#she was desperately unstable when she took him on! he couldn't be a little kid with her! same with doli lin and stormy!

[wordsgood]

loreleaf sees his parents killed at age 6 and stumbles through the next 15 years finding older guardians who are somewhat emotionally available but very much like "i am absolutely not your father/mother, please, i can't handle the responsibility of taking care of you" and obviously having them is better than not having them but also it kind of just sucks. and i think that tomi, when he's recovered from a century of imprisonment, looks at loreleaf, sees the small frightened little boy inside the young man who's grown up way too fast, and goes "i'm gonna parent that" and does not wait for an answer

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

hi, please call me yuna. this might be too long so i'm going to split this into 2 asks, i hope that's okay tw's: suicidal thoughts and attempt, general abuse, some detailed descriptions of physical abuse. i just want to vent out and i feel i'm in desperate need of advice. for some info i've been raised by a single dad since i was 14, turning 18 this sept. my dad was never really physically abusive, and he barely insulted my mom. but he had a really hard time regulating his emotions it seems and he couldn't express himself. he was very distant from both my mom and i. so she probably found someone better and left. with me, he was very emotionally unavailable and there was little affection between us, so i conclude my parents had an unhappy marriage. i don't know what caused him to be the volatile dad he is with me. we had eventual arguments and it started with a basic slap as 'discipline'. it escalated overtime. going to dragging me out of my room and beating me until i quite literally passed out. one of my worst memories consists of when he went a 'little too far' and had to take me to the hospital. he forced me to come up with a story where i was targeted by delinquents and how we were pressing charges which was absolute bs. nobody questioned this shit. not even my neighbours. not people who i considered friends. we're barely in contact w relatives. all of this happened during covid, so in complete isolation. all the worst memories took place during covid. i have very, very mixed emotions about him. i know he had a hard childhood, but in the end, he has never apologized for anything. but i think, all these years, he feels guilty, just doesn't know how to express it. like after hitting me, he'd cook for me, try to give me space, even when i fell sick (ironically, from his physical abuse) he took care of me, but he has not once directly apologized. so i can't help but feel it's all superficial. how else would he have the audacity to ask him how i'm feeling as i limped around the fucking house bruised and swollen bc of what HE did? thing is he has a perfect exterior. he earns well, has a great lifestyle and is respected by people. nobody will question him because how can a single dad that provides his kid so much comfort ever be abusive? will continue the rest in my next ask, please reply however comfortable.

His perfect exterior almost fooled me too. He'd try to make good of birthdays, compliment me on good grades, if i asked for something, he'd usually just provide it, but within a day or two i'd be back to being his punching bag. around 2020, i had a suicide attempt a day after he hurt me really badly. my memory around this is fuzzy. i vaguely recall looking at my bruised face and within a few seconds i stopped thinking rationally. i had been showing very visible signs of being in a highly unstable mental headspace, even vocally expressing suicidal thoughts, but it was always dismissed, obviously met with more abuse, and a simple "stop saying such things". he never took them seriously. i'm going to sound really crazy, but i'm glad i did try, or atleast attempt to kill myself, because i saw him express some genuine emotion for me for the first time in years during that. i wonder if i did that out of spite, or if i just had enough. in short, there were complications, he was never charged bc of red-tape procedures, CPS failed me due to 'lack' of evidence and i didn't admit anything nor did he (now that it think of it, i can't believe i never took pictures of the abuse.), and i ended up home again. i've been on meds since that. as for dad, he didn't change as much i thought he would. he didn't lay a hand on me for months, but he wasn't very emotionally supportive, even once asking me why i attempted. you'd think he'd change for his daughter's sake, but i don't think he ever will, fully. there was no all out abuse like there used to be after the attempt, but he still occasionally hit me. when i graduated HS, i told him i wanted to move out, which he did not oppose, this surprised me a lot bc i thought he'd try to hold me back. i'm not sure how to feel about this, and what it means. he texts me sometimes, trying to pretend to care. till date, there is no apology. no explanation for everything. i've been a straight A, well-behaved, and all of it was excused by 'you were troublesome and i simply disciplined you.' here's where i need the advice. even when i'm out now, i don't feel safe. even after my attempt, every time he spoke to me it felt like his fist was hitting my face again. every time he talks to me about remotely anything i feel as if he's driving his knee into my stomach again. i struggle a lot with some sensory issues. my face and head start to hurt, i'm all dizzy and there are sharp pains that run down my ribs and everything. i'm not sure what this is and wud like advice on it. but i suppose it could be depression/ptsd or wtv. i constantly think of cutting him off, but tbh, i'm very, very scared. i'm still scared of him. i'm scared that i stand to lose a chance at building a genuine relationship w him. i made very little friends throughout the years and pushed them all away. he's my only family & support system. i truly want to believe he's trying his best, but i just can't. it's like losing everything i know. even as i'm out of that house, i just can't get to sleep because of the constant nightmares and waking up randomly soaked in sweat. i think i feel very detached and numb from my emotions, i realize i can't express much, either. i fear i'm becoming like him, and i don't like it at all. to conclude, nobody around me currently knows of the abuse. anyone who does has excused it. i'm not suicidal now, but i don't know how long i can keep all of this bottled up, and who would even believe such a perfect man like my dad could do something so horrendous. i'm going to try my best to keep myself together. someone needed to know all of this, and i feel i can express it here. thank you for building such a safe place. i sincerely apologize for the long asks.

Hi yuna,

I'm so sorry about everything you've been through. Please know that none of this is your fault and it takes a lot of strength to come this far so you deserve to be proud of yourself. It can feel impossible to deal with an abusive parent, especially with experiences like yours, and it makes sense to have a complicated relationship with him because of that.

People who fail to acknowledge that your father is capable of abuse and has abused you obviously aren't seeing the full picture. It's not your fault if someone asks something so naive like how a single dad that provides his kid so much comfort could ever be abusive. The answer is complex because so is the situation.

i can honestly see why you were glad you attempted suicide, because it finally seemed to get the attention from your father that you haven't seen in years. But perhaps it's also worth reflecting on the fact that it seems to take a suicide attempt for your dad to show that he cares about you. You deserve so much better than that.

