#she'll never forgive herself for needing so much help or for hurting ko or for any lil problem that may not even be her fault

[tvrningout]

i love when songs make me think :' )) bc it occurred to me that aside from maybe her family members, chiyo's probably never?? really spoken about kojirou to anyone, and if she has, it was the bare minimum. like her relationship ended with him in high school, he moved away, and then chiyo never spoke about him again, which wouldn't be totally unusual if it wasn't for the fact that the way that relationship ended continued to impact her as she grew older.

chiyo's issue with kojirou was that while they had great chemistry and understood one another really well, chiyo was still just a kid. kojirou was just a kid. love was this big and scary concept that kojirou wasn't afraid of but wasn't ready for, and chiyo was terrified and not ready. love meant fully opening up to the possibility of getting hurt; love meant forever, in her mind; love was too much to ask of her at a time when she was still growing used to the idea of being wanted in the first place, still recovering from years of feeling unwanted and troublesome.

the fact that chiyo never talks about kojirou means that she can't move on and heal from that experience. just bc she couldn't love him doesn't mean she's incapable of loving someone else, and it doesn't mean that she's going to ruin future relationships. chiyo has a mindset of, " of course i'm the problem. i always make things difficult, " and that stems from being bullied and needing so much attention from her family and from her relationship with kojirou. she doesn't place any fault on the guy who told her he loves her right before moving away :' ) like what was even the point ko :' )

i sure am rambling asdfg but all of this is to say!! make chiyo talk about ko. make her talk about why she hasn't been in a relationship since high school. make her talk about something hard that she avoids and ignores bc that's what she'll always do unless it's pulled out of her :' )