#she's so funny for apologizing while STILL being confusing ajsdklf

[manslaught]

mikayla can't help but feel like she's talking about her, which checks out, because she knows she's been confusing, but only because she's just as confused, torn between what she wants and what she's spent the last few years of her life convincing herself she was allowed to have. there are moments when she can convince herself that none of that matters here, the moments she actually allows herself to get closer to tai — but the other half of the time, she's worried about all that might happen if they do get rescued, and there's no use in starting something out here that they can't have back home. mikayla doesn't know how to explain any of that to her, either. “ sorry, ” she mumbles, because she's not sure what else to say, choosing to act like she believes tai's only talking about whatever happened last night. “ i should have been there. ”

she grimaces slightly, looking down in attempt to hide it, because she knows tai's right. normally, she doesn't feel the need to apologize for the type of person she is, believing that she had no choice but to turn out this way, but she's able to see some of her own faults now, only when it comes to hurting tai. “ exactly. my impulse control is already shit, so — i would've been a mess last night. ” more so than usual. “ you shouldn't have had to deal with that. ” it's her own vague way of admitting that she knows tai deserves better than the way she's been treating her, even if mikayla also knows it might not change, because she doesn't know how.

“ let me guess, she was planning on drugging coach? ” she rolls her eyes, hoping that complaining about misty might distract her from the overwhelming urge to reach for tai's hand. it doesn't, of course, because it's hard to even think about misty (or anyone else, really) when tai's this close to her. that's the entire problem with mikayla — she doesn't know how to take baby steps, always wanting more, yet unwilling to let herself have it at the same time. so instead, she just slides her hand away from her dress, further down her leg until it's next to tai's. “ i'm not used to people actually noticing. ” despite how much attention her presence has always demanded, mikayla's never actually feel seen by anyone else, which was fine for the longest time. “ i can try to work on it, though. not disappearing. or, at least— telling you before i do. ”

it's difficult to believe that, only a few months ago, mikayla would intentionally make taissa angry, just about every time they interacted, but now, she dreads the idea of it. “ well, if i apologize now, it's going to sound like i don't mean it. — but i am sorry. ” again, she doesn't know how to begin explaining herself, doesn't know if it would even matter, so she doesn't, biting her lip instead. “ i don't want you to be mad at me all the time anymore. ” mikayla doesn't lift her head from her shoulder, because she doesn't think she'll let herself get back there if she does, so she tilts it just enough to look up at her, which feels like a mistake once she realizes how close she is to her face — but she's not trying to kiss her this time, not when they're so out in the open. “ so can we be okay? ”

it’s not a question the others really know how to ask each other — she still barely knew how to ask mikayla, either, and she definitely doesn’t know how to answer it for herself.  so often,  tai feels like she has to be okay,  that she has to carry herself like none of this is affecting her too much — but it gets harder and harder every day.  ❝  i don’t know, ❞    she says honestly, taking a deep breath.  she’s mad about whatever happened with the stew — and she’s upset about whatever didn’t happen with her and mikayla,  and now everything is a blur.   ❝  everything’s just really confusing.  ❞    it’s purposefully vague,  because it can easily be about the state she was in last night,  but it’s more than that,  too.  mikayla is confusing,  her feelings for her are too,  and she doesn’t know where that leaves her.  

she lets out a small scoff and glares back at her.  ❝  you do that without being drunk, ❞   she points out.  she did it last night without that,  too.   ❝  — maybe it was better, i guess,  ❞    she finally agrees,  because if something did happen between them,  and she did remember,  she’d probably only be hurting more today,  because she’d likely only get a repeat of what happened between them when tai returned from the failed excursion — mikayla insisting it didn’t mean anything.  

she’s surprised when mikayla leans on her shoulder,  her body freezing in place,  but she has no desire to move.  it's comfortable,  and even more than that,  it feels natural,  only making tai long to have this more.  her hand rests between them,  wishing she could just grab hers,  but she knows she can’t do that.  she has to follow mikayla’s lead — even when it inevitably crashes her into a wall.   instead,  her hand rests on her own thigh,  her pinky just barely resting against mikayla’s leg,  a subtle way of telling her that her head on her shoulder is welcome.  ❝  well,  it’s misty,  so  .  .  .  ❞   she mumbles, rolling her eyes.  ❝  mari didn’t know.  and my money’s on her in a fight anyway,  ❞   she says,  attempting to make a joke,  but she doesn’t really laugh — not with how fuzzy her head still feels.   she scoffs again,  almost turning her head away just to glare back at her,  but she doesn’t dare move — not when she knows that it would only break the closeness they have and not bring it back.   ❝  whatever.  i’m used to you disappearing by now.  ❞   not just because she’s leaving parties early,  but it’s more than that.  it’s the way she seems to take one step closer and then suddenly, five steps back.  ❝  maybe i just don’t want you to.  ❞

her question is a loaded one,  and tai almost wants to avoid it entirely  (  isn’t that what mikayla would do, anyway?  )  ❝  it’s not like you’ve apologized, ❞  she points out,  her head just barely leaning into hers.  she wonders if mikayla even knows why she’s really mad,  but she’s not sure she wants to spell that out,  either.  ❝  —-  i don’t know.  i’ve kind of gotten used to being mad at you over the years.  ❞  but this is more personal,  and that’s the problem.  ❝  kind of hard to stay mad now, though,  ❞   she admits.