It's common as a survivor to worry that you'll become your abuser, but its important to remember that this worry is the exact reason why you won't. Experiencing normal trauma responses and PTSD symptoms such as feeling disconnected with your emotions doesn't necessarily mean you'll become abusive either.

Regarding the dizziness and pains, I'm not too sure what it could be and I ultimately recommend asking for the advice of a doctor and/or a mental health professional. It could be the way panic or anxiety physically manifests, and it could also be something more medically concerning, so getting a professional's opinion would be best.

Unfortunately it would be unlikely to be able to build a genuine relationship with him because even if it were entirely healthy, the reminders of his unaddressed abuse and the trauma that you live with as a result are inevitably going to remain at the back of your mind. As much as you deserve a healthy relationship with your father, you don't deserve to have any kind of relationship with an abusive father who has never taken accountability. Even if you continued to have some relationship with him, it would likely be superficial and surface level, which to some degree it already seems to be. It makes sense not to be comfortable being closer to someone who has hurt you so deeply and consistently, even if that person is your dad.

Please know that you're not alone, and we are here for you if you need anything. I hope I could help, and please take care.

-Bun

[silver-alter]

Also, Evangelion operates on your understanding that everything happening and everyone involved is fucked up, in one way or another.

On the "grooming" part... This misses the context that humanity is literally, figuratively, and conceptually(?) about to end. And the one shot there is at salvation resides on having the child soldier with every flavor of PTSD to sit on and pilot the mecha in which he has almost died multiple times. Oh, and he's having his 47th mental breakdown of the week.

So Misato, who at this point has been shot and is bleeding out and REALLY doesn't have the time to deal with much of anything, does the first thing that comes to mind to motivate an emotionally unstable teenager. She takes the boy she has been the guardian of for a good part of a year, who she has had to repeatedly scold and even force to get up and do the things he doesn't want to do(?)(How much time even passes from beginning to end?I forgot), and shuts him up with a kiss. AND IT IS FUCKED UP.

She knows it. He knows it. You know it.

Like, I cannot stress this enough. Misato never looked at Shinji as, at worst, more than an annoying brat and at best as a good kid that desperately needed help she couldn't provide. And her, an adult, kissing him and even promising "something better when he comes back" is sure to add another 5 layers of trauma and issues on Shinji, but that really matters little when the world's about to end.

Oh, and in the following couple of minutes everyone still dies anyway... (or whatever the fuck it is that happens to 99.9...% of humanity.)

Meanwhile, David took one look at Lucy and said "Mommy? <3" And Lucy was like "...Sure, why not."

Which is ALSO messed up, and Cyberpunk also kind of operates on that same premise of "everything is fucked up". But, at least with Edgerunners, there isn't the same level of introspection on those themes. Not like EVA did it.

OF COURSE it's more complex than that, sure. But these two were written to be a couple at the very least. It is the intended destination, whether it's delivery was good or not. There is no comparison to be made with the thing that happened with Misato and Shinji for all of 4 minutes. That someone would make the comparison at all means that they either didn't watch EVA at all, or that their level of media literacy is at the floor (for as much complicated that it would get on the philosophical and psychological aspects, EVA was very clear in showing that none of it was supposed to be average/healthy human behavior)

[kamyru]

Tsugaru taking care of his kids after MC dies (Scenario)

Trigger warning: Homicide, blood, depression, death, anger issues, grief

Summary: Tsugaru was living his best life, until a call from Noa returned him to the day he was ten years old. Though, at that time, he lost everything he had. Of course, his wife was his world. But he had to remember that for his kids, he was their world and they needed him.

Word counting: 3816

Tsugaru hummed and moved his hands up and down while walking in the hall. The echo of his whistle came back to his ears. It caught his attention, and he started to get louder and louder. The people who walked past him rolled their eyes. Some women still didn't stop trying to get his attention even after a wedding band appeared on his left ring finger. He got so caught in his activity that he nearly missed the call that rang for half a minute. A big smile formed on his face when "Noa" appeared on his screen.

"Dad… Can you come home right now? It's urgent," was everything his teen boy said.

Instantly, the hum stopped. The last time Tsugaru heard his son talking with such an emotionless voice was when he first met him. The Captain's heart beat faster, and his breath became unstable. It was worse than getting a call from the school or hearing him cry over the phone.

When Tsugaru saw someone from his department, he yelled a fast "I'll be out" and got his car keys. While driving, he tried his best to keep an eye on the road and contact MC. It was a battle in his mind about telling her or not that Noa had called. He knew that she had something to take care of and was supposed to be home later in the day. Tsugaru didn't get a call from her and thought she was still busy. After the third try, he gave up on this and concentrated on his road.

He saw Noa sitting in front of their house with his backpack near him. Tsugaru wanted to approach him, but when he was a few steps away, he saw traces of blood on his son's soles. That was when the dots started to connect inside his mind. But he didn't want this to happen. He couldn't let it happen. Not to him. Not again. Not to Noa.

Takaomi Tsugaru didn't remember how he stormed inside his own house. He had no idea what he destroyed on his way. But there was one thing that would always be in his memory. It was his wife's lifeless body lying on the floor of their kitchen. There was more blood than he could imagine someone so small had in them. He was a meter away, and his shoes were already irreversibly destroyed. But he didn't see it. He wouldn't see the bloodstains on the brown leather for months from then.

The moment a desperate scream left his lips and reverberated through the walls, Noa understood it was the right time to call his detective grandpa. Someone had to take his sister from kindergarten. But he was more than sure that it couldn't be his dad. He was afraid. He knew that a part of Tsugaru would die when he would see what happened. Though, the scream made him think that Tsugaru had lost it entirely. The person who took away the life of Little Hare was one of the few who killed two hares with a single bullet.

Unlike Tsugaru, Shirogane remembered every detail of his trip to Tsugaru's house. He already knew that something had happened after the Captain had disappeared. So, he didn't care too much about the traffic rules. He had to be there as soon as possible. After the detective had left the car, he saw the bloodlines on Noa's soles. He tried to take a deep breath and look as calm as ever. Though, hearing Tsugaru's screams and sobs made it impossible for him. Even his grandson sensed the shiver in the Chief's voice.

