#sarah was like 'did you notice this' and my brain did a backflip so hard my head spun

[talesfromthecrypts]

Baldur's Gate 3 (2023) // Ladyhawke (1985)

for @spaceportfloozy

[myfuckingfanfictionblog]

THERE WAS A SEQUEL TO RED BULL PENIS

dallons in the hospital. he was diagnosed with osteoporosis.

he would be leaving the hospital the next morning after spending months in intensive care. they found socks and red bull in his bones and had to remove them. now he’s boneless. hes just skin and muscle.

like chicken nuggets.

but theres one body part u dont need bones for ;)

ur ears.

when he is released from the hospital, they tell him he has to pay 20 million dollars for all of the water he consumed during his stay. he ignores them. he puts on his sparkly pants and exits.

hes only wearing his pants. no shirt. no sexy lingerie. no socks. he hasnt worn socks since the… Incident.

he has nightmares about the Incident every single moment of his life, even when hes awake.

they had to amputate his leg and his dick stump too. he got a prosthetic dick but no leg. he has a peg leg now. just a stick glued to his leg. sometimes he likes to sit and chew on his stick. then he is reminded of the Incident and cries until he falls asleep.

he shakes away his memories and walks into the hospital parking lot, barefoot and shirtless, wondering what to do next.

he sees a strange vehicle in the parking lot. the door opens and zack hall exits. dallons heart races, he hasnt spoken with anyone associated with panic since the incident.

“fuck you dallon” zack says. he throws a cigar at dallon and drives away. the cigar hits dallon in the face and he falls over. his peg leg snaps in half. hurriedly he shoves it up his butthole, no lube or condom.

he pulls out his cellular device and contemplates who to call for help in this crisis while the peg leg leaves splinters inside him. he knows that brendon is probably smoking with zack, laughing at dallons misfortune. he scrolls through his contacts and suddenly he is hit with an idea. his one friend through everything. his main man. the guy whos never left him for anything. his bro.

he calls josh dun.

josh answers after a few rings with a confused “dallon?”

“hey josh please help me im in a parking lot there are splinters in my rectum”

“ok dallon im coming im bringing tyler” josh says and hangs up.

josh sighs and grabs his keys, giving tyler a nod as he quickly rushes to his skateboard. josh gets on his skateboard.

tyler quickly goes to sit on joshs shoulders. “onward mighty steed” tyler yodels and kicks josh in the ribs. josh screams in pain and starts obediently skateboarding.

they skateboard to the hospital gracefully and spot dallon laying in the parking lot. “ew is that dallon” tyler says.

“stop being rude” josh says

dallon cries as tyler picks him up

tyler holds him bridal style on joshs shoulders. josh cries because dallon is really heavy. tyler doesnt know what to do so he sticks his toe thumb up dallons ass.

dallon cries and smacks tyler, causing josh to wiggle and swerve. everyone shrieks. josh skates over a pebble causing tyler, dallon, and tyler’s toe thumb to fall over. josh gracefully backflips off the rogue skateboard but tyler and dallon smash into the pavement.

the peg leg is jammed deeper into dallons rectum and tylers toe thumb is still in his butthole. tyler gets a splinter. everyone is getting splinters.

josh is lying on the ground dead

tyler screams and pulls his thumb out, crawling to his dead band mate. he puts his thumb in joshs butt, but josh is already dead. tylers efforts are useless

tyler buries his face in joshs chest, mourning his lover when a car pulls up. the door swings open and two high heels drop down, and they see breezy. breezy stomps on dallon. the kids are shouting from the backseat about minecraft and fnaf.

breezy throws a grenade into the car, killing the children instantly. it hasnt detonated yet. she leans close to dallon and whispers “i fucking hated your kids anyway” then she gets up and steals a random car and drives away. dallon sobs and looks over at tyler

tyler is convulsing on the ground

before getting very far, breezy crashes into a juice bar and dies, cursing the one thing she ever loved for killing her as she takes her last breath

another car pulls up

dallon whimpers, he just wants help

a greasy kenny appears in the window

dallon sighs. he would rather have anyone else to help. kenny presses his face against the window and dallon can see the glass fogging when he breathes.

“r u ok” kenny shrieks. “is that a toe having a seizure over there”

dallon yells “fuck off kenny”

kenny gets out of the car and slips on his own grease puddle. he breaks his hip. “i am an old man” he cries “i need a hip replacement”

“ya i need one too you fucking grease whore but do u see me complaining no go shove ur dick in a pumpkin” dallon says. kenny cries and begs dallon for help but dallon just crawls over and starts beating the shit out of him. this is all in the hospital parking lot and nobody is helping

“not even my guitars can save me now” kenny says

“u can shove ur guitars up ur greasy butthole” dallon says. “at least u have natural lube"he adds

tyler is still having a seizure on the ground. foam starts to drip down tylers cheek as his body shakes and convulses

"hey tyler do u want some taco bell” josh says

tyler screams. josh is a zombie. rest in pepperoni.

