#self hatred/survivors guilt/'i have lived past my end' kind of thing

[notthestarwar]

Snippet from: When is a monster not a monster? Oh, when you love it. Chapter 5

Ghost Mace speaks to past Jaster (alive) and tells him what he knows of Jango's future, in the life he lived.

Mace's brow stiffened. "When we realised what we had done, we tried to find him but we could not."

"We tried to find the True Mandolorian's but the survivors had fled in all directions. We did try and see justice done, there was an overhaul of our internal mission preparation process. We changed our training. Dooku left the order as did his apprentice."

"None of it could make up for what we did. Years after the fact, I learnt that Jango was sold in to slavery by the governor. It took him years to escape. I learnt of the weight of what we had done in helping end the True Mandolorian's. In leaving Death Watch unchecked."

He meets Jaster's eyes. "We are here to discuss why we haunt Jango, but it would be remiss of me to not tell you that your son has haunted me every single day since the day I left on a mission to retrieve him; to attempt to offer reparations for what my peoples neglect brought down on him, and came home empty handed."

" We thought him dead, but I did not forget him. From that day, I've carried the weight of what we did to him. I have often thought of him over the years." Mace shook his head.

"You hold no blame here, but we just might."

And isn't that a thing. His son haunting a Jedi even before that Jedi might haunt him.

Jango is tangled up in something here far beyond Jaster's reckoning.

Mace is laying out the constituent parts that when put together, make Jango in to the man that is responsible for the death of every single person standing in that warehouse. Jaster isn't sure where that leaves him, because once he's done hearing this story, in the years that lay ahead of them yet, every single one of these horrible pieces is going to fall in to place. Tragedy after Tragedy ready to be pasted and slapped on to the boy he loves, his son, in order to make him in to the man that did this.

How the hell can Jaster stand by and let that happen?

There are no rules that apply to Jaster, not anymore. He doesn't care about morality or the ethics of fucking with a future that's apparently already happened. He has no care for his own code, not now. None of it matters.

Jaster is Jango's buir, before all else. He has been from the day he stepped in to a smoldering farmhouse and against the odds saw signs of life dancing across his HUD. The Ka'ra gave him Jango and by god, it can stand back while he brings his son back from the abyss.

Mace is watching him. "Jaster, you had no hand in making Jango Fett the man he became at the end. You did not abandon him, you were taken from him. I need you to know this. You should know that none of this was your fault. "

Jaster doesn't care. It doesn't matter if its his fault or not, he is responsible all the same; because he wants to be. He didn't fall in to parenthood, he walked in to it willingly. For Jango, there is no monster that Jaster will not face.

The ka'ra has given him one last gift. The opportunity to see Jango's life after Jaster, and a few precious years in which to try and change them. It may not be in Jaster's power to save his son from himself but by god, he'll die trying.

He looks at the Jedi.  "Tell me the rest."

Some of my thoughts below the cut

Some of my thoughts (because clearly rambling in the comments hasn't been enough for me lol)

I had a lot of fun with this one. I've written about ghosts before but with this one, I went at it from another angle. In this au, ghosts aren't bound by linear time. If you do something that leaves a ghost tied to your soul, they are tied to you in the past as well as the future. Jango and Jaster are both Force Sensitive (tho with a Mando understanding of it. They call it 'star touched') and so can see ghosts.

In this fic, moving in with Jaster sets Jango on the path that brings him to the prequels. Once he's on that path, the ghosts that'll be tied to him in his future, can move freely along the timeline, with each of them pulled to a particular version of Jango. Jango will obviously be responsible for the deaths of quite a few people, there are his bounties, the Jedi and the clones and so on; but when the first ghost appears he's just a kid. The story deals with Jaster coming to terms with the fact that his kid, who he loves beyond reason, even if he stumbled upon him quite by accident, one day becomes the person that will make all these ghosts.

At first there's only one ghost in their time, but Jaster can't let it go (tho he knows he should), he needs to know what happens. So he keeps asking until she admits that she isn't the only ghost and that they are tied to Jango as he's responsible for their deaths. Then, he keeps pushing until she introduces him to the others. She gathers them in a warehouse (so Jango doesn't see) and takes Jaster there.

In the part of the story this snippet is from, Jaster has just been confronted with an excessive number of people (including children) who are all tied to Jango as he's responsible for their deaths. He's had a (understandable) freak out, and ghost Mace has taken him aside and offered to tell him what he knows of Jango's future, and how it led to the death of so many people.

What follows is a buddy up adventure between Mace and Jaster (unlikely duo) in which Jaster tries to come to terms with what Mace has told him, and the horrible events that led to Jango becoming the man that would one day be responsible for all these ghosts. While he tries to save Jango from himself, long before he needs saving.

The idea behind the fic is the inevitability of a tragedy. There's a feeling when you're watching a tragedy play out, that it's all so unnecessary, that it didn't need to happen, but you only know that because as the audience you know that they are in a tragedy, the characters don't know. So what if a character did know? Jaster is served advance notice, will having that allow him to save Jango, or will it just feed in to the fulfillment of this prophetic future?

I wanted to explore the fact that there's only so much one particular character can do, in trying to prevent the end another is headed towards and also, the power of familial love, even when it's found somewhere unexpected. Jaster isn't Jango's blood family, he didn't even know him till he was an older child, which I think makes his love for Jango in spite of knowing what he will become, all the more powerful. The glimpse of Jango's future is disgusting to Jaster, it goes against all he believes in, but its Jango so he can't hate him for it, he loves him too much and so, he's determined to save him from himself. He's willing to do the impossible.

Then there's Mace: so in this au, Mace is sent out shortly after Galidraan, when it becomes clear to the order that they've made a mistake, to find the survivor they left in the hands of the Governor, and to right a wrong. He isn't successful, he looks everywhere but he can't find him, and in the end the order write him off as dead. In this au, Jango was 18 on Galidraan and what Mace sees as his failure to save someone that was little more as a child, and suffered so greatly thanks to what the order see as their own neglect, haunts him for the rest of his career.

Its that idea of 'the one case you couldn't close'. It's at the start of his career and he goes on to do amazing things, Mace is peak Jedi, he invents a new form, he's one of the youngest Jedi to be elected to the council, he ends up heading that council, but he is still human (or near human lol sw complicates everything. he's 100% human in a fallible/emotional/sapient sense) I think that as a Master Jedi he's very aware of his own weaknesses, and he tries to work through it, he talks to it with other Jedi, and he certainly doesn't let it affect his judgement, but he can't forget it all the same.

So it's this version of Mace that ended up meeting Jango in the arena. Which I think adds such an interesting angle.

[omnicat]

A Brief Summary of More Seasons of “Timeless” (Inevitably Leading Up to Gladiator!Flynn)

Hey @ununpredictableme, here’s that thing I promised to show you! :D (Again with a delay, but better late than never, right? /o\ )

The thing about time travel was, it was just too damn tempting for its own good. The whole “doubling back over your own lifetime will kill you” thing was an effective deterrent to whims like “that date was a disaster, let’s go give my past self some tips to improve the experience” and “we’re going to try this specific evil plan over and over until it succeeds, dammit!”, but as it turned out, that still left plenty of bigger ambitions.

First, of course, there was Rittenhouse and its covert world domination schemes: the very reason time travel managed to be invented in the first place. Briefly interrupted by Garcia Flynn’s roaring rampage of burning Rittenhouse to the ground and/or saving the wife and daughter they’d murdered. (Preferably both at the same time, but when push came to shove he would’ve settled for going down in a blaze of martyrdom, survivor’s guilt soothed by the knowledge that he’d at least tried.)

/S1; Flynn

Then back to Rittenhouse, their plans by that point out of the development phase and being implemented by a visionary with more flair and philosophy than common sense, but plenty of dangerous ideas either way. Though it didn’t take long for Rittenhouse’s deplorable recruitment practices to come back and bite them in the ass, resulting in a coup by one of its lowest-esteemed members.

/S2; Rittenhouse

Emma Whitmore, driven by nothing but a bitter desire to thrive over the backs of anyone who had ever harmed or held her back with even so much as their mere existence, but no longer knowing what thriving meant after the decades of pressure and manipulation and isolation Rittenhouse had subjected her to, turned the time machine into her personal pirate ship. She looted and pillaged her way through history, taking treasures and torching everything that pissed her off. And there wasn’t much that didn’t piss her off. If Flynn’s strategy had been to blow up especially fishy-smelling rocks and see what Rittenhouse filth came scurrying out from underneath, and Nicholas Keynes’ had been to repaint history in his own image in intricate and meticulously crafted brush strokes, Emma’s was to punish those in history who disadvantaged her and twist the arms of those who could elevate her in the cruelest ways she could think of. It was no wonder Jessica Logan had turned on her, in the end. It had only been a matter of time before Emma would have turned on her – and her baby.

/S3; Emma

For a short while, they thought Jessica’s change of heart was the end of it; Rittenhouse was in ruins, Emma dead, and Flynn mostly well-behaved as part of the Lifeboat crew. The antagonist bench was empty, the heroes no longer constantly preoccupied with defending themselves. The team finally had the time and opportunity to piece their timetravel-mangled lives and families back together. Lucy un-erased Amy, and their parents along with her; Flynn found a way to save Iris and Lorena without erasing all the victories their deaths had led to. Wyatt and Jessica took the Lifeboat to the 1400’s to raise their little family and clear their heads for a while. That while turned into forever. In the end, instead of disposing of the Lifeboat somewhere no modern villain would ever find it, as the initial plan had been, their grandson returned the ship to the 21st century, to a date mere weeks from the day they’d departed from. Sherwin was a bright, eager young man with Jessica’s eyes, Wyatt’s smile, an insatiable desire to see everything the past and future had to show him – and his best friend, Willard, in tow... who proved startlingly quick to be corrupted by the power of time travel.

Willard stole the ApocaLifeboat (thanks, Lucy Croft and Bearded Wyatt, that autopilot was just what they’d needed to make time travel even more of a crapshoot) and jumped from time period to time period, looking for a place and moment where he could install himself as the next best coming since Jesus, and revealing future technology and knowledge everywhere he went. He altered history with reckless abandon and relocated dozens upon dozens of bamboozled followers to eras they had no business being in.

While the team struggled to deal with Willard, Sherwin got attached to the 21th century, Lucy figured out how to deal with her restored family now that she’d uncovered the sordid truth of their ancestry, and Flynn wrestled with the self-hatred and guilt that threatened to tear his own newly-reunited family apart. And after the team returned from a jump with a damaged ship to a timeline where Connor was dead of a disease that didn’t exist before they left, taking his vital expertise and resources to the grave with him, Jiya and Rufus had to A: figure out how to undo his death, and B: develop a way to keep anybody else they cared about but who couldn’t come on a jump from being lost or critically changed by random divergences to their personal history, poofing out of existence because of family tree disruptions like Amy, or being hijacked by the enemy like Jessica. Objective A was accomplished with another jump, and objective B with what Rufus, who had the crucial eureka moment, got to dub the Wellsaday Cage (a portmanteau of Faraday Cage and H.G. Wells, the author of the first ever time machine story). The Cage ensured that everybody inside it shared in the temporal bubble that made it so the team didn’t get swept up by the effects of their actions while they were on a jump and always came back to the altered present as their old selves. BOOM. So many problems and four-dimensional puzzle induced-headaches solved.

/S4; Willard from the 14th Century

No sooner did the team stop Willard and start bickering among themselves about how – if at all – to fix the mess he’d made of history, than the remnants of Rittenhouse (their cult annoyingly unscathed by what Willard’s had wrought) reared its ugly head again. The remaining followers, a motley bunch who had rearranged the once unassailable hierarchy with blood and backstabbing in the wake of the purge of all Rittenhouse’s biggest and most actually influential figures, fought with a zeal only found in true believers who had seen their cult’s long-awaited judgement day pass by without so much as a lightning strike and doubled down on their faith regardless. Nothing the Time Team did could stop them – until finally, after an inexplicable delay of four seasons, they returned to David Rittenhouse and smothered the entire organization in the bud by killing him before he could start spreading his ideology in the first place.

/S5; Rittenhouse Redux

Preventing the birth of the Rittenhouse cult altered the history of the USA beyond recognition and, since it was Rittenhouse’s relentless urging and unlimited funds that made time travel possible, erased everything that had occurred because of it in the previous seasons. The team made a number of jumps to win some lotteries and make some jackpot investments to help themselves and the loved ones they’d saved with the Wellsaday Cage start over, and everybody set themselves to the task of adjusting to their new reality and dealing with the scars left by erased timelines only they now remembered.

Then time-travelers from centuries into the future started showed up. The team hadn’t had to wonder who the good guys and the bad guys were or what side they should be on since they cottoned on to the truth of what Flynn kept saying in S1. Now they were left questioning everything again. Who were these people from the future? What did they want, and could they be trusted to tell the truth about that? When they started contradicting each other and the cracks in their initially united front started to show, who could the team believe? And what would happen when the team fractured along long-dormant fault lines of trust (among themselves, and toward the future travelers) and philosophical disagreements over what time travel should or shouldn’t be used for and allowed to cause??

Much tension, very suspense. Wow. They figured it out eventually, though. And hey, guess what? Flynn’s inexplicable inability to come up with a sensible Plan B to kill David Rittenhouse all the way back in S1 wasn’t so inexplicable after all! Turns out it was a remote intervention by a distant-future scumbag – let’s call him Gabmucs – who read about the dude’s many different deaths in a history book about the Time War Era and the development of the tech that would come to shield The Future He Comes From from being affected by all that temporal chaos from the past. (Based on Jiya & Rufus’s Wellsaday Cage, but applied to the whole solar system past a certain point in time.)

Gabmucs thought all those ideas about oppression and suppression and world domination sounded right up his alley, and set up some kind of outcome enforcer tech (derivative from the Temporal Shield just like the Temporal Shield was a derivative of the Wellsaday Cage) around David R’s life to ensure only one specific fate from the many timelines centered around him would come to pass, and so his ideas would come to fruition no matter what. When the team first discovered David’s existence, Gabmucs’s technology had detected Flynn’s intentions and befuddled his senses until he just couldn’t think straight enough to kill the guy anymore. The eventual failure of this tech was what prompted Gabmucs to manipulate a team from his own time to go back and help him intervene in person. And while he was there, he might as well take some crucial steps toward disabling the Temporal Shield, so he could go home afterwards to a world steeped in glorious Rittenhouse-flavored evil tailor-made to his tastes.