"Can you call the Ambulance and the Police?" he asked the boy while patting his head. Noa was already a middle school student. But Shirogane knew better than to think that his nerves were good enough to go through this without support. He also knew that Takaomi was too smitten to do this.

The Chief entered the house with small steps. He was afraid. He already went through something like this nearly thirty years ago. He didn't want to repeat the experience. Though, Shirogane had no idea that it was worse. Thirty years ago, his son wasn't lying in a puddle of blood while hugging his dead daughter-in-law. He was sure that even with the strength he had thirty years ago, he wouldn't be able to take Takaomi away from her.

With the softest touch, he moved Tsugaru's hair from his face. Little by little, he pushed his head away and got access to MC's thorax. He knew that it was useless, yet he still knelt into her blood while her husband's head was on her shoulder and tried to perform CPR. Every single move made his own heart beat faster. It was the doctor who made him stop. They were trying to take her away. Though, Tsugaru wasn't a kid anymore. His grip on her was tighter than a bear's. For a second, Shirogane thought about calling Momose. But the Chief's knees were soaked in blood, and he didn't have another pair of pants. Little Tsugaru finished her schedule at the kindergarten. He would need Momose later.

Shirogane and another three police officers hold the husband. It was breaking the Chief's heart to see his son like this. However, everything he could think about was Noa. He didn't have to see anything like this.

When MC was finally in the ambulance, Shirogane took Tsugaru by his collar. The younger man tried his best to run away and lie in his wife's blood again. It took Shirogane a punch and a cup of cold water to make him understand that the blood was a clue to finding the criminal.

After Tsugaru was finally harmless and more stable, Shirogane called Momose. The man waited for that call. He had been walking kilometers in the office.

"Momose. Can you take Usagi-chan from kindergarten and come to Tsugaru's and take Noa? But please, don't enter the house. The kids can't see anything like this."

Momose stopped. He leaned to sit on the desk but failed and hit the ground instead. Everyone's eyes were on him. Everyone heard how he whispered: "Is she dead?". And the entire office heard Shirogane's answer.

It was already an hour after the kindergarten was supposed to close. Momose's wife already got his son home. He regretted not asking her to take Usagi-chan when he saw Tsugaru running away from the office. Underneath the supervisor's smile was an angry expression that Momose caught but couldn't care less. He mimicked a smile and took Usagi-chan in his arms. The girl hugged him and started to laugh. Momose felt how guilt was spreading through his veins. With every giggle she let out, he was a step nearer to starting crying.

When he arrived in front of Tsugaru's, he had to fight the urge to enter the house. Noa's lack of expression helped him with this. The boy took his dad's friend's hand and entered the car. He was old enough to understand that he wouldn't see his father anytime soon. Seeing his sister made Noa's heart clench, and he finally started to cry. It wasn't a loud sobbing like Tsugaru's. He tried his best to muffle the sound as well as possible. Momose felt how tears formed in his eyes, and a few escaped and ran down his cheeks. But he had to drive them safely. So, he blinked a few times and looked at Noa through the rear mirror. Usagi-chan looked at them both, trying to understand what happened. Her fingers were playing with the hem of her skirt while her eyes ran from one man to another. When a little scream left her lips, everything around her stopped. Noa's tears didn't fall. Momose waited for the traffic lights to give him the right to move forward.

"I love you, Usagi-chan. And dad loves you too. Okay? Please, remember this," was everything Noa said before starting to caress his sister's hair.

While Momose tried to give his best and act as normal as possible for the kids, and Shirogane dealt with Tsugaru's grief, the office worked faster than ever. Though, everyone changed their controls on the auto-pilot. Kaga's and Ishigami's teams understood what happened before their Chief confirmed it. Without saying a single word, the Captains agreed on starting to investigate. However, little by little, every document that got in their hands and every key on their keyboard met their tears. It wasn't supposed to happen. Everything was wrong. How to go into the past and change things?

That was the same question that found its way into Shirogane's mind while he tried his best to toss his heavy son into the shower. He heard Tsugaru's body falling on the cold tiles. However, he couldn't bring himself to open the door that he was sure the man didn't care to lock. For the first time in hours, Shirogane let himself cry. Little by little, he slid down against the door to the bathroom. When his clueless wife arrived home, she was met by a heavy silence. At the same time, with every step, the gasps for the air from her husband became louder and louder.

"She is dead," were the only words Shirogane could say when he felt his wife's hands on his shoulder.

The woman immediately understood what had happened. The blood-soaked in her husband's clothes and the running shower from the other side of the door spoke clearer than any words.

"How is he?" she whispered through her sobs.

Shirogane's eyes closed forcefully, and he shook his head.

Momose's wife, Shirogane's wife, and Riko had to organize the entire funeral process. Ms. Momose had to bite her cheek to stop her sobs while she dressed Usagi in black clothes.

"Mom, why are you crying so much lately, and where is dad?" were the words that made the tears fall. Little Takaru, who was only four years old, tried to understand the situation. Usagi's eyes went from her best friend to his mother. She also tried to understand what had happened the last few days. Why hadn't she seen her parents? Why Noa had tears in his eyes? Why did Momose lock himself in his room? Where were her grandparents?

Noa knelt in front of the kids. He was also still a teenager who had no idea what would happen next. Yet, seeing his sister like this broke his heart.

"We will be alright. I promise," was everything the boy could whisper.

"When?" Usagi's voice broke, announcing an avalanche of tears.

"I don't know, Usagi-chan. I have no idea. But I hope it will be soon."

"What if it takes ages?"

These were the words that made Ms. Momose leave the room. She knew about Tsugaru's past from what her husband had told her. Baby Tsugaru said what everyone had on their mind. The girl was only five, yet she lost her mother due to murder and was on the verge of losing her father. She was too young for this. Everyone was too young for a tragedy like this.

When Tsugaru saw his daughter at the funerals, he fell to his knees. A sob that became a hysterical laugh combined with hiccups left his lips. Everyone's eyes were on him. MC's parents were on the verge of strangling him. What a husband he was? From the start, he had problems that their daughter didn't need. And now, he ignored his kids when they needed him the most and appeared at their daughter's funerals like this?

