#she's a much shrewder boss than any i have previously had and she's kind of a hardass for someone so personable
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pretty cringe of me to be freaking out over not meeting a requirement that I knew I was being lax about but didn't know was an actual hard and fast Rule
#it's the guilt (not working as hard as i should be) mixed with the fear (consequences looming but not certain)#mixed with the utter mortification (getting caught objectively and provably slacking)#truly the catholic guilt does not leave you alone even when you know that there was a well intentioned mistake in with the bad decision#like yes i Did let the response time go too long and i knew that as i was doing it but if i knew it was going to reflect on the team and not#just me i would have been more conscientious#and i Was depressed for a bunch of last year so like. my numbers are demonstrably a little bit shit across the board. but still#i do care and i don't want to do badly#i'm just falling prey to my old enemy thinking i could put things off until i was feeling capable#exactly as i'm doing right now#it's embarrassing to have my new boss' scrutiny on me too#she's a much shrewder boss than any i have previously had and she's kind of a hardass for someone so personable#my previous boss was very chill and when she's not happy she tends to issue a directive and leave us to achieve it w/o making it personal#and the one before that was a new manager who cut me a lot of slack bc she had a lot on her plate and not much experience#whereas my current one if she gets a suspicion about your work i get the impression she starts to audit you#and you'd better keep your work squeaky clean and keep your receipts#not an easy person to win back lost trust with#an uncomfortable position to be in for someone like me who's never been good at maintaining a steady and impeccable workflow#i've always had a surge -> crash kind of productivity cycle#but i've never been in a spot before where i feel like that is a genuine risk to my job and i do not love it#ugh#so deeply deeply anxious#nothing i can do but catchup overtime and try to do better
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