#she checks every box lmfaoooooooo

[flameontheotherside]

The What And What

What the fuck is constantly uttered. About 10x tops on exaggeration. I'm being forced to have people explain things to me without some kind of diagram. 😑 I always have a problem with this. I'm used to having printouts or emails from my bosses or whatever. These are the people at the clinic, the dude at the gym explaining the cost and the math (math completely escapes me) and being told this and that, instructions and vocalize directions. I get completely lost. I hear a sentence and that's all I hear. They have carried on about something but I'm lost and stuck on some random sentence all spacey and shit. 😭 Embarrassing. Like being stoned but not even the fun kind of stoned. I'm all like:

Since I'm a visual learner as in I need to see it in writing or described SPECIFICALLY. Otherwise I just fill in the gaps and usually it's nothing good. Im learning to ask for help but I find explaining I'm autistic helps them understand but it makes me embarrassed. I'm extremely talented and intelligent.... 🤣 And Yadda yadda yadda. I know what I'm capable of and I know what I deserve. It's just frustrating. It makes me depressed like I rather crawl back in my cave again. Except no Vince. Erik reminds me I can't be alone forever. I know but I'm moving to a halfway house. I don't think being alone forever is good or healthy. Being the crazy cat lady isn't what I had in mind. Anyway even though I deserve better, I feel undeserving. 🤷‍♀️

It's frustrating to realize that Erik will have killed himself ten years ago.

I keep being reminded of it. I always want what I can't have and what I don't want just stones me to death. Even though I try to look at the positives. It doesn't change the fact he's gone and I'm terrified about what will happen to me. 🤔 Who can I count on? Should I baker-act myself for a whole month?

The whole ten years since he's died, I just let people walk all over me. Say or promise one thing yet either I'm some kind of side bitch, rebound, or "easy" all because I don't really understand. People aren't so forthcoming. Saying let's 🙄 Netflix and chill to me means Netflix and chill. Usually "sex" is far from my mind. Ahem... I have my higher self being to blame. This/she/her, I'm just an avatar and my higher self is the spirit having a human experience. We are all designed this way. And excuse me for being ignorant but it's not hard to understand.

The human side of me constantly fights with my "authentic" or higher self.

Who I call Vanessa just for the sake of, coaxs me out of my comfort zone. Ive developed a nice collection of nice things and bring out my tomboy shit every once in a while. 😅 I try for a balance. I'm well aware of everything, no blackouts, or crazy shit but just like how I don't remember what I ate for dinner last night; let's end on a happy note. 😊🙏❤️

🤣I once bought my first uhhh... Dildo.😆

Lmfaoooooooo! 😆👌 This was months ago. Long story short I forgot about it. Then when I saw the box, Erik roared laughing in my ear so loud I could have fallen over.... Then I remembered and tossed that shit in the back of the closet. Dear God I think my entire head exploded. 🤮 Vince and I never really did the nasteh and I was okay with it. My trifling higher self must have been like,

No, bitch we need to fix this. *click*

There's your entertainment. Sorry this couldn't have been less emo. 😂👆

😘💕❤️ Good nighty night!

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(ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:・ﾟ✧Don’t forget to take a look at Erik’s blog ran by his amazing mom Dr Elisa Medhus. Lots of stuff about his afterlife and 💩 at channelingerik.com.

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