"From the moment you were born, I adored you because you are the carbon copy of your mother. Now I see that it's a curse."

MC's father, who tried to lift himself, froze. Slowly, his eyes averted towards his granddaughter. How could he forget that his daughter copy-pasted herself?

Only thanks to Noa, Usagi was saved from the others' stares and unexpected reactions.

"Do they hate me?" the girl asked while her brother pressed her against his chest and covered her eyes.

"No. They love you, and they love mom. That's why they act like this."

On her other side, her best friend Takaru held her little hand in his little hand. For months that would be the only warmth that Usagi would feel.

Shirogane decided to let his grandchildren take a little break from school. For an entire week, he tried his best to entertain the kids. Though, he didn't find how to answer their question about their father. Even Noa wanted to know what was happening with Tsugaru. The problem was that everyone did.

The Captain was working harder than ever. Shirogane tried his best to stop him. Yet, even the Chief wanted to see an end to Tsugaru's investigation. And that was the reason no one stopped three of the best teams in Public Safety from teaming up in a case that wasn't theirs.

When Tsugaru returned to the office with a furrow between his brows and stains of fresh blood on his light-colored suit, everyone's trance ended. Even Tsugaru understood that the revenge wasn't what he needed so badly.

"Are they dead?" Momose asked with a shivering voice. He was called by the other teams to come to the office. Just like his Captain, he wasn't in the right state of mind to continue working. Yet, when he heard that Tsugaru had found the monsters who killed Little Hare, he teleported himself to the office.

The Captain didn't answer. He took his things and disappeared again. Though, in less than a minute, both Ishigami's and Kaga's teams were ready to go. They worked hard to find out who killed MC. It took them to see Tsugaru covered in blood to understand that they probably committed more than one crime. But it wasn't the main problem. How could they be so blind and don't understand that Tsugaru had kids to take care of?

It didn't take them too long to find where the killers were. Their hearts started to beat faster. Goto was on the verge of throwing up because of the turmoil of feelings inside of him. Kaga was lighting a cigarette while chewing on some pressed tobacco. Ishigami's hand moved on its own to his rival's pack of cigarettes and took one between his teeth. The men they were looking for were unconscious, beaten, and tied up. No one knew if they had to be happy that such monsters were still alive or not. Of course, none of them would say a word about Tsugaru. But their fists were millimeters away from continuing what he had started.

Tsugaru had no idea what happened after he had left. He had no idea how many days had passed. He was lying on the floor, on the same spot MC was found dead. The bloodstains didn't disappear from the floor. Yet, little by little, his tears cleared a patch under him.

"I called you, but you didn't answer," a voice woke him up. When he opened an eye, an angel appeared in front of him. Tsugaru was happy that it wasn't his wife. "Dad, please, stand up."

It wasn't an angel. It was Noa. Or maybe he was Tsugaru's angel.

The Captain didn't say a word. However, he followed his son's advice and lifted himself from the ground.

"How is… Momose?"

"He is okay. After a few days, he was finally able to leave his room. He also called you. Now he is in the park with Takaru and Usagi. Are you sure you want to know about him and not..?"

But the angel couldn't finish his sentence. Instead, Tsugaru shut the door to his room.

Tsugaru was a great dad. Noa was happier than ever when Tsugaru and MC won his adoption case. For a few years, he was spoiled rotten. He hadn't told his parents, yet he knew they cried every time he called them "mom" and "dad". It took them a while to get used to this. When MC told her boys that she was pregnant, both started sobbing with happiness and tried to hug her tight enough to show their love but soft enough not to hurt her. Tsugaru was there when MC gave birth. He was also the first to notice the resemblance of baby Usagi with her mother. Tsugaru wasn't sad that his daughter was the carbon copy of his wife. He was more than happy. Also, he got the chance to choose the name. Having two Hares in his family made him ecstatic.

"Hello," was the only word Tsugaru could say to his best friend before his daughter heard his voice through the phone and stole it.

"Hi, dad! How are you? I miss you a lot. When will you take me home? Is Noa with you? I love you. Do you love me too? Noa says that you do. And I know it too. But I want you to tell me."

Tsugaru felt how his facial muscles contracted. He wanted to laugh. He would normally laugh. But he couldn't do it after his wife died. Tsugaru didn't have the right to feel happy after he hadn't protected his wife.

"I love you, Baby Hare. Can you pass the phone to Momose?"

The girl pouted. Tsugaru knew that she did. He knew her better than anyone, even her mother. Baby Hare was the blinding light that brought his life to an unknown amount of happiness. And now, she was what bugged him the most.

"Can you take care of her a little more?"

Momose hummed in response. His eyes fell on Takaru and Usagi, who walked beside him while holding hands. He patted them both on the head. The kids looked at him confused, yet smiled broadly.

"I can't do it, Momose. I can't. I failed as a husband. I'm failing as a father. I can't look at her. Have you ever seen how she smiles just like MC? What if she dies just like Little Hare? I don't deserve them. None of them. Will you..?"

But Tsugaru didn't continue. He was too afraid to say the words that were on his mind. Momose was such a great man and dad. His life wasn't as fucked up as Tsugaru's. Takaru and Usagi were best friends. Noa would go everywhere after his little sister. What if Momose took the kids? They would be happier and safer with him, wouldn't they?

The call ended before Tsugaru could comprehend what had happened. He heard movements from the other side of the door. At first, he was sure that his wife had come back. He was ready to run towards her and ask her where she had been for so long. Then he remembered that Noa was in the house too. For the first time from the moment he had discovered MC's lifeless body, he felt hungry. He had to cook for him and his son.

Throwing a package of ramen into the boiling water, he added some spices and two eggs. Tsugaru didn't see it, yet a few pieces from the shell fell into the water. Noa's teeth chewed the hard crumbles. He didn't say a word. Instead, he thanked his father for the delicious meal and made a mental note to try to cook by himself the next time. The only problem was that his sense of hunger didn't return. He would need to set reminders on his phone.

Somehow, after a month of cohabiting and less than a thousand words exchanged, Tsugaru and Noa made an unspoken agreement that the dad was responsible for the breakfast and the son for the dinner. The day when Noa opened his school bag and saw a bento in it, he let himself cry in front of his classmates for the first time. The rice was extra spicy, and the appetizers were coated with some chocolate mixed with fish oil. Yet, it was the best food Noa had from the day his mom died. Moreover, he knew that it was the right time to ask Tsugaru for a favor.

