#she’d probably fall for House tho which would complicate things a lot

[the-evisceration-station]

What do you think book!addy’s feelings are towards beth? Even tho addy is the protagonist I still find her very hard to read. Which makes her interesting I guess Bc she’s very mysterious. I love and hate that a lot of the story is subtext haha

That’s a very interesting question and I’m sure everybody probably has a different answer for it, as Addy is such an ambiguous character and intentionally so, because she lies to readers as well as herself. Particularly book!Addy, who I do not believe is quite identical to TV!Addy, even if I do think the most important beats of her character remain the same. I’m going to answer this under the cut both because of potential spoilers and because this is probably going to get long.

In this essay, I will…

Well, I think much of the way Addy describes Beth is some of the way Addy genuinely sees her, rather than an entire farce. Beth being something almost goddess like, someone who knows all and always has some kind of agenda. I don’t think Addy’s actually lying to us when she describes viewing Beth in those ways, I think there is a major part of her that does see Beth as some kind of nearly divine entity.

I think she feels this way partially because Beth is something of a spooky kid, she’s violently protective of Addy to the point where “protective” crosses over into “possessive” territory. I also think Beth projects a powerful persona on purpose. Beth very carefully guards her vulnerabilities and she is, after all, Top Girl, the thing that Addy secretly wants to be. And that’s where I think Addy kind of confuses Beth with what Beth has, and what she thinks it means to have that. She thinks Beth is more powerful than she actually is, because Beth has the thing Addy wants and she believes she’d be more powerful herself, if she had it.

However, do I think Addy sometimes exaggerates about how powerful she sees Beth as?

Absolutely. Because Addy also reveals she knows Beth has vulnerabilities. She knows that laughing is Beth’s way of crying. She is fully aware of how detrimental and unhappy Beth’s home life is, another vulnerability. When she wants Beth to give her one more day before going to the cops, and asks her for it, she pleads, “for me,” because Addy knows that she, herself, is one of Beth’s weaknesses. So if Addy knows where the chinks in the armor are, chances are she doesn’t always see Beth as infallible as she acts like she does.

The fact that Addy knows she can get Beth to do what she wants with a “for me,” also implies that she’s aware that she’s the one who actually has more control in the relationship, which diminishes how godlike she constantly describes Beth as.

Look, I have seen some takes that describe the Addy/Beth relationship as “Addy has All The Power behind the scenes and Beth is just her pawn,” as well as “Beth has All The Power outright until Addy stands up for herself” and personally I don’t agree with either. I understand why people would come away with such interpretations, but I personally don’t think it’s either. I think Beth and Addy both have power in that relationship, and that there is push and pull between them. I actually feel that to insist one has all and one has none is to cheapen the complexity between them, the depths of the layers of this twisted relationship they’ve woven together like a tapestry.

However, I DO believe Addy has the lion’s share of the power. Not that Beth has none. I certainly think she has some, and she’s too aware of what Addy is like under the surface to ever be described as her pawn. But that I do feel that Addy has MOST of the power. Because Beth has more exploitable vulnerabilities in places Addy doesn’t. Because Beth will do anything for Addy, and Addy knows it, and Addy knows she can use it when she has to. Because when Beth goes too far, Addy can assert her quiet control and reel her back in line. Some of the other girls notice this much. They point it out more frequently in the show, but it’s book!Tacy who point-blank tells Addy that she’s more afraid of Addy than she is of Beth.

Hence, given that Addy has the lion’s share of the power, I think she has a tenancy to exaggerate how all-powerful she sees Beth as, because if she has to, she can control Beth’s power by proxy. Beth’s power isn’t an inevitability for her. Quite often, it’s even her asset.

What I do think almost feels like an inevitability for her, is her and Beth’s relationship. I actually think Addy has more internal conflict about this than she lets on. She is an unreliable narrator. She doesn’t tell us everything. What she does tell us, is what she wants us to know, and it’s dyed by how she wants us to see it. But I think it’s very interesting that after the fight at cheer camp, and the other girls think they’ll never be friends again, Addy’s just…of the mindset that well, of course they would. Because coming back together, being together is just what they are. Like it’s some force of nature, not a conscious choice. Like it is what it is, the same way gravity exists because it exists and when something is dropped, you can count on it to fall to the ground. Because gravity exists and things do not simply float away, it is not good, it is not bad, it is not fair nor unfair, it just fucking is. And Addy dismisses the other girls’ thoughts, because she thinks they could never understand. Well, I don’t think Addy really understands it either!

I think at this point in the book, Addy truly felt like what she and Beth had was an inevitability of a sort. I don’t think she wanted it to be. I think she genuinely wanted to move away from Beth already, but on this point, I don’t think she was lying to us. Relationships are complicated, codependent relationships specifically can feel very contradictory and confusing. And I think she failed to elaborate more on it, specifically because such feelings were confusing and contradictory, and she didn’t want to think about it any more than she had to. She didn’t want to look at it. There are many things Addy doesn’t like to look at.

Major YMMV on this one because it’s left incredibly ambiguous, but I personally do believe there was a point in time when Addy was in love with Beth. Addy is the one who kissed Beth. Addy is the one who initiated their borderline (or even, some people think it went that far, I personally don’t) sexual encounter.

“I started it, but I don’t even remember why or how,” is her input on her motivation. But when is Addy ever honest about her motives? Almost never, not even to herself.

Also, the hamsa bracelet. The story behind the little charm is that it’s the Hand of Fatima. Fatima was stirring a pot when her husband came home with a new wife, let the ladel slip from her fingers, stirred with her own hand, and didn’t even notice the pain because of how brokenhearted she was. Or, at least, that’s the version of the story presented in the book. The one I know of IRL is different, but for the purpose of discussing Dare Me book canon, I am using the symbolism of the version of the Hand of Fatima lore presented to us in the book.

Beth is Fatima in this story. Addy is the husband. The new wife is Colette. Fatima was the first wife. The husband married his first wife, chances are, he loved her at some point.

I think three things play into Addy no longer being in love with Beth.

1) Beth’s possessive behavior began to feel suffocating and drive Addy away.

2) Addy prioritizes ambition over love and accomplishing her goals wins out over any romance, at the end of the day.

3) Addy represses her sexuality and probably even holds some (unfair) resentment toward Beth for feeling attracted to Beth.

My gray faced friendo, I am going to repeat that: this is all just my take. I think in a subtext loaded book like Dare Me, people are bound to come away with over a hundred different interpretations. I am not the authority on Dare Me. That’s Megan Abbott. I’m not here to crap on anyone else’s interpretation if they feel different.

All of this is what I personally took away from the book and since you asked, that’s what I’m describing. I’ve been giving my own personal take throughout the entirety of this answer, of course, but what I’m going to describe going forward is a lot of me reading in between the lines with my magnifying glass, and may seem less coherent than the above. Okay, here we go.

Point #1: I feel like Beth’s possessive behavior began to drive Addy away, because it’s a lot to deal with. Beth gets dog leashes for all the girls on the squad at one point, but goes as far as to have Addy’s name embroidered on hers. Addy goes to another girl’s birthday party and when she gets home, low and behold, Beth is waiting at her house. RiRi outright refers to Addy as “Beth’s girl,” as if Addy belongs to Beth.

I think Addy even begins to feel like she does belong to Beth, in some ways, and becomes comfortable feeling that way. But eventually, she doesn’t want to feel that way anymore. Their relationship is extremely codependent, okay. I think in both the book and the show, it’s more obvious from Beth’s side, because we’ve reached the point in that relationship where Addy is beginning to pull away. Beth reflexively seems to cling on even tighter, because she feels it happening. But it’s absolutely codependent from Addy’s side too.

Throughout the book, there are many moments (I’m not going to comb for all of them, sorry dude, it’s almost 300 pages) where Addy behaves like she and Beth are an entity unto their own. Even as she’s moving away from her as she develops her bond with Colette, there are instances where Addy will describe sensing things inside Beth. There is even a moment where Addy thinks Beth is touching her ear (the ear Addy scarred, mind you) only to discover, no, she’s touching her own ear!

Plus, Addy feels like she needs others to verbalize her thoughts/feelings for her and for a long time, this person is Beth. Implying that not only does Addy rely on Beth to do such a thing for her, but she believes that Beth can know her thoughts accurately enough to do so.

Point #2: I think ambition outranks love for Addy, because her goals are her endgame. Addy is patient, Addy is deceptive. Addy likes the way power feels and I think it’s one of the reasons she gets so high on her relationship with Colette (even if it is an inappropriate and eventually damaging one). Colette makes Addy feel powerful, probably more powerful than she actually is. I’m going to repeat myself a bit here and even copy/paste some of my thoughts about this from a reply I left to a comment on Ao3 (that poor person, I went into a full on Addy rant) because I feel like what I said previously is relevant here.

*deep breath* When we begin the book/series, I personally believe like on some level, Addy does still have feelings for Beth. However, I do NOT think those feelings are as strong as they once were, and I don’t think they are feelings Addy wants to have. I think the remaining feelings Addy does have for Beth are mostly there because they’ve been in a codependent relationship for so long, one that consumes her identity, and in a relationship like that, even if you don’t want those feelings anymore, they’re difficult to move away from. Because at some point, you don’t really know who you are not just without that person, but without those feelings, even if you want to, even if wanting to is part of the reason you want to get rid of those feelings. Codependency is a strange animal, my friend.

Although Addy’s relationship with Colette was never mutually romantic nor canonically sexual, I do believe there was a part of Addy that was ‘killing’ her remaining feelings for Beth through that relationship. “Love is a kind of killing,” is one of the oft repeated lines of the book, and I’d even say it’s one of the themes. It is Beth who says it, and we see that she feels it too, her love for Addy is killing her. She nearly kills herself out of it (though I’d say other things impacted Beth enough to put her in such a state that suicide felt worth it, even if her feelings for Addy were the primary motive, again YMMV).

The Matt/Colette/Will dynamic is another example of love becoming a kind of killing. Matt kills Will for Colette. If we believe what she tells Addy, then he acted on his own in doing so and it was an accident. If we don’t believe her, she might’ve even been the little worm in Matt’s ear who told him to do it. Either way, he killed for love. None of the audience really cares for their hetero nonsense, because Matt is sexist and both Colette and Will are predatory people, but nonetheless, their debacle largely impacts the story. And it supports the idea that “love is a kind of killing.”