He just wasn’t very honest to most of his team about the motives or objectives of their mission, and they didn’t take kindly to finding out the truth. Especially when one of them (let’s call her... uh... Niwrehs? /o\ I hate character names almost as much as fic titles) had fallen in love with Sherwin. (In the end, Niwhrehs stayed in the 21st century. And my wish of having both a distant past and a far future member on the team was fulfilled! Also, this season definitely has the modern team visiting the future AT LEAST once!!)

/S6; The Future

And just when they thought that was finally the end of it, Stanley Fisher arose from his ever-worsening stupor of visions and turned out to have become a temporal eldritch demi-god. A bored temporal eldritch demigod. Having seen literally everything there ever was to see, in every timeline that had ever been, he started changing things with the biggest impact possible, purely so he could experience something truly new again. And he didn’t need a time machine to transport himself to the past.

Which is what finally brings us to antiquity, and the massive, unimaginable changes he could cause by knocking history off course that far back... AND GLADIATOR FLYNN! :D The special effects budget goes through the roof! Old Rome! Ancient Egypt! The Aztecs! Atilla the Hun! Cavemen and Medieval knights and pirates and samurai and and and... WOOLY MAMMOTHS!! Good thing the far future guys left universal translator tech behind!

Wait, wait, back up, whaaaat?? WELL, you see, because of the accident that gave him his visions, Stanley was never affected by the timeline changing the way the rest of reality around him was. Even though it seemed like he was at first. But actually, every time the timeline changed, he instead absorbed the quantum imprint of the new version of himself and all the memories, visions, viability, and temporal capability that came with it. This slowly drove him crazier and crazier with every edit to the timeline, the human brain utterly unequipped to handle so many realities crammed into one mind – until the last jump of S6. That one tipped him over a critical mass of timelines into near-omniscience, and rearranged his physical and psychic being to finally accommodate it all.

(Look, no time-travel story can be called a real time-travel story unless everything goes batshit insane at some point, okay?)

Jiya had been experiencing the same thing, just on a much, much smaller scale, since she was shielded from most of the timeline changes by either being part of the jump team or being safely ensconced inside a Wellsaday Cage. But when it became clear that the team didn’t stand a chance against Stanley, she made a desperate gamble and told her past self what happened to Stanley... and how she could replicate it in herself. Jiya expected to die when she returned from this jump, but instead of being absorbed by the new timeline’s eldritch Jiya, that Jiya made sure they remained two separate entities. Girl Jiya rejoined her team, Eldritch Jiya transcended into Demi-Goddess Jiya, and between two time machines and a walking force of quantum nature, they kicked Stanley’s ass. Demi-Goddess Jiya absorbed his temporal whatever and became full-blown Time Goddess Jiya, who then merged with the timestream itself and ensured that all the time travel fuckery was finally, FINALLY, fucking over, and this season finale would be the definitive show finale. And everybody lived happily ever after.

EVERYBODY.

Yes, even if they were erased three hundred timelines ago. Yes, even if nobody was supposed to remember them anymore; she’s god now, she can fix that. That and so much more. And she does! Because she’s nice like that. Fuck ‘fate’ and ‘destiny’, the Goddess Jiya’s in charge now, and she makes sure time travel will not continue to or ever newly hurt her friends and family again.

/S7; Temporal Eldritch Demi-God Stanley Fisher

THE END

(Sorry Paulina, your scribbles will never come to anything. Or maybe they will, but your results will be relentlessly trolled by time!Jiya.)

[chronicparagon]

Headcanon: Micheal Lone Bear Halcyon

Note: I debated on posting this for a while now. I worry that posting this would not be a good idea. I’ll be frank, this headcanon is pretty trigger heavy. It tells the story of the damages done many years ago.

 Some of this hits close to home for me as it’s based on US history and what my family experienced, but I feel I should write this. It is important to carry the true history for the consequences of the government’s action exists today. It is also why I am doing my job and getting my doctorate. Perhaps it’s a way to mourn and heal from the ugly past. This will be under the cut and tagged. 

I understand if you wish to skip this headcanon as it is a rather dark one. I don’t know if it is appropriate, honestly, but I felt it’s necessary for some reason.  So I’ll see what you guys think and what I should do. 

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Harmony comes from a large family headed by her grandfather’s sisters. The entire family is pretty close and always help each other. However, there are a few members who were not recognized as part of the family. 

One of them is Harmony’s direct ancestors from seven generations ago. He was called Micheal Lone Bear Halcyon. He grew up during a difficult time.

Micheal was called Lone Bear at birth. He was born in what is now the Black Hawk Reservation and he was the son of a traditional Lakota couple who came from a long line of warriors who fought for their people since the beginning of time. His mother did not survive the birth, a consequence caused by the poor living conditions they lived in. Micheal’s father swore to his late wife that he would do everything he could to protect their son and not give up the old way of life. 

Sadly, fate had other plans.

Lone Bear was only eight years old when he was taken away from his father. By the orders of the government, they forcibly took many Indigenous children from their families and put in boarding schools where they were taught to be ashamed of who they are.

Micheal would never see his father again for he lost his life when he ambushed a military camp, demanding to have their children back and chase the soldiers off their land. That bloody night was their last stand.  They were given American names with the boys' long hair cut short, and forbid the children to speak their languages or practice their cultures. There was severe punishment for violations of these strict rules, sometimes having fatal consequences. 

After all, the boarding schools are made with this motto in mind: “Kill the Indian, save the man.” A saying that sparked genocide committed on the most innocent victims.

This is how Lone Bear became Micheal, and it is in this school that he and many of his classmates faced relentless abuse. Physical abuse, mental abuse, and other despicable acts occurred within these blood stained walls. 

 He was one of the lucky survivors from these schools, but he was never the same. He became a bitter young man who hated his heritage. Micheal was envious of wealthy white people, wishing he was just like them. It was this dream and the shame from the abuse and hatred for his identity that drove Micheal to seek a life far different from the old ways, and nothing like the impoverished lifestyle he’s damned to live. Forced to live on poor land that became reservations, commodity foods, and housing that were not sufficient for large families. 

Micheal took up drinking and became a heavy alcoholic with a severe addiction to gambling. He always thought he could win big and he can live with a large fortune. He married a Lakota woman who was also a boarding school survivor. Emma Little Feather was her name. They had five children together, but Micheal struggled to make ends meet with little opportunity for jobs. Two of his children passed on from malnutrition caused by little access to food.

“Who wants to hire an Indian?” A very common phrase spoken by people in nearby town

“Back off, savage! We don’t want your kind here!” 

“How can I trust you in my business when your people are thieves?” Spiteful words dripping with venom from employers who had no interest in taking Indigenous people in their workforce. 

Things were darker by the day for Micheal and his people. It further fueled his self-hatred and the anger, now hardly finding comfort in liquor. He soon became resentful toward his wife and children for they tried to rekindle the Lakota way. The threats and violence did little to quell his anger and further added to his shame.  Guilt weighed heavier and heavier until he couldn’t take it anymore. 

One night, Micheal Lone Bear Halcyon ran. He ran away from home, away from the land his ancestors once thought, the land stained by the blood of his forefathers. He ran away, determined to become wealthy and finally loved by all. It was what he wanted to fill the void in his heart caused by hate and losing the Lakota way of life. He does not know that he is ill, an ill man who’s heart is sick and his spirit was hungry for acceptance which he never had since he was kidnapped and sent to the boarding school.  His heart was ill, never allowed to mourn for losing his father, family, and his pride to be a Lakota. He never healed from these tragedies, which remains strong to this day. 

Micheal ran and never returned to the Black Hawk Reservation. 

 Emma and her children did not know what became of Micheal. She struggled to support her remaining children, but the children grew up resenting their father. The man who ran from his family and his people in favor for gambling and drink. That was how they saw it and perhaps there may be some truth. Micheal’s children told stories of their father to their own children, for he was an angry man who never bridled his rage. An angry and abusive man who abandoned his family for wealth. This was a cardinal sin for the Lakota favored family and their heritage over material possessions. 

  These stories passed between generations in the Halcyon family who called Micheal Lone Bear a black sheep. Though he suffered and had no way to mourn for his losses and recover, they do not excuse his choices for he ultimately decided to abandoned his family and tribe for his dreams to be rich and famous, and become the white man he longed to be. 

His life was a story of hurt, anger, shame, and spite, which poisoned him and haunted him in his remaining days.

[theories-by-majority-vote]

Why Sou's win rate was 0.0%

First to start off: let's discuss the purpose of the first trial Sou experienced. For what reason would the organization give information this vital to a candidate?  The reason for that lies in the purpose of the first trial. The death game runs on simulations and the first trial is the key to changing the entirety of the game. For starters, say Sou’s first trial had him do the key room, perhaps him having to rely on someone else to free him. Would that not change how he’d trust others? Say Sara was the one who had to play Russian roulette with two choices, just like one of victim’s first trial? How would that change the game? Simply put, it would change the number of survivors of the game, the survivors themselves and how rest of the game might play out.  The first trial is vital to how the games will go. And I do believe that the reasons everyone got the first trials that they did was not by random chance. It was purposeful that everyone experienced what they did. Back to Sou though, under the cut.  Note: The analysis in this post is not excusing any of Sou’s behavior but rather giving a possible explanation of why he acted such. 

In the beginning of the game we see him wary of revealing his name/ occupation. With Sara’s internal monologue, she assumes him to be timid.  Gin’s dialogue commenting on Sou to get a job when he makes it out results in him looking a little distressed, which Sara interprets as this:

[Image Caption: Sara’s thought on Sou Chapter 1.1: (Looks like he’s being crushed under not only the immediate fear, but an uncertain future...)]

Sou is very clearly anxious at this part of the game, the news still incredibly fresh. I would also like to think he wanted to wait til mostly everyone introduced themselves to match his information with theirs, to seem just as innocent. After all it is revealed that in actuality that Sou is Shin and instead of being a job hopping late night convenience store worker, he’s actually self employed, perhaps as a hacker, judging by his computer skills. 

In this death game, Sou recreated his identity to keep his walls up, guard up. He distrusts everyone, withheld information, used people, blackmailed people. He did everything for self preservation.

[Image Caption: Sou Speaking in Chapter 1.1: “H... Hey now, I dunno about that... You can’t trust people like that, right?”]

We don’t have data on how the games really played out, not clearly at least . We don’t know how Sou acted in the AI versions of the game, and considering that he did break the monitor with his AI, it seems like that information is deliberately left from us.  But I do think it’s very different from the Sou we know in this game, considering he abandoned “himself”.

[Image Caption: Sou Speaking Second Main game Chapter 2.2: “I absolutely can’t survive this Death Game...”]

[Image Caption: Sou Speaking Second Main game Chapter 2.2: “That’s why... I had to abandon “myself"..!!”]

A term as severe as ‘abandon’ would imply there was a drastic change. So the Sou who constantly lie and withholds information, who sees everyone with distrust, isn’t really Sou. It’s natural he became intensely distrustful though, considering he thinks everyone as an enemy. To someone who’s only information is that people are killed by majority vote and his chance of survival is impossible would only consider that he is set up to be killed every time. 

[Image Caption: Shin’s thoughts in his flashback: (Everyone will choose me by vote...and kill me...)] 

In the first main game, we see Sou snap when everyone puts their trust in Sara. The group as a whole trusts Sara because of her behavior, of how her actions speak for her. She was the only who got them through the Russian roulette, something Sou didn’t see. From Sou’s point of view however, Sara’s trust is fake, because he saw the emails and interpreted as her being with the enemies. Of course he would think that too, considering he was attacked because of him gaining this information. Sou is no fool, but he is also blinded by preconceptions fed to him from the first trial. Sara has the highest percentage of wins after all, she must be deceiving everyone, using them, that could be what is in his mind.

[Image Caption: Sou in the first main game Chapter 1.2: “ Death is just a matter of time for you. That’s the way weaklings live!”]

This line Sou says, when he snaps, is from his anger and frustration of people not realizing that Sara is deceiving them all, because he believed that to be the case, when we the player as well as other characters have an understanding of Sara because of her actions. This reaction from Sou could be targeted at his true self too, perhaps considering it to be weak and as a result the cause of his death. 

To Sou, he never survived because he was weak, too trusting, too honest. These words do not describe the current Sou at all, however. Except, we do see glimpses of his kindness in the game, particularly in chapter 2. 

[Image Caption: Sara looking at Kanna in Chapter 2.1 and thinking: They’re tears... of salvation.]

He probably is very attuned to emotions and he knows what to say to help or hurt them. Hence why he was able to write something to Kanna that helped her feel free from the guilt of her sisters death. Sou has a soft spot for Kanna, because she is too honest for her own good. She is simply a child who has  been hurt so much, and she trusts Sou to be good as well. I can imagine Sou cannot distrust her, nor think of this girl as an enemy. He did something to relieve her of her emotional pain. He did something of the similar extent to Sara, when he created an Ai of Joe just for her, and that  final gift to her was what she needed to get past her hallucinations. 

Also, one of the biggest character shifts we see in Sou is when escape is most likely, when he successfully hacks into the security system. This is when his fears of being chosen to die has faded away, because you can’t be voted to die if all the survivors simply escape the game.

[Image Caption: Sou speaking to Sara in chapter 2.2 “Ahaha..!! It worked!! It worked, Sara!!”]

Sara points out that Sou seems lively when he is working on the hacking and when he completes and successfully hacks through the security systems, he calls Sara, Sara, not Miss Sara like he usually does. He also seems genuinely happy. He also wants them all to escape *together*. He doesn’t keep this information to himself nor tries to leave ahead of everyone, and instead tells Sara that they all will go together. 

Sou could easily have tricked them at this point in time, took the information to make a run for it. If he really only cared about himself he probably would have done so. 

All this information on Sou’s true self is necessary to understand his 0.0% survival rate in the simulation games. 

In my guess, I think the reason hes never survived the game is because he chose not to. If he died, it was not by the choices of everyone else, but his own choice. He would have acted such that in the end, everyone would have chosen him.

To elaborate on this, I do think that after the first main game, if Sou did survive, he would have done anything it took to make it so one of the people who died would be him, whether it would be by taking the sacrifice card, or convincing everyone to choose him. 

Just before the second main game, we get a glimpse of this scene/memory of sorts:

[Image Caption: Sara holding a dying Shin Tsukimi with Q-taro and Mishima in the shot. No dialogue]

Sou is dying, similarly to how he was killed in the second main game. Some things to notice, is that Professor Mishima is there, implying this may be a memory from a simulation. The dialogue in this scene shows concern and worry for Sou, there is not hatred, nor any animosity or indifference to him. From this scene, its clear that he was not hated by, at the very least, the people shown here. 

