#seeing my old laura edit in the tag didn't help either

[holochromatic]

am i going to have to read wicdiv again?

i am, aren't i?

[sidekick-hero]

(steddie | teen | 2.3k | tags: rockstar!eddie, addiction, rehab, journaling, only Eddie's entries turn into letters to Steve | Part 2 to Carry You | @steddielovemonth prompt Love is about a hand reaching out to you so you don't get lost by @yournowheregirl | AO3)

Edited for a big shout out to @steves-strapcollection whose lovely OC has a little cameo here. If you want to know who Tig is, you can find out here. Spoiler: he's amazing and we love him.

Day 0

Dear Steve,

Hi Stevie,

Apparently, it's not good to "bottle up" your feelings. They say it makes drinking or drugs or any other addiction so tempting. It makes it easier to keep all that stuff inside you and let it fester until you need more and more of whatever it is that helps you cope. So the first rule of rehab: Talk, don't take.

That's a long way of saying I need to keep a journal like a 13-year-old girl with her first crush. It's either that or a daily crying session with the other "inmates" here, and I'd rather not have to tell Terry the old gossip my own tragic sob story. She already told me the life stories of two other patients here at dinner.

Instead, I decided to write to you. You're the one person I regret the most pushing away, and even though you'll probably never see this, it feels good to tell you these things now. Like a dry run. Because, baby, when I get out of here, I swear I will let you in. I won't make the same mistakes.

You will never go another day without knowing how much you mean to me.

How much I love you.

You only left an hour ago and I already miss you. I can't believe I've survived six months without you. Well, I barely did. I wish I could call you, but phone privileges are only for those who make it through their first week here.

I know we chose this center together knowing that they don't allow visitors for at least three weeks. Maybe longer if my therapist says I'm not ready. Fuck, three weeks didn't sound so bad when we talked about it, but now? In this ugly, impersonal room that smells clean but is totally clinical. You know, that mix of disinfectant and sterile air with a hint of medication lingering in the background. It sounds like an eternity and then some.

Nothing here feels comfortable or warm, and I miss your face so much it physically hurts.

But I promised myself I'd do whatever it took. For you and Wayne, for the boys and the kids.

So, day 0, the journey begins.

Fuck, I almost forgot: I'm supposed to answer three questions every day.

How are you doing right now? Don't hold back.

See above. I miss you, that's how I am. I want this to be over. I hate that I'm here and even more that I'm the one who got me here. I feel like a fuckup. It's hard not to when I see how I've ruined everything good in my life. But then I remember the way you kissed me goodbye. The smile on your face when you told me how proud you were of me. The way you kissed my hand because you couldn't let go and whispered, "I'll see you soon," and I want to have hope.

What do you want to accomplish tomorrow?

Get through the day without doing anything I'll regret.

What are you grateful for in your own life today?

You. That you didn't give up on me. (And the Gummi Bears you hid at the bottom of the bag, you minx. Thank you.)

Day 4

Sweetheart,

I'm not doing so well. It's hard. Who am I kidding? It sucks. My body hurts from how much I want to use. My brain is so very loud, Stevie. So, so loud. I try to remember how you managed to calm me down when my brain got like this. What helped the most was to wear me out by fucking me senseless, but that's not an option. But maybe I will try to go for a walk or even do some of those exercises you always tried to get me to do. The ones that usually led to fucking because I could never behave.

My therapist is nice. Her name is Laura, and so far she's taking everything I throw at her in stride. Talking to her feels like pulling my own teeth and I feel like shit afterwards, but I sleep better. Who would have thought, huh?

I miss you.

How are you doing right now? Don't hold back.

Not good. I wonder if I can really do this. It doesn't feel like it right now. I'm afraid I won't make it. That I will screw up again. That if I do, it'll kill me and I'll be grateful because I couldn't live with myself if I did.

I don't want to die, Stevie.

What do you want to accomplish tomorrow?

Talk to the weird kid who always sits by himself during meals. He looks lost. Maybe he knows DnD.

