#self indulgent bcs i had a bad dream n my partner's asleep

[ovwechoes]

A Night of Loss: Hanzo x GN Reader You had a disturbing dream, and you're trying to cope through it. As your mind wanders around their home, you're left craving some way to let out go out of your mind without waking your loving partner. Themes: miscarriage mention, disturbing dream, support, fluff, sfw, established relationship. Word count: 2467

Your eyes fluttered open, silently watching the cieling above you. Your face felt wet, as though you were crying in your sleep; you were familiar with this feeling, but today it felt tenfold. Your mind was foggy as you sat yourself up, the rain on the window to your right pattering across the glass. Your boyfriend was fast asleep still, undisturbed somehow in a way you envied. By the look on his face, you could tell his dream was peaceful and you envied that. You remained still, thinking through the dream you just had, considering the reasons why your mind had plagued you with something so disturbing. The rain helped you to focus, as you rubbed your temples in an attempt to quiet the lingering discomfort that wouldn't leave your body. You felt Hanzo stir in his sleep beside you, tossing every so often in-between your thoughts. He seemed content, though, and you wondered exactly what he was dreaming about. What his mind was fixated on. Surely, it couldn't be worse than the torment your mind had given you that night.

When trying to figure out what that dream was and what would've caused it wasn't working, you moved your energy to studying your partner's room. It was a feeble attempt at trying to distract yourself from the way your heart ached. You always admired his room, but never took genuine time to take in the beauty that was scattered around you.

Hanzo was a traditional man, and valued the traditional Japanese aesthetic. That much was obvious, but the more you look around this room, the more you realised how much it meant to him. He opted for a Kominkan house in Shirakawa. It was tranquil there, with a population of approx. 1,500. You valued the fact that it was so remote, away from the noise of the city. His house reflected the peacefulness of the area around it, with the structure being more traditional than modern. You looked at the wooden beams, the sliding door, the shoji screens scattered around the room, and eventually looked outside at his back garden through the picture window that let the rain dance on it. Hanzo took great care of his garden, and cared much more than the average man about maintaining it's beauty. You could see that when the grass was freshly cut, the small pond in the middle kept clean from mud or moss. The light that shone through the picture window always glowed on the two of you in the morning, as though it was kissing your skins, admiring the way you both woke up from it's peaceful alarm. You felt the warmth of the sun hold itself against your arm, as though it was attempting to comfort you throughout the war in your mind.

You carefully moved yourself to look at the wall Hanzo's bed was against, once you were satisfied with his garden. You didn't want to wake your partner, and potentially interrupt his own dream. You watched his breathing chest, studied the way his chest tattoos moved as his chest was filled and empties every other moment. You couldn't help but stopping in your tracks to admire his sculpted body. It's something you always admired, but rarely did you have the time to look at the intricate details up close. He was now laying on his back, his hair draped around him as though it was framing his face in a purposeful way. You placed a hand above his head, slowly touching his hair with the tips of your fingers - it was soft, like always, and you couldn't help but feel the desire to touch it more and more. You knew you couldn't, in fear of waking him up, and you were shortly brought out of your state of admiration. Your back turned, watching his responses to make sure you didn't wake him up, and you positioned yourself so that you were sitting cross legged on the bed, facing the wall against the bed. Your eyes drifted across the hand painted decoration that lingered above you. It was huge - it's size was corner to corner of the wall, and you couldn't help but feel as though you were being towered over by it. It wasn't anything fancy; it was a painting of a cherry blossom branch, with red flowers instead. You could outline every paint stroke from where you sat, and you were left thinking about how they brought a new level of elegance instead of tackiness to the painting. You studied the Kanji that was written along the left-hand side of the painting; you couldn't quite make out what it said, but you were left stunned at it's beautiful application. You always loved fine art, but it was starting to seem like Hanzo's taste was far superior. 

The state of admiration filled your mind, to the point where you didn't notice Hanzo waking up and sitting up to watch you carefully. You were both silent, taking in each individual view you were both transfixed on in this moment. He was waiting for you to notice him, and when you didn't, he moved more purposely in a way that stirred the blankets apart. You quickly looked at him, and studied his expression to see if you woke him up. Guilt set itself inside you, and your mind was suddenly filled with what started your morning off - that cursed dream you were inflicted with. Your heart sunk, as you watched him sit next to you, facing the painting, with his hand creeping itself around the back of your waist.

“I'm sorry, did I wake you up?” you spoke softly, trying not to be too loud in the morning. You watched his eyes move across the painting, with his head slowly shaking before he responded properly. You didn't turn to look at him, your eyes were busy soaking up the unappreciated beauty that faced you.

“No, don't worry. The rain's responsible this morning. What about you? You're not usually the first one awake." he spoke, in a sotto voce manner. He was still waking up, and couldn't spare the energy to speak louder than his chords could handle just yet, but you weren't concerned about that. You were left considering your options; do you lie to him, tell him you woke up because of the rain too, or do you open up about your dream? You didn't know, and with it plagued in your mind, your face started to twist itself into a display of discomfort and concern. Hanzo turned to face you, analysing the way your lips were contorting against one another. Your lips were pulled across, downturned, as though they were guarding the words that were formulating behind them. Your eyes were vacant, as though they weren't being used because your mind was elsewhere. Hanzo noticed these things quickly, and moved the hand that was on your lower back to the knee that was touching his, slowly rubbing it with his thumb to ground you back to reality.