"Usagi," was everything he said when he entered the house.

Tsugaru dropped the box with the laundry.

"I talked to her a few minutes ago," the dad finally said.

"I want her back."

Tsugaru's hands froze against MC's favorite sweater. He hugged it against his chest. Noa approaches his dad silently.

"I remember when you tried to convince mom to throw this sweater away because it was already old and worn out. But she said that she wouldn't throw away a gift from us."

"I don't deserve you, or your sister, or your mom," Tsugaru hiccuped.

"Mom gifted her face and character to Usagi. Don't let this disappear. She is more important than everything that mom had left here."

Noa hugged his dad. On the floor, the bloodstains started to fade away. Later that day, Momose brought Usagi home. She hugged Takaru, thanked Momose, and ran toward her father. A few months ago, she would have jumped in his hands without hesitation. Yet, she stopped mid-way and looked at Tsugaru. The man patted her head and turned his back towards his daughter. It was just as hard as he had imagined. How would he look at his daughter when he let her mother die? Tsugaru deserved to be punished, feel MC's anger, and let her hit him. However, MC's eyes looked at him with pure adoration and love. His daughter loved him just as much as before. Why? He was a failure. He didn't deserve her. Yet, she was doing the same thing his wife did in the past. Usagi accepted her father just the way he was. She loved him unconditionally.

Tsugaru had to bite his lips every time he felt the urge to tell his daughter to go away, shut up, and not appear in front of his eyes. He couldn't take how MC looked so lovingly at him through Usagi's eyes even after what had happened.

Yet, when his eighteen-year-old daughter thanked him for being the best father at her valedictorian speech, Tsugaru knew it was worth it. Outside was raining, but the sun shone brighter than ever. A rainbow appeared in the sky.

"I bet if Usagi goes outside, the rainbow will end on her," Noa whispered in Tsugaru's ear to not disturb his sister's speech.

He didn't have to look at his dad to know that he needed a tissue.

"Do I really deserve you, kids?" Tsugaru whispered with his face in his hands.

Noa patted his father's back. He also told him to straighten up because Usagi was running toward him. It took all Tsugaru's fast reflexes to stand up and catch his baby in his hands.

Tsugaru was strong. He had to be. Otherwise, who would take care of his kids, right?

[where-theres-smoak-2]

Oh man I was scrambling trough tumblr tag and I saw this LB quote about Aleksander: "The Darkling is beautiful, I wanted to create a leader who was charismatic, appealing, a dictator you could imagine yourself following, an antagonist you couldn't just dismiss. [...] The Darkling is beautiful and broken and had a rough childhood, but he's also a brutal, manipulative monster with no regard for human life. He's dangerous because he's seductive, because he evokes sympathy.

…I just don’t even know when to start with this? Can she come off as anymore ignorant and offensive by trying to sound so woke. I mean “beautiful and broken”?! Are you kidding me?!

(Book Spoilers. Trigger Warning: Trauma and Mental Health)

Hmm well I'm not sure you could really sum it up as a 'rough childhood' more like a rough life filled with alot of trauma that has left him isolated and struggling to form human connections. Also I'm not sure I like the term monster for someone who is made the way they are through trauma and also the line about him having no regard for human life is just false he has lines he wont cross which is why he didn't harm the grisha children in book 3 and he was never going to because he values their lives. To be honest though I had some issues with the way LB dealt with trauma and mental health in the books. Not just with Aleks either but with Sergei too, actually I found the way she treated Sergei and his mental health in the last book rather appalling. Sergei is established as being severely traumatised by losing Marie to the point where he struggles to function properly. I think out of all the characters in the trilogy he's depicted as having the worst trauma, all the other characters have bad dreams and what not but Sergei really does find it debilitating and he struggles with day to day tasks like eating, sleeping and even just walking/travelling takes its toll on him. But Alina's attitude towards Sergei at times was troubling. To be clear though I'm not blaming the character for this as it was just the way she was written but she seems to consider Sergei weak and his mental health a hindrance. Here are some extracts from R&R the first is right after Sergei accidently revealed Genya's real name to Nikolai:

I shot to my feet. “What happened?”

“Sergei let her real name slip. He seems to be taking to heights about as well as he took to caves.” I released a growl of frustration. Genya had played a key role in the Darkling’s plot to depose the King. I’d tried to be patient with Sergei, but now he’d put her in danger and jeopardised our position with Nikolai.

Sergei was nowhere to be found. Probably a good thing, since I didn’t have time to give him the pummelling he deserved.

And like I understand that this must have been a frustrating situation but Alina knows that Sergei is struggling with his trauma and that he didn't mean to cause anyone any harm. I can understand her frustration but I really don't like the line about the 'pummelling he deserves'. I just don't like the suggestion that a person who is clearly suffering from a mental health issue deserves to be punished for making a mistake because of his trauma. Here's another instance where Alina is annoyed at Sergei:

Sergei had slowed us during our fight with the militia. He was unstable. I could apologise, offer useless words, but I didn’t know how to help him, and it didn’t change the fact that we were at war. Sergei had become a liability.

Again I get the frustration but again I have issues with the suggestion that because they are at war Sergei should just pull it together. Or even this image that's being painted that people who have mental health issues are just a burden on those around them. People in real life who suffer with similar mental health issues like depression and anxiety often worry about feeling like a burden to their loved ones so this could be really triggering for them. Then there is this from Baghra:

“We came to find you. What’s the matter with that boy?”

“He’s had a hard time of it,” I said, leading them away from the tank room.

“Who hasn’t?”

“He saw the girl he loved gutted by your son and held her while she died.”

“Suffering is cheap as clay and twice as common. What matters is what each man makes of it."

