#shame paranoia doesn't care about logic

[vent-blog-ignore-me]

thank you random tumblr reblog bait, i literally think my mum is gonna die tonight now.

[thenightling]

The Satanic Panic (the unwelcome 80s throw-back)

Everything from the 1980s has made a come back. From LP records replacing CDs, to films like Beetlejuice and Ghostbusters. And literature like The Vampire Lestat (published in 1985) and Neil Gaiman's The Sandman (1988). And Broadway musicals based on 80s movies. Even skinny jeans for men made a come back. And late 80 Goth fashion. These are all great, fun, Nostalgic things. But... something else made a come back. The infamous Satanic Panic. If you're unfamiliar with the 80s Satanic Panic it wasn't all about thinking there were Satanists everywhere. It was sort of a blanket term for a rise in anti-semitism, anti-witchcraft, homophobia, and a weird surge in ped0pheila paranoia. When you think of the 80s Satanic Panic you think of the religious zealots burning Dungeons & Dragons tabletop role playing game manuals or thinking they hear Satanic messages in Heavy Metal albums or the extremely ignorant claiming that non-Abrahmic religions (or even Judaism) are actually worshipping Satan. I saw this make a disturbing comeback just yesterday when someone joined my The Sandman Facebook group with the rant that The Star of David is actually a Satanic symbol and has nothing to do with David. If you didn't grow up during The Satanic Panic you may have entirely missed the Ped0phelia aspect of it, which may have been worse than the claims that Satanists were / are secretly everywhere. It was a leap in logic that the Satanists are up to evil, and what is more evil than the sexual abuse and exploitation of children? So people started to imagine there were ped0philes everywhere, running daycare centres, or eccentric ex-boyfriends. Or LGBTQAI+ teenagers who came out of the closet were suddenly suspected of being a ped0 because if the person isn't straight, a very ignorant "friend" or family member might suddenly decide that the gay person is attracted to everyone of their gender, including children. The impact of the 80s Satanic Panic can still be felt. Innocent people, including Day Care Center owners, were convicted and couldn't get their verdicts over turned for decades. A bad breakup and a few whispers in her ear could lead to a mother believing the worst about her ex-husband without any evidence. There were cases of children being coached without the coachers even realizing that's what they were doing because the adults asked the children so many times in so many ways about sexual abuse that they were sure must have happened, that the kids just started saying what they thought their parents or grandparents wanted to hear. This was the era of "Stranger Danger." And it never quite stopped.

The ped0phelia paranoia is particularly strange. Do NOT take this to mean I am claiming Ped0phelia doesn't happen or isn't a real threat or that victims who come forward should be ignored. No. However, Q-anon revived this paranoia with things like "All Democrats are secretly ped0philes." "Hillary Clinton leads a Ped0phile ring." "The ped0philes in Washington and Hollywood are using the blood of children to unnaturally retain their youth. As far fetched as that sounds, people believe it. There was even that one guy who was so convinced that there was a secret dungeon under a pizza parlor that he showed up heavily armed and when he found out there was no basement he surrendered himself to police. Former rock star turned Hollywood composer, Danny Elfman, was recently accused of decades old sexual harassment but because of "catchy" headlines lots of people seemed to think he must have r8ped someone. Some people even dusted off his old Oingo Boingo song, "Little Girls" as proof of his perversion even though the song was actually intended to shame and call out Hollywood executives who would take advantage of underage girls. It wasn't the smoking gun they seemed to think it was. It was an anti-sexual abuse song. Much like how in the 1980s Pat Benatar's "Hell is for Children" (an anti-child abuse anthem) was mistaken as Satanist / pro-child abuse somehow... (Lyric comprehension / media literacy is haaaard). For over thirty-years we have lived in the comfortable myth of "Ha, people were silly in the past!" and then it started to happen again. People saw Satanists and ped0philes everywhere again in a strange spike in social paranoia, perhaps as a subconscious (and very bigoted) rebellion against the social changes happening such as more LGBTQAI+ rights and openness. You might think you're immune because you're a democrat with an open mind and statistically usually the people who fall for these things are... well... Qanon... But you are not immune. Anyone can fall for these sort of things. If you ever decided someone "looks like a pervert" because of how they dress, or you have started to humor the gossip and rumors about your "creepy neighbor"... maybe stop and remember it was "Normal" and "reasonable people" who took part in the Salem witch Hunts.

If you know someone who sees Satanism everywhere that isn't pious Christianity or a smaller non-Abrahamic religion, than know that it's not that big of a leap in logic for them to start making sexual (particularly ped0phile) accusations. I dare say this is even tied to the conservative anti-trans movement sprinkled with accusations of "grooming." This is one 80s fad I wish would die... again.

[alexandraisyes]

God, the "What if Eclipse had ASPD" post is still one of my most famous ones that everyone in this fandom seems to fucking know one way or another. I still get people going "WAIT YOU WROTE THAT?" When I join servers, and then they yap about how much they misunderstood ASPD and Eclipse and I sit there in my lil teehee pose like "yes I wrote that I know I'm amazing you can sing my praises more if you would like" (because I have no shame).

