#roy's eyepatch as a plot point

[cakelanguage]

Merry Christmas @okay-sky! I’m your secret Santa for the @fmasecretsanta2020 #fmasecretsanta

I had an absolute blast writing this for you and I hope you like this RoyEd piece as much as I enjoyed writing it. Have a happy holidays and I wish you the best.

You can also read this on AO3

--

The snow was a foot deep and maneuvering through it was a pain in the ass, but Roy was determined to make it to the post office in North City. Normally, Roy rarely makes the trip unless he's on the last dredges of his food supply but the potential for one of Ed's letters to be there had him pushing onward. 

For the short amount of time he'd gotten to spend in Central, he'd spent a large amount of it enjoying the company of the Elric brothers, specifically Ed. It was like an old wound had finally stopped aching when he got to see the man. And he was now. A man, that is. A maturity he never thought he'd see from the older Elric permeated his actions. While he still had a temper he didn't bare his teeth at the smallest of teases. He seemed wiser now and Roy wondered what he'd experienced in this other world. 

His interest and desire to spend more time with Ed wasn't one-sided either. The man--amidst Roy’s own scramble to steal his attention from Miss Rockbell and Alphonse-- found him at all hours of the day to discuss anything. From alchemic theories to the property damage done while he was away, the two never seemed to run out of things to talk about.

When he'd been forced to return up North, Ed had been the one to suggest keeping up a correspondence through letters. Roy didn't mention that he’d have to essentially hike to the post office and instead happily agreed. Ed promised to write often and Roy said he'd do the same. 

And he intended to. 

Which brought him back to his every other day trek.

He didn't know when he'd receive his first letter so he just kept coming back. For the first time, Roy was thankful for the cane that the doctor suggested he get for strenuous exercise in case the scar tissue flared up. He'd been adamant about not using it for the longest time, but out here -- where he wasn't surrounded by people who unintentionally put him on a pillar-- using the cane didn't matter.

His breath puffed in the frosty air as he took a moment to rest his legs. He could already see the city so he'd only have around another 30-minute walk if he continued at the pace he was going. 

North City was as lively as it could be for one with near-constant snowfall. While the population consisted mostly of military personnel there were still plenty of families and small businesses dotted amongst the abundance of government buildings.

These little businesses felt like they’d been plucked out of a different location, the warm glow of the fluorescents glimmering through the large windows. Roy's favorite was a little bookstore that specializes in customer requests. They'd take a poll from an assortment of people to find out what they wanted and go from there.

Roy indulged in much of the literature they had to offer and the sweet family-run shop told him he was welcome to make any requests he wanted.

Ed would've salivated at the thought.

On the outskirts of the inner city lies the post office. It was never terribly busy which was a blessing so Roy had no trouble siddling up to the counter. 

"Well I'll be," the scruffy man at the counter whistled, "you're back again already."

Roy gave him a tired smile. "Glettner, I just don't want to miss the letter I'm supposed to be getting."

"I guess, but you don't live in the city so you gotta walk here." He shuddered. "Couldn't pay me to make that hike more than once a year and I've lived here for over a decade." 

"I want to be punctual."

Glettner rolled his eyes, but those eyes only held mirth in them. "Well Mr. Punctual, you're in luck, a letter for you arrived yesterday evening."

Roy wasn't sure what his reaction was but it garnered him a chuckle all the same. 

"Ah-ha!" Glettner cried victoriously and walked back over with the letter. "This person must really like you if they're willing to use four stamps and Express delivery." He shook his head. "Express is always so expensive.”

The letter in his hand was hefty with Ed’s tell-tale god awful handwriting on the front. He brought the letter close to his chest with a content hum. 

“Ugh,” Glettner whined, “Go read your letter somewhere else if you’re gonna be looking like that when you only read the cover.”

Roy sent him a flat look. “I’ll see you, Glettner,” Roy called over his shoulder, tucking the letter safely into his coat. “Stay warm.”

“Speak for yourself! Try not to get yourself killed walking to the post office you flame-brained moron.”

Glettner always did say the nicest things. 

Back in the relative safety of his cabin, Roy was able to settle down and open the letter. Carefully, he pulled the small bundle of papers jammed inside, out onto the table. Offhandedly he stoked the fire a little more with a snap of his fingers. 

Admittedly, he’d missed the ease that using his alchemy allowed him with certain tasks. 

Colonel Bastard,

Roy snorted and shook his head. He’d already told Ed he wasn’t a colonel anymore, but apparently, the fact hadn’t stuck in the shrimp’s mind. He wondered if Ed still had his infamous temper tantrums about his height. 

Something to find out later.

The other man seemed to have grown up a great deal in the past two years, but Roy doubted Ed would’ve been able to calm himself down when it came to his height and the lack thereof.

I hope this gets to you fast, and that you haven’t frozen solid up there. Havoc told me about your cabin and I’ll be honest: sounds shitty. But they did say you had a fireplace so maybe it isn’t too bad as long as you don’t move from in front of the fire. Though now that I know what your job entails I can honestly say that you might be fucked. 

Seriously, who wants to stand out in all that snow to watch for potential attacks from Drachma? That’s what Briggs is for. So get your ass back here before your ass freezes to a chair or something. 

He couldn’t stop the laugh that burst from him. The letter was just wholly Ed and it almost felt like the other man was here in person. 

Al wants me to tell you he says hi, so that’s from him. He’s doing okay, he’s kinda got everything figured out now. I mean he obviously did before, he was doing fine while I was gone. He’s made a name for himself even if he did kinda steal my look. 

He doesn’t need me anymore. 

The ink is smudged and blurred in spots and Roy’s heart clenched in his chest when he realized that those were probably tears. 

I expected it and I’m glad he was able to keep moving forward with everyone’s help. I don’t know. I guess I didn’t realize how that’d make me feel when you were here. You’re kinda distracting even when Al’s around.

No higher praise than being able to pull Ed’s attention away from his little brother. 

Resembool is the same, which is weird. Germany seemed to change every day. There were always new people coming through or some kind of showcase going on. Did I tell you about the rocket we were building? It’s hard to remember that I’m no longer in a world governed by the laws of “modern science” instead of Alchemy.

I wish you were here. I miss your stupid, smug face. 

Oh did he ache for Ed to be able to insult him in person. 

It’s your turn to write a letter.

-Edward Elric

Beside his name, Ed had drawn what he assumed was a self-portrait of him sticking his tongue out in a cartoonish style. Charming.

Roy set the letter on the table and rubbed at his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose. Somehow, the letter only made him miss Ed more. He wanted to ease Ed’s worries and reassure him that he was needed. 

Well, he had a letter to write.

--

Fullmetal,

I thought telling you four times was enough, but maybe your ears were too tiny to hear me correctly. I’m not a colonel anymore so the name isn’t correct. Haven’t we known each other long enough to be a little less informal?

You’re right, it’s freezing up here, and staying warm is near impossible without the fire. I wear two layers of wool socks and I’m still wary that I’m going to get frostbite on one of my watches. 

Briggs is in charge of guarding our border. I’m just in charge of keeping watch on the trading routes that weave along the mountain valley for any sign of trouble. 

Al may not need you in the same capacity that he did, but I guarantee he’s happier than he’s been in the last two years now that you’re here. From what I’ve heard from both Hawkeye and Miss Rockbell, he always seemed to be looking over his shoulder for you when he’d accomplish anything. 

You are absolutely needed, and not just by Al. Never forget that Edward. 

Small towns don’t change often so I’m not surprised it seems the same. People grow older, but small towns keep to themselves for the most part. Every once in a while fresh meat joins the community and they’ll be a stir and things might change a little, but generally go back to normal quickly. 

City life is vivacious and ever-changing. A bigger place and more people means more changes. My aunt runs a bar and I remember how often the city would change around us. 

If by rocket you mean the one you released into that crowd of people, then yes I remember you telling me about it. But feel free to tell me again, you have a knack for storytelling that I didn’t think you’d have. 

I wish you were here too. I miss your impish face. 

-Roy Mustang

--

A week later, Roy received his second letter. 

Glettner gave him a wry grin and presented it to him with a flourish. “Your sweetheart replied,” he tittered, “should ask for a lock of hair in your next letter or a care package.” He winked at Roy. “Maybe something for those long, lonely nights.”

“Get your mind out of the gutter,” Roy grouched, “it’s not from a lover.”

Glettner sighed dramatically. “Well, certainly not with that attitude! You’re clearly pining, can’t you see it?”

He raised his only visible eyebrow at the man. “Really?”

The other man waved him off. “Nevermind, just get out of here. I’ll see you in a day or so.”

“Take care, Glettner.”

“Yeah, yeah, go read your damn letter.”

--

Bastard,

FUCK YOU, I GREW. 

Not that much Ed, Roy thought with a chuckle. 

I hope that’s a better name for you. And I’m not Fullmetal anymore, not really. Sure plenty of people are going to keep calling me that, but I’m not part of the military right now. Still gotta prove I’m not dead and shit. 

Do you know how hard it is to try to reinstate documents after they’ve listed you as dead? I was literally two seconds away from straight-up murdering a lawyer who was at city hall because he kept saying I needed more identification. Which is bullshit because I’m DEAD to the government. 

This would’ve been really handy when Al and I were running from the military, though. But not now! Luckily, it is being sorted out and I shouldn’t have to wait much longer before I have all my documentation in order.

That was good. Ed had just started the whole process when he left to return to his post and it’d given him a headache just thinking about it. 

So you lived with your aunt? Did you grow up in Central?

As much as I’ve traveled, I’m a hick at heart. I still enjoy the peace and quiet of the countryside more than the noise and life of the city. I can live in either though. 

A corner of his mouth lifts. Ed preferred anywhere he could read and learn without interruptions. That hadn’t changed.

Are you lonely up there by yourself? I feel like you’re probably spending way too much time criticizing all your past actions and moping. Fuck that. Tell me about something you want to do when you come back to Central. What’s on Roy “Smug Bastard” Mustang’s agenda?

-Ed

Oh, and thanks for saying that. I think I needed to hear that from someone. I’m glad it was you.

--

Ed,

I guess if you can so kindly call me something else, I can just use your name. And as much as I appreciate your affectionate nickname for me, you can just call me Mustang or even just Roy, it wouldn’t bother me at all. But if you insist on a nickname I suppose I can give you one too, shorty.

I haven’t had to deal with retracting a declaration of the deceased before so I honestly don’t have any advice for you. I’d suggest going through all the hoops that they line up for you to jump through even if a shortcut looks promising. Other people were claiming to be you for fame or what-have-you so they aren’t intentionally trying to be difficult. 

Why am I not surprised you actually thought about how useful the situation would’ve been back then… Maybe you’re getting predictable. 

I did grow up with my aunt as my legal guardian. Both of my parents passed away when I was a young boy and she took me in. It was a rocky start. I was mourning my parents and terrified of my new living situation. But Chris Mustang always did her best to make sure I was comfortable and taken care of whether it was food or new clothes.

But she also put me to work. I obviously couldn’t work at the bar, but I bused tables and cleaned the place once we closed for the night. 

Her bar doubled as an information network with her girls -- my sisters-- acting as spies while going about their business. People talk a lot during sex and will let their guard down if they feel comfortable. I learned my networking strategies from them.

I don’t know if I can imagine you as the typical hick. It’s something about all that rage and attitude that makes me think more of small town punks. But there is something nice about the quiet of the countryside.

It’s not I’m not I suppose I am a bit lonely out here. I don’t really have much communication to speak of besides your letters. They’re the highlight of my days. The only other person I normally talk to right now is the man who runs the post office. I feel like I’m disconnected from people nowadays. Whether that’s because I was part of a coupe that unsettled them or my demeanor is just off-putting. Let me know what you think. 

When I get back to Central, the first thing I want to do is look for an apartment. Then I’m not sure. Maybe go back to pursuing the title of Fruher. After the whole Homunculus debacle, I stepped down in a rush to… run as far away from what had happened as I could. 

After that… would you like to go out sometime? Get something to drink, eat a good meal with good company?

You’re probably going to have to fight to spend time with me at first. The team kept reminding me that when I was there that they missed me. But I’ll make plenty of time for you.

-Roy

--

“Roy, you have a package,” Glettner commented the third time he came into the post office that week. “Did you take my advice and ask for a token from them?” He leaned over the counter with a lewd grin. “There’s no telling what’s in here.”

Roy huffed and held out his hand. “Box, Glettner,” Roy ordered. He thought Glettner was funny and the man reminded him of an older, grayer Havoc with all his teasing and good-natured ribbing. It made him miss his team, though.

Glettner deposited the box in his hands before holding out a box cutter, handle-first to Roy. “Can I convince you to open it here? I can even let you use the back room for some privacy if you want.”

Roy shook his head with a put-upon grin. “You seem more excited about this package than I am.”

He shrugged “I don’t think you realize how boring it can get here. Usually the most exciting thing I get in this place is the military personnel transferring sensitive documents.” He scrunched his nose. “I don’t know, guess the whole thing makes my romantic heart sing.”

“You trying to get me to feel sorry for you so I’ll open the package here?”

“That depends, is it working?”

He chuckled softly, shaking his head. “Fine, take me to your backroom.”