I believe love as a kind of killing is something Addy weaponizes for her own development. To her own detriment as well, because it ends up taking her to dangerous places.  Even so, I think Addy had/has some lingering feelings for Beth she uses forming a bond with Colette to metaphorically ‘kill’ inside herself. Like finishing off an already mortally wounded animal, if you will. This would also support “love is a kind of killing” as a recurring theme.

Addy’s relationship with Colette gave her a crutch and a new outlet, and Colette’s encouragement (while the audience knows its manipulation) also gave Addy affirmation for the way she was already feeling about Beth— that she wanted to distance herself from her and come into her own. In addition, Colette seemed to be ‘safer’ because Addy doesn’t have to compete with Colette.

The presence of specifically female socialization is very palatable in the book. The way the girls slut-shame each other. The way other people see them, the feminine appeal of cheerleading. Others take the glitz and the glam of it at face value without understanding the more masculinely-coded things that go into it, like dedication and athleticism. Colette is a villain, no doubt, but you have to give the devil her due, and her circumstances are as miserable and empty as they are because she finds herself boxed into traditional feminine roles she isn’t suited for. Although the show is not the book, and I will maintain that I don’t feel they are identical entities, I do think Willa had a lot of interesting input on this in her Build interview, alongside Taveeta and Abbott. Check it out if you have the time—

Wait, where was I?

Right, right, female socialization in Dare Me. Okay, continuing on.

I feel that female socialization also plays an important role in the relationships between the characters, namely the Beth/Addy/Colette dynamic. We live in a culture where women are socialized to tear each other down and compete with each other even outside of the athletic arena. Combine that with the athletic, cutthroat world of cheerleading and you’ve got yourself a powder keg of an environment where those competitive feelings are going to come out full force. Addy, wanting what she wants, is inevitably going to have to view Beth as a rival, romantic feelings or otherwise aside.  

Colette feels like a ‘safer’ object of attraction because her cheerleading days are over.

Colette does not pose a threat to Addy’s thirst for power, she can only help her achieve it. I definitely think the lack of Colette posing a threat to Addy’s goals plays into how comfortable she feels with her. I also think, to a teenager with dreams of grandeur already feeling suffocated in a relationship with her peer, this is where the age gap appeals to Addy even as it disturbs us readers.

Again, Addy doesn’t have to compete with Colette, because Colette has aged out of ‘cheerleader’ and into ‘coach.’ Colette is a seemingly self-sufficient adult (initially) who doesn’t spin out the way Beth does, and depend on Addy as heavily as Beth does. Colette represents the agency Addy covets, and feels nearer to when with her.

I mean, we all know things change once a dead body is brought into that dynamic and we all know that Colette is emotionally manipulating Addy for her own purposes. But I’m not talking about Colette’s perspective, I’m talking about Addy’s before all the crime scene hullabaloo. What happens after the night with Will changes things, but up until that point, I think this is much of what Addy got out of her bond with Colette, no matter how inappropriate a bond it was. No matter how much it shouldn’t have been happening.

I will say, I don’t believe Addy ever fully realizes the extent to which Colette was manipulating her, although it’s clear as the book goes on, she realizes some of it. She picks up on things that don’t add up, acknowledges some red flags she initially ignored, and refers to her as a liar at one point.

Wait JJ, why are you talking about Addy and Colette? The question was about Addy and Beth!

Yes, but I think you cannot always separate the two. Because I think many of the developments that occur in the book between Addy and Beth, and the way in which they occur, play out as they do because of Colette’s entry into the story. Abbott said herself that Dare Me is a love triangle. A triangle is connected by all three sides, okay, continuing on…

I think there are things Addy deliberately sought out in her relationship with Colette— I will repeat this because again, I personally view this as part of the theme and part of the answer to your question— including ‘killing’ what remained of her feelings for Beth. I think it’s also very clear that she thinks Colette is the key to getting what she wants and accomplishing her own goals.

But I would go the extra mile and say she projects some of her feelings for Beth onto Colette. I’ve brought this up before, but I will elaborate more about that now.

I think Addy is earnestly attracted to Colette, just as Colette. Yes, even book!Addy. It’s more subtle in the book, but contrast the way she describes Jordy to the way she describes Colette. Her fascination with the way Colette looks when Will is fucking her. It speaks of attraction and that’s perfectly fine. It’s normal when teens have crushes on adults, what isn’t normal is when adults indulge those crushes. When adults pick up on the cues Colette does, and choose to fan the flames instead of snuffing them out. That’s the part that’s fucking scary.

But I also think she projects her feelings for Beth onto Colette and I think that helps explain why Addy latched onto Colette so quickly. When Addy messes around with Jordy, she does it because Colette points him out. And when she tells Colette about it later and Colette doesn’t even seem to remember him, Addy is taken aback, almost offended… and yet, just a couple of pages later, she’s disparaging the girls who do similar things for Beth.

“…hitching jeans low and flashing thongs at security guards. Beth likes to make these girls run.”

Colette and Beth also share some notable similarities. Both can be cold, cutthroat, have calculating thought processes. Colette even looks like Beth in the book. Addy also sort of tries to recreate a ‘better’ version of the bond she had with Beth, with Colette and this is where I stop and I’m like, man, what a weird freakin’ kid. Addy, smh. But you see it, right?

Addy flips for her coach like she flips for her captain. Ties the same bracelet Beth once tied on her wrist onto Colette’s wrist. Does the thing with Jordy very comparable to the things other girls do when they’re trying to impress Beth. Uses Colette specifically when she wants to become her own person, but can’t quite do so yet, because she’s so used to her lifelong codependence with Beth.

And you know how earlier I mentioned that Addy can control Beth when she has to? How the control Addy has over Beth is a quiet, deceptive thing?

Well I think that’s something that Addy projects onto Colette too. Addy is so used to being able to assert that quiet control and maintain the relational power (which is not the same kind of power Addy is seeking endgame) with Beth, that when she begins using Colette as Beth’s substitute, she doesn’t realize she doesn’t have it anymore. I think that’s one of the things that gets her into hot water later, because she absently assumes she’s going to be ‘safe’ with Colette the way she is with Beth, have that ability that she does with Beth to reel things back before they go too far…but she doesn’t.

Addy uses Colette as Beth substitute. But Colette is not Beth. Beth is spooky. Addy is scary. Colette is terrifying. Addy can’t take control of Colette the way she can of Beth. Colette is an adept master manipulator, an adult who has years of experience that Addy lacks. Colette is better at her game than Addy is at hers, and Addy gets in deep shit partly because she doesn’t recognize that.

I would actually compare the Colette/Addy situation a bit to the Kurtz/Beth situation in the show. There are things Beth wants out of Kurtz, she talks to him because she plans to use him, and it inevitably has devastating consequences for her. Kurtz is a predator. And he’s better at his game than Beth is at hers.

The situations are not identical. The consequences are not the same. But both are exemplary of teens being naive fools and thinking they have some control in situations they definitely do not, with people they couldn’t hope to.

Addy gets what she thinks she wants in the end. I’ve addressed why I think this isn’t as cracked up to be as she thinks it is in another post, but that’s not really relevant here. Addy chooses to pursue having her own power above all, and it’s Beth who winds up giving it to her, not Colette. But I think Addy needed to eliminate her feelings for Beth to actually get there, or even if she didn’t actually, it’s what she felt she had to do and most of those feelings were deteriorating already because of Beth’s possessive behavior.

Point #3: I personally believe Addy represses her sexuality. And I do think that plays into how she views Beth, both when she had feelings for her, and when those feelings began to die. I feel Addy harbors some subconscious resentment toward Beth along the lines of a “I don’t want to be like this, but you make me feel this way, and I hold it against you” type deal. However, again, I think that’s a subconscious feeling rather than something Addy is cognitively aware of, and actually, I don’t think it’s separate from how she’s fed up of Beth suffocating her. I believe it only feeds into that feeling and makes it stronger, enhancing her frustration.

Addy is often very cruel when she describes Beth. I think there’s a bit more to it than the inevitability of viewing Beth as a rival outside her control and somewhat within it, the possessive behavior Beth suffocates her with.

I think forgetting that she and Beth had a borderline sexual encounter was repression on her part. I also think this line;

“…and who need to talk of such wonders? We nestle them away, deep in the fury at the center of us, where things can be held tightly, protected, and secretly cherished as a special notion we once held, and then had to stow away,”

wasn’t just about Beth. I think it was about Beth and just like, pursuing girls in general. At least openly. I’d go out on a limb and say another one of the things that drew Addy to Colette was because Colette was a ‘safer’ objection of attraction in the sense that the likelihood of something happening between them was very low. Fantasize safely from the closet, kinda deal. But maybe Addy’s less aware of her sexuality, or at least confronting it than I’m giving her credit for. I mean, she looked up RiRi’s skirt and was all like, “why are other girl’s panties more interesting than your own?”

Addy. Addy, baby. Why do you think.

Oh, and I think Addy kissed RiRi without telling us! At the marines’ party, Addy and RiRi are hanging and then this scene happens.

“She’s fumbling with her phone, trying to send a text. Because it’s all okay because these are Will’s men and nothing bad could ever happen, one of them is pressing our heads together, wanting us to kiss.

“Always ready,” he says. “Always there.””

Then RiRi hugs Addy and starts in about how she couldn’t be close to Addy before, because of Beth. But that’s the thing. It just has that creepy ass adult man trying to make these teen girls kiss, then goes into some dialogue, Addy never actually explains what happens in that moment. If the guy made them kiss or if he let go of them. If either of them protested or just went along with it.

I personally believe they did kiss and I believe Addy doesn’t mention it for two reasons.

1) She’s trying to convince herself and us readers that Will is safe to be around, ergo his men must be too. But some grown ass dude physically trying to force teen girls to kiss each other is obviously a fucking creeper. Will is also a fucking creeper.

2) She enjoyed kissing RiRi and doesn’t care to elaborate on what enjoying that was like, because doing so would mean confronting her sexuality. Her sexuality being one of the many things Addy doesn’t really confront.

Wow, that was a long ass essay. In this essay, I done did. So that is my interpretation of Addy’s feelings for Beth. Feel free to take ‘em or leave ‘em, maybe we don’t feel the same way and that’s totally cool. But you asked, so I answered. That is what I feel is going on with all that mess there.

This essay probably has a shit ton of typos and for that I apologize, but I can’t comb through all this now. This long as hell and I’m hungry, I need to go eat. 

