#scally arse

[leatherfaggotgayscally]

The New Life

Martin had always been the quiet, unassuming type. A software engineer by trade, his days were spent coding, sipping black coffee, and meticulously planning every moment of his life. His evenings were reserved for gaming marathons, vinyl record sessions, or quietly nurturing his bonsai tree. Moving into a small flat on the outskirts of Birmingham was supposed to be a practical step, a chance to save money and focus on work.

The flat wasn’t much, but Martin liked its simplicity. The only peculiar thing was the landlord, a man he had never met. The lease was finalized online, and the key had been left in a lockbox. Every question Martin emailed received curt, almost cryptic replies signed simply, “J.”

One late night, after staying up to debug an infuriating piece of code, Martin collapsed into bed, still wearing his plain grey hoodie and jeans. He drifted off immediately, his laptop humming softly on his desk.

When he woke, his world had changed.

The first thing he noticed was the weight on his chest. Groggily, Martin looked down and saw a thick, gleaming gold chain resting against a black Nike tracksuit. The outfit was completed by a black puffer jacket and a pair of pristine white Nike TNs on his feet.

Panicking, Martin stumbled out of bed and caught his reflection in the mirror. His neatly combed hair was gone, replaced by a sharp buzz cut. His room, once spotless, was a wreck—empty takeaway containers, cans of lager, and scraps of paper were strewn everywhere. His laptop was missing, replaced by a battered Bluetooth speaker blaring grime music at low volume.

His heart racing, Martin snatched his phone off the bedside table, only to find it completely wiped. All his apps, contacts, and files were gone. The only thing left was a single number saved under the name “J.”

Trembling, he pressed the call button.

“’Bout bloody time,” a deep, gravelly voice answered on the first ring. “Come ‘round the back o’ the block. We need a word.”

“Who are you? What’s going on?” Martin stammered.

“Quit yappin’ and get yer arse down here, mate.” The call ended abruptly.

Martin didn’t know why, but he felt compelled to obey. Pulling on the puffer jacket, he stepped into the cold evening air and walked around the back of the building.

There, leaning casually against the wall, was a man in a black puffer jacket and trackies. He was smoking a cigarette, his buzzed head gleaming in the faint glow of the streetlight. His posture was relaxed, but something about him radiated authority.

“’Ere he is,” the man said with a smirk, exhaling a cloud of smoke. “Sleep well, bruv?”

Martin stared. “Are you… J?”

“That’s what they call me,” the man said, tapping ash off his cigarette. “So, what d’ya think of yer new look?”

“I hate it!” Martin snapped. “What is this? I didn’t ask for this. I don’t want this!”

Jay laughed, his voice rough and mocking. “Come off it, lad. Don’t act like you’re not buzzin’. I’ve seen yer socials, seen all them scally pages you follow. Don’t lie to me.”

Martin’s cheeks flushed. He had spent hours scrolling through photos of lads in tracksuits, admiring their swagger and confidence. But that didn’t mean he wanted to be one.

“This isn’t me,” he insisted, backing away.

Jay took a slow drag of his cigarette and stepped closer. His voice dropped to a low, commanding tone. “Stop pretendin’, mate. This is who you’ve always wanted to be. Now, take a drag o’ this cig and let it sink in.”

“I don’t smoke,” Martin mumbled.

Jay raised an eyebrow, his smirk widening. “Didn’t ask if you did, did I? Now, stop bein’ soft and take it.”

Martin hesitated, but Jay’s imposing presence was too much. Slowly, he took the cigarette. He brought it to his lips, inhaling deeply. The smoke burned his throat, making him cough, but as he exhaled, everything began to shift.

A strange warmth spread through his body. His muscles tensed and grew, filling out the tracksuit. His back straightened, and his posture shifted to one of casual confidence.

Jay chuckled, clapping Martin on the shoulder. “There ya go, lad. Told ya it’d suit ya.”

Over the next few days, Martin’s life unraveled completely. He quit his office job without a second thought. “Desk jobs are for nerds,” he scoffed when Jay asked him about it. Instead, he took up a hard labor gig at a nearby warehouse. The pay was awful, but Martin didn’t care. He liked the physicality of it, the way it made him feel strong and capable.

Every night, Jay would knock on his door, and they’d head out together. They’d hang around the estate or outside the local chippy, blasting grime music and chatting with Jay’s mates. At first, Martin felt out of place, but as the nights went on, he began to embrace it.

He started rolling cigarettes with ease, perfecting his swagger, and adjusting his tracksuit to show off his gold chain. He even picked up a thick Brummie slang, finding himself talking more like Jay and less like his old, nerdy self.

His flat became a reflection of his new life—messy, lively, and filled with the sound of music and laughter. The Martin who once prided himself on his orderliness and ambition was gone.

One evening, as they leaned against a wall under a dim streetlight, Jay passed him another cigarette.

“Told ya, lad,” Jay said with a smirk. “This is where you belong.”

Martin lit the cigarette, exhaling a plume of smoke as he nodded. His gold chain glinted in the light, and his buzzed head shone faintly. “Yeah,” he said with a cocky grin. “You were right, mate.”

The transformation was complete. The quiet, bookish Martin was no more. In his place stood a confident scally lad, unbothered and unapologetic.

[otaku-orochi-okami]

Oi, oi, babes, it’s your girl Kenzie, innit, proper council estate princess wiv me red hair blazin’ like a fuckin’ bonfire, slayin’ this skanky game while you lot, you manky beta incels, are scrollin’ Lew’s beta material Tumblr, tryna catch a whiff of me vibe. I’m out here puffin’ a fag, neckin’ cheap-arse vodka straight from the offie bag ‘cos I’m a classy slag who don’t need no sparkly fuckin’ glass, rockin’ me skintight Nike Pro—black leggings huggin’ me arse and a crop top flashin’ me belly—wiv this baggy yellow Tommy Hilfiger coat slung over me scrawny little bod, lookin’ like the nangest ting on the block, yeah? And you lot? I’m pissin’ meself laughin’ at you sad twats, lol.

Oh my fuckin’ days, babes, you’re all such minging little tragedies. **takes a massive drag, flops back like a proper diva, tiltin’ me head to the sky to blow out a fat cloud of smoke while flickin’ me red locks over me shoulder like a sassy mare** You’re stuck in your damp, shitty rooms, tappin’ them grubby keyboards, likin’ Lew’s pathetic beta posts, wiv no rizz, no banter, just pure loser stench. Closest you’re gettin’ to a proper fit bird like me is peekin’ through the keyhole while your mum’s gettin’ smashed by the scruffy geezer deliverin’ the milk, yeah? I’m creasin’ so hard me vodka’s splashin’ all over me banging yellow coat, but it’s calm ‘cos I’m still a total baddie, innit.

**twirls me red hair round me finger like a flirty little minx, smirkin’ like I own the estate** You lot are probs tuggin’ it to me 2D waifu snaps on Lew’s rank blog. That twat Lew? He’s a right gormless muppet—lanky, gormless, and stumblin’ over his own feet like a proper melt—but he’s me little simp bitch ‘cos he’s gaggin’ for me vibe, droolin’ over me like a sad puppy. **flicks me hand like a stroppy little cow, rollin’ me eyes so hard they might pop out** Real talk though, he can sod off, yeah? Ain’t got no time for his droopy simp arse tryna cling to me glow—bite off, you lanky prick! You betas though? You lot even worse innit. You’re the fuckin’ pits—droolin’ over me selfies, tryna creep into me DMs wiv some limp ‘hiya babe’ bollocks. Mate, I’m a whole fuckin’ vibe, a red-haired estate goddess wiv more sass than your nan’s burnt toast—you ain’t got the balls to chat me up!

I don’t know fuck all ‘bout books or that posh shit, but I know I’m the hottest slag on the road, yeah? I’m cacklin’ me tits off at you pricks, but now I’m takin’ over—gonna turn you lot into proper skanky chav bitches, lol.

You reckon you’re all fancy and proper, yeah? Struttin’ about in your poncey trousers and shirts like you’re some la-di-da wankers wiv a reputation. Babes, you’re fuckin’ nobodies—straight up council estate rejects! You don’t deserve a scrap of respect, so let’s shred every last bit of that fake dignity hangin’ off your scrawny necks. Bin them snooty white boi garms—grab some rusty scissors, rip them shirts and trousers to fuckin’ tatters, and we’re leggin’ it to the market for some dodgy Adidas and Nike clobber, proper cheap and rank, yeah? That’s your new look now, you little slags!

**twirls me hair again, flickin’ ash on the pavement like a filthy cow, smirkin’ like a right tart** And chuck out that poncey white boi music you’ve been twiddlin’ to—all that soft shite can fuck right off. It’s Molly Brazy, Cuban Doll, and Saweetie blarin’ out me cracked phone speaker from now on, while you lot wiggle your bony arses proper. You’re me little chavvy minions, innit—gonna toughen you up, get you puffin’ fags and nickin’ warm lager from the corner shop. I’m draggin’ you down to me skanky level, babes—gonna have you lookin’ and actin’ like the roughest little estate rats by the time I’m done!

Once we’ve nabbed your new clobber—baggy trackies wiv fake stripes, hoods up, lookin’ like proper scallies—you’re me skanky little posse, yeah? Then here’s the plan, babes—when it’s dark, we’re hittin’ that posh playground. That clean, fancy one all the stuck-up twats love? We’re gonna piss all over it—swings, slide, the fuckin’ lot—like we’re flushin’ away every speck of that prissy crap you used to cling to. No more actin’ posh, no more ‘oh, let’s be prim’—you ain’t allowed to be fancy no more, you mucky little cows!

**chucks me vodka bottle over me shoulder into some twat’s garden, giggling’ like a mad baddie as it smashes** Picture it, yeah—you lot in your knock-off gear, staggerin’ about in the dark, unzippin’ and sprayin’ piss all over that playground like it’s a fuckin’ ritual. Swings drippin’ wiv wee, slide turnin’ into a stinkin’ piss river—we’re claimin’ it, tellin’ all that posh bollocks to fuck off. You’re me filthy little gremlins now, kickin’ cans, gobbin’ on the pavement, livin’ loud and nasty. So get ready, babes—market’s callin’, and that playground’s gettin’ a proper chavvy piss-up tonight! **blows a sloppy air kiss, flippin’ the bird while laughin’ me arse off** ‘Cos I’m Kenzie, the skankiest estate waifu, and I’m turnin’ you lot into the grimiest legends of the block, lol. 💋💅

---

Oi, you lot, stop faffin’ about like a bunch of wet wipes—grab them scissors and start hackin’ up them posh rags! We ain’t got time to waste, babes, market’s buzzin’ and I ain’t haulin’ your pathetic arses there lookin’ like some snooty pricks. Move it, yeah—time to make you into the skankiest chav bitches this estate’s ever seen! **takes a drag, smirkin’ like a proper cheeky slag** Hurry up, fam!