Glettner threw a fist in the air and gestured to a door on the right. “Follow me, lover-boy.”

He grumbled but followed after the perky man. They weaved through the stacks of boxes and came across a desk. Glettner shoved a few papers to the side so Roy had a spot to put his package on. 

Roy set his box down and carefully ran the knife along the taped edges. He shifted through the newspaper that’d been carefully positioned around the gift. 

And what a gift it was. 

Nestled inside the box was a phone that was almost the exact one that’d sat on his old desk. He gently pulled it out of its protective paper. Now that he could see it fully he noted the wear on some of the parts. The rotary dial was a polished bronze and looked to be the newest piece on the phone. The body of the phone consisted of a few welded pieces of metal but the job was near seamless so unless Ed knew someone who could weld, he’d probably done it himself with alchemy.

He thumbed at the handset and couldn’t stop the grin that spread across his face. It felt like the same metal as Ed’s new arm was made of and he knew Ed had made that choice on purpose. 

“They sent you a phone?” Glettner asked, interrupting Roy’s casual admiration of his gift. 

“I’m pretty sure it’s so we can call each other in case we don’t want to wait for the mail system to deliver our messages,” Roy explained. 

The other man turned his attention to him sharply. “So I won’t see you anymore?”

Roy shook his head. “No, you’ll still have to see me,” he nodded his head at the phone, “Even with a phone I won’t have a guaranteed connection with where I am, but it gives us the option if we…” He paused, his smile going from soft to joyful, “to hear each other’s voice.”

“Aw fuck,” Glettner sniffled, “you’ve got that mushy look on your face.”

Roy’s face closed off. “Better?”

The postman shook his head. “I think whatever you two are, it makes you better.” He rubbed at his nose and shrugged. “Take that as you will.”

--

Setting up the phone was relatively easy after he finagled a makeshift antenna to the roof of the cabin. He’d picked up a few pieces of scrap steel and transported his load back to his cabin. With a quick transmutation, he’d constructed an antenna that would ideally not break if the storms got bad. 

Ed had suggested he use steel in his letter and if he trusted anyone when it came to metal knowledge it’d be the Fullmetal Alchemist, Edward Elric.

He glanced over at the letter he’d set on the table and reread what Ed had written.

… Winry and Al pointed out to me that I could be calling you if I didn’t want to wait to get a letter. But when I asked Riza how to call you she told me you didn’t have one.

What kind of bullshit is that? I figure everyone has a phone but then you get relocated and haven’t bothered to get a phone in the two years you’ve been gone?

There's a large inkblot on the dot of his question mark as if Ed had paused to gather his thoughts but forgotten to pick up his pen.

 Sounds like you were in a bad place. 

Ed had always had a special gift of understanding why Roy did what he did. Even more so now that he'd matured more and had gone through a similar mindstate.

I get that. I’ve been there. But I’m taking away some of this forced isolation you’ve coveted for yourself. 

I’m not telling you that you have to start talking to people now that you have a phone, but try. You may have lost an eye, but you aren’t blind. And you have tons of people who care about you and I know you can see that so don’t keep shutting them out.

Like that. 

Everyone else had given him ample space to adjust to his vision change and his disillusionment of the government he'd put so much time and effort into. But that space became hard to contain and soon he'd pushed almost everyone behind the protective wall he'd crafted for himself. 

He needed someone to tell him that what he was doing couldn't-- nor should it-- continue. 

I’ve written everyone’s number down on the back of this letter just in case you forgot, old man. I hijacked the Rockbell’s landline so I can have a phone in my room. Feel free to call whenever after seven. 

I don't care if it's ass o'clock in the morning, call me if you need me or wanna talk or whatever. 

Talk to you soon, hopefully.

-Ed

He didn't use the phone for a good three hours until the hands on the clock were just shy of eleven. He tried two fingers of scotch to help him sleep, but it left a smoky aftertaste in his mouth that brought up too many memories of being a walking crematorium. 

He finished spinning the dial and waited for the call to be picked up or ignored. It wasn’t that he thought Ed was lying about being able to call whenever, but Ed couldn’t guarantee he’d be by the phone at all times.

There was a click and then a familiar voice echoing through the receiver. “Rockbell Automail, the store hours are from 9 a.m. to 6 p.m. but if this is an emergency we’ll see what we can do,” Ed recited before continuing with a knowing tone, “Unless this is a certain soldier out in the middle of nowhere up North who received his package and decided to give me a call.”

Roy wasn’t one you would call a religious man, but he considered praying for patience. “Hello, Edward,” he conceded. 

“Fuck… holy fuck Roy,” Ed said with the sort of casual blasphemy only he would dare. There was a shuffling on the other end of the line. “You actually called.”

“Time hasn’t made you any less explicit,” Roy teased. He imagined a metal middle finger jerked at him in return. 

“It’s been what? A month?” Ed snorted, “If my cursing hasn’t changed since I was a kid then a month has no chance of changing it.”

He grinned and propped his head up with his hand. “You’re right about that.” He looked around the room for something to focus on, landing on Ed’s letter. “How are you?” The question came out softer than he’d like, but it’s what he meant.

Ed made a noncommittal noise. “It’s weird. The old lady and Winry keep treating me like I’m still a little kid. Maybe it’s because they didn’t get to see me grow up over the last two years. But they’re doing their best to adjust.”

Roy hummed in understanding. “It’s not dissimilar to a person coming back from deployment. They know the person who left, not necessarily the person who comes back.”

“Yeah, I guess… It’s still taking some getting used to. How come you didn’t treat me like I was the teen you last saw?”

“You’re a brat, but it was easy to see you’d changed.” That golden hair pulled back into a ponytail instead of his signature braid. The broad shoulders that filled out his brown trenchcoat and the bookish outfit underneath. He might mourn the loss of the man’s leather pants, but he looked every inch of the man he’d become. His thoughts made him brave. “You’ve become quite the looker, Ed.”

A sputter from the other line had Roy chuckling into his shoulder. It’s enchanting to hear Ed’s embarrassment over the phone and a longing yawned in his chest to see the ruby flush against the man’s cheeks. To see the way he’d turn incredulous eyes to gawk at Roy like he’d spoken gibberish. To see Ed fight the smile that’d reveal his teeth in joy instead of a threat.

He just wanted Ed. Here, with him. Or him with Ed. Together. 

Glettner was more aware of Roy’s feelings than he was.

“-up! I hope you’re not mocking me you ass,” Ed grumbleing finally making it through Roy’s thoughts. 

“I’m not mocking you, you really are beautiful.”

The line remained silent for a stretch and Roy wondered briefly if he’d pushed Ed a little too much. That he’d made the man uncomfortable with his sudden forwardness. 

“You look pretty good yourself,” Ed mumbled.

His heart skipped a beat in his chest and his cheeks grew warm. “Not much to look at compared to you,” Roy managed to say.

“Yeah, okay, sure,” the eye roll unmistakably tacked onto the statement. “I’m guessing you couldn’t sleep.”

“Couldn’t I have called you because I wanted to hear your voice?”

Ed actually laughed at that. “You could and I’m flattered, bastard, but I can hear the exhaustion in your voice.”

“Alright, yes I can’t sleep.” 

“What do you want me to do about that?”

What indeed. He already felt better after hearing Ed’s voice so perhaps more of that? “Tell me about your day.”

“As long as you're willing to pay anything the Rockbell’s might be charged for the long-distance call, I’ll talk all night.”

“Just until I fall asleep should do the trick.”

“Well get comfy and I’ll tell you about my return to city hall.”

Roy settled as comfortably as he could on his couch and closed his eyes, letting himself drift upon the lilts and steadiness of Ed’s voice. 

--

As they reach the two-month mark of their separation, Roy was getting antsy. His transfer back to Central seemed to be in a stalemate. Too much silence from both sides for Roy’s patience to tolerate. He already sent another letter to Ed to inform him that he still didn’t have a timeframe for his return. 

With no set date for his relocation, he got wrapped up in his thoughts. The snow bit angrily at his cheeks and he’d started moving his post office trips to every three days because he couldn’t get his body to plow through the snow. The cabin’s walls were thin and the flames fanned uselessly in the fireplace no matter how close Roy put himself to the heat source. 

Loneliness he’d been able to ignore for years was near intolerable now. He’d talked to his team, reconnected with Riza, or at least started mending the relationship that’d been damaged in the wake of Bradley’s defeat and the loss of his eye.

But ever since his realization during the phone call with Ed, nothing seemed to fill the Ed-sized space in his heart. He pondered on the feelings he’d developed for Ed, questioned why he loves him but only came up with Ed himself as the reason. 

He took a sip of his tea when he heard a knock on his door. 

The suddenness of the noise was enough to startle him into almost dropping his mug and he turned a wary eye to his door. He didn’t get visitors, not out here. The only time anyone had visited him it’d been about the strange phenomenon that ultimately led to Ed returning home to them. 

He doubted something that severe would pop-up again in such a short span of time, but stranger things had happened so he couldn’t rule out the possibility. 

Slipping on his gloves, he cautiously approached the door. He waited until he heard another knock before he openned the door, his fingers poised to snap.

And there’s Ed.

Snow and ice clung to his clothes and he noted that Ed’s trench coat seemed to now be lined with a fur of some kind. He took in Ed’s wind-chafed skin and red nose, saw the ice crystals that had attempted to attach themselves to his lashes. 

This couldn’t be real. He must’ve fallen asleep and he’s dreaming. He had to be. 

Except Ed was waving his hand obnoxiously in his face, grinning at him with the pride of a show dog. “You still in there or did I break you?” Ed asked.

He gaped uselessly at the figure that stood in front of him. “Ed?” He rasped, still not believing his eyes. 

“The one and only.” He tilted his head to the side, his smile going lazy. “Are you gonna make me stay out here much longer? Because I’m pretty sure my toes have fucking frozen off and I only have five. I really can’t lose them.”

Roy snapped his jaw shut with a click and stepped back to let Ed in. “Yeah, of course, come in.”

Ed blustered in with all the hesitation of a tornado, stripping out of his dripping coat and unwinding the scarf from around his neck, hanging both over his kitchen table. 

“Thank fuck you have a fireplace,” Ed grunted, holding both of his hands out towards the heat source. “If Winry and Granny hadn’t hooked me up with this new automail I would’ve really gotten frostbite.”

Roy nodded absent-mindedly, still stuck on the reality that Ed was here in his cabin. “How-How did you get here?”

Ed’s forehead furrowed. “Well after I took a train up here I asked around if anyone knew where I’d find a soldier with an eyepatch, the postman pointed me in the right direction.” He shrugged. “Then I walked here.”

He'd have to thank Glettner the next time he saw him. Or avoid him at all cost because the man was never going to let him live this down. He probably felt like he was some sort of matchmaker, guaranteeing Ed made it to him.

“Through all the snow?”

The man squinted at him. “Yes?” It came out as a question more than an answer. “Are you okay? You’re really stuck on this whole ‘Ed’s here with me’ thing.” 

And what’s he supposed to say to that? That he’s still convinced that this could only be a dream because this sort of thing doesn’t happen to him. “I just never expected you to come here.”

He gets a bemused expression from Ed for that. “Why not? I got your letter.” He huffed and lounged on his couch. “So they can’t even give you a date?”

He shook his head. “Not now, maybe in a week or two, I’ll get an answer from them.” Roy shuffled awkwardly for a moment trying to decide what to say. “Do you want some tea?”

Ed snorted, his nose crinkling. “I could go for some tea, but I’m fine with something stronger if you've got it.”

He cocked his head to the side and crossed his arms. “Don’t you mean if I’m feeling generous?”

“Nope,” Ed chimed.

“Let’s start with tea,” Roy snagged the only other mug he owned and poured Ed a cup, “get you warm first. After that?” He handed the mug to Ed who took it gratefully. “We’ll see about alcohol.”

Humming in agreement Ed took an aborted sip, cursing as the liquid scorched his tongue. “Fuck, dammit you could’ve warned me it was this hot,” Ed grumbled, glaring at his mug. 

“I didn’t know you were expecting cold tea.”

“Bastard.”

“Brat.”

The jibes were gentle despite themselves and Roy felt the familiar contentment in his being that he’d been getting when he was with Ed in any capacity. Whether it’s a phone call or in-person or even in a letter. Ed remained a stained glass masterpiece in his heart.

They sat in campanionable silence. The flickering of the fireplace casted a red glow around the room except for Ed. Ed’s always an exception. Instead of the red overlay across Ed, he glowed gold. 

His skin -- tanned and scarred-- reminded Roy of wedding rings and sun-warmed bronze. His eyes of finely crafted jewelry and the lace-gold details in famous paintings from the west. And his hair. The finest silk, bundled into a ponytail that trailed to at least the bottom of his shoulder blades.

He desperately wanted to say something to hear more of Ed’s voice. A voice that had haunted his mind for the past two years. A desperation to take, take, take until he had all of Ed. 

“I didn’t get to say this before,” Ed said, finally breaking their silence. “But I’m a fan of the eyepatch.”

From anyone else, he would’ve ignored the comment, but Roy knew that Ed was being serious right now. “It was a necessity after Bradley got it,” Roy said, setting his cup down and bringing a hand to the patch. “It isn’t a pretty sight, even Hawkeye had trouble looking at it.”