With as little information that we have here of the simulation games, I do find that coming to the conclusion that Sou self sacrificed himself in every game (that he survived the first trial of) to be highly plausible, especially considering his reaction to Kanna trying to self-sacrifice herself in the place of Sou. 

[Image Caption: Sou in the second main game Chapter 2.2 to Kanna: “ Don’t be ridiculous, Kanna!!”] 

His face is of shock and desperation. It is so incredibly clear that he cares so much about Kanna. If you do choose to kill her, he is beyond mad. He hates that someone chose to sacrifice them self for *him*. Especially someone he cares about. 

[Image Caption: Sou in the Kanna’s death Scenario Chapter 2.2: I’ll kill everyone one of you who killed Kanna...!!] 

When do kill Sou though, he says, “that’s fine” and accepts that Sara hates him.  He accepts the decision because that’s what he wanted. He wanted it so he would die in the place of Kanna.  

When it finally came to his death, he didn't curse them or hated them, and instead he accepts his fate. I think it’s at this point, when he is dying, does he realize why he didn’t survive any other time, hence why he says this:

[Image Caption: Sou dying, in Chapter 2.2: “Maybe I should’ve believed... in everyone...”]

Sou, if he had believed in everyone from the start, would only change how everyone perceived him, but not his fate, because to Sou, he could never let anyone die in his place. 

To conclude this particularly long theory/analysis, I must bring back the first trial once more. Why did the organization do something like this to Shin Tsukimi?  I think it went against the purpose of the game. The game about trust and distrust relies on each person’s opinion of others. And should Sou, sacrifice himself, it no longer is a game on majority vote but rather a single person’s personal decision. The organization had to change this part in Sou, and such, force him to take the drastic decision that resulted in everyone current perception of him. 

Thank you everyone who made this far in this theory post!

-Bee

[raptured-night]

7&34?

Oh, yay! Thanks for the ask @snapeling!

7. What is your most self-indulgent Snape headcanon? No, your MOST self-indulgent headcanon. That one

I’ve read so many imaginative answers to this one, even a really lovely short about Snape surviving the Battle of Hogwarts to become a bee-keeper. I absolutely adored that one because I have long nursed a little headcanon about Snape as a retired teacher turned bee-keeper in the style of Sherlock Holmes. 

That being said, my most self-indulgent Snape headcanon has long been that the man who once spoke so mesmerizingly about being able to “put a stopper in death” to a class of rapt first-years was also able to have the foresight to be able to survive Nagini’s attack. Rowling laid the foundation for it to be possible and there was enough vagueness surrounding his death in the book that one could easily imagine scenarios where Snape survives and carves a better place for himself in the wizarding world post-war or he succeeds in faking his own death and quietly leaves the wizarding community of the UK behind for a fresh start elsewhere. In the latter scenario, everyone (or mostly everyone depending on if I’m feeling the idea of someone helping him fake his death or him managing it on his own) assumes he died and that his portrait didn’t just appear among the other Hogwarts’ headmasters because they believe he had “abandoned his post” but when his portrait (assuming Harry had one installed in his honor) suddenly comes to life and begins talking many decades later they realize the truth --the real reason that it had not appeared that night is because Severus Snape had not yet died. 

I often go back-and-forth between what life he might make for himself in a scenario where he survives and the wizarding community of the UK is aware of it and the ones in which he survives and fakes his death. In AUs were Snape remains in the wizarding world of the UK and people know he survived I tend to see his life as more fraught with challenges but eventually stabilizing into something better than what he had before. I suspect the people’s views of him would be something similar to what we see of the fandom, in the sense, it might be a varied mix of public acceptance, hatred, and so on. There would be people who overly romanticize him and his role during the war and, to Snape’s own chagrin, seek to make him out to be far more of a tragic victim of circumstance than he would care to be seen as (he might balk at the odd marriage offer he gets from witches in the mail, expressions of sympathy bordering more pity, and even embarrassing assumptions about his sex life and offers, should he wish it, to “lose his virginity” or find comfort in willing arms). There would be others who might urge the Ministry to bring him up on charges and revile him even in the face of Harry’s or other people’s public defense because they just refuse to believe that the man who killed Dumbledore and usurped his position as Headmaster for over a year is anything other than a villain who managed to save his own skin and pull the wool over people’s eyes. 

In the aftermath of the war, and with so much recent loss and fear, Snape would bear the brunt of their outcry for more vengeance (some with the thinly veiled prejudice that didn’t completely die with Voldemort that an “ugly half-blood who came from nothing” could have killed a great wizard like Dumbledore and fooled so many) under the guise of justice and they would project their collective trauma onto him. There would also be survivors of the war who came from families of Death Eaters and said Death Eaters who again slip away from justice that view Snape as either a traitor of the most extreme kind or as a curiosity. Was this man truly so capable an Occlumens that he could conceal from everyone, including Voldemort, his true beliefs and loyalties for so long, or had he successfully managed to play both sides of the war to secure himself a place with whichever side proved to be the victor? Ultimately, I see where his detractors would also be convinced, as many Snaters are, that whatever connection he had to Harry’s mother was something seedy and Snape would have to contend with their hatred. 

Oddly, I see him finding those who revile him easier to reconcile (aside from their assumptions about Lily and what relationship he had with her) than his “fans” who might send him love letters and cast him as some Byronic hero. Largely because he has had to contend with being loathed for much of his life and it’s familiar territory. Being made into a romantic figure or even earning the respect of some people would be new territory he would have to learn to cope with. Learning how to tell the difference between admiration and romanticization, sympathy and pity, etc., would be a rocky course to navigate. I also see a tense and uncomfortable post-war relationship with many of his colleagues at Hogwarts. Their guilt over not trusting him would be difficult for him to contend with; they only believed what he and Dumbledore intended for them to believe. I think a bitter part of him might even privately feel that the guilt some of them felt for believing the worst of him came too little too late and would have been better served during his youth when so many of them seemed to have written him off and turned a blind eye to the Marauder’s bullying. He might be more inclined to avoid those of his colleagues who insist on dwelling on their guilt and rehashing his time as Headmaster. 

For that reason, I have never seen him returning to Hogwarts as very likely. I do indulge in some thought of him and McGonagall eventually coming to an understanding after a few difficult conversations, some of which might be carried out in person over uncomfortable tea or stiffer drinks and some of which might occur through initially tense correspondences that eventually begin to veer off into more comfortable territory and lengthy discussions of topics that have nothing at all to do with the war as time passes. I also like the thought of Snape returning long enough to speak his peace to Dumbledore’s portrait. He would learn Dumbledore had tried to lay the groundwork for him to survive (he intended him to gain possession of the Elder Wand to offer him some protection and not to single him out to be killed but things did not go according to his best-laid plans); he wasn’t just a spy tossed out into the cold with no hope of being saved by a man who didn’t see him as more than a pawn in a much bigger game. Still, there are conversations that need to be had (such as why, from his perspective, Dumbledore once looked at a young Sirius Black and saw a boy who could still be saved even after his attempt at murder but could see nothing more in him than a lost cause to give up on) that Snape was unable to have with Dumbledore while he was still alive when they were still in the middle of a looming war other concerns, by necessity, took priority. 

Those conversations would be difficult and painful but Snape would find that there was still catharsis to be found in the opening of old wounds when they had been left to fester so they could properly begin to heal. In such an AU, my most self-indulgent headcanon is one where Snape learns to take the reigns on his life and become his own master; he makes peace with his demons (for the most part) and allows the ghosts of his past to finally rest. Most importantly, he begins to plan for a future that is his own and reflect on what that means for him. I imagine a Snape that becomes better adjusted (as we see in Cursed Child) in terms of how he copes with his trauma. He would retire from Hogwarts and, finally, relocate from Spinner’s End to make a quiet but contended living for himself in a more comfortable flat or cottage home full of walls lined by shelves of books by applying the knowledge he has acquired over the course of many years not as an over-worked and frustrated teacher who doesn’t enjoy directly working with a classroom but as a prolific writer of educational textbooks on everything from Potions brewing for novice to advance brewers to treaties on defenses against Dark Arts so undeniably valuable they become standard syllabus at Hogwarts and amongst would-be Aurors at the Ministry. 

In AUs where Snape leaves wizarding Britain behind him and fakes his death, the catharsis does not come easily. It’s a process of learning to accept leaving his past behind him, even if parts of it remain unresolved and open-ended, and finding peace in the new life he forges for himself. I like the idea of him leading a private life in another country. Often I imagine him in places like Tangier in Morroco, or Turkey, or Thebes in Egypt, Ethiopia, or Sudan, etc., places steeped in history or at the very cradle of civilization or in places lush with potentially useful and undiscovered species of flora, fauna, or species of magical creature that could be used in potions brewing, such as Indonesia, Malaysia, or Brunei (which share access to the rain forest in Borneo) or Brazil. In this headcanon, Snape would spend his days conducting research into obscure or ancient magical texts, studying potential new magical ingredients for potions, or even rediscovering old ways of brewing lost to many, and making a new name for himself as a talented Potioneer writing under an assumed name. 

I like to imagine this Snape as benefiting from his time outside of the UK; his skin would pick up some color from his time spent outdoors in a warmer climate and if he always remained more on the side of slender he would not be so thin as to seem malnourished. He would gain a healthy bit of mass from his ventures and while he would always be a “substance over beauty” sort, the positive benefits of this new life would be evident through the changes in his appearance and overall demeanor. Enough so that when he came across a person from his past unexpectedly while they were on vacation his appearance and general baring were so altered that they would look right past him and wouldn’t realize until many decades later (by which time Snape would have lived to a ripe old age for a wizard and they too would have begun to feel the evidence of their own advancing years), when Snape’s portrait suddenly came to life among the Hogwarts’ Headmasters and began talking, as a sudden shocking afterthought that the person they had seen had been none other than Severus Snape --wrongly presumed dead after the Battle of Hogwarts and remembered by many witches and wizards, particularly The Boy Who Lived, as the bravest man any of them had ever known. 

34. Pick out a chapstick/lipstick for Snape.

I may be breaking the rules a bit with this one but I have two answers, one serious and more thoughtful and one that just amuses me.

The serious answer is that I could headcanon Snape using a chapstick made from beeswax. It would be colorless (and if it had any flavor then he might indulge in a honey flavor or even a honey lemon flavor, which has the added bonus of being comforting and settling the stomach against any nausea) and protect his lips against chapping as a result of alternating between the colder temperatures of the dungeons and the heat of cauldron flames. This also ties into my favored headcanon of a Snape who keeps bees and finds economical uses for beeswax and honey. 

As an aside, I like using the Burt’s Bees products myself (the company does aim to be cruelty-free and doesn’t test on animals which is a deciding factor in all of the cosmetic products I purchase, although their subsidiary company Clorox, which bought them out in 2007, does do animal testing with some of their products so it’s a bit of a murky territory where you have to debate if supporting one company’s cruelty-free policies balances against the fact their parent company does do animal testing or not; additionally many of the ingredients in their products are also naturally sourced, if not vegan for those who prefer cosmetic products that are both cruelty-free and vegan) and I occasionally indulge when I can afford the extra expense, so there’s that as well. 

The funny answer is there is a brand of lipstick by Jeffree Star Cosmetics called Unicorn Blood and another by Too Faced called Unicorn Tears. Either of those sound as if they could be ingredients in a potion, so I could easily imagine our favorite Potions Master getting a sardonic kick out of using them. 

[beeblackburn]

Pretender Reads A Little Hatred, Part I, Chapter Three

Guilt really is a luxury for the living, isn’t it. Goes without saying spoilers ahead for the entirety of The First Law works beyond the keep reading. Read at your own risk.

Chapter Title: Guilt Is a Luxury Point-of-View: Rikke

The snow had all melted and left the world cold and comfortless. The icy slop that stood for ground seeped into Rikke’s boots and spattered up her sodden trousers. Cold dew dripped endlessly from the black branches, through her sopping hair, onto her soggy cloak and down her chafed back. The wet from above met the wet from below around her belt, which she’d been obliged to tighten on account of having hardly eaten anything in the three days since she killed a boy and watched her home burn.

At least it couldn’t get any worse. Or so she told herself. 

In short, it’s really goddamn cold. As an opening, it serves as a microcosm of the lack of small comforts that Rikke’s endured since watching Uffrith burn, a relentless litany of the miserable chill upon her person, but as a contrast to the Original Trilogy, it’s a difference in prose craft and characterization between our two Northern voices, from Logen’s more stripped-down viewpoint to Rikke’s longer ruminations on the comfortless environment. Just compare here:

The sky was a brilliant blue, the sun was blazing overhead. He turned his face towards it, closed his stinging eyes and let the light wash over him. The air was painful cold in his throat. Cutting cold. His mouth was dry as dust, his tongue a piece of wood, badly carved. He scooped up snow and shoved it into his mouth. It melted, he swallowed. Cold, it made his head hurt.

Whereas Abercrombie went for a more bare-bones description of how cold it is, note the repetition of cold and how the descriptions don’t quite connect as neatly here, Rikke’s descriptions have a greater sense of continuity, going more directional as she notes the dew above dripping down her hair, soaking through her cloak, then her back, then from above to down below. There’s a sense of seamless rhythm here that Abercrombie’s earlier word craft doesn’t quite have, in terms of being refined by the later books. I definitely think Logen’s more bare-bones voice in reaction to his condition is intentional, but I also think the comparison shows concretely how much he’s improved since then. 

And, character-wise, you can see the difference between the two: Logen acknowledges that things can always get worse. He’s a survivor, a hardened man who’s been through tougher and been through far blacker conditions than the cold. Rikke, though? She’s not there yet. An inexperienced naif who thinks it can’t get worse, even though past books in the Circle of the World make a point that things can always get worse, and the difference between the winners and the losers being how clear-eyed you are about taking reality as it is.

One can argue that makes Rikke less compelling compared to the savage experience Logen had, but she’s still learning, and everyone in this world learns about how this world works in full.

“Aye, and his uncle Scale Ironhand’s, and his father Black Calder’s. The thorns may scratch your downy-soft skin, but a lot shallower than their swords would.”

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! CALLED IT!!! 

CAN’T WAIT TO MEET STOUR!

On a more serious note, yeah, this makes sense on how Stour’s taking back Angland plan would have the traction it got. If Black Calder wasn’t involved, he’d plot to assassinate Stour Nightfall in a heartbeat. That being said, I wonder what made him decide to cut Bayaz’s strings now? Did he meet with King Casamir Shenkt already? If not, then Calder’s playing a hugely dangerous game, given Bayaz’s history with the North and their talk in The Heroes. 