[themrsmunson]

Joseph Quinn cooks you a roast dinner- fluff

This is completely deranged but someone put it in my head and if I don't get it out I will cry. Introducing my thoughts on Joseph Quinn cooking you a roast dinner.

First up he's been nagging you for ages to let him cook for you. He's ridiculously proud of his roast dinner and can't wait to show off his skills for you.

When you get there he won't let you help, insists on you sitting down with a drink and the TV control while he cracks on.

He's wearing his baggy jeans with a plain black tshirt and he's got a teatowel over his shoulder. He looks fit obviously.

He's cooked a simple chicken but he's done all that fancy shit with olive oil, lemon and herbs so it's smell amazing.

He's done roast potatoes from scratch, in goose fat, with garlic and thyme. He's done that thing of shaking them up so they have loads of crispy bits.

His mash is made with butter and cream with lots of pepper so it's like little mouthfuls of heaven.

He's made a cauliflower and brocolli cheese bake with 4 types of cheese.

He's done some boiled carrots but he's cut them julienne style so they look fancy as fuck.

He's roasted a butternut squash with orange juice and honey.

It's not Christmas but yes indeed this man has made pigs in blankets. What a legend.

Yorkshire puddings? Man made them himself! Even got a minor burn in the process. He may be a Southern lad but he gets Northern points for this.

He's done some marrowfat peas because he knows you are just a scally girl at heart. He won't eat them though because he has standards. He's cooked some petits pois for himself.

Gravy from scratch obviously. 3 gravy boats worth.

He's laid the table and put your favourite playlist on.

You're not eating lamb but he's brought out the mint sauce because he knows you like it on your roasties (see scally notes above).

For pudding he's made jam rolypoly and he's bought the fancy posh custard. He could make it himself but honestly who can be arsed?

Obviously after this you fuck but that's for another post.

[punkscowardschampions]

Joe & Ray

Joe: Where you @ 🦇🔦

Ray: Shop 

Ray: y? 👀

Joe: Ideal, pick up all the nice scran, stuff that’ll make the kids 👀 pop out, like

Ray: 👀 where this is headed

Joe: mystic meg you don’t need to be 🔮

Joe: saw the envelope full on the side when I got in, don’t need the three guesses

Ray: not for our crimbo prezzies

Joe: can fake that to the little ones

Joe: setting ‘em up for disappointment but what ain’t 🎄😭

Ray: gorra happen 1 day 🎄🔥 but tonight ain’t it 🍭🍫🍩🧁🍪

Joe: can’t complain when they getting it with no spends between any of us, least of all them freeloaders 

Joe: did give us the funds for blockbuster though, keep ‘em 😶🤩

Ray: Class I know what 📼 to stick in they won’t have a cob on about

Joe: Saw II was a mistake, yeah

Ray: Tommo back in his own bed yet?

Joe: Fraze took the piss hard enough he is ‘til he’s dead cert he’s asleep, yeah

Ray: put it out his own head when he used to get pure shit up by [something era appropriate for baby Fraze lol]

Joe: Funny how selective his memory is, like

Ray: innit

Ray: must be that long ago 🙄 properly grock scally now he is 🙄 don’t you know? 🙄

Joe: 😏 being hard would involve doing in 7 year olds

Joe: properly scary, our Tommo

Ray: keeping him made up with extra 🍬🍬 myself like

Joe: Smart 💡

Joe: they’ll wanna crash in mum and dad’s bed with you when they eventually do

Ray: 💡 to grab [whatever the cheap energy drinks of the era are called because clearly not gonna sleep]

Joe: gonna be looking fatter than Hollie T by the time you get out

Ray: 😏 dead scary if I meet her on the way home 🔦

Joe: be no 🍭🍫🍩🧁🍪 trail for me to follow to your body either, devvo

Ray: crisp bags & cans if she don’t eat em 2

Joe: walking skip sounds about fair

Joe: have to be chiefing the whole offie 100x over to have us getting near that size

Ray: have to meet me if the 💡 is to get messy when the rest are 😴 on my tod I’d be a div to chief 1 bottle wearing this clobber but be easy for you in yours

Joe: you rather I went about in too tight tops like a right scally myself

Joe: but doubt messy is the mood either of us will be in, nah?

Ray: Wouldn’t be me getting done in by every lad on the estate for dressing up like em so there’s no would I rather 

Ray: know you’d smash it 1x1 but that ain’t gonna how it’d go when they can outnumber you like 🐺🐺🐺

Joe: May well dress for the job they’re gonna have ⛓���🧼🎱🧦⛓

Joe: even scum like us gotta have pride, fuck looking like that much of a twat

Ray: come off it soft lad you mean to tell me they ain’t all gonna be ⚽️🏆 like our [some local-ish person made good of the era that nobody shuts up about even if he’s not remotely close to being a professional footballer in the big leagues]??!!

Joe: and give up the saturday/sunday sesh with some casual violence thrown in? 😱

Joe: not even make half-time 💔

Ray: not reach the halfway line before they’re 🤮😭 & that’s before the sesh

Joe: watch him get them all wound up so they’re spewing their sweeties up before 9

Joe: just ‘cos he’s aggro about it

Ray: Have I gotta 👀 that? 

Joe: It’d be us has to clean it up, can only be arsed playing mammies and daddies when it’s a laugh for them, not long enough sort the kids out for real

Ray: fun & games when it’s 🏠💕 be us 🤢 & 😡 the kids don’t know what’s what

Joe: If he could actually be trusted to do what needs to be done, like you can, leave ‘em to it

Joe: not my idea of a fun Friday night, like 🤷🏻

Ray: you’re not leaving me 2 it though are you?

Joe: of course not

Ray: swear

Joe: fuck shit cunt 

Joe: 🖕🖕🖕

Ray: 😏 k then

Ray: as it came right from your 🖤 I can tell

Joe: is right

Joe: you know I wouldn’t leave youse, ‘less that was gonna protect you but sticking together is usually the one 

Ray: it’s sticking together including the 2 of em that’s 💔

Joe: won’t be much longer, bet she’ll get in to a top school full of bute dickheads and he’ll be so 💔 about it he has to start his life of crime, like

Joe: swear that an’ all

Ray: she is a big enough swot & up herself to fit in with em even if they’re from [posh streets and their nicknames]

Joe: Shame I can’t get in [the local girl’s school that is posh] too

Ray: Grow your hair a bit longer & you probably could

Joe: 😏 ha

Ray: seen what some of the girls coming out the gates look like 😬 lip gloss & a going over with the straighteners you’d be pure prettier

Joe: Ahh, I get it

Joe: you wanna go there and 👀 at them mingers some more

Joe: should’ve said, or started swotting

Ray: Come on don’t you wanna do makeovers tonight?💅💋✨🎀

Joe: What else could I ask you to do at a totally normal sleepover, nothing to see here, yeah

Ray: can go for it naming the dare I ain’t 😱

Joe: maybe I will

Ray: I’ve got [whatever Joe’s fave sweet or snack is because obvs] for you to earn off us

Joe: you swiped ‘em and got away free, but I’ve gotta earn ‘em

Joe: windup, you are but alright then

Ray: read it back & work out how much I’ve done there vs you

Joe: oi, who do you reckons raiding the freezer for their tea 

Joe: call it teamwork

Ray: get Bea to & push her into it & maybe I will

Joe: sleeping with the fishfingers

Ray: Captain Birdseye would be made up to have her ☠️ 

Joe: he’s definitely sketchy

Ray: Fraze can spend his night trying to save her from another sly old fella he’ll be as made up himself & we’ll be left to it

Joe: like he wouldn’t do worse if he had half the chance 

Ray: yeah but shut it I don’t wanna 👂

Joe: scrub 🧠

Ray: all over bleach bath @ the 💭 is right

Joe: you’d disappear, already the palest blonde 

Ray: but I’d soon turn red from the scrubbing 

Ray: & if my freckles went I wouldn’t be devvo like

Joe: Anything to look less like him

Ray: Laura Hughes said I look like mum uses my face to clean the floor

Joe: hers looks like she’s used boot polish on it to change her race

Joe: you don’t need to be listening to girls like her

Ray: you can hear her from [street names really far away]

Joe: can hear her from my class

Joe: She’s jealous you don’t need to hide acne under layers of orange, that’s all

Ray: swear she started wearing a bra when she was about 8 

Ray: what’s in the taps on her street?

Joe: sure it’s not padding?

Ray: you gonna touch her up for us to check for khazi paper or her dad’s socks?

Joe: Not sure I can stand the disappointment, sis

Ray: it’d be the bullshit coming out her gob after youse were alone together getting repeated estatewide you’d properly hate

Ray: I can’t let you take that bullet for her kiddy namecalling

Joe: can keep my hands to myself then, that what you’re saying

Ray: she’ll be out of school ages before I am when some other lad don’t & she gets herself stuck with her own kid to raise instead of just her mum’s

Joe: circle of the council estate

Joe: you better fucking not

Ray: 🤮 lads who try it on’ll not be having kids with nobody ☠️ a decently aimed kick & they’re wrecked

Joe: 👏 right answer

Joe: only sounds as coached as it is

Ray: they can have the 1 smart 💡 without us needing to scrub 🧠

Joe: they’ve had enough shite ones to not make it 🤢 to admit

Ray: & lads are that scatty

Joe: not gonna fight you on it, everyone is

Ray: am I?

Joe: 🤔

Joe: nah, it’s different, we are

Ray: 👏 boss answer

Joe: barely coached, that

Joe: round of applause warranted

Ray: 👑 is gonna be going hard but I do feel different

Joe: get them to make you a tinfoil one, or share their plastic ones

Ray: 👸🏼✨☠️

Joe: Leave the 🕷💜🕸 decorating to them, 50/50 if you end up with actual bugs in your hair

Ray: 💡 to send em out with jars before it’s proper dark for Laura’s payback makeover 🐜🐛🐌🐞

Joe: 💡💡

Joe: any of ‘em got nits atm or

Ray: Ro’ll she’s the cleanest

Joe: ☣️ biological warfare ☣️

Ray: gave yourself a handful of [the fave bribe of sweet or snack] for it

Joe: if you wanna spread some on their pillows, I won’t tell

Ray: 😏

Ray: fun friday getting closer with each 💡

Joe: no mum and dad clearly means SO much alone time 🙄

Ray: Whatever warfare it takes to put a stop to it

Joe: you don’t reckon the threat of them legit killing him will do that

Ray: do you reckon there’s a big enough threat out there to put em off necking each other when they’ve got the real half a chance you brought up? 

Ray: he’s only scared he don’t know how & what she’d say to him then

Joe: try not to 💭

Joe: and hope the embarrassment when that does happen 💀💀 him

Ray: I 💭 about the 👃🩸 when their heads crash together

Ray: it happened to Mandy 3 doors down

Joe: okay have that one 💡

Joe: thought she looked a bit wonky

Ray: I’ve seen you 👀 @ her

Joe: when?