“I doubt that,” Ed took another sip from his drink, “if anything she probably still feels guilty that you lost it at all.”

He made a noncommittal noise. “No one should feel guilty about this, I got it taking Bradley down. And I survived.”

“You did.” Ed grinned at him. “And I think the patch makes you look rugged.”

Roy snorted and quirked a brow at him. “Sure that’s not just from living out here for the past two years?”

Ed’s eyes rolled so hard that Roy’s surprised they didn’t just pop out of his skull. “You haven’t grown any stupid facial hair yet so I’d say it’s the patch.”

“You don’t think I’d look good with facial hair?”

The tips of Ed’s ears flushed. “I didn’t say that,” he mumbled, “I am saying you’d look god awful with a moustache.” 

There is a niggling temptation to grow one just to get on Ed's nerves but he pushed that thought aside. He heaved a dramatic sigh. "I suppose I'll refrain for now." 

Ed laughed and it reverberated through him with the warmth of an embrace. He wanted to bottle the noise up and tuck it into the spaces between his ribs. Roy couldn't remember the last time he felt this content.

The other man was still looking at him when he focused back on their conversation. "Can I see it?"

Roy’s face closed off and he shifted awkwardly on the couch. “You… you want to see it?” He clarified because surely he'd heard wrong.

Ed shrugged and scooted a little closer. “Why wouldn’t I?”

He asked like it should be obvious to Roy, but doesn’t comment on it. Roy couldn't bring himself to deny Ed something that Roy was readily willing to give. Wanted to give. And maybe there's a small part of him that wanted to show someone. To not have someone shy away from the topic. To look at all of him now and not who he was before. 

Maybe he didn't just leave Central because he wanted to still help his country through a corrupt system.

Maybe he was tired of hiding.

He reached his hand up towards the strings that held his eyepatch in place but hesitates. "Are you sure you want to see it?" He wondered if he would want to see it if this was someone else. He knew for sure that he’d want to see Ed. Roy swore to himself that he’d never hesitate to look at Ed’s scars, not a single one of them would be skipped by his eyes.

Ed's eyes softened and he moved himself closer to Roy. They were barely a foot away from the other, their knees knocking together. The solid press of Ed’s automail knee against his own was surprisingly grounding. He wonderd if anyone else felt this way about Ed’s prosthetic limbs.

Ed didn't hesitate when he cupped Roy's face with his metal hand. He expected the harsh metal to be icy to the touch – unlike his leg that was still covered by the thick material of Ed’s pants – but it was heat-licked by the fire. Roy couldn't help but lean into the touch with a pleased sigh.

Mirth twinkled in Ed's eyes like honeyed gold. He ran his thumb along the bottom edge of his eyepatch. "I'm sure."

I want to see you. That’s what Roy heard inbetween Ed’s words. It didn't need to be said. Ed had already proven his surety with his touch, but it comforted Roy to hear it all the same. 

The satin ties of his eyepatch were easy enough to undo after he loosened the knot and soon the patch was fluttering down into his lap. He kept the eye closed for now, letting Ed see the mess of scars from the enucleation and trauma from Bradley’s blade. He watched Ed’s face for any reaction through his good eye, watching as he took in his face as a whole.

The first brush of Ed’s metal hand on the scars had him letting out a shuddering breath. His heart was pounding erratically in his chest and he couldn’t stop his sudden panic. It’s just Ed. Edward was the only one here with him. It’s just them. Together. Here. Now and not then. This steel was warm and nothing like the biting edge of a blade.

A second hand joined the first, this one with calluses and worn nails that worked their way through his hair. Instantly, he found himself relaxing under the ministrations of Ed’s talented fingers. Losing time or just forgetting everything that wassn’t Edward Elric.

“Come on, lemme see those eyes of yours, Colonel Bastard,” Ed urged, his thumb teasing along Roy’s cheekbone.

Despite himself, Roy found himself smiling. “Not a colonel anymore, Fullmetal,” he reminded Ed, “and I only have one eye.”

“Not Fullmetal anymore, Roy.”

He could hear his name on Ed’s lips for the rest of his life and Roy would never stop feeling his heart skip a beat. “Ed.”

Slowly, he opened both of his eyes and went back to watching Ed’s face. The breath hitched in Ed’s lungs for only a second before it settled back to normal. Roy couldn’t blame him. The clear conformer that prevented his eyelid from collapsing into the socket gave a clear view of the hollow interior. He hadn’t bothered getting a prosthetic eye, not when he’d been out here by himself for so long. His doctors still weren’t sure when he would even be able to wear one given the damage done to his eyelid and ocular cavity.

Instead of the multitude of reactions that Roy had prepared himself for, Ed gave him a gentle smile and cupped his face with both hands. “There you are.”

“How do I look?” Roy asked as though he couldn’t see the way Ed looks at him.

Maybe he couldn’t, because there’s a touch of uncertainty to Roy’s question that he couldn’t write off. Whether it’s over the way the scars mar his handsome face or over what Ed might think about his appearance, Roy couldn’t decide.

“Like you can take on the world,” Ed said without hesitation.

Stealing himself, Roy closed the distance between them and sealed their mouths together. Ed’s lips are chapped from his journey through the snow, but warm and solid against his own. He didn’t intensify the kiss, keeping it chaste since Ed hadn’t started to kiss him back. 

Reluctantly, he pulled away from Ed trying to catch the younger man’s eyes. Did he ruin this? “Ed?”

“Kiss me again,” Ed ordered but didn’t bother waiting for Roy to act, instead grabbing two handfuls of his shirt and smashing their lips together.

It’s messy, too much tongue and their teeth clack painfully against each other like Ed wanted to devour him, but he dived right in. He took control of the kiss, guiding Ed’s lips to slide against his own at a more sedate pace. The corners of his mouth turned up when Ed sighed against his mouth, a near-silent moan escaping him. 

Roy trailed a hand up Ed’s back until he reached the end of the man’s ponytail. He wrapped the silken strands around his fingers and tugged lightly. Ed splayed his hands against the plains of his chest, releasing his shirt from his grasp. 

When he found himself desperate for oxygen, he pulled away once more. Ed made a displeased groan but sat back enough to stare at Roy.

The affection and happiness that sparkled in Ed’s eyes was overwhelming and he couldn’t help but tell Ed exactly how he felt. “I think I love you,” Roy whispered.

Ed smiled back at him, his lips kiss-bruised and tempting. “Why do you think I’m here, Roy?” 

He didn’t have to say it because Ed always showed you how he felt. So when Ed tilted his head back, Roy capitulates to the silent request, sealing their mouths together again.

A flame captured by the glint of gold and steel.

[lucyreviewcy]

The Three Three Musketeers (or Where The F*ck Did All The Stupid Hats Go)

I read The Three Musketeers and then I watched the 1973, 1993 and 2011 adaptations. Which one wins tho?

Adaptation is a fascinating concept, especially of texts which are frequently adapted or parodied. After I rewatched the 2005 Pride and Prejudice I was reminded how weirdly divisive the two dominant adaptations of that book are. A lot of people consider the 2005 to be an inferior betrayal of the 1990s BBC version. I actually prefer the 2005 because I think Matthew McFadyen’s Mr Darcy is a wonderfully complex character. McFadyen imbues Darcy with social awkwardness and anxiety, which Lizzie misinterprets as his pride. To overcome the “Lizzie doesn’t fancy him ‘til she sees his house” debate, director Joe Wright includes a moment where Lizzie glimpses Darcy alone with his sister. He’s comfortable, his body language is completely different, and he’s smiling broadly. That moment really sold me on the entire film because it made Darcy a full character and was a really simple addition that rounded out the story. I still like the 90s version but for me, it’s the 2005 that takes first place.  (Although an honourable mention for Pride and Prejudice and Zombies because it is an excellent romp.)

Look: adaptation is always a complicated topic. You can’t untangle one adaptation from another, because it’s pretty rare that somebody adapting a classic text like Pride and Prejudice or The Three Musketeers is not already familiar with existing adaptations. The most recent adaptation of any classic text is not simply an adaptation of that text, but the next step in a flow chart that includes all the previous adaptations and the cultural context of the newly created product. These three adaptations of Dumas’ 1844 novel are all texturally and stylistically very different, and two of them diverge significantly from the original text. What I found truly fascinating was what all of them had in common, and what each new era (these were made at around 20 year intervals) decides to add or remove. What do all these movies agree are the essential parts of the story, and what are some adaptations more squeamish about including from Dumas’ original narrative?

Before we dive in, no I have not seen every single adaptation of the story, that would be a dissertation level of research and I do actually have things to do right now (although, I will admit...not many.) I’m looking at these three Hollywood adaptations because they all had star studded casts (for the era they were made in), they’re all English language, and (crucially) they were all easily available on the internet for me to stream.

What are the essential ingredients of a Three Musketeers adaptation?

Firstly, there should be at least three musketeers. Secondly, D’Artagnan (Michael York 1973, Chris O’Donnell 1993, Logan Lerman 2011) should be a young upstart who is introduced part way through a sword fight. He should also have silly hair. He is also consistently introduced to the musketeers in all three films by challenging them each individually to duels at noon, one o’clock and two o’clock. 

The films all maintained some elements of the original “Queen’s Diamonds” storyline, and featured the Queen, Milady and Constance. The characterisation of these three varied a lot.

Our villains in each case are invariably the Cardinal, his pal Rochefort (who always has an eyepatch, although this trope is not in the book and is actually attributable to the way Christopher Lee is styled in the 1973 film), and Milady de Winter. Satisfyingly, at least two of the villains usually wear red because they’re bad. Red is for bad. 

All three are very swashbuckling in tone, have elements of physical comedy, and two of them include one of the three valet characters Dumas wrote into the original story, Planchet (1973 Roy Kinnear, 2011 James “ugh why” Corden). They also all bear the generic markings of the movies made during the same era, our 70s D’Artagnan feels like a prototype Luke Skywalker. The 90s version features a random martial arts performer. The 2011 version has CGI and James Corden in equal measure (read: far too much of both.)

What are the big differences?

I’m going to divide this category into three main segments: character, story and style. My own three musketeers, the three musketeers of movie making.

Character

D’Artagnan

D’artagnan in the book comes across as a pretty comical figure. He’s nineteen and there’s something satisfying about how similar Dumas’ caricature of a nineteen year old is to a modern character of the same age. He’s overconfident, has a simplistic but concrete set of morals, and falls in love with every woman he sees. If D’Artagnan were a 2021 character, he’d really hate The Last Jedi, is what I’m saying. He’d definitely have a tumblr blog, probably a lot like this one, but perhaps a scooch more earnest. He really loved The Lighthouse but he can’t explain why. Isn’t it nice to know that awkward nineteen year olds have been pretty much the same for the last three hundred years at least? 

In all three films he’s kind of irritating, but at least in the 1973 this feels deliberate. This version has a certain “Carry On Musketeering” quality to it and D’Artagnan is your pantomime principal, he’s extremely naïve and he takes himself very seriously. This is the closest D’Artagnan to the book, and the 1973 is, in general, the film which adheres most faithfully to that source material. 

The 1993, which is (spoiler alert) my least favourite adaptation, has Chris O’Donnell as the least likeable D’Artagnan I’ve come across. I’ve only seen O’Donnell in one other thing, the Al Pacino movie Scent of a Woman. He’s bearable in that because he’s opposite Al Pacino, and so his wide-eyed innocence makes sense as a contrast to Pacino’s aged hoo-ah cynicism. Rather than being introduced in a practice sword fight with his father, as in the other two films, D’Artagnan is fighting the brother of an ex-lover. This captures the problem with the film in general: this adaptation wants D’Artagnan to be cool. He is not. The comedy of the 1973, and indeed the book, comes from D’Artagnan being deeply uncool, and from his blind idolisation of the deeply flawed Musketeers who actually are cool, but not necessarily heroic, or even good people. Their moral greyness contrasts with D’Artagnan’s defined sense of right and wrong, but he still considers them to be role models and heroes. 

2011′s version also suffers from “Cool D’Artagnan” syndrome, with the added annoyance of that most Marvel of tropes: the quip. One of the real issues with this film is that the dialogue has a lot of forced quippery that doesn’t quite land, and the editing slows the pace of the entire film. D’Artagnan’s first interaction with Constance is a bad attempt at wit which Constance points out isn’t very funny. The problem is that Constance has no personality so there’s no real indication that she’s in any position to judge his level of wit. She’s just vague, blonde and there: three characteristics which describe an entire pantheon of badly written female characters throughout the ages. Cool D’Artagnan also means that Constance should be additionally cool, because in the book, Constance is older than, smarter than and over-all more in charge than D’Artagnan. 

Female Characters

Let’s go into this with an open mind that understands all these films were made in the sociological context of their decade. The 1973 version would absolutely not be made in the same way now. Constance is a clumsy cartoon character who is forever falling over and accidentally sticking her breasts out. This is not the character from the books, but does at least leave an impression on the viewer one way or another. 

In contrast, the 1993 has a Constance so forgettable I literally cannot picture her. I think she holds D’Artagnan’s hand at the end. That’s all I can say on the subject. 

