to bet just about anything it would’ve taken out Larry had he not gotten liver cancer first. My problem is that I’m sensitive to medication, so treatment isn’t always an option for me.

Anyway, we were both feeling a little anxious when I called her. Her because she sees the heart doctor tomorrow, me probably because of the perimenopause. It was nothing scary, just a slight elevation being a little over 100 BPM. BP was great today, though, at 115. Tammy and I helped calm each other down just by chatting.

She told me more of what she went through��� how scared she was, how they tried to insert the stents into her wrist but had to go through her groin. How she had a nice view from her private room, but couldn’t get much sleep there because they were always waking her up to do something. A nurse will be going to her house.

It brings tears to my eyes to think of all she’s gone through and she’s not even 60 yet. As she admitted, though, it’s been a scary ordeal. As I tell her, she’s still the stronger one.

She loves the flowers, she told me. She sees flowers like I would see a bunch of perfume or a really nice, realistic-looking doll. It’s a good thing I knew her favorite color is purple otherwise she would’ve gotten rainbow roses. She’d have liked those too, though, and damn was they gorgeous! The only ones I considered ugly were the giant sunflowers in a brown vase that matched the centers of the flowers. White, yellow and orange flowers never appealed to me. I’m more of a pink and purple person with some blues and reds.

Anyway, I’m glad that for right now my worst problem is hammering at the Twenties, and a very definite “menopot.” Seriously, LOL, I have never been this bloated in my life. Any more and I’ll barely be able to bend over. Tom and Stacey may not think so but I think I look like shit. Not the worst in the world mind you, but shitty enough. If I haven’t had a period by around September 10th, though, I’m going to think this could be it.

Hitting the lab tomorrow afternoon and one of the tests will be my estrogen levels. Hopefully the idiots will post the numbers online like they’re supposed to instead of waiting for days and eventually calling me, and I’ll get a sense of just how far into the perimenopause I am, but at this point, I can’t believe I’ve got much further to go… or that I’ll ever be under a size 10-12 again.

Haven’t had any dizziness or fatigue (other than a little fatigue from not sleeping well) in about a week, and I wonder if that one Benadryl was more helpful than I realized. But my ear still aches more often than it should, and I wake up more often than I should, too. Maybe I’ll take lorazepam before bed so I’m more likely to wake up less often. Even if I don’t refill my prescription, I might as well use what I have when I feel I could benefit from it.

I think that pretty much covers everything for now. I don’t care about what my estrogen score is, but I sure do worry about the TSH, T4, and lipid panel. The only one I expect to really flunk out on those is the lipid. And then I’m going to have one hell of a cholesterol-fueled party for a day or two and then jump on the Slim Fast or Special K diet…maybe. I can’t force weight off that my body doesn’t want to give up no matter how much I may diet and exercise.

The Mayo Clinic (or was it WebMD?) recommends smaller more frequent meals for the menopot problem I’m having, but that’s not any easier to stick to than larger less frequent meals. You go crazy with hunger due to the waiting time between the larger less frequent meals as you do with skimpy little meals that are just never enough to fill you up. Oh well. Cheeseburgers first, diet plans later. :)

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 24, 2016 Tammy got the flowers and says they’re gorgeous. I’m glad they made it to her! She deserves them.

Had a near-perfect upper BP number reading at 121. Yes!

Got a lab appointment for 4:00 on Friday. Not looking forward to it and dreading the numbers, as always, but certainly they can’t be that bad. My hair’s growing too fast to be low on thyroid, and I remember phone numbers too easily, LOL. I’m more worried about cholesterol numbers.

Did a 32-min RV walk last night. My HR peaked at 142. The beauty and serenity of the park at night helps make up for the daytime annoyances, and damn are there many! Yeah, it’s not a very thrilling thing having to wake up to tons of hammering. God, I am SICK to death of there being one thing after another going on here! We can’t even go two whole weeks without having to hear someone working on something.

Anyway, they’re repairing the damaged wood that the termites destroyed at the Twenties, and I’m sure next comes the tenting. Then maybe they’ll put up a garage. Then maybe they’ll redo their landscaping… and this is along with what everyone else around us decides to make us listen to. Oh, to live in a place that when someone has something worked on, you don’t have to know about it. A true fantasy, I know.

So glad I got up at 1pm and not 7am. I’m sure the hammering had to have been going on all day. The question is how many weeks with this particular project take?

Right now the only annoyances are the blasting freeway stereos.

I wonder just how noisy Stacey’s neighborhood is. It looks like there would be plenty of screaming kids, barking dogs, and probably stereos, too.

In fact, I wonder a lot more than that. I asked Tom if he thought I’d ever hear from Stacey if she didn’t hear from me first. I personally have my doubts since people don’t usually take the initiative upon themselves to seek me out first. It’s only after I’ve sought them out that I may or may not hear from them. Believe me, a part of me is tempted to listen to my head and forget her since that’s how you get stuck dealing with the Alisons of the world.

But Stacey isn’t Alison. Not even close.

Anyway, Tom thinks that yes, in 6 months to a year, I’ll hear from her.

What I wonder, though, is if I hear from her… how would we work things out? If she wanted a friendship with me, how would we get any alone time? I have no problem with Tom, or even her husband, being around some of the time. But I would like to have her to myself for the most part and I just wonder how we’d make this happen. Other than when Tom works a Saturday here and there or is out running errands, he’s always home on weekends, which is when Stacey’s not working. So would she bring me to her place? And would her husband always be there?

Also, there’s the issue of driving. Driving to pick me up and bring me to her place and then back again would mean spending 1.5 hours on the road. Would I really be worth that to her?

Had an interesting chat with Jen on Facebook. This is the Jen who was just 9 years old at the time I lived next to her and her large family at the NHA projects in Connecticut. The family that drove me batshit crazy with their thunderous noise, that never let me sleep, and that ultimately ran me into the ground both emotionally and physically. The whole place did. Between that and still smoking with bad allergies and asthma, I had a total meltdown and ended up in the psych ward for about a week before my father shipped me to Andy in Arizona. Ten days later I got my own studio and then I met Tom after nearly a year.

Jenny lived with her 3 older brothers and parents at the NHA back in 1992. I was 26 and her mother Barbara was 31. I swear that despite all the complaining I do about any noise here, this place is totally comatose compared to how the NHA was. The walls were so fucking thin that when their phone would ring I would think it was mine.

Despite having only a few years in my entire life where I thought I might want a kid, and mostly finding them to be loud, annoying, uncivilized and costly little brats, I’ve always kind of had a way with kids. They’ve always seemed to be drawn to me. Perhaps because I’m small? Or maybe cuz I like bright colors like they do? shrugs Who knows? Whatever the case, they would constantly be at my door and sometimes I’d let them hang out at my place. Good luck to me as far as getting any peace outdoors, though, for they would be just as quick to flock around me and smother me as soon as they’d see me.

Barbara had a “tough” reputation and when she finally got fed up with me complaining about her and Dave not controlling their unruly brood, she flew over to my place in a rage, but of course I wouldn’t dare open the door. I was in good shape then, yes, but at barely 5 feet, 90 pounds soaking wet, I wasn’t about to face off with one that had a few inches and dozens of pounds on me, especially when I was sicker than a dog. I was exhausted as hell and wheezing my ass off with an asthma attack that soon landed me in the ER.

With my combination of good long-term memory and expert journal keeping, I looked her up on Facebook just for kicks and gave her the piece of mind I always wanted to give the coward who sued a tobacco company for millions when she got cancer of the larynx in the late 90s and had one of those things stuck in her throat. I don’t know what they’re called. It makes people sound funny when they talk. Tammy would probably know what it is. Anyway, I had said something like, “Come threaten this presently fit, muscular, healthy, smoke-free AND fat bitch now, Barbara.”

It was a few years ago that I read about her lawsuit and at first I was pissed. She chose to smoke and got millions from doing it while we lived in poverty for years… WTF?

For the longest time, I always felt that if there was a God up there, it’s always protected my perps by making sure I either couldn’t fight back or they were out of reach to at least try to. They always remained unpunished and karma always seemed to conveniently forget them. But then I realized that maybe this was to protect me. I mean of course if someone robbed me I’d want them to pay for it… but think about it, I told myself. What if you could have taken her that day she came screaming to your door. What would you have done? Well, the answer’s obvious… I wouldn’t have just stood there. I probably would’ve kicked the shit out of her and ended up in jail. Would I harm her now if she suddenly appeared before me? Naw, not without being threatened in some way. Then yes, you bet I’d open that door real damn fast no matter how shitty I felt. The older me gets pissed a lot quicker and easier when it comes to bullies whereas the younger me tended to get scared. Trust me, if Rick and Rosemarie paid me the same visit they paid me in Phoenix, I’d be in jail right now. Same goes for the black bitch next to Tom and I a few years later. Our local crazy war vet was a little scary at times, though, but only at first. Once my fear turned to anger, she was smart enough to back off.

I’ll never understand some people, though. How can you provoke people and then act like they’re the ones picking on you when you finally push them enough to get a reaction from them? Really, I hope no one makes any direct threats or tries to harm today’s me unless they’re either very tough or very armed because yes, I will rip them to shreds in a heartbeat. No more shying away and sending the wrong message. Ok, so there are some limits. If today’s disabled Barbara threatened me, then no. It takes a real coward to attack someone you know damn well you could hurt.

Back to Barbara. Well, today I got a message from Jen and at first she was very defensive and not the least bit friendly. She asked who I was and I told her. She then told me that her mother didn’t remember me. I wasn’t surprised. So many people will make casual threats and then forget all about them and the people they threatened (or sought legal revenge on), but the people they threaten never forget them. Really, I don’t think people realize the magnitude of destruction on one’s life you can have with your quick little fits of anger and your “easy” jabs of vengeance. They get on with their lives while others are left to pay for their actions be it with just shitty memories or a huge loss of money and freedom. Trying to tell these people, “It’s in the past and can’t be undone,” doesn’t always resolve the issue for them and achieve closure within their minds. Sometimes it can be like trying to tell a rape victim to just “get over it.”

It felt good to speak my mind and get things off my chest, as silly as it may seem to some people, and even though it’s ancient history.

They got a kick out of some of the journals I shared from those days and we ended up having a few laughs. Barbara remembered me from my pictures and said I was short and cute, and she kinda remembered the grease fire incident too, LOL. Tammy probably does as well. She volunteered with the fire/ambulance department at the time and heard the call go out over the scanner.

As we were discussing, I think Barbara was worried about me catching Dave’s eye, but honestly, I not only respect other people’s relationships, but I also wasn’t the least bit interested in him. Yeah, I was attractive back in those days. I knew it and so did other people. Stacey may think it a shame that today I call myself fat and ugly, but well, I kinda am compared to then, haha.

Barbara and Jen now live in Florida but Dave’s still up north. We all agreed it was now water under the bridge. There are only about a dozen or so people I could never forgive even with the most heartfelt of apologies and a few of them are already dead.

TUESDAY, AUGUST 23, 2016 Tammy’s home! I don’t know why I thought she was to have a 12-hour operation. Maybe I misunderstood her? The installing of the stents was actually a quick and simple procedure. Sarah updated me yesterday to let me know that she was doing great and able to get around. Hopefully, this will help her to become more active. Being forced to just sit around doing nothing is no way to live. Honestly, I’d rather die than be in a wheelchair for life if those were my only options. Anyway, I guess they placed one stent in in the daytime, then another late at night.

Not judging her way of thinking and believing, of course, but not surprisingly, she’s thanking God for having her saved in the nick of time. Yeah, that’s great if one exists, but wouldn’t it be nice if it stopped picking on her in the first place? You can’t ignore the fact that she’s had one problem after the other and there’s no point in trying to kid ourselves about it or “justify” it in any way like some people would do by saying, “Oh, He’s just testing me,” or something like that. I mean, that was a helluva test! I personally would be pretty fucking pissed if I were dragged that close to death and scared shitless along the way, and I sure was when I thought that was exactly what was happening a couple of years ago. I felt like something was teasing me with life and death and I was like, will you just kill me already if you’re going to?!

She advised me to tell Dr. A, saying it’s something you either have or you don’t… even if you work out. Yeah, I know, but is it what Dad had or could any of it be from smoking? I wonder this and I asked her to let me know when she gets the chance, and how she knew it was time to call the paramedics. I just wonder what her symptoms were. I’m guessing chest pain and trouble breathing but look at me two years ago. I thought I was having a heart attack and needed to call them. Instead, I ended up costing us a few hundred bucks all for nothing. Better to be safe than sorry, but I’d really rather not repeat this mistake.

I intend to tell Dr. A, as I do keep her up to date on the family (what’s left of it), but I’m not worried about myself right now, even if I know no one’s invincible. It’s just that with the way medication and I don’t usually get along, I’d rather die younger than take medication that’s either going to make me think it’s going to kill me or maybe even wish that it would.

Her flowers should arrive tomorrow. We ordered 20 purple flowers in a purple vase since purple is her favorite color. Cost a ridiculous $71, but she deserves it and I know she’ll love it.

The good news is that I haven’t been dizzy or fatigued since Friday. The bad is that it’s been noisy the last few days, as usual. The typical landscaping, traffic and project annoyances. Yesterday it was door-slamming day. Today was hammering day.

Walked outdoors yesterday evening, said hello to Geri along the way, and will probably do the same tonight. I did an office walk. I call each route a different name, depending on where in the park I go and how long I feel like walking. A duck walk is the shortest route we take. Then there’s an office walk, an RV walk, and a perimeter walk. My hip joints have been doing great. I walked for 30 minutes and my HR peaked at 149.

Despite my best efforts at working out and portion control, I’m the fattest I’ve ever been. I now usually wake up at 153-154. I’m sure the 140s are a definite thing of the past by now as me losing 5 pounds is like a young person losing 50. It’s just not going to happen. So I guess in my 30s I could still lose weight. In my 40s I could maintain it. In my 50s I probably won’t be able to stop gaining. I know I’m going to crash into the 160s sooner or later. The question is how high will it go before I die? 160s? 180s? 200? Higher?

I sure have been doing a lot of driving in my dreams lately. I was driving Tom and I somewhere, only the wheel was on the other side like in England. Suddenly, the seat was too far back and my feet could barely reach the pedals. I stopped the car and Tom got out. Then he came around to my side, sure that he could solve the problem simply by placing a wad of Kleenex under my foot.

MONDAY, AUGUST 22, 2016 I might have been mistaken in saying Tammy had a heart attack when in fact she was very close to having one. Either way, it’s a serious matter. Sarah updated me today and said she’s doing well and they caught the two blocked arteries before it could turn into a massive heart attack, but they haven’t put the stents in yet.

I also might be mistaken in assuming it’s what Dad had. According to my research, it could be because she smokes, but we may never know for sure. It’s probably a combination of both.

Tom’s abscessed tooth is infected again and I’m wondering how much time he’s got left before he’s going to have no choice but to deal with dentists despite his phobia. He would opt to be knocked out and have everything done at once.

Rachel suggested I could have leaky gut, something Tom and I never heard of till she shared a link about it. I do seem to have many of the symptoms, but I’m not worried about it right now.

I’ve had two wonderful days without lightheadedness or fatigue, but wouldn’t be surprised if it didn’t last much longer than a week or so if even that.

There is a white pickup and a white van working on something at the Twenties today (probably exterminators) and annoying me by slamming doors. I still don’t understand why people don’t just leave their vehicle doors open if they know they’re going to be going in and out of them. Of course one of them is parked alongside our carport, too.

We headed to the clubhouse last Sunday and were surprised to find both parking lots in front and at the side deserted. So was the pool. That pretty much told us something… that the water was chilly, and it was. We still took a quick dip anyway, and the sun felt so good, too.

On our way there, we exchanged hellos with Jon who was seeing some woman off.

“I always want to call him Mr. Twenties when I see him,” I said to Tom.

“Aren’t you glad I didn’t say, hi Z-man,” Tom said.

LOL, their network handle is that.