What are you grateful for in your own life today?

Still you. Every day. Wayne, for taking me in when I felt like a failure too. Unlovable. Worthless. He never stopped believing in me. Even when I gave him every reason not to. I don't know how I deserve him or you, but I am so fucking grateful.

Day 7

Fuck, I missed your voice. God. I'm sorry I lost it like that. I didn't want the first thing you heard from me after a week apart to be me ugly sobbing into the phone.

I wanted to tell you so many things. I had a plan, you know? But hearing your voice when you said, "Hi, baby," it just broke me. You sounded like you missed me too, like you were relieved to hear my voice too, and you didn't even realize how scared I was that you wouldn't.

We just hung up, but I want to call you again. Just to hear you breathing on the other side so I know you're still there. Waiting for me. Your hand still gripping mine so I wouldn't get lost.

You said, "I'll hear you tomorrow," like it was set in stone, no doubt about it. It made me feel, fuck, I don't even know. Like this is real. I didn't die on that bathroom floor, and you giving me another chance isn't some kind of hallucination or afterlife dream.

I'm rambling, sorry. Even in writing I can't help it.

One day I'll write it all down in a way that makes sense, I promise.

I love how patient you are with me. No one has ever been. I was always too loud, too distracted, too weird, too complicated, too much. But not to you.

I wish you were here to take me in your arms, it's hard not to fall apart without you holding me together.

How are you doing right now? Don't hold back.

Better. Fucking determined to get through this and get back to you. Still scared.

What do you want to accomplish tomorrow?

Have a real conversation with you without breaking down on the phone. Here's to hoping. Detoxing and being sober has given me a hair trigger on my emotions, it seems.

What are you grateful for in your own life today?

Your patience. Your grace. Your voice in my ear. That you still haven't given up on me. DnD, for giving me a purpose when I needed one, a tool to give others the help I so desperately wanted. The weird kid's name is Alex, and he does know DnD. We'll try to find more people for a campaign.

Day 16

Steve, baby,

I am so fucking sorry. Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck. I'm such an asshole. Please pick up the phone. I need to tell you how sorry I am. I didn't mean it, I was just scared. When you said that maybe Laura was right and you shouldn't come to see me next week if I wasn't ready, I thought you didn't want me anymore. That you finally got tired of holding my hand and watching me do those damn baby steps. It's been over two weeks, why am I not better? Why am I not done with this shit?

I want to be done, I swear.

Please don't leave me.

Please pick up the phone.

Please, please, please.

How are you doing right now? Don't hold back.

Fuck this shit, what good is it if I keep hurting you?

What do you want to accomplish tomorrow?

Stop being a fucking asshole.

What are you grateful for in your own life today?

I want it to be you, but I'm not sure I even have you in my life anymore.

Day 23

Stevie,

I'm scared. Isn't this the stupidest thing you've ever heard? A few days ago I begged to see you. Fuck, I was so desperate to see you that I almost ruined everything. I'm still sorry, I hope you know that. I know, I know, you said that it's okay and that it can't be all smooth sailing, that you forgive me. That you'll keep forgiving me as long as I keep coming back to talk to you, to explain, to show you that I mean it.

And now I've got the all clear for you to come and see me, and I'm too scared to tell you.

I'm still not the man I want to be. The man who deserves someone like you.

Laura told me that love isn't something you deserve, it's something freely given. We don't decide if someone can love us, only they do. And that I have to stop pushing people away because I'm convinced they can't love me. It's their choice and I shouldn't try to take it away from them.

I think about this a lot.

I want to let you love me, I do. It's just hard for me to understand why you would want to do that at all. It's something Laura wants to work on with me as well.

There is so much work to do. I hate to bother you with it. To make it your problem. I wanted to come in here and two weeks later walk out a new man. A better one. One you can love easily and who can love you back in a way you can understand. A man Wayne can be proud to call his son. A man Gareth and Jeff and Grant want to have as a friend, as a bandmate. A man the kids can look up to as much as they look up to you.

