#she's not the person i know anymore and it's making me rly sad

[fauville]

having a rly bad day today ngl

[the0ther-side0f-dawn]

just a little personal anecdote/ thought dump in the tags..

[mizz-nymph]

Attention: if you are not @hebemina then I advise you don’t respond to this cause just by that you’ll embarrass yourself by proving my points and being literal proof.

Id like to say that me and her where friends but during the time we where friends she had her weird moments and her alright moments especially when we first met, it wasn’t her acting like the adult it was me, funnily enough I started referring to her as a sister cause that’s what I do when I worry about how a person views me, it was clear I was uncomfortable and got my friend who remember the first encounter and how I reacted to this ask a while back, hell I even asked them how to respond to the ask cause I was in such a panic. When looking at it, I’m genuinely disgusted how she didn’t even apologise or better herself, everyone keeps saying she’s better but she isn’t and it’s really sad how harmful it is especially to the people she spoke with that she made uncomfortable.

(She was drunk and I was mortified and didn’t even know how to respond so I danced around it I’ll admit that but thing is she didn’t even apologize)

Now it’s hard to show this from the past cause of personal stuff but since some people already know about it I guess I just gotta grow some balls. I’m showing this from the past cause I came across it a while ago and got disgusted, I was a child and I was mortified so much so I asked my friends how to respond to it and was so ashamed and embarssed I thought I deleted this but luckily didn’t cause one can realize how horrid this is. What’s funny is a DECENT AND SENSITIVE AND CARING PERSON would apologise! You never apologized Mina! and this wasn’t the first time you got weird with me! Seriously! Atleast have the decency to say sorry! But not just this you’ve many times turned our platonic and happy convos to something straight up weird, I ended up deleting many on my blog cause of unlike you I feel embarrassed!

I went through a hard year and having someone like this disturb me online was the icing on the cake but of course I was too embarssed and scared to say anything about it cause I feared I’d be yelled at, by your followers, yeah allot of you made me not even want to stand up for myself and say “what you are doing is rubbing me the wrong way” despite her knowing my age, and despite me reminding her constantly at that time I kept saying “haha I’m in high school”. So to the people reading this, dont make her seem like she Dosent know the age of her followers cause she lurks, she lurks around even accounts she has now ignored just cause said acount has a different opinion then her.

Thought I didn’t notice? I easily noticed how you and @hanaiikiki or whatever TF her name is now stopped talking to me as a whole and started ignoring my existence, even when I was geniunely trying to be nice etc, you stopped when I voiced my opinion about Loki, Hana going as far as telling people she Dosent know me (girl I got ears everywhere, when I heard this I was shocked cause I thought we where good!) despite me clearly stating as a continuation I don’t care what anyone likes and Dosent like it’s the VICTIM BLAMING, that’s wrong and also rly weird. So I don’t understand why both of you would let a fictional character come between a nice mutual friendship, especially you Hana I geniunely liked talking to you I liked talking mythology and liked sending you asks, you where really nice and kind with me and didn’t weird me out like Mina but it’s clear you have no self identity what so ever. But of course, no worries! I have no need for you! I know who my people are and aren’t and you aren’t one of em that’s for sure. As for Mina, yeesh girl yeesh that’s all I got when it comes to this, cause again no self respect self shame or friendship is magic in this case, but then again you’re no use of me either so I’ll say I’m glad you don’t speak to me anymore cause you creeped me out many times :)

just cause someone hides behind a cute kind persona dose not always mean that’s what they are on the inside dishonesty is sm. I’m honestly so dissapointed so many here defend her and say she’s changed instead of her saying she has, let her speak for herself if she’s so much so as the adult she claims to be.Let her speak cause I’m amazed how everyone walks eggshells around her cause she’s “sensitive” that is a insult to sensitive people as a whole.

I’m not going to mention who cause I want them to rest easy cause they are dear to me and what they experienced today breaks my heart they’re so sweet and didn’t deserve any of this, but when Mina apologized to them, Mina used the excuse of “I didn’t know you where a minor” despite her MENTONING THEIR AGE! Everyone knows people that know what they’re doing use that excuse, they lie, they will always go with this excuse, don’t get offended and stop reading now Mina I ain’t calling you a pedo, I’m calling you a dumbass, a real big dumbass as a whole for that shit apology and excuse. A victim of harassment Dosent deserve this, and a “sorry” dose not make up for the trauma the victim suffered let alone this type of “sorry”.

(I’m covering the name cause I rly feel bad for who experienced this and believe the poor thing has experienced enough today of all days like good god I don’t even want anyone to comfort me I’m fine! Just show some support and love to this victim cause good god)

there’s a line with senstivity and irresponsibility, and if it weren’t for me sending a respectful i REPEAT a respectful I’m a respectful person that’s how my mama raised me, anon ask saying you shouldn’t interact with minors much cause they’re easy to influenced and they see what you post easily etc etc, the useless “minors do not interact” wouldn’t be there. Oh and it’s hilarious how you have it there and still interact with said minors? Sweetie? It’s not there for show! Lotus? Heldril? Goddamm new comers? Children copy and children get affected! And you’ve clearly traumatized and affected a bunch! If you’re a so called elderly care giver you should know how to care for others that aren’t just you, make it make sense!

Oh and let’s not leave this out the cake. It’s funny how you talk about masturbating in public and how you vent in public, letting literally people who are younger than you be your therapist, or witness you sexting IN PUBLIC keep it in the dms woman! have so shame! This isn’t red lobster you embarrassing yourself! I ain’t slut shaming you cause I’m the queen of sluts, I’ve been called a slut for years and I didn’t even know about it so don’t think I’m slut shaming you. But really How wonderful really! A nurse! Who gose through the struggle of whipping elderly asses for a living! Doesn’t go to a therapist and relays on people decades younger than her! Get a damm therapist! Be ashamed! Seriously take some responsibility!

Not to mention I still remember how people expressed geniune concern for you and you milked it and said “see you on the other side” who says that! I was one of those people! I actually worried? But I woke up and realized what the fuck is this? Are you serious??? Some of these people who are worried for you are younger by years?? Some even minors?! Get a grip??! Where’s the responsibility?? It’d be better to write about your horny thoughts on a blog strictly for NSFW! I deadass told you to in the anon ask cause you need to be responsible! And dont you dare post a “im sorry 🥺” post! I know your type and I know them well! Just by that post where you explained yourself about the whole issue of you saying you want to make out with a minor, says allot. You didn’t address the issue! You just said it’s okay to hate you! You didn’t even defend yourself! Well for one Mina, I don’t hate you, I just hate the way you act,behave and your personality as a whole because that “sorry” will never cut the anxiety and horrible memory as a whole, be ashamed a bit, it’s not funny to make everything sexual and as a adult you should understand that.

What you did to those mods and roleplayers? I’m still speechless and have Vietnam flashbacks when it comes to the public sexting good god, atleast as if it’s okay to do NSFW and sent a literal pic of you bust? I know dirty I’m the QUEEN of dirty that hand on your top pulling the shirt a little lower shocked me so much my eyebrows left to Saturn and had a baby with the planet! I’ve got eyebrow planet grandkids now that’s how shocked I was. Not to mention the mod was 19 you are literally a decade older girl- tf is this lore Olympus? I know you like lore Olympus but girl lore Olympus is lowkey shit no offence. Honestly no wonder the mod stopped roleplaying and deleted the acounts cause good god girl- atleast have the decency to ask?

It’s really funny! Just a big joke really!

I for one was a friend with yo!u until I realized your true colors, I’m disappointed and consider this pathetic. I used to think you were nice and kind but I was met with dissapointment you genuinely disappointed me, hurt me and not only me but many others, don’t beat yourself about it just accept the fact that you did and just remove yourself from said minors and ACTUALLY BE RESPONSIBLE, before you hurt even more people.