Last night I dreamed I was driving a car that got stranded at an intersection. I didn’t have my phone and I tried to wave down the two female cops that passed me, but they didn’t see me. I rolled down my window and asked the guy who walked by if he had a phone and could call for help. At first he didn’t seem interested in helping me and actually seemed annoyed. Just as I was about to cuss him out, he pulled a phone out of his pocket and called for help.

Then I had another dream where it snowed here. A lot. :(

SUNDAY, AUGUST 21, 2016 Started off my day with some very sad and scary news. I’d just gotten up. It was a little after 11pm and I saw I had a VM. My first thought is Tammy when I see I have VMs since I don’t use my phone that often. But since we recently talked I hoped it might be Stacey if it wasn’t a wrong number. Well, it was Tammy only I couldn’t understand a single word she said. It sounded totally under water, but I could tell by her tone that something was wrong.

So I called her back to learn that she suffered a heart attack and is in the hospital. :( It’s been going on for a while, too. They misdiagnosed her, telling her she had pneumonia when all this time it was really massive fluid building up around her heart and lungs. Had they done a chest x-ray, they’d have caught it right away. She’s extremely lucky she didn’t have a massive heart attack. Otherwise, she’s not the least bit lucky. She said something about realizing she was in trouble at 4am and calling the paramedics. I don’t know what her symptoms were but I guess she might have had trouble breathing. Anyway, having a medical background, she knew she was in trouble just by what the paramedics were doing.

She also said something about them putting in a stent due to arterial blockage and that tomorrow she’ll be in surgery for 11-12 hours to drain all the fluid and I’m not sure what else. Open-heart surgery is also a possibility later on.

Basically, it’s the same shit that Dad had and that Larry probably would have had if his liver hadn’t killed him first and that will probably come for me too, eventually.

As we agreed, I contacted the girls and Norma and asked that they leave updates on the feed.

For now, all we can do is wait and hope for the best. We feel hopeful that she’ll pull through not only because she’s a pretty damn tough woman, but because they didn’t do emergency surgery right away. OMG, though. I thought something was picking on my health.

I had no warnings in my dreams. The only dream I had that she was in was at a restaurant. Mom and Dad drove me to meet her, a couple of other people, and Lisa, at a restaurant. Only Lisa was young again, like 9 or 10. Dad was asking me something about what I wanted to eat on the way there. I said something like, “Well, since I recently had that huge chicken dinner you got me, maybe just a few pieces of chicken would be good.”

She can’t be too out of it, though, cuz she just checked into Facebook and my blog as well. Norma and Becky responded to my messages but not Sarah. Wait! Sarah just said she’s doing great, they caught the two blocked arteries in time, and she should be home by Tuesday. That’s a relief to hear!

There I was worried that Bill’s spirit may come after me. I don’t think anyone’s spirit, if they really exist, went after her. Again, if the dead could affect the living, then people wouldn’t suffer nearly as much as they do. Bill couldn’t fuck her up any more than Dad could’ve prevented this if they were out there somewhere. But is there a God that could have? I guess we’ll never know.

It dampens my trust in doctors even more. So often do they misdiagnose people that it’s kinda scary.

This is the kind of thing that makes me want to lash out at Alison for not being there for me, and also go running to Stacey. For now, I’m not going to do anything but wait… and hope…

Tom’s taking a nap now. I had a headache around my eyes and placed a warm cloth over them for a few minutes. These seemed to help relieve the pressure. My vision is getting shittier and shittier.

Back to Aly… yeah, I wanted to blast the bitch, but I’m determined not to waste time on those that don’t give a shit about me. She sure blasted me in my dreams last night and Tom wouldn’t even defend me. I guess she was our neighbor. I accidentally received some torn mail of hers and she accused me of reading her mail when I went to give it to her. She went off on me while Tom just stood there never saying a word. He would probably act that way for real. He never was good at defending me. Just others. I never could figure that out either. As loving, helpful and supportive as he is, he rarely defends me to others, but he sure is quick to defend and make excuses for anyone I bitch about.

As for Stacey… I want to go running to her, yes, but I don’t want to run to her every time something bad happens, and I don’t want to jeopardize a chance of a possible friendship with her no matter how slim or even non-existent those chances may be. At the same time, I realize that as long as I’m seeing her every now and then it doesn’t matter if it’s in her office, here, her place, a store or a restaurant. I’m still hoping I won’t need her as a therapist, and therefore I don’t expect to ever see her again. I’ll probably still call at some point, even if I probably shouldn’t bother.

SATURDAY, AUGUST 20, 2016 So after Alison took a break from Twitter for 5 days, she checks in to follow somebody and then changes her link. Kim did the same thing a day or two earlier. Why the fuck did she ask me to resend my message to her if she knew she was just going to run and hide? I am definitely now as over her as one can get. I don’t need the drama. I don’t need the games. I don’t need the lies. I definitely don’t need to associate with anyone connected to someone like Kim and probably still Molly as well.

Molly’s got to be viewing me under radar. I can’t believe she would suddenly lose interest in me just because I’m not connected to Alison anymore.

But if they were going to hide on Twitter, so was I, and no I’m not going to hunt their latest account down either. I didn’t have any followers they could trace me through, so there’s no way they could find my newest and final account.

So that pretty much sums it up… We’re done. A hundred percent totally done. Where I worried I wouldn’t be smart enough to ignore her if she ever contacted me in the future, there’s certainly nothing to worry about now. I won’t be too nice and too forgiving which basically means being too stupid. I will simply do the smart thing and ignore her.

If I were really smart Stacey would never hear from me again unless I needed her as a therapist. I’m not stupid. I know the so-called rules on me be it happenstance or fate. I know that despite the obvious signs that were there saying that she likes me as well, there’s no way she’s going to be my friend. I’m sure she’s “thought about it” and has decided to remain as professional as ever. Meanwhile, I’m welcome to see her at the office, just like she said, but I really shouldn’t bother trying or hoping for anything more than that.

If she does like me as much as I suspect she might, does she think of me as much as I think of her? If I’ve told a few people about her, has she told anyone about me? I still doubt she’s as into me as I am into her or else she wouldn’t be able to resist checking up on me online, including my blog. Maybe she has and isn’t admitting it, though I can’t believe she’d kid me about something like that. There’s more that suggests she likes me than that suggests she doesn’t, but will she ever act on it? If she does like me but would rather see me at her office than anywhere else, I wish I could know that. I’d see her every few months now that I know she wouldn’t mind, and Tom even suggested this if I ran into trouble again in the future. I just wish I knew what she was thinking in order to plan my next move… maybe. Again, what’s the point?

Today is the best I’ve felt in days. It’s wonderful to have my energy back! I finished the housecleaning and had plenty of energy left over. I definitely have to stop breaking up with the Flintstones. I can still feel fatigued at times even on vitamins, but I think they really did make more of a difference than I realized before I stopped taking them.

I don’t even feel light-headed. The lightheadedness and dizziness seem to go hand-in-hand for some reason. Not knowing how long my energy will last; I’m definitely going to make the most of it. This means we will probably be going swimming this afternoon regardless of any brats that may be there that aren’t supposed to be after 1pm.

Part of why I feel so much perkier may be that I slept so much better last night. I almost always wake up several times, but I didn’t last night. Perhaps that’s because I indulged in lorazepam before bed for the first time in a while. This was due to having trouble sleeping.

Blood pressure was 122/77 yesterday and I didn’t have a fever, even though it is possible to have an infection without a fever. When my back molar got infected that the county quack pulled, I had pain but no fever.

Got some more energy-boosting foods like apples, peach parfait cups, and spinach, but thanks to Rachel, I was reminded that some of those foods block thyroid hormones, so I have to go easy on certain foods. Especially with labs just 10 days away.

FRIDAY, AUGUST 19, 2016 I haven’t been writing much because I’ve been feeling so shitty. I almost called Tammy to bitch about it, but she has her own problems. It’s getting to be more and more of a struggle for me to keep up with my daily activities. I have to stop and take breaks a lot, even when there’s so much work to be done. It’s all the more reason I want to slap those that bash homemakers. It is a huge HUGE job as there is always so, so much work, even when there are just two of you.

I feel like my health is going down the drain fast and I don’t know what the hell to do about it. I have labs in a couple of weeks, then I see Dr. A after that, but I don’t know if she’s going to be able to help me or not. No matter how much sleep I get, I’m horribly run down. I’m dizzy, I’m warm, I’m feverish, and sometimes my heart races and I have the runs. Well, not totally the runs but kind of in between, as gross as it sounds.

Same thing happened today. I was tired and dizzy as usual, but I also felt warm and flustered with an HR between 110-116. Also felt a bit weak and winded, but then I hit the toilet and I felt a little better afterward. Still a little run down and lightheaded, but a little better.

I just wish I knew what the hell was causing this. We’re still leaning towards a combination of perimenopause, PMS and allergies. I wondered if my high BP could be a factor, but there have been times when it’s been low and I still felt dizzy, and then there’s been times when it’s been high and I didn’t feel dizzy. We’ve ruled out an infection as being likely since some days are better than others, and infections simply don’t take a day off. I just hope it’s nothing serious. I know I have to die someday anyway, but I would still prefer another 20 or 30 years of life.

My upper BP was 158 two days ago, but it was 134 yesterday, and that’s the lowest it’s been since we started monitoring it.

“You’re stronger than you think and more capable than you know,” she told me. Funny cuz I don’t always feel that way. I just miss having an overabundance of energy. I feel more tired now with my thyroid treated than before I was diagnosed. My stomach is still a little iffy, too. I keep hoping that someday I will get better and there won’t be one thing after another. I also remind myself that this is better than the killer anxiety that I was having, and while that may be true, suffering is still suffering. So why compare when bad is bad?

Believe it or not, I kind of miss my treadmill so I did a few minutes on that which is basically all I could do at the moment. If I can ever get my energy back maybe I’ll mix it up and do 15 minutes on the Bowflex, 15 minutes on the treadmill, and then 15 more on the skier.

Tom has been working overtime like crazy. Some hotshots are going through the place now. Really wish that job would let him work normal hours because I’m tired of being alone so much, even if I might not be much fun to be around. Not many of us are pleasant when we’re not feeling all that great.

Again I restarted my vitamins, but don’t know how much good it’s going to do me. Anything I can think of to try to help myself, I’m going to do it. I’m willing to do almost anything at this point. I looked up energy-boosting foods. The thing is that I already eat some of them. But I can always add the sweet potatoes and the spinach, right?

Yesterday I felt worse in the morning than in the afternoon, though I never really felt much better until the end of my day. That’s when I took a Benadryl to see if it would help. I’m not sure if it’s made much difference but my ear is less achy. I took it before bed because it always knocks me out. It didn’t help me to sleep sounder, though. I still woke up a lot. The only problem with Benadryl is that it can cause you to sleep forever. I slept on and off for something like 10 hours when I usually need about 8.

Despite not feeling great, I did some more reorganizing around here yesterday. This time I concentrated mostly on the hutch drawers and cabinets.

Cappy was pretty funny the other day when Burke was out and about. Burke walked up to his cage where they went nose-to-nose. Cappy tried to grab him when he got close enough and it was funny because it looked like he was throwing a punch at him.

Had a dream Stacey was driving us somewhere. Although I don’t know what it was she said, I laughed and said, “You sound like a psychologist.”

Hmm… mean anything? I don’t want to get my hopes up because I haven’t been very psychic lately in my sleep. I’ve gotten win notices that never panned out in my dreams, and I never had nightmares warning me about Tammy’s last allergy attack, both uncharacteristic of me.

I exited a cab in another dream and walked into a pizza parlor. I ordered a pizza and the guy said they were out of the veggies I wanted it topped with so he substituted it with other veggies. He asked if that was ok and I said, “I hope so. The pizza’s for my niece, not for me.” Then I realized I’d left my keys in the cab.

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 17, 2016 Where yesterday was Tammy’s birthday, today’s her anniversary. Mark told us that August was a romantic month for him. Well, it’s certainly been a fun month for me with some rather interesting revelations. :-)

Despite all the fun, it hasn’t been without some annoyances. The water is off yet AGAIN from 8-4 today, though they were late in turning it off. All these water outages are just fucking ridiculous. The park may not be responsible for the poor installation that was done when the park was built in the ‘70s, but the fact that it hasn’t been fixed yet is pretty pathetic. So between that and all the landscaping noise, I wish we could move at times, but I just don’t know where we could go that would be any better, or even if we could afford to move right now.

My top BP number was 138 yesterday. Much better than the 150s and 160s, but I still worry that my “white coat hypertension” may have taken off its coat.

I’m carrying enough water to look like I could win Miss Beach Whale 2016, but don’t have enough estrogen to trigger a period. At least not yet anyway.

As for that kick-ass immune system of mine that even kills what it’s not supposed to? Well, Tom and I are both coming down with colds. Shall I go on with the fatigue, lightheadedness and achy ear? I woke up with a sore throat and while that much is a little better, my head still feels funny. Sort of like it’s under pressure or something.

Still enjoying the skier, but I wish it had a wider stride. I don’t have long legs, but I’m pretty flexible. I don’t think I’ll do much working out today, though, because of how I feel. I’m seriously getting tired of being so rundown so often. I feel like the old lady that I’m not at times. I used to have an abundance of energy almost all the time. Now I’m lucky if I have good energy just half of the time. :(

TUESDAY, AUGUST 16, 2016 Wished Tammy a happy birthday, then got on with the usual mix of work and lightheadedness. Today and yesterday haven’t been as bad as Sunday was. Just gotta accept that this may be the way I am now and adapt. Part of adapting means I just keep on chugging along and living my life. I hope the dizzies go away for good someday, but maybe they won’t. That’s why I gotta learn to function with it or else I’ll just lay around and get nothing done. I hate lying around for too long anyway. I’m too restless. I think that’s why I could never stand to sit out in the sun long enough to tan, even though all I do is burn and get sun poisoning. I like to move and to be doing things. Just sitting for hours, even with a good book, just isn’t me.

Normal BP doesn’t seem to be me anymore either. The top number was 158 yesterday. :(

Another thing I gotta get used to is this ear. I don’t know why it’s been driving me crazy more often these last few months, but even with regular oiling, it still aches half the time. Makes me wonder what the point of having doctors is if I’m still going to be in pain and be dizzy.

I’m pretty fed up with this fucking park. AGAIN they’re going to turn our water off tomorrow for up to 8 hours. As I told Tom, I can’t deal with this shit for another 8 years or so until you retire. We gotta start looking for another place. I don’t know that we can find a place much quieter, but it would be nice if we could get situated where there wasn’t so much traffic, especially that ran alongside the bedrooms.

I’ve heard the usual annoyances… a woodchipper off in the distance and landscaping. I don’t understand the constant tree-cutting that goes on here. I’ve lived in two other states that also had a generous amount of trees yet people weren’t sawing the shit out of them like crazy. I’ve heard more saws in the 9 years we’ve been in this state than in my entire life combined.

So far I’ve worked out and cleaned the master bedroom and bath. I edited my last book, but have been slacking off on my current one. Gotta get on with that soon.

Played with Burke a bit, too. Never thought he would be so much fun! He explored, took a mini nap under the footrest, and then we played before I sent him home with a treat. At that time I let him pick what he wants directly from the container that I hold out to him. So cute!

It hasn’t even been a week since I saw Stacey and I already miss her. While the mystery and the surprise may be fun, sometimes I wish I knew exactly what was on her mind. While her body language and some of the things she said certainly suggest a mutual liking, there were a couple of things that made me wonder. The way she hesitated after I said, “You don’t think so?” after she said she thought it was a shame that I thought I was fat and ugly. Did she not want to agree with me so that I wouldn’t get the wrong idea about her? Or did I just put her on the spot? That’s the one thing I wish I hadn’t said either way.

She also asked me if I would be okay with it if I didn’t get what I was looking for. Was this a test to make sure I wasn’t overly desperate? Or did she sense that I like her and know we would never really meet and therefore want to know that I wouldn’t be too upset by it?

Hey, I don’t expect to meet either way. I’m still a pessimist and I’m still going by past experience. There’s only one thing that’s ever happened with a woman that I really liked and wanted for either a friendship or something more… nothing. Why would I think that at half a century Stacey would change that?

