#sending shit on anon and then compulsively checking the blog to see if they answered bc i'm too chicken to send it as myself 😭

[campingwiththecharmings]

*pinches bridge of nose* why do i do this to myself?

[jessipalooza]

die you fat bitch

I was originally going to answer this was “nah” or something that really brushes it off, because that’s what I usually do. 

(Also if this is the same person: Hey, whoever you are, been a while - I was wondering if you were going to come back since it’s been months. How you doing? Doing ok? Been busy? New job? Marriage? Kids?)

That joke aside though, I’m going to get a little bit more serious here. I’ve really wondered whether or not I wanted to talk about this on social media, because it’s really nobody’s business and to be honest, I’m not feeling 100% secure just yet, but after getting this message, I do think it’s important to say something in case somebody - anybody that’s having a hard time - sees it too. 

Some trigger warnings ahead, as an fyi.

I’ve mentioned before that I have struggled with some mental health and stuff, but I’m not sure if I said directly that I was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder back in 2016. I had a bad bout of it for a little less than a year, got a new job, and it subsided quickly. 

Throughout 2019, I had another bad downswing. However, this was much worse. To be very blunt, I had the first thoughts of suicide that I have ever had in my life. This is very hard to type and to admit “out loud”, but I had thoughts, compulsions, and some legitimate planning. It’s very difficult to admit that. Extremely difficult. Please understand how hard it is to admit that and put that out there.

Basically, shit was bad. Really bad.

When I noticed just how bad and couldn’t really deny it anymore (frequent breakdowns, anxiety attacks, suicidal thoughts that wouldn’t go away), I reached out to my doctor and a therapist. Since December, I’ve been seeing my doctor, a psychiatrist, and a therapist. I’ve been put on two antidepressants simultaneously so that they can work together. I see my PCP every other month, my psychiatrist once a month, and my therapist every other week. They do wellness check ins, though I need those less now that I’m on medication and the medication is working very, very, very well.

Basically, I was worse off than I ever have been before, I got help, and I’m getting better. Am I 100%? No. Am I getting there? I think so. I hope so.

But had I received this message back in November/December? Honestly, I don’t think I would’ve just been able to reply with a “nah” and brushed it off like I usually do. Like I’m kind of able to do now - because even now, it stings more than it used to when I’d get these every so often. 

I really have no idea who you are. Idk why I’ve gotten these random anon messages calling me a bitch, fat, telling me to die, etc, for the past like 2-3 years. I don’t know who you are, and I really don’t care. You could be a completely random person that found my blog and does this to a million other people for all I know or care. 

But whoever you are, just take into consideration what you’re saying, why you’re saying it, and if it really needs to be said, you know? I doubt you will, and honestly I doubt you’ll even see this and read it, but if you do, just think about it for a while honestly. 

I’m glad I’m able to brush this off right now, but I might not have been able to a while ago, and if you’re sending this kind of stuff to other people, they might not be able to either.

Thanks.