[isabvllas]

         ♡ . *  (   jennie  kim,  cis  female,  she  /  her   )   have  you  heard   ?   it  seems  like  the  heir  of  the  MUN  dynasty  was  very  close  to  liam  yu  too.  they  go  by  ISABELLA  and  they  were  liam’s  FAMILY  FRIEND.  their  networth  is  of  82M  and  they’re  only  TWENTY-THREE  …  what  a  burden  it  must  be.  i  heard  they  can  be  very  COQUETTISH  and  VIVACIOUS.  but  these  last  few  months,  their  DISINGENUOUS  and  VAIN  personality  has  been  showing  more.  the  media  is  sure  having  a  field  day  with  them   !   i  hope  this  road  trip  with  friends  will  help  them.  did  you  know  that  CHEWING  BUBBLEGUM  AFTER  LUNCH,  WHISPERING  SECRETS  TO  A  LOVER,  CANDY  HEARTS  and  PILLOWS  STAINED  WITH  TEARS  really  show  their  true  persona   ?    maybe  liam  was  the  only  one  who  knew  that  ...   

         hi  everyone,  i’m  so  happy  to  be  here   !!!   my  name  is  diana,  i’m  twenty,  go  by  she  /  her  pronouns,  and  reside  in  the  est  timezone.  some  quick  facts  abt  me:  i’m  a  libra  and  girl  group  stan   !!   below  u  can  read  a  bit  abt  my  muse  isabella  hehe  if  u  like  this  post  i’ll  hit  u  up  for  plots   !!!   my  discord  is   missing blackpink hours#5522  if  u  wanna  message  me  there,  but  if  not,  im’s  work  just  fine  <3

♡ . *    𝒔𝒕𝒂𝒕𝒊𝒔𝒕𝒊𝒄𝒔    !

full  name :  isabella  grace  mun

nickname(s)  :  bella,  isa  (  by  liam  only  )

age  :  twenty-three

zodiac  :  libra  sun,  scorpio  moon   (  click  )

sexuality  :  bisexual

alignment  :  chaotic  neutral

pinterest  :  click

♡ . *    𝒃𝒂𝒄𝒌𝒈𝒓𝒐𝒖𝒏𝒅    !   (   drug  tw   )

keeping  up  appearances  has  always  been  the  mun  family’s  main  focus.  everything  they  do  is  an  attempt  to  better  their  public  image.  her  parents  marriage  was  merely  another  business  agreement  between  two  powerful  families

her  father’s  side  works  in  finance  and  investments,  while  her  mother’s  side  owns  one  of  the  wealthiest  PR  firms  in  the  world

her  parents  got  married  because  there  was  nothing  the  public  loved  more  than  family.  you  could  get  away  with  almost  anything  with  the  illusion  strong  family  values  under  your  belt.  isabella’s  conception  was  just  part  of  the  arrangement

her  mother  was  not  particularly  maternal.  her  husband  was  a  few  years  to  her  senior,  so  she  was  still  fairly  young  when  she  got  pregnant.  however,  they  had  already  been  married  for  two  years  and  a  baby  was  part  of  the  deal

isabella  was  passed  along  through  a  string  of  nannies.  none  of  them  stuck  around  long  enough  to  give  her  the  emotional  support  she  so  desperately  desired.  she  clung  to  adult  figures  throughout  the  majority  of  her  childhood,  from  boarding  school  teachers  to  private  tutors

as  she  grew  older,  however,  she  began  to  understand  the  way  of  things.  she  barely  spent  any  time  with  her  parents,  but  the  one  thing  she  learned  from  her  father  was  how  to  look  out  for  herself.  no  one  else  was  going  to  do  it  for  her

throughout  secondary  school,  she  perfected  the  art  of  getting  what  she  wants.  she’d  put  on  a  sweet,  helpless  act  to  manipulate  those  around  her.  she  became  fluent  in  lying,  and  it  always  worked  to  her  advantage  that  she  had  a  face  people  could  trust

she  spent  her  teen  years  growing  a  social  media  following,  becoming  a  beauty  influencer.  she  was  seen  as  an  it  girl,  credited  for  starting  various  fashion  trends

without  anyone  looking  after  her,  isabella  was  able  to  do  whatever  she  wanted.  however,  she  also  learned  from  her  parents  the  importance  of  maintaining  a  pristine  image.  so,  she  partied  and  had  her  fun  out  of  the  public  eye,  or  so  she  thought

at  seventeen,  isabella  had  her  first  coke  scandal  after  pictures  of  her  were  leaked  to  the  tabloids.  it  was  like  a  rich  kids  right  of  passage.  her  parents  were  furious  with  her.  for  a  moment,  isabella  felt  hopeful.  they  were  furious  because  they  cared,  right  ?  unfortunately  for  her,  it  wasn’t  because  of  what  she  was  doing.  they  were  only  angry  she  was  stupid  enough  to  get  caught

isabella’s  mother  took  care  of  cleaning  up  her  image.  after  all,  damage  control  is  what  she  knew  how  to  do  best.  isabella  was  forced  to  take  a  break  from  social  media.  according  to  the  statement  her  family  put  out,  she  was  under  a  lot  of  stress  from  running  a  social  media  empire  at  such  a  young  age.  as  per  her  mother’s  instructions,  her  social  media  blackout  lasted  a  year.  by  the  time  she  was  back  in  the  public  eye,  she  had  graduated  high  school  and  was  started  the  next  chapter  of  her  life

however,  the  year  she  took  away  from  social  media  was  the  most  time  she  had  ever  spent  with  her  parents.  she  was  forced  to  stay  with  them  so  they  could  keep  her  from  further  tarnishing  the  perfect  image  they  had  created  for  themselves.  during  this  time,  she  found  out  she  hated  her  parents.  they  were  cold,  and  completely  emotionless

she  felt  alone  most  of  the  time.  her  friends  were  almost  always  fake,  and  so  was  she.  she  was  always  putting  on  a  mask  too,  so  it’d  be  unfair  to  even  judge.  but  the  only  person  she  could  ever  trust  was  herself.  except  liam  was  different

she  knew  liam  her  whole  life  through  familial  connections,  but  she  only  got  closer  to  him  over  recent  years.  he  seemed  to  be  the  only  person  who  could  understand  her.  she  started  to  confide  in  him  with  a  lot  of  things.  he  made  her  feel  less  alone,  a  true  friend.  it  was  unlike  anything  she  had  ever  experienced  before  and  she  wasn’t  used  to  anyone  genuinely  caring.  he  would  let  her  sleepover  whenever  she  was  going  through  something

his  loss  hit  her  hard.  even  though  she  tries  to  appear  like  she’s  grieving  his  loss  healthily,  she  isn’t.  isabella  has  convinced  herself  she’s  cursed,  like  his  loss  was  her  fault  just  because  he  was  associated  to  her.  like  everything  she  touches  falls  apart.  she  kinda  started  using  drugs  again  more  heavily  because  of  everything,  where  before  she  mainly  only  used  in  social  settings

♡ . *    𝒑𝒆𝒓𝒔𝒐𝒏𝒂𝒍𝒊𝒕𝒚    !

isabella  appears  to  be  an  extrovert  on  the  surface.  even  though  most  of  it  is  an  act,  she  has  a  lively  presence.  she  likes  to  be  the  life  of  the  party  and  the  center  of  attention,  but  when  it  comes  down  to  it,  it’s  just  part  of  the  persona  she  puts  on  for  others

she’s  playfully  flirty  with  almost  everyone.  it  started  as  a  way  to  manipulate  people,  but  she  also  finds  amusement  in  it  now.  to  her,  everything  life  is  a  game  and  she  wants  to  win

she  is  always  trying  to  manipulate  people  for  her  own  selfish  gain,  however,  she’s  extremely  careful  to  be  lowkey  about  it  so  no  one  really  knows.  she  appears  to  be  very  sincere  and  considerate  of  others.  most  people  view  her  as  harmless,  which  is  exactly  what  she  wants.  she  wants  people  to  underestimate  her

isabella  can  be  quite  full  of  herself.  she  obsesses  over  her  appearance  like  24/7  partially  due  to  her  social  media  presence.  she  won’t  leave  the  house  without  looking presentable  because  she  refuses  to  be  spotted  looking  bad

but  aside  from  obsessing  over  her  looks,  she  also  has  a  superiority  complex.  she  thinks  she’s  better  and  smarter  than  most  people,  but  she  doesn’t  show  this  side  of  herself  too  often

she  loves  to  go  out  and  be  in  the  presence  of  strangers.  she  feels  closer  to  them  than  to  the  people  she  actually  knows.  but  it’s  one  of  the  reasons  she  loves  parties  so  much.  asksjhkjsh  like  that  part  in  great  gatsby  where  that  girl  was  like  large  parties  are  much  more  intimate  !!!  that’s  bella 

her  life  is  ultimately  unfulfilling  tho,  because  the  way  she  masquerades  around  pretending  to  be  one  way  just  to  use  people  for  her  own  benefit  has  left  her  completely  alone.  she  seeks  real  friendships  and  relationships  deep  down,  but  she  does  everything  in  her  power  to  bury  this  side  of  herself.  she  also  seeks  validation  but  doesnt  care  enough  about  anyone’s  opinions  to  ever  receive  it

♡ . *    𝒘𝒂𝒏𝒕𝒆𝒅  𝒄𝒐𝒏𝒏𝒆𝒄𝒕𝒊𝒐𝒏𝒔    !

partner  in  crime  -  someone  who  she  can  scheme  with,  someone  who  will  play  these  little  games  with  her,  someone  she  has  fun  with

ex-lover  -  there  could  b  more  than  one  of  these   !!!    they  could  have  ended  on  bad  terms  or  good  terms,  still  have  lingering  feels  or  tension  maybe  they’re  friends  or  maybe  they  just  try  to  stay  away  from  each  other 

unrequited  crush  -  ur  muse  could  have  a  crush  on  her  and  maybe  she’s  oblivious  or  maybe  she  uses  it  to  her  advantage.  OR  we’d  have  to  plot  this  out  well  but  maybe  she  has  genuine  feelings  for  your  muse  and  doesn’t  know  what  to  do  about  it  because  this  never  really  happens

requited  feelings  -  speaks  for  itself,  but  our  muses  have  feelings  for  each  other.  ik  isabella  would  make  things  complicated  just  because  it  would  be  hard  for  her  to  accept  that  she  actually  cares  about  someone  that  isn’t  herself

will they,  won’t  they  -  there’s  tension  between  them,  but  nothing  has  ever  come  out  of  it  yet.  maybe  something  has  almost  happened,  maybe  they’ve  kissed  once,  but  either  way  the  tension  lingers  in  the  air  whenever  they’re  together

flirtationship  -  they  flirt  with  each  other  constantly,  but  nothing  has  ever  come  from  their  flirting.  maybe  they  have  good  chemistry,  but  haven't  done  anything  about  it  and  maybe  they  don’t  want  to.  maybe  they  don’t  want  to  ruin  a  good  thing 

current fling/friends  w  benefits -  someone  she  is  currently  seeing.  it’s  most  likely  no  strings  attached,  but  maybe  it’s  someone  she  genuinely  cares  about  as  a friend

enemies  w  benefits  -  imagine  the  tension   !!!   they  started  out  hating  each  other  but  ended  up  hooking  up.  maybe  it  was  a  one  time  thing,  or  maybe  they  can’t  stop  going  back  to  each  other.  maybe  they  keep  it  a  secret  and  don’t  want  anyone  else  to  know.  this  could  develop  in  soooo  many  ways  pls  this  is  so  sexy  !!!!

