#she is like the closest thing 2 an equal. in a sense and it's SOOOO BLASPHEMOUS 2 HIM

[snakpple]

i just think god should be sillayyyyy and slightly unhinged OK

[whiskeyswifty]

I see your opinion on Rep the album and it’s very interesting! You made some great points there. It was a necessary album tho it had a very important message to deliver in that stage of her career (getting hold of that narrative) but i mostly admire the Tour of all things in that era, what’s your opinion on the Rep Tour?

that's probably a huge driving force of it, the kanye drama for sure. i will say some of it began to take shape before that all though, like i think so it goes was written in some early form at least while she was at the gillette tour stop for the 1989 tour. something crazy like that, i can't remember the exact details tho. so even though that's what rep became, it wasn't entirely the impetus of that shift into dance pop or the only driving force of the album. as much as i want to blame it as "oh her little side project to get herself through that time in her life" i'm like ehhh that wasn't all it was about. it does make me wonder though what TS6 would have been had the kanye phone call shit not happened. less about the sound, which i think was something she already had been set on. but more like when you take away that vengeful component and the chip on her shoulder, what would it have looked like in the bigger picture? my gut is to say Lover is picking up where 1989 left off, but that's not entirely it either. lover was sooooo bright as a reaction to the darkness of rep, so idk! its fun to ponder.

my opinion on the rep tour is kind of moot cuz i didn't go lol. i had great tickets, for what would have been the saturday new york one, which i think ironically was a rain show. buuuuuut i not only hated the album but also the fandom culture at that time was not for me and i sold them, for something around face value i think, if not a little less than i bought them for (demand was not high for that tour in general, but also a lot of fans got face value tickets over scalpers cuz of that points system, rip). swifties have many harmless faults that i can overlook or ignore, but there's a self righteous streak in many that was on another level during rep. self righteousness really rubs me the wrong way, just a personal thing. and i get it, there was a defensiveness and sense of blind loyalty in the face of her public, digital stoning due to how as much as taylor was attacked, swifties felt equally attacked. turning inward towards community in times of turmoil, etc etc i get it, no judgment. i just don't ride for celebrities like that and if swifties have ever been borderline culty, that was the closest it ever got. no judgement again, it's a harmless, and totally voluntary, cult for the most part, just not the vibe for me. so the LAST place i wanted to be, listening to music i mostly dislike, was surrounded by swifties on a self righteous high for 2 hours in the middle of new jersey.

i did try to watch it on netflix, but fast forwarded through 85% of it tbh cuz of the songs i don't like and also....... ugh hot take incoming probably gonna regret this but.... that tour was not The Look for me iykwim. not that that's the only reason anyone can enjoy a tour but if i also don't like the songs? wtf am i there for if she doesn't look hot to me. like in photos sure! but in motion, it's a hard pass. comes back to the try-hard thing again, i am physically squirming with embarrassment when someone is very obviously trying to be sexy, especially in a choreographed way that isn't coming naturally to them. for me, someone is sexy when they're comfortably confident, doing something they're just naturally vibing with or good at, and it exudes from them without them realizing it because they're relaxed, not showing off, and totally at ease. people talk all the time about the dress performance and i'm just like..... this is just.... not..... it for me, sorry to say. maybe when she dips the mic stand i guess? but it's just soooo theatrical and choreographed i'm like no thanks. i also didn't love a lot of the tour costumes ajdlkfjadfkj sorry! everything looked so cheap, although i didn't see it from afar so i can't judge how well it worked in that regard. i thought the like oversized army jacket thing with patches was cool, the black long thing with silver spikes on the shoulders and the belt was cool, and the opening silhouette of the hood was cool, but i'm a bodysuit hater. laaaaazy and boring imo. i get it you need mobility but be creative!!! it was also very dark and i'm anti-dark tour costumes unless they contrast against verrrrrry bright backgrounds in very color block-y ways.

i'm glad you loved it and so many people have incredibly fond and formative memories of it or of being there so i'm glad you are one of them!! I'm just not one of those people, but i don't feel like given my taste, that i personally missed out on much lol.

[p-redux]

From Anon...

Anon, you must be new, not paid attention very well, or are just trolling, but anyone who has followed me KNOWS I’ve posted extensively about Tony because I had a source who knew Tony’s family growing up near Glasgow.

Why is Tony McGill praiseworthy? Click on Keep Reading to find out...

Anon, the fact that Cait MARRIED Tony should be good enough. Period. End of. Full Stop. A 40 year old woman like Cait, who is beautiful, successful, talented, rich, charitable, loved by family, friends and fans alike CHOOSING to SPEND THE REST OF HER LIFE with Tony doesn’t give you any clue that he must be equally great?

If THAT’S not sufficient, then let me give you a few more reasons why Tony is praiseworthy. I first based my opinion of Tony on what my Tony family source told me 5 years ago. She said Tony was “charming and hysterically funny.” We know Cait has a great sense of humor, so it’s no surprise that she would find that attractive in a man. Here are a couple of Tony’s friends also speaking to how funny he is (and how gorgeous). 👇

Barry “Baz” Fratelli ☝ is one of the members of “The Fratellis” the famous Scottish band Tony managed for years. 

That leads me to the next thing worthy of praise–Tony not only managed bands, but he and his brother, Joe, formed a music production company called Numb Music, which is still in business. AND Tony is college educated and graduated with a Bachelor of Science degree WITH Honors. So, besides being funny, he’s intelligent. 👇

Tony is praiseworthy because, besides the above, he’s owned 2 successful, bars/live music venues in Islington, London called The Library and The Reading Room. I don’t know if he’s still running them or sold them, but back in the day, they were packed. Around Valentine’s Day 2015, Cait made a special trip to London during the opening of the second bar, The Reading Room to support Tony and posted about it publicly. 👇 Notice her play on words “Absence makes the heart grow fonder,” since this was before Tony had moved from London back to Glasgow to live with Cait while she filmed Outlander. A man whose woman flies from Los Angeles (that’s where Cait was at the time) to London to be there for the launching of one of his businesses is praiseworthy.

Tony is praiseworthy because he is accepted by Cait’s closest friends. He’s part of her “family” of friends. That’s says A LOT. 👇

Tony is praiseworthy because he’s even nice to strangers. Below are previously posted DM’s from someone I know who was at one of the events Cait and Tony attended. This is her description of Tony’s interactions with her, and with Cait. 👇

Tony is praiseworthy because he supports Cait, spends quality time with her, traveling, going to events with her, and they look HAPPY together. (Credit to the respective owners of the pictures) 👇

Tony is praiseworthy because he gave Cait beautiful diamond and sapphire engagement and wedding rings, which are classic and timeless. I can’t imagine he didn’t pick the sapphires to match Cait’s blue eyes. Going with the combo of diamonds and sapphires is verra romantic. The lad done good! 👇

Tony is praiseworthy because Cait acknowledged him publicly in her acceptance speech and kissed him for all to see. 👇

I repeat, the biggest reason Tony is praiseworthy is because the one and only Caitriona Mary Balfe thinks he is and that’s why she MARRIED him. If that’s not good enough for some, then that’s their problem. Cait’s TRUE fans support her AND Tony. Simple as that.

Soooo, if a college educated with honors, successful manager and business man, with a sexy Scottish accent, who spends as much time as possible with the love of his life isn’t praiseworthy, then I don’t know what to tell you, Anon. And for the record, most people who are actually in REAL relationships don’t slobber all over each other in public like a bunch of teenagers. I don’t know why I keep having to explain the obvious, but there it is...again. I think Cait is a lucky lass...and she obviously knows that, that’s why she let him put a ring (or two) on it and made it official for life. 

Extreme Shippers wanted Cait to settle down with her hot Scot...joke’s on them...Cait DID settle down with her hot Scot, his name is Anthony McGill. If you don’t find Tony attractive, again, that’s YOUR problem. I think he’s incredibly sexy: dark, thick, wavy hair, bedroom eyes, full lips, and that Scottish accent...mmmmm. But I’ll try to behave myself since he’s spoken for. ;-)

Hope your “ignorance” has dissipated, Anon. Consider yourself schooled. 