MONDAY, AUGUST 15, 2016 Nothing from Aly, but I don’t think she’s ignoring me so much as she’s as busy as I wished she would be when she used to pester me for texts. She’s doing a lot of nannying. If her tweets are as honest as I at least think they are, she’s been doing that and also being paid to walk her neighbor’s dogs.

Wanting to see if Kim also blocked me from the dozen or so other accounts of hers I found through Aly and blocked, I checked Aly’s follower list. The accounts are gone. I’m guessing this means she changed the links? She missed a couple of them, though.

Again, I wonder… is Aly worth it with Kim in the picture? Is Aly worth it just knowing what a liar she can be? Well, we’ll see what, if anything, she has to say about my message to her.

LOL, somebody’s getting a little too used to his freedom. Love how Burkey Boy also likes to interact and play with me and not just roam around. The others have no interest in leaving home, but that’s ok. One very fast, curious and playful rat is enough of a handful for me. :)

I felt like shit yesterday. I was super dizzy and fatigued. Felt better after I tossed down one of those deep-dish pizzas for one. A connection? IDK, but I’m documenting everything I feel and do to try to figure out what triggers it and what helps it since I think it’s pretty safe to assume Dr. A isn’t going to do much for me. I guess I’ll find that out for sure next month when I go to the lab and see her. The only problem is that I would still be afraid to take anything for it.

Will be documenting my BP, too. Really hope the top number being high isn’t the new norm for me, but I have a feeling it is. Tammy confirmed that Dad had high BP. Thought he did.

We may get smarter with age, but we definitely don’t get healthier, LOL. Oh, I’m still pretty strong and fit for my age, but everything’s either too high or too low. Low thyroid, high cholesterol, low estrogen, high BP.

I miss the days of not knowing what an autoimmune disease was, having never heard of Hashimoto’s, and not giving a millisecond of thought to things like cholesterol and BP.

Life is otherwise totally awesome and in every way I’m not so lucky I’m lucky in 100 ways. :) Did some cleaning, some writing, and a handful of other things. I think I’ll go skiing to my show soon.

First, last night I dreamed that Doc O was driving us somewhere. Although very knowledgeable and helpful in her field, she had a bit of a stern personality and I felt slightly uncomfortable with her. I wondered if she felt the same. I began to make some small talk to lighten the mood a bit, knowing she was also a very pleasant and friendly person when she wasn’t barking orders at you.

I asked something about why she had certain people, or what types of people, she added to her phone contacts. I don’t remember what her answer was, but I said something about having the most important friends, family and doctors in my contacts.

Then I was in a large restaurant that was mostly empty. I had a rat on my shoulder and he (Burke?) wanted to get down and play. So I let him run around and explore a bit and would call him back to me if he ventured too far away.

We soon came upon a spot where a woman had placed her handbag on the floor. Burke ran up to it and nestled alongside it. The woman, stout with long straight blonde hair, approached us with a worried expression on her face. I quickly snatched up the rat and ran off, not knowing what she might do to us.

SUNDAY, AUGUST 14, 2016 Or maybe not. Oh, I’ll still focus plenty on Stacey, but Aly surprised me by tweeting that if I still read her tweets, I asked her to check something out and could I please re-send it. So here’s what I posted on LiveJournal:

I deleted the original post because I thought you weren’t going to read it. I’m sorry I didn’t give you more time to check it out. No problem, though, as I rewrote it for you. :) I will delete it once you’ve read it.

Umm…. Well, ok, here goes. As you know, I’ve been hurt, angry and stunned by you cutting ties with me. I honestly can’t say why losing you has been so hard on me. We never had the physical attraction Nane and I had and we never had the history Andy and I had. Eight years is a long time, but Andy and I have known each other all our lives and we’re in our 50s. Yet it’s been much easier letting them go.

No, I didn’t like how dishonest you could sometimes be, but I enjoyed everything else… your intelligence, your intuition, your advice, your feedback, and more. I know you said we didn’t have much in common and that we often thought differently and handled things differently, and you’re right. We did. But I also think we had many things in common. Our love of writing, for example. I miss consulting with each other on story ideas and reading each other’s stuff. Our genres were a bit different, but I still enjoyed reading what you wrote and you seemed ok with my stuff, even if I couldn’t always motivate myself as much as you could. Nor was I as good as you.

We all make mistakes, Agent P, and I’m no exception. I handled our fallout poorly. I shouldn’t have harassed you or your friends over it and I give you my word right here and now that I will not only never contact your friends (unless they reach out to me for some reason), but will also respect your wishes if you choose not to reply to this and just leave it at that.

Not that I agree with how Molly used to handle things, but for the first time I could understand how telling yourself not to bother with those that didn’t want to bother with you could sometimes be easier said than done. Nonetheless, I give you my word that if you continue not to want anything to do with me, then that’s the way it will be. Unfortunately, I tend to follow my heart when maybe I should follow my head instead. Perhaps I should have dropped it when you let me go last March, but my heart was screaming, “No! Don’t go!” So yeah, I admit I did look in on your tweets every few days or so to see how you were doing. I know you’ve been run through the mill both physically and emotionally and I was concerned. I mean I’m not in touch with Andy or Nane but that doesn’t mean I wouldn’t be upset if I learned something bad happened to them.

I’m not expecting to hear from you every day like I used to, and we don’t have to connect on Facebook, blogging sites or anything like that, but I will be here as often as you’d like, if you’d like, on Twitter, email, and then there’s also Skype.

I also owe you an apology for being judgmental and critical like I could sometimes be. You were right… I realize I can get awfully opinionated at times and that it’s something I need to work on. You have every right to live your life as you see fit and with whom you see fit, and well, who the hell am I to argue with it unless I’m specifically asked for my opinion? I think, however, that people sometimes misunderstand me in that when I express an opinion it doesn’t mean I’m insisting that it’s the only correct way to be and that I expect others to follow that example, but if you can be more honest with me, I can certainly keep my mouth shut more often. :) I never meant to offend or bring anyone down. I don’t mind people that are different than me. I’ve always been into opposites actually. I like to have some common ground, of course, but I don’t care if a friend likes different music, has different political views, or hates seafood while I think it’s wonderful. Look at Tom and I… he’s the love of my life yet we don’t have much in common, haha. Sometimes it balances things out better that way, but that’s just how I am and I realize we don’t all think the same.

So… if I hear from you, great. If not, then I guess that’s just the way it was meant to be. :) Either way, I wish you the very best!

Later…

Feeling great emotionally but not so great physically at the moment. Still get intermittent lightheadedness and sometimes an upset stomach and heartburn. And oh, the fatigue! I seem to get fatigued when I get dizzy. I guess I still have enough hormones to give me some PMS symptoms, but not quite enough to start a period. I don’t know if I’m done for good or not. I just want the dizzies to go away and stay away!

My mind wants to do all kinds of things, but my body would rather lie around and not do much, and even when I’ve slept well I can still feel tired. Labs are just a couple of weeks away.

We took my BP a few times and the top number is in the 160s. That’s where Tom was before going on BP meds, but his other number was also bad. My bottom number is fine. Man, I’m sick of all these fucking health issues, though. I can’t keep taking different medications. I’m too sensitive to them and prone to side effects.

Despite not feeling the greatest and slacking off on my writing projects, we went for a bike ride when the sun was coming up and there was just enough light to see but the glare of the sunlight and heat had yet to set in. It was nice, though we’re a little out of shape for that particular exercise right now. These hills would probably kill most people here, LOL. It’s like doing cardio and strength training at once. Going down the “rollercoaster” is fun, though.

Then we changed the Cheeto whores’ cage. Wish they’d stop burying their food because then I can’t tell how much is in there.

August is turning out to be a very, very interesting month. First, I may be working things out with Aly. I then dream about a skinny woman surprising me by telling me she’s got hypothyroidism. Then Stacey tells me she has it and she’s skinny. Then I include an earthquake scene in my book. An earthquake hits NorCal, though not here. Then I throw Stacey in a story and good things happen. I then learn she isn’t exactly the fantasy/wishful thinking I thought she was.

Two people (women?) and I were chased through the woods, though I don’t know who was doing the chasing.

Then I dreamed that I watched a beach video of Aly’s and thought it looked remarkably like the beach I spent my summers at as a kid.

Then Tom was auditioning for a band with his trombone, and I was saying how cool it would’ve been had Jesse’s trailer been inside a really large room because then it would be easier to heat and cool the tin dump.

Later…

Twitter does have two-way blocking. Kim’s either reading Aly’s tweets or Aly told her about my current account. This time around it seems like she looked for my tweet in response to Aly asking me to resend the link and then blocked me. She hasn’t blocked me on all of her accounts… yet. But you know what? Fuck her. She’s one I would never be friends with again, so fine, let her play victim and block all the accounts she wants. It hasn’t cost me any account on any site yet.

SATURDAY, AUGUST 13, 2016 Rachel says: Textbook crush on a therapist. Well, I’ve never had a crush on one before and I’ve had at least a dozen in my lifetime. Martha was a bit attractive who I saw in the early ‘90s back east, but she didn’t make nearly as much of an impression as Stacey’s made on me.

She also says she’d be surprised if she contacted me directly and that it’d be a bit against ethics. I would still be surprised too, but I don’t think she’d be doing anything unethical since we’ve accomplished what we set out to do and are done with each other on a professional level. She gave me the coping tools I needed in order to deal with anxiety and help prevent it from turning into full-blown panic attacks, but hopefully I will never be on enough medication that can induce such extreme anxiety again.

I asked Tom if he was surprised we exchanged info and talked about keeping in touch outside of her office, and he said no.

Do I think she’ll contact me? shrugs No one I’ve ever wanted to has yet, so probably not. Like I said, I’ll call in a few months or so, but I don’t expect her to contact me, let alone visit me.

Looked in on her husband’s pics again and am even more confused about her family. Based on my research I was under the impression that she had one grown son. Yet I saw two pics of their son Noah posted in 2010, and in it, he appears to be about 8. At first glance, I assumed it was her grandson or maybe a nephew. He was alone in one pic, and with Stacey in another. They appeared to be camping or hiking somewhere and they were both giving the sign for “I love you.”

Noah appeared to be between 8-10, probably closer to 8. But even if he were 10, he’d still be a minor. Then why did she say her son lived on Ophir Road? Does she have more than one son? Having a kid living with her would explain why she’s got a 3-bedroom and a basketball hoop over the garage. I mean, sure… she and her husband could sleep separately and want a spare room for guests, storage or whatever, but I would think a couple in their age group would want to downsize if it was just them. Of course, just because the pics were posted in 2010 doesn’t mean they were taken then. The kid could also look younger than he is.

What I wonder most is even if she did want to see me, where would she find the time? She works full time and if she has a son, friends and other family in the area, how could she make time for us? How would we get any privacy, even if we didn’t “do” anything?

It’s possible she could be divorced or separated and her son could be living with their father, but I don’t get that impression at all. Why would she live in such a big house if that were the case, and why would she be connected to him on Facebook? But then why does he have a different last name? Pretty sure A is her maiden name.

I’ve gone over and over it again in my mind and she truly does seem to like me. Then again, Johnson did too, yet we never met. I still gotta assume the Staceys of this world are not allowed be it for friends or fuck buddies, and expect not to hear from her. She’d probably return my call, but that’s about it. I don’t see us making arrangements to meet, and unless we went out somewhere by ourselves, Tom would be with us here and I guess her husband and son would be with us at her place.

Eh, I don’t want to overthink and overanalyze things. She’s in my past. Unless I have a setback, then after my fall call (I thought I’d wait till around November) it will be time to move on and file her away as a wonderful memory.

Aly hasn’t appeared to have checked into her Twitter account since the 9th. Has she abandoned the account now that she knows I know about it? Or is something wrong? My guess is she’s keeping in touch with friends elsewhere, but she’s the last one I want to put much thought into. Yeah, I’d rather think of Stacey all the time than Aly.

I do wonder about Marie, though. Her account has been deactivated. I posted a note on my wall asking if anyone knows what’s up with her. She seemed to be doing well, but Marie has been known to take a tumble overnight, so anything’s possible.

The fucking water was off from 9:00 - 2:30 yesterday. I would’ve missed the notice too, had I not opened the front door to let some fresh air in. We only go out that door every day or two to get the mail. I anonymously let them know just what I thought about that and the motorcycles online by using fake details. Personally, I don’t care if they trace it back to me at this point. I’m fed up with the water issues being so frequent, nobody’s fault or not. Or is it? Pipes get old, yes, but Virginia said this has been going on since they moved in nearly 30 years ago.

I talked to Mr. “Twenties” briefly yesterday. I like him better than Mrs. Twenties so far. He was trimming the trees in front of his place cuz they were blocking the stop sign.

I was so annoyed for a while yesterday, not just over the water issues, but someone with a golf cart stopped to talk to Mr. Twenties while their damn dog yipped up a storm. Really hope they didn’t get a dog too, cuz I swore I heard barking coming from that direction after the cart left. Like maybe it was barking out an open door or something. Could’ve been coming from over the wall though I doubt it. I just hope the Twenties and the people next to them remain muttless or else they’ll bark out open doors and windows every time they step outside or someone walks by.

Tom only worked half a day yesterday because of the company picnic. He didn’t feel like going to it cuz he’s just not big on mixing business with pleasure.

Talked to Tammy who sounded better than expected. She got a huge scare when she had an allergic reaction to things in the air and her throat, esophagus and lungs closed up. Unfortunately, she got her own taste of fearing she was about to die. I can just imagine how horrifying it must’ve been. They almost put her on a ventilator. She’s on steroids and all kinds of other shit.

Sarah’s going to some training seminar in Miami on account of a job promotion she got.

As usual, Bill had to come up when she said that Sarah’s car had tire issues and she automatically called the bastard like she always used to just to end up calling Tammy in tears. Hey, I’m sorry for the girl. I really am. But ENOUGH IS ENOUGH WITH THE BILL TALK! I don’t want to hear about him or be reminded of him in any way. I hate the bastard even in death and will never forgive him for leading the blacks to our door. As it is I can’t stand to follow my nieces anymore on Facebook. It’s all dad this, dad that.

Had a dream my cousin Phil was wheeled past me in a wheelchair. He looked like he’d put on some weight since I last saw him and he seemed pretty out of it too, never saying a word as he passed by me.

Later…

Went to Walmart where I started getting dizzy after doing better these last few days. It backed off a bit once we got home and I ate. I even skied for a half hour. Now I’m just fatigued.

Aly checked in saying she’d been busy, but she totally ignored me of course. Ok, she is NOW TOTALLY 100% in the past.

I’ll focus on Stacey instead… even if I know it’s a waste of time.

FRIDAY, AUGUST 12, 2016 Where I expected to return home sad and teary-eyed, thinking I’d probably never see Stacey again as long as I had no setbacks, I am instead flying high with excitement, flattery and shock.

Yeah, I was very wrong in assuming this visit would be different and that she’d be all serious and all professional.

I’ve always liked Stacey. Always. Not the jump-in-bed-with-her kind of like, but over the last 3 sessions a bond has formed between us that I first thought was pretty much one-sided. But… Those subtle “signs.” Some things she’d say. The way she’d say them. Things I thought were just wishful thinking were actually my intuition being right on again. I’m sitting here mumbling OMG, OMG, OMG over and over. She likes me too!!! twirls with delight

She’s one of those that’s attractive but not. Yeah, there’s something about her, and yes, she looks great for 57, but you won’t find yourself undressing her with your eyes or indulging in wet fantasies about her either as opposed to just hanging out, holding hands or maybe a little cuddling on the couch to a movie. At the same time, would I be interested in the whole package if we were single and she was interested? Hell fucking yeah. I’m sure I would be. She’s too wonderful not to be.