(In reality I go "yes I wrote that haha" and never remark on it again because I don't know how to accept a compliment)

I know I'm doing good and doing a good thing but it's such a cruel and lonely disorder, and sometimes I hate myself for having it even if I know, logically, there is nothing I could have to prevent it. A two-year-old doesn't have the kind of control they need to stop bad things from happening to them. And that's horrible. And I hate that the people I know in my outside life immediately turn against me when they find out I have it.

It doesn't feel like it's something I should be proud of.

It feels like something that makes me a monster.

And that's just the way it is, I suppose. I'm going to lose people over things I can't control and I need to fucking suck it up and get over it even though every time someone leaves me for it it's a stake in the heart because I put my trust in them to understand. To stay. To listen.

To know me and not the stereotypes of my disorder.

But I shouldn't care, right? Because that's all I do anyway, not care. Because that's all that is to the disorder, and none of the paranoia and depression and mania and obsession and boredom and self-loathing and isolation and numbness exist, stop trying to play the victim.

I'm not trying to play the victim.

I am the victim.

Are people allowed to be proud that they survived a car crash? Are they allowed to be proud of themselves for surviving? Does any rational person look at something horrible that happened to themself and think "I'm so proud I survived something I had no control over"? Or do we look at them funny because why would you say that, why would you say you're proud of yourself, it all happened so fast and you didn't even do anything but keep breathing and not die how can you be proud of that you're not saving other people from car crashes your not giving people lessons on how to avoid getting rear-ended you're just living your life what do you have to be proud of?

Do I have anything to be proud of?

I feel like I've caused just as much harm that has been caused to me, and now I'm pathetically trying to compensate for that so when I tell people about my past they look at me now and tell me "it's okay you're doing better now I'm proud of you".

Is it pathetic that's all I've ever wanted to hear?

Is it bad to want to be loved when you can't even properly love people in return? Is it bad that I can love anyone because the word has no meaning to me other than respecting someone else as a person? When did I stop being human, when did I forget emotion and connection and sanity, when did I become a machine who's only purpose is to be a sad display of the human condition? Diseased, imperfect, parasitic, incurable.

And why would anyone ever even want to treat someone who is so much less than a person when they clearly deserve it because look at the way they fail to be genuine and sincere and empathetic. Because look at their past where they didn't understand social conventions and broke the rules and hurt people trying to connect with them.

Clearly I should be put out of my misery.

And yet I refuse to do so myself and continue to make my continued existence a source of anxiety and suffering for those around me simply because I have so much hatred for living that to submit to death would be letting it win.

And wow this is getting really long and rambly so I'm going to put a readmore but also guys gonna be so real I'm on my period rn according to my emotions (they are existing currently and it is not happy fun times) and I had an energy drink so this was kinda fucking panicky and insane and you are allowed to judge me for going actually insane on main, and making a pathetic little display of myself. I'll just sit here going teefuckinghee and eating my 85% dark chocolate that my friend mailed me because I am loved by at least one person on this fucking hellscape of a planet, and that's enough for me.

It's so weird trying to be proud? Accepting? Of my own disorder that's literally formed from the worst kinda of trauma you can put a child through

Like whooo ASPD and because I'm a good(not really but we can pretend)person who wants to educate people I can make it useful by talking about what it's like

But also . . . it's ASPD.

I don't know if I'm allowed to be proud of it, even during disability pride month.

[marshmallowprotection]

honestly i've always wondered how jumin would've reacted upon hearing that there was a bomb at where mc was living at. on his route, we can see him slowly melting and falling for mc, but it was also bc he sensed that smth was wrong and that caused him to get mc to stay at his home instead of returning. but i always genuinely wondered how he would react upon knowing that after he sent them back, the bomb could have potentially been messed with by unknown and placed mc in a vv precarious situation.

Spoilers for Jumin's BE3. TW: Murder

Well, well, well. Have you played Jumin's Bad Ending 3? This is where Jumin finds out about the bomb... in the worst way possible. V talks to Jumin and convinces him to let you go, and you're able to go back to Rika's apartment where Unknown is already waiting for you. There is a bomb switch in his hand, and he talks about how this button will fix it all. His Savior said so. He wants to make Seven guilty and full of shame, and this is the best way. Rika said so.

So... I'm sure you can infer what happens when he presses the switch while you're both in the apartment. Yeah, it's not pretty. This would've been the thing that destroyed him emotionally. He not only let all the paranoia get to him, but his actions inadvertently led to you dying at the hands of the hacker. He had the first person he loved in his hands and now you're gone. He can't take it back. We know his coping tools are at his worst, too.

He drinks to cope and he wants to feel nothing. After V's death in the secret ending, it's implied he spends his nights drinking to deal with the stress and turmoil that he isn't allowed to show. This is really no different. Your death will hurt him and destroy him, but if he's at his job? Nobody will ever know that he's crumbling the second that he's alone in the penthouse.