Laura said I should take the hand you are holding out to me. It's a decision I make every day. I took it in the hospital. I took it when you drove me here.

I should take it by letting you in, letting you see the work in progress that I am right now.

I think I will call you after dinner to tell you.

How are you doing right now? Don't hold back.

Fuck if I know. It's a lot to feel when you've numbed your feelings for so long. I remember why I did it, but I won't do it again, I'll learn to deal with it.

What do you want to accomplish tomorrow?

Take you in my arms and hold you. Let myself be held by you.

What are you grateful for in your own life today?

Your hand in mine. The thought of you that keeps me going. Your bravery. Dustin and Mike and Will and Lucas. They call me all the time, you know. Asking me about my first campaign here, telling me about their lives. Keeping in touch, even though I failed them almost as much as my old man did me.

Day 31

Steve, my love,

You're on your way to pick me up and I can't believe we made it here. It's not done, it probably never will be. I know that now. I have to keep working on myself and being well. But it's so fucking worth it, Stevie.

I'm glad that Laura agreed to stay my therapist even if I leave the center. I trust her. She gets me, she knows when to push me and tell me the ugly truth, and when I need time to process things.

I haven't told you yet, but I'm not going back to Corroded Coffin. At least not right now. I talked to the guys and they all agreed that it's best if I take some time for myself. And for you. For my family and friends. They actually have a guy named Tig who auditioned while I was here and they like him. He's good, they sent me a demo. They asked me if it would be okay and I said it would be. It's true, even though it hurts. I have to do this for myself.

Because I am going to give this to you later, I want to tell you something here before I lose my courage.

Steve. You are the best thing that has ever happened to me. I know I haven't always shown you the way you deserve. Hell, some days I certainly didn't act like it. My worst days. But I never stopped loving you. I don't think I ever will.

But I also learned to like myself a little better here. I no longer want to punish myself for things that were out of my control, like my mom dying or my dad not caring enough for me to stay. I want to be loved. I want you to love me. I want to let you.

I want to finally leave the past behind and allow myself to think about the future. And whenever I do, you're in it. You're the anchor, the epicenter of all my plans.

Stevie, sweetheart, I want to marry you.

Don't worry, I'm not proposing. This is just something I needed to tell you. Someday I want to be your husband, if you want me.

You are my past, my present and my future.

This is me taking your hand every day until I die or you stop reaching for me.

How are you doing right now? Don't hold back.

So fucking excited to have you all to myself again. Seriously, I'm going a little crazy. I'm also hopeful about the future. And in love. I'm so fucking in love with you.

What do you want to accomplish tomorrow?

To start our life together without forgetting what came before.

What are you grateful for in your own life today?

My second chance.

[idoobeg]

I posted 5,830 times in 2022

That's 452 more posts than 2021!

16 posts created (0%)

5,814 posts reblogged (100%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@sterekotp1

@cobrilee

@feelsforsterek

@lamberts

@jolly-polly

I tagged 47 of my posts in 2022

#idoobeg speaks - 13 posts

#the amazing devil - 9 posts

#critical role - 5 posts

#ruin - 3 posts

#laudna - 2 posts

#jesus - 2 posts

#exu calamity - 2 posts

#dimension 20 - 2 posts

#the old witch sleep and the good man grace - 2 posts

#love run - 2 posts

Longest Tag: 100 characters

#and i hate picking up after her and literally doing her job while she just sits on her phone all day

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

I was messing about with one of those AI art apps, putting in various Amazing Devil lyrics and I present to you The Old Witch Sleep and The Good Man Grace

9 notes - Posted November 8, 2022

#4

Spoilers for Critical Role Campaign 3 Episode 34

After watching episode 33 last week, I knew tonight's episode was going to ruin me. But I didn't expect it would the way it did. Watching Imogens face as she dealt with the death of her best friend and someone she loved and treasured was horrible. Laura seemed truly heartbroken as she played it out. It never even occurred to me that Marisha would roll a Nat 1 on her death saves and Laudna would actually die. I was just so scared and worried about Fearne and Orym.