To describe her physically, she’s short like me, but not as feminine. She’s not tomboyish either. She’s slim, has dark eyes and dark shoulder-length hair, wears little to no makeup, but does dress femininely. Conservatively, but feminine. She wears jewelry, but nothing colorful or flashy like what I wear. I’ve only seen her in pants, though I saw a picture of her in a black dress. She was smoking hot too, so ok, perhaps there’s a little attraction on my part. Yes, I did notice she has a nice smile and even a sexy nose. Yes, I did notice how nice her ass looked in her jeans one day when she had her back to me scheduling our next appointment.

“We’re even opposites with nails,” I joked with her, and it was true. She had tan nail polish on, though her style suited her well.

Anyway, I sensed something was up that was mutual, but didn’t want to let myself believe it really meant anything. But after today I’m able to look back on some of our past discussions, and well, the signs were there. I said some things that might’ve very well made other counselors feel not so much as offended but they may have been uncomfortable. Stacey, on the other hand, seemed genuinely flattered when I joked with her about how we never would’ve met had we skipped Oregon and California and gone straight to Florida from Arizona.

There were other things I recalled from the meeting before last. How I talked about being attracted to opposites as opposed to carbon copies and the way she said, “You like hanging around with those who are calmer, huh?” You’d had to have been there as I was to pick up what I picked up. It wasn’t so much what she said but how she said it.

You know how we sometimes tense up with delight when we receive a compliment or good news? Well, when we were talking about working out and I told her she looked great, she did just that and grinned. Well, I’m flattered that she was flattered when I told her this and things like how much I appreciated all she’s done for me.

The way she told me I was very bright, along with a few other things right down to her body language, I had quickly filed as misinterpreted or wishful thinking, even if the part of me that’s good with reading people knew she probably wouldn’t act like that with just anybody. There was something there and I clearly felt the connection. The way she said, “Maybe someday you’ll be surprised,” when I said I wouldn’t mind having someone I was close to who lived near me, but after being burned and not in a position to meet others easily, I knew I might never have that.

Bumping me up was another thing I looked back on and wondered about. At the time I didn’t think much of it, but when I had to see her again in June, I was told by her assistant that she was all booked up and I couldn’t get in till mid-July. But then she calls me right back after calling Stacey’s private line and tells me to come in in a few days.

It’s the blog that threw me. A while back I gave her my blog address, then a session or two later I asked if she’d visited it and she said, “No, sorry.” I wondered if there was some rule about doctors looking in on patients’ blogs and whatnot, even though I’d never heard of one, and I know that my dentist, old endo and possibly Dr. A have been to my blog. My main Blogger blog that is. That’s why I’m careful what I say over there.

So I figured that if I had been reading her right and she really liked me as a person and not just as a patient, then she would’ve been to the blog, right? Well, I’ll get to that in a minute.

Initially, we began talking about the anxiety that brought me to her in the first place. She’s just as glad that I’ve continued to be anxiety-free. She asked me why she thinks I’m doing better right now. I said, “Well, probably because I don’t have any statins or other scary drugs to deal with right now, and a wonderful genius taught me some tricks.” This was in reference to the emotional tapping, which I admitted to slacking off on at times when doing better.

I told her I was a little stressed out about all the appointments I have next month, and that I thought of getting another doctor, but they’re just going to tell me the same thing… I need statins. Just because I’m not panicking these days doesn’t mean I still don’t have a medication phobia. I’ve always been sensitive to medication, too.

She asked who my doctor was and I told her. “That’s who I thought it was,” she said.

Speaking of phobias, we talked about my driving phobia and she asked if I’d tried to conquer it. I have, but never felt comfortable at the wheel, couldn’t have afforded a car most of my younger adult life anyway, so why put my life and others at risk? She agreed it’s best not to push it. This subject came up when I was pointing out that while I do want to come out of my protective shell a bit more, it’s not easy meeting new people when you work at home and everyone has their standards of “normal” that they tend to gravitate to. But as I told her, I’m never going to be a God-loving nine-to-fiver who drives and has a politically correct bleeding heart for Muslims and blacks.

“I have no problem with individuals that are kind to me, but as a whole, I don’t like these violent groups.”

“Makes sense to me,” she said.

We talked about my being undecided on things like God and the afterlife. Dream premonitions I totally believe in because I’ve personally had them, and it turns out that she’s had them, too. Hers have also been mostly negative. Wow. Pretty neat.

“Sometimes I think there must be a God since I met a wonderful person like you,” (big grin on her part), “but then I think, nah. Not with all the shit that goes on in this world.”

She said it’s ok to be undecided. I agree. Besides, just because we decide on something doesn’t necessarily mean we’re right, does it?

Backing up to the beginning of the appointment… this is the first time there were a few others in the waiting room, but they were civilized. A few minutes before 8:30, she came out the door by the desk, looked over at me and smiled, then said something about copying a form to a guy I’d never seen before that was probably new.

She got a kick out of the dreams I told her she was in. Yeah, on the way down the long hall to her office I told her it was nice seeing her in my dreams a few times over the last month.

At the start of our session, I told her that the answer to her question, “What next?” hit me on the way home the last time I saw her. I asked her if she wanted to hear the realistic one first or the fantasy. She laughed and said, “Realistic.” So I told her about my goal, which I’ve definitely been accomplishing. This one entails not letting the thought of an anxiety attack keep me from going out walking alone. Tom and I still prefer to work out together because it’s more fun that way, but when he’s not available, I’m going out by myself more and more often.

Then I told her the fantasy. I said, “Don’t laugh, but I think a sexless affair with a woman might be nice. Might add fun variety to my life to have someone I see periodically that I’m into that’s into me back.”

She didn’t laugh.

“You asked me how Tom and I got along. You didn’t ask me how we got along in bed. I’m not embarrassing you by talking about this, am I?”

She shook her head, and I went on to say that at my age since the libido really does go to hell as menopause sets in, I don’t feel that I need to add a female “fuck buddy” to my life. Just someone I really like and feel comfortable with who feels the same about me that I see every now and then would be nice.

She asked if I was putting any energy into this goal, and as I reminded her, it’s not easy to meet people when you work at home. No relationship I’ve ever had, be it sexual or not, has ever been sought out, forced, made or planned. They always happen by “accident.”

She said it seemed like a reasonable goal and asked if I would be ok if I didn’t get it. As I told her, it wouldn’t kill me if I didn’t. When do I ever get the people that I want in that way whether it’s just for friends or anything more? Courtney, Maliheh, Melanie, Johnson, Liz, Jane, Alyssa… when did I ever get any of them?

We talked about different people I’ve known, what attracts me and what doesn’t, like butchy types.

“You don’t like that?” she asked.

“No. To each their own as I certainly don’t judge, but if I liked that I’d have been totally straight and nothing but. I used to like ultra-feminine women, but now I like them in the middle. They don’t have to be as colorful and as flashy as me, but I like women that look like women.”

We talked about a million different things. The fact that we’re both Jewish, even though I don’t practice any religion. She said she’s not good with languages but can read some Hebrew, Spanish and French. I told her I read, write and speak Spanish, Italian and German, and can read a lot of Portuguese, French, Esperanto and Dutch. Plus there’s my ASL.

She agrees German is ugly and I told her that was my “accidental” language and how I “met” Nane and we became cyber girlfriends till we had a fight and it all ended.

“Ever have regrets?” she asked.

“I miss her at times, but she was too judgmental for my tastes,” I said.

“Did you ever think of going to any of these countries and speaking the languages?” she asked me. Yes, I told her, I’ve been to Puerto Rico where I pretended not to know what “No tocar” meant when I was souvenir shopping.

She laughed and said I must really be wired for language learning, and I said, “I may be fat and ugly, but I love to learn and promised myself I’d get as smart as I could.”

“I think it’s a shame that you think you’re fat and ugly,” she said.

I was a little surprised at this one, and said something like, “Wow, you don’t think so?”

She slowly smiled and shook her head, and I at least agreed I wasn’t the ugliest thing on the planet. I’m ok for my age, but nothing spectacular. I’ve got strong shoulders, a lifted chest thanks to pushups, semi-ripped abs, and rippled calves, but the rest sucks shit big time. ;) I admit I, well… uhem… I paid special attention to clothes and makeup knowing I was going to see her. blushes

We talked about the different states we’ve lived in, and just like I remember the giant spiders, scorpions and cockroaches in Arizona, she got to live with them in Texas for a while. She’s originally from Maryland. She hates rodents, but she doesn’t mind spiders and snakes.

I told her about our life in Auburn versus here. I guess her son lives on the street we used to live on.

We talked about how while it can be hard at times, I’m determined not to think negatively and worry about the future as much. She asked if I worry about having a heart attack or stroke, and as I told her, I know the possibility is there, but it’s not going to happen today or tomorrow if it does.

“I’ll give you that,” she said with a smile.

We talked about Tammy, how our mother tried to pit her against me, and how we became closer when our parents died (I’ve got more to write about her when I’m not so tired).

I said I knew I should probably make out a will since anyone could die at any age, but hadn’t gotten around to it and just never cared what happened to my body. If I was dead, I wouldn’t need my body, so it didn’t matter what happened to it. I was pretty sure, though, that I wouldn’t want to undergo something like chemo if I needed it as it’s not worth the torture this late in life with no children to leave behind for a maybe.

She asked if I’d ever signed a D&R form, and I had no idea what that was till she told me about it. Tom’s heard of Do Not Resuscitate forms, though, and I’m sure Tammy has, too. Well, I did tell Tom that if I were ever in a coma for any reason to just pull the plug, LOL.

I told her she inspired a character in my book (with a different name) and that I usually do suspense with lesbian/bi leads as a show of support for equality. She didn’t ask what the story was about and I didn’t offer any information.

We jumped back in time a bit and I told her about some of the prank calls I’d make. She laughed at that Drinkwine and Drinkwater confusion. “And then karma bit me in the ass and gave me my own funny last name,” I told her.

“Do you ever get sick of listening to people’s problems all day long in this tiny windowless room?” I asked her, and she admitted she did hate the office, which was the only one she’d ever had without a window. She said she was at her private practice once a week and that office was twice as big and had a window. I asked why she split it up like that and it’s cuz you gotta work a certain amount of hours to get benefits.

I said she oughta get wall stickers or one of those window murals. “If you came to my house you’d see them all over our place, but I might tone it down in the next place.”

“Why bother if you like it?” she said.

She’s got a point there, even though I still sometimes wish the place were less busy. Not less colorful, but less busy. It would make dusting easier that way, too.

We talked about where we may move to someday, but as I told her, there are no guarantees. A lot can happen between now and his retirement. When we first came here 9 years ago I only knew 3 languages and could sit on my hair.

She too, loves to go treasure hunting at Goodwill. I was surprised. :) I told her I once collected dolls. She asked what I collected now and I told her I didn’t have any specific thing I collected. Did she? I asked, and she said no.

Then it came up that I’d looked in on her Facebook account, though it’s very private, and was following someone with her name on Pinterest. She was surprised, saying she’s looked in on Pinterest, but doesn’t have an account there. I told her there were two people with her name there, and she asked if the spelling was the same. I had my doubts either were hers because one uses no caps while the other caps the entire last name. I was following Ms. No Caps, but not anymore.

I thanked her for letting me talk about personal things, even though I’m sure she’s heard them before. But just having someone to discuss menopause with is nice. Everyone else either isn’t the talking kind or they had their parts removed.

“I like that you’re older,” I told her. “You get me. Trying to explain the shittiness of perimenopause to your 40-year-old doctor isn’t any easier than the 32-year-old one I had which was only good as eye candy. And I’m not usually into blondes,” I told her the last time around, LOL.

And then it was almost time to go and things got really interesting. And damn surprising. Oh yeah, here goes the good part, folks. I was saying how funny it was that I didn’t want to see her at first and only did so to make my doctor happy. I just didn’t realize just how anxious the trauma had left me and how it couldn’t be fixed as quickly as I’d like. I also had no idea just how much I needed her help and how amazingly helpful she would turn out to be. I felt so incredibly hopeless at one point as my thoughts began to turn dark.

I told her I would probably cancel the shrink appointment since I was stopping the lorazepam anyway. “You’re better than lorazepam,” I told her, and she smiled.

“I’m glad to be doing better, but I’m going to miss the hell out of you,” I told her.

Then, “You can always call my private line.”

Really?

“Do you have my card? You’re always welcome to see me anytime and to call anytime as well.”

I told her I did, and could get info online as well.

She said she just didn’t want me to be upset that she hadn’t been to my blog because that wasn’t something she did.

I told her that was no problem and she wasn’t missing anything anyway since all I was doing was bitching about being dizzy lately (the last few days have been better, though).

That’s when I gave her what I tried to talk myself out of writing down for her at home. “I have something for you,” I told her, standing up and pulling a piece of paper from my pocket. “Since you helped me; if you ever need help with anything I’m good at or you just want a friend, here are a few ways to contact me.”

She shocked me by taking the paper with a delighted smile and thanking me for it. I really thought she was going to tell me that as my counselor she couldn’t do that, but there is a difference between counselors and patients versus regular MDs and patients, after all, just like you can’t really compare your hair stylist to the cashier that rings up your groceries.

I told her that hopefully, I’ll remain anxiety-free and instead of needing to call her, I hope to eventually hear from her instead. Then we stepped over to the door. I thought she was going to hug me and for a split second, I thought of hugging her. Instead, it was all I could do to keep from squealing with hope and joy as I went back down the long hallway, glad to not be the sad, teary-eyed person I expected to be.

So maybe it’s not goodbye forever. I know a lot of people don’t do things they say they’re going to do, but I’d like to think a clinical psychologist with a PHD wouldn’t make such casual agreements. I’ll call if I don’t hear from her within a few months or so, but even if I never do see her again, there will always be a special place in my heart for the lovely Dr. Stacey J A for pulling me out of the quicksand like she did.

THURSDAY, AUGUST 11, 2016 Another day of being dizzy-free. Thank God too, as being sad when I say goodbye to Stacey in 6 hours or so is going to be rough enough.

Life is full of saying goodbyes. Just wish they were all easy and not just some of them. This includes getting over those who couldn’t care less about me. Instead, I finally broke down and left a message for Aly on LiveJournal in hopes of working things out, and I tweeted her the link. Doesn’t look like she’s checked in since then, though, or else she’d have told Kim, who would have blocked this account. Or do they think it’s my last account? I took the honor of blocking Kim myself this time around, but I’m pretty sure Twitter has mutual blocking yet I’m not blocked from her. So more than likely, she just didn’t check in yesterday. She keeps in touch with Kim more on WhatsApp these days.

I think it’s rather sad that people from all over the world have gone to the Olympics to break their arms, their legs, and other things all for a medal. A medal is a material thing. It cannot validate our abilities. Being able to safely do things within our physical and emotional means and enjoying it… that’s true validation. No scrap of metal is worth injuring ourselves for.

So I’ve been rethinking the Olympics. Is it really just about talented people who have worked really hard? Or is it also about insecure people desperate to show off to the world and prove they’re worthy of this piece of metal that they’re willing to bring harm to themselves for it?

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 10, 2016 So far I am surprisingly, amazingly and wonderfully not dizzy. But why? What did I do differently today? The only thing I can think of is that where I usually don’t eat for a couple of hours after being up, I did have a granola bar while waiting for my coffee to brew.

Really thought it would just go on and on like last time, but it’s something that can creep up on you at any moment. So I could get lightheaded later on.

Had so much fatigue yesterday that I didn’t get as much done around here as I’d have liked.

There was an earthquake at the Mendocino National Forest a couple or so hours away at 8pm, but I didn’t feel anything. Funny, though, since the book I’m currently writing involves an earthquake in NorCal. Definitely gotta be careful how I write things as I have jinx-written other things, both good and bad, into reality in the past. Life really can imitate art at times.

MONDAY, AUGUST 8, 2016 Haven’t written much because honestly, all I can do is whine about being so lightheaded so often, though I am finally starting to get used to it. It’s all I really can do anyway. Not much else is going on. The week is progressing as it normally does. I work on various things, writing included. Still working out, taking care of the house… the usual stuff.