I hope you can slither your way out of Bayaz’s wrath, Calder.

“It’s almost like an unfriendly army swarming over your land is an inconvenience in all kinds o’ ways. You’re used to reckoning the world your playground. Beset by dangers now, girl. Time to act like it.” Isern slipped on through the thicket as quick and silent as a snake, leaving Rikke to struggle after, pointlessly cursing.

She liked to think of herself as quite the rugged outdoorswoman, but in this company she was a towny oaf. Isern-i-Phail knew all the ways, that was the rumour. Even better’n her daddy had. Rikke had learned more from watching her the last couple of weeks than she had from that fool Union tutor in Ostenhorm in a year. How to build a shelter from ferns. How to set rabbit traps, even if they hadn’t worked. How to reckon your course from the way the moss grew on the tree trunks. How to tell a man from an animal in the forest just by their footfalls.

Aw, Rikke calling the Dogman daddy instead of da’ or father’s a cute detail.

This chapter really digs into how lacking Rikke’s been in real experience, giving this picture of a coddled Northern girl. And, on the one hand, that’s honestly kind of sweet: Dogman getting out of a life of relentless violence to try and give his girl the peaceful sort of upbringing he didn’t get to have, drenched in blood and the violence that comes with being the following dog to the Bloody-Nine. 

But, at the same time, life in the Circle of the World is pretty pitiless to those with illusions. As someone who’s lived through the old trilogy, but isn’t in a familial capacity like the Dogman, Isern is an old hand at how this world works, and she’s giving Rikke a crash course on how to survive it.

Union tutor, eh? I wonder if that better life for the Dogman’s daughter also included giving her an education. Though, Rikke certainly isn’t appreciating it now.

Some folk said Isern was a witch, and no doubt she’d a witchy look and a witch’s temper, but even she couldn’t magic food out of rocks and bogwater at the arse-end of winter. Sadly.

Snrrrk. I’m noticing a patterns with how much Abercrombie shades magic and magicians from other series in Rikke’s chapters. Which, you know, makes sense, given how much the Long Eye pervaded her first chapter, and I imagine that not stopping in later ones. Magic isn’t a cheat code in this world, no substitute for lived experience and knowing how to survive.

Rikke knew what folk said about her, and maybe her head didn’t have the right parts in the right places, but she’d always had a sharp eye for things. So in spite of the gloom and Isern’s nimble fingers, Rikke saw the hillwoman only ate half as much as she handed over. She saw it, and was thankful for it, and wished she had the bones to insist on fair shares, but she was just so damn hungry. She stuffed her shred of dry meat down so quickly she swallowed her chagga pellet too without even noticing.

1. That first bit makes me think of a growing thought about how Rikke could be read as neurodivergent, given the whispers and the consideration that her brain isn’t wired “right.” In some ways, I’m not entirely sure how to feel about this, considering the magic = disability trope is a thing, but I think Abercrombie’s earned enough credit in the bank, and the writing with her mundane difficulties with the Long Eye makes me feel that Rikke isn’t really written as a figure of pity as some poorly-written disability-coded characters can be, so much as someone who has to deal with the inconveniences of a mental condition, but is still their own person beyond that. 2. Awww, Isern! That’s really nice of you. Though, I will admit, what’s Isern’s skin in this game? She says it’s the Long Eye, but why not just knock Rikke out and give her to Stour’s men? Would be the selfish thing. Would be the easy thing. 3. Rikke really isn’t a bad person at heart, but, when the practicalities of hunger push us, we find it easier to lean on our self-interest to make our choices. Selfless choices are rare in this world and a good way to determine the choices of characters in this world is “how does this benefit me?” Not always, but you’ll rarely be disappointed.

While she licked the wondrous taste of stale bread from her teeth, she found she was thinking of that lad she shot. That bit of dyed cloth around his scrawny neck, like mothers give sons to keep the cold off. That hurt, confused look he’d had. The same look she used to have, maybe, when the other children laughed at her twitching.

Man, Rikke really is a soft person and it’s such a tonal contrast from Logen’s “welp, I didn’t really have a choice, best not think on those I killed” attitude towards killing. The difference between lived experience is a chasm between them. An evil older man in a harsh world, and a decent younger woman in it.

Also, I know a friend similar to Rikke, who’s got a mental condition. It inconveniences her more often than not, and she’s not particularly happy about it, but, at the same time, she was born with it and she appreciates all the people in her life that don’t define her by her disability.

And when I read that last part, my heart hurts for Rikke. And my mouth tells those children to fuck off.

“I killed that lad.” And she sniffed up a noseful of cold snot and spat it away.

“Aye.” Isern trimmed off a chagga pellet and stuck it behind her lip. “You killed him all to bits, and robbed everyone who knew him, and cut all the good he might ever do out of the world.”

Rikke blinked. “Well, you’re the one split his skull!”

“That was a mercy. He’d have drowned on your arrow for sure.”

Oh, Rikke. I get the defensiveness, I do, but Isern’s right in that you effectively killed him first, so don’t deflect the blame there. Sure, it might’ve been an accident, but sometimes, intentions don’t mean anything to the reality of actions. Just ask Khalul.

“Deserving won’t make much difference to an arrow. The best defence against arrows is not a life nobly lived but to be the one who shoots them, d’you see?” Isern sat back against her, smelling of sweat and earth and chewed chagga. “They were your father’s enemies. Our enemies. Wasn’t as if there was any other choice.”

The difference between the killer and the killed, the hunter and the hunted, the living and the dead in this world.

Rikke hunched into her cold cloak and her bleak mood. “No justice, is there? For him or for me. Just a world that looks the other way and doesn’t care a shit about either one of us.”

This chapter is basically The First Law 101, one of the fundamental truths of the Circle of the World: the world is full of shit, and the people living in it just have to make the best of it through the eyes of a naif who wishes she didn’t have to kill to preserve herself. Someone like Logen would’ve given up on the idea of existential justice or wishing things were better, he’s long past that point. 

Rikke still wishes for that, and it’s a heavy feeling borne from her youth.

She felt Isern’s hand firm on her shoulder, and was grateful for it. “If killing folk ever starts to feel right, you’ve a worse kind of problem. Guilt can sting, but you should be thankful for it.”

“Thankful?”

“Guilt is a luxury reserved for those still breathing and with no unbearable pain, cold or hunger demanding all their fickle attention. Long as guilt’s your big problem, girl …” Rikke saw the faint gleam of Isern’s teeth in the gathering darkness. “Things can’t be that bad.”

In short, “I am still alive.” When you’re alive, you can feel all these emotions, you have the luxury of guilt. Because once you go through the Last Door, meet the Great Leveller, guilt’s your last worry. So, at the very least, be grateful to be alive. Because there are some who don’t get to be grateful, especially the corpses you made to keep yourself breathing.

She slapped Rikke’s thigh and gave a witchy cackle, and maybe there was some magic in it after all because Rikke cracked her first smile in a day or two, and that made her feel just a bit better. Your best shield is a smile, her father always said.

Awww! This is so much more emotionally warm than Logen’s first few chapters, trying to survive in the bitter cold. And I love how, after a dig against fantasy’s penchant for easy magic, Abercrombie flips it, giving a sort of magic to just these mundane gestures. Abercrombie’s gotten more optimistic as the series went on, and I just smile at how much it’s carried over to the official start of the new trilogy. There’s a sweetness to this I adore after the first trilogy’s more cynical touch.

“Why haven’t you just left me behind?” she asked.

“I gave my word to your da.”

“Aye, but everyone says you’re the most untrustworthy bitch in the whole North.”

“No one should know better than you what the things everyone says are worth. Truth is, I only care about keeping my word to folk I like. I seem untrustworthy because there are only seven of those outside the hills.” She made a fist of her tattooed hand, trembling tight. “To those seven, I am a rock.”

Rikke swallowed. “You like me, then?”

“Meh.” Isern opened her blue fist and shook out the fingers with a clicking of knuckles. “About you, I remain to be convinced, but I like your father and I gave him my word. That I’d try to put an end to your fits and coax your Long Eye open and bring you back to him still breathing. The small matter of an invasion may have nudged him out of Uffrith, but the commitment still stands, far as I’m concerned, wherever Stour Nightfall’s bastards might’ve driven him off to.” Her eyes flickered to Rikke, cunning as a fox that sees the coop unguarded. “But I’ll admit I’ve a selfish reason, too, which is a good thing for you, since selfish reasons are the only reasons you should trust.”

“What reason?”

Isern opened her eyes very wide so they bulged from her filthy face. “Because I know there’s a better North waiting. A North free of the grip of Scale Ironhand, and the one who pulls his strings, Black Calder, and the one who pulls his strings even. A North free for everyone to choose their own way.” Isern leaned close in the darkness. “And your Long Eye will pick out our path to it.”

Hah! Setting up the joke, only to deliver that “Meh” punchline. Perfect.

Well! That explains why Isern hasn’t abandoned Rikke yet. Though, frankly, that’s pretty non-selfish as far as motives go, Isern. You’re a nicer person than you give yourself credit for. Few of the characters in the first trilogy gave a shit about their countries in terms of better. I think only Jezal did, by the end, and... well. We all know that sad story in the end.

Though, whoa, does Isern know about Bayaz? Or is she just smart enough to realize Calder’s got strings around him, just like everyone else? Intriguing...

And I have to laugh a little about this ending. Isern’s sentiment’s in earnest, don’t get me wrong, but at the same, this feels like the typical “protagonist with magical gifts is set-up for a huge destiny” and... well, we all know Abercrombie doesn’t entirely roll that way. His character and genre deconstruction work is way too notable for him to play that sort of trope entirely straight and I relish that expectation coming true.

In short, this chapter is definitely a bit more light-weight than the others I’ve read, but it definitely serves a crucial purpose: The First Law 101, the Lesson. Imparting to a new reader, unfamiliar with this world, that this is how the Circle of the World works, but also, for old readers, pointing out that we’re getting different blood fore-running our stories, a huge difference from Logen’s world-weary mindset. 

And, I got to say, it’s a lovely contrast so far! It only makes me like Rikke all the more, as she wrestles with her guilt and the reality that the world doesn’t care for her guilt. Her first steps in being a survivor. And Isern really helps bring out the naivete in her, but there’s also a splash of character, both wild and warm, in her that makes it a more winning combination than the first trilogy’s Logen-Quai roadtrip duo.

PART I

Chapter One: Blessings and Curses Chapter Two: Where the Fight’s Hottest Chapter Three: Guilt Is a Luxury Chapter Four: Keeping Score Chapter Five:  A Little Public Hanging Chapter Six: The Breakers Chapter Seven: The Answer to Your Tears Chapter Eight: Young Heroes Chapter Nine: The Moment

[bxstiae]

⚜ ; [ GANONDORF'S DEMISE / HC.3  ] WORLDBUILDING │ META

i honestly didn’t know how to go about this making this mainly because there’s so much to talk about for this topic. while i want to talk about ganondorf’s demise in Twilight Princess & the after effects of it, i should also point that that if affects link a lot more than it should -- mainly because it has to deal with the triforce of power and ‘the brand.’ let it be known, link is severely affected by the battle of ganon & absolutely has survivor’s guilt from it. 

first & foremost: i do NOT support ganon as a character for is he absolute EVIL & only wants to conquer the light. he is an antagonist! and if you think i support the antagonist, then please go to a corner to think about what you just assumed. I do not support him!!! but that doesn’t mean that i don’t consider him an important character. he is! he is one of the primary 3 of the triforce, without him, you cannot have the link or zelda. now, without further ado, let me get into this.

ganondorf could be considered a victim of circumstance if you look at it. no, i don’t think he should be pitied, but just consider everybody in the triforce:

link → courage zelda → wisdom ganondorf → power

each one has something special about them, which i will go into some other time, but for the sake of this headcanon, lets look at ganon. ganon is the wielder of power: he represents it! therefore he seeks out only to defend what he represents. Just look what he says in Twilight Princess:

"Your people have long amused me, Midna. To defy the gods with such petty magic, only to be cast aside… How very pathetic. Pathetic as they were, though, they served me well. Their anguish was my nourishment. Their hatred bled across the void and awakened me. I drew deep of it and grew strong again. Your people had some skill, to be sure…but they lacked true power. The kind of absolute power that those chosen by the gods wield. He who wields such power would make a suitable king for this world, don’t you think?"

just look at the fact that while ganon represents power, he also can represent pain, anger, & anguish. zelda, in a way, is supposed be the middle ground, while link is supposed to represent hope. ganon is fear. it’s also important to note that ganon is considered very unlucky in many cases. both zelda & ganon remember their incarnations -- this is a given for ganon because he literally says the following: "Do not think that this ends here... the history of light and shadow will be written in blood!" he knows they are constantly reborn. & zelda knows because she’s the representative of wisdom. link is the only one who is lucky to not remember is past incarnations. it’s set like that for a reason. because he cannot be tainted with the past. he cannon have doubt in his actions, he can only live in the moment. but i dirgess. back to the point: ganon is power, therefore is power-hungry. & he remembers all of his past lives and how he was foiled by link. 

ganon is a man of pride. there is nothing like that, but he resents link because link has it all. link has the god’s gift but link is also loved. link is incredibly humble. he doesn’t know the pains of royalty, he doesn’t know what it’s like living on the streets. he’s been lucky to be raised by people who care for him -- he grows up innocent. ganon doesn’t have that luxury, so yes, he resents link for what link has. but consider this: the brand is both a blessing & a curse. 

they will always be stuck in a battle with each other for all eternity. Their lives are intertwined forevermore. so while ganon spends his lives knowing his past ones, and spends each life trying to take what is always taken from him, link goes in not realising any of this. link legitimately goes in 100% blind at the fact that he will take what ganondorf struggles to have. & in the moment, link is only doing what he thinks is right. he has to take down ganondorf to protect hyrule. he has to. He’s never given a choice: he is told. 

he’s told by the spirits. he’s told by midna. he’s told by zelda. he’s told by everybody. the goddess hylia herself is telling him to because he has to. yet.... while he never questions the WHY, he does feel a sort of emptiness when everything is all said and done. after all, he took down one of the pieces of triforce. he’s fufilled his task, yes, but.... at what cost?

for link, it feels like he’s taken a part of himself too.