As for the ones reading this,

You all know me and I’m pretty sure this is shocking seeing me a person here on tumblr call out the so called sweet Mina but honestly, people! nobodies perfect! Are you kidding me?? Get it through your skulls! She isn’t perfect and I’m not saying to hate her I’m saying to stop treating her like a child! when actual children here are being harmed! I’ve seen minors on here who deadass have been affected by her! And nobody I say nobody! don’t you dare say she didn’t know what she was doing that’s a insult to the victims and disgusting in general.

Also it’s not the ror fandom that’s changing, this has nothing to do with ror, to anyone reading this know this, it’s the Mina fandom that’s changing, not the ror fandom I’ve been in the ror community long before her and if sm was changing I’d know.

I’m deadass saying this despite me being a decade younger then Mina, I’m not saying this as a friend, not as a friend cause I don’t see you as that anymore and will never will ever again, im saying this as a person who’s going to be honest with you,

Keep it real

Enough of this self cantered,narcissistic ,immature, shameful,irresponsible and selfish behavior, you should be able to expect opinions like this, stop hiding behind your followers and say what you have in mind Mina and DONT dance around the issue, I read your “apology” post when the Heldirl issue raised to light, you didn’t even talk about the issue in hand, you just said it’s okay to hate you! Three paragraphs!! don’t dance around this, and you know what, Don’t even respond if you plan on doing that, cause that just proves the point.

Just know I don’t respect you not just cause of you being weird in the past with me but also with others specifically others I care about, so don’t come crying to me cause I geniunely don’t care I know these types of etiquettes, a sorry will never cut shit like I said so call me a cruel bitch idc ig it’s fair 🤷🏻‍♀️ just know I DONT respect you one bit,good day.

Tagging

@amphitriteswife @tinyy-tea-cup @mono-supports-palestine @praisethesuuun @riseofamoonycake @brokensenseofhumor @monstertreden @heldril @lotusmybeloved @nicasdreamer @ idk

idk who tf else to tag aaaa 💀 but yeah that’s my take on all of this respect me hate me I don’t care I rather be hated for who tf I am then who I pretend to be and who I am is a person to keeps it real 🤨

[mangocurist]

hello oz mangocurist i have no idea what's happening on the realm can i ask what is the canon situation with zam's gender and relationships rn 🙏🙏

hi hello nitpick7!!!! yes of course you can ill do my best to sum stuff up ^_^

Okay. so. starting w gender stuff. zams gender is princezam tho afaik i believe cczam has referred to trzam with she/her multiple times and also said 'if pangi was straight hed be with me' so. take that as you will. now for relationships this will go under the cut LMAO cause its like gonna get long. most of these will b people from the sleepover but ill try and sum up as much as i can rmb!!!!

-> pilizam . oh my pilizam <3 okay so basically theyre 'teammates' in the lifesteal sense (theyre marriedI MEAN WHOSAID THAT) and they just had a boundaries discussion and they are STILL GOING STRONV I OVERREACTED THEYRE STILL TOGETHER HEALTHIEST COUPLE ON THIS SERVER EVERYBODY 🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥💪💪💪💪 . zam respects pili/aces need to start chaos but she wants to try and choose a peaceful life which is vv similar to the devotions dynamic we had on s6 ^_^ also theyre coparenting peanut. neither of them will admit it but theyre coparenting him.

-> roszam is going pretty well rn!! ros very clearly adores zam and defends her esp when people are being rude and mean to her and zam does the same thing w ros (well, she moreso lifts ros up instead of threatening those against her which is rly fun because its like the demi goddess here isnt the one at someone elses throat LMAO) . they both have vv similar characters nd personalities nd theyre kinda enabling each other tho so who knows if thatll end w them clashing bc historically.... well we know what happened w aimros i think 😭😭😭. they r vv good at gettiing each other out of their bad headspaces tho which inthink is super sweet ^_^

-> empire duo is. rocky situation i think bc pangi trusts her a Lot a lot but zam is sad about it because hes lost the memories of how she is on tr, and shes also unsure of whether or not she can take on the duty of being the person that pangi trusts the most on tr because before pangi used to trust the other realm members much more than her, but now shes his one rock . also vv awkward because while she sees ls as her home still she dislikes her past while their past is the only thing pangi has to hold on to now

-> lukey. uh. she sees him as a hamster (i think in and out of character) she wants to take care of LMFAOOOOO idk what else to add here hahaha. she hated him before bec of his relationship w pangi but she likes him a lot better now! and shes told him shed like to keep him safe so. (also she was upset when she saw his death msg even tho it wss a prank LMAO) sooooooo maybe if we play our cards right we get zamkey... (<- no one else wants this but me)

-> aimsey! she doesnt interact much w him in lore so i cant say what exactly their relationship is but theyre def friends ooc at least and that totally bleeds into whatever rp they do ^_^

-> watermunch. Uhh. erm. well she likes water, she doesnt get why trwater hates her (i think its the trwater sees her as a Big bad Evil Knight out to get her or something . sorry if i sound salty i dislike trwater a Lot. You can be a hater just not toward my princess :/) and shes trying her best to get thru to water ^_^ unstoppable force vs immovable object ong

-> zam nd bad .... idk if she even sees him as her evil stepmother anymore if im being Tbh. shes gotten a lot more sympathetic to him after seeing his alcohol problem and shes overall much softer w him ^_^ it could also be a nirvana thing since she did say she feels like nirvana changed her

-> foolish has been absent for a week but she v clearly still looks up to him, as well as sneeg who she compares herself to a lot which makes sense bc theyre both her mentor/father figures ^_^ she has a very cute little princess daughter w gay dads relationship w phil and sneeg and theyre so fun together i miss them sm

-> clown, ash and derap (all the other lstealers besides pangi basically)- she cares for them a lot and brings them up often, and shes currently grindjng gear sets for ash! whenever one of them logs in 9/10 times they all talk to her when they see her online / will even log on for her (see: clown a few days ago) but its mostly all ooc, in lore ash is a little sus of her faction and thus her by association, clown knighted her and is otherwise absentee and derap is grinding by himself LMFAO. and kyleeff is. kyleeff. no in character interactions but ooc theyre v friendly ^_^

overall zams very kind to literally everyone because shes kinda going for the path of peace and pacifism but i cant say how anyone else feels about her because for some reason people on this fucking server just HATE joyand whimsy

[nekoart753]

Self Reflection: the problem with alt culture

Note that I am NOT saying that alt culture is necessarily bad, I still listen to pop punk a lot and lately got into metalcore, just about how too much of anything can be bad and how music can affect general mood

So it had been more than 5 years since I first discovered the emo/alt culture through accidentally finding MCR from some Hetalia meme. It was the first time I found the kind of music that just resonates with me as someone who is socially anxious, dealth with bullying from school back in middleschool, and up until now to an extend still experience it from my own family.

Especially my sexist grandma who sees me as a walking sin for being tomboyish and not wanting to marry/have kids, and while my mom has good intentions in wanting me to be strong, independent, and happy in the long run, like any Asian moms she has this "tiger parenting/tough live" kind of mindset where she allows me to speak up my mind but its always with some fight, kind of like making every little things into a lecture/competition. Even just walking to mall with her its exhausting when she can suddenly call me out in public that I walk weird just because I am a bit behind her, or saying I am trying to pick up fights because I look angry when rly I'm just sleepy or tired.

So the first few years I listened pop punk/emo I only focused on how the songs resonated with my feelings, and Gerard Way was my inspiration because he is aware of mental health,has burning passion in the things he do whether the band, solo music projects, and the fact that dude literally created comics too and Umbrella Academy was successful enough to be put on Netflix. I know in real life that he is more of an introverted person, but he also has this attitude of using the raging energy from peraonal struggles as fuel to go forward.