[piesforjack]

there's a lot of back and forth with this where Kent was both Jack's first and closest best friend and also Bitty was the first person he was romantically in love with and yet even with Bitty jack wasn't really aware of how he felt till last minute. Considering it is already hard enough to differ romantic/platonic love when one is highly emotionally intelligent and Jack isn't by a long shot and Jack has been an unreliable narrator before its still hard to know just what the relationship was.

"You know when it’s the last summer of your childhood and you’re just hanging with your bro and you’re smoothing out his cowlick and you fondly call him Kenny while trying not to think about how mercilessly cruel fate is lol you know bros being bros" the same as "I didn't even know we were dating" Camilia

––reflect how the artist views Parse, which is sympathetically. Not to mention in her notes, she frames their summer fling as being emotionally significant to not just Parse, but also Jack. The scene that you point out of Jack telling Bitty about his exes shows a skewed narrative bias in that either Bitty, because he dislikes K, minimizes his importance to Jack (thru the meta narrative of the comic) OR (sorry these are long, i don't mean to be contrary) (2)

(srsly sorry for spamming ur inbox) OR Jack has compartmentalized and reduced the emotional remembrance of his relationship with K to cope with both his NDE and his abusive relationship with K. I say all that to say I completely agree that a relationship between Jack and K*nt is VERY unhealthy, but that Jack's own feelings towards K have been downplayed because K will still have a significant narrative impact. (3)

Again sorry for spamming ur inbox with these. I do agree with most of your post!! And this #confirmed isn't the last we've seen of K*nt. (4)

idk when you sent all the messages (not even sure if the first on IS your original message anyway????) but i’m JUST seeing these now. ANYWAY.

so like. i see what you’re trying to say here, but i still gotta like. push back against this a bit. 

“in her notes, she frames their summer fling as being emotionally significant to not just Parse, but also Jack” 

The scene that you point out of Jack telling Bitty about his exes shows a skewed narrative bias in that either Bitty, because he dislikes K, minimizes his importance to Jack (thru the meta narrative of the comic)

obviously we know bitty is an unreliable narrator, and ngozi has made it clear that what jack and p*rse had was significant in some ways (first sexual partner, i can assume, first boy he ever kissed we assume, lots of firsts and lots of fumbling weird teenager-y beginnings etc), but it’s definitely not as significant as the scale people pretend it to be. the thing that i think is the biggest difference is that, for jack? what he had with k*nt and camilla was equal (but different.) hear me out:

we know jack and p*rse were best friends and that jack cared for him deeply at the time, but this direct parallel of “didn’t even know we were dating” camilla and “it really wasn’t more than anything physical” k*nt narratively illustrates that jack views these situations as separate but equal. jack was never in love with p*rse. we can assume (i mean we know but for arguments sake lets say it’s meta) he didn’t love camilla either. both relationships were purely physical and/or loosely resembled dating from the other persons perspective (ie. not from jack’s POV). from that we can gather that jack never considered these to be romantic relationships, even if he felt fondly of k*nt or enjoyed spending time with camilla. jack’s disconnect between romance and friendship vs how he views things with bitty is everything you need to know. 

(this isn’t me comparing the relationships, bc one was obviously unhealthy and not even a defined romantic relationship, whereas the other is a committed exclusive partnership--rather this is an exemplar of jack’s interpretation of both relationships as separate and unequal in terms of quality and definition) 

Considering it is already hard enough to differ romantic/platonic love when one is highly emotionally intelligent and Jack isn't by a long shot and Jack has been an unreliable narrator before its still hard to know just what the relationship was.

ok i would argue heavily with the sentiment that jack isn’t highly emotionally intelligent because he’s proven time and time again that while he isn’t perfect he’s more aware than people like to believe he is. the ability to control emotions is a huge component of this particular intelligence, even more so than the expression of emotions. for example, we all know people who are emotionally sporadic, they go from happy to sad to angry to guilty all in the span of a 10 minute window. these people, though emotionally expressive and (usually) empathetic to a fault, they don’t exhibit high emotional intelligence. jack has shown over and over again that, while he can be unthinkingly insensitive and a bit cold, he’s very in tune with other peoples emotions, which is why his rudeness to bitty was so shocking and hurtful--he knows how to cut to the quick, he knows what buttons to press, how to hurt people in specific and painful ways (“it was a lucky shot”) but on the other side of that coin he also knows how to be supportive and attentive to peoples needs (pep talks and hanging around with the haus boys, all of whom are emotional and expressive, and shitty, my lord, his best friend shitty, if that doesn’t prove how not robotic and emotionally devoid jack is then idk what could.) that combined with the fact that jack is so firmly in control of his emotional expressiveness (especially including the fact that he has a history of mental illness) shows incredible resilience and deep understanding of his mental and emotional processes (ie. jack knows jack best) 

((also i can already hear the “um but he didn’t realize he liked bitty until like tHe LaSt SeCoNd!!!” argument and i know i know!!!!! but i believe his ~realization~ moment was more him understanding that letting go of bitty was something he didn’t want to/have to do. i think he already knew he was sweet on bitty and that he liked him more than he allowed himself to believe. but i think his dad/gretzsky pep talk gave him the nudge, the final push to see it clearly, more of a realization of “you don’t have to leave and wonder what could’ve been, you can have all this and heaven too. you’ll never know if you never try.))

so to say that jack is essentially too blind to emotional intelligence to know the difference between his relationship with k*nt and a romantic relationship...a touch absurd and wholly inaccurate.

OR Jack has compartmentalized and reduced the emotional remembrance of his relationship with K to cope with both his NDE and his abusive relationship with K.

this, for me, is a bit of a reach. ofc this is valid and very real, it could happen, trauma does awful things to people. however, i feel like pulling this as the reason he brushes off his not-relationship with k*nt greatly undermines the fact that jack has gone through so much. he’s had years to think about and discuss these things through therapy and rehab. i think to say that p*rse is so inexplicably linked to jack’s NDE that jack compartmentalized or repressed the actuality of that relationship is...inaccurate, given the context we have.

yes, jack cut k*nt out of his life before or after the OD, and so we can assume there was some connection there between the two events (OD and cutting k*nt out) HOWEVER, i think it greatly over-simplifies this trauma. to think that jack would come away from a NDE and thusly cope by cutting k*nt out seems to imply that k*nt wasn’t actualized as abusive until post-NDE, which makes very little sense when we look at the canonical timeline and the emotional and mental vulnerability jack would be in after trauma like that. alternatively, if jack cut k*nt out of his life pre NDE, it’s even LESS likely to be associated as one unifying repression (i speak only from my own experiences with trauma, i feel like that’s important to say) simply because that implies jack’s OD was in relation or as a result of that action.

i’m guess what i’m saying for this point is: yes it’s possible but i don’t think that’s what happened, if only because both scenarios are too p*rse centric and would revolve around p*rse to the point that it minimizes jack’s illness and trauma, which are both huge focal points surrounding jack’s OD.

I say all that to say I completely agree that a relationship between Jack and K*nt is VERY unhealthy, but that Jack's own feelings towards K have been downplayed because K will still have a significant narrative impact.

i have to disagree again. do i think k*nt is an antagonist? absolutely! but so is southern homophobia, bitty’s procrastination, and the entire nhl organization. so. yes, i’m sure k*nt will play a role in the playing out of yr 4, but i have to stress this again: this is bitty’s story. p*rse, no matter how much we link him to jack and jack’s history and jack’s narrative, will ALWAYS BE a background or side plot storyline to whatever is prevalent in BITTY’S world. that’s as a result of an unreliable narrator and also the fact that, unless p*rse begins to overlap into bitty’s life more than he has in the past, we’ll only see the peripheral view of him (which can’t be told through unreliable narration as it’s told through that of the author (ngozi) rather than bitty bc obviously bits isn’t omnipotent lol)

i’m sorry this is soooo fuckin long, it’s also super late/early? so i’m sorry if it doesn’t make 100% coherent sense, i had no intentions of writing this much but alas! it got away from me.

thanks for your thoughts, i hope i’m making any sense in here xx

[moreracquetball]

what are some of your favorite things to write? in general, but also dialogue vs description and why,, also (though im sure you've been asked this before) which are your fav songs from the marvin trilogy & why? :0

Ahhh, i love love love love this ask a lot!!

My favorite thing to write is probs anaphoras (I think that’s what they’re called?) Here’s an example of what I mean from my Whizzvin College AU:

And Whizzer wants to go back to how things were before—when it was just fun, with mouths pressed against inner thighs and secret glances when out with friends and arguing for the sake of getting the other to take his pants off.