So like I said, I’m dizzy again and I can’t figure out what triggered it to start up again any more than I can figure out why it backed off for those few weeks to a month like it did. Since they ruled out anything dangerous, I’m still leaning toward perimenopause. It’s annoying as hell, but I just gotta deal with it. We all have something most of the time as that’s just how humans are, and as long as it’s tolerable in the first place and the longer I have it, the more likely I am to get used to it. I just have to take breaks and lie down here and there throughout the day.

I try not to let it get me down, and I admit I started to get a little depressed last night, knowing it’s bound to go on for at least a few months like last time, but then I reminded myself that it’s not going to kill me. It’s just a sensation. An annoying one, but nothing deadly or that I can’t adapt to. Sometimes I have to remind myself that hey, even I’m tougher than that and there’s no reason I can’t learn to live with it. I can still live my life and do everything I normally do. I just have to take it slow at times. It may even go away for good someday since nothing usually lasts forever.

I’m also worried about the 3 appointments I have next month, though I know it’s pointless to worry because they’re going to be whatever they’re going to be. I just need to stand a firmer ground and remind Dr. A that enough is enough with the damn medication. It’s silly to take statins to prevent problems I may never have. I don’t feel that extra cholesterol floating around in me, but I sure felt that sore throat the statins gave me, and I’m all about how I feel. Not what I might prevent or the number of years I can live. Right now my only problem is being lightheaded and I’d like to keep it that way.

No anxiety lately, but I kind of have some PMS symptoms even though I don’t feel like my period is just a few days away as scheduled. I’m retaining a little water and I’ve had more fatigue the last few days.

Looking forward to seeing Stacey on Thursday as much as I’m not looking forward to seeing her. I always love to see her. She’s a wonderful person and very easy to talk to. But I sure will miss her, so there will be a bit of sadness when we say goodbye, so long as the shit doesn’t hit the fan again and send me back to her later on down the road.

Decided to give Pretty Little Liars another chance and am enjoying it so far. Scream was great, but there’s only one season available on Netflix. Love those continuing dramas, though, that keep you guessing as to who the culprit is.

SATURDAY, AUGUST 6, 2016 To get the bad news out of the way first… Tammy has bronchial pneumonia and I’m lightheaded again. Wonder how many months it’ll last this time since most things don’t seem to be short and sweet for me.

The annoying news… I’ve heard loud vehicles for most of the last 10 hours. I still don’t understand why there’s so much traffic in an adult community that doesn’t lead anywhere. This is a gated community with security that patrols the place, especially at night. Outsiders can’t just wander in.

The typical news… Still skiing away, but doubt I’ll lose more than a few pounds.

The frustrating news… I injured my shoulder planking, said “fuck it” to my diet, and ate like a pig tonight. It was fun. You should try it sometime. Just not the shoulder part.

The scary news… they laid off 25 people where Tom works, though not in his area. We dodged a bullet this time, but within the next two years, a layoff is extremely likely. Not just because most jobs eventually lay you off, but also because the company’s slowly going under. Not sure how they can afford to pay him so much OT as it is, though he’s not working Saturday this week. Still, I’m not buying anything I don’t absolutely need.

Poverty doesn’t scare me as much as it once did after the shit I went through with my health, and yes, I’d rather be poor than suffer, but neither of us wants to lose this place either. We don’t want to stay in this park or in this state forever, but we do want to leave it on our terms. Besides, scary or not, I still could never make it on the streets. I could downsize to a dump in a dumpier area, but I couldn’t be homeless, not that I think it’ll come to that. My dreams will warn me if trouble is near, though. At least they did last time. The economy may not be as bad as 5 years ago, and we may have the 401K, but an aging white man can’t just quickly get a job. And don’t give me that shit about “white privilege” cuz it’s bullshit.

The funny news… When I opened the cage doors, my boys came charging at me for the treats I had ready to serve. So cute!

The interesting news… Thinking of Rosemarie today. I realized that today is her birthday. Pretty sure she’s a year older than me. Yeah, it’s been a quarter-century since I saw the good-looking bitch who deserved the piece of shit she had for a boyfriend, but I never forgot her very brief time in my life. Can’t help but wonder to this day… how different might she have been if she weren’t under the influence of Rick? Either way, they’re lucky I didn’t kick the shit out of both of them the night they paid me the little “visit” they paid me. God knows I wanted to. To confront me about my attraction for Rosemarie and make the threats they made as if they’d learned I broke into their place or something like that while they were out and may do it again was absolutely ridiculous.

But hey, it was 1992 and she was from Texas. Most Texans are prejudiced and so are religious people, which she clearly stated that she was. Also, some butch scared the shit out of her that used to live next to her so that warped her opinion of gays/lesbians right there. Still, she’s the kind I’d laugh at if I knew she had to spend a little time in jail or prison… with nothing but women. Some of which would be much more forward than I ever was.

Seriously, with the rejection I got from as many women as I did, you would think I was the fattest, ugliest chick there was, and not someone deemed worthy enough to be an exotic dancer.

Last night I dreamed that I was having trouble navigating through some site due to ads popping up like crazy. Then I heard Tom shout and ran into his bedroom. He had just gotten into bed. He said he saw one of those huge roaches we’d see down in Phoenix.

I wanted to turn on the light so I could see better and spray it with bug spray if I spotted it again, but Tom was all paranoid that someone would see through the sides of the crooked blinds he had hanging in the single window across from his bed. I told him that if he were that worried about his privacy, get new blinds then.

Unable to find the roach, I left the room wondering how I would sleep knowing the thing was in the house.

Then I dreamed that he had to shower in my bathroom and I said with frustration, “There are three showers in this place, yet only one works.”

Later…

If there’s one person I’d really love to give a piece of my mind to, it’s Rosemarie. And even if I didn’t, being the naturally curious person that I am, I tried looking her up based on the very few things I remember about her. I know her first name, that she was born in Texas, that she lived in Arizona, that she might’ve worked for an attorney, and that she turned 51 today. Turns out there was a Rosemarie R born in Texas in 1964, but I otherwise can’t find shit. There’s a 52-year-old Rosemarie R living in Pennsylvania, but it’s a little hard to believe it’s her. I mean why would she end up on the East Coast? I doubt I’ll ever find her more than I’ll ever find Officer Johnson. Really need both first and last names.

I read back on some of my 1992 entries describing my encounters with her, and wow. Just wow. That was cruel the way she went from telling me they were “fascinated” by all kinds of people to telling me she was religious and didn’t want my “type” around.

Fay didn’t help any more than Rick did. She butted her fat nose in the middle of things and pitted us against each other. Or better yet, pitted Rosemarie against me. Could Fay have been as jealous and insecure as Rick was? She was fat and ugly and she knew it.

Fay did say something about running into her in the laundry room and Rosemarie said she didn’t want to hurt me but that Rick beat up some other girl and was watching her like a hawk. Yeah, but she did hurt me. And she pissed me off. I can totally see Rick being violent and possessive, though. I’d see them arguing and she even told me they were fighting. It wouldn’t surprise me if they broke up ages ago.

Hmm… another story inspired by 24-year-old memories? Maybe. Maybe we can “meet again” like Stacey from the VV and I did. ;)

For now, they stopped commenting on my “story” journal written by “Teresa.” Guess they either got bored with it or realized I was behind it.

Still feeling dizzy at times. Just gotta accept that it’s not going anywhere any more than my weight is. At least the skiing and proper eating will keep it stable. It better or else something else may be up.

Tom said he’s actually gained weight since eating right so he’s going back to some of his unhealthier foods. LOL, we both got some junk late last night on a run to Walgreens. Only difference is I do eat a lot less than him regardless of if it’s healthy or not, and I do exercise more.

He got some exercise today working outside. Until he hit his head on the maple tree, that is. Then we went down to the lake after the sun set and the temp dropped a bit. Hay muchos patos ahora.

Ran into Aly in my dreams last night. First I yelled angrily at her, then bawled my eyes out like an idiot. She wasn’t just an inch taller like in real life, though. Instead, she had half a foot on me.

I just have to keep in mind that as much as I may sometimes miss the good times, she wasn’t any truer of a friend than Nane and Andy ever were. Nane and Andy were judgmental hypocrites and Aly was a liar who never truly gave a shit about me.

Nane would bash me for bashing blacks, then she’d turn around and bash fat people. So it wasn’t ok to bash a group for their color, but it was ok to for their size? I won’t even get started on all the things I got sick of pertaining to Andy.

I just don’t get why it’s been harder to file Aly away in the past than the others. There was no physical attraction between us like there was with Nane, and we didn’t have the history Andy and I had.

Also had a dream about some kind of change taking place at Tom’s place of work in 3 weeks. They’re not due to lay any more people off till January, though. Or maybe he’ll be given a task that’ll take 3 weeks? We’ll find out sooner or later if the dream means anything, but I’m guessing it doesn’t.

FRIDAY, AUGUST 5, 2016 I guess the “sneaky” thing was someone trying to hack some account of Aly’s, based on her latest tweets.

I wonder, though… if I’m looking in on her, isn’t she looking in on me? My blog I mean, since she shouldn’t know about my current Twitter account. If she is, she’s dodging my tracker, something she’s been known to do before. Realistically, though, I doubt she cares at this point. So I would say no, she’s not reading my blog and probably hasn’t for 2 or 3 months.

Wish I could follow my head and not my heart where Stacey’s concerned, but I know I’m going to be dumb enough to waste time giving her my contact info, hoping that there’s at least a 1% chance she may contact me if she doesn’t hear from me for a while. Why, though? She’s not meant to be. No one like her ever has or ever will be. So knowing what’s in my cards and what’s not, why can’t I act accordingly? I guess because every now and then even my life gets a surprise or two thrown into it. Never expected to end up friends with Paula, fucked in the head or not. But still… Stacey’s not happening. Not now, not in a year, not in 5 years, not in 10 years. Why can’t I just thank her for her help, walk out of there without giving her a thing, and leave it at that?

THURSDAY, AUGUST 4, 2016 Aly hasn’t tweeted in a few days, but she’s at least checked into the account because she’s “liked” some things. Knew she wouldn’t elaborate on just what was so “sneaky” that needed investigating. I still say it probably has to do with Kim. Maybe she’s pretending to be me. Or her. Or God knows who else.

Just thought I’d do some writing while I wait for the temperature to drop a bit. Better for working out. Was thinking I’d ski to a 40-minute show, then do 20 more minutes outdoors. Gotta Bowflex too, and then tackle of slew of writing projects.

I have officially ended my affair with Fred Flintstone. Due to my size, I would take kiddy vitamins, but surprisingly enough, I’ve had even more energy since I stopped taking them. Funny too, cuz even Tom says vitamins make him tired. I figured that if I eat right then I should get a sufficient amount from food.

Pinterest gave themselves a new look and I personally hate it when sites make unnecessary changes like that. It’s a pain having to get used to the new way of doing things when the old way worked just fine. The only good to this change, which I hope won’t become a regular occurrence, is that avatars are larger.

Unfortunately, the dizziness I had really enjoyed a break from is returning and I’m not sure why. I thought I was over that shit, but I guess I can’t expect to never feel dizzy again. We all feel lightheaded/dizzy at times. I just hope it doesn’t get as bad as it was a few months ago.

Other than that, things are running smoothly. Down 1.5 pounds in the last two days, but still don’t expect to lose much more. The most important thing right now is exercising and eating low cholesterol so I can get better numbers at the lab next month.

Not expecting any changes in thyroid levels. I can tell by how thick and fast my hair is growing that I’m not low on that. Could still be borderline, though. Anything less than 75mcgs and my hair thins and stops growing.

Totally NOT looking forward to seeing Dr. A AND my dentist AND the sleep specialist. We both have our doubts as far as him fixing my non-24 problem and as for sleeping shitty and waking up a lot… that’s just part of my never-ending perimenopause. I do feel like I’m getting closer to menopause, though, based on how long this has gone on and most of the symptoms lessening. Still hot flash at times but have been anxiety-free and am determined to stay that way, especially since that’s been the worst symptom for me.

Should be going to an eye doc soon. We both need new glasses, but our insurance company was playing games with us. We’re just trying to avoid specialists so they don’t jump on things that are just borderline. He does have a cataract growing in one eye but isn’t anywhere close to needing surgery. My OH is probably still borderline, but that doesn’t mean I’ve got glaucoma.

Pretty sure Nane showed up in my dreams last night, but don’t remember how. I do remember a large brown rat following me into a hotel room. It hopped alongside me down the walkway and to the door. When I opened the door it hopped into the room, then had fun jumping in and out of the peephole that was only a foot high and much wider than normal.

Later…

Met the “Twenties” tonight. First I met Jon. He came out and said hello when he saw me put my banana peel in the trash that’s now out on the street along with the recycle bin. I was going to walk, but it’s surprisingly cool and windy out there now. Hey, this is NorCal.

He was surprised I knew the meaning of his last name. He was also surprised (though it was no surprise to me) when I told him about the water damage repair work Jackie had done prior to selling out, which he didn’t know about. He said something about replacing the water tank heater, dry rot, problems caused by the sprinkler system, and having to have it tented for beetles.

So that’s why there was a guy out measuring, huh? No garage going up. Well, good. I wasn’t exactly keen on the idea of listening to them beat and pound in a garage for a week or two. I remember when the lady on the other corner had her house tented before selling it. He asked if we had any problems with beetles under the house, but as far as I know, everything is fine even though no one’s been down in the crawl space for quite a while.

A few minutes after Jon and I started talking, Carolyn came out to meet me. They asked what year our house was. Theirs is a 1985, two years younger than ours.

They said they were retired although they sell rocks from around the world on eBay. They also asked what we did and I just told them that Tom worked in a warehouse while I worked at home as a software/program tester and a writer. He said he admired writers because it was one thing he definitely wasn’t.

They said something about how they have coffee in the mornings on the front patio (suggesting I’m welcome to join them) but didn’t have any real schedule. As I told them, neither do I, which is why they could see me out at seven in the morning, lunchtime, or even in the middle of the night.

Played with the rats a bit. They’re almost full-grown but still have a ways to go. Simon’s the least friendly, but he tolerates being handled and has no problem taking food from my hand. Dumbo’s the most playful, and Burkey Boy’s my soft, shiny cuddly fave.

Burke and Dumbo are playing “pin the opponent” now. Boxing was earlier, but now Burke’s doing a good job of pinning Dumbo onto his back. I’m not surprised. He’s the dominant rat, after all. They’re so cute to watch. I gotta make a vid some night of them playing. They get up around 7pm.

I’m totally loving my new skier. HR averages 126 on it. A little low for me, but still up there. Fitbit thinks I’m using an elliptical machine since the arms move in a similar motion.

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 3, 2016 Aly hasn’t tweeted yesterday or today so far to explain what was so “sneaky” that needed investigating, but I’m sure she’s in touch with Kim and others on other social media and apps.

I went private again on Twitter because no one seemed to be able to follow me simply because they wanted to, and then when I was dumb enough to follow back, thus allowing them to message me, it would always be because they wanted something. I felt like I was in jail again with all the beggars.

Then again, they could tweet to me but they couldn’t message me so long as I didn’t add them, so maybe I’ll go public again.

I absolutely love my new skier! Or air walker, as they call it. It’s so quiet that it’s much easier to listen to audiobooks and watch shows while I’m using it. It’s much easier to move too, unlike the treadmill which damn near weighs as much as me, and it leaves a smaller footprint, too.

The HR reading is definitely low while the calorie count is too high. It tried to tell me I burned 300 calories in just 10 minutes. No way. That usually takes about an hour of exertion. Also, it was saying my HR was in the 80s-90s. That’s more like my resting HR. My walking HR is 120s-130s, and when I break into a run it’s in the 140s-150s.

I expected my hips or knees to be a bit sore today, but instead, my calves are sore, especially the area right below the backs of my knees. Taking the day off to let them heal. After today, my regular workout schedule will be Monday-Friday with Wednesdays off on the Bowflex, and Monday-Friday on the skier. How much skiing time I do per day will depend on whether I’m also walking outdoors. I’m not quitting hitting the open road, I’m just not going to run as much.

Tom can’t use it because it has a 225-pound weight limit. I’m worlds away from that, but I just beat the height requirement by an inch, LOL.