Ray: when you reckon you can get away with it

Joe: should’ve known I was living with sherlock here 👀

Joe: and I never was, not hard

Ray: now you know & over my ☠️ body are youse 2 gonna 💋

Ray: ☣️ hazard

Joe: I’ll only chin her myself if it’s really really boring, yeah

Ray: I’d giz you my left over bleach to gargle with if it was going off but it ain’t on my watch

Joe: protecting me from slags ain’t on the checklist but tah

Ray: dunno what one you’ve got 🧚🏼‍♀️✨ it’s on mine

Joe: okay, tink

Joe: pretty cute but I’ll keep it 😶 for your street cred

Ray: she’s not cute she’s 👿☠️

Joe: and 😈😍

Ray: nobody’s gonna 💭 I’m jealous of Mandy I’m not rem even if there’s a chance she is

Joe: scared it’s that obvious Ray: nah

Joe: you’re not jealous of Mand ‘cos you know you’re better company

Ray: yeah 0 competition from her

Joe: is 0 getting a bit carried away, like

Ray: you tell me

Joe: you give her a fair chance

Ray: how much do you wanna fancy her 😬⚠️

Joe: I’m just saying, probably all she is good for

Joe: why’d I wanna chat to her 

Ray: why would you 💋 her?

Joe: you’ll work it out yourself soon

Ray: shut it you 🤥 I won’t 

Joe: not with Mandy, nah

Joe: but some lad you reckon is properly fit

Ray: 😑 no such lad

Joe: I’m only messing

Joe: you ain’t old enough, or a slag like she is, you wouldn’t do that

Ray: I’d only get wrecked by it & why would I want that

Joe: you don’t

Joe: it’s different for lads

Ray: not by loads though you’ve still got a 🖤

Joe: do I?

Ray: don’t you?

Joe: dunno

Joe: Mandy ain’t gonna break it, either way

Ray: you do I’ve felt it

Joe: I’ll believe you

Ray: I’m dead trustworthy yeah you can ask [whatever the shopkeeper we’ve just robbed blind is called] 👼🏼

Joe: 😏 yeah you look it alright

Ray: I know

Ray: gonna take me far in life this face

Joe: as long as it ain’t 🏥⛓⛪️🏚

Joe: done my job

Ray: professional spoilsport like

Joe: something like that

Joe: call it an IOU

Ray: k Joe

Joe: what you k’ing at us for

Ray: no reason 😏

Joe: you started it 👶🏼

Ray: someone who’s losing it would say that

Joe: someone who’s gonna be stuck watching [a kid’s film of the era] would be acting this brave

Ray: if I am you are

Ray: already had you swear you’ll not leave me 2 it

Joe: plenty else in the house that’ll need doing

Ray: keep us company

Ray: you’ve done the sound thing & admitted it’s more class than Mandy’s

Joe: be a bit much to lock her in at this point

Joe: don’t need to let the whole street know how weird we are, do we

Ray: blood’s thicker than ☢️ spit

Joe: I don’t need to get headbutted to spill none for you

Ray: We just need a 🪒 or 🧷 if you’re gonna keep on being a spoilsport & Mr Overprotective

Joe: no one outside of this house is allowed to hurt you

Joe: even touch you or look at you funny

Joe: me and you can use whatever 🔪 feels the sharpest

Ray: I hate going outside

Joe: me too

Joe: let’s bunk monday too

Ray: yeah everyone looks at me funny @ school

Joe: you’re so pretty

Joe: they dunno what they’re on

Ray: you’re the only person who don’t reckon I’m pure ugly

Joe: everyone here is rem or they wouldn’t be stuck here

Joe: we’ll get class jobs then we can have a house with those blackout curtains and not leave until it’s dark and every twat in the [good neighbourhood we are aspiring to here] is asleep

Ray: What job do you wanna get?

Joe: music, ‘course

Joe: even if I write for other dickheads, that’d still be top

Ray: I don’t care long as I can do it from a dead boss laptop

Joe: massive telly that don’t take up the whole wall ‘cos the room is massive too

Ray: fuck off big seetees we can lie on cos we don’t have to share em with nobody

Joe: fridge with the ice dispensers and double doors

Ray: a properly posh bath like you watch in films

Joe: hot tub too

Ray: can play songs loud as we want cos we we’ll have decent walls and it won’t be a shite semi

Joe: [the best soundsystem of the time, idk, nerd out] 

Ray: !!

Joe: own rooms, for once

Ray: k but we’ve gorra have a connecting door

Joe: beds will be kingsize, you can come share, when you need to

Ray: it’s fucked we can’t now

Ray: their fault

Joe: yeah

Ray: but tonight we will

Joe: those 3 between us, can’t say there’s anything fucked about it

Ray: I don’t wanna stare at the ceiling waiting for mum & dad to come home

Joe: I can’t

Joe: the kids will fall asleep and we’ll keep each other busy, distracted

Ray: they could sleep through 💣💥 dunno how or remember when I was the same

Ray: my stomach’s already ⚓️

Joe: they’ve got us

Joe: we didn’t have nobody when they were gone

Ray: each other

Joe: always each other

Joe: they think we’re proper grown-ups though

Ray: Fraze & Bea think they can act it out

Ray: as if they’re married

Joe: for the kids benefit or theirs, right

Ray: I could be jealous of that

Ray: how it would feel to pretend

Joe: Not enough fake sisters to go around, typical him to not share

Ray: I can’t bail to my 💭 he can have it

Ray: what I imagine’s worse than what’s happening outside of my head

Joe: I could show you some of the things I do, that make it feel

Joe: I dunno if better but it’s better than doing nothing or pretending could be

Ray: show us

Ray: I’m going west with everything I try & do

Joe: you’ve gotta ignore how west it is, just know it works

Ray: if you say it will I know it’s gonna

Joe: Trust me, acting it is better than feeling it

Joe: anyway, no one is gonna see

Ray: you ain’t full of shite the way those 2 are 

Ray: course I trust what you’d tell me

Joe: You can start now, if you want, there’s one you can do walking back

Ray: What is it?

Joe: you have to find a house for every number of our phone number, and knock on the door as many times as the next number in the order, and you can’t go until they’re opening their door, when you do the last house, knock [however long your landline number is total] and run all the way back here

Ray: you’re gonna trust I’ve done it properly yeah?

Joe: There’s no point lying, I’ll do it if you don’t

Joe: but if you keep your bottle and stand, so will they, and if you don’t get caught by no pissed off neighbour, neither will they

Ray: I’m not scared or gonna lie

Joe: I trust you an’ all

Ray: 👀

Ray: it’ll be done exactly how you said to, swear

Joe: you’re gonna feel so much better, Ray, you won’t believe it

Ray: you’re a class brother I dunno what I’d do without you

Joe: you don’t need to find out

Joe: I’m not gonna ditch

Ray: I need you here you can’t be going off nowhere with nobody

Joe: never ever, no one is as important

Ray: proved your 🖤 is real & big enough to have me in

Joe: Ha, alright

Joe: I only wish it was dead most the time then

Ray: you’re not gonna when I help you feel better too

Joe: you promise

Ray: yeah

Ray: whatever it takes I’m not scared to do you know it

Joe: if you wanna do it, I’ll let you, only then

Ray: I wanna do as much for you as you are for me

Joe: there’s loads more

Joe: keeps your head full of blood pumping and chaos and there’s no room for nothing else

Ray: how am I gonna give you anything back as smart as that? 

Joe: easy, I’m getting to see it work for you, not doing it alone

Ray: neither me or you feeling on our tod from here on

Joe: Deal

Ray: meaning I can tell you things if they’re a bit west 2

Joe: everything

Ray: Deal

Joe: 🔓

Ray: What I do is nothing

Ray: I’m not allowed to eat none of the 🍭🍫🍩🧁🍪 or nothing else out the cupboards then I try not moving & talking as much as I can without wrecking the kids heads til mum & dad go work Monday like normal

Joe: I can see the logic and the appeal, not being the right word there… but how do you ignore your 🧠💭

Ray: I don’t 

Ray: I empty myself out so I’m full of 🧠💭 then they’re stuck in us instead of happening outside to mum & dad

Joe: It’s a good plan

Joe: my brain never wants to do nothing, I’m bad at it

Ray: the longer I last @ it the better the ✉️ drops have gone last time I didn’t eat til I was home for tea but when I gave up by morning break on [a date] remember how the spends came out short

Joe: We’ll swap, or try to

Joe: you can do what I do and I’ll try to do nothing

Ray: Don’t disappear already the skinniest

Joe: I forget to eat a lot anyway, that won’t be the hard part

Joe: it’s how loud it’ll get

Ray: I’ll be louder

Joe: 🔊👂🩸

Ray: k I’ll stop before there’s 🩸 or it’ll fuck up your music job

Joe: good point, won’t dig around in there with the ✂️

Ray: ✂️ away I can’t & won’t walk about looking like a Barbie Ali’s played with

Joe: Laura would definitely not let that go 📢

Joe: I think it’d look top

Ray: you wanna make me over with ✂️🧷🔪?

Joe: you rather felt tips and the ancient makeup of mums they thief

Ray: I’m thinking what you’d do if I let you

Joe: less of a Picasso than her but

Ray: get gripped if you go too far like

Joe: leave your eyes where they are on your head 🤞

Ray: Mand would probably notice 👀 if you moved em somewhere dead freaky 

Ray: go from Barbie to [friendly or not neighbourhood cat’s name because cats like to lie in some weird poses haha]

Joe: how much do you wanna fancy her 😬⚠️

Ray: 🙄🖕😑🖕

Joe: 😏

Ray: be Laura’s next jab maybe you should neck her instead

Joe: Won’t cheer her up, moody cow

Ray: I’d be made up if you headbutted her

Joe: can do that without swapping ☣️ flob

Ray: alright, I’ll wait & 👀 if you’re gonna for us

Joe: buzzing for when the lads ‘round her way bang me out for doing a girl in

Ray: they’re jokes those lads

Ray: but I’ll 🥊 her myself then

Joe: was serious, be a 🥳

Ray: I know & 💭 about it I’d be a divvy not to get in on the 🎊🥳🎉

Joe: can always give ‘em a reason to be 👀 at me

Ray: me 2

Joe: McKenna perks

Ray: & there’s the non scally 🎯 don’t forget

Joe: be the next goth kid to be kicked to death, like

Ray: you better not

Ray: what am I gonna do after you’ve been 👟🩸☠️? 