But no, no, no, Whizzer wants to go back to how things were before even that—when they hated each other and it seemed like it would always stay that way, with mouths shooting off snappy retorts and pointed glares when out with friends and arguing just for the sake of hearing themselves talk.

Whizzer wishes that Marvin had never kissed him that day. He wishes that he himself could have been smart and kind enough to not kiss Marvin back.

Anyone who’s ever read one (1) fic of mine knows that I like to use repetition of phrases and sentence/paragraph parallels. I just love how it makes the prose really flow with a rhythm, you know???

I really like description (esp bc then I can use metaphors and imagery and try to make pretty prose that just ends up sounding like purple prose when I read it back), but I think I’m wayyy better and more well-practiced at writing dialogue. My dialogue is never really choppy (maybe a little over-flowy at times but it’s usually p okay) and I feel like my descriptions (of another character, of the setting, of the narrator’s feelings, etc) is a hit or miss a lot of the times, so I’m more comfortable writing dialogue.

My favorite songs from the Marvin trilogy, you ask????

In Trousers:

1. My Chance to Survive the Night

It’s the most pivotal moment of the entire musical and the peak of Marvin’s character arc. After spending the entirety of the story having a sexuality crisis (wondering over whether he liked guys, whether he liked girls and guys, whether he liked girls at all in hindsight), Marvin finally accepts his homosexuality and commits to his true identity and literally says “that’s it for girls.” The music is also very jazzy and slow (compared to the majority of In Trousers songs, which have very fast melodies), and I just really loved Chip Zien’s voice here in particular. Esp at the very end, when he just lets it all go and starts belting it out, my heart skips a beat. It’s my favorite song of In Trousers.

2. A Breakfast Over Sugar

I love the exploration of Marvin and Trina’s relationship pre-divorce. Esp after knowing in hindsight how they react/treat to one another in the later sequels (obviously, I had listened to Falsettos before In Trousers and only knew of Marvin and Trina’s relationship in that sense as bitter exes), this song just brings a lot of context and depth to their relationship and past. It shows Trina’s desperation and willingness to play house and be unhappy, and it shows Marvin’s growth of character as he is through playing this charade and wants something real in his life - even if he has to give up all that he had ever known. The duet is also written very realistically and uniquely (it sounds more like free-flowing dialogue than lyrics to a song, if that makes sense??), and the slow piano just - ughhh, KILLS ME. Wow i ranted a bit sorry about that.

3. Another Sleepless Night

It’s one of the songs that gives pretty equal attention to all four of the characters and not just Marvin, which i really like. It also shows how Marvin has affected each of the women in his life even after years of separation and just how selfish Marvin has really been throughout his life and how much he has taken from these women. I’m also obsessed with the lines “I know this girl. I call her my wife. She is my wife. She is my thorn in the bushes. No happy endings and no fuss. What a girl, what a saint, what a wife ain’t is my wife. So I sleep in a bed too big for one person. I’m big for one person. But this bed is bigger than both of us.”

March of the Falsettos

1. This Had Better Come to a Stop

First of all??? Just the music in general is??? A full-fledged banger??? But even aside from the scarily catchy melody, I love how much it adds to the story by demonstrating like a “typical” day in their lives and how they all bitch and accuse and heart-break over one another. It shows Marvin’s selfishness and meanness, and it shows Trina’s anger and heartbreak, and it shows Whizzer’s frustration and helpless, and it shows Mendel breaking through the barriers of this tight-knit family and wedging himself in there, and it shows Jason in the background of it all, watching with wide, disappointed eyes. It also has the parallels between Whizzer and Trina (the whole “I met this man today…” and trying to make Marvin jealous; as well as the shared look of pain and the soft “this is all very neat”), which I am 100% HERE FOR OMG. And it has the blessed line: “AND STILL THE BASTARD DIVORCED ME.”

2. I Never Wanted To Love You

I could actually talk about this song for approximately 100,000 hours, so I’ll try to keep it short. For one, it’s right after the most climatic scene of the musical (”Marvin Hits Trina”), which makes the song all the more devastating. Mainly, love it because it shows 1) the complex nature of all these characters’ relationships/dynamics with one another (all of which have been driving the whole plot and theme) and 2) It’s the beginning of Marvin’s redemption arc and him confessing his wrong-doings and the root of his insecurities. I love the slow, melancholic melody and the harmonies and the lyrics, and it’s just - really really really powerful.

3. I’m Breaking Down

It’s def my fave solo of the Act 1 AT THE VERY LEAST. It’s just so hilarious and Stephanie J. Block KILLS IT OH MY L O R D and I love Trina a lot and it’s just one of the more light-hearted songs that never fails to hype me up and make me smile

Falsetto Land

1. A Day in Falsettoland

It’s just so pure and happy and I love the little piano bit. Mendel is esp hilarious in the first part (and it’s the closest that he’s ever come to a solo soooo i love it lots) and Trina is i c o n i c and the lesbians are sooo cute (Tracie KILLS IT ESP - OHHHHHHH HER “DO YOU KNOOOWWWW HOW GREAT MY LIFE IS?”) and it shows how Marvin and Whizzer’s relationship has matured and grown stable and less toxic and they all tell me that “everything will be alright” and every single time, I almost believe them.

2. Year of the Child

I just really love the melody and the choreography and vocals. Marvin and Trina are like so very cute in this song bc it shows how much they both adore Jason, and Mendel is such an icon, and it’s the introduction of the lesbians next door!! What more could you ask for????

3. What Would I Do?

Honestly I can’t even talk about how much I adore this one - how often I binge-listen to it and feel my heart sink and swell - how all the layers and melancholy and references and harmonies and just everything about it can move me to tears. It’s so so so so so good and so so so so important and I could write 10k words dissecting the lyrics and context and overall meaning and purpose, but for now i’m just going to shut up.

[theroadfromustome]

Mile 76

Ok, at the office ostensibly to work, and God knows I need the money, but I feel like I need to take a little bit of time to sift through a whole heap of shit that has happened. And, as I cannot afford or schedule therapy right now, I need to get this out and mull it over somehow.

Ok soooo since I last wrote...

J came to visit. (This was just over a month ago.) We took a day and bashed around my part of town; played games, it felt more like we were investing in what I wanted to do. He was also sensitive, considerate, and we didn’t really have much time where his health or other factors tanked the conversation or invoked dead air. Very promising. I did show him my bedroom, in all its glory, and I fear I pushed intimacy there too far. Exceedingly foolish on my part. He was sweet and went along, and enjoyed himself I’m sure, but in hind sight--that was a NO. He says he’s following my lead wrt sex, but I wonder if he really wants to go that far. I get the sense that sexual enjoyment is something he wants to provide as a gift/service, and he thinks well enough of me to want to do so. He was also affectionate and moderately cuddly, more so than he has been before. He met my mom, and gets points for being sweet and charming to her. (He knows where stepdad is btw, but I was not brave enough to tell him why.) He also offered that we invite her to dinner so she not feel left out--points there. But ALSO, the discussion about it was nice and co-conspiratory and felt good--we were partners in crime making this decision. That was nice, and not the only time such had happened that day. And, when I got too intimate in the bedroom and cried, he held me and listened. An infinitely good man. But I’m still not sure he considers me precious enough to build something long term--he cares for me I know, he’s attracted to me of course, but am I precious to him?  Unknown. I know this: we did not end up taking mom to dinner, and while there had as open a conversation as we ever have. I tried to explain to him that when he stops actively pursuing it confuses and unsettles me; that the radio silence is really bad for my anxiety. He showed me a glimpse of his broken heart, talked about his breakup with his previous lady, and took my hands and said, in the most tender heartfelt of voices “I want to do right by you.” Perhaps the closest thing to a legit declaration I have ever gotten from him, bc he is so careful and reserved. It was amazingly touching, and I thought, good, this is a directive, something to go on. He really REALLY has the best of hearts. But THEN...he didn’t pursue that. His job is eating him alive right now I know. But there has been weeks of almost entirely radio silence--to his credit he has made some small convo which I know is him making an effort, and a mark of affection. He has finally resolved to get out of this abusive job, which is great. And perhaps on the other side of that he could be able to be available to me in the way I need, even on a slow burn. The trouble is that in that radio silence and disconnect...