Now the problem was that I took it as "Just keep doing what you are doing and you are guranteed to be successful" or not just from MCR, but pop punk/emo music in general, I know it is well intended that they are raw and explosive in expressing the feeling of hurt, anger, sadness, that can be a healthy outlet.

However I only stuck in immersing myself to pop punk/emo for years as my escape, and its only now more than 5 years later I noticed that back then I was more prone to emotional outbursts especially over little arguments/disagreements with my family, I threw tantrums like a 13 year old even after I have turned 20-ish and I am lowkey embarassed that eventhough I don't do so anymore I still have a hard time keeping myself composed whenever my mom gets all lecturing/judgemental or just making mistakes/facing problems in general.

I am NOT blaming the artists/bands and I don's think they are glorifying negativity, bit its like from the energy and constant expression of angst, feeling misunderstood, etc made me adopt the "It's me against the world, nobody gets me, I have to fight against everyone by myself" kind of mindset and it was very unhealthy, and I can see now how back then it made me very, VERY miserable and deluded by the mindset I have to be angry and keep fighting against people that disagree with me especially my own family that I deemed judgemental and dictating about my life.

Then when I get tired of constantly fighting back with no improvement from how my life turns out especoally based on how my family still just thinks I am being dramatic and seeking attention instead of being compassionate, plus when I do finally stop fighting and still my family pushes expectations and all to me, I felt hopeless. Cuz whether I fight back or keep quiet my life still feels like constant battle with my own family and worrying about surviving on my own in the future if I want to get away from them.

So it went from "I am angry and fed up of everyone and everything, but I'll fight back and be agressive about it sonce people attacked me first" eventually it felt more like "I am sad and fed up of everyone and everything, I am tired of fighting and people still walk all over me, I don't see any hope in the future".

But good news is literally when I discovered Black Veil Brides. Now from musical aspects alone from the bands I listen to nowadays I'd rate them:

•A7X: 9

•MCR: 8

•BVB: 7

Point it I don't exactly put BVB on my pedestal musically-wise. I did knew a few of the songs since years ago yet "In The End" was the only thing I have really known, but never dive deeper or get attached to any other songs back then. Imo while they are still considered as "loud music" the thing is that I don't feel they have the energy/emotion I am looking foor. Especially on the older stuffs minus the Wretched and Divine album, I just feel that Andy's vocal just feels flat, the vibe's more like someone yelling at a megaphone in front of the White House or something rather than actually singing.

But I don't think he completely sucked either, like I do from the first time think he's got a unique voice like while deep its not that kind of bassy that sounds like mumbling, but clear and got power. So for me it was more like "wasted potential" like not fully utilizing it instead of feeling suck. But sth made me stay and I decided to stick around BVB more since the past 2 weeks after ignoring then for like 4-5 years and I did noticed something.

BVB still expresses stuffs about anger, sadness, standing up for yourself, but they're not as agressive aboutit like most pop punk/metalcore band does. Which probably why I felt like they are lacking the explosive vibes I am used to. But after digging deeper into the lyrics, watching interviews of the members (but mostly Andy, admittedly I kinda simped for him but dude accidentally became a mentor for me to an extent lol) I can feel the overall vibe that they have this balance between ataying true to who you are and don't just be a people pleaser/break down yourself to fit the mold set by others, but at the same time it doesn't mena you have to be angry/agressive/ruminate on how you are misunderstood or the world is out to get you.

And that's exactly what I needed. I was deep into pop punk thinking constant pushing forward and fighting against everyone is the key, but when I get tired of fighting and things don't improve it made me loose hope. BVB on the other hand was more balanced, sure I am aware of their reccuring theme about "outcasts" and individualiam in terms of sticking to your truth no matter what other tell you... But it hit me on this one video where Andy himself mentioned something along the lines of the trend in rock/alt scene where the theme of being outcasts/misunderstood by the world had been a trend but truth is being "outcasts" doesn't mean complete isolation/sheer hatred against the world but it is about being true to yourself AND be surrounded by the people you love/care for.

Seriously, it really hot me hard. While ik the earlier days Andy and the gang (and yes ik he is the only OG member of the band rn) was much more emotional towards the hates back when they all still dressed Hot Topic, but later with how BVB has gotten more polished and seems like he and the newer members have matured in worldview just really showed me how he is empathetic and vocal in emotions, but also wise and realistic. Especially in BVB's songs in general I found that there's more balance between feeling down/angry bit with the narrative of "It is okay to hit the rock bottom at times, but don't forget to rise back up and have some optimism" rather than constant "Nobody gets me, I hate the world"

Point is I still think to an extent it is IMPORTANT to validate the negative emotions, but its also importnat to set boundaries of "ok I cannot spiral further down than this, I need to control my thoughts and redirect it more positively despite what happened" and truly it felt like an enlightment.

BVB might not be the best band in the world, and not really even based on my personal taste, but their worldview especially things I learned from Andy Biersack himself had really helped me to see things differently and suddenly it doesn't feel like a complete doom and gloom anymore.

[lostreverb]

JUST wanted you to know that i love ur bias and bias wrecker plsplspls never stop it brings me so much joy

neways what are the ops on short n sweet

AWEEE ANON THANK YOUU !!! (you reminded me i need to update it!!)

as for my opinions on short n' sweet i personally love the album! it 100% lives up to the name with the short songs and fun lyrics. even the "sad" songs have an unseriousness to them which i love and is so sabrina. this whole album is incredibly her and i ADORE it.

(yapping under the cut SORRY LMAO)

i feel like some of the songs like coincidence and dumb and poetic i typically wouldn't like but i do for some reason and TASTE?? ohhhhh she's insane for having that as an opener it's like such an outstanding song to set the tone with and it genuinely makes me feel like so cunty and hawt when i listen to it (the whole album too basically which I haven't felt since hot pink by doja cat) ALSO ALSO ALSO busy woman is so fing good like i really wish it made it onto the album or at least she performs it live maybe bc i feel it would sound rly amazing. i understand how sabrina's music and voice might not be other ppl's kinda thing tho. i've noticed that recently a lot of female artists have been using their higher, breathier registers in their music lately which can sound a bit whiny to some ppl (me included) so i kinda wish she used like a lower tone for some songs but it's just a personal preference and it doesn't bother me THAT much. i think the lyrics are rlly fun, clever and comedic without being too cringy but i would say there are some parts of songs i wish she added different lyrics at a point instead of just repeating the same line over and over (like the post chorus for good graces and the bridge for lie to girls) these are really just nit picky things. the album concept is so cute like the merch and the photoshoot and the album cover is very sabrina and i love this sound n image she's crafting for herself. the whole campiness of her music videos are a breath of fresh air (thank you dave meyers!) and just in general i feel she's bringing back the fun idea of what it means to be a 'popstar'. i think sabrina said that this feels like her sophomore album which reminds me of when ariana said that sweetener and thank u, next are her first albums that felt like they were really HER. idk i love it and i love sabrina, so happy to see her succeed and i have a ticket to see her but idk if I'll be able to go anymore so I'm a bit depressed about it lol

WAIT one other thing i will say as a highlight is the production for this album is insane, like i love love love instrumentals that have a lot of shit going on and im a sucker for a retro sound tune with a prominent bass line or synths and she def delivers with that !!

ESPRESSO AND TASTE ARE THAT GIRLS IDC HOW POPULAR THEY ARE THEY'RE POPULAR FOR A REASON.