TUESDAY, AUGUST 2, 2016 “My gut feeling says something sneaky is going on. Investigating will have to wait until tomorrow though.”

And yet another Aly riddle that will no doubt be deleted and not elaborated upon. Probably pertains to Kim, but who knows?

My new “hip joint-friendly” skier has arrived! It definitely has a much smaller (and lighter) footprint than the treadmill. That treadmill damn near weighs as much as I weigh!

Do I think increasing my exercise to an hour a day will cause me to lose weight? No, I don’t. Not as a middle-aged female with Hashimoto’s. I do, however, expect it to make it harder to gain weight and keep me fit and strong with good flexibility and stamina. I’m also hoping it will lower my bad cholesterol. Plus, I’ve got the Bowflex as well.

Thinking I’ll post old journal highlights by the month on my-diary, Tumblr and LiveJournal, and by the year on Blogger and Prosebox.

Last night I dreamed I was swimming indoors somewhere with a handful of other people. I don’t know if I was on a ship or what, but I felt wonderful. The temperature of the water was perfect, the huge room we were in was gorgeous, and the soft music playing was beautiful as well. I felt my eyes sting with happy tears and I tried not to let them spill over thus causing me to be a little embarrassed.

A split second later I was in some ocean or lake with a U-shaped shoreline. It was pitch dark and I could barely make out my surroundings or any of the people around me as we all scrambled for shore. I swam into some brush dangling over the side and realized I could now touch the bottom. A minute later I was out of the water and we were heading down a dark deserted street. We came upon an old telephone barely visible under a streetlight. Somebody tried to call out from it to let others know where we were, but it wouldn’t work.

MONDAY, AUGUST 1, 2016 “Go ahead and keep your secrets. Only…in the world of social media, do you actually think you have secrets? Cuz you don’t. Nice try!”

This is Aly’s latest riddle. My first thought was that she stumbled upon the story journal I set up under a bogus name in another account on Prosebox and realized I was behind it, but then I quickly decided it was probably aimed at Kim. Kim probably set up another account that she didn’t tell her about, and then when she found out about it, it hurt her feelings because she felt “left out.”

I found she deleted the tweet when I got up this morning, so yeah, she just wanted Kim to see it and hopefully take the hint so that she didn’t have to confront her directly and risk getting dumped and then stalked for half a decade or more.

The house with the double-door garage got a new dishwasher delivered and installed, but other than some vehicle door slamming and hammering, it was a quiet day.

Stacey called at 9:30 this morning and I rescheduled my appointment with her for the morning of the 11th.

That’s pretty much it for today. Looking forward to my new skier arriving tomorrow. Busy building a “Skier” list on Amazon Prime Music since I’ll need all the entertainment I can get as boring as it will be. This should be easier to listen to books and watch TV with since it’s quiet, unlike the treadmill.

Later…

Aly and Kim did exactly what I knew they would do and changed links on Twitter. I’m just surprised it took this long. Not sure why they couldn’t simply protect their tweets, but I’m not going to bother hunting the new links. I just don’t give a shit about them anymore. They’re both way in the past and that’s the way it stays.

Our laundry/bath tiles have arrived as well! The flower design in the centers is the same, just different colors. The kitchen flower is a dark pinkish red with a green and white background. The laundry/bath tiles are mauve with the flower being a darker mauve.

It's windy and cold tonight, so I will definitely be working out indoors.

The new heater I put by my desk is both compact and kick-ass.

I also got my new 10-pack of assorted bath bombs. Love how they're the size of tennis balls instead of golf balls. I used the grape soda first. The only ones I might not like so much are eucalyptus and whatever the sinus relief one is. There was also blueberry, sandalwood, Cinna bun-bun, cucumber melon, snickerdoodle, lavender sage and pumpkin spice.

First I dreamed that somebody boarded up a large window in the center of a large wall because I complained that the work that had been done on the windows to the sides drove me crazy. So they were kind enough to just simply board it up rather than continue working on them, haha.

In another dream, I was on the road somewhere, maybe in the back of a van. I was on the phone talking to some young guy who said his girlfriend was everything he ever wanted and that he was set for life with her. I wondered if he was too young to be correct about that.

In the last dream, I was on probation for something when I suddenly realized I had failed to report for a while. In an attempt to cover my ass, I called and left a message with what I think was a female PO, saying that I tried to call her several times and was wondering why she hadn’t been out to see me. Then again, as I pointed out to her, it was only over something I said or wrote and not a violent crime that warranted being on probation in the first place, so I would understand if she didn’t bother with me.

Well, rest assured that I will never again allow any person, group or organization to legally screw me because of something I said or wrote that wasn’t threatening! If I’ve got something to say, I’ll say it, and no law is going to change that.

[juliepinsononline]

After a little drama, soap stars' lives mesh Julie Pinson, Billy Warlock see their styles unite

By Diana McKeon Charkalis Special for USA TODAY July 6, 2007

LOS ANGELES — If marriage is about compromise, Julie Pinson and Billy Warlock got a crash course after their wedding last summer. That's when the daytime TV stars decided to renovate part of the 1930 three-bedroom, Spanish-style house that Pinson purchased in 2001.

Pinson, who stars as femme fatale Billie Reed on NBC's Days of Our Lives, looked around her living room, with its floral sofa and pink accents, and realized the ultra-girly stuff had to go. "I wanted to have a front room where I could be proud to have a cocktail party and not be embarrassed about my furniture," says Pinson, 39.

Warlock, 46, who plays political campaign manager Ben Hollander on CBS' The Young and the Restless, also had his preferences — like making sure he kept his oversized black leather massage chair. "My main criteria was that I wanted the house to be comfortable with a place for us to put our feet up."

To help them figure out how to make it work, they hired celebrity designer Kenneth Brown, whose reDesign airs on HGTV. "We decided to start with a clean slate and then bring in pieces they both agreed on," Brown says. "I think starting fresh allows people to see things with new eyes."

By switching from white walls to a warmer palette and adding details like crown molding, the house matured. "This was very much a single girl's house," Brown says. "Now it's a very sophisticated married celebrity couple's home."

Feminine elements still populate the kitchen, which remains the domain of Pinson, a highly skilled baker. She has a new cake-decorating station, a slab of counter Brown designed at a convenient height that allows Pinson to sit and work for hours. On this day she created a pink, three-layer cake adorned with 40 roses and "about 10 pounds of butter-cream frosting" for a family celebration.

"My cake decorating is where I get my artistry out," Pinson says. "It's very creative. And it tastes good after you're done."

Just off the kitchen is the den, a small room with a large TV where Warlock's massage chair found a home. "We put my stuff in the back of the house where nobody goes," Warlock says. "Each person has to have their own space. I have mine, and she has hers."

Pinson smiles and closes the door separating the kitchen from the den. "I can just put Billy back here with the Xbox or sports on TV, and I won't see him for hours."

Brown says clients most often experience "renovation breakdown" when work is being done on the kitchen. But for Pinson, it happened when the dining room walls were painted chocolate brown.

When Brown arrived at the house, he found Pinson in tears, clutching her Yorkie, Harry. "I never wanted to be one of those people I see on his show freaking out, but I became that person. I think I had a breakdown," Pinson says. "I like this color, and I appreciate it for what it is. It's just not my taste."

Warlock, meanwhile, approved of the paint, but he didn't press the point. "I like things more cozy; she likes them bright and airy. It's all about picking the battles. This room isn't that important to me. If she wants to change it, we'll change it."

Brown took it all in stride and suggested they take some time and live with it before making a decision.

In the living room, the couple most easily combined their senses of style. Brown replaced the white walls with a warm sandstone-colored paint and filled it with custom furniture accented by both masculine and feminine accessories.

For example, a pair of prints Brown chose to hang above a small table happily remind Pinson of her old floral sofa. "It's about finding that balance," Brown says. "We didn't want it to feel too flowery, but we didn't want it to have a billiards table."

Two new honey-colored leather chairs sit against one wall. They're beneath Warlock's colorful vintage French liquor poster that depicts a woman in a flowing dress. "He's had it for 24 years, and he's proud to say she's the only girl who's been in his life for that long besides his mom," Pinson says.

Pinson and Warlock themselves have a long history and were engaged once before, in 1999, but ended up calling off the wedding. They didn't see each other for years, but they reconnected when Warlock returned to Los Angeles for work. "Getting back together was a different feeling than the giddiness you have when you first meet someone," he says. "It's a much richer feeling."

Pinson says one reason she married Warlock is that he enjoys the feminine touches she adds to the home. Pinson suspected she'd met the man of her dreams the moment she laid eyes on his bedding. "I remember walking into his room and noticing the sheets were Ralph Lauren cabbage roses. All by himself he did that. I thought, 'This is a good sign.' "

Credit: USA Today

[servin-up-surveys]

survey #183

Do you own a pocketknife, or any other kind of multi-tool? No.

What did your mother study at university? Social work. She graduated at ~60 and I'm so proud of her determination. Shatters my heart that she hasn't been able to use her degree though; due to Covid and her cancer, she never really got the chance to intern anywhere and she hates it so much.

What was the last thing you took a video of? That's a good question.

What are some of your least favorite foods? Brussel sprouts, asparagus, pulled pork & general southern barbecue (this does not include burgers and hot dogs, those I love), beans, fried chicken, carrots, celery, and A LOT more, I am so picky it's not even fucking funny. It's mostly texture stuff. The list would probably be the vast majority of food.

How old were you when you learned how to drive? Somewhere around 17? At least, that's when I took driver's ed. I never got my license and even my permit is expired by years.

Have you ever used a public pay phone? I don't believe so.

Do you know what the most common bird is in your area? Not really, no, but crows, robins, sparrows, bluejays, cardinals, and doves are a few that come to mind immediately.

How many teeth have you had extracted? Two wisdom teeth, both within the past year. They're thankfully the only ones I have.

What's a Halloween movie that you enjoy? Hocus Pocus is my favorite.

Would you ever walk a runway if given the opportunity? No, I don't want people focusing on me.

Would you say you're in a good place mentally? No; I am absolutely in a dip lately. I'm quite sure my body has stopped responding to my key mood stabilizer so I'm in the process of finding something else that works...

What's a popular candy that you do not like? Snickers, Tootsie Rolls, Mounds, Almond Joys, and Swedish Fish to name a few.

Do you bite your nails, cut them, or keep them long? So I actually have a habit of tearing them instead of either of these?? I really need to stop, because doing it often makes a tear too deep and will sometimes bleed, but it's a looooong-going habit.

Do you ever have to babysit? Not really, like I often go with my mom on Fridays to watch my niece (and other niece and nephew when school isn't going on), but I'm not the one taking care of her needs and stuff. I'm just there to interact.

Do you sing when alone? No, I barely sing at all.

Favorite pastel color? PINK!!!!!!!!!!!!

Favorite thing cats do? THE HEART EYES. If you've got an affectionate cat, you know what I mean: it's just this way they look at you, eyes mostly closed, and it's the most loving expression I've ever seen from any animal. I am also a massive sucker for affectionate headbutts, like I just love how expressive they are of bonds.

Butterflies, or dragonflies? I love both, but I'm fonder of butterflies.

Favorite kind of candy bar? It's a specific kind of Reese's that I don't see often; think of a Hershey's bar, but turn the squares into Reese's. It is fucking divine.

Favorite childhood store? oh I was a TOTAL Toys-R-Us kid. I was so mad when our local one got replaced with another store lol

Do you dream a lot? Do you remember your dreams? More like I have nightmares a lot. It's rare that I remember details long after awakening, but the general gist is basically always me being in danger but unable to physically defend myself; I usually wake up screaming at somebody. I say fucking awful things in my sleep, things I've never even said irl and never WOULD say, and it's extremely, extremely upsetting.

Have you ever lucid dreamed? I have once and only once and that shit between me and god lmfao

Have you ever intentionally killed an animal for fun? hi no I hope there's a special place in hell for a person like this

Did the person you lost your virginity to appreciate it? Well I haven't yet, but whenever it does happen I'm sure he'll cherish that I trust him enough for that. He knows I was abstinent most of my life.

What character trait are you most ashamed of? I am VERY impulsive, especially when upset. I've gotten better about it, but I've certainly said shit in the heat of the moment I wish I hadn't.

Do you prefer waffles or pancakes? Most of my life I strongly preferred pancakes, but I'm actually more into waffles now.

Are you craving anything right now? Yes, it's been a hot damn minute since I've had a soda and I am SUFFERING, like it's pathetic.

Are you content just blending in with the crowd? Yeah. I like to have some individuality about me, but I certainly don't want to stand out starkly.

Who is your celebrity crush? Richard Kruspe, yes he's very nearly my parents' age, and

If you had to choose a random color to dye your hair, what would you choose? Pastel pink. Hopefully one day... but my hair is so fucking reluctant to take color, especially pastels, apparently.

Do you like the color orange? Yeah, it's fine. I particularly like creamsicle-esque tints.

Have you ever shunned a family member or vice-versa? Yes, both ways.

Favorite shade of blue? Turquoise, probably.

Favorite soup? I haven't really had a soup I liked since I was a child.

Do you like mangoes? So I was pretty dumbfounded to discover I hate REAL mangoes, like they're so soft and mushy and it's disgusting, but I adore the flavor of mangoes, like it's my favorite type of juice.

What do you want most? A life where I'm truly happy. No real life will ever be without some sorrow, but I've got way too much in mine.

How is your mental health? Pretty damn poor. I'm absolutely back in a depression dip.

What are you thankful for currently? In this exact moment, notably my mom. I don't know what the fuck I'm going to do whenever her life's up, and it's a fear I have daily, knowing that her cancer will eventually re-emerge and almost certainly be her cause of death.

What’s an unpopular opinion you have politically? I am not pure ACAB; I support reform, and much of it, however I just don't believe cops are inherently bad. A gross amount are, but I do believe good cops with good intentions exist.

Name a song that’s fun to sing along to. lmfao I enjoy "Bartender Song" by Rehab a lot for this

Who is tallest in your family? Uhhh... probably my brother Bobby?

Do you currently have a headache? No, thankfully. One thing not wrong.

What's the first thing you usually do when you get off work or school? When I used to be in school, I immediately did homework because I wanted it out of the way.

If you could be famous for anything, what would you choose to be famous for? Taking a really iconic photograph with a very obvious, strong message.

Who is your favorite YouTuber? Of all-time, Markiplier, but these days I've been most actively into Game Grumps and John Wolfe.

Who is the nicest person you’ve ever met? I dunno; I know a good deal of very nice people.

How about the meanest? That *I* personally know, my old friend Colleen. She was so fucking hateful and just generally unpleasant, and the kind of asshole who was a garbage individual to people in customer service, and over NO good reasons. The only reason I ever stayed friends with her so long was my own loneliness; at a time she was the only person outside family I ever, ever saw/did things with. That and I give people way too many damn chances, like our friendship broke apart many times prior to the final "okay I'm done."

What was the last thing you spoke to your mom about? I asked her what she went to Food Lion for.

When is the last time you felt appreciated for something you did? Ummm, I'm not totally sure at this very moment. Well actually probably yesterday; Girt came by after work and he had food ordered and I got it in for him, I know he appreciated that, even if it's just a small thing.

Are you the type of person who gets straight to the point? HAHAHA NO, I ramble like a MOTHERfucker, even when I totally don't intend it.

Do you enjoy playing board games? I actually really don't, they're just not very fun to me. Like some are okay, but I'm not having a great time. Way back when when Girt and I were just friends and he'd visit occasionally, we had a routine of generally playing board games, and honestly I don't miss that lmfao. I do enjoy Battleship though, and that's one we'd play a good amount.

Are there any movies you are wanting to see? THE FUCKING BARBIE MOVIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 😭 ugh no one wants to go with me and it sucks SO hard, I am absofuckinglutely seeing it when it comes to televisions, though.

Do you feel uncomfortable when people you hardly know confide in you? Honestly not at all, I'm very open to anyone confiding in me if they feel safe to; you never know if that person has really been holding shit in, and they see something in you they haven't in others.

What’s something you’re proud of yourself for? Coming as far as I have in healing my legs.