P stepped in. P, who I thought just wanted to be friends. P, who I have said in the past feels far safer than J, for whom I haven’t (until nowish) had to tell myself to lower the stakes with. P, who I have raced forward with at a rate that is incredibly foolish in the course of about a month. So he’s got some neuroatypicalities and trauma, I think, from past negative experiences. He uses words like “frigid” and “robotic,” and has hangups about physical stuff. So he was giving me mixed signals bc he wasn’t sure if he had the courage to pursue anything romantic with me. But, when pressed, he was most complimentary and we messaged until 4AM. We set up a proper date, in which he taught me self defense, and I taught him swing dance. He is a natural and brilliant and supportive teacher. I’m not exactly kicking butt any time soon, but he makes me feel like I could, make me feel as though I could be capable of more than I realized; hence the list of ambitions. That partnership--that being able to glance across the dance frame or over the punching mat he is holding for me and look into his eyes and know that he is just *there* for me...that is...so good for me. SO good. He is a consummate partner, and I fear I am coming to rely on him too much. He understands and upholds my need to feel equal; engages in trades (music for music, combat for swing, massages for... other things). He makes a ridiculous amount of money, so when he spends on me it is one time when it simply cannot be equal. I begin to worry about other things too. He went away with his dad to a conference in Finland for a week and wrote me the loveliest letters every day while away. He was back for three days (which evenings we spent together and I even was able to sleepover the last and he made me breakfast...) and then is now in NY for a week with his family. He can’t write as much there bc it is family time, and I fully get that. My life continues and feels humdrum here--esp bc I’m not really working at Job #1 bc I’d hoped to be working in promotion at Job #2 by now. But more on that below... He’s being so active and outdoorsy, telling me how amazing his cousins are...and he’s not *here* I guess, to reassure me in person... For whatever reason, I’m drowning in feelings of inadequacy, and I fear, for the first time, that an expiration date has been created here. We agreed initially ‘one day at a time,’ but both had trouble keeping to that. We have trips already planned two months out (he’s taking me to NYC to see Hamilton!!!!), and talk long term all the time. Let’s remember folks, we have been romantic only A MONTH. Another good occasion for this gif:

But he seems to feel the same depth of emotion (impetuous though it is) that I do, that feeling of safety and ultimate support. Could this be a chance (down’ the road) for an unconditional love relationship with a romantic partner? Could such a thing exist for me? I worry bc he is so inherently capable; a genius and regimented; he owns a house, cooks, works out regularly, keeps himself to a diet, is a great planner, not to mention the combat; he’s a natural at swing and most anything else he puts his mind to. He’s also crazy smart, eloquent and witty; well-versed, well-read, and his baggage is not as incommodious as mine. I hate the idea of lying to him (a good sign!) and so I told him (where I was not brave enough to tell J) about stepdad and that situation. I feel for the first time (in an Austenian sense) how tainted I am by association. Most people (say, his excellent family) cannot stomach that sort of a thing in any sense, nor wish to connect themselves. He says he is not bothered, but it makes me angry and sick to think about it. Blegh. Just another of those bits of baggage I bring which make me so difficult to be with--the child and the legal marital status being others, among many... So far I have felt decently comfortable being myself and not feeling like I have to change for him (that bbaaaaaaad instinct). But lately I have felt as though I need to start working out or I cannot keep to his standard. It is not that I don’t want to be active, and I know the benefits, but working out as rigorously as he does is not something that feels like it comes from me; rather something I feel I must do for him. And the instant I start feeling like I have to behave a certain way or he will walk is the instant the warning bells start. I have the feeling and I want to stop it; I’m pretty sure it lies in me, and I want to understand it so I can stop it. I will never be as infinitely good, capable, vigorous or whole as he is. And if he wants to attempt to love me in spite of this...I just need to square with that. I want to have the strength to feel good in myself without his support. I want to feel worthy and equal. What can I bring to him that he doesn’t already have? And is it enough? When I tally our assets I always feel as though mine are wanting. He tells me I make him happy, happier than anything. But will that fade? Is it enough? Bc by my calculations it simply doesn’t add up.

“...the day that I find, suddenly I’ve run out of secrets, suddenly I’m not always on his mind...”

So, guiding questions:

1- Am I being foolish rushing into this? Am I trying to convince my heart to go where it simply cannot yet and is not ready to go?

2- What is the source of this feeling of inadequacy and how can I halt it? 

3- Is there an expiration date? How would I feel about that?

In the midst of all this T is proving tricky to shake. My fault as much as anything. I find myself crazy susceptible to his physical prowess (he’s well-versed in the art of physical intimacy) and he blindly praises me with a worshipful devotion. It’s addictive I admit. P will be more of a slow burn in terms of physical intimacy; but if we get all the way there (which slow burn is really a good healthy thing for me), I suspect it could be the sort of thing that makes me cry, in the best of ways. The contemplation already makes me more sentimental than I can say. And that’s the thing; when P gets back in town and I can look into his eyes again--when he’s there on the other end of the dance frame...holding my hand and holding me up, I will feel safe again. Loved, secure, and in no doubt. I have yet to feel inadequate when he is there like that. Because he doesn’t look at me and see flaws. And he is so pragmatic and unruffled. A good attitude for me. He is a “problem solver” as he likes to say, and nearly everything has a simple, logical solution. That’s a lovely grounding thing for me. It give me steel and makes me think things like “You don’t have demonstrable skills? Then acquire some.” And he makes it seem simple, achievable. He believes in me. And he tells me so. And he is committed to getting this thing we’ve got right. All good good things. So I have faith that things will return to normal when he’s home. 

Another point of insecurity for me atm is that I await news of this job which I had hoped to hear of before now. The week that they gave me is almost up, and I cannot help but feel that if they wanted to offer it to me they would have by now. Also, feeling anxious about all I have to learn.

And on THAT note, I do feel somewhat better and need to get some actual paid work in. Hopefully I will muse more before too much longer.

Non sequitur: In the soundtrack of P (he is sharing metal with me) there is so far: “Heaven Help My Heart,” “You’re Awful” and “Two Sleepy People”--because we cannot seem to get enough sleep in each other’s company--texting or cuddling. Which is, in his simple heartfelt language: “nice.”

[groundbreaking-science]

1.2 Life, the World, and Genki (pt 2)

The river valley near Central City in optical light and ki.

6) I have to admit, I was going to leave out this explanation. I assumed it followed from previous discussion of animal ki, but my arm was twisted. I have drawn the grass nearby with a few brown spots in ki that are not visible otherwise, though this is laziness on my behalf - there should be many, many more. I am, of course, speaking of bugs and other usually reviled creepy crawlies.

My home in Satan City Age 797, with Goten (30) and Trunks (31) joined by Marron (26), the daughter of my father's closest friend and close friend to Goten and Trunks in her own right.

Gohan:  Are there any sides to ki people might not immediately think of? Trunks:  So not flying then? Goten:  Always the flying. Gonna be soooo many flat people when this book's released. Trunks:  Goten... Goten:  What? It's true! Gohan:  I'm adding disclaimers to the chapter. Trunks:  Good. I can swing you our lawyers if need be. Marron: Spiders. Trunks:  Come again? Marron:  An answer to the actual question? Spiders. Finding spiders. Goten:  Oh, here we go. Gohan:  Ah, I'll be covering ki-sense early. Marron:  Okay but that'll be about people and birds and lions and--   Trunks:  Lions?! Marron:  --Yeah cool animals - or cute dogs or something - no one ever talks about the bugs-- Goten: (laughing) Marron:  --stop laughing you reprobate this is your fault! Gohan: I think I know where you're going with this but for the camera can you explain? Marron:  Your delightful brother - I told you to stop - when we were little but he was old enough to know better, I was terrified of spiders. Scream-the-house-down-terrified. Trunks:  You weren't that bad. Marron:  I had nightmares! When I was just learning how to read ki, he thought it would be hilarious to play a game to test me. Goten: I was helping! Marron:  The game involved him finding random animals and asking me to guess what they were. Lizards, frogs, mice, all that. I can deal with that. Goten:  In my defence you were enjoying yourself - you said it was really fun. Marron:  I don't care what you claim I said! The point is, the last animal he got me was really tricky, and I spent ages feeling it out just, what the hell is that? Its ki was so sharp and mechanical, silent? Gaahhhh I'm creeping myself out just thinking-- Trunks:  What was it Mar, what was it? Tell the nice people-- Marron:  A TARANTULA. [[Goten and Trunks both laugh]] Marron:  You were tormenting a five-year-old! It's nothing to be proud of and that's not even the end of it. If at any point they both decided I was irritating them by merely existing they'd shout-- Goten:  FIVE! Trunks:  Six? Goten:  Oh yeah, SIX! Marron:  Oh my god you asses-- they'd shout The Number. Gohan: And that number is? Marron:  The number of spiders in the room. That freaking childhood trauma seared the ki signature of a spider into my brain to the point I can count them within moments of entering a room. They conditioned me to do it. And it is six. I hate you both so much and I. Hate. Spiders.