( never mind the fact that midna also goes home too and destroys the mirror of twilight as well, that’s another piece of him taken, but i’m focusing on the triforce here )

consider this: link had to kill a man that was like him.

there are only three people that can relate with one another in hyrule: link, zelda, & ganon. even more so with ganon than zelda tbh. like ganon, link still has to go through trials. link can relate to ganon because link has to go through a lot to prove his worth. he’s not given anything like zelda and ganon, and like ganon, link struggles.

so after he kills him.... he realises what he’s just done. he’s killed somebody who was pretty much like him. both are bearers of the brand, but they both didn’t have it easy ( not like zelda ).  he doesn’t realise this like immediately. no, he realises it after the fact. it eats at him. link has seen a lot and has witnessed death, but it’s ganondorf’s death that hits him the most. & yes, he feels somehwat GUILTY that he had to go & kill the only person that could understand him.

honestly, somebody told me that link looks so sad all the time. yes! he is actually! aside from being so absolutely tired & often times grumpy, he very much is sad. he feels used. he’s no longer innocent from the cruelness of life. he sees the world for what it is. the world is not nice. nothing is easy, & you have to sacrifice so much to obtain happiness. but in the end was it worth it? for link: no. 

link is not happy. at all. yes, he’s glad that the people he cares about are safe. he’s glad that the world isn’t ending. but he cannot go back to his normal life in the village as a ranch hand. he was ripped from that life & he cannot go back for the fact that he has all this experience under his belt now. he’s restless, tired, sad, & feels really empty. 

his heart is broken in more ways than one. he lost his best friend -- a friend that he didn’t really know he had or loved until she left and destroyed the only thing to visit her. he lost somebody who could have been a mentor of sorts. ganon could have been a friend to him absolutely, he could have been a teacher ( if he wasn’t such an asshole ). but that didn’t happen cause he had to kill him. he lost a bit of trust in zelda for the fact that she just let things happen & never told him anything. link is extremely jaded after everything & built his walls incredibly high up because he’s just afraid of getting hurt again. note: afraid, not scared! there’s anxiety in him that he’ll lose more of himself. 

lets also not mention that his entire journey was hell. he’s been poisoned, electrocuted, burned, etc.... like as much as he has a high pain tolerance, he’s had many moments where he could have died if it were not for the fairies and midna. not to mention that people have mistaken him for a monster too -- he doesn’t have self-esteem issues, but its given way to the fact that he finds hylians are extremely ungrateful. 

he feels that at this point,nobody really understands him. which sucks cause not only does he suffer from survivor’s guilt, i would say that he has a mild case of ptsd as well. he doesn’t sleep well anymore. he relives his battle with ganon all the time ( ganon image seems to torment him constantly ). he panics when he considers what would have happened if he just let ganon go too. link is not pure anymore. yes, he still represents hope, and yet, he can’t help but to look at things from a neutral stance.at the end of the game. link does, in fact, go from a neutral good to a lawful neutral position.

in a way, it’s all thanks to ganon. his death/end changed link. honestly, i would want to say its for the better. link isn’t a child anymore, & you can thank ganondorf for that. 

[rickyriddle]

AnR characters mental issues

Hi there! I made several AnR analysis and for most characters, I ended up diagnosing them a mental disorder or illness. So I decided to do the same for each character. Keep in mind that I’m not a psychiatrist so I might be wrong on certain stuff, but I tried my best to be accurate.

Azuma Tokaku - Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD)

In the series, Tokaku showed signs of having a PTSD. She went through a traumatic event as a child, which is to witness the murder of her aunt by the hand of her grandmother. It mixed with the words her aunt told her before dying, that she can’t kill because her mother is watching her. The traumatic events mixed with those words and are both parts of her PTSD, which is being triggered by the thought of killing. When she tried to kill Isuke the first time, she froze. When she threatened to kill Kouko, she started shaking. But when she finally remember and understood the cause of it, Tokaku managed to overcome it. Another thing Tokaku might have is Schizoid Personality Disorder, which would explain her emotionless nature and lack of social interest.

Inukai Isuke - Childhood trauma

Isuke experience trauma in her childhood that still has an effect on her behaviour as an adult. As a child, she was highly neglected and have to witness her brother died due to this. Her family was poor and nearly died because of the lack of money. It explains why Isuke is so obsessed with money, it isn’t just because she’s greedy, but because to her money is literally a matter of life and death. Behind that greedy and selfish attitude, Isuke simply wants to not be in the same situation as before or see another person she cares about suffering the same fate as her brother (reasons why she wants to offer money to her adoptive parents). A lot of people think that Isuke is a narcissist, but she isn’t. Narcissistic people care about their image, the way people view them. Isuke doesn’t care about what others think of her. She’s simply a self-centred person who have a high esteem of herself.

If you’re interested in more information, here’s an Isuke analysis I made.

Kaminaga Kouko - Inferiority complex

Kouko’s past and behaviour indicated a potential inferiority complex. As a child, she was bullied and made fun of, and her group treat her as a failure. As a teenager, Kouko seeks positions of power, she wants to be the class representative and even call herself “leader of everything”. This could be a way to cope with her feeling of inferiority (so like a superiority complex hiding an inferiority complex). Her group made her felt like she worth less than the other members, giving her a feeling of being inferior and the need to prove it isn’t the case by asserting her authority and proclaiming herself as the leader. It’s her way to deal with the feeling of inferiority. She could also have a form of survivor guilt, feeling that she should be the one of having died instead of Irena, feeling guilty over her death and again, related to her inferiority complex, believing that Irena was superior to her and deserved to live more than her.

Kirigaya Hitsugi - Pathological liar

Hitsugi lies on a daily basis. Her entire persona is a lie. Acting like an innocent child just to deceive others. We don’t know for how long Hitsugi is an assassin, but since’s the ace of an organization at such a young age, we can assume she was one since an early age. So she was raised and train to be a liar, someone who can trick others. Lying is part of her life, it’s natural for her. She usually doesn’t feel guilty for lying, but she did with Chitaru since she loves her. But it didn’t stop her from lying to her for such a long time. And even after the series, if we view the official doujins KnR as canon, Hitsugi continues to lie to Chitaru to keep her by her side. Hitsugi is a liar by nature and would be really hard for her to stop. Also show low self-esteem after meeting Chitaru, who made her realize how terrible she is, even comparing herself to a bug.

Kenmochi Shiena - Low self-esteem

I’ll start by saying that I think Shiena had absent parents in her life, and that’s the reason why instead of seeking help from them when she was bullied, she seeks help from people she met on the internet. If you don’t feel loved by your parents, chances are that will screw your esteem of yourself. But that’s more of a headcanon so let’s go with canon facts. When she was being bullied, Shiena kind of blame herself, wondering if she did something wrong. Bullying can cause someone to have low self-esteem. If we view KnR as canon, then Shiena isn’t an actual assassin. So we have a normal girl entering a deadly competition with real assassins. Looks like a desperate tentative to feel useful and have validation from her group. Why? To give herself more self-esteem because she lacks it. After being poisoned by Hitsugi and failed Class Black in KnR epilogue, Shiena showed a lot of self-hatred, viewing herself as a failure. It could only be because she failed, but that seemed pretty intense and might be how she usually feel when she doesn’t have her source of validation and self-worth (Collective Dismissal).

If you’re interested in more information, I made a Shiena analysis. It’s kind of old but it explains my headcanon regarding her past with her parents.

Sagae Haruki - Self-Sacrificing

This is not an actual personality disorder, but this is still an issue. Haruki is extremely self-sacrificing when it comes to her family. She put there well being before her, is ready to do anything for them, even committing murder, someone Haruki doesn’t like. She’s sacrificing her integrity for their sake. And it went as far as planning to die for them. But she seems to get better after the series, having a normal job and planning to send her siblings to school, so it’s possible that she overcame this issue. Maybe it’s because of what Haru told her after she failed, and her relationship with Isuke. Isuke could have taught her to be more selfish sometimes and give her a reason to stay alive and take care of herself.

Shutou Suzu - Melancholia

After living such a long life in which she lost all her love and is condemned to continue losing anyone she gets attached to, it would make sense for Suzu to have melancholic tendencies. A depressed state in which she’s sadly dreamy. Missing the past, wishing to be with her loved ones again, keep playing shogi which reminded her of her past lover. Suzu is not suicidal but she does wish to die. She wants to be cured of her illness and dies a natural death like her past lover did. I wouldn’t say Suzu is in deep depression, but she does strike me as someone melancholic. The fact she wishes for death is an indicator of it and the fact she was forced to outlive everyone she cared about.

Takechi Otoya - Psychopathy

Oh boy, this one… I’ll try to not be too long since I’m actually obsessed with that. So, Otoya exhibits a lot of psychopathic traits. Lack of empathy, charismatic, pathological liar, remorseless, deceitful, a bully. I actually don’t think someone who acts the way she does and commit the actions she made can be something other than a psychopath. May also possess psychotic tendencies, which would explain why she’s unstable and impulsive than a regular psychopath. Ah, and also a sadist and erotophonophile (lust murder, the sexual arousal when committing murder).

If you’re interested in more information, I made an analysis of Otoya’s mental condition.

Namatame Chitaru - White Knight Syndrome

Took me a while to diagnosed her something. So WKS, more common in men but can also affect women. Chitaru is a really chivalrous person who naturally wants to help and protect the weak. Just look at how she stuck to Hitsugi, who physically looks like the weakest of Class Black. She also said that she was worried about Haru. Chitaru is taking extreme measure to avenge a person whom she met only once, for the sake of her teacher (to avenge her daughter). Chitaru is a person of justice, chivalrous, who protect the weak and fight bad people (not sure but I think she’s a vigilante assassin). She probably can’t help protecting those she views as more vulnerable and is ready to go as far as murder to achieve that.

Hashiri Nio - Sociopathy

Do not be mixed with psychopathy. Psychopaths are born that way, sociopaths are made. A rough childhood and being used to criminality at a young age can cause someone to grow as a sociopath. Considering that Nio was raised to be an assassin and how she was treated, it does make sense. She also displays sociopathic traits such as lack of empathy, cruelty, deceitful, hatred for others, fake persona. Sounds awfully similar to psychopathy uh? Well, both are actually the same disorder, Antisocial Personality Disorder. The mains differences being the source and the fact sociopaths are capable of genuine love and bonding with others, like with Yuri.

If you’re interested in more information, I made a Nio analysis. 

Hanabusa Sumireko - Megalomania

We have here a girl who is obsessed with power an being a queen. Good recipe for a megalomaniac. It's also known as grandiose delusion. People with this delusions often overestimate their own capacities, and have an immoderate desire for power. Can be caused by a lack of affection and low self-esteem, and given Sumireko’s past, she probably felt those two as a child, being constantly attacked and feeling weak enough to make the doctor cut off her limbs to replace them with cybernetic limbs. Sumireko doesn’t want to feel weak ever again thus is seeking for power, which developed into megalomania and the idea that she’s a queen.

If you’re interested in more information, I made a Sumireko analysis.

Banba Mahiru/Shinya - Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID)

This one is actually 100% canon. Dissociative Identity Disorder, also known as split personality. I mean, there’s no need to really debate on it, it clearly shows in the series she has that. DID can be caused by childhood trauma, which Banba suffered. DID can also come with other illnesses and disorders, such as PTSD, psychosis, schizophrenia, anxiety. And through the series, Banba showed signs to possess them all. She has a PTSD triggered by light, she’s disconnected from reality, she hears voices in her head (when one can hear the other personality), and is always showed to be nervous and anxious. This character is the only one I’m certain the author actually made researches about DID to create her because this is just so realistic and spot on.

If you’re interested in more information, I made a Banba analysis.

Ichinose Haru - Autism Spectrum Disorder

This one may surprise depending on your knowledge of autism. I’m autistic myself and I believe Haru is on the autistic spectrum. Most autistic people are introvert, but it doesn’t mean that extrovert autist doesn’t exist. I know a few IRL that are quite extrovert and really social. Autistic people are often naive and incapable of being malicious. It’s also hard for them to mix emotion and rationality. When Haru is being emotional she often acts irrationally, but when she’s being colder and less emotional she can be quite rational. Autistic people can also more easily deal with trauma, and Haru, despite her really traumatic past is still optimistic and positive. She also seems to lack basic social skills which make her kind of socially awkward, like she’s trying too hard. Like she’s being too friendly. Autistic people also often have an obsession, a restricted interest. Haru probably didn’t have the chance to develop one, given her past, but according to her info her hobby is crafting and she did show that she’s fond of that, with the strap she made.

Yuri Meichi - Superiority complex

She may not be in Class Black but I believe she deserves to be on that list. Given her past and how powerful she is (let’s not forget Yuri won her Class Black in 6 days), Yuri probably feel above others, like she’s superior to them. This feeling causes her to have really low empathy for others since she views them as beneath her. She has no sympathy for Haru when she’s having a mental breakdown, she had no issues beating Nio has a child. And if we consider KnR as canon, then she also has a sexual relationship with Nio, which is, considering their ages, illegal. Yuri acts as if she’s above everything, even the law (well she technically is, given the fact her clan control the world) and morality. She also seems to treat others as tools. Some of those are psychopathic traits, but I don’t think she’s a psychopath. She’s most likely the result of her childhood, being a powerful queen bee, she’s just too used to control others which make her feel superior to them and view them as tools.

If you’re interested in more information, I made a Yuri analysis.

That will be all for this analysis. I hope you liked it and thanks for reading. If you have any opinions you want to share with me feel free, either you agree or disagree with me.

[ariannjs]

MORNINGS | A SasuSaku FanFic (One Shot)

The light seeping through the Venetian blinds caused Sasuke to slowly open his eyes. On most days, the sudden welcoming of the sun's heat and rays after a good night's rest would normally irritate him and give him a struggle to regain a good mood throughout the day. But today was one of those days that he's not on a longterm mission in any of the hidden villages. He's sleeping with the comfort of a mattress and not in a forest or a cave. He's in his safe place. He's in his home.

Groggily, he tried to sit up, only to lie back down on the bed again when he noticed some weight on his chest and caught sight of pink tresses sprawled on it. He then realized that his wife was beside him, nestled in his arm with her head resting on his chest peacefully, and her arm just right above his torso. He smiled.

Waking up in a home with any loved ones, let alone waking up next to someone just like this, wasn't something Sasuke had been accustomed to ever since the slaughter of his entire clan. Yet, Sakura's presence beside him was an impactful reminder that he's not alone anymore unlike pretty much majority of his life. Just the fact that his former teammate and childhood lover is present in his life even after everything he had gone through brought a drastic change to his lifestyle as the "lone Uchiha survivor", for finally, there's someone that he could go home to, someone eagerly supporting him on his decisions, someone lovingly correcting him when he makes the wrong ones, someone comforting him in his physical and emotional pains, and someone with whom he could rebuild the Uchiha clan out of love with.