“JOSH UR BACK” tyler starts violently fucking josh in the ass in celebration.

“tyler stop i just want some taco bell ur a bottom anyway please stop” josh says

tyler is out of control at the moment. there is no telling what he can do.

dallon crawls over and tries to join. tylers dick kicks him in the face. josh seems to be okay with a threesome, but tyler punches dallon in the throat. dallon rips joshs hair out in clumps. josh cries.

“my luscious straw locks. what have you done” he laments. josh now looks like tyler.

“tyler can we please get taco bell” josh says. tyler ignores him and keeps going. josh shits himself. tyler moans even louder.

“how did u know my kink” tyler says. josh cries and runs away. tyler screams.

now that josh is gone, there is only one other person to turn to. dolan. dalon. dallon.

tyler pees on dallon. “golden shower” he says. dallon screams.

another car pulls up, crushing tylers legs under its wheels. the door opens and smoke pours out.

josh comes back and beats tyler with a stop sign.

brendon and zack get out and walk over. zack gets lung ccancer suddenly.

brendon starts throwing weed at dallon. clumps of weed hit his face. everyone stares at zack as he dies of lung cancer. rip zack. sarah urie is sitting in the car drinking a smoothie and angrily tweeting fans. “bee kind” she yells from inside the car. brendon ignores her

brendon whips his dick out. its not a snake dick anymore.

“shove a bee up ur asshole!” tyler yells. tyler pulls out his toe thumb and gives them a thumbs up.

jenna joseph crawls up out of the sewers and flashes her wedding ring to everyone. tyler takes the wedding ring and eats it. jennas ugly eyebrows fall off in shock. breezy comes back from the dead to repair jennas fallen eyebrows even though her own are shit

“tyler can we get taco bell now” josh says

breezy spits on dallon and kicks the shit out of him. brendon begins eating zacks corpse.

there is still a peg leg in dallons ass.

tyler and josh come back with taco bell holding hands. sarah and breezy scream

“UNHEALTHY!!” they both run away and probably fuck in some grass

dallons ass gets an infection and he speed shits out the peg leg and all the splinters onto tyler. tyler spits his chewed up taco on dallon.

tyler moans as the peg leg pierces his nipple

jenna sees tyler nutting then cries and makes a noose with her shirt. breezy makes a green vegan gluten free extra protein smoothie shake. josh sees jenna and pushes her back into the sewer. shes gone

breezy makes some minecraft snacks and brings them to the squad. they eat the ugly torch pretzels and vomit everywhere. kenny gets up, broken hip forgotten, and roundhouse kicks her in the face. dallon swallows a pretzel stick torch whole then proceeds to drop dead

dallon says “werent the pretzels for knox and our failed abortion child amelie”

kenny drops dead

breezy says “ya but i killed ur dumbass children”

dallon puts on socks because hes cold. he cries and chews on the peg leg that was in his rectum. he has a flashback to the incident and screams. dallon stares down at the socks, the whole world slowing down around him. breezy shoves an icing pretzel torch up his butt. he cries.

brendon starts singing bohemian rhapsody in the background, demanding attention. nobody cares.

dallon lifts his foot into his lap, peeling the sock back slowly exposing the hair on his toe knuckles. he presses the warm sock against his cheek, taking a long whiff. he starts to eat the sock. he closes his eyes in bliss, remembering the moments he had with socks. he moans. his prosthetic dick has never been this hard

brendons eyes turn black as he notices, scales covering his limps. his dick starts wiggling. it elongates, until it is a wriggling tentacle.

he crawls over to dallon, head spinning around and limbs cracking.

someone drinks a diet pepsi. it is not known who.

the tentacle pokes dallons ear. brendon shoves it in dallons ear, literally fucking his brains out. dallon, still nutting to the sock, is dazed and confused. dallon nuts twice at the same time.

his brains spill onto the pavement. the pavement cracks open and ground beneath them splits, opening the underworld. tyler jumps in eagerly.

zack crawls back from the dead and mutes dallon on twitter. “you are muted. idiot” zack says then jumps into the abyss. the underworld sucks everyone in. it sucks in a mild sauce packet from taco bell, and josh cries and jumps in after it. the underworld is filled with socks and mountain dew

dallon floats up off the ground. brendon grabs onto him, afraid he will float away like a balloon. a dalloon. but brendon played himself, as dallon does not stop floating. they float until they reach space. brendon feels the gravitational pull of uranus

screeching, brendon pulls dallon into the core of uranus, where they are vaporized instantly

the end