[yuukei-yikes]

That post str Harutaka angst hurts my heart a little but I do want it

HEH. CONFLICT IS SO FUN OKAY. haruka and takane get along too well i need a little something to have fun with.... also thank u for sending this im totally using it as an excuse to talk about it. i went crazy in this ask sorry

ok. i KNOW forward by winterhats exists...... and thank god it does 🙏in case u havent read it erm read it. thats like harutaka content 101... not to spoil stuff but something about haruka not telling takane abt his condition Does take place in that fic. but the thing with that fic is haruka has no memories.... (post str no memory haruka is a concept i was never a fan of bc it doesnt rly make sense to me?? Still love forward though🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏) SO IM THINKING OF a canon situation with haruka remembering fine yknow...

logically i think takane would be sad rather than angry once finding out. also she'd hear it from shintaro who is the only one who knew, aside from kenjirou but he's x_x post str💔 so shintaro it is. also it's such a shintaro thing to do isnt it?? accidentally mention it to takane or assume she knew and realise he messed up like, way too late. like he already said it like 5 times before he realised takane is asking him to repeat it so many times precisely because SHE DIDN'T KNOW

like i said i think its kinda a fragile thing because God its so sad. how could u even get mad at someone for choosing not to say they're dying. so yeah logically takane Would be mostly sad about both the sad reality haruka was living AND how she wasn't told, because to her it means haruka didnt trust her or maybe felt he couldnt count on her.

im abt to overanalyse: personally from a writing point of view i think the reason haruka doesnt tell takane is because headphone actor was already written and the narrative where takane doesnt know was already there. haruka's 1 year to live thing was written a lot after, with over the dimension. but besides that: from a character standpoint, of course haruka wouldn't tell takane. she is the last person he wants to worry and the one he wants the most happy memories with. and something important about haruka and takane's relationship is the fact neither knows much about each others conditions. in both their povs upon introducing each other to the audience, they both explain their illnesses briefly. they both say "i havent asked much". to me its always been about haruka and takane deeply relating to each other about people feeling sorry for them. so they dont owe each other the explanations theyre so used to giving to others! so to me, haruka doesnt tell takane because 1.he doesnt want her to worry more than she already does 2.he wants to have happy memories of her 3. related to that, doesnt want her to look at him differently. she is the one person who gets it. if he were to come clean abt it, he'd lose it. besides, haruka tells shintaro by the time he's like. LOSING HIS MIND and really deeply depressed abt the situation. kenjirou also knows... but haruka's father could've told him since its mentioned they used to be colleagues. personally i think haruka told him himself, since he also mentions kenjirou is the only adult he's ok sharing stuff with, so in a way its implied if ur delusional like me.

erm. anyways. i got a little sidetrack IM GONNA GET TO IT OKAY its just, haruka's dying words for takane man. don't cry anymore, you're gonna meet so many new people, etc. he basically tells her he is just 1 person in the long long life he assumes she will have. theyre best friends, he knew takane would mourn him terribly and thats why he thinks all that stuff he cant actually tell her.. augh haruka's goodbye to takane always gets me so so badly. bc he KNEW... like, ene lives in so much regret for not telling haruka how she felt but haruka died knowing she loved him. even if he didnt know it was romantic, he still knew she loved him :( i was going somewhere with this. (pacing around my room) oh yeah. his dying words. haruka doesn't convey all this to takane while he has the chance because of the stuff i said before but the most important was number 3. he doesnt want takane to look at him differently. plus everything he says while he is dying... god id post the whole screenshot. but he says "dont get mad at anyone but me" "please dont cry anymore" "im so sorry youve given me so much and i couldnt give back" he... doesn't Want to see takane upset. he knows she will be upset anyway but its like. at least he wont be around to see it, in a way. we could see this as kind of selfish but like The guy's dying come ON. i think he has the right to do that. lol.

WELLLL COMING BACK TO THE ORIGINAL APPROACH LMAO.. takane finding out post str....... i went on that tangent to defend haruka precisely cuz i dont think takane would be genuinely mad. its a tricky situation and its not like she can be like WELL BUT U KNEW AND U DIDNT WARN ME!?!?!?!? Like THAT IS a pretty lame position to take. HOWEVER. CONFLICT (PUTS HANDS DOWN) i think takane just needs to be mad

WHILE TAKANE WOULD BE MORE UPSET THAN MAD she IS also super impulsive. like insanely impulsive <- finds out she loves haruka and immediately runs for it even if it terrified her. so in the spur of the moment she blows up on haruka about it LOL like as SOON as she finds out. like i imagine she probably hears it from shintaro and like immediately leaves mid conversation to go find haruka and yell at him. that kind of thing.

and haruka's all like 😨😨😨 and he's stuttering cuz HE HAS AN ANSWER ABT WHY HE DIDNT TELL HER IT JUST SOUNDS RLY BAD LIKE "ERM I DIDNT WANT TO SEE U UPSET❤️" like in over the dimension haruka does get pretty nervous when takane starts pressing even if its as a joke. so especially with something so sensitive he has no idea what to do. i think he'd try to be all composed though bc its Post Str and idk str haruka is so. ethereal he is so calm isn't he. i think he would get nervous initially and then get himself together but ends up coming off as dismissive. so hes like i didnt tell you.....because i didnt want to❤️ and takane probably just needed to be mad for a little bit and was gonna get over it and be sad but hearing that just makes her so damn upset for realsies and haruka notices how she changed from😡 to 😐 and hes immediately like oh takane.... no... i didnt mean it like that...i just mean...OH DONT MAKE THAT FACE I DIDNT MEAN IT... and takane's like NOO DONT TOUCH ME WHATEVER IM LEAVINGGG unnecessary conflict in a romcom vibes

conflict probably lasts like. a day or something. a week tops. its harder for haruka than for takane. takane finds it a little refreshing i think its also cool to link it to all the other headcanons abt haruka being super desperate to be in company because erm Daze confinement gang🙏💥 while takane's a little like. i havent had a minute to myself in 11 days. so this distance actually helps her a little while haruka is like Hour 5 without my girlfriend I've cried so much i cant see anymore

they both feel like shit and do spend the time trying to see the situation from each other's perspectives though so takane realises she's being self centered and stupid and admits she just wanted to be angry and took it out on the first thing she could grasp at. but it was unfair. takane will apologize first and probably tells him she doesn't need or want him to "protect" her feelings and wants him to count on her from now onward. haruka's like *nod nod nod nod nod nod* and thanks her for apologizing. hed try to also apologize but takane doesnt accept it bc he wasnt wrong it was her who was unfair. hehe. i think he'd be crying so hard too bc to him its all these feelings coming back abt how he felt when he died and all the things he thought of telling her then. maybe he would tell her abt it, like i was thinking about all the people you'd meet and how u should be happy and not cry for me. and how in disbelief he still is that theyre together. sorry im. auauggagaggsgsggqgggg

all this just for me 2 enjoy the mental image of the little time in between where theyre awkward around each other and takane wants a little distance for a bit. i think itd be funny to see haruka being totally pathetic abt takane not paying attention to him. anyways. yeah. something like that i guess

[valkiliar]

on the one hand I think vague posting abt friends in the year of our lord 2024 sucks but on the other she vague posted abt me recently and she did it where I could see it so I'm still being better anyway this is not abt anyone here obv

I just gotta vent bc I'm so fucking tired but I'm just very sad abt how this friendship turned out bc this person was my best friend and I rly rly cared but like. idk I've tried so hard for this friend group and it rly just seems like no one else fucking cared. and this is like the tenth time she's gotten in a fight with another friend and no one wants to talk to each other and I've tried to force them to make up every time but I just don't care anymore. like I'm just tired. and like idk I spent like years like trying to get something out of this friendship but like. I'm not realizing I was kinda just being fucking dumb bc she didn't care. like she will talk all the time abt how life is so hard and she's so mentally ill but then when I talk abt shit she doesn't wanna hear it like. it just feels like whenever I talk to her she just thinks "retard retard retard" like I'm too stupid to have real problems and ykno. I'm just really tired. and now I don't know how to talk to her and kind of don't want to but now she seems super needy and like. I feel bad and wanna help but she just hasn't been there for me! and I'm like. I just feel bad. like it all rly does just suck. like I want to be there for her but even when she complains and I try and help she just ignores me like she rly just wants to dump her problems on me but has no interest in what I have to say and idk. I don't even rly know what she wants. idk. I'm just sad how this friendship turned out bc I rly cared abt it but it just feels like. it's dying and I don't care enough to try and fix it and that sucks and I'm sad and I feel like I suck for that and I feel like I should be a better friend but at the same time. I don't think she rly treated me well. and idk I'm tired. it all just feels bad

[ennyxythegalaxyfreak]

DLC TALK HERE!! No spoilers till under the cut tho.