The 2011 has Gabriella Wilde in the role, and absolutely wastes her. Anyone who’s seen her in  Poldark knows that she can do sharp-tongued beautiful wit-princess with ease. It’s the writing of this film that lets her down, in general, that’s the problem with it. The storyline and design are great, but the actual dialogue lacks the pace and bite that a quip-ridden star vehicle needs. This Constance is given simultaneously more and less to do than the Constance of the original book, who demonstrates at every turn the superiority of her intellect over D’Artagnan, but doesn’t get to pretend to be a Musketeer and whip her hat off to show her flowing golden hair like she does in the 2011. 

The best character, for my money, in The Three Musketeers is Milady de Winter. Even Dumas got so obsessed with her that there are full chapters of the book written from pretty much her perspective. In the book, she’s described as a terrifying genius with powers of persuasion so potent that any jailor she speaks to must be instantly replaced. My favourite Milady is absolutely Faye Dunaway from 1973. She’s ferocious and beautiful and ruthless, but potentially looks even better because the portrayals in the other films are so very bad. 

The 1993 version has your typical blonde 90s baddie woman (Rebecca De Mornay), she wouldn’t look out of place as a scary girlfriend in an episode of Friends or Frasier. 2011 boasts Milla Jovovich who presents us a much more physical version of the character, even doing an awkwardly shoe-horned anachronistic hall of lasers a la Entrapment except instead of lasers its really thin pieces of glass? The “yeah but it looks cool” attitude to anachronism in this film is what makes it fun, and Jovovich’s Milady isn’t awful, she’s just let down by a plot point that she shares with 1993 Milady. Both these adaptations get really hooked on the fact that Athos used to be married to Milady at one time (conveniently leaving out the less justifiable character point that Athos TRIED TO HANG HER when he found out she had been branded as a thief - doesn’t wash so well with the modern audiences, I think.) Rather than hating/fearing Milady, the two modern adaptations suggest that Athos is still in love with her and pines for her. This detracts from Athos’ character just as much as it detracts from Milady’s. Interestingly, and I don’t know where this came from (if it was in the book I definitely missed it), both films feature a confrontation between the two where Athos points a gun at Milady but she pre-empts him by throwing herself off a cliff (or in the 2011, an air-ship.) I think both these versions were concerned that Milady was an anti-feminist character because she’s so wantonly evil, but I disagree. Equality means it is absolutely possible for Milady to be thoroughly evil and hated by the musketeers just as much as they hate Rochefort and the Cardinal. If you want to sort out the gender issues with this story, round Constance out and give her proper dialogue, don’t make Milady go weak at the knees because of whiny Athos (both Athos characters are exceedingly whiny, 1973 Athos is just...mashed).

The Musketeers

These guys are pretty important to get right in a film called The Three Musketeers. They have to be flawed, funny but kind of cool. Richard Chamberlain is an absolute dish in the 1973 version, capturing all those qualities in one. Is it clear which version is my favourite yet?

Athos is played variously by a totally hammered Oliver Reed (1973), a ginger-bearded Kiefer Sutherland (1993) and a badly bewigged Matthew McFadyen (2011). They all have in common the role of being the most level-headed character, but the focus on the relationship between Athos and Milady in the 93 and 11 editions undermines this a lot. Athos should be cool and aloof, instead of mooning over Milady the entire time. The 2011 gives Athos some painfully “edgy” lines like “I believe in this (points at wine) this (flicks coin) and this (stabs coin with knife.)...” which McFadyen ( once oh so perfect as Mr Darcy) doesn’t quite pull off. 

Porthos seems to be the musketeer who is the most different between interpretations. A foppish dandy in the 1973, a pirate (!?!) in the 1993, and then just...large in 2011. I think the mistake made in the 2011 is that large alone does not a personality make. There are hints at Porthos’ characterisation from the book: his dependence on rich women for money and his love of fine clothing, but these are only included as part of his introduction and never crop up again through the rest of the film. Pirate Porthos in 1993 is... you know what, fine, you guys were clearly throwing everything at the wall and seeing what stuck. 

Aramis is our dishy Richard Chamberlain in 1973, followed by womanising Charlie Sheen in 1993 and then strikingly suave Luke Evans in 2011. I actually didn’t mind Luke Evans’ interpretation, his dialogue is forgettable but his sleek charm stuck in my head. For some reason, this version has Aramis working as a parking attendant for horses, it worked for me as a fun A Knight’s Tale-esque bit of anachronistic character development. Charlie Sheen has never managed to appear likable or attractive to me and so his role in the 1993 falls flat. In fact, in that edition there’s not much distinction between the musketeers as characters and they’re all just very 90s and American. As anyone who’s read this blog before will expect, I think Keanu Reeves as Aramis would have really upped this film’s game. In fact, Keanu Reeves as Aramis, Brad Pitt as Athos and Will Smith as Porthos could have been the ultimate 90s adaptation, throw in DiCaprio as D’Artagnan and Roger Allam as the Cardinal and I’m fully sold. 

The King and Queen

All three films try and do the “Queen’s Diamonds” storyline, but only the 1973 actually includes the Queen’s affair with Buckingham. The queen, played by Geraldine Chaplin, is a tragic romantic figure (she doesn’t have a tonne to do besides being wistful and sighing over Lord Buckingham). The king is played as a frivolous idiot by Jean-Pierre Cassel (voice dubbed by Richard Briers). He doesn’t really think of the queen as a person, more as a possession that he doesn’t want Buckingham to have. 

In the 1993 version, Buckingham doesn’t really feature, and it’s the queen’s refusal to get off with the Cardinal that prompts his fury at her. The book does touch on the Cardinal’s desire for the queen, but it’s placed front and centre in 1993. This is definitely the boobsiest version, with quite a lot of corsetry on show and a cardinal who hits on literally all the women. The king is shown as a stroppy teenage boy under the thumb of the cardinal, who just wants to ask the queen to the dance but doesn’t have the nerve. The king is, essentially, a Fall Out Boy lyric. 

The 2011 also seems to be really squeamish about the idea of the queen having an extramarital affair. It paints Buckingham (played with excellent wig and aplomb by Orlando Bloom) as a stylish villain, who’s advances the queen has rejected. Like the 1993 version, the King is a feckless youth rendered speechless by the presence of his wife. Both these versions want the King and Queen to be happy together, while the 1973 doesn’t give a fuck. 

The Cardinal and his Cronies

The cardinal is kind of universally an evil creepy guy. One of the characters from the 1973 version who actually left the least impression on me, played by Charlton Heston. I think he’s overshadowed in my recollection by cartoonishly evil Christopher Lee as Rochefort. Lee’s Rochefort is dark, mysterious and wonderfully bad, and so influential that all other incarnations’ design is based on him. The 1993 version had truly over the top Michael Wincott as a character I could honestly refer to as Darth Rochefort from the way he’s framed, while 2011 boasts a chronically underused Mads Mikkelsen in the role. 

Cardinal-wise, 1993 was my favourite with Tim Curry in all his ecclesiastical splendour. It was disappointing that everything about this film, including the Cardinal’s sexual harassment of every single female character, really didn’t work for me. Tim Curry is a natural choice for this role and gives it his campy all. 

2011 has not one but two trendy bond villain actors, with Mikkelsen working alongside Christoph Waltz who was...just kind of fine. I was really excited when he appeared but he didn’t really push the character far enough and left me cold. 

Story

The story is where the different adaptations diverge most completely. 1973 follows the plot of the novel, D’Artagnan comes to Paris, befriends the Musketeers and becomes embroiled in a plot by the Cardinal to expose the Queen’s affair with Buckingham through the theft of two diamond studs. D’Artagnan, aided partially by the musketeers, must travel to London to retrieve the set of twelve studs gifted by the King to the Queen, and by the Queen to Buckingham. He does so, the plot is foiled, he’s made into a musketeer! Hurrah, tankards all round.

The 1993 version drops D’Artagnan into the story just as the Cardinal has disbanded the Musketeers. I found the plot of this one really hard to follow and I think at some point D’Artagnan ended up in the Bastille? There was this whole plot point about how Rochefort had killed D’Artagnan’s father. In the original, and in the 1973 version, D’Artagnan’s entire beef with Rochefort is rooted in a joke Rochefort makes about D’Artagnan’s horse. I guess for the producers of this one, a horse insult is not enough motivation for a lifelong grudge. That is really the problem with the entire film, it forgets that the story as told by Dumas is set in a world where men duel over such petty things as “criticising one’s horse”, “blocking one’s journey down a staircase” and “accusing one of having dropped a lady’s handkerchief.” The colour palette and styling are very 90s “fun fun fun”, but the portrayal of the cardinal and the endless angst about D’Artagnan’s father really dampen the mood. 

The 2011 version, this is where the shit really hits the fan. We meet our musketeers as they collaborate with Milady to steal the blueprints for a flying ship (it’s like a piratecore zeppelin). Milady betrays them and gives the plans to Buckingham, they all become jaded and unemployed. D’Artagnan arrives on the scene (his American accent explained by the fact that he’s from a different part of France) and befriends the Musketeers. The cardinal tries to frame the queen for infidelity by having Milady steal her diamonds to hide them in Buckingham’s safe at the tower of London. Something something Constance, something something help me D’Artagnan you’re my only hope. MASSIVE AIRSHIP BATTLE. The king and queen have a dance. James Corden cracks wise. 

It seems like as time has passed, producers, writers and directors have felt compelled to embellish the story. I think, specifically in the case of the two later versions, this is because they wanted the films to resemble the big successes of the period. Everybody knows no Disney hero can be in possession of both parents, so D’Artagnan is out to avenge his father like Simba or Luke Skywalker. In the 2011 version, the plot is overblown and overcomplicated in what seems like an attempt to replicate the success of both the Sherlock Holmes and Pirates of the Caribbean franchises. Remember the plot of Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End? No, me neither. 

Style

The style of these films grows increasingly wild along with the plots as time passes. The 1973 features a lot of slapstick comedy, some of which really made me cackle, and some of which was cringeworthily sexist (Constance’s boobs through the window of a litter.) That’s the 70s though! I love The Godfather but Diane Keaton’s character is unbelivably dull and annoying. Star Wars features a pretty good female character but she does end up in that bikini. The 70s seems to be a time of movies that were great except for their occasional headlong dive into misogyny. That doesn’t mean the entire movie is bad, it just means it’s suffering from the consequences of being made in the 70s. There were other consequences of this, I doubt many modern productions could get away with physically injuring so many of it’s cast members. From a glance down the IMDB trivia page, this film yielded a higher casualties to cast ratio than the My Chemical Romance Famous Last Words music video, and that’s a hard figure to top. 

The 1993 version is a Disney feature and suffers from having a thin sheen (not Charlie in this instance) of “Disney Original Movie” pasted over every scene. It looks like The Parent Trap might be filming in the adjacent studio a lot of the time. The vibrancy of the colours makes the costumes look unrealistic, while the blandness of the female characters means this movie ends up a bit of a bland bro-fest. Also occasionally the sexual and violent moments really jar with the overall tone making it an uneven watch. One minute it’s Charlie Sheen cracking jokes about trying to get off with someone’s wife, the next minute you see Milady throw herself off a cliff and land on the rocks. Weird choices all round. 

The 2011 version, as I’ve already mentioned, was trying to borrow its style from the success of Sherlock Holmes and Pirates of the Caribbean, with a little Ocean’s 11 thrown in. The soundtrack flips between not quite a Hans Zimmer score and not quite that other Hans Zimmer score, and after the success of Stardust it ends with a Take That song (for it to match up to the story it should have been Take That feat. Harry styles imho). Visually, there’s some fantastic travel by mapping going on, there’s far too much CGI (one of my friends pointed out that the canal in Venice seemed to be full of Flubber). Everyone is dressed in black leather, and there are not enough big hats at all. One of the best things about Musketeers films is that they’re an excuse for ridiculous hats, and in a film with a quite frankly insane visual style, I’m surprised the hats didn’t make it through. The cast, unfortunately, really lack chemistry which means the humorous dialogue is either stilted or James Corden, and the editing is just very strange. It’s one of those films that feels about as disjointed as an early morning dream, the one where you dream you’ve woken up, gotten dressed and fed the cat, but you actually are still in bed. 

Conclusion

Adaptations focus on different things depending on the context they were created in. The 2005 Pride and Prejudice is deliberately “grittier” than its 1990s predecessor, at a stage when “grit” was everywhere (The Bourne Identity, Spooks, Constantine). The Musketeers adaptations demonstrate exactly the same thing: what people wanted in the 70s was bawdy comedy and slapstick with a likeable idiot hero, the 90s clearly called for... Charlie Sheen and bright colours, and the 2010s just want too much of everything and a soundtrack with lots of banging and crashing. The more modern adaptations simplified the female characters (although the 1973 version definitely is guilty of oversimplifying Constance) while over-complicating the plot. There’s a lot of embellishment going on in the 2011 version that suggests the film wasn’t very sure of itself, it pulls its plot punches while simultaneously blindly flailing its stylistic fists. 