For those like Marron who have a... strong dislike... of spiders and such, sensing ki will confirm your worst fears. Sometimes ignorance is truly bliss. I don't remember learning to sense ki, the realisation of being able to sense scary things coming slowly or not registering within me enough to remember. The experience clearly stayed with Marron. For me the world has always looked like this (and just to confirm the old adage, 'you're never more than six feet away from a rat in a city' is near-enough true). An ant nest or beehive seems like a large fuzzy cluster of busy ki rather than any individuals particularly standing out. In other cases though if you are truly quiet and on alert, you can sense the movement and blunt intention of bugs. Predators like spiders do have the same sharp purpose as other carnivorous animals, but their ki is simple in the impression it leaves.

I don't find spider ki particularly intimidating and I think that is Marron's stark fear of them colouring her sense subconsciously. If you have a fear of any animal and especially a fear of bugs, I recommend spending a lot of time on this aspect of ki-sensing as you develop your technique. If your entire attention is taken up finding bugs around you to be fearful of and flinching at every movement you'll never progress. Still, this apprehension can be controlled and never bothers Marron in situations that require her full attention.

7) The fuzzy nature of ant nests is true of human cities, although human individuality is detectable. Central City itself is not visible from The Spot being some four hundred miles away. Nevertheless, it is still perfectly detectable and the subtle effect of the city can be sensed all across the globe. I've exaggerated the brightness a little, the combined aura of all the inhabitants being extremely faint at the distances I've painted it to. I've also included some of the turbulent structure detectable within ki. Ki in aura like this is not affected by the wind, the ki only very rarely interacting with the physical world around it. It is the intent a ki-user gives ki that will allow an interaction, but more in later chapters. The ki from the city therefore extends not as smoke blowing in the wind nor as a dome but as fat disk, extending equally upward into the atmosphere and downward into the earth, tapering off as it travels away from the city. There are denser regions as the ki swirls, pulled together not by the wind but more of its own meandering. The view of ki is not stopped by rocks on the surface either, impeded only by the ki of the plants on the hill close to me. As an aside, whilst ki sense is an enhancement to other senses, travelling using ki-sense alone in a completely dead local environment would be unwise. Without any ki signatures registering you will smack into inanimate objects. This is the reason we try to fight in remote areas if possible. We try to minimise loss of any form of life in this way yes, but in truth we want to have an unobstructed view of our opponent's ki.

8) From The Spot, West city is near 5,000km away, a fair distance. I've coloured the ki differently to represent the difference in feel of West City's ki. The true contrast wouldn't be stark enough to appear as a different species, but this illustration makes the distinction clearer. If anyone has visited both cities you'd find their reputation precedes them - West is on average far more brash and lively than the quiet, cultured and sophisticated Central. Their unique nature is reflected in the feelings of their ki and even in the turbulence - West city's ki is, on average at least, more erratic.

The ki of the city is still detectable and strong even at a distance (the population being larger by a factor of three than Central) but from my vantage point doesn't appear to extend as high in the atmosphere. In reality the ki is forming the same fat disc as Central City, but it appears sunk into the ground due to the curvature of the Earth. Trace the shape back to the centre of the ki impression and you will find ground-level in West City. The true lack of impedance caused by the non-living landscape means no matter where I am on Earth I can see these cities.

These large population centres then make navigation around the globe extremely simple for ki-users. I doubt any part of the planet is unfamiliar to me now, from high up enough at least, but I can always find my way home by triangulating the main cities and setting a course. Having a constant sense of the near-spherical nature of the planet is useful but somewhat strange, and can cause trouble.

I taught my wife Videl how to use and sense ki when we were sixteen. She took to the skill surprisingly quickly, though it was a number of years before her acuity in ki-sense grew consciously. A few days before our wedding I visited Videl's home to find her distracted, restless. She got worse and worse throughout the day, eventually settling on the couch stock-still, only flinching. Videl denied anything was wrong, saying it was nothing serious, and of course my paranoia feared the worst. She must have cold feet but was unable to tell me. I asked her father, Mr Satan, if he knew anything was wrong which started him panicking... This culminating in him drinking to steady his nerves, me compulsively drinking coffee, and the start of a joint idea to write a letter showing that I understood her decision. This morphed from a letter into a speech (the letter rendered unreadable by the caffeine-induced shaking of my hand) which I regaled to her at speed over dinner, Mr Satan interjecting sagely when I fumbled my lines. She stopped me halfway through (I suspect she was patient for as long as she could bear and thought I was near the end) asking where I had got the baffling idea she didn't want to marry me from. After I stammered a weak explanation she laughed - not unkindly - then admitted she should have been honest but was embarrassed.

After a confused description of her own we worked out she was having side-effects of ki sensing. It was severe vertigo induced by our friends Trunks and his father Vegeta in West City on the other side of the planet. She had always been able to vaguely sense our friends in West City, but this was the first time she'd been able to appreciate the distance. She felt every metre of that twelve thousand kilometres as though she was dangling helplessly over a bore-shaft through the centre of the Earth. It took Videl a week or so to overcome the sensation, it coming in waves. Though thankfully on the day of our wedding our friends were with us and so the vertigo lifted for a time!

9) It is not just Earth's population centres that can be useful to navigate by. Outside the Earth's atmosphere one can use stars with your eyes and other planets to orient yourself. I've highlighted planet New Namek here. I'll admit the planet wasn't in this direction when I was painting, this image painted in June and New Namek rising in daylight hours in the northern Autumn months instead. I hope you'll forgive inaccuracy for the the point I wish to illustrate. As one's ki-sense develops, sensitivity to intensity appears first before the ability to pinpoint position, then depth. With practise then, the faint glow in the sky of other planets will start to nag at your senses. At first it will feel like a blip in the atmosphere, maybe the weather. It's only when your ability to resolve the ki down to a blurry point will you resolve the planet along with it.

Your ki-sense is not limited by the power of the eye. I'm mildly farsighted but not that farsighted! Looking above at the planet I am able to resolve the townships on New Namek itself in ki. If I was looking for someone I knew well I may be able to lock onto them. Those with the greatest abilities could detect - and crucially pinpoint - a spider twitch from the other side of the Universe. (I'm sure one day that will be Marron readying for a crusade against them.) You may expect the underlying ki of Namekians to be distinctively different to Earthlings, they are alien after all. And that is true to an extent. Although, there are far more similarities than differences, reflecting both species' high socialisation and capacity to manipulate ki.

10) My final label you may expect, since I've been approximately moving from faintest to brightest, would be the largest source of ki in the scene. And at that particular moment you'd be correct. The blue ki signature is extremely bright and the same colour as New Namek for good reason. It is the ki signature of Piccolo, my kidnapper and first official teacher. Piccolo is not hidden in the grass here with the deer, but at Yunzebitto Heights in the North of the planet. We're viewing his ki signature right through the Earth. At the time I drew this he was training and his energy output was over a hundred times that of the entirety of New Namek. Namekians have retained their ki sense over the years and are on average many times stronger than a Earthling, however sadly there are only a few hundred Namekians left in the Universe. Piccolo's strength is impressive, his what we call 'power level' is elevated here, although even when not training his lower 'base' power level is still easily detectable for me. It was the strong power levels of Trunks and Vegeta that induced Videl's vertigo. We shall cover the raising and lowering of ki intensity in the next chapter.