SO!!!

While I said that the new chapter of the fic is FINALLY coming this week(or veery early next week) after having to write it, scrapping parts and doing a bit of a rework and a rewrite as well...

What I really wanna say is. I had the fortune of being able to play the DLC myself right on release instead of watching a letsplay as my first impression, which would be a first when it comes to FNAF! YAY!!

I just finished playing through it finally(still missing the tird ending tho), and my mind is a scramble trying to make sense and assemble puzzle pieces on a sleepy brain. Without going into detail, I feel like it neither confirmed NOR denied any of my personal fears on it and it just leaves me in a picky spot of observations, assessments, ideas, hypothetical possibilities of explanations that could go either here or there...

In other words, I enjoyed it, I had a lot of fun despite all my reservations, but story-wise(and as a person not the fondest of book lore or a couple fan theories) I'm in not even sure how to sort my feelings appropriately xD

In any case thankfully it didn't make me change my opinion on lil Gregs to be quite frank, tho he does have me thinking him over more now.

Now a lil more detail under the cut, with SPOILERS this time!!! Still not too much tho.

First, Eclipse had me FREAKING jfnjngrde I did NOT expect to see him there, that caught me SO off-guard.

Second, the V.A.N.N.I. thing still has me curious, but damn i loved that visually tho. Happy to see a Helpy in some shape way or form. With an "i" instead of "y" lol

Then there's Roxy. Though she's not my fave, I still love her to bits, so I was SO VERY HAPPY to see the way she was treated in the DLC. The bond with Cassie was just so qwq

Then oh god, the headless Freddy thing... At first I was abt to get sad abt it. Then I was like, what he doin in Fazer Blast if this is the Burntrap ending. And then I read the word "prototype" on his foot and was like, ooooh. Okay xD

I do wonder how our good old Fred is doing tho, hope he's fine, since we didn't actually see a hint of him in the game. And on the same note as that is Vanessa of course.

Okay next is the whole thing with the comic panels. Not rly a fan of basically saying all the other endings except one are less of an alternative timeline type of thing and more of, well, fiction, kinda as a much smaller extension of my pet peeve of "it was all a dream/fiction/whatever" but oh well. Don't think it's gonna stop anyone tho, least of all me.

Curious about the one that had two Gregory's in it(I know it's one of the ending panels but like, interesting choice of a panel there xD) but I suppose it could be a bit of a thing hinting to the fact that there ARE kinda two, "Gregory" guiding us being a sham

The whole thing with Gregory supposedly being stuck or trapped reeked of suspicious way before any of the Mimic stuff became known to me, since way back when I first saw the poster. Him guiding Cassie to Roxy Raceway in the game I was guarded on it the whole game, even just the littlest things like a weird and unnatural-sounding tone on a word or two and the everything... Doesn't take a genius is what am sayin. So my bestie who had to tolerate watching me play and ramble on about what i think may be happening being my witness, the reveal was an "i knew it" moment

Then post reveal when he says he's not even in the Plex anymore, there's a small part of me that is like "but what if it's also a fluke" still but under the assumption he IS the real one... He said "we" and "us" and there was someone with him, wonder if it's Fred or nah... Honestly never sure abt anything with this franchise and I'm not a big lore person or a theorist either.

And the whole betrayal thing... Not saying what he did is right, but considering the threat of the Mimic I can't really entirely blame him either. If it's genuinely him and him in his right mind (we don't talk abt ggy here thanks), and even if it's not the case, I can already smell people hating on a child cuz of a decision like they like to do

Is prolly not all and not best formed by am not home, my laptop is on 9%, my phone is not logged into tumblr and I didn't take my passwords here, soooo.... Thank you for coming to my ramblings if anyone actually read this lmao! Just needed to get these raw thoughts outta my system before going to bed.

[celestie0]

(sending you an ask as a reply to your response to my reblog, because my network is being a bitch and idk if it went through the first time, it showed it failed to go through to me, and also because it’s easier this way, to type it out in the comment section or reblog)

ANYWAYS(

think i’ve said it before but i’ll say it again; gojo loves reader so passionately, so devotedly and even unconditionally. he fell so much harder, it’s heartbreaking that she doesn’t know, but it’s even more heartbreaking that he’s suffering alone, i’m genuinely waiting for the day she gets to hold him through the night and reassure him that’s it’s fine, that they will be fine. idk perfect, but i think they will be the nearest thing to perfection. perfectly splendid.

there’s nothing sexier than a man who loves passionately and consensually. idk about the rest, but personally him looking at her with so much desire and still letting go of her hands when she interlocks it because she might regret when the sun comes up is undeniably one of the most passionate moments ever. i cannot really explain how it is tbh, but there’s something so strong over there. it’s angsty, it’s heartbreaking, and there’s so much selfless love. he’s so good AND he does it so well. iykyk. also that was indeed a “slut” reference because isn’t gojo a gentleman? a man who loves you more than himself? id dedicate all my favourite ts songs to him! any day.

my favourite part about you showing her vulnerability is how it all came together since the beginning, like there were always hints and words of it and they fall together so elegantly. the pacing, the eloquence, everything has been so well put together.

her problems are so relatable…like i get that feeling when you question your calibre, your career choice and everything you’ve ever done. the inner conflict about your cv and if it’s even acceptable, unique, extraordinary? the world is so fast paced and theres only so much we can do,. it’s been refreshing to read about a character who does express their vulnerability regarding their career. i personally think we lack that substance nowadays. even in published paperbacks.

im screaming that i could make an impact on you with my words, because your words definitely made a huge impact on me. they’ve not only refreshed me, but also inspired me, i obviously cannot write a story this well, but i can write poems, i’ve done that most of my lives. i struggle with keeping up with the pacing in stories tbh. and dialogues. (and insecurities)

i’m keeping your fic in my favourite reads ever!

🫶💌

hi dear aaa im not sure if the reblog went through for me so im glad you sent the ask!!

ouu your analysis of gojo’s emotional wellbeing has me tearing up 😭 i think it’s sad too how he struggles to open up quite yet and im sure it feels like two steps forward one step back w reader so far, but im hoping that w more scenes reader can show him she’s trustworthy and can be someone there for him ☺️💕 its going to be a joy to build more of their connection. i’m suuuuper excited for gojo’s last pov chapter which i wont spoil which chap it’ll be but im alr so curious how you will receive it dear reader given how deeply youve given his character thought 🫶🏼💕

haha i LOOOVE the wildest dream ref n just all the ts refs in generaaaal i listen to folklore/evermore when i write each chap <3 and thank you it’s so flattering that you could pick up that energy btwn them in the writing i was rly hoping i could capture it 🥺

and yesss i really resonate with that! i think ive read a lot of works that do have aspects of career and romance but for kickoff im really trying to marry the two :) both w gojo grappling w his focus on soccer due to his father’s legacy rather than his focus on the more “important” things in life such as love n happiness (which his father only rly learned after he couldn’t play the sport anymore), but also in reader who holds on very tightly to her dreams & has only had them in mind since the beginning (her “terms & condition” from gojo) but she’s struggling in dealing w her fears of failure. i think that the two of them have valuable insight that they could offer each other and help them trust one another more bc of these two situations theyre in :) and could build to a more healthy and genuine romance

and yesss to all of the career doubts and wondering if you’re good enough 😭 thats something so universal and also something i genuinely wonder if it will ever go away

THANK YOU AGAIN SM FOR YOUR WORDS I HAVE SM FUN TALKING AB KICKOFF W YOU omg its got me out here emotionallll. that’s so lovely you write poems my dear i could TELL honestly haha you have such a breathtaking way w words n deliberation

also i’ll respond to your reblog of the writing tips post here but you are so very welcome im really rooting for you and awaiting your tag <33

so much love 💕

[caatws]

Your comment about Gamora's death in comparison to Natasha has been on my mind lately too. I wasn't in love with how they initially handled it with Natasha, but I think eventually she got more closure than Gamora received in vol 3.