party  buddies  -  they  always  go  to  parties  together.  maybe  they  don’t  see  each  other  outside  of  parties,  maybe  they  met  at  a  party  and  started  hanging  out  more  afterwards

drug  /  alcohol  buddies  -  someone  she  gets  fucked  up  with.  maybe  they’re  not  that  close  when  they’re  sober,  but  are  way  closer  when  under  the  influence

ex-friends  -  someone  she  used  to  consider  a  close  friend,  but  they  had  a  falling  out  for  whatever  reason  n  maybe  they  strongly  dislike  each  other  now,  which  means  isabella  is  probably  trying  to  plot  their  down  fall

sibling-like friendship  -  someone  she  sees  like  a  sibling.  since  she’s  an  only  child,  i’d  love  a  friendship  that  feels  like  family

unlikely  friends  -  a  pair  you  wouldn't  imagine  would  be  friends,  but  for  whatever  reason,  they  get  along  well

cousins  -  they  could  get  along  well,  or  maybe  there’s  family  drama  that  makes  them  hate  each  other

take  care  -  someone  who  looks  after  her  when  she  drinks  to  much   !!!   someone  who  keeps  her  out  of  trouble  when  she’s  under  the  influence.  she  would  probably  feel  extremely  weird  like  when  she’s  sober  bc  someone  taking  care  of  her  ???  feels  fake  2  her

confidant  -  someone  who  confides  in  her  or  someone  she  confides  in,  or  they  confide  in  each  other.  they  don’t  necessarily  have  to  be  the  closest  friends  ever,  but  they  get  along  and  maybe  they  talk  more  in  private

rivals  -  they  don’t  like  each  other  for  whatever  reason,  which  we  can  plot. maybe  it’s  jealousy  or  their  personalities  just  clash,  but  for  whatever  reason  they  do  not  get  along

frenemies  -  they’re  great  friends  to  each  other’s  faces,  but  when  they’re  not  around  each  other,  they  act  questionably

bad  influence  -  someone  she  is  a  bad  influence  on.  maybe  she’s  manipulating  them,  or  just  encourages  them  to  do  bad  things  and  they  listen  to  her  for  whatever  reason

that’s  everything  !!!  i’m  soooo  sorry  this  got  a  lil  lengthy,  it  wasn’t  my  intention  but  also  idk  how  2  shut  up  AJKDSHDJH  anyway  i’m  so  excited  to  plot  with  u  all  and  start  interacting,  so  hit  me  up  on  discord  or  im’s  or  i’ll  come  to  u  <3

[peacefulwriter88]

One That Got Away - Chapter 2

Steve Rogers x OFC Ariadne Bellamy

Chapter 2: Between the Bars

Universe: Marvel Canon

Rating: M for Mature (Language, Sexual tones eventual)

“Well that was a bust.”

Steve gives a low chuckle as he follows Sam out of the brownstone, the soft rays of the bright sun greeting them.

“You weren’t kidding when you said rent was outlandish on this island. Not like I didn’t believe you but goddamn…that’s like….someone’s paycheck. Like both our paychecks and maybe even Natasha’s for good measure.”

Steve chuckles and nods, stuffing his hands into the thick blue bomber jacket that he hugged tighter to his frame.

“You’re telling me,” he flickers his eyes back up at the brownstone, before taking a look around the neighborhood and sighing. “I’m starting to think that I might have to just be ok with living in the tower for a few months longer.”

“Fucking sucks,” Sam agrees and then nudges him, trying to lighten the situation, “But at least someone else agreed. That cutie with the outburst before storming out. That was pretty bold. And also why she’s the kinda girl I’d probably hang out with in high school….” He pauses a second, before chuckling and shaking his head, “Who am I kidding, she’d be too cool for me in high school. College for sure tho – I think she’d be a great wing woman.”

Steve can tell Sam is just waiting for him to laugh at the small joke he’s inserted into the statement, waiting for some kind of positive response. Normally, Steve would feed it to him. Instead he’s distracted this morning, his mind is working overtime and though he gives Sam a small smile, Sam can already tell that it’s insincere, not reaching his eyes. Steve hates that Sam has the type of silent ability to read him, to pull out the parts of his personality he tries to keep hidden from the rest of the world and turns away instead, allowing the bill of his cap to shield his eyes.

“The price of the brownstone wasn’t what was pushing her over the edge. Though it definitely wasn’t helping her mood.” Steve offers instead and Sam raises a speculative eye,

“She wasn’t?”

“No,” Steve starts to move down the block, away from Sam who is quick to catch up just in time to catch the tail end of the response “She was telling her friend to back off from coming over to say hi to us.”

Sam stops walking mid stride, allowing his brain to process something before he sighs and catches up to Steve’s constant pace.

“You and your damn super soldier hearing. Is there anything that gets past you?” He waits a beat but Steve doesn’t answer.  Instead keeps his lips in the same tight line they had been all morning, barely erupting into a smile and only for the benefit of Sam. “Okay then Cap, then tell me this. You couldn’t keep your eyes off of her. The minute her and her friend walked in I saw the way you were immediately drawn to her.”

Sam notices the small flinch Steve makes, before the super soldier is snorting and shaking his head. Putting up walls. Guarding himself.  

“What are you talking about Sam?”

“You don’t think I didn’t see the way your eyes flickered over to her throughout that showing? I saw how much you kept glancing over to her. She piqued your curiosity and I don’t think it was just because of how cute she was. You should’ve followed her dude. Asked for her number.”

Steve gives Sam the same smile, sad and uninterested though his mind is drifting somewhere else.   Sure, he could’ve done that. That would have been the easiest thing to do but….it wasn’t in his nature to make the first move. Not when he didn’t know how the outcome would play. His hesitancy was more than his nerve – he also had the new burden of his celebrity. It was hard to connect with anyone, women or no, because the intentions of humans were always unclear and complicated.  

Even though he had been intrigued by you, even though he was curious to get to know you just a bit more, the outcome didn’t weigh out as worth the trouble. So you were a cute girl that he had missed out on connecting. It wasn’t the end of the world.

Many more would come and go throughout his cursed path in life. No point in lingering for this one.

“Steve! Are you listening man?” Sam nudges him again and Steve nods, shaking his head. Despite the fact that sometimes Sam would pry and push him in moments like this, Samuel Wilson had been one of the better things that had happened in Steve’s life in this decade.  While he had a handful of good friends, he could honestly say that Sam was one of his closest by and by. Kept him from going insane, from staying in his head and allowed him to open up.

But most importantly, Sam was one of the very few people that Steve had learned to trust in recent years. Which spoke a lot about the character of the former Army vet.

“Yea Sam I’m listening,” Steve looks over at him, this time humor finally dancing along with the smile he throws his way, “You want breakfast. Why do you think I’ve been steering us away from my bike and toward the direction of food?”

Sam furrows his eyebrows together, getting a bearing on his location before chuckling and nodding.

“Didn’t even realize….damn man,” Sam’s voice is amused as he places a hand on Steve’s shoulder. “I should know better than to doubt you – Steve my hero.”

Sam’s voice is dripping with sarcasm and Steve rolls his eyes, laughing as he shrugs his hand off of him.

“You’re ridiculous. But this place has been around since even I was a kid and still makes a mean omelet. And would be the perfect place to hear about how you and Bucky are faring…”

Sam rolls his eyes, grunting as they near the doors of the familiar restaurant. It would be Steve’s strategy to woo him with greasy diner food to understand why Sam couldn’t get along with the other super soldier. Steve knows it, and knows that it would probably result in a quiet breakfast which he was greedy for. He’d only been up for four hours but he already was exhausted by the world, was already over the day to day motions. They walk in, allowing the familiar hearty food to great his nostrils as his eyes survey the place. It seemed like nothing had changed here, was one of the few places he felt he could let go of the breath he was always holding. He’s about to suggest a place to sit when he hears it. A low feminine voice that seems oddly familiar and he turns his head to be accosted, again, by you.

Your eyes look like moss caught in amber as the sun hits them through the glass pane, doe eyed and complemented by curly lashes that are unable to fall into its natural motion of blinking. Your mouth is agape before you turn, your hair that’s pulled back into a bun on top of your head following with you as you fall into the old cushioned seats and though he can’t see it, he hears the way you press your foot against your friends, the way she whimpers an “oww” before she’s kicking you back.

He smiles.

He was used to seeing people reacting like this, women especially. It was flattering really. Though usually women, by this time, were trying to garnish his attention even in the subtlest of ways. You were doing everything in your power to stay hidden, to push yourself away from him. It made him curious to understand why, and though he did want some time to himself he also wanted to combat the boredom that was encroaching in his mind, in his soul. This would at least me amusing, and it was enough to get him to tug on Sam’s jacket, nodding his head over in your direction and saying,

“Let’s head over there.”

He doesn’t wait to see if Sam follows, he know he will and can’t help but smile further as your friend’s eyes grow larger and you fall deeper into the seat.

This would be amusing indeed.

“Hey,” he says lowly when he rounds your seat, and you blink up at him as he continues, “You were at the Open House down the block, right? Told that agent she was out of her mind for the overpriced brownstone?”

You nod and he clears his throat.

“I’m Steve. This is Sam,” he nods over at Sam who is watching Steve with amused ease. “I thought it was pretty awesome what you did back there. You mind if we join you? I’d love to sit and chat with someone who is equally looking to rent on this island. See if they have any tips?”

You just blink up at him, he can hear your heart hammering in your chest before your friend kicks you again and you throw her a look before clearing your throat and nodding.