Joe: 😭😭😭

Ray: I’m serious you’ll be leaving me outnumbered

Ray: & their 3rd wheel 🤮🤮🤮

Joe: I’ll have to stop it from going too far then, can’t have that on my conscience 

Ray: no point bailing til I’m older & can afford [that street we were fantasising about]

Ray: have to ☠️ myself if you are

Joe: be back to barely getting by with the # of kids in this house

Ray: not my idea of fun to 👀 em as a 👻

Joe: Ghosts are shit, fair

Joe: who’s scared of a dead person who can’t move on

Ray: it’ll be shit haunting you if you’re not arsed

Ray: will have to make dead cert we’re both ☠️

Joe: sure you don’t wanna go out with him

Joe: well poetic 

Ray: shut it

Joe: third wheeling their ⚰️🪦

Joe: you had dibs first, technically

Ray: I don’t want dibs already had to live with him 

Ray: can fuck off he reckons I’m gonna ☠️ with him 2

Joe: me and you, then

Ray: 🛁🪒

Ray: cinematic tops poetic nobody reads

Joe: long as it looks like a scene out of a splatter film

Joe: can promise you that, easy

Ray: can’t have the only promise you’ve ever broke to me be the last one

Joe: I won’t

Joe: you’ll be in 17 pieces before I leave you alone with them

Ray: Why's it 17?

Joe: I counted

Joe: hands x2

Joe: arms and legs into 2 parts = 8 total

Joe: feet x2

Joe: torso you could break into hips, ribs and then shoulders = 3

Joe: skull and your spine =2, ta-da

Ray: what about teeth? 

Joe: isn’t it like 206 bones total, something like that

Joe: I dunno if teeth count but I’ll count when it gets to it, if you wanna get that specific

Ray: just saying you could take my jaw off if you’re breaking up other parts

Joe: no point keeping a trophy if I’ve gotta suck on the end of a rifle when I’m done

Ray: it’d be a shite trophy anyway I don’t get all my adult teeth til I’m 21 or something like that

Joe: they’re still in there

Joe: ain’t you seen a kid’s skull

Ray: no

Joe: I’ll show you when we do go back to school

Joe: it’s well creepy, they’re in the jaw behind the baby ones, waiting

Ray: that’s boss! 

Joe: librarian will defs wanna ring social if she sees 

Joe: you’re right though, it’s not what I’d wanna keep

Ray: come on then what would you

Joe: hair, unless I worked out a way to keep your skin from rotting

Ray: You can have some now I’ve got loads nobody’d even 👀 it gone

Joe: yeah? ✂️

Ray: I’ll do a properly small plait you can ✂️ when I leg it back

Joe: well nice, you are

Ray: you’ll feel much better & I swore I’d do whatever for it to happen

Joe: make me blush

Ray: a rush of 🩸 that’s all

Joe: s’not

Ray: but if you’d bleed for me it’s alright if you 😳

Joe: it doesn’t bother me, there’s nothing weird about it

Ray: exactly

Joe: I love you, you love me

Ray: 🖤🖤

Ray: I don’t need to count petals to know you do

Joe: not a head wrecker neither, not like other lads

Ray: I’d take a lit match to my hair before I cut it for any of em

Joe: thinking about that is almost bad enough to distract from thinking about the rest

Ray: they make me feel disgusting what they think about

Joe: they are disgusting

Ray: I hate it

Joe: I’ll make you forget you’ve heard any of it 

Ray: I pure love you 

Ray: so much

Joe: we’ll always love each other more than anyone else

Ray: everyone else is too different they can’t understand

Joe: everyone else makes me feel so mental

Ray: you’re not they’re 🧠☠️

Ray: 😴 through 💣💥🏠🔥

Joe: you 👀 it all too

Ray: yeah

Ray: I’ve pulled out my hair before cos it feels like my 🧠 is gonna 💥

Joe: I’ve done eyelashes 

Joe: hair’d be less obvious at this point though

Ray: getting gripped don’t happen however obvious though

Joe: true

Joe: just said I’d got conjunctivitis

Ray: I remember that 

Ray: how paranoid Fraze got he’d catch it

Joe: 🙄 he don’t get nothing

Ray: nah he don’t

Joe: like he’s still proper little

Ray: he’ll have his own kids & still be acting like a big one

Joe: I don’t wanna see that

Ray: we won’t have to

Ray: not gonna let him round ours & the spare key’ll be well hid nowhere he’d reckon on looking

Joe: no under the flowerpot bullshit

Ray: is right

Ray: & I’ll always be in we don’t really need 1 anyway 

Joe: I’ll hide you from everything and everyone, so safe

Ray: swear

Joe: on my life

Joe: no one will know where we live

Ray: soon as we’re old enough to go & not come back that’s what I wanna do 

Joe: we will

Joe: no hassle no thoughts you can’t escape

Ray: I dunno why I kept em to myself & didn’t tell you

Joe: talking about it is

Joe: some of it don’t even go into words, or your head says you’re not allowed to

Ray: my head’s scary when it lays down the law

Joe: I know

Ray: you know what to do I keep getting it wrong

Joe: sometimes

Joe: we can work it out together, the rest

Ray: I’m @ [whatever number of house is feasible by now in the timeframe like just so you know I’m doing it]

Joe: have you been scared

Ray: course not

Joe: you’re brave

Ray: McKenna perks

Joe: you know you’re the prettiest girl on the whole estate 

Ray: What about [whoever are considered to be the prettiest by general consensus cos there always are girls who are]?

Joe: much prettier

Joe: there’s nothing interesting about them

Ray: 😳

Joe: we’re even 

Ray: what about [whatever emo gals we hang out with here and therefore must think are vaguely interesting enough to do so] would you swerve em 2?

Joe: that depends

Joe: if I needed distracting, I’d neck on with them

Ray: you can’t

Joe: only if you ain’t about

Ray: I’d ☠️ watching that

Ray: [a slightly older girl we used to hang about with but now don’t because of her fancying Joe haha] fancies you 😒 it was her sly agenda for being in with us

Joe: have to really really change and become my enemy for me to make you watch that 

Joe: she the one with the streaks in her hair?

Ray: I knew you’d be able to pick her out the lineup

Joe: what she’s going for, look at me look at me

Ray: she’s well pretty

Joe: she wears a lot of eyeliner though

Ray: &? Don’t you reckon it looks smart?

Joe: it does

Joe: but being pretty with the right face on ain’t hard, not seen her without half her face covered in black, the other white 🤡

Ray: 😏 that’s fair like

Joe: and she was a shit mate so sod her

Ray: she wanted to giz us some streaks I said cheers but I’ve already got a twin could’ve been something to do with y she had such a cob on

Joe: she wanted a proper proper bezzie to have them sleepovers with

Ray: 🙄 never slept nowhere but home ain’t gonna start @ hers if I felt the urge 🙄 

Joe: me neither 🤞

Ray: don’t you dare

Joe: jokes 😏

Ray: punchline’s a gut punch 

Joe: not chancing it, any level

Ray: you’ll make me spew up on number [whatever it is]’s front step

Joe: having to do 9 knocks an’ all, not be happy with you

Ray: can 👂 a dog that’d eat it 🤞 maybe before I’m found out

Joe: free meal

Joe: feed begs like that, save loadsa spends

Ray: 💡 to keep us the prettiest on the estate & mum & dad safe

Joe: he would, known worse 🦊💩🐀

Ray: scatty old muppet

Joe: remember when he got into the sausages defrosting on the side

Ray: & the tinfoil off dad’s bbq 

Joe: shitting ⭐️s a well boss trick

Ray: he’s got a loads better 🔊👂🩸 bark than this dog @ number 9

Joe: got the hang of it now

Ray: 🖤

Joe: 🖤

Joe: they are walking him rn

Ray: Course they are

Joe: only jobs that get ‘em far away from mum, dad and the kids, obvs

Ray: jobs he can have a ciggy in his gob while he’s @ em 🙄

Joe: how else will you know he’s 💪

Ray: fitter to her through a cloud of smoke’s fair though

Joe: 😎 only

Ray: dunno where he’s put his glasses probably in the skip on [whatever a nearby road is called]

Joe: good thing they’re free, only wasting the governments money there

Ray: you’d reckon it was a fucking massive brace like [someone who unfortunately has one] 😭 he does

Ray: but yeah he’s properly grown & grock deffo not a big girl’s 👚

Joe: fancies himself that much he can’t hack it

Joe: no one else reckons he’s that potent, ‘cept Bea, like

Ray: what a 💔 to have

Joe: real tragedy

Ray: ideal for the film they 💭 they’re in 🤩

Joe: no great romances start here

Ray: do they even exist?

Joe: 🤔

Ray: gotta be a great big con like who do we know who’s in love

Joe: mum and dad?

Ray: 🤔

Ray: they wouldn’t shelve it in the 🥰❣️💕💒 section @ Blockbusters

Joe: neither of them is exactly Hugh or Julia, is why

Joe: dunno if we can call it not 🖤 though

Ray: yeah it must be 🖤

Joe: who wants 💐🍫🍾 anyway

Joe: he’d die for her

Ray: Bea 🙄 

Ray: you’re right though mum’d stay alive for dad even on days she don’t wanna

Joe: exactly, might be one of the only things they got right

Ray: they’ll be back safe if I do this right won’t they?

Joe: yeah

Joe: there’s more steps but you’re doing really good

Ray: What’s the next?

Joe: it depends where everyone is and what they wanna do, if you have any time alone or the kids are in your face

Joe: the list is endless

Ray: they’ll be stuffing 🍭🍫🍩🧁🍪 in their faces could drive a bus through the kitchen & they wouldn’t be arsed

Joe: alright, yeah, you can let Ro count and order the sweeties, she’ll do it proper

Ray: don’t need to 👀 her she never chiefs any

Joe: exactly, once the other 2 are back in too and mum and dad are out, I’ll show you how to check all the doors and windows proper

Joe: then you’re right, can go to the bathroom and do another one that makes your head full of 🩸 nowt else, ‘fore they’ll be arsed about a film

Ray: my heart’s racing & I’ve still gotta run back

Joe: s’as good as having your headphones blaring

Joe: you can take a break, if you need one

Ray: I don’t

Ray: I want everything to spin

Joe: good

Joe: so keep going

Ray: I’d be dead fast if I weren’t weighed down by the kids’ bribes

Joe: about sums them up

Ray: worth it for the peace it’ll earn me & you

Joe: be so much easier if we didn’t have to worry about them

Ray: what we get for mum & dad being pure in love

Ray: other people’s parents would’ve fallen out of it by 3

Joe: 🤢🤢

Joe: other people’s would’ve worked out how rubbers work

Ray: least Bea knows cos can’t trust Fraze not be that rem he’d chance it

Joe: the other girls he’ll have to worry about

Ray: you said none of them reckon he’s potent

Joe: some girls ain’t fussy, depends how much he still fancies himself in a few years

Ray: 🤢🤢

Joe: not if Bea has anything to do with it, you’re alright

Ray: she’ll go west

Joe: like you

Ray: we ain’t alike

Joe: not much

Ray: fuck you 🖕 not at all

Joe: Alright, alright

Ray: why do you reckon we are?