Because of their elevated intensity I am constantly subconsciously attending to the ki signatures of friends and family. I always noticed whenever my father left the planet, or can detect the moment Pan suppresses her power ready to try and sneak up on me (I won't know when she was planning to ambush me or from where, but I'll be as ready as I can)! There is very little privacy amongst advanced ki-users, sadly. The ability to track and be tracked, even when unintended, is a fact of life for us and one of well-argued downsides of publishing this book. Imagine knowing from six hundred miles away your little brother is sneaking off to the city at night... and not phoning your mother like you promised you would? Sorry Mom, I lied. We are all co-conspirators of the worst kind.

So far I have spoken only of ki. The last of the labelled ki signatures in particular necessitates now making a distinction between different types of ki. From points 1-8 (and mostly 9) I was speaking of a type of ki known as 'genki'. This is ki generated from the body alone. Genki is literally 'life energy' itself. So far I have only discussed ki as life energy, so what's different between genki and other types? Most Earth-based ki-users never progressed beyond using their own body's ki, their genki, to marginally bolster their strength, and ki-sensing isn't dependent on the amount of ki one has. Thus ki was genki and no distinction was ever made. Only the most advanced users were able to harness greater strength beyond what would make sense from that great law of physics, "conservation of energy". It's only as we progress to modern day and power-levels have grown considerably that a distinction between the ability to use one's genki and the ability to amplify one's genki was necessary. This amplification (truthfully a conversion from genki into another form) is a skill to develop and a very important one to maintain.  

Confusingly, my friends and family never traditionally had a specific name for this converted ki, using 'ki' for both types and referring to genki when context wasn't sufficient. It is only recently that, from a fortuitous combination of attempting to teach Pan and Bra in a structured manner, Goten, Trunks and Gotenks needing to record notes for themselves and this research that precise terminology even begun to appear. Now if a specific term is needed we use "banoki" or "field ki" for the extra energy that breaks the laws of physics. The properties of field ki and genki do differ, which I will explain, along with the choice of the word "ba/field", towards the end of the chapter.

The kids (or 'kids' - gosh, Bra is the youngest and yet twenty-four years old now) have their own language and I've borrowed nearly all of their terminology for this textbook. I claimed it was so I could keep abreast of how Pan is training her students to support her, though in reality it was so I could keep up with what in the name Pan was talking about. Joining the kids on sorties can leave you lagging as they work as a terrifying unit, throwing around jargon-filled updates and commands that leave you dizzy. The increased terminology, although less accessible, allows for subtle distinctions to be made between techniques and more nuanced discussion than I had growing up. I was fortunate enough that Videl was an extremely gifted martial artist before I taught her how to use ki, and even then I taught her all backwards (rather dangerously teaching her to fly first). Now Pan has shown she can train novices extremely efficiently. "It's all about the grammar and vocab," she sings to students on their first session as she passes out notebooks and pens, far from the mystical adventure they were expecting.

You may want to start taking notes, too. We're going to learn some science next.

next previous first contents

[team-adults-blog]

4.03 The Four Horsemen

A Reaction: Apologizing for the map upfront. Not as funny or with as good of an analysis aspect as 4.02, but my reactions to kabby will always be prime. 

NYKOOOOOO I love him so much. Dang they 40+ on the way.

Lol Abby is either the only sensible one or overly dramatic because she’s the only one who covers her face before approaching.

All the animals are dyinggggg noooooooooo

Hold up. When did Octavia get a kick-ass sholder tat? This is definitely a major step in her assimilation into grounder culture. It’s more than just Indra accepting her now- maybe it’s only trikru at the moment and she gets the tattoo from them, but it’s still a big step from last season when she’s still getting hate from them. Sure she’s always going to get hate for being an outsider, but probs more from killing everybody now. Kudos. It’s rad.

Indra “I’m so proud” Roan one death to save thousands, it’s good politics. Indra has the warrior daughter she’s always wanted, but has it gone too far?

Dr. Squad all with crossed arms. What a posse. So happy for Sachin. His promotion shots on instagram made me even happier. 

These like 6 people are all that’s left of Luna’s people… So fish are not friends. Or food.

Yo check out this groovy map of the mid-Atlantic. Here’s the fun part where I waste way too much time trying to pinpoint where these places are using google maps. 

[Skip if you don’t have time right now or are just rude]

Polis=Baltimore/ Dc, looks a little above DC based on the Bay. It makes sense for Polis not be in DC because Trikru is. Tondc/ Ton DC was like “Washington DC” on a road sign and Lincoln got his name from the Lincoln memorial, which we get a glimpse of in S1.

Mount Weather= Looks to be around Luray area- which is really interesting to me because the cave/ tunnels would check out. A caving plug: Luray and Grand Caverns have really great features, but they’re dead. Railings and steps and lights have been put in everywhere to make it more accessible for folks, but more importantly to bring in a ton of money. To see Living caves in the valley, my brother is a cool dude who takes his students- and more importantly me- to see neat things without harming the cave like some punk ass bitch yanking stalactites off the ceiling.  

Arkadia= Looks to be around Culpeper… but if it was slightly more south (because the map Raven has is shit, but I’ll get to that) I could argue it’s between Charlottesville (!!!) and Culpeper, although more towards Culpeper. Like Orange/Madison counties. Literally no one cares about this but me because that is my homeland. Also TJ, Monroe (the president, not the dead character from this show that I should get back to…), and J Maddy-Mads. Zach-attack (this also works because he was a major general, not just for the rhyme) Is actually the closest to Arkadia- his house is in barboursville which puts him 25 min closer to Culpeper than TJ and Monroe. GW is up by Ton DC. Wilson is southwest of Arkadia. I don’t know/care enough about where Tyler and William Henry Harrison were from and I’m not going to look it up. This history/ geography lesson was brought to you by the Mother of Presidents, and viewers like you. Thank you.

Luna’s Rig= Somewhere off of DE/NJ coast. They might go back there, but otherwise I honestly don’t care where exactly the rig is. Like. Nyko just said that 40 people died on their way to Arkadia and Luna’s like this is all that’s left of my people. Soooooo… sorrynotsorry

Becca’s Island- I struggled figuring out what that said. I’m leaning towards it being a fictional island because the only thing I can think of it being is Sandy Hook. However, there seems to be land in the bay, soooo Sandy Hook would be part of the continental land mass instead of an island. If the picture wasn’t so wonky the only argument would be for Sandy Hook. I believe it’s only listed here because it will become plot relevant later this season when the tech team decided they need to access Becca/ A.L.I.E.’s drone or something to monitor radiation.

Note: The coastlines don’t match up perfectly. At first I was excited they’d taken rising sea levels with climate change into account, but that should make the bay larger and thus the gap between eastern Maryland/ Delaware and DC larger. So some of the Virginia coast looks good, but the east coast is on a passive margin (I took Geology guys can you tell), which means that it’s not colliding into another plate and thus being squished in on itself or mountain building (this is happening in the middle of the Atlantic) like on the U.S. west coast. But at the end of the day, I don’t think they really considered this when creating that map because 1) some areas are larger than they are now (like Long Island is now a peninsula instead of an island), indicating receding seas while 2) some coasts are cut off indicating rising sea levels. Basically. They would have been fine using a regular map from the internet. Not sure why they decided to render this shitty one or what purpose making their own serves. Maybe they don’t have rights to steal from the internet…?

You, the reader are now thinking, “who the fuck cares? That map was visible for under 30 seconds. all we were supposed to recognize is that it’s the VA/DC/MD area. Let’s move this train along I want to hear about things that actually matter.” And to this I say, you are not wrong. Let’s go. This 15 sec clip took me an hour to analyze and I’m not proud.

[Resume reading non-geography post here if you skipped. There were some jokes in there... not good ones]

Bellamy’s face at “choosing who lives or dies is your specialty” Ouch. Clarke can’t get a break. First Jasper, now Raven. Good thing he’s always on her side.

Someone’s taking the rover. My gut thought: is it fucking Jaha? Oh wait. Jasper’s problematic too and would pull that. Nope. Fucking Jaha. Your gut is always right. 

Naturally, radical Jaha who went off to find the city of light is not encouraging a trip to go find a doomsday bunker by a religious fanatic. Raven is the skeptic voice of ME. Like hey guys, remember when he did this last time? If it’s not real Clarkiepoo gonna make that list. I like

DOOMSDAY CULT MAN SAYS “there is a way out of the darkness. I can show it to you. You can be saved. Join me…” okokokokokok. Abby stays behind in Arkadia to show them the way out of the darkness. Then she is forced to take the chip and gets the rest of the camp to join her in the CoL. Coincidence? I THINK NOT.