“Ye..ye….yes. yea. Yes. Sure. If…you want.”

He smiles as he slides into the booth seat beside you, his smile never leaving.

“Perfect.”

Breakfast starts off awkward. You spend a solid ten minutes not saying anything, just sitting there flickering your eyes between him, Sam and your roommate. At one point you laugh at something Sam says, but it’s not enough to pull anything out of you.

It’s a stark contrast to the energy you had an hour earlier and he wonders what about him makes you shut down completely.

You’re roommate on the other hand – Ellie – has flipped roles with you and has become unseeingly chatty. She had been quiet – timid when he had observed the two of you earlier. Now she was filling in the quiet, chatting earnestly with Sam and him as you observed her in silence, smiling occasionally as you sipped on coffee. He figured it was probably a result of the three coffee’s she had been downing, her eyes flickering between you and him as she explains that you both lived in Queens. Correction, that you both had grown up in Queens and had been best friends since you were six, living on the same block and going to the same schools though you had been the one to leave the city for a spell after graduating from NYU to live abroad. He learned that she was a makeup artist for a salon and occasionally socialists throwing parties throughout the city and that you were a sports journalist for ESPN. That though you loved the house that you both rented from her grandmother you were both itching to live closer to the island.

It's only when your food arrives that Sam and Ellie switch the conversation to themselves, giving him space to try to engage with you.

“You don’t rub me as the kind of girl who’s shy.”

He’s precise with the pepper he shakes over his eggs as your eyes widen, then narrow as you look over at him,

“What makes you think you know the kind of girl that I am?”

Your voice is cautious, protective, like he’s done something to offend you. Curious. It’s not jealousy, you seemed genuinely amused by Ellie’s urge to spill out your life story. But there is something else that has you holding back from him.

He proceeds cautiously as he forks into his eggs,

“I don’t know. You seemed pretty bold and outspoken back at the viewing. It’s an odd contrast to how you’re acting now.”

“I didn’t have enough coffee this morning and let’s be real – that real estate agent was pushing too hard with the wrong crowd of people.”

A fair statement but he doesn’t know how else to respond beyond, “that’s fair” before its followed by more silence. He shifts in his seat, his eyes flickering over to you another time as your eyes keep focused on the meal in front of you.  He’s never really striked out before with a girl, not since he became Steve 2.0 and the fact that you weren’t impressed by him both annoys and excites him at once. It rattles him. He also wasn’t used to this confident feeling that was running through his veins, the realization that his modern good looks was something he’s taken for granted, that somehow he’s garnered Bucky’s confident attitude.

It makes him uncomfortable and he shifts again, getting lost in his thoughts as you clear your throat and ask,

“What’s inspired you to look for a new place? That big shiny tower downtown not cutting it for you?”

It takes him a moment to realize that you are directing the question to him, that Sam and Ellie haven’t stopped their cadence in their conversation and that you’ve stopped eating to take the time to look over at him and listen.

He debates giving you a superficial answer, the same one he’s retold too many a real estate agent or stranger, but then he looks into your eyes, those soft orbs that take him off guard and he feels it would be un-dutiful to lie to someone like you.

The fact that you drive this thought through him makes him uneasy,

“I love my team – don’t get me wrong,” another shift in his movement, adjusting his body to look toward you, “buts it’s nice having my own space. And I’m not getting that right now. That and…Sam thinks it would be nice if I could create distance between my work and creating a personal life.”

He says the last part lowly, hoping you don’t catch it though the way your eyes soften at the edges as you return to your food says otherwise before you’re saying,

“You mean Captain America doesn’t want to spend endless hours stressing out? I couldn’t imagine wanting that kind of space…”

He chuckles, taking a hearty bite out of the scrambled eggs he’s scooped up, taking his time chewing, debating his next response before he replies,

“Yea. I like being a calculative ball of anxiety and stress on behalf of our country.”

It’s a lame excuse at humor, it comes off a bit flat and he internally face palms himself at the ridiculousness of the statement. Whether you care or not doesn’t matter, you still laugh underneath your breath as you scoop potatoes into your omelet and nod,

“Why would you be? A country like this?,” Your voice is laced with sarcasm as you look over at him “Where solid values dissipate with convenience and selfishness, morality seems to border on narcissism and the word freedom is an illusion so that rich, white men can keep everyone else in check,” you take a big scoop of eggs looking at him and chewing before saying with your mouth full, “With a world like that and manners like these why wouldn’t you want to save me or anyone else?”

It breaks him. It’s the first time he’s been around anyone who doesn’t try to keep up with his façade of perfection, of purposefully being rude for the sake of breaking proper etiquette. It relieves him – doesn’t realize that he’s needed someone to look beyond the idea of him and be as human with him as he tries to be to them and the relief  causes him to laugh. It’s loud and boisterous, filling up the space in the restaurant and causing a few patrons to look their way. You laugh along with him, having to peel away to take a sip of water and though Ellie and Sam pull away from their conversation to see what has caused the shift between the both of you, they don’t insert themselves into their conversations.

They giving knowing looks to the other, returning back to whatever it was they were speaking about as Steve puts his fork down, wiping his eyes.   

“Didn’t consider you a cynic.”

“I’m not a cynic,” you scoff, taking another sip of your water before continuing, “I’m just aware where I stand in this modern world and couldn’t imagine what it must feel like for you to operate in it. I’m not saying it was peachy keen your time – aside from war your society wasn’t ready to really address things like race and sex and other categories that differentiate one human from another. But I’m sure being here, a society where a lot of the generations haven’t been bridged by the fear of loss and thus able to operate in happy isolation, disconnected from others despite all the opportunities to find collectiveness has to be…I don’t know. Difficile?” he furrows his eyebrows together and you chuckle, “Challenging.”

He watches you for a moment. There’s a pit in his stomach that he normally swallows down, allows himself to wade in when he’s left alone in the privacy of his room and he’s stuck reflecting on this same topic alone. Perhaps it’s the precise way you call out what he has to deny himself on a constant basis, the truth that he must cover up with lies.

It shuts him down, causes him to get lost in his thoughts. You must feel it, the shift in the air and the tension that’s created and you hesitantly place your left hand over his free one, speaking lowly,

“I take what your team does as an example. Here in the streets of Manhattan we had aliens….fucking aliens, fall from the sky and attack us. To try to destroy humanity. And you and your team fought for that – fought for the rest of our rights to live. Right? That should garner some kind of award?”

You’re watching him carefully, giving his hand a squeeze and he gives a slight nod,

“But instead of thanks – of rewards, Tony Stark Industries and so by default The Avengers had nearly a two year long lawsuit because of the amount of physical damage that was done on the city. No one was blaming the goddamn alien beings that came down to hunt them down – oh no that would’ve been too simple. Instead they defaulted on you and your team and I get that to a degree….we can’t sue the aliens who are left over for collateral damage technically. But now you’re all under a microscope for trying to save our lives. The modern man sues The Avengers for destroying his store though the damage was the result of saving the man’s life. Against, one more time because I still wake up some days and can’t believe – A GODDAMN ALIEN SPECIES!? My world has allowed the message of fiscal values to run their lives so when people do try to fight for the good it gets jaded in the narrative. I think that has to be…well beyond annoying but more importantly must play an interesting burden on you.”

There’s silence that lingers between the both of you. You’re not looking at him with pity in your eyes, not giving him that fake pained look of understanding. There’s truth behind your irises, an empathy that causes him to swallow thickly, to cast his eyes away from your own and down to your hands that are together. You pull away, suddenly aware of the intimate motion and lean against the window, away from him as you clear your throat.

“If I overstepped my boundaries, feel free to tell me. God knows I have a tendency to say too much and I’m not trying to psychoanalyze y-“

“You’re not overstepping,” he cuts you off frowning. “It’s just the first time I’ve heard someone who’s not a part of my world articulate it to me. I’m just trying to process this.”

You nod, grabbing your coffee taking the sip as you watch him. Your patient as he tries to find his words, tries to find a way to deflect the things that make him feel stripped, naked.

“So you’re saying the man who’s had his whole livelihood ruined because I’ve thrown an eight foot alien through his kitchen shouldn’t be mad?” he picks up his orange juice, taking a sip. Curious to understand your intention.  

“No,” you respond, crossing your legs in front of you as you sit up a bit. You’re wearing black leggings and a low dip t-shirt underneath your jean jacket and he tries to not allow his eyes to focus on the way your cleavage ripples from your breath. You really were a beautiful woman.

“He should be upset, that’s not illogical,” You look up, your eyes shifting back and forth as you try to debate your next words, “But there is, to a degree, some need to have appreciation – to tap into your humanity. The alien was going to come in and damage the man’s shit whether he likes it or not. You went the extra step of not only saving his life, but allowing him a future to rebuild his store. It’s not to say that you aren’t just in the heavy way you lay the hands of justice because you and your crew are savage…” you watch him carefully before continuing. “But that is the material. Not to be undermined of his livelihood and also the knowledge that your group so willingly contributed to reconstruction. The thing is, we use you when it’s convenient for us and scold you very similarly. You all have become the gods of Olympus and that power almost naturally creates fear for those who don’t understand that not all use it for evil. That’s all.”

“So it's fine because we are willing to fix things up? Everything doesn’t fall into place like that.”

“I know that.” You take a sip out of the porcelain container, frowning.

“Its fair that people get upset with us. Sometimes the damage we cause is far greater than what it would have been. Anger is a natural response.”

“I know that too,” you counter, leaning into him. “I never said that people’s anger isn’t displaced, it should live there. But on the long term, people shouldn’t harbor resentment towards you and you shouldn’t harbor the weight of guilt for trying to do what’s best for them.”

You’re giving him those eyes again, the soft kind that makes him want to be encircled in your arms, wrapped in your presence. He didn’t like how quick you are, witty, so he buffers it away by giving a wry smile,  

“This is as personal to you as it is to me. Seems to me that this is stemming from something deeper.”  

You take a deep breath, a smile emerging on your face as you return to your plate, taking a bite.

“Someone you know?”

“Yea,” Ellie mutters underneath her breath, inserting herself into the conversation for the first time since they’ve started to eat. “Her father.”

“Ellie!” you counter back and she shrugs,

“What!? He deserves to know how much you defend him and where this is coming from.”

You sigh, shifting out of your comfortable stance and returning to your meal. He can see the walls go up, can feel the way you stiffen. He wonders if this is what it’s like for Sam when Steve’s pushed and not ready for it.