The film that works the best for me will always be the 1973 because it’s pretty straight down the line. Musketeers are good, Milady is evil, falling over is funny and the King’s an idiot. The later adaptations seem to be trying to fix problems with the story that the 1973 version just lets fly. The overcorrection of Milady and the under characterisation of Constance is the perfect example of this. If you want your Musketeers adaptation to be more feminist, don’t weaken Milady, strengthen Constance. Sometimes a competent female character is all that we need. A Constance who is like Florence Cassel from Death in Paradise or  Ahn Young-yi from Misaeng could really pack a punch.

I adored the energy of the 2011 adaptation, I loved how madcap it was, I loved how it threw historical accuracy to the wind. I thought the king was adorable, and I really enjoyed seeing Orlando Bloom hamming it up as Buckingham. I was genuinely sad that the sequel the ending sets up for never came, because once they got out of the sticky dialogue and into the explosions, the film was great fun. It was a beautiful disaster that never quite came together, but I really enjoyed watching it. I love films that have a sense of wild chaos, some more successful examples are The Devil’s Advocate, Blow Dry and Lego Batman. I think the spirit of going all out on everything can sometimes result in the best cinematic experience, it’s just a shame the script wasn’t really up to muster for 2011 Musketeers. 

I’m excited to see what the next big budget Musketeers adaptation brings, even if I’m going to have to wait another ten years to see it. I hope it’s directed by Chad Stahelski, that’d really float my boat (through the sky, like a zeppelin.)

[zetalial]

I can’t stand Ling

Random rant about how much I dislike Ling Yao. Sorry if you like Ling, I just can’t. Feel free to argue with me if you like - this ended up way, way longer and more detailed than it needed to be. I try not to dwell on characters I dislike so don’t expect a dozen more spite posts - this is a one off. I decided I’d feel better by writing it out.

But I really do dislike him. He annoyed me from the first moment he appeared in episode 15 of BH where he behaves absolutely obnoxiously throughout the entire episode and continued to annoy right up until he got consumed with Greed. And his ending annoyed me.  

Part 1 - First appearance

First impression are everything, right? I’m willing to change my mind if a character has hidden depths of course but if their character is plain irritating, that impression tends to last.

Okay, so he’s passed out in a random alley and Ed and Al find him - which is by the way a huge plot contrivance. They’re in Rush Valley in the South and Ling will explicitly tell them that he travelled to Amestris via the Xerxes ruins which are the North-East. And he seems to be heading to Central, there’s no reason for him to be in Rush valley let alone in a random alley alone so Ed and Al can help him. (This is a minor point though, I can deal with a couple of contrivances.)

After Ed and Al help him out, giving him food, he asks about the Philosopher’s stone and Ed tells them they don’t know anything - and the Philosopher’s stone is evil by the way, seeking power from the stone is dangerous - will Ling ever have to question his desire for the Stone and the source of its power? Ha, no.  

So Ling decides to sic his ninja bodyguards on Ed and Al! They said they didn’t know anything! Given how rare information on the stone is, that’s completely reasonable but oh Ling just knows that they’re hiding something about it? And thinks attacking two kids he knows nothing about is a great idea?

Lan Fan and Fuu do not hold back either, they use explosives and knives and cause loads of damage in their fight when Ed and Al haven’t even done anything! It’s a cool fight but the circumstances make me hate it! We get a shot of Ling casually eating a big meal while this is all going on to show how little he cares. Oh and he makes Ed pay the bill for it.

When Ed and Al do manage to win, Ling is completely unapologetic and allows Ed to get all the blame for the damages he caused when he sent his people to attack Ed and Al. When Ed comes back to see Winry, she is furious at him for damaging his automail again and Ling’s just there again, casually breaking in to Ed’s place, insisting on tagging along even though Ed tells him not to. Ling doesn’t face a single consequence for any of this by the way. Ling does explain his status here explaining that he wants the Stone to become emperor of Xing which is... yeah still quite a selfish goal.

And then there’s the conversation at the end of the episode where Fuu asks Ling why he’s putting up with Ed and Al, who are beneath him. Eh? This is Ling being nice? Ed and Al have been fairly nice, helping him in that alley, listening to his story and their anger was entirely justified at how obnoxious Ling has been this entire episode. But oh Ling is supposedly bowing his head to someone so far beneath him? Ling realises there’s bigger things than a little humility when his clan’s fate is in the balance? What do appearances matter then?

So you’re telling me that being the most obnoxious and annoying person ever was deliberate? All he achieved was making Ed and Al and me absolutely hate him! I’m going to ignore this conversation about Ling seeming wise and having a bigger plan because it doesn’t match up with anything else in the entire episode.

Now, I don’t mind flawed characters - but Ling never gets called out on any of his behaviour and never gets asked to change. Lan Fan is ridiculously devoted to him right from the beginning and the only way we see it as a flaw is that she’s so defensive she loses her cool just from hearing Ling get insulted. Quite why she is so loyal is never explored and I know she’s only a side character but you know I could really use a legitimate reason to like Ling.

Part 2 - Ling’s leadership?

Okay, his first appearance was just a comedy episode so I’ll just be kind and dismiss it. What’s Ling like when the plot gets a bit more serious then? In Central, Ed and Al hatch a plan to catch a homunculus by getting Scar to attempt to kill them and Ling volunteers to help fight the homunculi while Ed and Al deal with Scar.

So Ling and Lan Fan get into a fight with Wrath and Gluttony and Ling reveals that he’s also a superb fighter too because why not? Like, Lan Fan takes a nasty injury from Wrath but Ling manages to hold him off and runs away while carrying Lan Fan. That’s downright crazy alone - that Ling is such a competent fighter he can hold off Wrath while carrying Lan Fan! Isn’t Lan Fan meant to be the trained bodyguard?

Okay so his fighting skills are ridiculous, fine it’s a shonen anime, everyone can fight, whatever. It’s the conversation with Wrath that really gets to me though.

Wrath tells him that if he let go of Lan Fan, he might have a have a chance of escaping. Ling interprets this weirdly and goes on about how a true ruler cares about his subjects and so would never abandon his people and says that Bradley is no true King.

Shut up Ling. Bradley isn’t hiding behind others here, he’s fighting you one-on-one, not sacrificing minions. And you aren’t Amestrian so you have no reason to know about Bradley’s other decisions as a leader so how can you so confidently criticise him? (Bradley is an interesting character who totally shines when being challenged by the heroes but I hate Ling doing it here.) I mean, isn’t Ling the one who orders his minions to fight while he eats breakfast and lets someone else pay for the consequences?

Okay, so I shouldn’t take that fight seriously because it’s not meant to be serious. How about the current one? Ling volunteered to help with Ed’s plan and that lead to Lan Fan risking her life for him! Sure, Lan Fan agreed because she’s stupidly loyal but this was Ling’s plan and she got hurt! Her injuries are as much his fault as anyone’s.

Ling choosing not to abandon her is nice, sure. But given she got hurt following him, I’d call it being a decent human being, rather than a true paragon of leadership! And that’s if I’m to accept that any of this makes one particularly good for being a leader anyway. Ling is kind of extremely reckless. Did I mention the part where he disappeared on his bodyguards just because, leading them to worry as he was passed out on the street in the middle of Central? And then got arrested? Gosh he’s irresponsible. He is so lucky that worked out so easily.

Bradley doesn’t refute Ling’s words, just saying something about how there are no true kings in this world while Ling attempts to escape, still carrying Lan Fan. And there’s another annoying plot hole here where Lan Fan lets off a flashbomb and Ling takes the chance to escape but Wrath reveals his other eye under the eyepatch, preventing Ling’s escape. And then it cuts to the next scene and... Ling has escaped the room!

He’s still running away from Wrath while carrying Lan Fan and despite how fast Wrath is, Ling manages to get pretty far away somehow. Far enough that Lan Fan successfully cuts off her arm, then they tie it to a dog, and escape through the sewers all before Wrath catches up to him. This whole sequence was all off-screen!

In case we haven’t got enough of Ling being awesome, our next scene of him has him jumping out of the sewers with his shirt off where he proceeds to capture Gluttony.  Heh, I guess there’s nothing wrong with that but I can’t help but feel like I’m really supposed to like Ling here and love the badass moments and I cannot. I’m upset that the scene where Ling is forced tie her arm to a dog while Lan Fan is bleeding out beside him was cut as that’s the kind of scene that would get me to actually like him. Not scenes of him being an awesome fighter.

Part 3 - The part I don’t hate

Ling is a character with flaws and room for growth, which is something I can appreciate. But these earlier flaws are presented as just comic relief. That’s what annoys me - I usually like characters who can be obnoxious jerks so long as their flaws aren’t just blatantly laughed off as a joke.

In the next few episode we do get to see a more serious and conflicted Ling. This is Ling at his most interesting. He feels guilty about what Lan Fan’s done for him when he was too weak to do so himself and is determined that her sacrifice has meaning. So he’s got the hero flaw of caring too much.

This leads to an interesting conflict where Ling, Roy and Ed all fight over Gluttony and his philosopher's stone. Ed wants it for Alphonse and points out it was his plan. Roy wants it to heal Havoc. Ling wants it to become emperor and argues about what Lan Fan’s sacrificed so that they could catch the homunculus. Sadly, Gluttony breaks free then so this argument isn’t explored any further here.

At the end of the series we see how they’ve changed in this regard. Ling finally has a stone and even though he’s just lost Greed to another sacrifice, he freely offers the stone to Edward to save Al. Ed refuses. So this stuff is all interesting and I really do wish the conflict and resolution wasn’t so brief (and that Roy wasn’t just given a stone to cure his blindness but I digress.)

Next, Ling gets swallowed by Gluttony and there’s more comedy which is still a touch irritating but not nearly so bad as his first few appearances. Ling collapses again with no energy and this should be serious but it’s still presented as comic again. I can’t take Ling’s fainting spells seriously as it’s played for comedy every. Single. Time. That aside, Ling is at his most tolerable here and it’s interesting how determined he is against Envy in contrast to Ed’s horror at Envy’s true form slowing him down. When they’re out, Ling distrust of Father is also good.

And finally we get to Ling accepting Greed into his body. Again he’s being super-reckless and he’s sort of being called out on this as Ed urges him to fight but Ling decides not to. Again we get this characterisation of Ling as someone willing to surrender and lose face to get what he wants. As he said to Fuu when he first met Ed, appearances don’t matter in the long run. He can bow his head when the situation requires. Fighting Greed here would be pointless.

(This is in contrast to Ed who is prideful and can never accept defeat. In Gluttony’s stomach we see him marching relentlessly onward even though its futile. Later, we see Ed’s growth where he agrees to be Greed’s minion, letting go of his useless pride as he realises he can gain something by humbling himself.)

I wish this was explored a bit more too though. It feels more like Ling’s recklessly jumping at the chance to gain immortality despite having been told repeatedly that its a bad idea and, though it seems like he faces consequences in getting consumed by Greed, it eventually works out quite well for him. (Okay that’s a bit harsh, I love Greed’s struggle.) And it seems like its more like luck than any cleverness on his part, which is kinda irksome with how lucky Ling is generally.

-

So yeah, I like where he’s serious and gets challenged but I feel like it rarely happens. Ling’s other flaws just feel like they’re all comedy where the joke is that he’s rude and obnoxious and pushy and gets away with it. None of his other appearances stop his personality from grating on me. At the beginning of the series, he thinks he’s going to find the secret to immortality and be a great leader and apparently he’s completely correct. Not that I want him to fail, I just don’t like his initial character when I feel like I’m supposed to and most of the character development with Greedling feels like its solely for Greed. Eh I’ve rambled on enough now.

I actually love Greed’s character, he’s really interesting and I adore his development. My hatred is purely directed at Ling.

[kingofthewilderwest]

Yo dude your fma liveblogs are entertaining as hell and your analysis posts are👌👌👌 I love both versions of fma. However, I watched ‘03 first, so it holds a special place in my heart. I appreciate you for not bashing it and for giving it a chance. You bring up many good points in regards to both series and their flaws. I respect that. Hope your cosplay turned out great/turns out great! I haven’t finished reading your liveblogs, so I’m not sure if you’ve finished it yet. Goodnight!

Ahhhh yay thanks!!!

Sadly, despite the fact that I watched and finished 2003 / COS about 7 months ago, I still haven’t completed that Envy cosplay I was working on. Isn’t that pathetic??? I need to finish that thing. A friend of mine who was also working on an FMAB cosplay just wore the finished product New Year’s Eve. So since he got HIS end of the deal done, I need to… get my buttocks onto finishing my project. Haha whoops.

I am thankful and honestly sort of relieved to hear you appreciate my thoughts on the 2003. Thanks for telling me and sending me this encouraging message (and connecting with me over FMA!!!!) I know that, unlike many people, I’m not coming into 2003 with the same nostalgia they feel. It’s very different watching a show as it’s premiering, and before another anime is created following the manga timeline… than it is watching a show 15 years after it debuted, and with the foreknowledge/experience of the full manga/later show.