DAD AND NATE ON GUARD DUTY TOGETHER. MY HEART. DAD MILLER IS GREAT. I like Miller Sr.

Raven x Abby

Alright. Time to defend mom. Raven’s position of wanting to save the pills- because it’s too late for them to work on Luna’s people- is understandable. Abby’s desire to save people is also understandable. I happen to love Raven x Abby scenes because they’re both so stubborn and both usually have equally strong, but different arguments. Dr. Abby probs should not have told her eldest daughter she’s killing this child. Howeverrrrr my mother, Abby, and even I, with my son VPJB, understand the power guilt has over your children. My son tried to attack a shadow for 45min today so I’m still choosing my battles. Back to the show- the emotion they bring as actors is fantastic. I’d like to pull their history out of the back of your head. Abby and Raven meet because they both have someone who went down in the dropship they desperately want to see. They bond. They trust each other and sass each other and Abby tells Raven to go down without her. Raven tells Clarke how great her mom is at a time when Clarke thinks floating Jake is still 100% her mom’s fault. Raven gets shot, Abby frickin saves her life and she only has one lame leg instead of being paralyzed from the waist down. Kudos Dr. Abby. BUT. Raven hurts, and chronic pain is rough on people, so you’ll lash out. Raven calls Abby out for being a crappy chancellor and doctor. Abby hits her. She’s instantly sorry she lost her temper and they’re distant but not terrible. Despite some heated moments, they’re fam. Abby adopts everyone she sees, and Raven, with only Finn in S1 becomes family. Then Finn dies. Then her mentor Sinclair (who I really really really really really liked and wish got more developing prior to THAT episode [sidenote: I hate when secondary/ tertiary characters get developed just so they the audience feels some emotional investment that turns into pain. Especially within the same episode. Except they’re only there for that one episode to drive another character’s development as in the dying child (Adrian) Luna brought.], so now Abby and her friends are all she has. There’s love there, which doesn’t make talking to each other ok, but I’m confident they’ll forgive each other.  It hurts more because of the love.

Murphy steals medicine to help a sick kid. Important because his father got floated for stealing him medicine when he was a sick child, and the medicine ended up not working. Abby knows better than to ask where he got it. She’s broken the law to save people before. Yay Jackson being sweet with this child. I frickin love Nyko too. He’s one cool dude.

Octavia x Indra x Gaia

Mom saves her daughter. Octavia is like oh nooo here let me help you up, my b. Another mother daughter conflict. But this time really related. Indra: My daughter was meant to lead armies. My daughter was meant to lead our people. Me and Gaia: looks like you got that after all. This scene was great. A parent who cannot understand their child. So common and yet this is the best portrayal of that I’ve seen, mainly because it wasn’t “But basketball’s your dream!” “No, Dad. basketball is your dream, not mine!” Octavia comes up with a plan to save the flame and Indra’s daughter. Loyal to Indra over Roan. I love that. Ilian’s sledgehammer was entirely too dramatic. Should have spent the money used on that effect for Raven’s map. I’ve got a bone to pick with Kirk Douglas or Michael Cliett- whomever was in charge of that. Not bitter. Omg Gaia is so sweet and lovely. I love her. I want her to stick around. Don’t let the radiation get her!

Bellamy + Clarke  x  Jaha

Leadership is lonely, it’s good she has you. You keep her centered. Obviously Jaha sees Clarke as the leader and Bellamy as her sidekick/ compass more than an equal? I feel like they co-lead well Together. Wink. You’ve got it backwards. Nice. But Jaha is giving Bell some questionable advice here- he’s saying stop blaming yourself for the massacre, you were doing what you though was best for your people, and as long as that’s true, you don’t need redemption. Sort of, Jaha. You may think you’re right, but someone is yelling at you that you’re wrong (i.e. Abby x Kane S1 culling, Kane x Boris S3 massacre), so you actually might need some redemption, maybe for your people to accept you, maybe for your soul. Kane goes off in search of redemption and atonement after he realizes the way of life on the Ark doesn’t have to be how life on Earth is. Bellamy, realizes slaughtering a village of non-militant grounders is wrong as he’s taking part in it. That’s why he convinces Pike to let Indra live. Yes, they both think they’re right, but when they realize, even in hindsight how wrong they were, they feel guilty. Jaha on the other hand is very set in this “That’s what I thought at the time and I won’t let the present change how I see my past actions.” He’s much more cold and cognitive than emotional, even with himself. Jaha’s all like, dude get over it, how many people do you have to save before you forgive yourself.

I’d say Jaha has been distant enough in that he’s been off by himself for most of the plot, or at least separated from the core group, to merit his comment on the state of Bellamy and Clarke’s relationship seriously. He has plenty of background with Clarke- his son was her best friend, their families were close pre-S1. Anyone can see Bellarke works well together, but Jaha’s outsider-insightfulness that everyone else may be too close to see (or too close to tell one of them) is that they center each other.

The List

First, can we talk about the Kabby couch parallel? Abby is snoozin at the start of S3 so peacefully and Kane glances over before going back to his sector mapping. ON THAT SAME COUCH is a peacefully sleeping Bellamy for Clarke to glance over at. He makes the list. I wonder if Riley did. Is Clarke reserving spots for grounders too or just sky people/ people in Arkadia? Bellamy gets spot 99. Good. Awe. He writes her name for her. Good job. Bellarke fans are screaming. Now we put it away... Y’all did a bang up job of that. Fold it once and put it in the OPEN CUBBY of the desk? No one will ever find it there. Snooping Jasper and Monty looking for their long lost weed never will. Oh wait. 

Funny how we’ve got another group of “100.” It’s always good to remember your roots.

End Thoughts Me: SHE’S A NIGHT BLOOD YOU DON’T HAVE TO RUN TESTS ABBY (and also you could have said “I’d like to run tests” slightly less creepily to a person who’s not the biggest fan of technology.) Abby and Clarke 20 seconds later- yeah there’s another variable here. yeah she a nightblood. Very happy Jackson got so many lines, even if they were tiny and sometimes in the background, he was in the conversation.

Noteworthy Absences and How I Feel About Them

Marcus Kane- I knew it was coming. I’m sure something big is happening with Octavia in the next episode. I thought the balance between Polis’ Octavia x Indra plot was well balanced with the Arkadia and Jaha x Bellarke plots. They were all satisfactorily interesting, a relief after Jaha’s 2B/3A plotlines. Adding a diplomatic Kane plot would be too much. He would have crowded Indra and her daughters’ scenes too. I’m good, but he was missed.

Harper McIntypre- She could have been standing guard with the Millers? Nate and Harper are besties. I like it. But then I want her to develop, so I’d rather her sit this one out and have meaningful airtime in another (or the next) episode.

Bryan- Also could have been on guard with the Millers. I actually would be really interested in seeing Bryan and Sergeant David Miller interact. Then again, He and Nate just had a fight last episode over fundamentally different beliefs, so they need air. In this case I do NOT want to have Miller Sr. interacting with them. He’s already had enough awkward interrupting couple-moments. I think he needed to be absent. There were already three plot lines and Briller drama would have pulled the show in too many directions, as with Kane. I’m cool with that.

Monty Green/ Jasper Jordan- This was a mother-daughter conflict episode with a splash of following Jaha’s whims. They didn’t fit. I’m cool with that. They’re going to find that letter Clarke should have hid in her pillowcase next week.

Echo- I’m bitter. She should have yelled at someone. What a badass.

Riley- Who is this dude. I just looked on IMDb and he’s in 6 episodes. Everyone seems to know him. I need to be part of that.

I felt we needed a refresher on full names…or lack there of...

I have no life and am very lonely. But it’s my own fault. so that’s just a nice explanation of why I have time to do this...