He respected that. It made him want to get to know you more. It showed that you valued your vulnerability, was mindful with where you placed your trust.

Wasn’t going to budge it for him despite knowing who he was.

He hadn’t experienced anything like that with a woman since...

“Anyways,” you say, cutting his thoughts and pushing your plate away from you after a few minutes and looking over at Ellie, “I have a really big piece to finish editing as the deadline is tonight and I’ve not even glanced at it since I looked at it yesterday. And Ellie has…..a thing.”

Ellie scrunches her face as you grab your purse.

“I don’t have a – “

You raise your hand as you turn toward Steve, giving him a rueful smile,

“I hate to eat and run just a lot to do. But this was really nice. Not everyday you get to have breakfast with Captain America and the Falcon….”

You were good. Understood the art of slithering away from things that challenged you and made you uncomfortable. He knew this pattern, lived it every day since he awakened from ice. He choose to fight – seemed your art was flight.

It disappoints him, though, that he’s the trigger that causes you to default to this. He wanted to get to know you, to understand you.  He likes how upfront you are, how careful you are with your words, the depth you bring.

But he also understood being forced into something without any voice and he didn’t want to be like that for you.

So he does the next best thing,

“We enjoyed it too. It was nice getting to know you. Let me grab breakfast – the least I can do for interrupting your morning.”

You stop your movements for just a second, before your shaking your head incessantly.

“You don’t have to…”

He smiles, moving out of the booth as he looks down at you,

“Please. It would be an honor.”

Your lips twitch up earnestly, two dimples digging into each of your cheeks before you chuckle and nod your head,

“Ok.”

He wants to ask for more, your number, a chance to meet up for coffee. Except when you stand up beside him, chest for chest as you look up at him, he knows he shouldn’t. You had been courteous to let him bully his way into your morning breakfast and he should respect that now you needed your freedom.

“Good luck on your article.” He offers instead and you smile, nodding.  

“Good luck with….saving the world.”

You both stare at each other. He wants to leave but there’s something pulling him to you, urges him to want to brush the hair from your eyes and press his lips against your own. He doesn’t like it. He’d only known you in an hour and already he felt all logic thrown out the window. You threatened vulnerability.

He couldn’t afford it.

And you deserved better.   

“Nice meeting you Sam. It was great hearing all of your stories.”

Ellie’s voice breaks you both and you shift your bag over your shoulder, leaning away from him as you smile over at Sam.

“Great to meet you Sam. You both have a great one….and thanks again for breakfast!”

You all but pull Ellie away from the both of them as she waves candidly, smiling and giving a confused look from yourself back to Steve.

“Smooth Steve, real smooth.”

Sam's voice breaks Steve’s attention away from your disappearing form and Steve turns to him, hands stuffed back in his pocket.

“What?”

“Didn’t ask for her number?” Sam raises an unexpected eye and Steve shrugs, sitting back down in his seat.

“Didn’t think she wanted me to ask.”

Sam snorts, shaking his head.

“Steve, considering how brilliant you are – you know jack shit when it comes to women.”

Tag List:  @ssweet-empowerment@capsofwinchesters@tacohead13@harleycativy@pietrotheavenger@francezka10@papichulosebastian@obsessionsofmynerdheart@melaninmarvel@avengedqueen26@nasteaxluvgal@winterbuttmunch@nys30@buckyslongasshair@ohlumi@wellthirsted @gifsbysimplysonia

[fingersinhisass]

bc carly @aldmerii humored me and answered all 60 questions of the oc question thing for shaelle, i’m gonna do it for al as well even tho literally no one asked so. here goes!

1. WHAT IS YOUR CHARACTER’S BIGGEST FEAR?

having his friends, people he’s grown to trust and care for, discover all the bad shit he did in the past and basically breaking all ties with him. he’s terrified they’ll think he’s a monster bc well. he thinks he’s a monster sometimes too

2. WHAT IS YOUR CHARACTER’S FAVORITE MEMORY?

it’s not one specific memory exactly, more like. a mix of lots of memories. in the summer he used to play outside all day with the other kids who lived in his neighborhood (very poor, pretty decrepit houses, mostly dust and dying grass) and like. those were some of the best times for him? because he was still too young to care that their family didn’t have enough money to send him to school, or that all of his clothes were hand-me-downs with at least one tear that had been fixed, or that his mother’s face was worn with wrinkles that would better suit someone much older than she was. so he’d play pretend with these kids in his neighborhood, and go on “adventures” and kick around pebbles and wrestle in the dirt, and then he’d come back home to his mother calling him, and she’d wash his face and feet and hands gently and tuck him into bed and he’d fall asleep under the heat to the sound of her soft voice and the insects buzzing in the grass.

3. WHAT IS YOUR CHARACTER’S LEAST FAVORITE MEMORY?

he’s got plenty to pick from, so i don’t think there’s one specific worst. but the gazes of people he willfully hurt, potentially even killed, really haunt him. he tries not to think about the stuff he did when he was younger.

4. DOES ANYONE HAVE A CRUSH ON YOUR CHARACTER? IS YOUR CHARACTER AWARE OF THIS?

my beautiful girl shaelle do,,,, and also this one demon dude they helped once. can’t remember his name bc he’s a pretty irrelevant npc. he was aware of that crush, but he has no fucking clue shaelle likes him

5: DESCRIBE YOUR CHARACTER’S DREAM DATE.

oh man. anything romantic that would make his date happy. it’s cliche, but he’s fond of long walks and candlelit dinners. he’s an exceptionally hopeless romantic.

6: WHAT IS YOUR CHARACTER’S SEXUAL ORIENTATION?

lol what’s that????? al likes a lot of people he’s not picky. he’s actually kinda lowkey a ho. 

7: HOW DOES YOUR CHARACTER FEEL ABOUT THEIR NAME?

my boi gots lotsa names. his birth name makes him nostalgic, but he doesn’t really attach it to himself anymore -- the only person who can call him that is his mother. the name he used when he was a thief he absolutely despises. he still twitches if he hears it spoken, regardless of if it’s pointed towards him or not. he picked the name he has now himself, so he likes it quite a bit thank you very much. it makes him feel like a distinguished human gentleman. he’s a fucking doof.

8: DOES YOUR CHARACTER HATE ANYONE? WHY?

al is not someone who hates easily. he trusts easily (too stupid to learn from his past mistakes, he’d remark bitterly, but really it’s because he’s an idealist by nature and wants to believe people are inherently good). he doesn’t respond well to betrayal. at all. he accidentally punched a dude to death once for betraying the group. to be fair, the dude was really fucking old, and he only had one hit point left and failed all his death saves so like. not really al’s fault. you woulda done it too if you were in the same situation

9: HOW DOES YOUR CHARACTER FEEL ABOUT RELIGION?

neither of his parents are very religious, and he wasn’t raised religious either, so it doesn’t really matter to him all that much

10. WOULD YOUR CHARACTER EVER KILL SOMEONE?

yes, but only if he felt it was justified and there were no better options. he is strongly against killing people who he feels don’t deserve it, but there are some people he would kill without hesitation solely because he believes their death will benefit many others. he’s got. complicated morals.

11: HOW DID YOUR CHARACTER MEET THEIR BEST FRIEND?

he met borem when they were assigned to be partners. they’re both detectives. although not sure how long that friendship is gonna last now...............

12: HOW WOULD/DOES YOUR CHARACTER FEEL ABOUT ROLLER COASTERS?

terrified. hates heights. don’t make him do this.

13: WHAT WOULD YOUR CHARACTER DIE FOR?

people he loves. easy.

14: WHAT IS THE CUTEST THING YOUR CHARACTER HAS EVER DONE?

when is my boy not cute, honestly???? idk, i can’t pin down a specific instance. but he’s like. super blushy and awkward around people he’s romantically attracted to, and that’s incredibly adorable. he took shaelle to the prison where her brother was being held so they could see each other again after ten years, and that was also very sweet

15: WHAT MUSIC GENRE WOULD YOUR CHARACTER LISTEN TO?

fuck, idk. he strikes me as the kind of person to just listen to whatever’s on. he doesn’t have a very developed taste in music

16: WHAT OTHER FICTIONAL CHARACTERS REMIND YOU OF YOUR CHARACTER?

jeez. probably gumshoe from ace attorney? mostly because they’re both good good detective boys just trying to do their best and i love both of them desperately.

17: DOES YOUR CHARACTER HAVE ANY IRRATIONAL FEARS?

heights!!! he hates heights!!!!! which is funny bc his acrobatics score is insane.

18: HOW WOULD YOUR CHARACTER FEEL ABOUT HAVING THEIR LIFE RECORDED?

it would make him supremely uncomfortable. he may be very social, but when it comes to his home life he’s intensely private.

19: WHAT IS YOUR CHARACTER’S DEEPEST, DARKEST SECRET?

he gots lotsa those. he’s stolen very important things that resulted in the detriment of others, he’s tortured and killed people, he’s aided in drug trafficking and human trafficking -- with children. which is when he quit, because he couldn’t stand that. he hates watching children suffer.

20: WHAT IS THE MOST SURPRISING THING ABOUT YOUR CHARACTER?

he’s actually a really good detective. not because he’s smart, though -- he’s desperately determined to better society, and he’s also just very, very lucky.

21: IS YOUR CHARACTER FLEXIBLE?

oh my god, yeah. listen, my baby got 18 dex, +7 to acrobatics. he is EXTREMELY flexible. wink wink

22: WHAT IS THE WORST THING YOUR CHARACTER HAS EVER DONE?

oops i kinda answered this one already. i’m not gonna go into detail bc i kinda just don’t want to?? listen he’s done bad things he regrets

23: IS YOUR CHARACTER MORALLY GRAY OR BLACK OR WHITE?

hmm. he generally does things with good in mind, and usually he does it in a way that’s not so bad. but sometimes he twists the rules a little bit in a way that’s. ehh?? he’s not entirely against using violence to better things.

24: WHAT PREJUDICES DOES YOUR CHARACTER HAVE?

he’s generally not a fan of rich people or the ruling class. ofc he’s got a huge crush on shaelle, but like. she’s the exception

25: WOULD YOU WANT TO HANG OUT WITH YOUR CHARACTER?

no bc he’s devastatingly handsome and i’d be terrified.