I don't know what direction they were going for but how do you have a prominent character in a team film die and only two other characters speak about it, worry over it and have any grief displayed. That's ludicrous to me. Even if you set the film a couple years later you can still have one or two emotional team conversations about it. You could have at least one more person struggling in a different way. The guardians being depicted as a family only makes the problem more obvious. Either everyone but Peter and Nebula are the worst family members ever or the writing sucks. When Gamora shows back up you would think there would be emotional fallout even years later. Only Peter seems to be aware or have any response besides Nebula who has been interacting with Gamora and maintaining their relationship. You would think this was a common every day occurrence for most of them.

The same issue effects Gamora's characterization and arc. Endgame showed her to be exactly like the Gamora from the first guardians movie if memory serves me right. We see she can be tough and harsh at times. But she can also show empathy, vulnerability and the will to do the right thing. Vol 3 acts as if none of this is part of her character anymore at first just because of living with the ravagers. I would buy that if not for the fact that there's no way everything that's made her who she is from years before would suddenly be gone and we already know from Kraglin and Yondu that ravagers don't lack the ability to care. You're telling me Gamora went from emotional and in tears about Thanos winning in the future during Endgame and wanting to stop him, to not wanting to even remotely help with the High Evolutionary at first in vol 3. That's so inconsistent it's like they forgot her characterization. Also Nebula was getting on Gamora for some of her actions as if she has room to talk. She wanted to blow up all of Zandar in the first movie and she was ready to leave people behind in vol 2. Did they forgot how Nebula behaved in previous films because pot meet kettle.

I haven't seen any of James Gunn's other films so I don't want to judge him too harshly but either he doesn't know how to write women in complex traumatic situations or he thought what he did was enough which is sad. He showed an afterlife in the film so couldn't he show Gamora at peace or have the Gamora who came to the future explore her feelings around it and bring closure that way.

i totally feel you anon. i've been a hater of natasha's ending this whole time as well, but now seeing how gamora's ending has been depicted (or rly a lack thereof lol) it's weirdly making me feel almost at peace with nat's death. bc it's like oh wow it could've been handled so much worse lol.

with nat my biggest problems were the fridging, her arc ending before she got to do more/have her own story, and her not getting a funeral with tony...truly just minor inconveniences now in comparison to what's happening over in gamora land lmfao

and yeah, i was honestly pretty surprised how much rougher around the edges this gamora seemed. like yeah the ravagers are pretty rough and tumble themselves but it caught me off-guard how much colder it seemed to make gamora, for lack of a better word i guess?? i don't doubt her being really harsh and terrifying in the past under thanos like nebula was saying, but yeah 2014!gamora is still the gamora who was like on the brink of betraying thanos. like even if this gamora hadn't gone through most of vol 1, she's still the gamora who already had one foot out the door so she could stop thanos bc she cared abt innocent lives, so it was a tad surprising to see her act so coldly toward the rest of the gotg or even rocket who was actively dying and would clearly be sorely missed by the others. like not super surprising or even super ooc to me, but just kinda surprising considering her appearance in endgame

like her cold shoulder toward peter i can get, bc it's clear that his baggage with original gamora is hurtful to her and i think that's more than fair. but since the narrative also establishes that peter is seemingly the only gotg character to even have this baggage at all, since the others don't even so much as mention missing or grieving original gamora, idk if she'd need to be such a hater toward them too lol.

and honestly i think her characterization would've made a lot more sense if the narrative had actually included the rest of the gotg's grief for original gamora and sorrow that this gamora isn't her. like, if not being the gamora this world expects her to be has been weighing down on gamora for years, i could see her rly becoming like this, cuz that's a whole lotta pressure she's never gonna live up to! that would be a great character conflict for her. but by erasing original gamora from the narrative outside of peter's grief, we can't even rly justify this gamora's behavior through this issue either

the only other gunn project i've watched is the suicide squad and i don't remember much of my thoughts on it besides generally enjoying it. but i think callie @starmora put it best yesterday when they said that gunn's always had favorites and gamora's never rly been one of them, especially compared to rocket, who gunn has been outspoken about seeing himself in most and being the hidden protagonist of sorts throughout the gotg franchise (to the point that even in the movie, lylla straight up tells rocket, "this story has been yours all along"), so it's unfortunately not surprising that gamora's arc has been...whatever this is. and like, idc that gunn's favorite is rocket bc that's fine and rocket's had a pretty solid story/arc (though i feel like there's something missing between iw when he lied abt being captain of the ship to impress thor to vol 3 where peter decides to make him captain, especially after rocket spent the entire film incapacitated), but it just sucks that it meant there wasn't much wiggle room to deal with the gamora situation

and also i 1000% agree - WE SHOULD'VE GOTTEN AN ORIGINAL GAMORA POST-END CREDIT SCENE!!!! i would've loved to see her like watching everyone dance to dog days are over or something from the afterlife and just kinda feeling satisfied with everything, despite the way things ended for her

[neonstatic]

sex ed season four... not surprised the writers had no idea it was the last season. it's definitely the weakest season. i still remember how hooked in i was by s1 and s2, and i was in love w otis and eric's friendship and deeply related to both their personal struggles. and ofc i love all the characters too: maeve, aimee, ruby (ofc), adam (yes him too ofc!!), viv (underused underrated), jackson (ditto), isaac (literally my husband) and jean (milf).

i think the season lost me bc of its setting? why is cavendish some sort of lgbt haven school. it rly pulled me out, felt v utopic. i loved that there were new trans characters---and that they had a v untypical dynamic. roman is a gnc trans man and abbi is a trans girl, and i expected they would have as close to heteronormative sex as possible but nope! (i personally found roman v charming, he's my bb boy. but wtf does he have his gf's name tattooed so big non his chest jesus) i liked that there was a deaf character, aisha, who is queer and poly...but all 3 of them were so lacking in personality. they felt like checkmarks :/ i liked cal's introduction to the story in s3 but they too feel like a checkmark. i know that they're nb, dysphoric, quiet, and like to smoke. that is sooo little info. even o---whose character was butchered and made into a villain post-production according to yasmine benoit, her creator---has a lot more personality. and ykno what, yeah o was very unlikeable. she looked smug and two-faced. me personally? i like that and i found her cool. it's still sad tho that it wasn't the intention at all, and that it makes one of the few ace characters in media into a manipulative dick whose coming out scene didn't feel genuine.

still glad maeve and otis broke up i rly couldn't stand them together anymore teehee no more push and pull, no more on-off!

eric meeting god was corny ok. wtv happened to realism. rly had to suspend my disbelief w this one. (lowkey also when the pastor went to the school ball. it feels too good to be true idk.) but it's fitting htat he wants to be a pastor. ruby should become a pr manager srsly. and she should date me. jackson and cal should get back together also. or not. i don't believe in hs sweethearts. (says the one who was classmates w elementary school sweethearts)

joanna was such an annoying character im sorry. why would you do that. and who tf is dan i dont remember him

anyway yeah you can tell it shouldn't have been the last season. i was happy to get a finale cus so many shows go on forever but yeah that wasn't a proper ending. oh well!