Staring at her, it dawned on him how all his loneliness for how many years due to the absence of a family had gone down the drain; and truly, in her presence, there is fullness of joy that he has never had before.

Sasuke took the liberty of gently stroking his wife's pink locks, careful not to wake her up knowing that she had a tiresome shift in the hospital the night before. He rolled his eyes at the memory of hearing young girls bully Sakura about how weird her hair color was back when they were kids. Sure, having hair that rivals the color and beauty of Cherry Blossoms was peculiar, but to him, it was peculiar in a good way, just like how everything was suddenly extraordinary ever since Sakura came into his solitary life when they were genins in Team 7.

Furthermore, when he finally returned her feelings for him and eventually asked her to marry him, he learned to appreciate how all things were made new in this new life he's surrendered to. It's so much unlike what was usual in his life, yet it was as special as his wife's pink hair. For once, there was affirmation that he's always desired from his father, tenderness comparable with that of his mother, and relentless love he had never experienced since the death of his brother – all, and so much more, encompassed in just a single person. Even though he was robbed of the bliss of having a family for so many years, Sakura was the proof that one could start anew, and that a once pitch-black life could still be filled with all the colors of the spectrum.

Stirring in her sleep, Sakura tightened her embrace to her husband. Sasuke couldn't help but be amused. Even in his wife's sleep, the warmth of her touch was inevitable. Hers were the only close physical contacts he tolerated and eventually got used to since they were still genins. With his common reticence to people when they try to be close to him, it was kind of an unspoken rule that if you aren't Sakura, you have to back off.

Sasuke subsequently pulled his wife closer while a mental image of that time he had an unprecedented rampage due to his curse seal appeared in his mind. It was Sakura's sudden embrace to his uncontrollably enraged self that made his almost too frozen heart due to hatred and desire for revenge melt in place, slowly causing the curse mark to diminish in the process. With that bittersweet memory, he realized how her every touch affects him like a consuming fire that devours every negative thing inside him. And it was through it that he knew, although it was quite too impossible to believe back then, that he still had a tinge of hope for salvation because someone was willing to take his pain away from him even though she could be hurt in the process.

He had mixed emotions when he felt how his and Sakura's breathing seemed in sync while they were lying beside each other, one fully awake, and one still savoring her time in the dreamland. Feeling the rise and fall of his wife's chest reminded him of the fact that if Itachi didn't spare him when he had no other choice but to cause the bloodbath of their clan, he wouldn't even be breathing right now. There were times that he wished Itachi just finished him off as well so he didn't have to go through a depressing childhood that led to his agonizing journey for revenge – a journey that only filled him with bitterness, regrets, guilt, and shame in the end. It was kind of tempting for Sasuke to settle on the thought that he was better off dead just like the rest of his clan; still, somewhere at the back of his mind, he believed that there's a purpose why he was spared to continue living. It was a struggle to figure out what it was at first, but he eventually learned that this reason for living includes seeing his own family breathing and making sure that they are living a life away from any kind of danger.

His gaze then focused intently on Sakura as he continued to observe the subtle movement of her respiration. For a moment, the displeasing memory of him almost bringing her to the point of her last breathe through a technique their sensei taught him just so he could protect his comrades resurfaced in his mind. He sighed at the thought. It was one of those many things he had regretted in the past. And now, seeing how the fact that he's still alive despite the many opportunities he could've been dead has led him to Sakura, who eventually became his wife and the new matriarch of the Uchiha clan, caused him to fully understand how one's life should not be taken for granted. He knew that despite any circumstance in life, there's a purpose why we're still breathing and we should live for that.

"You've been staring."

Sasuke was too caught up in his trail of thoughts that the woman he was pondering about was already looking up at him without him realizing. "Hn. Good morning." He smirked, allowing his mismatched eyes to meet with her viridian ones.

"Good morning, Anata." Sakura tilted her head towards him and met his gaze again after a short yawn escaped her lips, voice still a bit hoarse from her deep sleep. "What are you thinking about?"

He fixed his soft gaze on her eyes before answering, "You."

Even until now, Sasuke couldn't fathom what exactly Sakura saw in him that made her fall in love with him ever since they were young. Those beautiful emerald eyes were the same ones that adored his handsome face, yet also saw through his awful flaws. He used to think that just like every other girl who used to throw themselves at him, Sakura would just see and appreciate his good side, but it amazes him how despite the fact that his dark side was pretty much exposed to her, she was there for him to care for him nevertheless. Before he left the Leaf for the first time, he found it hard to believe that what she had for him was more than just a mere crush. It was only after the war that he got to realize the truth in this – she genuinely loves him, even at the cost of her own life.

How could such eyes see him with love at his most unlovable state? How could such eyes see him with compassion when all that he carried and passed on throughout his younger years was hatred? How could such eyes see him with hope to still arrive to a best version of himself even after seeing his worst? Maybe he'll never know.

"Me? Why?" Sakura snuggled closer to him and smiled.

It's been years since she said "yes" and "I do" to him but her smile still has the tendency to make Sasuke's heart run a hundred miles. He was quite self-conscious with how she could possibly hear his heartbeat now considering how her head was on his chest. Nonetheless, he remembered how she smiled at him through the tears after that time he apologized for everything he had done to her while she was healing him after the war. It was through that sincere smile that he felt the forgiveness he knew he didn't deserve. It still blows his mind how someone he had hurt so much could smile at him like that, and how someone he had pushed away again and again could give him a welcoming and accepting smile every time he sees her. Forgiveness was something he didn't expect to receive after all the wrong deeds he has committed, yet, Sakura was the symbol of that undeserved favor he gained. Because of her, he knew he is loved, accepted, and forgiven. And he'll always be grateful for her.

He shook his head at all the assorted thoughts lingering in his mind on such an early morning. There's no doubt that the past couple of minutes had made him appreciate Sakura all the more. Realizing how there's so many inexplicable things about his wife that he couldn't completely describe into words, he beamed back at her and cupped her cheek.

"I'm just in awe of you, that's all." And then he inclined his head towards her for a kiss, only to be blocked by Sakura's palm on his face.

She had a horrified look on her face before she said, "I haven't brushed my teeth yet!"

Sasuke rolled his eyes in feigned annoyance. All the wonderful things aforementioned could describe his wife, but sometimes, she's still annoying. It's not like they haven't kissed the moment they woke up before. "Like I care."

"Okay! I'm just teasing you." Sakura giggled at her husband and soon allowed him to capture her lips.

While their lips were moving in sync, Sasuke pondered, If I didn't accept her love for me, and I didn't acknowledge my feelings for her, I guess I'd still be alone, empty, and stuck in the past while living without a purpose. Would that, however, be the kind of future I'd want myself to have? He chuckled inwardly. Definitely not.

He pulled away and stared at his wife once more as his two fingers planted a soft poke on her forehead. As much as he wanted to be home more than usual, he knew he could only treasure times like this whenever he's home and keep them etched in his memory while he's not around. Surely, he wouldn't trade waking up on mornings beside his favorite kunoichi, his former teammate, and now, his wife for anything in the world.

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© October 2018 AriannJS

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Hey guys! What struck you the most in this entry? Reviews and comments are welcome!  Like what I do? Please consider supporting me on ko-fi as I continue to write fictions and make song covers! A cup of coffee would be a big encouragement! :)

Thanks & God bless!

– A

🤗🌸

[toycarousel]

If this ask makes you uncomfortable in any way please don’t answer it, I just need an outside opinion on this situation and you’re always level headed. My family and parents have always been really abusive towards me, not physically but emotionally. I’ve started feeling bad for hating them and what they’ve done, and I’m just not sure if it’s the past abuse surfacing and making me feel guilty for having feelings again. Any thoughts on how to deal with this since the abusers aren’t in my life now?

Sorry about the delay in responding here, Anon!!!!! Your ask didn’t make me uncomfortable at all, I was just having an especially rough few weeks and wanted proper time to think through all of what you’ve said here… I can only imagine what it would be like to have grown up surrounded by people who emotionally abused you, especially people who should be trustworthy, like family members… it’s always okay to feel the way that you do about this, and the guilt response is completely understandable, since emotional abuse does tend to lead to persistent feelings of guilt and/or shame!   

Personally, I strongly suspect that the abuse could very well have made it so that you feel guilty about your feelings towards your family and parents, even though you have every right to feel the way you do about them! I believe that the abuse you suffered was likely designed (by your abusers) to cause those exact sorts of emotions, and those kinds of doubts in yourself and in what all you’re “allowed” to feel… and I want you to know that whatever they said and did to you wasn’t your fault.  No matter what all occurred, you don’t ever deserve to be abused.

Emotional abuse often does this to a person… so often, abusers make it so that we don’t trust our own emotions as being fair, or valid, and we even question our basic right to have them.  That’s my perspective, so remember that your own thoughts and feelings about this situation ultimately matter the most.  More than anyone else’s wrt this situation!

Hatred is a very intense emotion, and a very complex one (an emotion made up of multiple emotions, as well as factors and sensations).  However, like all emotions, it serves a distinct and important purpose.  Imo, it’s related to disgust, which is something humans adapted to have in order to keep us safe (repelled from) potentially nasty situations – like being poisoned by insects/spiders, for example.  If most ppl didn’t have a fear/disgust reaction to scary-looking insects, we might not stay away from them, might get bitten, might get poisoned.  The same goes for People and Situations, imo (this is conjecture on my part, just to be transparent).  I believe that if we didn’t feel hatred/disgust ever, then we wouldn’t know what sorts of behaviours, interpersonal situations, and even which people are bad for us! 

That being said, because hatred is such an intense emotion, it can burn us from the inside out after a while… it’s a powerful emotion/sensation, meant to tell us that these people hurt us, their behaviour toward us was not okay, and it alerts (and immediately urges) us to get away from these people and situations before our health suffers! But it’s not something that’s meant to be sustained.  

This is important though: The absence of hatred is not forgiveness.

Moving forward from hatred actually more typically involves first letting ourselves have that hatred.  Let yourself recognize that what your family did was wrong, the abuse was wrong, and you have every right to feel angry, and to hate them! Feel it, acknowledge it, talk to other people about it (reach out, always), work through it at your own pace, and let it pass when it will.  

Like I said though, the absence of hatred is not forgiveness.  It might look like that for some people, who choose to forgive their abusers and that’s fine too, but it’s not 100% necessary for healing, and it’s not everyone’s path – that’s okay.  That never makes someone a bad person.  Everyone copes differently.  

However, you don’t have to ever forgive your family – and related to that; the absence of hatred is not liking or trusting your abusers either.  You never have to like your family ever again.  You never have to trust your family ever again.

And I’m relieved that you’re not living with them anymore, Anon!!! That’s a massive first step in learning about yourself, and learning how to cope with the shame and guilt that you feel, despite you being the one who was hurt.  Imo, your family members should be feeling shame and guilt for what they did.  That’s not saying that it’s wrong for you to feel shame or guilt either, though – not because you deserve to feel that way (you don’t), but because there is no one “right” way for you to feel in general, you know? This was something that was done to you.  It was out of your control, and was your family’s fault, full stop.  But abuse is confusing sometimes, and I know what it’s like to feel guilt and/or shame for things that were done to me, things that were other people’s fault and related to other ppl’s bad intentions, but that still somehow managed to make me feel like a bad person.  I completely get that.

It’s okay to let yourself admit to your emotions, and to let yourself have them, while also holding onto the knowledge that you didn’t do anything wrong, and you’re not doing anything wrong now.  I believe that you can discover where the guilt is stemming from, right to its core (exact events and instances of abuse, exact words that come into your mind when you feel especially guilty and ashamed), and learn how to work through those thoughts and emotions, and truly come to terms with what happened.

I believe you can live happily, without guilt, and – in addition to holding onto the knowledge that you were not in the wrong – that someday you’ll feel that truth in your heart.  It can take some time to genuinely feel like it’s okay to have our own emotions, hatred included, and that they don’t make us bad people.  So for the record here, you’re not a bad person, Anon.  And I get the strong sense that you’ve come very, very far, and that you’ve had to be very, very brave.

I’ve got some links below wrt how to cope with things like guilt and shame, and other post-abuse experiences.  I hope some of them are helpful for you, but regardless of whether they are or not, always feel free to ask for more resources, to talk to me, to vent – anything you want, whenever you want! It often takes me a long time to answer messages, as I’m sure you’ve noticed.  :’) But I am listening to you, and I do want to help in any way possible, during those times when I’m able to! I’m hoping for the best, Anon.  : D 

Links below:

https://www.mentalhelp.net/articles/after-the-abuse-has-ended/ (a very basic and short article – I’m not sure how helpful it’ll be, but it does seem to offer some genuinely valuable insight!)

https://www.elephantjournal.com/2014/01/7-steps-to-heal-from-emotional-verbal-abuse-keith-molyneaux/ (I know this is a new-agey site, and you might not be into all that, but the article itself seems like it contains some good self reminders~!)

https://www.goodtherapy.org/learn-about-therapy/issues/abuse (some thorough info, and also a long list of various resources and hotlines if you scroll down the page!)

https://theinvisiblescar.wordpress.com/suggestions-for-adult-survivors/ (very thorough, and very specific to people who were the victims of childhood emotional abuse! I think this would be a great one to read, although it seems accusatory at the beginning, if you scroll down it does explain what it actually means, fortunately!)

https://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/copingwithdepression/2018/02/when-feelings-of-guilt-and-shame-overwhelm-you-when-depressed (these are just basic tips on how to cope with guilt and shame, designed for people with depression – I don’t know if you have depression, or if this would be relevant, but it’s short, and there may be more thorough info elsewhere on the site).

https://www.cottesloecounselling.com.au/dealing-with-guilt.html (a much more thorough article about how to work through feelings of guilt~!!!)

https://www.psychologytoday.com/ca/blog/overcoming-destructive-anger/201704/overcoming-the-paralysis-toxic-shame (this article is about toxic shame and may or may not be relevant to you, but I feel that emotional abuse and guilt often do turn into outright shame about ourselves, so this might be a good read!)

[virginiavaleenevale]

The Greasi.

THIS IS A PART 3: PART 1; PART 2;

Summary:You are overwhelmed by all that is happened but finally decide to see what was  left in the woods… and what you find is not what you first expected.

Words count: 1653 words.