26: WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE HEADCANON FOR YOUR CHARACTER?

him whistle real good. he likes to whistle and sing like. all the time. when he’s just idly doing things at home he does it without even realizing it and he’s a little off-key sometimes but he can carry a tune

27: WHAT WOULD BE THE WORST WAY FOR YOUR CHARACTER TO DIE?

at the hands of a friend, probably

28: WHAT PET WOULD YOUR CHARACTER LIKE TO HAVE?

for a while he had some sort of ferret weasel thing? idk if nj is gonna let me say he’s still got it tho lmao

29: WHAT WOULD BE YOUR CHARACTER’S FAVORITE FOOD?

his mom’s recipe for fresh-baked bread. real white bread was a fucking luxurious treat when he was growing up and so whenever his mom would make a small loaf of it, maybe like once or twice a year, it was always so special to him

30: WOULD YOUR CHARACTER HAVE ANY HOBBIES?

he likes to read, especially adventure or romance novels lmao

31: WHAT SOCIAL MEDIA WOULD YOUR CHARACTER USE?

i can see him on twitter??? he’d have no idea how to use it though

32: WHAT DOES YOUR CHARACTER LOOK LIKE?

him real hansom. angular features, high cheekbones, tan skin, very fair hair and silver eyes bc he’s a sun elf. long, long eyelashes that are darker than his hair, thick eyebrows. thin build, 5′10, long nose. i’m lov my boy.

33: IN WHAT WAYS IS YOUR CHARACTER LIKE YOU?

he’s loud, goofy, occasionally pretty snarky, expresses emotions like happiness, excitement, and anger very easily, but feels weak showing sadness and tries to suppress it. fails. head over heels for shaelle.

34: WHAT IS CLICHE ABOUT YOUR CHARACTER?

so many of my characters are pretty boys. so many. also he’s a lovable idiot

35: WHAT IS UNIQUE ABOUT YOUR CHARACTER?

i made him myself n he’s got a big ol’ heart.

36: DOES ANYONE WANT TO HARM YOUR CHARACTER?

there are a lot of people who would kill him immediately if they knew where he was and that he wasn’t dead. he has a lot of enemies.

37: DO PEOPLE HAVE JUSTIFIED GRUDGES AGAINST YOUR CHARACTER?

probably. he speaks his mind a lot and can kind of be an asshole sometimes 

38: WHAT ROLE DOES YOUR CHARACTER PLAY IN THEIR STORY?

he’s there to take everyone to fantasy jcpenny

39: WHAT WOULD BE YOUR CHARACTER’S NICHE ON TUMBLR?

historical fashion blogs and poetry all the way

40: WHAT WOULD BE YOUR CHARACTER’S FAVORITE SCHOOL SUBJECT?

creative writing or some sort of music class. he like both.

41: WOULD YOUR CHARACTER WANT TO HAVE ANY CHILDREN?

YES!!!!! he loves kids. LOVES them. his entire life he’s wanted to be a dad. eventually he’s gonna get married to shaelle and they’re gonna have lotsa babies, but currently he hasn’t had the time to meet anyone or settle down and he’s worried he never will.

42: WHAT WOULD BE YOUR CHARACTER’S DREAM CAREER?

he’s doin’ it. basically he just wants to help people however he can and make up for all the bad things he did for so long

43: WHAT IS YOUR CHARACTER INSECURE ABOUT?

his social class. especially around shaelle. he definitely thinks he is absolutely not worth her time, and the subject of poverty or the social hierarchy in serin ilyan really touches a nerve for him. he also just really, really wants people to like him. 

44: WHAT IS YOUR CHARACTER PROUD OF?

all the good work he’s done as a detective. he’s (surprisingly) solved a lot of cases, and he feels a sense of accomplishment and justice for doing it. like maybe he can start to sleep a little easier knowing he hasn’t just hurt people all his life.

45: WHAT WOULD YOUR CHARACTER CHANGE ABOUT THEMSELVES?

his past. he’d go back and do something different, try to actually work hard and make honest money instead of getting involved in what he did

46: WOULD YOU WANT TO TRADE PLACES WITH YOUR CHARACTER?

hell no. i love him to bits and i’d love to be a really handsome elf man, but like. my boy has way too much guilt that i wouldn’t want to live with.

47: WHAT FANDOMS WOULD YOUR CHARACTER BE IN?

al isn’t cool enough to like things like that. plus he’d be very confused by fandom culture i think

48: HOW WOULD YOUR CHARACTER TYPE?

hunt and peck, capitalized first letter but nothing else, punctuation when he sees fit

49: HOW DOES YOUR CHARACTER STAND POLITICALLY?

he doesn’t know what, but he knows SOMETHING needs to be done about the poverty in his city. other than that he tends to look at the smaller scale of helping people

50: WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOUR CHARACTER?

he messes up a lot but he never stops trying?? he has a lot of determination and things he believes in and i love him for that. i love him for trying so hard to be good.

51: WHAT IS YOUR CHARACTER’S FAVORITE ANIMAL?

he likes mice, mostly because they were easy to find when he was a kid and he always caught them and tried to train them, but then felt bad and let them go like an hour later

52: HOW WOULD YOUR CHARACTER ACT IN GYM CLASS?

he’s not super strong but he is crazy flexible. probably not a ton of stamina and although he looks like he’s got the body for it he’s not that great at running. he’s just really fucking good at climbing and doing flips and shit. he’s always one of the last people out during dodgeball just bc he’s so good at dodging. he can move FAST.

53: WHAT CLUBS WOULD YOUR CHARACTER JOIN?

he probably wouldn’t join any clubs bc high school is around the time he started down the path of Bad Shit so he definitely wasn’t spending any time hanging around the school if he didn’t have to

54: WHAT IS THE SADDEST THING ABOUT YOUR CHARACTER’S LIFE?

he doesn’t realize that people are complicated and that good people are capable of and do bad things sometimes. he’s not a monster for the mistakes he made in the past. he’s genuinely good, he’s doing his best, and people love him and care about him and he needs to know that.

55: WOULD YOUR CHARACTER DO THE ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE?

hm, this question sure dates the original post... yeah he absolutely would. he likes doing dumb things like that, especially if they’re for a good cause. he’s a goof.

56: WHAT’S ONE OF YOUR CHARACTER’S QUIRKS?

he’s very fidgety. he doesn’t even notice it but he’s really not good at staying still

57: HOW WOULD YOUR CHARACTER FEEL ABOUT FEMINISM?

i think he wouldn’t understand the complexities of it, but in general he would absolutely be for it. inequality pisses him off.

58: IS YOUR CHARACTER DORKY OR MORE ATHLETIC?

he’s an absolute dork. 100%.

59: WHAT IS YOUR LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOUR CHARACTER?

a lot of the time i worry he’s too contrived and tragic or that i play him out of character or that he’s just like. way too dramatic in general.

60: IF YOU COULD TITLE YOUR CHARACTER’S LIFE, WHAT WOULD YOU TITLE IT?

The Good Boy: Please, Folks, He’s Doing His Best

[artificialqueens]

I'll explain later part two (Biadore) -Burgundy

AN: I hadn’t planned on doing a part two but there was just a voice in my mind saying “what did Adore do tho?” so here we are. This is going to have a part three but I don’t know if there’ll be anything beyond that. Sorry this one is a bit shorter.

This one isn’t as bad in warnings, since it is pretty fluffy morning after kinda stuff. tw for blood, past violet, and cursing

Hope you enjoy! xx <3

Adore anxiously tapped her fingers against the warm coffee mug, wanting to get lost in the steam that was coming from it. Bianca quietly stood at the stove, not quite sure if she was waiting for Adore to say something or for herself to do anything. She decided to push all of her attention towards the blueberry pancakes that weren’t necessary, but the mix was already in a cupboard and Adore loved pancakes. Bianca remembered the first time Adore had stayed the night when Bianca woke up, Adore was covered in batter with two small pancakes on a plate in front of her.

And now Adore was silent, scabs already formed on her face with irritation to the skin very visible. Bianca was worried that the wounds were going to get infected, but it didn’t seem that the younger cared, and hadn’t even said how she had ended up covered in blood at her doorstep. Speculations had coursed through the older’s mind, but she didn’t want to make any assumptions. Once the last pancake was done, Bianca separated them onto two plates and placed one in front of Adore with syrup already on the table. She smiled cautiously, waiting for praise about her cooking.

“Fuck, B,” Adore softly moaned as she took a bite, “I should come over more often.”

Just maybe not when you’re covered in blood, Bianca’s mind said, and she’s sure her eyes showed her discomfort because Adore quickly recovered.

“Well maybe if I plan ahead first, bring some clothes and shit, remember I have a bright pink duffle?” her words came out rushed in with each other, not liking the silence that fell when she stopped talking. It was choking her and she wasn’t sure the last time she could breathe properly.

“When do you ever plan for anything?” Bianca retorted, making Adore giggle and that was pretty much Bianca’s entire goal for that morning. The question had truth to it, considering that Adore never planned what she was going to do. She was terrible about doing things at the last minute, and also doing a lot of things based on impulse.

“Not everyone can have every aspect of their life together,” Adore rolled her eyes, a small smile still on her face and Bianca wondered if this was the same person that was in her bed last night. Every movement at least seemed a little more relaxed, her arms weren’t rigid and her legs weren’t shaking. The green had returned to her eyes for the most part.

“I don’t have everything together,” the older pursed her lips, thinking for a moment about her comeback, Adore’s eyes taunting her, “I don’t even have anyone that lives with me.”

“You can totally have everything together and still be single!” Adore said, taking another bite of her pancakes rather aggressively, “I mean, it is kinda weird you’re not with anyone considering you’re an old lady, but,” she smirked and shrugged her shoulders, watching Bianca take a sip of her coffee.

“I am not that old,” Bianca couldn’t drop the smile on her face, even when she caught glimpses of the scabs that Adore kept turning her head to hide. She knew that eventually Adore wouldn’t be able to keep what happened in, and Adore was going to spill. The thing that wasn’t certain was when, taking into consideration Adore’s guilty conscience but also how stubborn she could be.

Adore was happy with the silence that came over them again, proud of herself for making it comfortable. Her pancakes were falling apart on her plate from how much she had drenched them in syrup, but they tasted sweet and Bianca really outdid herself. Maybe that was a metaphor for her current situation. Who cares? Adore didn’t feel like getting all philosophical at the dining table, so she let the thought escape her mind as her eyes went back to Bianca. Her face was obviously tired and she wondered who had gotten more sleep out of the two of them. It could’ve been Adore, but Bianca shouldn’t have had any trouble sleeping considering this was all Adore’s problem.

But then again, she was the one who showed up to Bianca’s house with the problem.