[tojikai]

NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO I CANT– NO! I SWEAR TO GOD NO 😭😭😭😭😭 IT CANT BE PLEASE NO my anxiety right now is like 📈📈📈📈📈📈📈📈📈📈📈📈 PLEASE POR FAVOR お願いします WHATEVER LANGUAGE YOU WANT, I BEG YOU NO 😭😭😭😭

SERIOUSLY, this fic is messing too much w my emotions, i dont think i can take it anymore LMAO i got the notification i was already nervous, then i started reading and my heart was beating SO FAST and i now i feel like throwing up and crying damn kkkkkkkk /smiling through the tears/ you rly making me feel all sort of things, im sad but enjoying it too much to complain lol

OKAY. I need to be honest here: i read that ask someone said how they perceived each character and i MAY feel more empathetic to Satoru now lol (ormaybeimjustbiasedwhatever) truly happy to see him working on himself and everything else but bro??? c'mon¡!!!¡!! you shouldn't be so naive atp anymore pls she was even talking to the dragon when you got home, my love 😭😭😭 hopefully she wont get pregnant, or loses the baby, or gets arrested for touching someone w/o consent, or gets in a car accident and dies– anyways, there are soooo many ways it could so i will hope for the best while hoping for the worst too;;; the things you do to me, istg 🥲

Also, Toji's showing too many red flags lol i mean, i can kinda understand him but???? Nah, it's like he isn't even trying to listen and understand the reader 🧐 girl, just take your lil girl and run, all mens are bad atp lol go find geto suguru, he knows how to be a good girl's dad and is handsome too

Anyway, after this chapter i may or may not have wavered as Team Toji 👀 its a bit worrying tbh and im that type of person who thinks "one alarm's enough, im out bye~" so cant be hypocritical here and say i want reader to stay lol but i also dont want reader w gojo bc his hag of a mother is rly unsettling, dont think its a safe environment for her or yui,,, im thinking too much im stopping and let the worry for the next

AH JUST REMEMBERED STH!!! Cant help but feel happy that satoru's father backed him up against his mother 💛 wishing a nice future for this man too bc that woman is tOTALLY INSANE!! Who the hell talk like that abt baby trapping someone???? Damn,,, reader rly should have reported her or sth i feel like she'll keep causing trouble whilst out of jail 😭😭

Muito obrigada for this chapter, was rly a great experience (tho i felt anxious LOL) and actually it always is whenever i read something from you :) hope youre taking care of yourself and having a nice week, be well <3

satoru's father would always have his back. he's literally just there for satoru🥹 he lost his first born already, he's not letting anything happen to satoru too. and yeah, toji really got his supporters torn😭 where he's coming from is understandable tho, but in a rs, it always has to be mutual sooo... yeah, thank u so so much for the support <33 im happy u enjoyed itttt

[charc0al-egg]

Note: writing this at school Cuse I can't b in class rn (mental health issues) so I'm writing this instead of being in frensh class… I feel so sigma. (Not rly I'm pooping m pants, hallucinations suck my ass) this is about @the-muppet-joker

……. ××× …….

I thaught I would have liked living at the monastery.. I am a devoted Christian, I'm the best Christian out there, even god is less holly than me.. nobody is as good as Kermit the frog.. nobody is as unsinfull than Dark Eve (from the bible) her self.. nor Adam, tho, he is a man… he should be better. He should be a better femenist. I shuld be a better femenist… and so i thaught devoting all my time to my faith, becoming a muppin monk would do it. I thought it would make me the greatest being, I already was obviously, that's why you all should worship me.. if you already were not…….. ile muppin joker rage on you you Baka pricks. I shaved my head weeks ago.. my buteful Kermit green hair is gone, my bald hair has so Alpha swag, but I need to be a munk. The monastery is my house, it's my house it's my home my home my home my home my home my home my home my home my home my home, because I am (Dark) Eve, I am Adam I am dak Eve I am Adam I am Dark Eve I am Adam, and church is the house of God. I am here and I am holly. I am Kermit. I am joker. I am Dark Eve. I am Adam. I am Vriska. I am bro strider. But the other monks, all bald, egg like, do not want thoes things. They tell me I am unholy, they tell me my kin identitys are bad, that I am bad, that I am sinful, that I am unholy, that I am… a bad person?? How dare they?? I am writing the new Bible, my my.. if they knew they were talking to the rencarnation of the first man, they would love me, they would think I'm holly, so so muppin holly, they would love me.. the way I love my Kermit.. hm. No way. Nothing surpasses the way I love my Kermit. My Kermit is my lover, my Kermit was always there, weather I was rocking back and forth, panicking because my mother talked to me for so long, my ears were itching, my brain was dying, I could not be social, did not want to interact with anyone, but she just kept going on. Each time the whent on, Kermit and joker were there, they encouraged me to get it out, to process it and to tell my mother. I realise now that I may have been mean to my mother about it, mostly because of my previous hatered of woman, but this woman was like the monks here. They hate it when I bring THE puppet that brings me happyness, that brings me comfort, that makes me comfortable. They hate it when I flap my hands talking about this Muppet. They hate it when I put my hands over my ears when the prayer music gets too loud, all things my desk joker and Kermit have helped me do. I get to express my emotions with thoes, weather that be horrnyness, joker rage, happyness.. I get to laught loudly, in a joker way OBVIOUSLY, HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

When I want!!! And nobody gets to take me down, to take my spirit (not the horse) down.. but ever since I'm here, the monks have been.. strange… not having my Kermit plushie with me has been hard, yes, but on a deeper level.. I'm dying from the inside.. and I know the monks have been planing this, they plan to fully take all of.. me! Out!! How? Oh how could they?? Ile have nobody to rant to when I watch a Muppet movie I had not watched yet, ile have nobody to hug me when going outside and talking to people get to much.. my buteful kin identitys.. all gone? How wil I be a good Christian then? I whont know how to be the best Christian anymore.. wil my joker rage not.. rage anymore? Wil my laugh get even tamer than it has been here? The monks are always shutting me down, shutting my mouth so that they can pray, saying that my praying is bad… I'm sad. I'm horny. I'm angry, but not in a joker way.. just.. empty as they exorcise me. I'm nothing anymore. I'm nothing I'm nothing I'm nothing I'm nothing. No dark eve, so no dark femenism? No Adam? Just a casual Christian. Casual. Casual like the song of my.. my. My favorite artist, but she isn't there!???? CHAPPEL ROAN WHY DID YOU LEAVE ME?? She did not leave me, she is stil out there is the world, but her music does not fill me with joy like it used to. Her words do not make my jump around out of happyness, I do not joker smile when ever I see her face on the news.. it's just a ‘oh hey!! Chappel roan! She is cool”, like a normal 22 year old man. Normal 22 year old man. Normal 22 year old man. Normal 22 year old man. Normal 22 year old man. Tears role down my cheeks. Everything is tame, lame, sad, dead. Flies go around my room, they buzz and I do not react. The urge to kill them isn't there anymore. My mother speeks to me, thrilled that I do not spend hours talking to her about Muppet hole anymore, my ears are ringing, I do not have the energy to concentrate on her facial expressions anymore. I do not have the energy to talk anymore. Ivan barely get out of bed. I cry, scream, not because I'm trying to get something out of it,. My body just does this, and Kermit isn't here. Joker isn't here to make me laugh, to make me smile to make my hard to make me Faithfull that everything is going to be okay. So I just continue crying. I continue rocking back and forth, I continue flapping my hands and I continue being unable to speek. My sleeve in between my teeth, my sleeve of my black zip up hoodie. I used to have all my pins on this joket, my buteful pins that used to tell people that I am bigender, a dark femenist, that I am Kermit, Vriska, dark eve.. but I no longer have thoes down in my zip up hoodie. What was the point? It would be a lie to keep them there. I am only Colter now, the name I hated for so long the name I despised the name I want to despise but that is normal as fine and that everyone loves… but they wil never love the true me, the true me that is somewere out there, that was taken away by thoes egg man's (AN: sonic reference 4 my best friend) of monk guys. Mupp- Fuck thoes monk guys.