This one really troubled me because its like LB is saying that you can control your own trauma or decide how the trauma is going to effect you. It's again this suggestion that Sergei is weak because he struggled with his trauma more than others did. But the part that actually kind of disgusted me when I read it and I actually had to stop reading the book for a bit because of how much it upset me is how the characters talk about Sergei after his death. Alina had sent Sergei away because she felt he had become a liability and he then went back to the darkling and told them all the information he had on Alina and co. This move was obviously one born of his trauma and was made out of desperation. On several occasions Sergei has said he is struggling with feeling safe and no matter how hard he tries he never feels safe. Alina even tells us that Sergei had gone back to the darkling looking for reassurance and safety which really makes sense, this man grew up at the LP the one place where grisha could be safe, he grew up under the protection of the darkling. Then he chose to stand with Alina and went through the trauma and grief of losing the woman he loved horrifically in an attack against the LP which was his original safe place. He then never feels safe again so it would make sense for him to go back to what previously had made him feel safe, the LP and the Darkling. But this is what the other characters say about Sergei after he is killed by the darkling:

I sat beside him, unsure what to say. I remembered sitting like this with Sergei in the tank room, searching for words of comfort and failing. Had he been scheming then, manipulating me? His fear had certainly seemed real.

Abruptly, Zoya said, “I should have known Sergei couldn’t be trusted. He was always a weakling.”

Though that seemed unfair, I let it pass.

“Oncat never liked him,” Harshaw added.

Genya fed a branch to the fire. “Do you think he was planning it all along?”

“I’ve been wondering that,” I admitted. “I thought he’d be better once we got out of the White Cathedral and the tunnels, but he almost seemed worse, more anxious.”

Abruptly, Adrik snarled, “I’m glad Sergei’s dead. I’m just sorry I didn’t get to wring his neck myself.”

Steel is earned. Adrik had that steel, and so did Nadia. She’d proven it again in our flight from the Elbjen. A part of me had wondered what Tamar saw in her. But Nadia had been in some of the worst fighting at the Little Palace. She’d lost her best friend and the life she’d always known. Yet she hadn’t fallen apart like Sergei or chosen life underground like Maxim. Through all of it, she’d stayed steady.

And yes again I understand why they feel betrayed but they knew that Sergei was struggling and instead of understanding that Alina is accusing him of manipulating her and Zoya is saying he couldn't be trusted and that he was a weakling. To be honest it kind of reminds me of the way people talk about the darkling. Instead of recognising their trauma and trying to understand they jump straight to well they were a bad, untrustworthy person who was manipulating me.

Then there is the last part where Alina is thinking about how Adrik and Nadia are strong because although they faced trauma they were able to keep going and keep fighting but not Sergei, Sergei was crippled by his grief and his trauma and this means he was weak. Maybe its because I have struggled with crippling mental health issues myself where I couldn't even get out of bed let alone do anything else but I just found this implication that Sergei was weak really offensive to those who do struggle that way. People deal with trauma in different ways and whilst some people can fight through it and will just have a keep calm and carry on attitude others can't, others just fall apart, but that doesn't make them weak. I also don't think this 'just carry on and push through it' attitude towards mental health issues is necessarily a healthy message. If you need help then you should ask for it and be able to have access to it. LB could have used this as an opportunity to show a character who is severely traumatised getting support and help to work through his trauma and heal. But I feel like nobody really helped Sergei and any comfort or support he got seemed to be grudgingly given and there was more of an attitude of I'll try to help you because your issues are a hindrance to me than because any of the characters actually cared about him and wanted to help him.

Sergei and the Darkling were both characters that were 'beautiful and broken' but neither one of them was given the support or help they needed. Instead they were painted as either weak or as a monster. So what kind of message does this send to readers who also struggle with trauma and mental health conditions?

[p3kchan]

Summary: Taishiro toyomitsu grew up with his best friend (f / n) (l / n) with the same dream of becoming heroes, they fall in love and end up confessing their feelings, They continue with their relationship until the last year in Shiketsu where a (f / n) Something serious happens to her and he leaves the city for years, and then returns with the same feelings in his heart, waiting to be reciprocated again.

Clarification:

(F/n)= First name

(L/n)= Last name

English is not my first language, let me know if you see any errors in the text

Enjoy ! Happy weekend

♤ IN THIS PART ♤

Chapter 1: When I meet you.

How Taishirou and (f / n) met, kind of like a prologue, I was going to make it longer, but I decided it wasn't necessary for an introduction

[22 years ago] 5/10/ XXXX | 22:23 p.m

External narrator

-------------------------------------♤♤♤♤♤♤♤

- But mom! Why do we have to go? I do not want! Mom! No!

The anguish on the face of (f / n) mother's face, Lisa, was the only thing she could express right now, she had to understand it, she thought.

- (F / n) we have talked about this a long time ago, you have to accept it, we have to move to Japan, and I have already told you that it is not my choice!

- Mom!

splah

She had finally reached her limit of patience and hit her daughter in a desperate attempt to keep her calm, but only fear and shock were reflected in (f / n).

- Mom? .. what's going on? | (F / n) sister Kirai finally made her presence known after hearing the heartbreaking sound of the blow. Lisa just looked in horror at (f / n) who was whimpering on the ground.

---------------------------------------------------

Later that night Kirai sneaked up to (f / n) 's room in order to comfort her poor sister. She knew what was behind it.

- (f / n)… I know this is difficult, but we, no, our family is different, and ah born in a different place, we have to go back to Japan where they will stop persecuting us.

- I was happy here, I don't care about people.

- You will understand (f / n) we have to be strong

Finally, Kirai gives her sister a big hug, waiting for her to calm down for the next morning, the day of the flight, a goodbye to the place that although with difficulties she was able to call home, and make friends.

----------------------------------------------------

[Osaka] 18:45 p.m

The cold morning wind whips the pale face of (f / n); a large house of black wood and marble loomed over her, this was to be her new home, and that of her family.

- Well, well, we can start to take our things out of the packaging, who wants to help papa girls? Lucario says trying to raise the spirits of the girls.

(F / n) remained silent, still, and powerless behind her sister, Kirai does not want to sit idly by, raises her voice and pulls (f / n) from behind her back

- We ,dad!

- You don't understand right Kirai, what are we doing here? We promised to stay in America, become heroes and fix the world, stop running away, we just run away! I'm not going to do it! Judging her last word (f / n) she shoots out without looking back, in the background the worried words of Kirai, Lisa and Lucario are heard, but (f / n) she did not want to listen.