Honestly, I was worried I would sound too unintentionally irreverent or something. Truth is I adore the experiences large franchises bring. It’s FUN to get infinitely more characters, more story, more adventures, more memories, more media. We can choose how we participate in large franchises - we can stick with main materials, or, if we want, we have the opportunity to excitedly fish through EVERYTHING we can find. And I’m a fisher! I want all the factoids, all the amusing moments, all the incidences, in the fictional worlds I love. For me, it’s far more enjoyable to be able to appreciate the good in all and ANY part of a franchise… looking for tidbits to enjoy and supplementing my love of the world… never entering anything with unrealistic expectations… and not getting caught up in negative stigma.

And even if I do end up feeling negative about something in a franchise, for whatever reason… ngl I keep that to myself in main public circles. Occasionally I’ll post constructive criticism from a more objective analytical light, but I hate the idea of me being negative on main. I really avoid posting negativity publicly online because I don’t like the idea of contributing negatively to a community that’s here to have fun about fiction. I’m not perfect. I’m a sucky fallible human. I’ve broken my own rule. Heh. But I truly prefer my experiences in fandom to be connecting with positive things. So I wouldn’t want to enter a culture of talking negatively about ANYTHING.

The FMA franchise is something I, for the most part, embrace as a whole with happiness. The ridiculousness in Prince of the Dawn and Daughter of the Dusk I find endearing. I have affection for the Live Action in all its ups and downs. The books are fun, the guidebooks are fun, the art books are fun, the OVAs are fun… and honestly, I’m sort of jealous you can enter the 2003 show with that affection, too. ^.^ It’s fun to feel that way about shows and 2003 has lots to offer.

Confession: every other part of the FMA franchise I can embrace for what it is, but 2003 trips me up because I spent almost ten years of my life hearing “2003 vs 2009″ fandom battles. I can’t experience it apart from that competitive and negatively-spun paratext. It’s ingrained now. I can’t help but feel odd thinking about the 2003 because FMAB is my dear, dear child and 2003 feels like its “competition” or “threat.” Usually that isn’t a problem and I embrace everything in a franchise… but in the world of FMA… I have difficulties emotionally accepting 2003 and it leaves me with mixed thoughts. I hope that doesn’t hurt anyone to hear I feel this way - because I would much rather not have those mixed feelings about 2003. I’d be happier without them. I’m just trying to say: I respect you for not having that baggage!

I’ve noticed that when I talk about FMA 2003 as itself, without any comparison, I have a fun time. Doesn’t matter if I talk constructive analytics or happy-go-nothings, looking at *JUST* 2003 on *ITS OWN* is fun. I’ll talk with people about the ridiculous shenanigans Team Mustang get into, the cool disguises characters wear, the emotional tragedy of Alphonse Heiderich, the deep social commentary in the Ishvalan plot arc, and how hot Roy is with an eyepatch. There’s no sense of “threat” to FMAB that way.

But as soon as I hear comparisons between the two shows, I get edgy and uncomfortable and feel weird. I know some of it is that I place FMAB on a pedestal of reverence and don’t want to hear comparisons that might not mark it “perfect.” But I know some of my discomfort with FMA 2003 vs 2009 conversations is from my experiences with fandom culture. Unfortunately I’ve run into far too many instances of 2003 lovers shitting and speaking critically of FMAB (and vice versa), and I don’t like that climate at all. I don’t want to be involved in that climate of compare, contrast, compete, and Judge (with a capital J). I don’t like people speaking ill of something I love when I’m here on tumblr to have recreation. It’s not that I can’t engage with different perspectives, but this is a place where I’m here to have fun about shows and be a fan of them - not to hear critical negativity. I don’t enjoy that part of fandom culture.

I’m sorry that you’ve probably been in experiences where you’ve seen 2003 bashed because that’s such a damper on a mood, seeing people speak poorly of a thing that’s special to your heart. I sympathize for the negativity culture you might have been exposed to, too. If you need, let’s make a happy bubble here! If you or anyone want to talk happily with me about 2003, or talk about 2003 on its own in any analytical way, I’m up for it, yo! :D Or ANY part of the FMA franchise! 

I hope that this long ramble didn’t sound too much like me talking about myself or my experiences… the point is… I love that you feel happy about the 2003 and FMAB and are a fellow FMA fan, and I’d love to experience positivity with you and others who feel that way too!

Just, all I ask, is that no one ask me to get involved in that comparison culture of “which show is better and why”! XD

Take care and have an awesome day, too!

[xiakha]

Metal Gear Primer: The Fandom Pain (6811)

Oh boy here goes.

I am not super into the MG/MGS fandom, I only lurk, but this is a down and dirty primer for a friend that introduces the series and all of the characters (...and the ships). If this is super inaccurate, I am sorry. There are probably plenty of ships that I won’t have here. If someone notifies me, I’ll try to fix it if I can. There’s just so much ._.

Beware! Spoilers abound and will be unmarked. If for some reason you care about the plot of these games and want to discover them for yourself by playing the game, this is not for you. (That said, the gaming experience is obviously quite separate from any paragraph long description I could generate and would be worth looking into, or at least watching Let’s Plays of)

Theme: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6miaTf1gF4g

It starts with a man by the name of Kojima. Hideo Kojima always wanted to be a film director, but went into video games instead. After a shaky start in the video game industry under Konami, he was told to take over the assignment of Metal Gear from a senior associate. He turned a fairly straightforward Contra-esque game into the first stealth action game, emphasizing evasion and avoidance over direct combat. This was his first notable hit and he would continue to innovate and expand his repertoire with Snatchers and Policenauts, but at the end of the day, he always went back to Metal Gear, first willingly, but then less and less every time until MGSV. After this last sequel, Kojima split with Konami to form his own independent studio, and we await his first game as an independent producer. So it is at least somewhat important to note that the story of Metal Gear is also in many ways the story of Kojima, and each reflects his artistic journey to that point.

Metal Gear (1987) 1995. Solid Snake infiltrates a nation-state called Outer Heaven that was established in South Africa by a mysterious legendary mercenary. Snake’s unit, FOXHOUND, had previously sent one of its top agents, Gray Fox, to infiltrate Outer Heaven, but it lost contact with Gray Fox. Therefore, FOXHOUND commander Big Boss sends Snake, a solid rookie, into the fray to both investigate Outer Heaven and rescue Gray Fox in a mission called Intrude N313. With the help of Big Boss over the radio and some local resistance members, Snake penetrates successfully.

After finding and rescuing Gray Fox, Solid Snake learns of “Metal Gear,” a bipedal walking tank with nuclear capabilities. With Metal Gear, Outer Heaven hopes to become not just a recognized state but also a new superpower. Snake rescues the scientist, Dr. Madnar,  who was forced to work on Metal Gear and is able to make quick work of the bipedal tank before it is completed, but not before running into traps that seemed specifically set for him. Moreover, Big Boss starts to become erratic, sending bad advice and even breaking the fourth wall to dissuade the player from continuing the game. Lo and behold, that mysterious legendary mercenary is Big Boss, who was playing both sides this entire time. Snake takes Big Boss out and gets out of Outer Heaven before it implodes.

Metal Gear 2: Solid Snake (1990) 1999. Snake is brought out of retirement to infiltrate Zanzibarland in Central Asia. New FOXHOUND commander Roy Campbell and “Hell” Master Miller send Snake in to rescue a Dr. Marv, a scientist who discovered/created a species of algae that can mass produce petroleum-grade hydrocarbons and thus relieve the on-going energy crisis. Dr. Marv was kidnapped by Zanzibarland soldiers to take the world hostage through energy control and captured Soviet nuclear weapons. In the midst of infiltrating, Snake finds out Dr. Madnar was also captured and forced to make another Metal Gear, Metal Gear D. When rescued, Dr. Madnar reveals that Gray Fox, who had gone missing since Intrude N313, is piloting Metal Gear D. Dr. Madnar also reveals that Zanzibarland is led by none other than Big Boss, back from the grave.

Later in the game, Dr. Madnar has one final reveal: he’s gone somewhat vindictively loony after the scientific community rejected him and his little bipedal tank project, so he wasn’t so much captured as invited back under Big Boss’s wing. After taking care of him, Solid Snake takes out Gray Fox in Metal Gear D and takes out Big Boss by take an impromptu flamethrower to his eyepatched butt. Big Boss dies.

Metal Gear 2 is known as the game that no one played in which the story actually came together with larger ideas and themes such as nuclear proliferation and the horrors of the war engine.

Metal Gear Solid: The Twin Snakes (1998) 2005. FOXHOUND, Solid Snake’s former unit, has agents go rogue under the name “Sons of Big Boss” and take over a nuclear weapon disposal facility on Shadow Moses Island off the coast of Alaska. They want Big Boss’s remains and a billion dollars or they use Metal Gear REX against the United States. Colonel Roy Campbell and Master Miller pull Snake out of retirement for this one last-last mission. Again. Snake is to infiltrate the target and neutralize the threat as he sees fit. He meets up with FOXHOUND agents along the way, and they have a strange habit of dying around him. Of note are Sniper Wolf, Revolver Ocelot (who does not die but has his arm sliced off) and Psycho Mantis (who is basically a fourth wall breaking meme on his own). As for allies, Snake meets up with Meryl Silverburgh, another infiltrator; Hal “Otacon” Emmerich, the new scientist forced to make Metal Gears; and a mysterious Cyborg Ninja, who slices off Revolver Ocelot’s hand.

The leader of the Sons of Big Boss, Liquid Snake, reveals to Solid Snake that they’re actually brothers, both clones of Big Boss, thus raising this sequel’s main question “To make the perfect soldier, are GENES the deciding factor?” as the two were a part of a secret cloning project in the 70s known as Les Enfants Terribles which was an effort to replicate the perfect soldier that was Big Boss. Liquid also reveals that he was impersonating (the recently deceased) Master Miller over the radio to trick Snake into doing his bidding, activating Metal Gear REX. They have a fight. The Cyborg Ninja reveals himself to be Gray Fox back again. Gray Fox sacrifices himself. Liquid loses. REX is basically destroyed. Snake is told he has been injected with a virus called FOXDIE that targets and kills FOXHOUND members, but is “programmed” to kill Snake “sometime in the future.” Snake rides off into the sunset with either Meryl or Otacon. The idea that GENES control one’s fate is thus at least half refuted as Snake decides to take his own path and not be the perfect soldier They want. Revolver Ocelot, de-armed, appears after credits to deliver the plans to Metal Gear to a shadowy figure, possibly the US President.

Metal Gear Solid 2: Sons of Liberty (2001) 2007. Solid Snake and Otacon now run a NGO called Philanthropy that wants to put a stop to all of this Metal Gear nonsense. Snake infiltrates a tanker to investigate Metal Gear RAY. At the same time, mercenaries attack the ship for RAY. They are led by Colonel Gurlukovich who brought his daughter, Olga, and Revolver Ocelot along to steal the RAY. Revolver Ocelot has two arms again, one grafted from Liquid’s body. Upon interaction with Snake, Ocelot seems to have some kind of psychic weirdness as Liquid’s personality somehow reveals itself from the arm. Ocelot under Liquid’s control steals RAY for himself, blasting a hole in the ship, abandoning Colonel Gurlukovich, Olga, and Snake to their respective dooms in a sinking tanker.

2009. Codename ���Snake” from the newly reformed FOXHOUND infiltrates Big Shell, an offshore facility placed over the tanker spill. Big Shell has been taken over by a group that calls itself “Sons of Liberty” and is led by a man claiming to be Solid Snake. “Snake” quickly renames himself Raiden and meets up with Iroquois Pliskin, a man who claims to be a Navy SEAL. There’s a lot of hostages and stuff. What you need to know is that the entirety of the Big Shell mission is supposed to be reminiscent of the previous games, drawing the question “To make the perfect soldier, are MEMES the deciding factor?” playing on the theory that the circumstances and ideas around a figure make them who they are. The mission goes quite off the rails, Iroquois is revealed to be Solid Snake, trying to clear his name. The man calling himself “Solid Snake” is actually Solidus Snake, a “perfect” clone of Big Boss, who was elected President. He was also a warlord in the Liberian Civil War who conveniently(?) raised Raiden as a child soldier. There’s even a Cyborg Ninja, who is Olga, who only agreed to be the Cyborg Ninja because they’ve taken her child.

This entire scenario was devised by an AI called GW (or George Washington), who has been guiding Raiden along as the Colonel (but not Campbell) trying to make another perfect soldier by recreating scenarios. There’s a fight on a huge submersible fortress thing called Arsenal Gear that houses GW. In order to break free, Raiden uploads a virus into Arsenal Gear and causes the Colonel to freak out in fourth wall breaking ways. Raiden and Snake crash the fortress into Manhattan where Raiden fights Solidus. At this point, Raiden has more or less completely left the path of d��jà vu shadowing Snake, and he’s able to katana Solidus to death. Thus, the idea that MEMES controls one’s fate is somewhat refuted as they fail to make Raiden into the perfect soldier They wanted. “They” is also finally revealed to be a shadowy organization called The Patriots, who all take names (like GW) after Founding Fathers. Ocelot seems to be working directly for The Patriots, psychic weirdness besides.

Going back to Kojima, many people argue this video game as an introspective look into what people are looking for in a video game sequel. More of the same? Would they be more upset about having the same exact things happen again, or being given something completely new? Kojima, being the sort to continue to push the envelope, did not settle for more of the same as Metal Gear 2: Solid Snake kinda ended up being.