Have you ever gone over 3 months without shaving/waxing your legs? It's been like... three years, dude. I keep them covered always though, just because of societal expectations; my hair is extremely dark and anyone getting even a glimpse of them mortifies me. I stopped as my body got so unhealthy that shaving them became so exhausting and challenging that I just. Couldn't keep up with maintaining them. I want laser hair removal on my legs one day.

Have you ever swam in a saltwater pool? Yes, the pool for physical therapy was saltwater.

Do you think anyone has given up on you? At least three people, probably more.

Have you ever been pregnant? No.

Have you taken anyone’s virginity? Obviously not, given an earlier question.

Have you ever made your boy/girlfriend choose between you and someone else? No.

Do you remember when some of the Walmarts had a McDonald’s in them? Well yes, our local one has exactly that.

What is one recipe that you would like to learn how to make? This upcoming Thanksgiving, I want Mom to teach me how to make the fresh bread she did last year; it was the best bread I'd ever tasted in my entire fucking life and I want to know it for my own future. I need to learn way, way more basic cooking, though...

Do you believe that Jesus will come back in your lifetime? He never is.

Were you afraid of heights as a child? No, but I am as an adult.

Have you ever had a lead role in a play? No. Well, I super faintly remember being Mary in a Sunday school thing, but it was just an in-class little thing. Gotta love teaching little girls about a mystically impregnated virgin pre-teen.

Do you have a chandelier in your home? No.

Are you a Jeffree Star fan? Or no? Yes, he's a public figure that to me has exhibited more growth than any other human I've been exposed to. There are behaviors I disagree with, but no person is all white or all black when it comes to being a moral or bad person.

Do you own a guitar? Specify. Which brand of guitar do you own? I no longer do; I had an electric guitar from a brand I can't recall (nothing impressive, very basic), but I sold it to a parts shop when I was trying to scrounge up money to afford my newest tattoo.

Are you a monogamous person? Or do you hate commitment? I personally am, but I have no problem with polygamous individuals, so long as they're open about this with their partners.

Who was the last person who was rude to you? My mom; a few days ago, something she did/said made me cry for a while.

Have you ever met someone in person that you first met online? Sara, yes. There are a number of other long-time online friends I want to physically meet one day.

Who do you know who is dyslexic? I feel like I remember hearing that my niece Aubree is? She's autistic and I at LEAST know Mom has said she exhibits traits of it.

Is weed legal in your state? No, NC is behind in the times in MANY regards.

What is something that you used to be ashamed of, but now you’re not? As a child, I became very embarrassed by my obsession with Pokemon because I was a girl and it was "weird;" it's because of this I never asked my mom for games and I never wanted anyone to see me explore the Pokemon website. As an adult though, I'm totally open about my love for the franchise, I know partially BECAUSE it's so loved nowadays. Even as a pre-k kid, my embarrassment reaction was SO insanely strong and I never, ever wanted people to see me as a weird girl. I still carry that behavior today, just with different stuff.

Have you ever held a newborn baby? Yes, when my youngest niece was born. I was seated though, I was way too scared to hold her otherwise.

Out of all your usernames for websites, which one is your favorite? Do you use it for more than one site? Ozzkat, it's the classic and what I use for the majority of places.

Have you ever spent the whole day (or multiple days) just looking up one thing on the internet (e.g., videos of your favorite band, how-to videos, quizzes, etc.)? hi i hyperfixate and do this shit regularly

Have you ever been in a situation where you had to be around your ex everyday? No. Well I mean, when Sara and I were still in contact, daily RP posts normally happened, but that was just a website.

Which condiment (ketchup, mustard, etc.) do you use the most of? Probably ketchup. It's funny, I hated ketchup as a kid.

Would you ever flirt with somebody in front of your parents? With my significant other, yes, so long as it wasn't too suggestive, 'cuz then it's just weird.

Have your parents ever questioned your virginity? I know my mom has. Dad probably assumes I'm not, but idk, I certainly don't talk about this with him.

How many of your friends play World of Warcraft? I have no idea; I have friends I know through the game, so obviously them, but I'm not sure if I have any "in my real life" friends who currently play. I know numerous people who have.

Is there a certain song you like to headbang to? No; surprisingly, headbanging has never been and probably never will be my thing. I don't like headaches.

Is there a garage or carport attached to your house? No.

[mutatedangels-a]

His own house was too much like a summer sanctuary for him to ruin it by bringing work over. Jamie wasn't left with much choice; it was either get swept up and distracted by all the new (and old) things at the library and fail to make a dent in planning his curricula, or head somewhere he knew he wasn't going to have any distractions.

And that place was, unfortunately, in his own office on campus.

They should really lock this whole place up—build iron bars or cement walls that rose over everything and sealed it—for the whole summer for everyone's sake. But they weren't going to do that because, well, they could count on idiots like him to come in and do some work. And if they couldn't get in, well, they'd probably try and torch the iron or jackhammer the cement.

He walked into his office with his briefcase full of things when he suddenly saw a head of blonde hair, turning around at the right time, already in there. It seemed as if they both spooked each other because Jamie honestly wasn't expecting anyone else to be around here, save for the custodial staff and groundskeepers.

It was Tobi.

What the hell was she doing here?

"You're the one who scared the crap outta me, kiddo," he protested, circling past her to set his things down at his desk. He took a sip of his thermos full of warm coffee before setting that down too.

At this closer distance he could see how summer had left an imprint on her. She was just the slightest bit tan, freckles coming out of her face. Her hair was freshly dyed a hot pink, not almost-fading like it was when they saw each other about a month ago. Her clothes, he'd never seen before, but he could tell it was a hot day outside due to the very lack of them.

But perhaps, most noticeable, most detrimental, were the hickeys she sported around her neck like medals.

He tried not to mention it. A frog was lodged in his throat.

With a clear of his throat, he thought to address the package she delivered. His brow lifted.

"You brought me... alcohol?" A pause, then he snickered, pulling it out of its package and admiring it for a moment. It was the expensive stuff.

"Well, now that you mention it I was looking forward to finding your replacement in a couple of weeks—" about how much they had left before school was back in session— "but you put me in a tough spot bringing me such a nice gift."

Nevertheless, Jamie wore a smile. Albeit, somewhat forced. Still bitter about the whole hickeys thing, so he just looked at her dead-on in her big green eyes as much as he could. (Though something was peeving him off, it was clear on his face.) "So I think it's safe to say you've still got your spot for now."

"No, but, I can't---"

Fighting him was fruitless, wasn't it? He didn't flinch, he didn't even hesitate. Tobi frowned, following him as he went and cashed out. This was absurd. She hadn't done anything to deserve that sort of thing, and it wasn't that deep...

She was so fixated on what had just happened that the sound of her own name being called made her jump. It took everything in her power to try and look happy about the whole situation. It wasn't Ryan's fault that she was using him to fill a void in her life. Maybe if she tried hard enough, she could make him fill the Jamie-shaped emptiness in her soul.

Doubtful, but damn, she could try.

"Well, I..." She wrinkled her nose a little at the idea of going back to whatever nonsense her life had become. After a pause, she looked at him and her expression softened.

"Thank you."

Tobi reached and gently squeezed his hand in lieu of a hug. Between her legs being uncooperative and her boyfriend's gaze on them, a hug wasn't particularly in the cards.

"Took you long enough to notice I wasn't beside you, Ryan," Tobi teased gently. A pair of piercing blue eyes looked Jamie over. October rolled her eyes.

"I'll see you soon, professor. C'mon, Ryan, let's go. Watch where you walk this time, yeah?"

The next few weeks felt...hollow. The void wasn't being filled. Half the time, the cover over it didn't even help. Her emotions just kept getting sucked into the void, pulled from her and held hostage until she had what she needed.

It was late summer, a few weeks before classes were set to start again. Tobi walked down the mostly empty halls, a bag on her back and a small package in her hand, nearly clutched to her chest.

The path was familiar, so familiar she could do it in her sleep. She was lucky enough that his office had stayed the same place it always had been, otherwise, this situation would have been a lot harder.

Slowly, carefully, she opened the door, peering in. October crept towards the desk, gingerly placing the package there before ehe was immediately startled by another human being. She let out a shriek and scrambled back before---

"Professor! Jesus christ!"

Tobi started to laugh, her hand resting over her heart as it raced.

"Holy shit, am I going to have to put little jingly bells on you so I know where you are at all times?! My god, aren't you old folk supposed to be creaky or something?!"

She let out a sigh.

"I brought you a gift. Didn't want to be caught and have security question why I have liquor on my person, so I figured I'd do it real sneaky before classes start in a few weeks. That was, of course, until you nearly peer pressured my soul out of my body."

As she stood there, she grinned at him, all short shorts and lace crop top, hickies on her neck and fresh pink hair dye in her bangs. The light freckles on her cheeks and shoulders indicated she had gotten a little sun over the past few weeks.

She looked like the spontaneous college girl she should be. She looked...something resembling happy. That happy didn't quite meet her eyes, or match her, but she was doing her damned best.

"Miss me yet, old man? Or have scoped out my replacement yet?"

[aceopmari]

Hidan, Deidara, Sasori, and Kakuzu w/a teammate that has a ‘London Tipton’ personality.

Akatsuki Masterlist

TW: Slightly suggestive themes.

The Akatsuki gathered in the hideout that evening. They looked at their leader with anticipation.

 Today they would be meeting their newest member.

 Pain spoke.

 “Everyone, we have a new member joining our organization. Her name is-“

 “-MAKE WAYYYYY!” A cherry voice rang.

 “Y/N L/N coming through!”

 Everyone turned to see you, sitting on a mountain top of sparkly pink bags that were on a cart.

 You had redesigned the Akatsuki cloak, cutting it into a two piece one shouldered top that revealed your cleavage and midriff along with a short skirt that had a hip slit.

 You had redyed the cloud patterns from red to pink. The white outlines were replaced with a super sparkly ones to match your pink sparkly sandals.

 Tobi was excitedly, pushing your said cart.

 When you got close enough to the others, Tobi stopped pushing. You immediately hopped off the cart before waving with both hands at everyone.

 “Sorry I’m lateeee!” You sang.

 You turned to Pain who raised an eyebrow at you.

 “I had to pack all of my designer clothes in all 30 of my bags!”

 “You’re little butler came in handy though,” you say as you point your thumbs to Tobi who passed out from exhaustion.

 The other Akatsuki members had mixed reactions.

 Who was this girl and why was she casually parading the hideout, half dressed, and with so many bags?

 “Y/N…” Pain says flatly.

 “…This isn’t a vacation. Tobi is not your butler.”

 “Well I needed someone to help me push my stuff. By the way, I need someone to help me unload my portable hot tub,” you stated.

 A big smile spread on Hidan’s face. “Did that doll just say hot tub?”

 “Shut. Up. Hidan,” Kakuzu hissed.

 Pain scanned your skimpy attire with a raised eyebrow.

 “Y/N…you’re clothes…it’s…”

 “Do you like it, Daddy? I made it cute and added some SPARKLES!” You cheered as you did a little dance.

 “I even made it match my nails!” You showed him your long nails that had pink Akatsuki clouds on it.

 Now Pain was baffled. Did you just call him daddy?

 You called him that because you saw him as your savior.

 You real dad was a billionaire tycoon. You killed him for the pettiest reason as he took away your allowance.

 This pissed off a lot of people including business partners and gangs.

 You were left on your own and were labeled a missing nin.

 That was when Pain found and recruited you into the Akatsuki.

 Now that you had presented yourself in such a frivolous and flamboyant manner, Pain was starting to have second thoughts about bringing you into his cause.

 Then again, there was your special power that he found to be useful.

 He just had to wonder how you’d fair with the others as teammates.

 You took notice of the other Akatsuki who just stared at you with a mixture of either confused, shocked, or bored expressions.

 You tilted your head.

 “Daddy? Who are all these poor people?”

  Hidan:  

To Hidan, you were the eye candy of the Akatsuki. A piece of fine ass and nothing more.

“You’re scythe would be a lot prettier with some sparkles, Hidan!”

“You’re necklace is so vintage! Is it designer?”

“Who’s Jashin? Ooh! Is he a royal prince from another country?”

Sure you may have said a lot of stupid things, but shit you were a lot more fun to talk to than Kakuzu!

Not to mention pretty to look at. It was nice to travel the road with a nice pair of tits.

He wanted to try his luck and get under that skirt of yours, but you just seemed too innocent.

The two of you were sitting together outside of the “stinky collection office” when you sparked an idea.

“Hey, when the old guys not looking, let’s swipe some of that money and go shopping!” You sang.

Hidan looked at you in bewilderment, “the hell? I’m not going shopping!”

You pouted cutely before hugging his arm. You then rub your breasts against it. “But who’s gonna tell me if my bikini looks nice on me? That it fits in all the right places?”

Hidan grinned at the sight as your soft breasts continued to tickle his arm. Bikini shopping? Oh he was sold!

You had stepped out of the fitting room at the store where Hidan was waiting for you.

A grin spread across his face as he takes in your figure that was wrapped nicely in the lacy red bra and thong bottom set.

A look of confusion spreads across your face as you stared at your outfit. “This bikini you picked out feels really weird…”

“Are you kidding, Dollface? Red lace is all the rage these days,” he says.

You smiled. “Then I’ll buy it!”

Hidan smirked, “good. Make sure you wear that around the hideout too. For me.”

The night didn’t stop there because you dragged Hidan to a bar.

You were a lot of fun and such a big spender.

The fun sadly came to an end when you and Hidan met an angry Kakuzu back at the hideout. His angry green eyes bore into you.

“I’LL KILL YOU!”

Kakuzu charged towards you but Hidan immediately blocked him with his scythe.

“GET OUT OF THE WAY HIDAN!” Kakuzu shouted.

“No way! I’m not letting you kill off our only source of eye candy around here!” Hidan barked back.

“Get em Hidan!” You cheered.

A fight soon broke out which ended with Hidan’s head getting chopped off. Finally letting off enough steam, Kakuzu stormed off.

You had rushed over to his side and picked up his head. Hidan gave you a lazy smile.

“You alright, gorgeous?”

You smiled at him, “my hero!”

You kissed his cheek, staining it with your hot pink designer lipstick.

  Kakuzu:  

Kakuzu disliked you since day one.

Hidan was insufferable enough.

Just why the hell were you a part of the Akatsuki anyway?

You were sitting on the couch with him and Hidan at the hideout. You stared at Kakuzu as he counted the money from his latest bounty collect.

“So how do you have so many hearts?” You asked him.

“I stole them from village elders…” he answered simply.

You blushed as you brought your hands to your chest.

“How romantic!!!”

Kakuzu twitched in annoyance as Hidan laughed.

“That’s not what I meant, you idiot…

“Do you think I’m pretty?” You asked him.

“No…” he says coldly.

You brought your manicured hands to your lips as you let out loud exaggerated gasp which makes him cringe.

You turn to Hidan and pout.

“Hidan do you think I’m pretty?”

He smirks as he brings his eyes to your boobs. “You’re banging gorgeous, Dollface!”

You squeal as you clap your hands together “YAY ME!”

“You’re both insufferable…” Kakuzu said.

You pouted as you glared at him. “Oh Cockatoo! Even with all that money you’re still POOR!”

Hidan threw his head back, laughing at the nickname. “Cockatoo?! Ha ha! Oh babe you crack me up!”

Kakuzu narrowed his eyes at you. “At least I can spell poor…”

You glared at him, “I can too spell poor!”

“P-O-“ you look up at the ceiling as you tilt your head in confusion. “Uh…”

Kakuzu rolled his eyes, “pathetic…”

“Who needs you Cockatoo?! You’re meaner than that two tails Juju-Key lady we fought!” You snapped.

”Jinchuriki, you idiot…” Kakuzu corrected.

”Shut up!” You hissed.

You then crawl over to Hidan’s lap to straddle him, earning a smirk from the silver haired Jashinist.

“Hidan! There’s a small village nearby! Let’s go out and sacrifice some more poor people to Prince Jashin!”

“Now you’re talking, gorgeous!” Hidan laughed as he snaked his hand to your ass.

