#sending messages to my grandma i'd always include him and now it's nothing anymore
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#feeling sad#but also very numb as well#i keep swinging from crying to feeling nothing#i don't know when i'll actually realize that my grandpa is gone and i won't see him anymore#i don't think it's fully hit me yet#i cannot believe that it's happened#around two weeks ago we were sitting on his couch and he asked me to sit closer as we spoke#and then we held hands and talked about the trip i wanted to go on#that was the first time i had seen him after so long#and he was like 'my sweetheart i want to pay for that trip' and i was like 'oh no please don't worry'#and he said he really wanted to do it for me#his hand was a bit wrinkly but big and warm and he always had this sweet smile on his face#i always felt so cared for and so safe in his presence#he was the first and only man who loved me with his heart#i was his little chick his only granddaughter and even when i grew big he would give me pocket money or pay for my ice cream#i just cannot fathom a life without him#sending messages to my grandma i'd always include him and now it's nothing anymore#even yesterday i went to her house as he passed in the morning#and the alarms went off as he was supposed to take medication but of course he didn't#i felt my heart sinking then#i felt like he would come out of the bedroom or the bathroom but he didn't#when i went to the bathroom his shoes were there.. untouched.. he won't wear them ever again#i don't know why i'm sharing all this here but i don't get the time to be emotional in real life#not because someone's stopping me but because there's so much to decide on and to sort out suddenly#and the fact that his will is that we fly him to where he was born so we can bury him there#but i don't know if i'll be able to go with my health issues#and if i don't go i'm going to beat myself up over it so much because how could i not attend his funeral#when he did so much for me#he'd starve and save up money for me to be able to have clothes and find warm food on my table when i was a child#he did so much for me and yet i am over here debating and worrying over the flight and over everything
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