Pairing/Characters: Reader x Unknown, Carl, Negan (mentioned), Simon (mentioned), Dwight (mentioned), Daryl (mentioned).

Warnings: self hatred, angst, lack of coomon sense, little bit of language.

I’m sorry this took longer that I expected but I was really busy… Hope you enjoy! The story just started, things will get REALLY intresting in the next part :D 

“I’m sorry this had to happen… I left something for you in the woods outside Alexandria.”

It said.

I walked nervously back and forth in my small bedroom. My hands found their way through my hair on their own accord, all I was capable of thinking was how much I screwed everything up. One long day passed since I decided to live forever hidden in there and soon enough realised how stupid that was… but still, I didn’t want to confront anyone. My dad didn’t even try to interact with me and I don’t blame him… I knew how big of a disgusting disappointment I was. And then there was the message on my diary, tormenting me with doubts.

The first thought was that someone wanted to humiliate me even more or punish me for being so revolting, and all of the “I’m sorry” part was just a set-up to make it believable, to make me fall in the trap. But maybe I deserved that. As my eyes found the diary opened at that page on my desk, a new realisation ran through me, it didn’t matter in the least what was waiting for me, I had nothing to lose. I starred at the simple grey lines on the white paper, not moving the slightest while my mind flew and twirled and I had to admit that under all those intricate options there was still the chance that someone might just want to ease my heart a little… Obviously, being human I could feel the hungry curiosity devouring me, the fact that I ignored it was nothing but the threatening logic making me. But those threatens seemed of no value in my situation, and so I decided.

I took the little piece of glass I kept under my bed, it’s been my only personal protection since the Saviors stole my hunting knife… it was just a sharp piece of a broken window, 20 cm long more or less, the only thing that I did to It was wrapping a rag around less than half of it to create a grip. As I weighed it in my hand I made my way to the door and without saying anything I got out of the house from the back door. I was going to see what was in the woods. As far as I knew no one meandered in the woods and all the researches for supplies lasted days and were far away from Alexandria, so no one should catch me. With my head low, I walked in a fast pace following the wall, I needed to get to the back of Alexandria there’s a spot where no one will see if I climb over the metal barrier. I was almost there when a voice suddenly stopped me.

“Hey!”

I felt the blood in my veins turn into ice, guilt immediately weighted over my heart like I was found committing a crime. I turned my head and saw Carl standing there, looking at me like a mirage.

“Hey…”

My voice sounded so weak, I feared his words.

“I-I thought you would never get out of your room. You’ve been locked there for three days.”

I was sincerely confused, tilting my head to one side.

“What are you talking about? I stayed there for one day.”

I frowned and I could see some sort of concern spread all over his features.

“No… it’s been three days since Negan visit…”

My eyes widened… How? Did I sleep that much?? Was I so screwed up? My voice trembled as I started taking small steps backwards, getting slowly away from the boy

“I n-need to go…”

“Wait! Are you ok? Do you need anything? I… I want to help…”

I shook my head moving faster.

“No, just- just leave me alone… but… thank you Carl, thank you.”

I turned the other way immediately and never looked back at him. Only when I reached my way out I actually looked around to make sure no one was there, as fast as I could I climbed and then jumped on the other side. I took a deep breath, still taking in the new shocking information, I felt like I had no control over my body and that was the only thing I felt in control of during those days. The trees a few meters from me seemed higher than I remembered them to be, a strange force attracting me towards them. The sun was shining in the sky and the grass still had some dew covering it, walking calmly made me feel in a fairy-tale, no one to be seen, only the bird’s singing to be heard. It was almost like it was before the apocalypse, or at least for what I remembered… so many years passed. Searching for anything out of the ordinary, my instinct told me to go ahead without fear. I moved towards the woods near the front of the survivors’ city, thinking that probably I’d find what I was searching for there, and I was right. I was pretty close to the gates when something caught my eye, an arrow was engraved in a tree trunk pointing down to the ground. I kneeled in the dirt and removed the thin layer of terrain that I soon discovered was covering something. A piece o paper folded up was the first thing that I got in my hands.

I opened it slowly, noticing only in that moment that it was a page ripped from my diary, no wonder I didn’t perceived its absence before with the way I treated the personal journal.

“Go there, you won’t regret it I promise. I go there too when I need to switch off.”

The calligraphy was 100% the one on my diary… I took the remaining object from the ground and opened it without hesitations. It was a map, it showed the positions of Alexandria, Hilltop… the name of another place was scribbled all over… everything popped at the eye for being marked in red. I was confused but then I noticed a little circle made with a pencil in the middle of the map, it was pretty far away from everything. I was surprised everything went actually fine till that point, maybe it really wasn’t a trap…

“What the hell… if I’m going to do this, might as well do it all the way through.”

I said quietly to myself, and with the map in my hands I started walking towards the spot.

Everything was quiet for a long time, not many walkers that couldn’t be avoided, I was left me alone with my thoughts. I didn’t want to think about what happened again and neither I wanted to overthink my current actions so I focused on one mystery that still floated in my mind… Who wrote that? Who left the map there for me? Who was sorry for what happened to me? Not knowing was destroying me because I couldn’t even guess it…

Negan? It simply couldn’t be after all that. I won’t believe for one second him being sorry for me. I hated that the attraction towards the man still rumbled deep down.

Simon? Why even? He was Negan’s right hand, I don’t see the point in him being sorry or any sort of kind towards me.

Dwight? The exact same thing… why was I taking them into my options I didn’t understand myself. They didn’t know me, they clearly didn’t care for me, they wouldn’t be “sorry”.

Daryl? I was pretty sure the man found me beyond revolting now. We were not close friends even though I tried to be friendlier with him in the past.

Carl? We were friends sure, but the way he was looking at me before… he thought of me like a wounded animal… he has just pity for me and he already said sorry personally, it wouldn’t make any sense for him to be the one, it would be so obvious. Also, Carl wouldn’t send me to a place so far away from Alexandria.

It was past midday when I arrived near the highlighted location, I could feel my heartbeat speed up with every step I took, some houses were in sight but that was not where I was supposed to go. I brought the map closer to my face, trying to figure out which was the right building, a little shop seemed to be it.

My eyes roamed the area and then found it, a little store on the side of the road. I got closer, a storm pervaded my mind overwhelming it with so many thoughts that I wasn’t able to actually formulate a clear one, my heart stomped so loudly in my ears that a horde of walkers could have been right behind me and I wouldn’t heart it. The sign above the door-frame was completely ruined, what still was legible was

“T— Gre– -asi-”

I made the random letters role on my tongue, unconsciously trying to figure out a name.

“T-Gre-asi, Tgreasi… the Greasi…”

It was a nice looking little shop with red walls and big once-white windows. Time was not gentle with it, but it was strangely beautiful in its crumbling look, a lot of plants were growing around and all over it, it wasn’t hard to identify it as an ex-florist or something like that. A couple walkers were already dead outside, well… actually dead, but still I entered cautiously, holding my piece of glass in hand. The first shelves that came into view were spoiled of everything but the photos of various flowers and plants confirmed my guessing. Nothing special was there… or so I thought.

Slowly I got to the back of the store and that’s when I saw it… My mouth as wide open as my eyes, my breath caught in my throat and it seemed like time froze at the sight.

Thanks for reading! Hope you enjoyed :) REQUESTS ARE OPEN. If you liked it check out my other stories. If you want to be tagged in any of my work just send me an ask.

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[mondartmusen]

Do you have any symbols/motifs/themes/etc. that you’re currently trying to get across or plan to get across?

Easy Meme for a Burnt Out Mun | {Accepting}

Depends a lot on the muse, honestly! Some muses just don’t really have particularly specific themes and motifs, while others have very defined ones. There’s also a few themes that I don’t necessarily intend to go for, but that are very common in the kinds of muses I just tend to write? I’ll put this under a cut, since I have a feeling I’ll ramble.

I’ll just focus on one particularly present theme on my blog, since honestly I could do a Master’s thesis if I broke down all the themes on this blog.

Probably one of the most defined themes that my muses on the whole seem to share is an intense dedication to family. When I’m meme-ing, Irisviel is the mega Mom(TM), who adopts everyone- And, outside of that, her two utmost dedications are to her daughter(s) (plural if you’re counting archer-ko as distinct), adoptive son (in the rare scenarios she gets to meet Shirou) and to Kiritsugu. In general, family is kind of everything to the Einzbern, though unfortunately not really in the tender and loving way that Irisviel does. More, it’s their bloodline and heritage as the Von Einzbern family, the creations of those who achieved Third Magic, that matters to them- Yet, twisted as their mentality is, it’s certainly still an unwavering dedication to the dreams of their predecessors, and Leysritt and Sella demonstrate that even the homunculi can feel dedication to each other, as they give their lives to protect Illya in Unlimited Blade Works. Likewise, Illya is readily happy to sacrifice herself for Shirou’s sake in the true ending of Heaven’s Feel, as she comes to love him as her adoptive brother throughout the course of the route. Much the same could be said of Miyu and Shirou in her world, who value each other more than they do their own world- Which is really a fantastic recreation of the HF dynamic in reverse, in my opinion.

Khan has a strong dedication to her family- Particularly her wives and brothers, but her sisters and even her children as well. While the real Genghis Khan wasn’t an especially good Father, I’m not convinced that he didn’t care greatly for his children, and that’s reflected in Temujin here. It’s something she'd acknowledge her flaws in, if it were brought up- But, she’s undeniably still incredibly proud of her descendants, and loves them dearly. Given the chance, she’d be eager to do her best to try and make up with them, to be a better role model for her children- Though, even acknowledging her own imperfections doesn’t make her any less proud of what she acomplished in spite of it.

Likewise, a majority of the Arthurian Knights on my blog are intensely dedicated to the concept of both family and lineage. I wrote a whole post about the significance of Percival’s extended family (but that’s outdated now so I won’t link it), but there’s certainly more to it than that. All of Loholt’s emotional issues are caused because of her commitment to the importance of family and bloodlines- She’s entirely accepted the idea that the circumstances of her birth determine her worth as a person, and that because affairs are supposed to be a Big No-No for Kings, and bastard children an even BIGGER No-No, she’s developed about as horrible a self image as any of my muses even have. She blames herself for her existence, and absolutely idolizes her Father, and as a Heroic Spirit, her Mother, too- And, since she buys so thoroughly into the cultural significance of bloodlines, and the own unrecognized, painful role she occupies because of that significance, it’s made her extremely unwilling to forgive Mordred for their betrayal of Arthur. It’s not the place of an illegitimate child to go against their father, or to object to their treatment or demand recognition, and the fact that Mordred dares to disgusts her. In a similar vein, Tor is intensely dedicated to his immediate family, and also idolizes his Father, and on account of his family, holds a very deep and bitter grudge against Gawain’s family, the Orkneys, for the death of both his Father and his brother. His family is what grounds him, and losing that basically unmoors him entirely because he doesn’t know what else to live for. Percival has a strong sense of family, and also a very broad one- Alongside her direct relatives like her brothers, she’s extremely excited to meet even more distant relationships, like her cousins and aunts and uncles. She also loves her children and wife more than the world itself, and having not seen them again before she died is among, if not outright being her greatest regret. She also views the rest of the Round Table, even the ones she isn’t actually related to as a family of sorts, which is why she’s very willing and happy to look past most of the other Knight’s transgressions- Outside of her brother’s death, which is a particularly painful spot to try and resolve emotionally for her, due to her reluctance to hold grudges, but the very much unhealed wound of Lamorak’s death having been for a pretty petty reason.Galahad is very dedicated to the family they know- Which, as it happens, isn’t a lot of it. They care greatly for Percival and Bors, and Lancelot, distance as he is- But, with most of their other relatives (Mother, aunts, ect) having died when they were young or even before their birth, Galahad feels somewhat isolated outside of the two-ish close familial relationships they have.

Both of the Magus ocs I have on this blog are intensely family oriented people, and their families are central to their emotional issues and development as characters. Mai is extremely dedicated to the idea of her siblings, and a lot of her self-hatred and lack of confidence is on account of her feeling survivor’s guilt for having made it through their parent’s extreme draconian upbringing system, even by Magus standards. That they died, were rejected or somehow failed is something she blames herself for, as the nature of the Hayashi family magic is to reward only the most apt candidate, and thereby, her survival is undeniably tied to her siblings’ failures.Likewise, Cecille’s issues are caused by having lost the family she once had, and because of that, feeling totally and utterly alone. Her outright wish as a Magus is to have a family- Preferably, the one she’d had before, but honestly she’d be satisfied with simply being a part of a larger familial unit.

On the other side of the coin, though, I also have some muses who family very much isn’t important to, which happens to contrast them with this blog quite a bit. Lizzy has no particular concern for her family (excepting Uncle Vlad), who likewise had no particular concern for her. Her family is largely why she is the way she is- They raised her to think that extreme violence against others for even the most arbitrary and petty of reasons was an acceptable thing, and it lead to her developing sociopathic and putting no value in the lives of other’s beyond in getting what she wanted. My Absolute Worst, Most Horrible Person of a Muse, Claire, is kind of defined by her inability to care about anyone beyond herself, even her own child. Unlike Elizabeth, Claire really is monstrous and irredeemable, and the fact she’s willing to use, abuse and discard even her own family members is really indicative of that kind of thing.Artoria isn’t so much a villain like Elizabeth or Claire, but she her failings in regards to her family are perhaps her most grievous, as they were ultimately the downfall of Camelot. She was unable to show Guinevere the affection needed to make their marriage work at all, leading to her affair with Lancelot. Meanwhile Mordred (and Loholt) both suffered as a result of Artoria’s absolute coldness and lack of consideration for either of them as her children, which was the cause of all three of their death’s, as had it not been for the miscommunication and lack of care for Mordred from Artoria, there wouldn’t have been a rebellion in the first place. It’s not something Artoria’s totally considered- I don’t write her as being bitter or resentful towards Mordred directly (though she undeniably holds Mordred at fault for the death that their rebellion caused), but simply that she hasn’t really internalized the idea that she really does have a familial obligation towards Mordred, largely due to her own...Interesting family situation and the extreme difficulty and denseness with which she navigates emotional situations as is.Fortunately, Artoria isn’t a piece of shit, so provided there was an appropriate situation wherein the time and effort was put in, things could theoretically get better with her and Mordred.

There’s probably more I could go into, but I figure this is plenty fine for a general overview of the ‘family’ theme on my blog as it largely relates to most of my (current) muses!