[off-the-wall-gay]

1-150 😏

You are SOOOO lucky that I’m bored (and that I have a never ending fear of disappointing people 💁🏼)

1.Who was the last person you held hands with?My ex
2. Are you outgoing or shy?Honestly it depends on the situation 
3. Who are you looking forward to seeing?My best friend hopefully in the next few months? 
4. Are you easy to get along with?I’d like to think so
5. If you were drunk would the person you like take care of you?I don’t really like anyone right now 
6. What kind of people are you attracted to?In terms of looks: athletic girls with longish hair In terms of personality: funny, witty, sarcastic, smart, caring, genuine, loving, honest
7. Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now?No way 
8. Who from the opposite gender is on your mind?My best guy friend, he’s in Amsterdam with his bf and I’m jealous as hell
9. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable?Depends on who it’s with 
10. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with?My mom 
11. What does the most recent text that you sent say?“Finished the video!!”
12. What are your 5 favorite songs right now?“The Planets Bend Between Us” - Snow Patrol (always) “Paint the Town Green” - The Script “How Far I’ll Go” - Moana“Uma Thurman” - Fall Out BoyReally anything by The Script has been making me happy recently 
13. Do you like it when people play with your hair?YAS
14. Do you believe in luck and miracles?Sometimes 
15. What good thing happened this summer?I started coaching field hockey
16. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?Probably not 
17. Do you think there is life on other planets?Duh
18. Do you still talk to your first crush?
Nah

19. Do you like bubble baths?Meh not really 
20. Do you like your neighbors?She’s super cool
21. What are your bad habits?Scratching at scabs 
22. Where would you like to travel?EVERYWHERE
23. Do you have trust issues?Yupppppp
24. Favorite part of your daily routine?Getting dressed 
25. What part of your body are you most uncomfortable with?My stomach 
26. What do you do when you wake up?Go on Tumblr 😂
27. Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker?Darker, I’m so fucking pale
28. Who are you most comfortable around?My best friend 
29. Have any of your ex’s told you they regret breaking up?The most recent 
30. Do you ever want to get married?So badly
31. If your hair long enough for a pony tail?Yup!
32. Which celebrities would you have a threesome with?Natalie Dormer and Anna Kendrick 👌🏻
33. Spell your name with your chin.Meyeh 
34. Do you play sports? What sports?Well I played field hockey in college and now I just lift and run and stuff 
35. Would you rather live without TV or music?Fuck this is stressing me out so I’m skipping it
36. Have you ever liked someone and never told them?Yes 
37. What do you say during awkward silences?Usually I meow 😹
38. Describe your dream girl/guy?Long brown hair, taller than me, athletic but not like a body builder, genuine, kind, sarcastic with a dry sense of humor, enjoys hiking and exploring and going on adventures but is also happy to stay in and watch Netflix and cuddle all day. Ugh this is making my heart hurt. 
39. What are your favorite stores to shop in?Zumiez, Vans, American Eagle 
40. What do you want to do after high school?That was like 6 years ago
41. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?Depends on what they did
42. If your being extremely quiet what does it mean?That I’m either depressed or anxious 
43. Do you smile at strangers?I try to but then I remember that vine about white people making that face and I realize I look weird 😂😂
44. Trip to outer space or bottom of the ocean?Neither, too scared for either of those
45. What makes you get out of bed in the morning?Food 😂
46. What are you paranoid about?That I’ll end up alone
47. Have you ever been high?No
48. Have you ever been drunk?Oh yes
49. Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about?Nah
50. What was the colour of the last hoodie you wore?Well the one I’m wearing now is blue
51. Ever wished you were someone else?Yeah
52. One thing you wish you could change about yourself?I wish I could love my body
53. Favourite makeup brand?I don’t wear makeup
54. Favourite store?Vans 
55. Favourite blog?Shit I don’t have one favorite but recently @witho has been really on point 
56. Favourite colour?Blue
57. Favourite food? Burgers!
58. Last thing you ate?Subway sandwich 
59. First thing you ate this morning?Ham and cheese omelette 
60. Ever won a competition? For what?Actually I don’t think I have now that I think 
about it??

61. Been suspended/expelled? For what?Nope!
62. Been arrested? For what?Nope!
63. Ever been in love? Yes
64. Tell us the story of your first kiss?I was drunk as fuck in Ireland and made out with a straight girl in a club…
65. Are you hungry right now?Yes
66. Do you like your tumblr friends more than your real friends?Nah, I like them all equally 
67. Facebook or Twitter?Facebook
68. Twitter or Tumblr?Tumblr 
69. Are you watching tv right now?Yes
70. Names of your bestfriends? MUPPET 
71. Craving something? What?Chips 
72. What colour are your towels?Green
72. How many pillows do you sleep with?3
73. Do you sleep with stuffed animals?Buddy!
74. How many stuffed animals do you think you have?1
75. Favourite animal?Wolf
76. What colour is your underwear?Currently it’s blue and white stripe 
77. Chocolate or Vanilla?Vanilla 
78. Favourite ice cream flavour?Chocolate chip cookie dough 
79. What colour shirt are you wearing?Blue 
80. What colour pants?Plaid pajama pants 
81. Favourite tv show?Criminal Minds
82. Favourite movie?I don’t really have one 
83. Mean Girls or Mean Girls 2?Mean Girls duh
84. Mean Girls or 21 Jump Street?Mean Girls duh
85. Favourite character from Mean Girls?Janice
86. Favourite character from Finding Nemo?Dory
87. First person you talked to today?My coworker 
88. Last person you talked to today?My dad
89. Name a person you hate?I won’t say their name 
90. Name a person you love?My mom 
91. Is there anyone you want to punch in the face right now?There’s one person I would always love to punch in the face
92. In a fight with someone?No 
93. How many sweatpants do you have?3
94. How many sweaters/hoodies do you have?Too many
95. Last movie you watched?Moana 😍
96. Favourite actress?Anna Kendrick 
97. Favourite actor?Don’t have one honestly 
98. Do you tan a lot?No…I just burn 
99. Have any pets?Oliver! 
100. How are you feeling?Sad
101. Do you type fast?Yes
102. Do you regret anything from your past?Not really
103. Can you spell well?Sometimes
104. Do you miss anyone from your past?I miss a lot of people 
105. Ever been to a bonfire party?Yes! They’re my absolute favorite!!
106. Ever broken someone’s heart?Unfortunately yes
107. Have you ever been on a horse?YES!!!! Love it!
108. What should you be doing?Sleeping
109. Is something irritating you right now?My life
110. Have you ever liked someone so much it hurt?Yes…it sucks
111. Do you have trust issues?Already answered this and yes I do
112. Who was the last person you cried in front of?My mom 
113. What was your childhood nickname?Magdelyn
114. Have you ever been out of your province/state?Yup
115. Do you play the Wii?No
116. Are you listening to music right now?Nope
117. Do you like chicken noodle soup?Only when I’m sick
118. Do you like Chinese food?General Tso’s 🙌🏻
119. Favourite book?Don’t have one but I recently read “Buffering” by Hannah Hart and it was amazing 
120. Are you afraid of the dark?Sometimes 
121. Are you mean?I don’t think so
122. Is cheating ever okay?Never. Ever ever. Never fucking ever. 
123. Can you keep white shoes clean?I can try 😆
124. Do you believe in love at first sight?No
125. Do you believe in true love?Yes
126. Are you currently bored?Yes
127. What makes you happy?Working out and running
128. Would you change your name?Nah
129. What your zodiac sign?Sagittarius 
130. Do you like subway?Yes!
131. Your bestfriend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do?Be weirded the fuck out because he’s def gay
132. Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with?Already answered 
133. Favourite lyrics right now?“Come what may I know the way”
134. Can you count to one million?I’m not even gonna try 
135. Dumbest lie you ever told?Oh god I don’t know I’m running out of steam here 😂😂
136. Do you sleep with your doors open or closed?Closed
137. How tall are you?5’ 4"


138. Curly or Straight hair?Straight (lol)
139. Brunette or Blonde?Blonde 
140. Summer or Winter?SUMMER
141. Night or Day?Day
142. Favourite month?May
143. Are you a vegetarian?No way
144. Dark, milk or white chocolate?Milk
145. Tea or Coffee?Neither
146. Was today a good day?Meh it was fine, productive at least
147. Mars or Snickers?Snickers 
148. What’s your favourite quote?“Nobody is wired wrong because there’s no wrong or right in the way we are” 
149. Do you believe in ghosts?Hell yeah I do 
150. Get the closest book next to you, open it to page 42, what’s the first line“Eventually he can to Mooers Forks, New York…”