“Do you wan't to talk about it? I won't pry, or attempt to guess, but just know I'm right here. Whatever you want to do, I'll be here to listen.” his voice reassured you, with his tone soft and unwavering. He knew exactly what to say, and you felt silly for feeling this way over a dream. Eventually the decision became clear, and you breathed in heavily to stop the tears from swelling as you let your mouth formulate it's words. “I had a disturbing dream, is all. I was pregnant, and ended up having a miscarriage. It's silly to get upset about, I know, but it felt so real. I don't know why this' happening, and I don't know what to do. I didn't want to wake you up over something small like this, so I just distracted myself for a while…” you spoke in a low tone, breathing every so often to keep yourself composed and focused. You didn't want to go into the same detail your dream did, and you didn't know how he would respond if you did. You turned slightly to see your partner better, and watched as his expression didn't shift, his hand didn't move or stop, and his mind was running like clockwork at a way to comfort you.

Eventually, after some careful consideration on his part, he stood using his bare feet to slowly move across to your side of the bed. Hanzo carefully sat himself down on the floor next to the low bed frame. His hands moved in a gentle nature to your own, and his hands wrapped in-between yours. It felt intimate, and helped you to focus on what he was preparing to say. You couldn't help but look at him properly now, and move your attention away from the painting. His gaze remained at your hands, with his eyelashes framing his eyes in a beautiful way that you couldn't help but notice. He breathed slightly, as though there was going to be weight behind his words that needed to be padded. “Y/N, I can't imagine how hard that must've been for you. I don't know how to properly respond, but just know that if that did happen with us, I would always support you. I'm sorry you had to go through that; if it happens again, wake me up, okay?” His gaze moved towards your own, with him connecting and making eye contact to add emphasis on his words. Hanzo melted your heart, and you felt silly for even feeling so torn about it in isolation. He knows what it's like to bottle things up, and you could see the pain in his eyes as he realised you had to try and figure it out on your own for a while.

Your eyes swelled, and all you could think about is how supportive your partner was. He could see the way your lips began to quiver, your eyes glazing over from tears, and he brought his hand to the back of yours, moving your head to meet with his. You both held this pose for some time, resting your foreheads against one another. A smile crept across your face, as you soaked up every moment. You could feel your heart race, as you both closed your eyes and made the most of the intimacy. Your mind was clear of the dream, and even if his words were simple and small, you felt yourself feel relieved to have it off your chest. Both of your breathings were in sync, and you felt connected as one.

“Thank you, Hanzo. You don't know how much this means to me. I'm sorry for making a big deal out of nothing.” your voice was quivering, your words stuttering slightly every so often. You were overwhelmed with emotion, and Hanzo could tell even without opening his eyes. He quietly shushed you as he heard that last sentence fall into his ears, in an attempt to reassure you even more. “If it hurt you, then it's not nothing so don't say that. You're always welcome, and you deserve it more than anyone else.” he whispered in a soothing way, removing any pain that could've been left in your heart. His eyes opened, with his head moving away from yours now. He brought his hands back down, and placed each on a side of your hips. This prompted you to open your own, and watch as he rests his head in your lap, slithering his arms around your back to hold you close to him. Rarely, did he show this side of him, but when he did you ate it up as much as you could. Hanzo's head was tilted to the side, watching the painting again as you did before. You placed a hand on his head, returning to his hair and softly rubbing it with more purpose and intention than before. He hummed in satisfaction, as you turned to join him in watching the decor infront of you both.

“Do you like it?” he lulled into your lap slightly, waiting for a response. There was hesitance in his voice. You let out a slight murmur of agreement in response, continuing to play with his hair in-between your fingertips.

“Thank you, I made it myself…” Embarrassment littered his words, and his face warmed up against your legs. It made you smile more, and you could tell this was something he rarely admitted to. Your admiration for him was doubled, and you couldn't help but finding the painting more beautiful after finding this out. Your mind was overwhelmed with love, and you could feel yourself falling harder for the archer that was resting himself against you.

“I really love it, I'm just struggling with reading the Kanji. What does it say?” You asked, in a subtle way of teasing his embarrassment more. He was silent for some time, trying to formulate how to respond without stuttering or pausing on his words. He was left speechless, knowing you enjoyed it more than he expected someone to.

“It's 再生 (Saisei)”, he uttered softly, before continuing after you left him the space to explain. “It means rebirth or renewal… I wanted to make something to remind myself of this, when I'm alone and need it the most. It's nothing new or revolutionary, by any means, but it means something to me at least…” he spoke slowly, with hesitance and reluctance to leave himself so open and vulnerable. But with you, he felt more safe and secure to. You felt the warmth from his face grow stronger the more he spoke, and it left you feeling comforted. You couldn't imagine not having this moment with him, and it made you finally thank your brain for bringing you closer together with the dream that once infected you so deeply.

“I'm proud of you Hanzo, truly.” you said much louder, as though if you didn't he wouldn't process the words properly. It made his heart soar, and he buried his face in your lap away from the painting out of pure shyness. You loved the way your words made him melt into you, and it was something you revelled in each and every time. You both remained still, admiring one another in your own ways. What was once a horrible morning had been filled with love in a way you wouldn't have expected. You wouldn't give this moment up for anything or anyone in the world, and you hoped that Hanzo truly understood how meaningful this time with him was. The rain continued to dance across the glass of the picture window, with the sun continuing to embrace the figure you both left in it's warmth. You were peaceful, and nothing could ruin this for either of you.