Exhausted after crying (f / n), she managed to reach a park that seemed lonely enough to drown her sorrows.

- Po-por-r-que-e! Because ah had to * sniff * be like that * snif * Heroes don't run away, save! I promised myself! How can I be a hero like this? * sniff * damn, heroes don't cry ...

- It's true little girl! Heroes don't cry! You are weak!

A group of 3 children got together and made a chorus around the poor heartbroken girl, all three wore the same clothes and were identical, he supposed they were spoiled triplets.

- I don't care what you tell me! Get out of here, you don't care what happens to me!

- And why would we care? (The middle boy spoke) We are going to be heroes, the best, so you better shut up making the idea filthy girl, we can't leave weak scum in our way, (I'm talking about the left) Yes! You filthy girl! We won't let you get in the way!

Despite the shock of (f / n) she still had her feet on the ground, and was not afraid of any of the children, she was born with a natural sense of justice and she was not going to back down.

- Do you really think that you are going to be heroes with that attitude? You only give pity to those who see you, a hero must protect and console civilians not try to frighten them, people like that disgust me a lot, you are worse than slag-!

* Shas * It was the second injury of (f / n) in the week, one of the children ended up exhausting his patience and attacked (f / n) with a quirk of blades.

- You will regret it damn! How dare you talk to us like that !? You will find out who we really are! * CLASH *

(F / n had a lot of courage, but his quirk was still very unstable and he did not know how to use it, he did not know what to do against the blades that were approaching his small body at a frightening speed.

- Watch out! | Something had gotten in the middle of (f / n) before the blades dragged his body.

- What-?!

- You're good? An amber-eyed blond boy had saved (f / n) she was stunned, the boy turned his head to (f / n) with a strong smile looking for answers, What (f / n) couldn't believe was that the blades had sunk into his plump body.

- Hey! Toyomitsu! Don't you dare get into this, that girl has a very long tongue!

- No matter what Kota said, I will not let you hurt her!

- Then ... you will go with her! Withdrawing the blade, and the three of them pounced on the boy who called himself "Toyomitsu"

The 4 traded blows, but by the advantage of Toyomitsu units it was starting to hurt. He no longer seemed to react well to blows.

- (What am I doing? This kid is risking his life to save me and I'm just standing here! MOVE! YOU'RE GOING TO BE A HERO! YOU HAVE TO BE A HERO! PROTECT!)

| Unable to bear the impotence any longer, (f / n) 's eyes now turned gray, forming a kind of mist.

- But- but what? Because I feel so heavy, huh! Wait ! Your!

- Thanks girl! If it hadn't been for you, I wouldn't have been able to win this, | (f / n) did not know how or when, but Toyomitsu had become completely skinny and a light although not very large dwarf from his fist.

* Splashhh *

The energy blow had set the children back considerably, they had minor injuries all over their bodies, they were all in their last years.

- Kai, Kota! Let's go from here! They are nuts!

Finally the triplets ended up leaving the park by legs, leaving an exhausted Toyomitsu and a stunned (f / n). Finally he turned and repeated.

- You're good? | He still had that contagious smile on his bruised face.

- I- I .. why did you save me?

- Eh? That! That ..that's it, * because that's what heroes do * | As if all the wires in the brain of (f / n) had been connected, he began to cry uncontrollably, remembering what his goal in life was.

- Hey! Do not Cry! It's okay! I'm fine! I always deal with those three, (He offered her his hand) I'll take you to my house so that my mother can heal us.

(F / n) I finally stop crying | Eh eh? She looked at him still shocked by the situation.

- Come on, I can't call myself my hero if I can't help a pretty girl like you, | As if he had just realized what he said, he immediately became nervous and began to ramble on how to get to his house, or how Mrs. Toyomitsu was going to look when she saw him.

- It's okay. | (f / n) He had the prettiest smile Toyomitsu had ever seen, immediately the blood started running down the young man's face, |

- Come on, it's going to get late… | He turned his back to hide his blush but still indicated that he should continue extending his hand towards her.

- (f / n) (l / n), call me (f / n) | With this he finally took her hand and they set out on a gentle path home.

-------------------------------♤♤♤♤♤♤♤♤♤

Let me know what you think in the comments!

[dapper-ships-herself]

@dokiqx @raudrfox2

The answer changes a bit depending on the s/i, so I'm gonna start with more general and like personal and then go into my s/is.

Dazai and I both, let's say wrestle with certain feelings about life and the world around us. When it feels like you're adrift and very little matters, it helps a great deal to have someone to ground you, and that's Dazai and I for each other. When the world is cruel, we can reach out our hands and feel the warmth, and through that feel safe and real. Neither of us are used to letting ourselves be fully vulnerable to the people around us, we're always masking something, maybe not for entirely the same reasons, but we are. Our relationship is when we both let those walls fall bit by bit, letting go of fear and trepidation. He never even thought he could feel real love before, both of us had thought we weren't worthy of it.

And Dazai is a genius, he's amazing and confident in his abilities, he can see straight through pretty much anyone, so I think why would he even want me, I'm so boring and predictable, I'm not a fan of taking risks and putting myself out there. But Dazai sees all my good qualities, he appreciates my strong empathy and my compassion, he sees how even though I struggle with my own worth I put so much worth into the lives around me, and I have a fun way of thinking about a lot of things, I'm creative bright even when I think I'm not. I become like a fresh, sunny spring day for his soul. And Dazai, his hands are so stained and his mind so jaded, even as he works to redeem himself and be on the side that saves people, he thinks there's too much darkness to ever truly be washed away. But I know that even though he's done a lot of bad, what matters most is what he's doing now; he's trying so hard to be good, to move away from the darkness that only acted as a negative feedback loop for him, that was never good for a boy with a mind like his. He is actively trying to be a good man, and I remind him of that. Neither of us are ever going to be perfect, but that's fine when we're together through our flaws. And through it all, we help each other see the beautiful things to live for.

Okay, now let's go into some specifics for the s/is.