You made him want badly to be able to express himself and let out every emotion he's been masking his entire life under the guise of pleasing his father. Sure, he has so much that he shares with his trusted loved ones, but you were the one person that was starting to see who he really was. A kind man who enjoys cheesy craft projects, baking, and telling you all about the dark magic he reads about.

Nobody knows him like that... even V doesn't entirely know who he is, and that's a little sad to think about. But, the same can be said in the opposite case. I digress. Anyway, with you gone, he is lost again. He's unable to see beyond his tangled threads and for good reason. He is aware if he keeps pulling the strands... the other end is going to be a burnt mess.

But, in a realistic sense, we know how he reacts to the bomb in the other routes. We just have to apply that logic to the situation if it was his MC. He wants them out of there. He wants answers. V will be the first person to talk and I can't see Jumin hesitating. He'll be tired of the run-around because "Why did Rika order Luciel to put a bomb in this apartment? You can't hide from me. I've given you time and years of understanding, my friend, but this has to stop here."

I can see that.

MC's not staying there.

He's getting information and he's taking care of this.

[nothingyetallthethings]

trauma processing

So I am reading a chapter for my class on Developmental Psychology. And this one deals specifically on maltreatment and trauma responses.

It's interesting to read this chapter because at first I was reading it with a very distanced, disengaged point of view, and then I got to the diagnosis information regarding PTSD--and as I was taking notes on the disorder I realized that I'd been experiencing every single one of the symptoms over the past several months. Like there wasn't even one symptom that I had skipped over.

It was interesting to me because a lot of times I don't "feel" that there's anything off or anything wrong. Even when I meet up with my therapist I just usually shrug and say everything's fine although I am notating some weird behavioral patterns/cognitive beliefs, but other than that I don't "feel" very different or "feel" traumatized in any way.

Even immediately after the breakup and all the terrible events that followed I didn't really "feel" much right off the bat. I remember for about the first month or so I felt nothing. And then all of a sudden I started explosively crying at work and I couldn't stop for like an hour. And tears just kept coming day after day and I was like wtf is wrong with me. Cause it still didn't seem connected to anything "specific," although logically I knew it probably had to do with trauma and emotional processing and I had some sort of repression block that probably had finally burst.

I developed panic attacks again that would come on randomly and last for several hours of the day. I seemed to dissociate randomly and not really feel at one with my body or like I was really existing in the universe. Or maybe that everything around me was surreal and fake. I'm not totally sure. My paranoia kicked into high gear and conspiracy theories popped into the back of my head about everyone being out to get me or just wanting something from me. Even friends I had known for years and my own grandma. It made it really hard to interact with my friends even though I really wanted to. I just got really panicky whenever I tried and then just ended up retreating and doing activities by myself again.

I got "triggered" yesterday by an image a stranger in a mutual group posted of my ex, lounging in a bubble bath, with this gigantic grin on his face as if he had no cares in the world. She and I are not friends and do not know each other, although I do know OF her, and knew that she and my ex had just met and were starting to hang out right before my ex and I blocked each other so we can't see each other's posts/pictures/comments/whatever anymore. Unfortunately we're still in the same social circles though so from time to time I did expect to see him. But I wasn't expecting to see him so soon and especially not like that?

I had to block the girl--which made me kinda irritated cause I don't just like blocking people for no reason. Like I very rarely block people. And I was also irritated that I was experiencing a trigger at all. I knew triggers were real things that affected other people, but I hate now having triggers that might impact me, and not knowing where or when to really expect them or even what they are.

I mainly felt my anger and resentment spring up though. Which I actually don't feel that often, so it was a surprise in itself. But I felt a lot of rage at the amount of victimization that my ex had carried on about and tried to make himself the martyr of everything--when he doesn't even seem to have any long-lasting effects about anything? So what, you now have to pay bills and learn to adult and depend on yourself for your own independent autonomy. Whoop-de-doo-da. I've been doing that since 17.

But my ability to socialize is somewhat broken. My ability to trust in others. I can't even seem to properly connect with my current and old trusted friends much less make proper new connections. My mood shifts from extremes of happy and joyful to bitter depression, anxiety, and angst. And I feel shame and resentment and guilt over myself and over what happened. His ability to socialize wasn't impacted in this way. It seemed to have no real impact on him whatsoever. And that is infuriating to me.

I don't really know how to navigate through some of the struggles that I'm having or how to even bring it up with the people that are supposed to help me--like my therapist and my psychiatrist? Like idk how to even let them know what I'm feeling if I don't even know what I'm feeling or what I need or how to fix it?

It's one thing for my therapist to say, "Hey, don't isolate yourself," but then whenever I even think about inviting someone over--I no longer hear the voices whispering to me anymore that it's a dangerous thing, but I still feel it in my spirit and get intrusive images of someone coming over and hurting me--even if it's a friend that I know for a while. And so I just sit back down, stay in my safe zone, and lose myself in work or video games or streaming shows and leave communication to the internet where I know it's "safe" and no one can get me.

I used to have nightmares about my ex or one of his friends popping up on me in my trailer randomly one day. And I still jump at noises outside.

I don't really know what to do or how to move past it yet. This is just me processing.