Ray: cept to 😤 us

Joe: how I said, you get jealous too, that’s it

Ray: I’m allowed to

Ray: you’re my brother she’s not his anything

Joe: not how she wants it

Ray: she knows it don’t work like that

Ray: getting what you want cos you want it

Joe: probably not

Ray: life’s only that fair if you’re a bute baby born in [the fanciest place they know]

Joe: I don’t care if we live there, I’d still not have no sprogs ever

Ray: You’d be a top dad wherever you lived

Joe: nah

Ray: yeah

Ray: they’d feel so safe & made up all the time

Joe: it’s too much, to make that happen all the time, why it don’t

Ray: if anyone could do it it’d be you

Joe: you want some, one day

Ray: I dunno it’s different when you’re the girl doing it

Ray: the kid has to be inside of us & then come out

Joe: scarier than any slasher, that

Ray: is a slasher if they have to cut it out

Joe: more like alien the other way

Ray: nobody tells you what to do if it comes out looking 👽

Ray: how long are you meant to wait & 👀🤞?

Joe: ask mam, Ali and Tommo were really weird looking

Ray: I don’t remember properly

Joe: really?

Ray: maybe they were so 👽 I’ve blocked it out

Joe: scarred you for life

Ray: there’s loads I should but don’t & have to pretend about

Joe: You was well little when Tommo was born anyway, most people look at pictures and fill in the blanks, I reckon

Ray: do you reckon I was weird looking 2?

Joe: you and him were blonde but less blonde

Joe: their hair was white like they’d seen 👻👻

Ray: I dunno where they got you from but I’m made up they did

Joe: not a box like mum, be suspicious if it weren’t her they popped out of

Joe: dunno where my hair came from, look more like Bea and Ro than any of you

Ray: they were mates mum & dad might’ve won you in a game of cards off em or something

Joe: might be onto something

Joe: ended up with the full set in the end

Ray: I think your hair is class

Joe: not like I’ve got a shit 80s perm, nah

Ray: we could have a go or tip the bleach on instead of downing it 😏

Joe: it’d go ranga then I’d be proper like their brother instead 

Joe: piss off with that 😂

Ray: come on it’d put off Mandy & [that emo girl we hate]

Joe: yeah, and what’s in it for me, like 😏

Ray: us not @ your throat about it

Joe: sounds like I don’t like it, put it like that

Ray: you’d like us as your proper proper bezzie more I reckon

Joe: have to 👀

Ray: I’ll show you

Joe: I’m glad you told me

Joe: and I could tell you, some of the 🧠💩

Ray: you don’t gotta hold back none now we’ve started

Ray: you know you can trust me with all your 🧠💩

Joe: You can trust me, anything

Ray: I’d pull out every eyelash to wish we could 🔒 the rest of em out tonight if it was any use

Ray: give you a fucking break 

Joe: you’re the only one who sees it, that it’s any fucking harder for me being oldest

Ray: they lean on you that hard I swear I can feel it in my own 🦴🦴

Joe: mum treats me like I’m more mature than dad

Ray: you probably are but that don’t mean it’s alright for her to

Ray: it ain’t it’s arl to put her bullshit on your shoulders

Joe: when I was younger, I didn’t mind, could tell it made her feel better so who cares

Joe: now, I dunno

Ray: you’ve had enough

Joe: one thing ranting to a kid you reckons got no clue, takes the piss if she still thinks that now though

Ray: she’s not thinking about you when she’s carrying on like that

Joe: if you are

Joe: then I’ll be good

Ray: I will

Ray: loads more even than I already do

Joe: how are you still so sweet, eh

Ray: clue’s in the name

Joe: it suits you

Ray: anything not to feel like she swapped 1 R daughter for another

Joe: do you think we’ll ever find her

Ray: if we did I wouldn’t know what to think

Joe: I don’t think she would either

Ray: maybe she’d understand our 🧠💩 2 but then you’d end up liking her more than us same as mum does

Joe: mum don’t know her, there’s nothing she can like or dislike, just her 💭

Ray: all I know is she wanted Fraze & she got me for a tag along & that wrecked her head

Ray: it don’t matter how long I’m here I can’t compete with someone who ain’t but she reckons should be 

Joe: you think she’d be better if it was only me, him and Tommo

Ray: don’t you? 

Joe: maybe

Joe: she was keen to crack on adding 2 more girls though so I don’t know

Ray: they’re different they make up for it a bit I don’t I’m adding to mum’s guilt not taking none away

Joe: I don’t think it’d make no odds to the girl, that you are and I’m a lad

Joe: she’ll either not care at all or be fuming at us all existing as a whole

Ray: I dunno how she’d not care they didn’t exactly hang about

Joe: yeah, but we dunno where she is, could easily be better than here without having to do much 

Ray: !! she could live on [their fantasy street] & be our neighbour & we’d have no clue

Joe: She’d be about 15 now, give it another year and she could go off and live anywhere she wants 

Ray: do you think she’ll come looking for mum?

Joe: no way to know, would you, if you were her

Ray: depends on the other one I got if she was pure boss there’s not much need

Joe: some people are curious, others would rather not know

Ray: Ali’d be off like a shot in her place

Joe: she’d try it now if she was

Ray: I feel like a divvy saying this cos she’s just a kid but she makes me feel rem she’s that sharp

Joe: nah, I get it

Joe: if she had been born in my spot, she might’ve actually sorted mum out, honestly

Ray: should’ve been me doing it

Joe: no

Joe: proper adults sort themselves ‘fore having any kids is how it is

Joe: you taking my spot wouldn’t make me feel better

Ray: I’ve let you down is how I feel

Joe: no more than I’ve let you down, all of you

Ray: if I was a better daughter she wouldn’t have had to keep on trying for Ali & all our lives’d be easier

Joe: shh, you’re not a bad daughter

Ray: I’ve gotta be nothing else makes sense

Joe: you haven’t done anything wrong, Ray, I promise

Ray: if it was true it would feel true & I wouldn’t feel wrong all the time

Joe: everything is wrong, the world is fucked, ‘specially ours

Ray: I don’t wanna be here

Joe: I know, me neither

Ray: I’ve fucked it I’m meant to be running & I’ve stopped

Joe: where are you, I could come find you

Ray: [wherever the hell this gal is]

Ray: it won’t work now nothing’s gonna work now

Joe: yes it will, you did all the doors

Ray: swear?

Joe: I swear

Joe: and I have backups, when I can’t do certain ones because everyone’s too in my face or the bathroom is hectic, it’s okay

Joe: just breathe and I’ll come get you

Ray: I’ll be okay if I sit til you’re here

Joe: find a patch of grass with no glass or dog shit if you can

Ray: 🧚🏼‍♀️✨

Joe: tall order round ‘ere, I know 😏

Joe: but you could lie and look at the sky, meant to make you feel better, cold dirt under you

Ray: deffo does

Ray: I’ll 👀 the ☁️☁️☁️ til I find one looking like [whatever childhood imaginary friend or fave toy Joe had whatever the vibe was there like I’ll say hi to your bestie lol remember them]

Joe: tah very much, been a while, gonna be right sulky

Ray: least I’ll be less sulky myself for 😢 if they’re 👿

Ray: sorted a decent excuse

Joe: I can handle your tantrums, if you wanna go back to that 

Ray: pull your hair & put the boot in for old time’s sake

Joe: have at it, girl

Ray: k then

Joe: in a bit 👌

Ray: I’m counting 

Joe: that excited to kick my head in?

Joe: sounds about right

Ray: can’t wait to work out if you can carry me further than all the 💪 scally lads & their bags full of cans

Joe: I’m well hard, you’re well scrawny, no probs

Ray: compliment yourself & diss us yeah? That’s what time it is

Joe: gotta get you in the fighting mood somehow

Ray: you wanna take us on that bad like

Joe: you scared now?

Ray: nah I’ll have you

Joe: 😆 more like it

Ray: aim to please & ☠️

Joe: don’t change

Joe: when you start getting older, don’t start only listening to top-40 and caring about getting off with chav lads in stolen cars

Ray: I’d turn the weapon on myself & be the one to ☠️ before I let any of that bullshit happen

Joe: I won’t mercy kill you just ‘cos you’ve gone 🧠💀 like everyone else

Ray: y not? if you pure 🖤 me you’d least try to save us from a fate worse than ☠️

Joe: wouldn’t pure love you if you were that much of a divvy

Joe: best stay as you are

Ray: on my life

Joe: good girl

Ray: don’t stop loving me

Ray: ever

Joe: never ever

Ray: good lad

Joe: cute

Ray: 👧🏼🌼🩰✨🍭

Joe: hey

Ray: 😏 jokes

Joe: nah, I just remembered something

Joe: you said you like my hair, do you want some too

Ray: yeah course I would

Joe: well you can have some then, I forgot to offer, be rude not to when you did

Ray: I’d have come @ you with the ✂️ anyway but it’s cute you offered

Joe: 😏

Joe: where are we gonna put it

Ray: I reckoned on putting it in my diary but then it’s stuck on a page

Ray: what if I want it without carrying the whole book about

Joe: what about something like… an old vaseline tin

Joe: or a tic-tac thing

Ray: you’re the sharpest person I know

Joe: thinking about it feels nice, my stomach isn’t in my throat 

Ray: making you feel better makes me feel better 2

Joe: can’t suddenly have a locket from nowhere, even if we could lift it dead easy for you

Joe: maybe your birthday though

Ray: you’re properly gonna make me cry

Joe: [you better show up boy, not have this girl crying in the streets, just laying yourself down beside her once you’ve checked the area several times like hey]

Ray: [just lie on him like hey cos what are boundaries or personal space]

Joe: [cup her face like you been crying or nah ‘cos we need to know]

Ray: [blatantly has even if we’re annoyed about the fact because a child of mcvickers should never, doing a little sniff like you gotta after you cry]

Joe: [using your sleeve to wipe her nose like a gross child would do because you do not care but wipe her eyes with your fingers at least ‘you’re alright, baby Ray’ being something you probably got called affectionately mockingly as a smaller child]

Ray: [letting him do that even though we are mortified because it’s him and we only trust you to see us like this, playfully and affectionately punching you over this nickname like we’re actually gonna brawl here]

Joe: [catching your fist and twisting your arm, lazily and gently, purely so you fight back not because we aim to win here because reckon it’ll make you feel better]

Ray: [just staring at him with our massive eyes through the curtain of hair that’s probably fallen over her face cos it’s lowkey so long and naturally straight always unlike the rest of these kids with their curls and whirls]

Joe: [now you’re just staring at each other like that’s not a thing, moving said hair out of said eyes ‘what happened to aim to kill?’ quietly]

Ray: [‘can kill with kindness too’ burying her face into his chest like that’s a normal thing for siblings to do, obvs listening to his heart while we’re there but hiding for a sec or two first]

Joe: [‘sorry’ when you mean that you can’t make it stop on command for the bit but it just sounds like you’re embarrassed by how fast it probably is rn]