NOTE: At my current place of living, feeling slightly better, thanku for reading this <33

[justthingsforme2see]

feeling lost

ughhh idk ever since i got my period ive been so down about myself. i feel like i'm failing in life and invisible. my coworker gets all the guys (guys i don't like but I just wonder why no one even wants to look at me, despite all the compliments i get on how beautiful i am) and it makes me a little upset. My brothers getting so much attention even tho he doesn't rly seem to care about anyone that much. My other brothers in a relationship. All these things are starting to make me feel like i have nothing to offer, but i know that's just my emotions trying to get to me. I pay attention to everyone but myself lately.

my manager was talking about hiring someone new and she said she wanted to hire another 'for-lifer'... and it almost made me spiral a little bit. is this what I'm destined for? my brother's getting all these big academic and athletic achievements, my other brother is starting to get more stream subscribers and is in a good relationship, and I'm still single and scared to make art and post it on the internet 😑 but i just don't want to settle! It makes me sad because despite that I can't get a single freaking yes for ANYTHING I do unless it's out of nowhere miracle and im like WOAHHHH but for once I just want to have the credentials someone's looking for yknow??? and even if I make things, they rarely get attention no matter how much i try. i feel so worthless. I just want to be seen for once. seen positively, because I feel like if I am seen, Im being bullied or criticized or made fun of, or my mind just doesn't process when I get positive reactions for others. I'm scared I'm not going to get this really great job I applied for. and I rarely have any creative spark anymore. I don't have any prospects and I've been waiting around for years for 'the one' to show up and I'm too much of a recluse to even find them or try. and even when I go out it's like everyone's scared to talk to me or is just rude to me. and on top of that i can't find anyone i like around here!!! the only person i've found who i truly was interested in ended up with some stupid guy!!!! UGH

anyway, back to career. I keep trying to 'let go let god' but it's so freaking difficult. My biggest miracles of blessings come literally when i'm like this and i know that but i just feel like i'm going to run that out and I'm trying to manifest like everyone says and i just... idk i guess i'm impatient. i'm scared that No one is going to hire me even though i keep applying and trying and doing what i can (because I'm juggling so much emotionally and physically that I can't even put my ALLLL into everything I want to do) I'm scared i'm going to be stuck at my job forever and nothing I make is going to blow up. I'm scared I'm never going to have businesses and success and the big house with a farm and travel and a beautiful marriage. i'm scared. I want it so badly. i have a vision board for this year but none of it has happened 😭 but i know I'm not making the content I truly want to make that would probably help me get there. but i don't even freaking know what i want to make anymore. i've been trying to please people for so long that i don't even know. because no one in the town believes in art and actually making a career from it including my mom, who i've tried to please for god knows how long because of god knows what. i'm so sick of this. I haven't cried over feeling pathetic in YEARS but i just can't hold it in anymore. i feel pathetic, and exhausted, and I don't know what to do. I've been holding my head high and trying to be strong and calm and resilient but i'm just ready to break down. i don't wanna be struggling paycheck to paycheck for the rest of my life. i have so much to offer the world if only they'd pay attention!!! And I know I'm in one of the better positions because I'm not out on the streets or in a terrible place with no car struggling to pay bills. I'm extremely lucky and extremely grateful. but i just wish something would budge. when I make sfc it struggles to even get 10 views. my youtube videos only get 40 views if im lucky. and I'm scared to make what I truly put my heart into because what if it gets crumbs? but i still want to try but...ugh, so many buts. i'm just so sick of this.

I wish i was thin and fit i think literally everything would fall into place LOL

[strawberryseeded]

veryveeeeeeeery personal vent :P

2day a had a HUGE breakdown ….ha.ha… of course it was abt my job. n my health.

i got out of work (after one of the WORST days in a long time) TEAR EYED n sniffling like stupid. started walking 2 get off sum steam .or something. walked (sobbing) til reaching the more commercial street n was like i deserve smt nice !! so i bought some air-dry clay. sobbed inside the store also (trying rly hard to actually keep my cool. it just was impossible). but got the clay. yay. got out n sobbed some more while walking. saw sum cute tees on a store window. thought i deserve this too !!!! is the money worth it if i feel like this????? no way in hell!!!!!!!!!!! but im Trying to make it worth it!!!!! rly cute tees btw, i ended up buying both of them 👍they were soooo cheap<3 *sobbing again as i write this! * *

pics of the tees :)

i actually couldnt find a pic of the chocolate one but its similar to the one i put here. just cooler(?)

anyways

when i got home 4 the 1st time i vented 2 my friends abt part of it, how tired and worried i was n they immediatly were like brother this is clearly somatization at play..,n i was likee hehe yeah maybe :P *keeps crying *

my mom got home sum hrs later, i broke down in front of her as wellll.......i was like mom this isnt normal this yr i got sick SIX TIMES since i started working, one time after another. i hv NEVER gotten sick so many times before tell me im not crazy n you are thinking the same as i am. she was like what do you mean. i answered MY JOB my job its getting me sick. she said you dont know that. maybe they arent related you werent sick last year and you had the same job. and what are you gonna do if not this, anyways? have you thought about it? i said No (crying) bc i HAD thought abt it, several times since last yr, but absolutely NOTHING has come to mind since then. which is the important part & what she was asking anyways.

i told her im not asking you to fully support me until i find another job. i just need you to agree with me that this isnt NORMAL.

her: you need to go to the clinic. get some studies done. go to therapy. then we'll talk. you can't quit your job, what are you gonna do in the meantime?

me: i dont Know!!! that's whats freaking me OUT!!! * SOBS AND SOBS*

her: well then TAKE THE NECESSARY STEPS to know what are you gonna do!

me: i get it but i can't stand to keep getting sick anymore!!

in the end we both went to the farmacy n she bought me a shitton of vitamins and cough syrup etc etc.

sighs.

idk

im so lost. i was so set on "enduring and search for smt else in the meanwhile".. it seemed like the perfect plan!!! but apparently the enduring part was... way harder than what i expected? (as u can see the search. did not bear fruits) which makes me feel really really pathetic ;_;

in general my job makes me feel rly pathetic and vulnerable and like im not cut for it!!! (and keep in mind i went to SCHOOL for it. it was my choosen career!!!) that's why everytime i talk abt it here im so vague abt it n just say i hate it or that it tires me out a lot, or that im gonna kms one of these days(lol) . irl its kinda the same i just try to sound more positive and like im a normal, functional member of society even tho i dont feel like that At all. bc if I dont its just SAD.

where was i going w this....

god. idk. i just. i fantasize everyday abt quitting. everyday. but i just cant. i feel so alone and useless, both when im working and also off the clock bc i just cant help but drag with me everything i think & feel abt the "worker me" everywhere i go.

wouldnt want anyone i love to ever feel this way.

anyways. u hv NO IDEA how much my eyes sting rn, they hv all day. idk if its bc i cried so much.. also im still sick so im rly rly tired..:( so im just gonna stop now.

i still have hope and dreams, despite it all! i just hv 2 yet find the way to turn them into reality.