#she's like idgaf if he accidentally eats me if we kiss I would trust him to stop and if he didn't well then I'd trust his decision

[mrdragonageherself]

The detective: capable of reading even the tiniest change in micro-expression across rooms.

The detective after saying they would let A drink from them without hesitation: they were totally unreadable...

[ecotone99]

[HM] Dutch East India Trading Company

I wrote this awhile ago, and one of my friends said I should post it here.

Part One: Salacious Spycraft

Growing impatient with the flow rate of information from espionage, a certain Governor from the Dutch East India Company decided to employ their skills from their secret side profession in an attempt to seduce information out of the Deputy Governor-General of the Dutch East India Company.

It all started on a warm sunny day in Sumatra as the Deputy Governor sat in the corner of the Pink Horn Bill, a popular brothel in Sumatra. The smell of sweat, lust and cheap cherry incense permeated the large, curtained room. The madam of the establishment approached the Deputy Governor, “It’s not very often that we get such an important man in here.” The Madam said as she reached up and touched a lock of her hair. “We have a treat for you - a visiting escort who is extremely beautiful.”

The Deputy Governor, already on his 10th glass of sweet Sumatran palm wine, looked excitedly at the madam and said “well bring her out then! I don’t care about the cost!” The Madam got up and walked toward a door in the side of the room. She looked back and smiled at her mark.

A minute later, the Deputy Governor looked as the door creaked open. Out came a remarkably beautiful escort who made his way over to the governor. Having lost his eyeglasses at some point between his fourth and fifth glass of palm wine, the Deputy Governor couldn’t see that the escort was really the Governor-General of Batavia.

[… some time later]

The Governor-General smiled as he left the room, having learned the info he came to learn. He found out that the Deputy Governor-General not only had 100,000 shares within the Dutch East India Company, but also had 20 ships which were smuggling opium through the region. Never had he been happier; he finally had a nearly unlimited source of opium to use. The 5,000 guilders, 2 Toläs of opium, and one crazy night, were just an added benefit.

Part 2: Amor et mortem

The Governor-General of Batavia awoke in a daze as he looked over at the Deputy Governor General, who he gave the adoring nickname “Woody”. He looked over as Woody was pacing along the rich lion rug he had bought from a smuggler in the southern tip of Africa for the anniversary of the night they hung out in the Pink Horn Bill... the night that they accidentally stole each others’ hearts.

Woody paced to the end of the rug and looked down despondently, eyes fixed on the small stains at the base of the skull. He chuckled as he remembered the intensely passionate night that birthed the stains. He turned to continue his anxious pacing and caught the eyes of the Governor-General of Batavia; the weight on Woody’s mind was painfully obvious. His eyes were sunken deeper than the remnants of the epic battle between the Dutch and Travancore. His hair was matted and tousled, and his mouth was downturned in the deepest frown he ever had. His shoulders were hunched to the point they formed a perfect “n”.

The Governor-General of Batavia rolled out of the deep red satin sheets and walked over to Woody. “What’s wrong” he said as his foot hit the luscious gold fur of the lion. “It’s the opium. We’re screwed Boo Bear,” Woody said as he handed a report to Boo Bear. In huge bold print were the words:

Mysterious Destruction of Food, Opium Crops in the Peninsula

Boo Bear’s heart sunk. Woody and him had been through many challenges, but none were as damning as the possibility of losing access to Opium. Shakily, he asked “just how bad is it exactly?” Before the words even left his partner’s mouth, Woody closed the distance between them and kissed his neck in the way he always did to disarm Boo Bear before delivering bad news.

“Bad,” he said as he looked deeply into Boo Bear’s eyes, watching as a single tear began to fall down his right cheek and into his beautiful dimple.

[...days later]

Boo Bear stumbled off of the ship he chartered to take him to the heart of the Peninsula. The emergency supply Boo Bear brought with him from his and Woody’s secret getaway in the Mediterranean had run out and the withdrawal symptoms were getting too severe. He needed opium and he needed it now.

The rest of the day was a blur. The next thing Boo Bear remembered was a native villager poking him with a stick as he laid on an elephant patty in the middle of a poppy field. In his hand was a single poppy, with it’s juice oozed out over his hand. He was surrounded by beetles, which appeared to be eating all of the opium crops.

The villager laughed as he helped Boo Bear to his feet, “This is a first. I’m used to rich white men stealing my crops, but never like this.” After a lengthy discussion, Boo Bear learned that the mysterious beetle, Coleoptera Mortem, had appeared at the beginning of the previous month and quickly spread everywhere between Gujarat and Bengal.They targeted mostly food crops, but they also took a heavy liking to the opium crops which were grown in the region. The people of the region who weren’t starved were experiencing severe opium withdrawal and couldn’t work, which only compounded the crop shortage. Total production in the region is down 40%. Boo Bear needs to get more aggressive in his acquisition of Opium.