Ray: [dragging his head into position to be able to listen to yours because it’s fast too from your little meltdown thinking that Tess does not love you and all your other exploits and worries like it’s okay listen we’re the same]

Joe: [when that does make you smile, which you can feel from the muscles moving in his face on your body if you can’t see it]

Ray: [smiling ourselves at that whether it’s felt or seen and also getting strands of his hair and pulling them gently and wrapping them round our fingers as best we can like we’re testing which bit we wanna cut off]

Joe: [when you can wrap hers ‘round your whole arm basically like lol ‘gonna need a fucking shoebox for this’ like you’re taking it all]

Ray: [shaking her head so much so all the hair tickles him like excuse me I don’t wanna be bald ‘dead subtle’ like 1. You carrying a shoebox everywhere and 2. Me having no hair left, doing the little braid that she said she would & looking at him like 😏 that’s your lot boy]

Joe: [just loling and watching her braid her hair and putting our index finger up and gesturing at our own like you get one curl, that’s it]

Ray: [watch her do and redo this plait several times because it must be super neat for him to have and also we must do it more than once for those ocd traits anyway]

Joe: [doing a bigger one the other side for the pisstake because you clearly know how with those 2 little sisters you’d all have to muck in with]

Ray: [oh the not at all casual intimacy of doing someone else’s hair, it’s FINE, taking whatever hair band we have that we’re not already using here and putting it on his wrist like you should also have this forever nbd]

Joe: [bringing it SO close to our face ‘cos we’re inspecting it for all the hair that gets wrapped around them and making 0 attempt to remove said hairs]

Ray: [so slowly and deliberately pulling it so it twangs against his wrist because that’s a good little coping mechanism and you can’t tell me she wouldn’t have used it]

Joe: [we all know that one baby, the way we don’t even flinch is gonna let you know we do, making eye contact again and plucking a few hairs out of her head ‘cos not trying to come at you with our totally unhinged behaviour rn]

Ray: [at least you can take the opportunity to show him your tiny hair pulling bald spot gal because it’d be so easily hideable obvs like I imagine behind her ear or somewhere like that and so we don’t ever have to but we wanna]

Joe: [touching said spot to feel the spiky regrowth because we’re just curious as hell, tickling her ear when we pull our hand away]

Ray: [loling and swatting at him cos I’m soz but only actual psychopaths aren’t ticklish it’s so weird when peeps aren’t, showing him on said ear when we’ve recovered enough to all the places we wanna get pierced when we’re older, going all in thinking you’re gonna have millions the way you do when you’re 10 like ‘I wanna get piercings all along here’ moving and demonstrating ‘and here’]

Joe: [pinching all the spots as she does ‘you’ll look so sick’ because we know your type Joseph ‘boys that try that hard look like knobheads, I’ll get my ear done though, just let the others closeup after I’ve put the hole in’ very much the energy]

Ray: [‘how many you reckon we could get away with before mum & dad notice?’ flicking her hair like thanks for hiding a multitude of sins, doing a face like soz you don’t have that luxury rn Joseph which we genuinely mean & isn’t a pisstake, are not elaborating if we mean literally all tonight or over time]

Joe: [shrugging so dismissively of your parents like the limit does not exist, which is not true, they just wouldn’t lose their mind over it ‘long as you keep it above the shoulders’]

Ray: [‘school then?’ cos yeah your parents are little rebhogs hence we’re more curious than we are worried about getting in trouble and likewise with school cos you clearly go to a shit one so they’re unlikely to care at all in our mind, sticking our tongue out and telling him that the oldest and coolest girl we hang with whatever she’s called has hers pierced like okay I’ll do that next too as if he means we can’t get piercings unless they’re in our ears or face haha no nips or belly button]

Joe: [conversely, they get really pedantic ‘cos I remember it was PLAIN STUDS ONLY like why is this the hill we’re dying on, same with no coats indoors and the ridiculousness they waste their time with instead of education, rolling our eyes thinking of as much ‘no hoops, no plugs, nothing boss’ but shrugging like can do it anyway ‘cos we don’t care about your silly rules, 😏 ‘she fancy me too?’]

Ray: [‘a tiny stud would look boss’ poking our nostril like here cos twas the grunge vibe and as if the school will be totally fine with that compromise, but the face like THUNDER and Tess style DEATH STARE when he says that because the levels we don’t want him to get with this gal we see as a legit threat cos genuinely think she’s as cool & hot as anyone is around here even though I’m sure she probably has an older sketchy bf anyways soz not soz Joseph]

Joe: [‘Xtina’ ‘cos she originated that look very much, I remember, with her dreads and dirrty lewk, soz we’re loling at your grumping ‘come on, she don’t anyway’ and miming a breaking heart as if we’re devastated here]

Ray: [actually brawling him in the way we didn’t earlier, too hard to be called a playfight cos siblings do be popping off like that so can and will]

Joe: [we know we just let you as is our energy, until you wanna stop]

Ray: [at least you’ll stop pretty quick cos he was only taking the piss we’re not livid and obvs don’t have loads of energy to be using beating you up sir even if it is your kink, just flopping down and lying on him again like we’re back at the start]

Joe: [just telling her about this girl’s older boyf and his cool boy energy because clearly the vibe, picking up some of this stolen stash and filling your pockets and whatnot so she’s less laden down]

Ray: [give him his faves so he can eat them before Tommy and Ali do if he wants cos stole them for him not those greedy pigs and we’re buzzing this gal has a bf so]

Joe: [shake your head ‘cos you said you wouldn’t eat so she could and gesture like go ahead]

Ray: [shaking her head too cos don’t wanna even though we could]

Joe: [finding out her favourites like no? And putting them in her jeans or whatever you are wearing pocket like for later then]

Ray: [I’ll have to pick her an actual fave cos we know Fraze’s are lemon sherbets but for now get up even if you make no moves to actually start walking back home yet]

Joe: [get up too, dust yourself off and stand next to her, holding her leg to yourself to line them up so you can start walking on the same foot and keep in step]

Ray: [start your walk back lads you gotta get home eventually so mcvickers can leave]

Joe: [gotta get these children set up in front of the telly with their bribes to behave]

Ray: [you’re welcome they’re all close af at this age and none of them are really clingy to you like a baby Grace situation but hence I was like we should vibe what y’all get up to cos you’ll get chance even though baze are gonna do sod all to help clearly]

Joe: [they’d be quite good at entertaining themselves but you have to keep an eye so they’re not rugrats-ing their way out into trouble lol because Ali is a ringleader honey; they’ve been fed, no one cares about homework and it wouldn’t be the end of the world if you didn’t bathe so it’s minimal what you have to do just the stress of the situation]

Ray: [just make sure they’re not being cheeky and getting into shit they shouldn’t, we see you Ali you tiny rebhog, you can probably cut your plait and his curl off cos that’ll only take a sec but you’ll have to wait it out til the sugar crash hits and you can put them to bed before you get to fully pop off]

Joe: [so what do you wanna vibe out miss]

Ray: [obvs we can do piercings like y’all said, is there anything else you wanna do from Joe’s coping mechanisms, cos we don’t wanna go too hard on day 1 blatantly but we’re also bonding here so]

Joe: [piercings is an easy way to do the self-harm without going in so that’s okay, we’re just doing all the holes, doing the locks and window checks and all that jazz, you’re clearly watching horror films and whatnot, awkwardly avoiding baze as per usual I’m sure, no eating]

Ray: [there’s no shortage of bad horror films to distract yourselves with no matter the era thankfully because we know damn well you’re not gonna be able to sleep ever, can snuggle though, perfectly normal sibling behaviour there yep]

Joe: [so normal, not at all gonna start getting weird real soon]

[ringhandspring]

I’m gonna write the story of my first ‘love’ on here. I figure I might not tell it anywhere else, and I prefer to read it back and to remember it in the future (+ I still think about him):

Chapter 1:

He’d moved from outside Paris when he was much younger, and he had a bit of an air of being ‘different’, he definately was a proper good looking lad, people always said. He came from an alright home life, he had two younger brothers and lived with his mum and dad.

I’d known him for a while but growing up like seen him at the park and stuff, we had a couple of mutual ‘mates’ but he went to a different school.

I remember when I first met him he was a fairly good kid, wasnt into anything too naughty, but his mates were pretty dorky, local and that.

So we would see each other around, and we got on really well. We both smoked weed. Both liked rap music. I was a pretty funny fucker so that was always my vibe. I was mates with all the scally weed smoking lads and my pass was I had good trainers and I could crack. you. up.

He was pretty athletic i reckon he still played a bit of rugby at this point for our school, so he was like strong, had long legs, really good thighs and a proper perfect arse sat at the top of them. I could see the outline of his boxer shorts through his tracksuit bottoms, which i would just stare at... that ‘V’ shape made from a tight pair of Calvins. He had a really distinct slit in his eyebrow where he got cracked by a football boot.. I’m proper hard just remembering him right now. His skin was a nice warm tone.

After a while he moved school to my school in like, year 8, and he sort of fell in with me and my mates. He started dating this friend of mine, but she lived really close to me and him, so we would all hang around a lot together as a three. Kelly, i’ll call her, was also the same girl i lost my virginity too ( i fucked her when I was really young like 12?!). I remember watching those two snog a lot. His lips were fucking perfect, I’d watch them kiss and touch each other as we all smoked fags and hung out. I knew I wanted to kiss him when I saw how they were kissing. I knew how she felt to kiss. But, I didn’t know how he felt.

He was horny I could tell and I dont mean it like, ‘yeah all lads are horny’ but he was like sexual, we were both sexual, its just a particular thing.. Probably hormones surging through us, we were definately interested in ourselves and maybe each other..

He always wore these gold studs and these tri-stripe adidas trackies, an air max, and a quarter zip top..

Back then it wasnt like I knew I liked lads of anything, but it was like a feeling that I knew I wanted to be near him and like, fool around. I really remember these extended moments of us catching each others eyes, while we’d hang out and stuff and I guess I just knew something was happening, or at least I hoped it was.

I went to his house a lot - almost every day (+ his Mum liked me) - we hung out there when we travelled back from school together on the bus. We’d play Grand Theft Auto on his huge TV & smoke some shitty weed we scored, always chatting and fooling about, sitting in his room on his bed together, or one of us sat at his desk..

We grew pretty close, and he continued to date my friend for a while.

As we grew closer we started to explore where our friendship could go, I definately felt like I steered it a bit but he was a willing partner. It all just unfolded slowly, one thing at a time.

[cannedhistory]

Making Beds in Brothels. 