Metal Gear Solid 3: Snake Eater (2004) 1964. After the end of World War II, the world was split into two... East and West. This is Kojima’s love song to Cold War spy movies, and the key word this time is SCENE. A CIA Agent, code name “Naked Snake” is sent into the jungles in the USSR to rescue a defecting Soviet scientist named Sokolov in what is called the “Virtuous Mission.” Snake infiltrates with the help of Major Zero, Para-medic, and his mentor in the FOX unit, The Boss. He retrieves Sokolov and finds out more about the Shagohod, which is a nuclear equipped tank (sounds familiar, I know). En route to exfiltration, Snake gets sucker-punched by The Boss, who promptly defects to the Soviet Union into the hands of Colonel Volgin, a madman with electrical powers, taking Sokolov and the Shagohod with her. This is a devastating blow to Snake and he almost gets blown up for his troubles as Volgin detonates a nuke. The Boss is blamed for the detonation.

A week later, Naked Snake is sent back into the jungles to kill his mentor as a part of a deal between America and the Soviet Union called Operation Snake Eater. Since The Boss has clearly gone rogue and is the reason for this international incident, killing her, destroying the Shagohod, and putting down Colonel Volgin’s uprising is the best way to make amends. Snake is assisted by his crew (Zero, et. al) over the radio, and an American defector named EVA, who is clearly supposed to be the Bond girl. Snake runs into the Cobra Unit, the Boss’s old unit of supernaturally afflicted emotion based superhuman soldiers, who are calling themselves now “Sons of The Boss.” He kills all of them. He also runs into the Ocelot Unit, which is lead by none other than a young Ocelot (minus Revolver). Ocelot is defeated several times and Snake even introduces the young man to revolvers. Next, Snake gets captured by Volgin, fails to stop Sokolov from getting brutally killed, and gets his eye shot out by Ocelot in quick order. He then fights Volgin and the Shagohod and somehow wins. In the dust, he finds out about the Philosophers, a shadowy organization made up of victors of WWII that hid a ridiculous amount of cash, known as the Philosopher’s Legacy, that Volgin was trying to take for himself. Turns out the Americans were trying to secure it, which is part of why Snake was sent out there. Snake then fights and kills The Boss in probably the most emotionally charged battle in all of MGS. He gets out, but not before being betrayed by EVA who turns out to be a Chinese spy and who steals the location of the Philosopher’s Legacy. EVA also reveals to Snake that The Boss didn’t really defect. Her mission was to pretend to defect get close to Volgin to steal the Philosopher’s Legacy from him, but after the nuclear strike, The Boss was offered as a sacrificial lamb.

Back in the States, Naked Snake is given the title “Big Boss” for surpassing the Boss, is hailed basically the perfect soldier. As Zero builds Snake’s praises as a propaganda piece for his new organization called Cipher, Snake becomes increasingly disillusioned by everything around him, eventually leaving the States completely. After end credits, Ocelot pops up again, tells the KGB that they could use Snake’s work in the jungles as blackmail against the United States, and then tells the CIA that the information that EVA stole from Snake was fake. He had the actual information and would be able to give it over to America so that the United States and the Soviet Union would each have half the Philosopher’s Legacy. Basically Ocelot is playing EVERYONE. He’s also The Boss’s son.

Metal Gear Solid 4: Guns of the Patriots (2008) It would be hard to argue that MGS4 isn’t the culmination of this entire clusterfuck of a series. I’ve tried my best to omit anything in the previous details that isn’t relevant to understanding this game or the ships discussed afterwards.

2014. Solid Snake has prematurely aged a ridiculous amount and looks kinda like Solidus Snake, only less buff. They literally call him Old Snake. This also means he looks like Big Boss if Big Boss hadn’t kicked the bucket. Snake is still working with Otacon and they’re raising Olga’s daughter, Sunny, together. Campbell basically hauls Snake out of retirement one last bloody time to end the story, basically. All guns are now ID-locked, meaning only people who are authorized to shoot them can shoot them, meaning there’s a ridiculous amount of control in War now. And this is possible because of nanomachines. Ocelot, now going by Liquid Ocelot, is raising an army of nanomachine’d super soldiers for some nefarious reason and Snake needs to take out Ocelot once and for all now he’s been built up to be this magnificent bastard mix between Liquid and Ocelot in the last three games.

At first, Liquid Ocelot’s after Big Boss’s remains again because Big Boss’s biometrics unlock something about the Patriots’ AI or whatever, giving control of everything to potentially him. Raiden shows up, this time he’s the Cyborg Ninja, and he and Meryl Silverburg do their part covering Snake’s old man butt. EVA reveals herself as the leader of a resistance movement against Liquid, Big Mama. Turns out she is the surrogate mother that gave birth to both Liquid Snake and Solid Snake under the direction of Para-medic, who ran the Les Enfants Terribles project. Ocelot goes after the lot of them to reveal he no longer wants Big Boss’s remains. He actually blows them up. Instead, he’s just going to destroy the Patriots’ AI system and replace it with his own, so he’s in control. To do this, he needs a nuke, but the only place without an ID-locked nuke is Shadow Moses Island. There’s a gratuitous battle of the abandoned Metal Gear REX piloted by Snake defeats Metal Gear RAY piloted by Ocelot. That’s okay for Ocelot, he’s got a new and improved Arsenal Gear, now called Outer Haven. Yes, like Outer Heaven. It has the nuke that Ocelot needs to destroy the Patriots’ AI. They stop him by putting a virus into Outer Haven that destroys Ocelot’s system, the Patriots’ system, and basically leaves civilization teetering on the brink as the system controlling it is destroyed. Snake fisticuffs with Ocelot in this amazing boss battle that echos all of the final boss battles throughout the series, and Ocelot finally dies.

This would be happily ever after, but Solid Snake’s FOXDIE is about to go off. He decides to go out on his own terms, but is stopped by Big Boss! Yes, Snake’s “father” Naked Snake survived the flamethrower to the face all the way back in MG2. Surprise. He stops Snake from killing himself just in time. Big Boss explains how the Patriots were formed with the idea that they’d follow the Boss’s final wish, to see a unified world. Zero took the wish to mean that he needed to control the world to unify it, thus Cipher, the Patriots, and everything that happened since on the shadowy government side. Big Boss took the wish to mean that he should unify the world’s soldiers, giving them a refuge and a consistent means of living. Thus the war. But Big Boss now sees that neither of them were right. With that said, Big Boss reveals lastly that the FOXDIE has mutated to something that won’t kill Snake but will kill him. So “Father” and “Son” have a touching moment. Big Boss finally finally finally freaking dies. And Snake is finally finally finally able to live out the rest of his shortened lifespan actually on his own terms.

You’d think that was where the story ended. And it probably should have! If Kojima had his way. No instead we got

Metal Gear Solid: Peace Walker (2010) 1974. Naked “Don’t call him Big Boss he hates that” Snake has established a mercenary group called Militaires Sans Frontières with help from Kazuhira “Master” Miller. They had met in the jungles of Colombia and Snake owned Miller’s entire mercenary group. Snake “convinced” Miller to join him. Thus, MSF. They’re approached by a man by the name of Ramon Galvez Mena, who says that Costa Rica has been taken over by an occupying force and, having no military of its own, needed someone to help liberate it. Snake doesn’t buy it and immediately identifies Mena as KGB, but Paz, Mena’s student, has a recording of The Boss, which convinces him to go investigate it. As payment, they receive an off-shore facility that Miller dubs “Motherbase.” Anyway, there’s another nuclear tank. This time it has feet instead of drill wheel things, it’s fail-deadly, meaning it will launch if it’s armed and gets destroyed, and it’s known as “Peace Walker.” A guy named Hot Coldman wants to use it to demonstrate the ultimate deterrence. To defeat Peace Walker, Snake finds and “recruits” wheelchair bound walking technology enthusiast Huey Emmerich and Dr. Strangelove, an AI specialist who was in love with The Boss and is basically there to be a lesbian for much of the story. She starts off hating Snake because he killed The Boss and took her title, making Strangelove so obsessed with her possibly former lover that she makes the AI that drives Peace Walker a copy of The Boss’s personality. Yes it’s very much hard science. The idea is, as Peace Walker is run by an AI, it doesn’t need someone else to confirm the launch of the nukes it has on board.

Mena reveals himself as Zadornov of the KGB and attempts to steal Peace Walker. Hot Coldman activates a data uplink to NORAD to convince American officials that the Soviets had launched against them and that they had to retaliate, thus giving the AI an opportunity to respond without outside input. Instead of preparing to launch the nukes, Peace Walker, under the control of The Boss’s personality, walks into a lake, drowning itself and rendering its launch and the data uplink broken and dead, preventing all out nuclear retaliation. Snake takes this to mean that The Boss always meant to abandon her principles as a solider for soldiers and abandon him as well. He’s upset enough that he decides he will take the matter into his own hands and provide that place for soldiers himself, even if the Boss doesn’t want it. He won’t abandon the battlefield or those who serve on it like his mentor did postmortem.

While this was happening, Huey was doing his bit and had actually made a bipedal tank. Better than Peace Walker’s quadrupedal design. It’s called Metal Gear ZEKE and they armed it with the nuke retrieved from Peace Walker, but it gets taken by Paz, who is also not who she seems like Mena, but instead of the KGB, she’s a spy for Cipher, aka Major Zero. She gets tossed into the sea. With this final insult from a former friend, Snake decides to take up the Big Boss title and take action as the legendary soldier by declaring Motherbase an “Outer Heaven.”

You would think that tie in with MG1 would be the end of it. You’d be wrong.

Metal Gear Solid V: The Phantom Pain (2015) 1975. Big Boss and Militaires Sans Frontières catches wind that Paz is still alive. In order to not screw up an UN nuclear inspection, they sink Metal Gear ZEKE again and the nuke, and they need to recover Paz who knows about their nuclear capabilities. As Snake is offbase retrieving Paz, MSF is attacked by this elite force, XOF, that no one saw coming. Motherbase starts to sink. Big Boss picks up Kazuhira Miller via helicopter as they make a retreat into the unknown. They realize Paz has a bomb in her. The on-board Medic cut her open to pull a friggin bomb from her guts. When Paz, in pain but made full conscious, realizes they pulled the bomb out of her guts, she indicates that there’s a second bomb. But before they can properly deal with it, she launches herself out of the helicopter in an attempt to save everyone else. She explodes mid-air and the helicopter crashes.

1984. Big Boss wakes up from a nine year coma. He finds out his memory’s been fucked with because there’s metal shrapnel in his head and face that may or may not cause hallucinations as well. He’s also lost his arm. Things kinda suck for Big Boss right now. He’s completely emaciated and weak as hell. Vulnerable. Even so, the word gets out that “V has come to.” A few weeks after returning to consciousness, the hospital that Big Boss is in gets attacked by XOF again. He’s saved by a man with bandages wrapped around his face who might be a hallucination and calls himself “Ishmael.” There’s an escape sequence that involves avoiding XOF soldiers, staring at Ishmael’s ass crack, and more almost hallucinations: A Man on Fire, and a tiny floating boy with immense psychic powers. Big Boss gets out with Ishmael, but the ambulance they’re in crashes. When Big Boss comes to again, Ishmael is gone. Outside, there is a man in cowboy gear on a horse. Ocelot. Revolver Ocelot. They run away together and get on a boat to a new Motherbase in the Seychelles. This is perfect because it means they’re in range of Afghanistan, where Kazuhira Miller’s been captured.

Big Boss, now calling himself Punished “Venom” Snake, goes in, rescues his XO, and gets attacked by these zombie-esque dudes called the Skulls Parasite Unit. They’re parasite-based super soldiers (not genetically enhanced or nanomachine enhanced) with whom Venom has to wrangle with several times in the game. They’re terrifying. Having rescued Miller, minus an arm and leg, the group of them swear revenge against the people who destroyed Motherbase and MSF, calling their new group Diamond Dogs. But to do that, they need men and they need cash. So Venom starts working to generate capital for Motherbase and kidnap recruits by fulton balloon. Primarily this involves sticking his nose into the Soviet-Afghan War and the Angolan Civil War. At basically every step, Ocelot says one thing and Miller does his best to contradict what Ocelot says as a bad idea. This includes fultoning home a wolf-dog puppy. Ocelot says yes and Miller says no (The doggy stays and is called D-Dog and he is a GOOD BOY). Along the way, the Man on Fire returns to fuck shit up and that boy with the psychic powers, Tretij Rebenok, pops in to make things spooky. The main antagonist is revealed to be a man by the moniker Skullface, who is the head of XOF, a branch of Cipher that Major Zero originally commissioned to clean up after FOX, and “took care of” the minor details behind the Virtuous Mission and Operation Snake Eater. Skullface, tired of being used by countless masters, having lost his face, his home, his mother tongue, his very identity, wrested control of Cipher from Zero and is now using the research Cipher has been doing for his own malicious ends. Namely, parasites that can do basically magic. The superpowered Skulls are only the tip of the iceberg. Venom also captures this parasite-powered super-sniper, Quiet. He decides not to kill Quiet after defeating her, and Quiet returns the favor by saving Venom from a pursuant fighter jet sent by Cipher. Miller wants nothing to do with Quiet, as she’s obviously an assassin sent by Cipher bent on killing Venom and destroying the Diamond Dogs. Things aren’t as bad as Miller makes them out to be, and Ocelot sees Quiet as an asset, since she has had so many opportunities to kill Venom but has not acted on a single one after being defeated and captured.