I also truly felt so sorry for Ashley, making the choice on who to save between 2 of the party members. If only some else had revify or if Sam had any spell slots left.

But most of all, I commend Marisha. Not once did she try to sway anyone in making the decision to bring her character back. In fact, she didn't even say anything about it. She just told everyone that she wanted to stay out of the groups decision.

And while I am extremely relieved that Fearne and Orym survived, I really am gonna miss Laudna. It's gonna be hard not seeing Marisha at the table next week until the party either find someone who can bring Laudna back or a new character gets introduced. The undead is now dead.

13 notes - Posted September 20, 2022

#3

Hi! I’ve watched a lot of dimension 20 and never watched an episode of critical role, but I’m really curious about the cr miniseries with lou wilson, aabriya Iyengar, and brennan et al, will it make sense if I watch exu as a stand-alone? Is it more of a “you’ll enjoy it more if you know the world” or do I absolutely need to have watched some other stuff to even grasp what’s going on?

Hi! I had a similar situation when I first wanted to watch CR having not seen Campaign 1 and 2 but after doing some research I learned I didnt need to have watched any before getting into it. And fortunatly, EXU Calamity is technically a prequal to all the other CR main Campaign stuff so you dont really need to know much in order to watch. All you need to know is that the Calamity was a War fought hundreds of years before the begining of Campaign 1 and no matter what happens in the miniseries, its still gonna happen cause if it doesnt then the whole history of Exandria (the wonderful World created by Matthew Mercer) technically wont exsist. I will say there is a few nods to somethings that happen in Campaign 1 that I didnt completely understand but it in no way took any enjoyment or understanding from this particular storyline.

So in conclusion, no you dont have to have seen anything from past CR episodes to watch Exu Calamity. If you really want to, there are many videos, blog posts, articles, and even a whole Wiki dedicated to Critical Role where eveything can be explained in further detail if you really want to know more.

I'm also going to say that if you love Dimension 20 and its cast members, you will love CR, and youre gonna absolutely fall in love with Travis Willingham, Sam Reigal, and Marisha Ray.

Hope this helps and makes sense! If you have anymore questions, feel free to drop me a message and Ill help any way I can!!

(Edit: just going to add as well that CR streams first on Twitch at 7pm PDT on Thursdays and then up loads the episode onto YouTube on Mondays at 12pm PDT. I wait until the Monday upload cause of timezones 🙂)

16 notes - Posted June 12, 2022

#2

Critical Role Campaign 3 Episode 33 Spoilers Ahead!

Not me just quietly sobbing for the past hour from the most recent episode of Critical Role. The thought of losing both Orym and Fearne is leaving me heartbroken. They're both my favourite characters in the party! I don't wanna say goodbye to them yet! I also don't want to wait a week to find out what happens. I cant imagine how Liam and Ashley are feeling about all of this either.

And what if they do both stay dead. Whos gonna tell Dorian?? Or even the rest of the Crown Keepers?? Or Fearne's family?? Or Keyleth and the Air Ashari??

But all that aside, it was otherwise a fantastic episode. It kept me at the edge of my seat for nearly 4 hours. And it was such an emotional roller-coaster, what with the seige and getting Treshi out and then the horrible boss fight with Ottahan. Matt Mercer, I salut you. You are one incredible Dm!

24 notes - Posted September 13, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

I'm only recently getting into Critical Role but I've been a fan of Dimension 20 for over a year now and watching Brennan GM for CR is amazing. His style is so obviously different from Matt and Aabria, who are both very talented GM's in their own right. But theres something in the way each player at the table gets so enthralled by what he's saying that is just so beautiful. The way Brennan tells a story, how he pitches his voice, every inflection on his words is just pure talent. He really is a born storyteller and I'm glad those in the Critical Role fandom who aren't apart of D20's and arent familar with Brennan get to experience it

121 notes - Posted June 1, 2022

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