A chapter from my memoir 'Making Beds in Brothels'. Chorlton Street bus station originated in 1950, in one of the car parks that took over areas once occupied by buildings bombed during the Second World War. In 1967 a large multi-story car park had been built, with the bottom floor taken up by the city bus and coach station. It was open on each side, but remained semi-dark even on a bright day, so you could pass through it easily on foot and, being a bus station, such perambulations passed unnoticed, in other words, it was a suitable venue for clandestine activities. To the right of the station were the ticket offices, a café and the public toilets. It was here, and at the corners of the street outside, that young men would congregate to ‘rent’ themselves.After all these years I can still recall the haggard, ravaged faces, often toothless with their skin covered in sores, of the heroin addicts who worked Chorlton Street bus station, their emaciated, worn-out bodies barely holding up the shabby clothing that hung off them: torn shell suit bottoms hanging over the bony arses of their wearers. Their hands fidgeted constantly with the toggles that tightened the string around their waists, for fear their trousers might fall and expose the infected track marks of their groins and upper legs. These men were the lowest rung of a despised profession, pitied rather than despised by the other rent boys, who watched them wearily. Experience had taught us that these desperate men would rob us at the first opportunity.Surprisingly, while these men occasionally had people willing to pay for them, mainly they made their living begging or by being an irritant to the other working boys, pleading, “Lend us a couple of quid our kid. You know I’m good for it”. The more successful lads were often generous, slipping them a tenner, “just for a bit peace”. The generosity of prostitutes on the street, slipping money to each other if the day had gone badly, buying food from the Village Chippy for those who were hungry, was part of that hard life. I still saw these lost souls tottering around the Village years later, although thinned out by overdoses, AIDS and other occupational hazards. I like to think some survived and recovered, although I’m not overly optimistic.There were two guys (I can’t remember if they were brothers or simply looked related), who were both tall, well-built and well dressed. These older guys survived, not only by rent, but also by ‘taxing’, the colloquial term for robbing younger prostitutes of their earnings.I remember the anxiety of seeing them appear on my peripheral vision, like sharks entering my territory. They watched out for who worked and who returned. They clocked guys leaving with the punters who paid well and would either wait for us to return or, if you were on foot, follow you at a distance. Then they’d grab hold of you, pulling you into one of the dark alleys, and demand your earnings. If you refused, a quick punch to the face followed by a punch in the kidneys ensured your compliance.You became adept at outsmarting them, dodging down an ally, or jumping on a passing bus. We referred to these men as ‘ponces’. They ponced off you, which was the equivalent of pimping, and there still strikes me as something beyond the pale about men who choose to earn their living that way. The people we feared the most were those working alongside us, and we considered them absolute scum, worse than the worst punters.The rest conformed either to the normal appearance of working-class men or ‘scallies’, wearing track suit, trainers and baseball cap or sometimes flamboyantly camp; we were a mixed bunch, mainly unremarkable in appearance. My defining characteristic at this time, was my extreme youth, I looked much younger than my fourteen or fifteen years. I was so slight and feminine looking, with longish blond hair parted down the centre, that I was sometimes mistaken for a girl.I spent my days wandering in an endless cycle: up and down Chorlton Street, onto Bloom Street and towards Canal Street, down the countless back streets, sometimes walking into China Town or down the tow path of the Rochdale Canal that ran alongside Canal Street, through the gay cruising area and onto Dale Street or Aytoun Street near the labour exchange. Sometimes I would stand on the street corner, for the entire world to see, in the hope that a driver would stop and pick me up, saying, “Get in ’ere lad, out of the cold”. I was on my feet till they ached, till my shins throbbed. The scandalised stares of the public didn’t bother me, they were the least of my worries.For rest and refreshment, we used the big old-fashioned café in the bus station. It was the type of steamy, busy café once ubiquitous across Britain: tables with Formica tops, screwed to the floor, and red plastic chairs, a set of condiments and napkins, menu above the counter. The food was simple: cheap home-cooked fare, meat and potato pie served with mashed potatoes and gravy, or a full English cooked breakfast. I fondly remember the egg and bacon sandwiches made with toasted bread.The waitresses were diamonds, always kind, always quick with a smile. Those smiles were as nourishing as the food, they kept you going, lifted your mood. Apart from we rent boys who frequented the café, so did other denizens of the street. Bag ladies parked their overflowing shopping trollies outside and, during bad weather, settled themselves down for the day nursing a cup of strong tea, while the waitresses quietly used to top up that cup all day and surreptitiously pass them a plate of toasted tea cakes or bag of stale buns, without a word ever being said, never asking for a penny. That’s how I imagine these street women survived; small acts of kindness by normal people. (Image: Manchester Archive) If you want to read more follow the link: https://www.amazon.co.uk/Maki.../dp/1080503099/ref=sr_1_1...

[scallyscouse]

Scally arse

[grapsandclaps]

STRICTLY COME WRESTLING - PART 2

Beer garden show done, it was off to The Litten Tree again for just a coke this time (around £2 a pint) and also a non-title match in the hotly contested Britwres Pool Championship series in which i lost to current champ (our Geoff) via black ball dq.

We then took ourselves to the delights of another wetherspoon for the cheapest pint of the day thanks to my 50p off vouchers being a CAMRA Member coming in at £1.61 for a pint of Titanic Ale which sank down my throat quicker than the boat.

News then came through of Geoff’s 4 horse Lucky 15 coming in for a return of £141, so it was an ideal opportunity to take advantage of getting a round off him in the Yates’s next door - £4.60 worth of Punk IPA thank you very much 😍. One gripe about this Yates’s was instead of showing the football scores coming through, they showed the titanic collision between Armagh and Everyone’s favourite mechanic - Tyrone playing Gaelic Football JUST WHY???.

Punk IPA done it was time to get the usual fantastic feast from The Sea Chippy which again didnt disappoint for around £7.50 you got Large Fish, Chips, Mushy Peas and Curry. A quick pint in the Spoons on the sea front and a charge of the phones next, we made the short walk to The Tower Ballroom.

Now as i mentioned previously this venue is heralded as like “The WrestleMania” for Strictly Come Dancing with its rich history as one of the UK’s premier dancefloors and a sprung one at that. Walking into the venue you could see as with all Blackpool indoor venues that this a majestic venue with 2 raised tiers and a vast floor area possibly holding around 1700 people. I would guess there was just over 1200 in here from a rough guess which is still impressive for a british wrestling show and they brought lots of noise with it. So here is what went down:

2 thirds of 3 mates pissing about (The Former Models) Joey Hayes and Danny Hope vs Sheikh El Sham & Seymour Gains (Sheikh & Shake) in a good opener with the former models getting the win with Hope hitting the superkick for the 1-2-3

Tel Banham and his cronies (Banham Boys) vs Matthew Brooks and mystery partner who turned out to be BIG T, it was like a match made in heaven seeing 2 of my current favourites teaming up. Banham back from injury didnt feature much here leaving most of the getting beat up to his Boys. To which they eventually succumbed to the power of BIG T & Brooks with BIG T finishing it off with a double chokeslam.

Next up was a rematch from the recent Tidal event with CJ Banks vs Soner Durson, but thankfully this match had more lights to see unlike the Leeds Show. Very much roles reversal from that match with Soner as the babyface and even though the crowd were a bit less receptive to this match, it was still good fare. Soner ended this match with the frog splash from the top rope to Banks and i for one would like to see him grow even further with PCW as he has been doing in Futureshock Wrestling.

Half Time Main Event was a technical masterclass between the up and coming Philip Michael vs Doug Williams. Now it might not be to everyones taste but i was impressed to see the younger Phil keep up with the vastly experienced Williams hold for hold for around 15 minutes, this was another standout performance for Phil even in defeat, i am just hoping now Phil gets the chance in more promotions to expand his character, something he is maybe lacking is a bit of charisma but that may come along with time.

In Ring photo with Phil and Doug next for £5 (Bargain)

2nd half and we start off with a 3 way between 3 of the PCW Academy guys - Dave Birch, Arcadian and Jake Long. I give it to the 3 lads they tried really hard here to get the crowd going including an insane stage dive from Jake Long to Birch and Arcadian. Jake looked very impressive here and as i have said has got lots of potential but alas he didnt get the win here as Birch picked up the cheap win.

In what was supposed to be Saraya Knight vs Lauren next (Saraya and The Knights pulled out due to personal reasons) betting was suspended on the number of vagina kicks tonight, so what was going to replace it you ask? LAUREN VS RHIO PART 2. Very much like their earlier match with Rhio looking better than Lauren using her strength to her advantage but she eventually fell to Lauren in about 7 minutes.

Dean Allmark vs Martin Kirby for the Cruiserweight Title was next but only went around 5 minutes before Lionheart, T-Bone, Sha Samuels and Iestyn Rees interfered to cause the no contest. So due to The Hooligans no show we ended up with an 8 Man Elimination Tag Match with Allmark/Kirby/Bubblegum/Ashton Smith vs Bone/Lionheart/Sha/Iestyn.

This started off wildly with all 8 men paired off around The Ballroom Dancefloor, including one funny moment where Sha Samuels slipped on his arse in front of me HAHA! Allmark, Kirby, Lionheart and Sha all got eliminated quickly once ordered was resumed back in the ring leaving Gum and Ashton vs Bone and Iestyn.

Bone and Bubblegum continuing their rivalry fought to the outside for just a bit too long for referee Des Robinsons liking and both were counted out leaving Ashton Smitj vs Iestyn Rees. The crowd was at its loudest all evening here cheering Ashton to knock Rees off his perch and surprisingly he did hitting the GTS and putting himself firmly into the PCW Title picture maybe as a surprise entrant into next weeks 3 way or later on in the year we will just have to see. But this was a very good match to watch live and the crowd was well into it.

Overall a good show in a fantastic venue that I hope they get to use again in the future, you can easily get noise reverberating quickly in this venue. Search it out on PCW On Demand especially for the Michael/Williams and 8 Man Elimination Match

Drinks prices £3.80 Fosters and £4.50 Kopparberg bottles.

So it was off on our travels and on to one of the worst train rides home in recent memory involving arguments between Youtube Personality Rick The Rock and a couple of very drunks Scally Man United Fans, the female of the pairing i wouldnt even touch it with mine (just embarrassing) U-N-I-T-E-D in a shrill voice for 90 minutes was enough for dogs to cover their ears. Then there was another argument with this pair and another couple who were complaining about swearing whilst kids were there. Then another argument in front of me around the Chorley area over whether someone was being racist or not - GODLEY AND CREME TO THE RESCUE!!

Graps Train are never this eventful but certainly dont want to experience this example of humanity again.