[manus-iugavit-blog]

Silence

As the twin moons loom in the fading light of day, the scent of the dead fill the air. A battle had been hard fought and factions had attempted to prove themselves worthy of the victor. Yet neither found themselves wearing the laurels. Only death had been dealt here, through what selfish sacrifice that these kings and emperors made, only defeat was theirs to collect. As silence settles on the battlefield, there is but only a single sign of life here. A youthful figure, feminine in appearance and adorned in clothing far too extravagant to be anything less than nobility. A sharp beauty which belonged to a creature born of nightmares only thought to exist in dreams.

Eyes of beautiful crimson look upon the destruction in which she had wrought. Quietly, she strode through the now silent field of dead. As sun set, night embraced her skin with brilliance never before seen. Casting light most ethereal, her eyes now glimmered with a ravenous hunger. She searched for what survivors there were of a ritual born of dark.

It was the darkness that lingered which was her ally, gentle bursts of black and purple magic which pulsed through the ground. Like a web made from a spider seeking to lure it's prey to their final moments. Her steps were fluid, progressing at a rate which could only be called gentle. It wasn't long before these eyes of crimson met the eyes of another. A creature just as inhuman as she and almost she could feel a kinship shared in this moment of silence.

“Beautiful.” The others voice called to her, a sound sweeter than honey. It had almost brought a smile to the pale visage of this small creature of the night.

The night born woman speaks, her voice cutting through the air as easily as any blade. It is soft, much like the others and yet there is command within it. She is inhuman, ancient even. “As are you.”

“You're too kind, my lady.” The answer came back, inciting a gentle raise of an eyebrow whilst the other watched on. Words of respect were often gone unspoken, phrases never turned towards her by any outside of her own kind. However, this creature, this inhuman abomination was just as she was. A creation through license of the meddling of others. “However...”

“However, we're enemies.” Came an answer she was all too familiar. To the crimson eyed woman, these were words she had suspected and yet she had not wished to hear them. She took her next steps delicately, even as she had known this other woman to be her enemy. An abomination, like her. “It doesn't need to be that way, you know.”

The other woman's eyes glimmered in the night light, much like her own. A brilliant azure glow that made her seem almost heavenly. To many members of humanity and the half breed kin of Kuvran, she would be an abomination. A thing to be feared, just like she. A monster born of black magic and rites which had never been under her control. A living child sacrificed to a soulless beast. The Nightborn monster studies the other woman, her features are soft and welcoming. A guise in which to hide the beast that rest beneath the surface.

Truly, she is beautiful. Desirable. The Nightborn dreads spilling this one's blood but rather wishes to be closer. It wasn't until she was a subtle distance away that their eyes truly met. Crimson lost in azure and azure lost in crimson. It was like both simply saw into the soul of the other... or lack there of.

“Serisa Amanar, do-” She began, though her words fell silent as she heeded the voice which cut her off.

Serisa's words were sharp, overpowering. “Don't make you do this? The choice is yours, Ophelia, not mine. Never once had I wanted you to see this nor have you exposed to what this cruel world wants with you.” She paused for a moment. “I am truly the only one who will ever love you in this wretched world.”

“You say that...” Ophelia stated, her voice falling silent. A tone which suggested a wavering will. The Nightborn could see that in how she stood, the slumped, small shoulders while her brilliant azure eyes fell from her crimson. Her hand tightened on a blade still sheathed. “You say that but you would deem it so to lie to me, someone you profess that you love, you would manipulate so easily?!”

The Nightborn brought her answer to bear quickly. Without thought, her voice weaving in notes of finality. “I had to.”

“That's it?” She asked, already tears begun. “That's all you have to say for all of this? You killed thousands here!”

“Millions.” Serisa answered, eyes of crimson watching the other. She knew at this distance, for once, she was in true danger.

Ophelia stopped, her eyes filled with a mixture of fear, dread, sorrow and anger. So many emotions flooded her mind as she gripped the hilt of her blade even harder. “Does that even begin to justify what you're doing here?! What you've done?! I trusted you!” Her voice echoed across the battlefield. “I trusted you with my life... my heart...”

“I still trust you, Ophelia.” Serisa said quietly, still she did not waver. There was no stopping what the Nightborn wanted, to be close. She couldn't deny herself any longer. This longing she felt, it was the true pain that rest within her stillborn heart. “What do you think all of this is for? This fighting? Do you think they'd accept you for what you are?”

“I...” Ophelia begun.

“You what, would tell them that you'd give them a chance at life? What more do you need than these savage creatures waging battle over you to try and enslave you to become their weapon!” Even as she spoke, not once did the Nightborn raise her voice. Not once did emotion betray her feelings. The curse of her kind, not being able to express their emotions so openly. Everything was always muted, muffled to where they felt so little. “What life for you is there among these people? They would cage you, call you abomination to shave what little dignity you have. They would violate you, rape you.”

“You have a great power Serisa, you can help them!” Ophelia yelled back, her voice filled with emotion.

Serisa simply watched Ophelia with an almost apprehensive stare. She understood what Ophelia was saying and she saw merit in such things, but it simply wasn't something she would do. Ever. “You know I can't do that, their lives are not mine to save.”

Ophelia stepped forward, while Serisa stepped back. “But they could be, Serisa. They could be yours to save.”

“I don't care for them.” She answered coldly, taking another step back. Her mind raced for a brief moment. She knew what might come, a death most deserved. An end to this nightmare of an existence. Maybe for a change, she would be able to see light without the dread pain that burned her very soul. “You're asking too much, they have chosen to shun our kind through generations of fear and hatred.”

“That's not fair t-” Again, she was cut off.

“To who? Us? Them? Just who's side are you on?” Came a statement she had said before. One spoken not too long ago. There was a moment of pain, a subtle pulse of self imposed guilt. These were words she had not wanted to say to her, but they were words she had spoken again. “From my side of the field it seems like you are the one betraying me. I gave my life to you, Ophelia and you spat on me in return.”

Ophelia fell silent, she had nothing to say. Instead she merely looked towards the taller Vampire, eyes settling on her. Trying to meet her eyes and yet, there was shame in her expression. An unwillingness to meet Serisa's gaze.

“Quiet again?” The Nightborn asked, her frustration surfacing. “Nothing to say to me? Again?”

Ophelia had closed her eyes as Serisa had offered that rebuttal. Once again, words spoken which should not have been uttered. The lines which both of them had crossed to this point were far behind and both had violated their own personal rules for one another. A relationship which should not have blossomed, but had regardless. Serisa had held on to such for as long as she could, offering what words of encouragement to keep things as they had been.

It had been so long since she had been truly happy or even offered a ghost of a smile and she would have given anything to get back to that. She would have up until two nights ago, when Ophelia had crossed that line of hers and incited her wrath. It was a day that Serisa regret to this very moment, one that she longed to be washed away.

“I'm sorry...” Ophelia said on the wind. An apology which in her eyes, was not warranted.

Serisa took a step forward, this time she ignored what fears she had. Shutting out logic, she submitted to the emotion of the moment and approached the younger woman. “You don't need to be sorry.” Serisa said quietly. “But I'll accept you're not needed apology.”

Serisa knew what was coming and yet she approached anyways. This was something she had longed for, a wish she had mentioned wanting for such a long time. Yet, what she had expected never came. Instead, the Wordsmith she had grown so affectionate for had embraced her. Hands of metal slid against tailored fabric and pulled her close. She could feel mechanical fingers tearing into the clothes she wore as Ophelia had brought her into an embrace, burying her face into the taller, Nightborn's chest. Serisa had hesitated for a moment, but she too welcomed this, an outcome she had not foreseen for once.

One where she was happy. One where she was content.

She held Ophelia close with one arm, while the other had simply slid into Ophelia's now messy blonde hair. Serisa then rested her chin on the smaller woman's head. Gently caressing the Wordsmith while she closed her eyes. “I had expected death.”

Ophelia was crying.

Always so adept at hiding her emotions until someone touched her. Serisa knew that her words hurt her, but not as much as the actions of others. Ophelia had known that the local humans had used her to try and incite an attempt on her life, using a past relationship with the Nightborn to lure her from the castle. The Grave-Hold where Serisa had made her home, from where she ruled the Amanar clan. Yet the Nightborn had deemed to simply caress this Abomination, this mockery of life. She had meant her words, that she loved her in hopes that there was something that still remained. Some semblance of affection that could potential win over the gentle heart of the Wordsmith.

She had won this moment for herself, wrenching it free from mortal hands.

Eyes of Crimson looked on at the horizon as she embraced the younger woman. She could see the traces of life which crest the hill, knowing that they were surrounded by members of the Arius Kingdom and the Kvran Merchant Guild, she couldn't help but offer an almost sweet chuckle. They had used Ophelia and they intended to kill the both of them. Serisa drew in a deep breath, catching the scent of the only thing that mattered to her while the world soon became muted.

“All is forgiven, my little Wordsmith.” She said quietly. A name, title even, that Serisa had coined for the delightful manner that this woman wrote. A sign that even artificial life could create when others like her kind could not. What the Golden Alchemist had done to these Templars were unforgivable, but what he had given to Ophelia was nothing short of a godly gift. A talent for which none who met her would truly understand. “Do not weigh your thoughts with doubt and worry. Rather know that you will always be loved.”

“Should the whole world turn against you, you are always welcome in my arms.” Ophelia replied, lifting her head and looking up at the Nightborn. Finally, she had been drawn into to those crimson eyes, Irises of slit black simply stared into her own. “That was the first time you called me yours. I remember it well.”

“I'm glad.” Serisa stated calmly. “I do not care for the company you keep, so let us return to where our last conversation had started.”

As the first of soldiers fired their weapons, the Nightborn and the Wordsmith had vanished in a brilliant explosion of magic. At first, their forms had disappeared just as a shock wave had burst from where they stood. Soon after, energy tore into existence and formed into a massive explosion which laid waste to the men and women that had sought to end both of these beasts.

[argetcross]

Ke’ri’s Story

I have receded back into my tried and true fandom habits so here are some Lon’qu headcanons where I try to construct something reasonable, in line with canon, but also with less poor writing tropes. Features a lot of Lon’qu as an unreliable narrator and also forgetting his own past with his disturbed reflection.  @u@

- Ke'ri was older than him and from a merchant family. She often smuggled him food. At first, she wasn't too impressed by him, just another slum rat. But he wasn’t rowdy like the others when he comes by to goggle at all the rare pinned insects in the shop. 

- Lon’qu had a gambling father who taught him about cards and that’s about it. He doesn’t have a mother, and gets taught most of his life lessons by a half-blind, crotchety former samurai.

- Ke’ri is the one that teaches him how to write. He's a fast phonetic reader which helps him learn Feroxi when he immigrates eventually but he can’t remember all the pictorial characters in the Chon’sin dialect to save his life. He, in turn, shows her the seedy underbelly of the town. She loves it.

- She was definitely his first love but he never told her because of their class difference and he is and was emotionally constipated. He regrets it to this day.

- Ke’ri was the first, but not the last to teach him discipline to match his hungry ambition. He credits her for saving him from a sullen and short life in poverty. He was her partner in crime, and she wanted to travel the world and often gave her parents the slip to go explore.

-During their childhood, Valm is in disarray, again. The bandits are Chon'sin discontents that have formed their own gang and intend to make their own little kingdom in defiance of Yen'fay. They target this town for its merchants. 

- Lon’qu overhears rumblings about the bandit plans. Ke’ri first takes this info to the magistrate but they are dismissed. Angry and worried about her family, they decides to do an investigation. They are discovered, however, because the two of them, a slum kid and a middle class kid aren’t exactly ninjas.

- The bandits offer them a chance to join on, especially after Lon’qu demonstrates zero chill with his fists. Ke'ri however basically flips out on them for trying to recruit him (’you’ll be their slave, Lon’qu!’) and Lon'qu then kind of takes it further by insulting them more. They bandits slap the two of them around a bit but Lon'qu draws blood because again, no chill. 

-That gets him almost killed and Ke'ri, who has never been beaten almost an inch of her life like this, throws herself over him to save him. The bandits lose interest, loot their pockets, and throws both of them in the river.

-Ke’ri is the only one conscious and can swim. At this point she kind of knows she’s dying because internal bleeding plus water chill. She basically drags Lon’qu’s unconscious body out of the water, into town, and to the doorstep of the magistrate. She warns the townspeople, extracts a promise they’ll care for Lon’qu, and then passes out.

- In the following days, she dies from internal bleeding before Lon’qu awakens. The bandits are beaten back by Yen’fay’s forces but they’re not totally destroyed either. When Yen’fay goes over to Walhart, they will garner strength again and they almost kill Ke’ri’s traveling merchant parents before Cherche kills all of them.

- Ke’ri’s parents don’t let him visit her grave although they pay for half a week of medical care. Sick with guilt and weak from near death, he starts walking. No one cares about him but they celebrate Ke’ri for saving the town. 

- For a while he lives and breathes and picks fights with only the desire to die. Although he doesn't realize it, subconsciously he begins to fixate on Ferox, the land across the sea, where Ke'ri had described the existence of snow and hardworking people whose lives aren’t dictated by strict class difference.

- He never tells anyone Ke’ri’s story and it starts to mess with his mind, where his nightmares start to conflate with reality. The only thing he can always cling on is his survivor’s guilt and a higher ideal to be untouchable. He becomes selfish, violent, and fixated, all the things Ke’ri had railed against the bandits for.

- But because he’s self aware to a point, he feels a level of self hatred that manifests into a desire to banish ‘weakness’. What does that mean? Who knows because it seems to be mostly removing himself from anything aside from contests of strength so he doesn’t have to fear hurting and being hurt. He starts to stagnate after seventeen.

- The fear of women on a neurotic and psychological level doesn't develop until several years later, near the end of puberty and after his first failed intimate relationship, in Regna Ferox. Basilio sees this transformation from reticence to full blown paranoia and decides, something has to change before this man snaps.

- When he joins the Shepherds, he hasn’t thought about Ke’ri as a person in a long time.

Bonus:

- Emmeryn dying was both traumatic and cathartic when he sees how Chrom dedicates himself to a selfless cause after tragedy. When the Shepherds head to Chon’sin, Lon’qu brings himself forward to talk about his home country for the first time in years. At first he just makes comments about the rebels but then Chrom gets something wrong and he is scoffing and talking more.

- The Valm War ends up becoming more personal and an exercise in self-reflection as he sees the factional destruction that plagued his childhood as an adult. Paradoxically he grows the most following his personal devastation when they hear of Basilio’s death.

- He cries at Ke’ri’s grave after the war against Walhart.