You giggle and hug him wrapping your arms around his neck. “You’re the best Hidan!”

Hidan smirked over your shoulder before he glanced at your bare hip that was revealed under your skirt. He shamelessly lifted it to reveal what was underneath.

“You are too, Princess.” He grins.

Kakuzu glanced up from his money and stared at your bare ass that was revealed by the thong Hidan picked out for you.

His eyes met Hidan who gave him a knowing smirk.

Hidan was at least right about one thing: you were a piece of fine ass. He’ll try not to kill you as much.

“Ooh! I know!” You squealed as you jumped off of Hidan’s lap. You made an exaggerated stance and hand sign.

“Why don’t I show you guys my Kiki Genki thingy?”

An awkward silence fills the room as you gave the two men a big smile.

“You mean Kekkei Genkai?” Hidan asks.

Realization went through Kakuzu’s mind.

So that’s why Leader made you join the Akatsuki.

“I can make the sky all hot, blue, and sparkly!” You sang as you did a cute little dance.

Hidan laughed as Kakuzu raised an eyebrow.

So you could use lightening style. That piqued his interest.

“Look at this!” You cheered. You made random hand signs.

ZAP!

Lightening then shot out of nowhere…

…and onto Kakuzu’s money briefcase causing it to catch on fire.

Kakuzu widened his eyes. “NO!”

Hidan widened his eyes. He’d never imagined you’d be so powerful. “Whoa…”

You jumped up and squealed as you clapped your hands together. “Ooh! I made a fire! YAY ME!”

Kakuzu brought out his tendrils towards you.

“I’M GOING TO KILL YOU!”

You widened your eyes in fear. “Uh oh…”

  Deidara:

Like Hidan, Deidara thought you were a pretty face.

Considering how you showed interest in his art, he was at least nicer to you than Kakuzu.

…If only you weren’t so ignorant though…

“How do you eat with those cute little hand mouth thingies?”

Cute?! His art wasn’t meant to be cute! His art was an explosion!

“Hey Deidara, can I feed your hand mouth thingies?”

“They’re not thingies! They’re tools to help perfect my art, hm!” He said you.

“Can you make me a pony?” You cooed.

Deidara looked at you like you were an idiot. “What?”

You pouted, “I want a pony! Now make me a pony!”

Deidara didn’t know how, but you managed to convince him to make you a giant clay pony.

Deidara smirked as he watched you squeal with delight at the sight.

“I’m glad someone appreciates my art, hm.”

You start doing some hand signs, “Now to give it some more SPARKLESSSS!”

Suddenly the clay pony was now covered in sparkles of different colors.

“I have a pretty pony! YAY ME!” You clapped your hands together.

Deidara stared at the studded pony in awe. “Wow…it’s…beautiful…”

In his eyes, you had an eye for art.

The two of you found yourselves spending time together, going on shopping trips or going on missions together.

“Deidara look at those poor people!” You say with a smile as you point down below to a house.

“Let’s blow them up!” You smiled.

Deidara smirked at you. “Why? Do you wanna blow up poor people so much?”

“Don’t ask questions! Just do it! Show these uncultured peasants what true art is!” You say.

Deidara laughed and happily complied with your suggestion.

He really did enjoy spending time with you.

Deidara appreciated it when you would go out your way to buy him nice things. Like designer hair ties and even designer clay.

“I had this designer clay imported from another country!” You say happily.

Deidara widened his eyes. “You did all this for me?! But how? And…why?”

Your eyes soften as you smile at him. “Cuz your my BFF, Dei Dei!” You cooed. You gave him a few air kisses on each ‘cheek’ before leaving.

Deidara never would have thought that anyone would go out of their way to help him perfect his art.

And did you just call him Dei Dei?

He felt his heartstrings tug a bit as the feeling of warmth filled him inside.

You may have not been the brightest, but you sure were the sweetest. Maybe Deidara was starting to feel something towards you?

“Deidara, why do you call Sasori your man? Are you two together?” You asked him suddenly when you were together at the hideout.

Deidara flushed as he widened his eyes at you. “What? No! I’m not-I mean i call everyone here ‘my man’.”

You let out an exaggerated gasp.

“Oh. My. GOD! Am I a man too?!”

Deidara sweatdropped, “No Y/N it’s just-“

You started undoing your top. “Deidara, I’m gonna need you to check! I need to know the truth!”

Deidara’s face got even redder as your cleavage started coming more into full view.

“Whoa! Y/N what are you-?!”

BOING!

Blood immediately shot out of Deidara’s nose as he fell back.

You screamed as his blood coated your bare breasts.

“Ewwww! Poor people blood!”

You stormed away from Deidara, leaving him in a dazed state as more blood leaked from his nose.

  Sasori:

To say Sasori didn’t like you, was an understatement.

Between the dumb questions, your incompetence, and you constantly begging him to go shopping, he felt like he was going to burst into flames.

He was absolutely baffled when you told him that you thought that the Akatsuki were an elite fashion club that wore matching outfits.

He never would have thought he’d feel anger like this. Not since he’d became a puppet anyways.

“Why do you play with that bug doll thing?” You asked him.

“It’s not a doll. Hiruko is my puppet armor,” He said flatly.

“But Sasori, you’re like 15…”

“I’m 35, you brat!”

You let out an exaggerated gasp which made Sasori cringe.

“Oh my gosh, really? Your skin looks flawless! Not even a single wrinkle! What’s your secret, Sasori?” You asked.

“Get out! I’m busy!” Sasori hissed.

You pouted, “you’re so mean! That’s no way to talk to your wife!”

Sasori looked at you like you were insane.

“We’re not married, you-!”

“Yes we are! See?” You raised up your pinky showing your Akatsuki ring.

“Daddy gave all of us matching custom rings and everything!” You say with a pout.

Sasori deadpanned. You really were an idiot…

What Sasori didn’t imagine, was what you would do next…

He bursted into his room to see you with his puppet.

You smiled at him. “Sasori! Look! I made Hickory all pretty!”

Sasori widened his eyes in horror.

There stood Hiruko dressed in a sparkly pink gown, a blonde wig, heavy makeup, and lashes.

“I’ve been putting pretty dresses on your dolls! Aren’t it pretty?”

Sasori’s eyes darkened. He suddenly took off his Akatsuki cloak revealing the ropes and blades on his body.

You gasped in horror. “SASORI?!”

You gave him an incredulous look. “…You got plastic surgery?!”

The blades on his body started spinning which made you shrink back in fear.

“Um…S-Sasori?”

He raised a menacing hand towards you.

“DIE…”

A/N: Likes and reblogs are appreciated!

Part 2 ft Deidara and Sasori

[bby666k]

Crush - Andrew Detmer x Reader

Summary: Andrew isn’t used to having friends- he’s also not used to pretty girls asking if he’s okay.

Tags/warnings: andrew detmer x fem!reader, friends to lovers, fluff, andrew getting the love he deserves goddammit

A/N: I FINALLT FUCKIN DID IT YALL IT TOOK ME LIKE THREE MONTHS BHT I MADE THE ANDREW X READER LMAOOO

It had been barely a week since you met Andrew at the barn party, and he hadn’t stopped thinking about you since.

You had a certain kindness, a warmth in your eyes, that made his heart skip a beat and filled his nervous stomach with butterflies. He could barely stand to look you in the eye, as much as he wanted to, and he always prayed to god you never noticed. All he ever wanted was to impress you, to keep you, to see you smile at him and ask him how he was doing.

The way you met was enough to make him fall in love in itself- he was crying outside, alone with nothing more than his camera. Then came you, you with your ripped tights and chipped black nail polish, you who asked if he was okay and asked again after he swore he didn’t hear you right. It was you who sat with him and talked for an hour, telling him that things would be okay, listening to him spill everything he had been holding in for so long. And when he’d stopped crying, when you had to go home, it was you who uncapped the black sharpie with your teeth and wrote your number on his arm to “talk to me whenever you want- even if it’s not about deep stuff.”

Now it was him, sitting in your bedroom on your bed, his face beet red and flushed with nerves. He was trying to listen to you talk about the album that was playing after you slipped it into your pink CD player, but all he could focus on was how pretty you were, god how pretty you were, and how he didn’t have the guts to contribute much more than a “that’s cool” to the conversation. Thankfully, you didn’t really seem to mind. You were good at keeping the conversation going, asking him questions and bringing up new topics when you knew he was too shy to bring them up himself. Occasionally, he’d have to remind himself of how surreal it was to be sitting in the bedroom of a cute girl, after she had invited him to come over and play Mortal Kombat. The feeling never fully went away, but there were times where he forgot, and could feel himself grinning and being pulled more and more into the conversation and the ease that you tried your hardest to give him with a warm smile and random “are you okay?”s and “are you having fun? We can do something else if you want.”

There was a moment of brief silence while he looked at you, your favorite album playing and being muffled by the noises in his head. He suddenly found himself blurting out the words that has truthfully been on his mind all week.

“Why did you talk to me? At Haven Hills.”

You paused, glancing at him briefly and pursing your lips. Truthfully, it was more of an impulse decision when you noticed him crying on the wet grass. He looked so alone, so miserable. There was something about him- maybe just something about people who were in pain- that made you want to make him happy, and make him feel cared for. He looked almost like a reflection of yourself from the days when you felt so isolated and deflated. The separation from the crowd while they danced inside a place that you never really felt you belonged in.

“I don’t know- you were upset, and I wanted to make you feel better.” You told him. “You looked like you needed a friend.”

Andrew hesitated, furrowing his brows and staring down at the carpet, thinking. “So… Is that why you invited me over, then? You just wanted to make me feel better?”

“Of course not,” you replied. “I wanted to hang out with you because I thought you seemed cool. And you are- y’know… Cool, I mean.”

Andrew’s frown faded, being replaced with a shy smile. “Thanks,” he mumbled. “You’re cool, too. I mean… really cool. Way too cool to hang out with me.”

“Dude, are you kidding?” You grinned at him. “You’re awesome, Andrew. You’re funny, you’re sweet, you’re almost as good as me at Mortal Kombat, I could go on.”

Andrew giggled, making your heart skip a beat. God, he’s pretty.

The two of you hung out at your apartment for hours, switching between videogames, baking cookies, and talking about anything and everything. Once Andrew had relaxed (as much as he could, anyway) and felt more comfortable talking about himself to you, you both realized you had a lot in common- but it was when the sun fell behind the trees and stars lit up the sky that you started to talk about more than just your music taste and favorite movies.

You only had one lamp in your room, a bulb without a shade that sat on your bedside table. You were both tired and done for, lying on your bed on your backs under the dim yellow light. Andrew was playing with the loose threads of his sleeves as he stole little glances at you, always flicking his gaze back to the ceiling before you could catch him. You had seen him staring at you all day- you weren’t stupid, and you could tell when someone was into you. You’d seen the way he looked at you, and the way he got flustered when you looked into his eyes and teased him. He always looked so cute like that- blushing and smiling down at his hands in his lap whenever you complimented him.

“I, um…” Andrew started, clearing his throat. “I’ve had a really nice time… by the way,” he mumbled quietly, stealing a quick glance at your facial expressions a couple times.

“I’m glad.” You beamed, turning over on your side to look at him. You nestled your hands under your cheek. “I’ve had a lot of fun, too.”

Andrew hesitated before mimicking your position, turning to face you. You could see his face was dusted with pink, avoiding your gaze. There was no denying that your faces were awfully close to one another, so much so that you could smell the soft scent of his cologne and he could smell the flowers in your shampoo. His skin looked so soft, void of imperfections, and his hauntingly blue eyes were constantly looking everywhere but you. It wasn’t an insult- far from it- you knew it was because the closeness made him nervous.

“I’ve never really done anything like this,” he blurted out, his eyes moving up to yours for a second before returning to your checkered bed sheets.

“Done anything like what?” You asked, raising a brow.

“Had friends,” he said quietly. You could feel your heart sink in your chest as he said it, furrowing your brows and pursing your lips involuntarily. “Nobody ever asks me to do stuff like this. My cousin Matt drives me to school and picks me up, but he doesn’t even say hi when he sees me in the hallways. He invited me to that stupid fucking party at Haven Hills and then he just ditched me. No one’s ever just… taken the time to talk to me. To get to know me.”

You had always been a very empathetic person, and hearing him talk about his life and how people had treated him nearly made you tear up. You wanted to pull him close to you and hold him, or caress his cheek and brush his hair out of his face, but you were afraid of coming on too strong or too quickly. You just wanted to comfort him in any way you could.

“Well, that’s fucking stupid. I love hanging out with you.” You grinned at him and his pretty blue eyes drifted up to meet yours, a smile replacing the previous frown on his lips.

Every time he looked at you, heard your voice validating him and assuring him you enjoyed his presence, he could feel himself growing more and more attached at an unsettling rate. Andrew was undoubtedly an obsessive person, and you were making it increasingly more difficult to not be obsessed with. You were so caring, so endlessly kind and sweet to him, something no one had ever bothered to do.

“I… I really love hanging out with you.” He mumbled and smiled brightly down at the sheets below him, unable to contain the excitement that was building in his chest.

“I mean, I- I really like you. You know, as a person. I mean, um- if… Unless you…” He was stumbling over his words with his heart pounding in his chest. He didn’t mean to let those words slip, a string of words that he’d never really confessed before, whether it was more obvious or not. Everything about you just made him so nervous and so happy all at the same time.

“You like me?” You smirked, looking him up and down. “You got a crush on me or something, Andrew?”

His lips parted in shock as he looked up at you with wide eyes, which didn’t last long as he couldn’t will himself to maintain the eye contact. His gaze flicked down again, then side to side, trying to think of what to say. His face was beet red at this point, and his mouth was dry, still attempting to form the right words. Come on, dude, he told himself. Just say something.

“Uh… A pretty big crush on you- yea.” His voice was quiet and airy as he smiled. He bit his lips as he looked up at you, gaging your reaction. He was terrified that you’d make fun of him, that he ruined his chances of even just being friends with you. What if you were just making fun of him? What if you were just kidding, and now he ruined everything.

“I’ve got a pretty big crush on you, too,” you replied, beaming.

He could feel his heart stop in his chest as a bright smile spread on his face. His stomach was filled with nervous and excited butterflies as his eyes flicked up to yours quickly. “R-Really?” He opened his mouth and closed it, hesitating on his words. “Like… you’re being serious right now?”

You giggled and nodded. “Of course,” you told him. “Dead serious.”

Andrew bit his lip as he looked down, his eyes slightly darting from side to side. He felt so happy, so pleasantly surprised, that he didn’t know what to say. But as he looked back up into your eyes, and your gaze flicked down to his mouth and back up again, all he could think about was how badly he wanted to kiss you. You were so close to him, with your pretty pink lips and soft skin. There was a hesitation in the air, a thick layer of silence and anticipation as you both met each other’s eyes.

“Can I kiss you?” You blurted out, a slight tint of pink settling on your cheeks.

“Fuck, please…” Andrew breathed before you immediately leaned forward and pressed your lips against his.

Andrew had never kissed anyone before- he had thought about the moment he would for so long, always worried that he wouldn’t know what to do. And at that first second, he was frozen, his heart thudding in his ears with a vulnerability he’d never felt before. But once the feeling had sunken in, his mouth moved instinctually against yours.

Your hand had moved up and settled on his cheek, the warmth of your skin against his sending electricity across each of his nerves. His stomach was doing somersaults as he kissed you, trying to teeter on the line between letting himself move naturally and trying his hardest to not fuck up, to not do anything weird, to not accidentally bump his teeth against yours.

When you pulled away and smiled at him, he could feel himself melting into the mattress, a dopey grin on his face. He was sure his cheeks must have been red, and he could still feel the heat on his face that made it hard for him to look at you- but god, he loved looking at you. And you loved looking at him.

“Can we… Can we do that again?” He mumbled, avoiding your gaze before hesitantly looking up into your eyes again.

“Fuck, you’re so cute…” You teased, before pressing your lips against his once again and settling into the feeling.

That feeling that would never get any less euphoric over the following years.