Part 3:

3 weeks. It has been 3 excruciating weeks since he left. Where is he? Woody thought to himself. This couldn’t continue. He needed to find Boo Bear. He didn’t even know if he was still alive, but he needed to find out. He needed help. He knew he could only trust one person with such a mountainous task: the Director of Finance and Accounting for the Dutch East India Company, who he and Boo Bear affectionately nicknamed to as ‘Porkchop’.

But first, he had to deal with the clusterfuck that the board of directors for the Dutch EIC turned into. With the plague in the Peninsula and the disappearance of Boo Bear, the Dutch grasp on Batavia began to slip, and a faction within the board desired to forcibly seize Boo Bear’s assets and territories. The Governor-General introduced a motion to take back Batavia by force, but Woody and Porkchop were able to muster up enough support to hold off the assault... but only temporarily. The balance of power was still shifting, and soon it’d be impossible to stop the rest of the board.

Visibly upset, the Governor-General called to adjourn the meeting, citing ‘external affairs’ which required his attention. Without a seconds delay, Porkchop and Woody paced out of the room as everyone else averted their eyes. Woody and Porkchop walked stepped out into the biting cold wind of the abnormal winter storm which had sprung up seemingly overnight. Woody looked over at Porkchop to see him studying his face for any reaction, but Woody was emotionless. He had exhausted his emotional potential worrying about Boo Bear. He wasn’t even thinking about his financial losses. They were dwarfed by the loss of his heart.

Porkchop began to say something from his bodacious red lips, but was cut off by Woody who exclaimed “How idiotic can I be? I literally sent an opium addict into the heart of the land of opium!”

Porkchop wanted to laugh at the outburst, but couldn’t muster the energy. “It’s ok Woody. We’ll find him and bring him back. At the very least, he’s in the land of opium so you know he’s happy.” Woody attempted a chuckle, but couldn’t. With the death of his heart came the death of his laugh box. “I will go find him.”

“What do you mean‽ You can’t possibly want to go there right now. There’s too much uncertainty within the board right now. They’ll skewer you too.” Woody pleaded.

“No, I must. I control too many assets and too few troops. If I don’t, they’ll seize everything I have anyway. The only hope for me -- No. The only hope for US -- to is for me to transfer my assets to the USP and send my remaining warships to protect Batavia. We need to jump ship now and turn our forces against the DEIC before it is too late.”

Woody looked over at Porkchop and couldn’t help but finally laugh; he couldn’t help but once again notice Porkchop’s extremely pointy nose and rosy red complexion which had earned him the nickname on that day they first met in the backseat of his father’s carriage. Porkchop laughed too, knowing it was the only thing he could do to pretend they weren’t in the toughest position of their lives.

[...4 weeks later] [...or maybe 5 idgaf]

Woody sat out on the ocean-side deck of his Mediterranean getaway-- or rather, his Mediterranean home as he hardly spent time anywhere else after the disappearance of Boo Bear. I can’t give up hope, he thought to himself, knowing that it would be the first place Boo Bear would go if he managed to get away from the Peninsula in one piece.

He was looking out at the horizon like he did almost every waking moment since Boo Bear left. Sleep was pulling him deeper and deeper into its grasp just as the bottle of gin in his hand was loosening itself from his own grasp. It fell and joined the sea of half empty bottles of alcohol and despair which the deck had turned into, which woke Woody up with its clatter.

Dazed, he looked out at the horizon with the last bit of hope he had left. To his surprise, he saw a ship approaching with the distinctive porkchop painted into its mast. He jumped up, half out of fear, and half out of anticipation. Had Porkchop been able to rescue him? Or is he dead? He didn’t want to know the answer, but he ran down to the dock to await it regardless.

As the ship got closer, Woody could make out a disastrously malnourished figure overlooking the side of the ship. When it was almost at the dock, he realized it was Boo Bear and just about died of anticipation of the wild times they’d have again. All the worries of the world faded away as the figure jumped off the ship and into his arms. “I can’t believe you’re finally back!” He said with tears flowing down his face, “you have no idea how much I’ve missed you.”

Boo Bear looked back at Woody with just as longing of an expression. “I’m glad to be back. I brought as much opium as I could fit onto the ship.” Woody couldn’t help but smile. Boo Bear may be a useless and insignificant opium addict, but he was his useless opium addict. He was so overcome with emotion that he didn’t even notice the absence of Porkchop. Woody then awoke from his slumber to the report in his hand which read “Governor-General of Batavia and Director of Finance and Accounting for the Dutch East India Company found dead in apparent murder-suicide.”

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