Next week i will be at the PCW 6th Anniversary Show for another double header and it looks a cracker on paper. But if you are not there i recommend going to Tidal Wrestling who have a show at The Church in Leeds #grapsandclaps

[punkscowardschampions]

Bea & Bronson

Bea: Hey Bronson: You don't have to Bea: I do, though Bea: it's important, your feelings are important, I acted otherwise, so you have to know that's not how it is, how I see things Bronson: Yours are too Bronson: I know you weren't seeing things clear last night Bronson: Call it forgotten Bea: Fuck that Bea: I know there's no forgetting Bea: and I know I've broken your trust and there's no getting it back Bea: but please, let me rebuild something Bea: I only did it because you're important to me Bronson: important in what way though Bronson: we aren't gonna be that Bea: No Bea: not like that, I don't want that Bea: I don't even want what I did, not really, I know that's just words when I did it but I swear to fucking God Bea: you're my best friend, my only friend, frankly Bea: it's a distancing thing...you know Bea: make you like him, put you in that box, that way I can see it as a good thing when I lose you Bea: but you don't deserve to be tarred with that brush, so I am, I'm really sorry Bronson: I've been around C & R long enough to see some fucked up boxes Bronson: and not walk off Bronson: I'm not doing that to you Bea: It probably won't be you Bea: that'd be me too Bea: I can't sustain shit Bea: I did the same to them, you know Bea: but they don't care so I didn't have to feel bad about it, got to be selfish Bronson: and they never bragged about it in my earshot...whoa Bronson: blessing or curse Bronson: I mean, if I was gonna, you'd get first dibs, but let's not make it weirder like Bea: Guess they give enough of a shit about you to not put that weird on you Bea: little did they know...ha Bronson: I mean they have made some offers over the years Bronson: But we were a lot younger Bronson: And the flashbacks only occur sometimes lol Bea: Didn't mean to add to the PTSD Bronson: You're off the christmas card list but you can still come for drinks Bronson: Nobody needs the newsletter and cringey family photo really Bea: Bron Bea: stop making it a joke if it ain't Bronson: I don't know how else to deal Bronson: You're not a club random Bea: You could tell me what you wanna tell them Bea: might help Bronson: I don't see it, you didn't have those motives Bea: Wanna violate my trust somehow Bea: hack me Bronson: Sure Bronson: Scope out that inbox Bea: go for it, serious Bea: #exposed Bronson: Am I gonna go further down the PTSD rabbit hole by catching sight of your nudes? Bronson: You can delete but they won't go Bea: I mean Bea: perhaps best to swerve my texts then Bea: uni emails Bea: ooh the scandal Bronson: Fix your grades while I'm there Bronson: 100 or nothing Bea: 🎯 Bea: Too good, you Bronson: Then, you'll owe me solidly, there's my angle Bronson: 👀 Bronson: Express your gratitude in a manner we won't have to run from and everything's normal again Bea: Anything you want Bea: WANT being the keyword there Bea: no funny business ever again Bronson: Swear on what you hold dearest Bronson: I can make those grades go down easy peasy Bea: Hmm, myself? Bronson: Those are my terms Bronson: 'Cause I can't stutter a no out don't mean a yes 😂 remember that going forward Bea: DON'T Bronson: too soon Bea: always too soon to be assaulting people Bronson: I'll stop smacking you with these punchlines in a minute like Bronson: Living with those two scallys too long Bronson: Not too soon to think about moving out Bea: You'd miss the mess you bless Bea: having your stuff knicked, constant undesirable and unknown visitors, all the noise and drama Bronson: I'll miss you if you do one after this botched reconciliation Bronson: You're my fave hot mess they ever brought back, Judes Bea: Don't make me cry Bea: this mascara is 22quid a pop Bronson: We'd be close to even Bronson: I'm worth at least that Bea: How rude of me to suggest otherwise Bea: but the foundation, the blush Bea: adding up Bronson: 💸 Bronson: Gotta get Ronaldo to teach you everything she knows about 🖐 discounts Bea: I think John Lewis would see her coming from a mile off, babe Bronson: There's a reason I have no fucking idea what one looks like inside Bea: like you're inside a upper middle class home but the bitch is also selling avon Bronson: 😂 Bronson: Take me there girl Bronson: I wanna see this Bea: Get you a pot of tea and a slice of something nice if you behave Bronson: I can be bought Bea: No judgment Bea: can't we all Bronson: Bring me coffee and all will be forgiven like Bronson: I've got the headache to end all 'em Bea: 😱 you? never! Bea: surprised you're not caning the red bulls already you animal Bronson: I would be if there was any left Bronson: hot commodity in this household Bea: 🤢 you are garbage people Bronson: You missed a trick not calling us monsters 😂 Bronson: It's early but you're a 🤓 Bea: I'm not gonna stoop to such levels Bea: any time of the day Bronson: Not gonna say your forgiveness depends on it Bea: Good Bea: not gonna change who I am, babe Bronson: Can't either Bea: Noted Bronson: But I'm not trying to change you, note that Bea: I know Bronson: Your man might Bronson: But I'm not going that deep into your inbox Bea: At least I don't have to tell him Bea: unless I drunkenly did Bea: bitch you better not have Bronson: I remember taking your phone at some point Bronson: If you're drunk enough to let me that's trouble Bea: 😬 Bea: Oh great Bronson: Get me his phone and it'll be like nothing ever happened Bea: idk if my skills of persuasion are gonna match his rage rn Bea: or pay for the first class postage Bronson: Quick trip to Ireland to buy my forgiveness and do some petty thievery could be a plan Bea: how is this for your forgiveness Bea: its entirely for me Bea: too pure Bronson: I need a- uh- Bronson: Guinness and Lucky Charms Bea: 😏 as cultured as I expected Bronson: Whoa there, I've seen that Leprechaun film with Rachel from Friends in it Bronson: Putting the cult in culture lol Bronson: 😂 Bea: Oh God Bea: 🤓 for all things trash Bronson: Blame the trash queen herself Bronson: A slut for shite horror Bea: I'll take great delight in telling her her Mum is just the same Bronson: Start saving for a headstone now I will Bea: she's gotta face facts some day Bronson: She'd sooner spite her face violently Bronson: We all know it Bea: 🤞 Bea: whaddya think I'm aiming for Bronson: Not to get Charlie about it but peas in a pod you two Bea: how dare you Bronson: face them faces, Judy baby Bea: Dick Bea: Now either way, I prove your point Bea: 😒 Bronson: You might be a smarty pants but I'm a smart arse like Bea: think of some witty retorts for Fraze then and go at it Bea: 'cos I can't face that yet Bronson: Time to build another fort and hide you in it Bea: gonna have to take up permanent residence at this fucking rate Bea: kick Tommy out of my old box room, that's not my graduate plan Bronson: Shack up with you like you're my actual missus Bronson: bedsits are very affordable Bronson: leave Fraze in the dust and forget the awkward convo looming Bea: Ha Bea: not exactly the plan either Bea: as much as I LOVE what you lads have done with the place 😽 Bronson: I'm not as house trained as poshos need theirs to be but not the pup they treat me like Bronson: We'd manage on our own, hun Bronson: love conquers all Bea: 💘 Bea: You're ridiculous Bronson: You need me Bronson: Too sensible by half Bea: 😏 Not gonna deny or accuse you of mixed messages BUT Bronson: Victim blaming isn't the way back into anyone's good books, love 😂 Bea: 🤷 Bea: don't want you to get the wrong idea Bronson: My ideas are fixed Bronson: No changing this mind Bea: that impenetrable firewall, I get it Bronson: Yeah Bea: Don't even be impressed by my nerd talk then, bitch Bronson: You can better Bronson: And we're trying to swerve pillow talk Bea: Look, I can't help being the best k Bronson: Back at you Bronson: Hard life being irresistible and unattainable like but I'm styling it out as effortless Bea: Ahh Bea: the one goal I can never reach Bronson: You're up there for me Bronson: If we stick together you've done it Bea: Safe to say I proved that I can't Bea: whore that I am Bronson: You're my whore Bronson: Stick around Bea: Who could say no? Bea: Such a charmer Bea: can't go in my inbox nevermind home anyway Bronson: Say the word and I'll clear it or pack a bag Bronson: Whichever Bea: Cheers, Bron Bea: what's the morning after without some drama to sort Bea: be at a loose end without it Bronson: Rather wipe your texts than clear up after the motley two Bronson: Disgusting Bea: Eurgh Bea: Don't even wanna think about them Bronson: How strong are the flashbacks? Bronson: I don't wanna think about that Bea: Why did you ask then 😂 Bronson: I'm a caring son of a bitch Bronson: And nosy Bea: Fair and fair Bea: wasn't that bad but not needing to repeat, is the answer Bea: but keep that on the DL Bea: not having them think I'M more repulsive than they are Bronson: I would but I feel like R's got that tattooed on her cause its such a legit review Bronson: Revolving door for her lack of repeat custom Bea: Well Bea: 'cept one Bronson: Let's not start Bronson: Enough of a headache without going there Bea: 2nd that Bronson: Onward to John Lewis Bronson: How much scandal can follow us around there realistically Bronson: We're well safe Bea: unlikely they're gonna want us to stock 'em up on overpriced knitwear Bronson: Trying to sell that on for anything but a loss would be an even worse headache Bronson: It's a no from me Bea: aw but you'd look adorable Bea: and sexless, more importantly Bronson: Would I though? Bronson: Or would I look quality in a bit of salmon pink Bronson: Trying to make me a target for the older crowd so I wouldn't turn you down next time, is it? Bea: 🤢🖕 Bea: nice bit of argyle Bea: golf chinos Bronson: 🏌 Bronson: a look Bea: if you wanna be some daddy's caddy Bronson: And risk taking Charlie's gig Bea: you know i know he knows he's past his prime Bronson: Yeah but I'm not trying to take his place in my mine Bea: Your loss booboo Bronson: Theirs Bronson: My daddy issues don't go that hard Bea: Worst luck Bronson: Like in the rankings I'm the worst horse to bet on if you want that action, dads Bronson: Pay my bills and get nothing back if that's your deal otherwise its a strike out Bea: save all this time I'm wasting on uni, eh Bronson: I haven't got a leg to stand on agreeing cause I'm still showing up myself Bronson: Half the time Bea: 👏 Bea: get you Bronson: someone's gotta show up to tell the rest to turn the computers off and on again Bronson: be a hero Bea: ⭐ for you Bronson: High five Bronson: We're killing it Bea: gotta slay in at least one area Bea: even if the rest is going to shit Bronson: I can't tell you not to feel bad about last night but I am Bea: I'm glad we're alright Bronson: You gotta get right by talking to freckles though Bronson: Rip off the plaster Bea: Yeah Bea: John Lewis first though, eh Bea: cheer myself with expensive crap when it all goes tits Bronson: Return it when the guilt kicks in Bronson: Easy fix for that fuck up Bea: If only everything had that 30-day return policy Bronson: We have to try on the most ridiculous shit they have Bronson: Guaranteed cheer up Bronson: Nothing's better than taking the piss outta me so I'm told Bea: 😂 sounds good Bea: though i can turn a look with anything Bronson: There she is Bronson: I'll meet you there but you have to walk in with me so I don't get trailed round the shop like the scum I come from Bea: wear your nicest hoodie please Bronson: Never dressing like a dosser when I'm meeting my lady Bea: so 😍 babe Bronson: Deffo