ADA! Gillian has been through some pretty deep trauma with the loss of her little sister when they were kids, and at the time she thought she'd never ever recover from that and stay in the emotionless darkness forever, but with the help of Fukuzawa and Ranpo and the other agency members, she was able to heal. Despite the guilt and trauma that still sticks to her, how easy it would be to write the world off as simply cruel and uncaring, that's not her style. She loves the world, she loves the people in it, she knows that there's darkness but that only means that the rest of them should try their hardest to spread as much love and compassion as they can to balance that out. To Dazai, her unwavering light is strange but so calming. She's so strong in her determination to protect her family and everyone and everything that needs saving, it really touches something in him. She teaches him that it's okay, that they deserve to laugh and love and live, and she helps show him how to actively view the world for it's good parts. Even if someday it's hard, some days she's sad and can't forget the past, some days she tries very hard to push away the anger that festers in her at the unfairness that abounds, she still tries and now they can stand by each other's sides and try together. And he also knows what it's like to suffer and lose the one person who's most important, and he helps her confront the guilt that still clings to her, in fact that's something mutual. And she also, even though she accepts and appreciates her ability for how it lets her help people, it's also an ability that takes away a person's free will and can cause a lot of destruction, and she is afraid of the inherent evilness of it, and though Dazai respects how she's made the concious choice to only use it to help people, he sees her fear and helps her accept it.

Mafia! Gillian and Dazai probably have the most complicated relationship of all. Neither really wanted friends or saw the use of them, but they became each other's first real friend after he joins the mafia. They connect and resonate in a much stronger and more natural way than either were really prepared for; and then they were part of the quartet with Ango and Oda too, and she loved them all. She could be quoted as saying the three of them were probably the only things keeping her sane in the Port Mafia. And then she went away on a mission for a few weeks, no contact with her friends, and suddenly that little slice of joy she had was shattered, Oda was killed, Ango had been a double agent the whole time, and Dazai had abandoned her without so much as a good bye, much less and explanation. It sent her to a dark place for a while. She wanted to hate Dazai, and she certainly felt bitter, but she couldn't bring herself to hate him; how could she, really. She disliked being in the Port Mafia, but not only does she feel she'd have no where else to go, that if she left she'd be leaving her father, Ougai, aka the only person who's ever seen to genuinely want her around and stay that way, but her ability is literally to control darkness and too much light literally causes her pain and discomfort, it's clear to her that she was born to forever stay in the world of darkness and never be able to stand in the light. When she and Dazai eventually meet again four years after he left the mafia, there's a lot of complicated feelings too work through. She's bitter and angry and can't understand why he'd leave her like that if their friendship really meant anything; Dazai thought it was the right move at the time, he justified it to himself by reasoning that he knew she felt chained to the mafia and he had to leave quickly and cleanly in order to successfully rid himself of his dark past, he couldn't risk waiting for her to come back from her mission and having to convince her. But, really, he was afraid. After all, he's convinced that everything he desires will slip through his fingers the moment he obtains it. If he tried to hold on to the happiness she brought him and selfishly took her with him, he'd only bring her ruin some other way, and he wasn't deserving of her. He genuinely does regret it though, and it's not easy for him to admit that he was wrong but he knows that this is one instance where he was so terribly wrong. They have to work through these feelings in order to get anywhere, and she also has to realize that she does have the capability to step into the light, which she does partially with Dazai's help. There's a lot of fighting through the bullshit to finally be together.

Jekyll! Gillian takes the stuff mentioned earlier about always masking some part of ourselves to the extreme. Her ability, Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, literally manifests her jaded view of the world into a physical creature of chaos, aka Hyde. And she rejects Hyde hardcore, that's why she's so unstable, destructive, and difficult to control, as well as hates her in return. She puts on the sugariest of sweet faces to try and mask this darkness, but Dazai is able to see it. He recognizes her mask easily, because he's basically doing the exact same thing. Eventually, after a lot of plot haha, they're able to help each other let go of their facades a bit and better accept themselves for who they are. They find this kinship in each other that honestly makes it easier for them to let go of their guards at least a little bit. They both hold a lot of jaded darkness with themselves, and they've both done some pretty terrible things and dirtied their hands, him in the mafia and her in the Order of the Clocktower, and they were both able to break away from that to try and become better people, and that's really nice for them to be able to relate to each other.

Circus! Gillian is, true to the name of her troupe the Circus of the Disillusioned, disillusioned about much of the world. It's dirty and cruel and not on your side. But, the circus always promoted family, the whole reason Voltaire formed the troupe was to attempt to not lay there and accept their wretched fate, that they as humans should try and create at least small pockets of a world more right and colorful. And this ideal stays with her. So yeah, they're both not huge fans of the world, but she has a more innate desire to change that, and she believes it's the duty of humans to fight through and not back away from the world through means like suicide (does that make sense? Trying to word it properly). So she actually is pretty, hm, disgusted is too strong of a word to use, she clashes a lot with Dazai's suicidal jokes. And she's too tsundere and jaded herself to outright be all flowery ~I will help you~, but that sort of discussion is a theme between them early on. Their abilities are foils for each other as well, Dazai is an ability nullifier, she's an ability amplifier, and that sort of reflects their views too.

Guild! Gillian at first seems to have the most innocent view of the world, after all she's rich and spoiled by her father, Francis. And she acts rather carefree too, like someone who's always been secure and never known difficulty. But she has known pain, and there's more than a naive rich girl beneath the surface. She's cunning and knows how to read people, she's been trained in the art of business since she was a child and had it drilled into her that you must never roll over for the world. She's also been taught that she's the daughter of the great Fitzgerald, which means she's meant for greatness too, and she hides it from her father but that's left her with a desperation to prove herself and live up to a great big shadow. But she's genuinely kind too, she loves the world for it's flaws and wants to support the people in it. So yeah, they're ways of thinking clash a bit, but at the same time they work perfectly in other aspects. At first, it's more like he's interested in her for the sort of contradictions she poses, but he starts to genuinely respect her and admire how she chooses to see kindness and work for it, how she takes things in to her own hands to make the world she sees in her mind real. And she respects him for his intellect and eventually for his resolve once she learns of his past. And respect is pretty much the bud that will bloom into love.

There's a lot of fighting to find the light in the dark and acceptance of ourselves.

I hope this was all coherent and not to rambly ha.