They get wind of Huey Emmerich’s whereabouts. They go to capture him too and Kazuhira Miller kinda licks his chops over getting revenge on Huey as well as Huey was the one that called the nuclear inspection on MSF “to resolve them of all guilt.” Huey’s been busy working under Skullface, making a new Metal Gear known as Sahelanthropus. Despite being barely finished, it can move on its own accord thanks to the help of the psychic boy, Tretij. Venom Snake captures Huey and gets the hell out of Dodge. At about this time, the Diamond Dogs expand their operations into Africa as well, as it’s known that XOF and Cipher have been working with the various paramilitary factions there. So Venom goes in to snoop again. He picks up Eli, who is this jerk-ass kid who leads a bunch of child soldiers who don’t have adult handlers. Eli is clearly a twelve year old Liquid Snake, and he HATES his “father” Big Boss. Anyway, all of the adults in the child soldiers’ villages have died. Upon further investigation of the reasons why, the second third of the parasite research comes to light: “vocal cord parasites” that kill everyone that speaks the language they’re attuned to. There’s a bunch of neat theory crafting that says that these parasites should be living in symbiosis with us, but they’ve been changed/nuked to be harmful instead. As a vocal chord parasite rampages through the Diamond Dogs, Venom enlists the help of Code Talker, a Navajo parasitologist who was captured and forced to work for Cipher. This brings into light the last third of the parasite research: Metallic Archaea that can convert regular uranium into weapons grade uranium. Skullface wants to spread nuclear weapons to every single faction possible and make it simple for these factions to acquire more nuclear weapons as a part of deterrence. The trick is that he can also deactivate the Metallic Archaea so that only the nuclear weapons that he wants to work will work. He also wants to spread the English strand of the vocal cord parasites to wipe out what he sees as the most virulent language of the modern world. This way, he will be able to take revenge against everyone who has in some way betrayed or slighted him. Venom stops this shit. Tretij betrays Skullface because Eli is a lot more interesting to him. This causes Sahelanthropus to run amok, nearly killing Skullface. After Sahelanthropus gets fucked up, Miller and Venom shoot Skullface, holding the gun together as the recoil is too much for Miller alone to handle. Their revenge is now complete. Or is it?

The rest of the game is spent wrapping up plot points. Huey was discovered to be selling secrets to Cipher, and then causes an outbreak of the language parasite by surreptitiously increasing X-ray exposure on his coworkers, trying to make the parasite mutate. Eli and Tretij steal Sahelanthropus, which was being refurbished by Huey, flying it off Motherbase through the power of powerful psychic energy. Tretij is thus free to become Psycho Mantis and Eli Liquid Snake. Miller decides that’s enough shit that Huey’s been allowed to get up to, and they find Dr. Strangelove’s remains in one of Huey’s projects. Turns out Dr. Strangelove had a child with Huey and that child was used in experiments, which Dr. Strangelove protested, which lead to her getting killed. That child is of course Hal “Otacon” Emmerich. Upon learning about Dr. Strangelove’s fate, Venom and the Diamond Dogs discharge Huey from service and exile him. That fucker. The Man on Fire is revealed to have been Volgin, whose electricity superpowers (possibly powered by parasites) had kept him in a coma. He was also seeking revenge through the aid of Tretij. But after Tretij left, the remaining psychic emanations of Volgin finally die off. Quiet is revealed to have been one of the assassins sent to kill Venom in the Hospital, but she’s done so much for Venom at this point, that’s practically a wash. She was originally going to get revenge on all of them by killing Venom and then releasing the English strand of the vocal cord parasite on Motherbase. She no longer wants to do that, but upon finding out that the parasite can be mutated and activated even if she doesn’t speak a single word of English, she escapes Motherbase and goes AWOL, trying to make sure she doesn’t accidentally kill everyone she’s come to know and love.

The final twist in the game is that Venom Snake isn’t Big Boss. He’s the Medic who was caught in the explosion on the helicopter. Major Zero through Cipher decided that, through the use of hypnosis and reconditioning (because this is what Ocelot is good at), they would make a decoy double for Big Boss, just in case Big Boss needs to die. Instead of being furious with this idea, Big Boss goes with it, and uses Venom to the utmost of his ability, even posing as “Ishmael” to make sure his decoy survives. Ocelot auto-hypnotizes himself to forget he had run this entire hypnosis process on Venom so that he could work under Venom without giving up the ghost, or the phantom, so to speak. When Miller finally finds out after the credits, he’s furious. He completely disavows Big Boss and decides to support “his Phantom and his sons.” Thus setting up the events of Metal Gear. At the same time, Venom learns about this... and accepts this. Kinda. It’s ambiguous if he’s that loyal to Big Boss or if he’s given up being separate from the legend. In this sense, this might be one of the only “clone/remaking of Big Boss” that is truly successful. Partially because it had to be successful. Partially because Big Boss was involved directly.

The Phantom thus dies at Solid Snake’s hands in Metal Gear, patching up a plot hole in the continuity.

Now the part that people actually care about.

Metal Gear Solid is the game that everyone in the fandom basically started out on because Metal Gear was before a lot of people’s times, and Metal Gear 2 wasn’t properly distributed in the US until about Metal Gear Solid 3′s re-release.

There are some hints of Big Boss/Solid Snake, Gray Fox/Solid Snake, and Miller/Solid Snake but these are primarily after the fact when their characters are better established. Nothing that was concurrent with the games (at least nothing I’m aware of).

Expect a lot of hatesex.

Metal Gear Solid:

Snake/Meryl and Snake/Otacon are basically the two most obvious ones and both of these ships revolve around the characters that you primarily interact with and “save” in some way in the game. The two endings either have Snake and Meryl riding off into the sunset on a snowmobile (if Meryl is saved) or Snake and Otacon riding off into the sunset on a snowmobile (if Meryl dies).

Solid Snake/Liquid Snake is somewhat present as it’s the typical protagonist/antagonist ship with a bit of incestuous spice.

Snake/Ocelot kinda exists in the way that Ocelot clearly enjoys torturing Snake and Ocelot is that kind of super flashy/flamboyant character.

Snake/Gray Fox is barely present, the fight that happens includes bits where Gray Fox basically wants Snake to hurt him more. And that gets somewhat expanded on. In extra games that I haven’t listed because they are of dubious canon, it’s revealed that Gray Fox served as a child solider under Big Boss so there’s also that connection.

Snake/Sniper Wolf exists only because there’s a whole “She needs to fall in love with you to kill you” weirdness around her femme fatale character.

Metal Gear Solid 2:

Snake/Otacon is going strong as the entire first section is basically about Otacon commenting on the outrageous things Snake gets up to.

Snake/Ocelot gets expanded upon slightly because of the ridiculousness of Ocelot’s appearance and exit.

Raiden has a girlfriend called Rosemary who is revealed to be an AI, but there’s another actual Rosemary that Raiden has become semi-estranged to but that Rosemary is also involved with the Patriots... It’s complicated.

Snake/Raiden and Iroquois/Raiden is pretty big, as this is gruff older dude with somewhat effeminate younger dude (with amazing hair). Snake also tells Raiden to “choose his own fate” so that’s also a charm point.

Solidus Snake/Raiden is a thing that probably has a lot to do with daddy kink, as Raiden was a child soldier under Solidus Snake, and hateshipping the protagonist and antagonist.

Raiden/Vamp (a mid-boss) kinda exists? It’s mostly because Raiden gets flirted with in a dangerous way and finds out that Vamp is a bisexual.

Snake/Iroquois is largely a part of a running joke in which everyone wants to know what happens to Iroquois Pliskin who clearly not Snake.

Metal Gear Solid 3:

Naked Snake/The Boss is a big one, it’s implied Snake has feelings for his mentor, which makes his final battle with her even more tragic.

Naked Snake/Ocelot is compounded by the way Solid Snake/Ocelot was a thing, but this has been expanded into a full on “Ocelot has a giant crush on this dangerous hunk of a man who trained under Ocelot’s mom.”

Naked Snake/EVA is another ship that happens largely because they have sex and a lot of suggestive comments/flirting before then.

Naked Snake/Volgin is kinda the typical protagonist/antagonist ship with the extra kick of Volgin having tortured Snake. Volgin also is strongly implied to be at least gay if not bi and extremely sadistic. He apparently has a relationship with an officer named Ivan Raidenovitch Raikov (who looks ODDLY LIKE RAIDEN), and part of what EVA was originally tasked to do was get close to Volgin to steal the Philosopher’s Legacy, etc. Volgin/Raikov and Volgin/EVA are not unheard of for that reason.

The Boss/EVA isn’t unheard of, if only because that’s basically the only given/possible woman/woman ship that’s present. The only other female presence is the voice of the Paramedic.

Metal Gear Solid 4:

Snake/Otacon is still going strong and it’s tragic! Snake’s in his twilight years! They have a daughter! Otacon looks like a rugged handsome nerd and not just a nerd! There are a lot of melancholy domestic fics here.

Snake/Ocelot has taken a REALLY WEIRD TURN now that it’s been revealed that Ocelot had a thing for Big Boss. Especially since Ocelot is pretending to be Liquid Snake at the same time. A lot of fuck ups all around. Ocelot also can kiss Snake in their ultimate battle on top Outer Heaven.

Raiden/Vamp returns because they had a rematch in this game. Except Raiden is a cyborg now.

There’s a bit where Snake/Raiden exists in a “Raiden is taking care of the geriatric Snake” sorta deal.

Johnny/Meryl is now a thing. Johnny being a gag soldier that constantly gets diarrhea as toilet humor. He still gets diarrhea in this game. They also get married. Yes, they marry Meryl off to the shittiest character.

Is there a thing for Snake/Big Boss? I really don’t know?? They have one scene where they’re Old together and they kinda have a making up after awkward years of wtf.

Metal Gear Solid: Peace Walker:

Now, there are “dates” that you can go on as extra fanservice missions. Really there are only two that are really notable: Big Boss/Kaz and Big Boss/Paz.

Big Boss/Kaz is amazing because it goes from Big Boss dominating Kaz to it being a mutually reciprocated relationship but Kaz still kinda feels like he’s under Big Boss’s thumb. There’s also an aspect of Kaz wanting to live up to Big Boss’s expectations.

Big Boss/Paz is kinda squick because she’s allegedly only 18 (really 25 but that’s not revealed until she reveals her true nature as a spy). It’s mostly the schoolgirl crush on the handsome older man sorta deals.

Strangelove/The Boss makes a bit of an appearance because Strangelove retroactively becomes a big part of The Boss’s backstory, even if it’s not explicitly stated that The Boss reciprocated those feelings.

Strangelove/Huey is also a thing if only because Huey obviously has a thing for Strangelove.

There are a few other minor characters due to the game being much more of an ensemble game.

Metal Gear Solid V

Shit gets complicated/interesting here.

Venom/Miller/Ocelot As “Big Boss” has an established relationship with both of them, so there’s an O3P revolving on Venom Snake. Venom/Miller and Ocelot/Venom are both popular as well with kinda opposite dynamics.

Big Boss/Ocelot and Big Boss/Miller are also major as these are both the “true versions” of the “fake” ship that is Venom/et al. That said, aftergame Big Boss/Miller becomes a straight up hateship.

Big Boss/Venom is also kinda a thing because of the way that Big Boss is controlling/behind Venom’s actions and motivations. A lot of it basically becomes emotional abuse based on like super gaslighting.

Somehow I’m pretty sure Big Boss/Ocelot/Miller is rarer than Big Boss/Venom/Ocelot/Miller. Possibly because by the Big Boss reveal, there’s no way Miller sits and takes it unless Venom is there too.

Ocelot/Miller is also somewhat of a hateship because they’re constantly at odds with each other and have the same love interest(s). With how smarmy/smug Ocelot can be and how pissed off Miller is, there’s some good content here based on Miller’s frustration/exasperation.

Venom/Quiet is kinda pushed in the game (they have a vaguely romantic scene together) and they work great together (Venom works well with all of his partners. D-Dog included) and there’s a bit of tragic hateship-ish involved.

Miller/Quiet is also a thing simply because Miller hates Quiet and Quiet is a superpowered cryptid and Miller has half of his limbs but Miller is the XO and Quiet is technically like a PoW, so there’s really weird power dynamics going on.

Liquid Snake/Psycho Mantis becomes a thing retroactively because Eli/Tretij is kind of a thing but it’s uncomfortable shipping two clearly underaged boys.

No one likes Huey, but there might be something where Huey gets his ass kicked by Skullface. And everyone else. Huey’s not a good person.

Venom/Skullface and Big Boss/Skullface is theoretically something that should exist, but is probably more rare than it should be because there are so many better ships out there already. Skullface also looks pretty nasty and not handsomely rugged.

AND THAT IS THAT FOR A PRIMER ON METAL GEAR SOLID I’M SO SORRY IT’S SO LONG BUT THERE’S SO MUCH.