She had always felt her reliance on Bianca was going to eventually cause major complications later on, if Bianca ever got a husband or if Adore ever got a boyfriend or girlfriend. Adore always expected Bianca to marry before Adore was to get with someone for real because people always seemed to want Adore for hookups and that was it. Maybe it was her fault for hanging around the club scene. Maybe it was her fault for not putting herself out in the dating community.

Her mind started to go to the night before, and the club she was just outside when everything had went down. She quickly shut that thought process down, not in the mood for a breakdown while eating pancakes. She knew she had to tell someone, as her conscience was eating her alive about it. Breakfast was not the time for it, she decided, pushing her plate away from her after her final bite. Bianca took the plate and her own to the sink, leaving them to wash later.

“So, I know this probably isn’t the right time to do this,” Bianca started. Adore’s mind started screaming, knowing what came next. Don’t you dare, Adore’s mind warned, don’t you fucking dare say it.

“Shoot,” Adore tried to hide the fear that had been brought up once the words left Bianca’s mouth. She’d never been this anxious in her life and she was afraid she was going to pass out.

“Do you mind telling me what happened last night?” Bianca asked, and Adore shuddered, and she wasn’t exactly able to think of an appropriate response. How the fuck was Bianca staying so calm? Did she know what happened? No, because then she would be freaking out. Or maybe she was just that good of an actress.

“Can we not do it in the kitchen?” Adore asked, feeling her stomach flip as Bianca hesitated for a minute. A silence fell over them for longer than Adore’s heart could take, beating so hard against her ribs she wondered if she could die from this. Maybe she wanted to die from this. There was one night where she had a panic attack and everyone kept asking her if she was okay and all she could reply with was “party”. That definitely came to mind as being a response to whatever Bianca would say next.

“Listen, I’m going to lunch with some friends today,” Bianca started, and Adore felt a weird mixture of warm and cold flood her body, “when I get back, I’ll make dinner, open a bottle of wine and we can talk?”

That did sound like an ideal situation, to Adore at least, and for some reason Adore’s brain hadn’t even processed the thought that Bianca could have places to be that day. She had completely thought she could have Bianca to herself for the day, small cuddles and braided hair and red wine. She realized it was just a fantasy, and it never seemed to be true. However, she wasn’t going to complain that Bianca was a functioning member of society with places and friends to see. Bianca looked at her expectantly, and Adore couldn’t muster up a response better than her autopilot could.

“Party,” which made Bianca have a weak smile and a soft chuckle and Adore’s heart fluttered with fear and a little bit of relief. Adore nodded a small goodbye to let Bianca leave to get dressed for the day, and Adore couldn’t think of any reason why she wasn’t allowed to sit in her pajamas all day. She could lie in Bianca’s bed all day and maybe eat something and sleep if her mind would shut up for a minute.

“Are you going to be alright on your own?” this made Adore both laugh and feel offended. She wasn’t a kid, but also she was pretty useless on her own.

“Maybe,” Adore responded, and with that Bianca was on her way to her bedroom, grabbing an outfit casual enough for that day. Adore sighed heavily, her anxiety not being able to make up its mind about whether or not this was a good idea.

[awakeindeath]

Back To Work

"Hey Mom," I said into my phone as I walked out of the back door of my home. The night air was cool enough to give me goosebumps and send a shiver up my back. It didn't help that my arms were soaked up to the elbow.  It was fall, the leaves were well into changing, with half paper bag brown and the rest still bright green.  I lived out of family's old farm. The barn and house still stood but the farmland had long ago been sold to some large corporation. We were surrounded by open fields that spread out to the horizon, with other homes and buildings barely visible as shadows in the distance. The corn had been harvested a few weeks ago, leaving only the refuse of dried stalks and brown dirt. We were far away from the city, a mile or so from my closest neighbor. The sky was clear and the night was bright with stars and the moon, enough so that I cast a shadow as I stood. My roommate, Alice sat in a lawn chair next to the unlit fire pit, a cigarette held loose in her lips and a can of beer on the grass next to her. She looked like a poster girl for hot redneck. Light brown hair, sun-dark skin, John Deere hat, NASCAR shirt, torn jean shorts, and worn cowboy boots. She sat spread out like a languid spider, without a single muscle in her body working to hold her up. She didn't look up as I came outside. Just kept staring at the cold, charred logs of last night's bonfire.

"Leo is missing." My mom's voice was tired. Normally, those sorts of statements carried some kind of fear or worry. But my mom sounded resigned.

"Leo?" I asked.

"Your sister's boyfriend," Mom said.

"Her boyfriend is a douche" Alice muttered, life starting to come into her as she began reactivating.

"Shut up Alice," I growled as I flopped into the chair next to her.

"Gonna have to clean that up." Alice pointed to the mess I was leaving on the chair.

"Still got that going on, huh?" Mom asked.

"Got what?"

"That Alice thing."

"It's not a thing. She's just my roommate."

"Bullshit, you need to take of that. Get rid of her. For good this time."

"Mom. Missing Boyfriend." I had to cut her off. She would go on and on and on forever about how Alice was unhealthy for me. She was probably right, but I couldn’t abandon Alice. She’d been with me too long.

"Oh. Yeah. Your sister went home from the shelter last night and found her house was torn up. Like another fight happened. Leo was nowhere to be seen."

"Well, that's a good thing isn't it?"

"I think it's a good thing," Alice said as she sat up and stretched, arms reaching for the sky.

"The police are looking around and talking to people, but they have no idea what happened to him," Mom said.

"Well, I mean, that sucks. Anything I can do?" I sat in the chair next to Alice and took the cigarette out of her mouth, put it to my lips and drew in a long breath.

"You've already done enough. I just wanted to let you know what is going on." Mom's breathing paused for a moment before going on. "I'm not going to ask about what you're doing. I just want you to stay out of town for a bit. Ok? Don't come in and complicate things. Just… stay safe. Ok?"

"I will mom. Don't worry," I said into the phone, eyes cast down to watch droplets fall from my hand to splatter on the concrete. The wind seemed to get colder, like an undetectable breeze shot into my bones. Mom knew. She at least suspected. I looked up at Alice, who met my gaze with her own gold brown eyes

"Ok, I love you."

"I love you too Mom."

"How long do you think she's known about us?" Alice asked as I hung up. Ugh. My phone was covered. I tossed it onto the chair next to me and ran my fingers through my hair.

"Don't worry. I'll shower tonight when we're done." I smirked at the grimace Alice shot me.

"So, you think the police are going to come around here?" Alice asked.

"I doubt it. I haven't talked to my sister in over a year, after all. No reason to think I had anything to do with her boyfriend disappearing." I stood up and walked back towards the house, Alice following silently behind me as walked back into the kitchen. The inside of the farmhouse was all wood and old linoleum. The white paint was peeling off the walls and every corner seemed to have a cobweb in it. My grandparents owned this house before they died. Granddad worked the fields and Grandma raised cows and chickens out in the red barn. It was idyllic, in a lot of ways. You could go outside and run and play and get dirty for hours on end. There was always something to discover, always something to find. They died and I moved in. Now dust covered most surfaces, the barn was half collapsed, and what land was left was almost entirely overgrown. The only parts of the house that remained in good repair where my bedroom and the basement.

I was heading to the basement now.

The door to the basement was heavy, reinforced wood. Heavy locks and a sliding bar on the outside kept everything nice and secure. Alice and I installed this door not long after I moved in.

"How does it feel?"  Alice asked as I pulled back the bar and opened the door. The stairs leading down were brightly lit concrete with snow-white walls leading down to a second door at the bottom. My steps rang in the tight space of the stairwell. Alice was silent behind me. When I reached the bottom, she put a hand on my shoulder, seemingly weightless but it stopped me in my tracks. "Hey. Answer me. How does it feel?"

"You know how it feels."

"Before, yeah. This is different. You've never done it like this before."

"I know. But, it still feels right. Like it's what needs to be done."

"You're actually enjoying it?" She sounded pleased.

"Yeah. I mean. Why shouldn't I?"

"You never had before. Not like this."

"It's different. I think. But maybe I just hadn't let myself explore. You remember what Mom said?"

"That you needed to expand your horizons." Alice laughed. "I think she meant so that you might finally get rid of me."

"I'm never getting rid of you."

"Damn straight." Alice laughed as I unlocked the door and pushed it open. The basement was a simple open room. When my grandparents owned the house, it had been a storage cellar. Stone walls, open floor, and a drain pipe that kept any leaking rain from collecting. Now that I lived here, the shelves and cabinets were long gone. Now the walls only had hooks and racks upon which I stored my larger tools. The only table was covered by my tools. Mostly different knives, hooks, power tools, and saws. Right now several of them were covered in blood. Cleaning them would be a pain later, it always was. For now, tho, the man strapped to the operating table in the middle of the room was what was all that mattered.

"Hello, Leo," I said as I stepped up to the surgical table. He was a big man, barely fit on my table. Over six feet tall and muscular in that powerlifter sort of way. Heavy muscle built up over layers. All power, no speed. He'd been on his way to being in the World's Strongest Man competition in a few years. Given that his arms were hanging from meat hooks over the drain, I doubted his chances. I checked the bandages on his shoulder stumps. Tourniquets were on tight, and the salt pack was keeping any small leaks from forming.  Leo groaned into the ball gag, by now he was starting to wake back up. He'd lost a lot of blood when I amputated his arms "I hope you're comfortable. Honestly, I've never had someone your size down here before."

"He looks pale still. You should give him more blood." Alice said, standing across the victim from me.

"You're right."  Changing the bag on the I.V. going into his neck took only a second. With the new blood going directly to his brain, Leo perked right back up and tried to struggle. But again, no arms. They never realize what that really means. Keep trying to flail around. I l laughed at the sight as I picked up a carpet knife and examined its edge. More for Leo’s sake than my own. My tools were always in the best repair.

“What’s next?” Alice asked, giddiness beginning to bubble up in her voice.

“I’m thinking legs,” I said slowly, drawing out the sounds. Leo looked around, trying to find who I was talking to.

"I see why your sister liked him. He's hot," Alice said.

"And stupid. And violent." I touched the taut skin on his naked thigh, my finger running down the indentation of the muscles. "You have a lot of muscle.  It's impressive."

"It's going to be a pain to cut through." Alice pointed out.

"Yeah. But I think it'll be worthwhile. A lot of good meat there."  I smiled up at her while Leo looked back and forth, trying to follow my gaze, to figure out who I was talking to. I leaned over him and pressed my knife into the flesh of his thigh... "Back to work."