#right now im paralyzed and i just can't do anything or read or write or eat or move im just sitting here in fear

[bleakbluejay]

emailed my professor asking if i can turn my paper in tomorrow

she's really bad at returning my emails quickly/timely

if she doesn't get back to me, i just fail. there's no way i can finish this paper in time. i have lost the ability to read. i need to sleep

[zombie-girl-memoirs]

Some thoughts and feelings have been buried inside me for years. Yesterday I wrote them down.

I'm filled with oblivion and apathy, and all around me is paper and plastic, a cage carefully manufactured by me. I hate this silence. Like everyone in the world is dead. Maybe I am. Inside.

I'm a zombie girl.

And I don't even like zombies. Well, I don't really like myself either, tbh. I'm working on my self-esteem and stuff.

[See the last phrase? Even here I try to pretend like I'm okay and be the positive spiritual guru that I'm not. I'll try to keep it honest and not let that mask blur my truth...]

Time seems paralyzed and I want to disappear, crash my skull like a watermelon to stop thinking. I can't even read.

But when I put music on, this strange void and stuffiness is filled with sound and air. And I forget it all

I speak through their voice

I thrive

I forget

I grin

I know that probably I won't change tomorrow

That makes me sad

But I keep dancing

...

I have a call.

I don't want to talk to people.

I wish someone could come and rescue me

That they'd look at me and see me, with my pain and wonders.

And they smile and hug me.

I understand, you're safe with me, they'd say.

Ah, I wish...

...

I brushed my hair in the dark.

I do things just to appear busy. Or think that im actually trying.

Everything good that blooms inside me, i kill. Inside me there's a grey dessert. Dessert. Haha. Typos... *desert

I feel so angry at the world. I feel like i gave up on myself and people. I cut every thread that connected me to others. I conviced myself i only need me. I dont know any more...

But i fear trying. Caring is hurting. It hasnt worked well for me in the past...

I dont know how to talk to people. I dont know how to be vulnerable. I dont know how to be myself.

Everything is cut off in the middle. I break and reconstruct myself again and again till the point where i never get anything done.

I cant be honest with people.

I want them to think im okay.

I feel self centered and whiny if i say im not.

I fear being co dependent.

I fear being alone.

I fear it all.

Im tired.

I want to change.

Like a phoenix.

Maybe i struggle cause part of me doesnt want to perish...

I hope this was easier.

But i guess growth never is.

I have to accept it.

The sooner the better.

I got a call now.

I dont feel social.

I'll paint a smile on my face and put the pre recorded voice. They'll love me.

Maybe i resent everyone because i feel like its their fault. Like they were the ones there. Even if they didnt even know i existed.

Like they might hurt me again as they did. They're not individuals who hurt me. They're ghost that live in every person i encounter. I dont like ghosts.

But maybe i am one myself.

Funny life, innit?

Im falling asleep, its only 9pm, and i'll probably stay half unconscious till 1 or 2... Who cares. I dont. No one ever does.

Im always angry inside.

Why cant anyone see my pain.

Im akways kind of nervous when sharing this darkness of mine. Everyone seems to have the right to complain and scream about how stupid the world is and how that new Star Wars movie stinks even though you were looking forward to it, and everyone seems to love it.

I dont know about you, but im very critical and annoyed with that kind of people. I want to snort and tell them to shut the fuck up, no one cares that you're sad and angry.

No one does.

Maybe its because i myself am sad and angry and i never express it. I sometimes wish i could set a fire and break havoc.

Oh, someone called me while writing this. Needless to say, i ignored it.

Anyway.

...

It was a delivery. I got a package delivered. Something I bought for msyelf. A beautiful tarot deck. Its funny. I was so pissed this morning. Yesterday i was kind of excited for it, as if it was christmas, the only interesting thing to look forward to. Now i have it. I dont know how to feel. Its gorgeous. I like it.

Anyway!

Let me finish my rant. As i was saying. I hate people that are whiny, and pessimistic and cynic. I kinda feel like they do it to be interesting.

But i do feel cynical and pessimistic.

I just dont show it because i feel like everyone will get tired of me and hate me. Like the rot apple.

I read a book where the protagonist is dark and depressed and cynical and somehow everyone forgives her and loves her for who she is, she finds a gorgeous boy, just as quirky and wise and broken as her, he tells her he'll help her live again. He hugs her even when she's crap.

I thought it was a pretty fairy tale. It doesnt happen irl. Not to me.

Maybe i just have bad luck and live in the most boring place in the world.

I dont like to share these feelings because i know what they'll say and its not helpful. You know, that thing you see in mugs and posters. Live love laugh. Idk the correct order.

It'll be alright! You're awesome!

Mkay, Susan, now I'm happy and all my problems have been solved. Thank you.

I know they mean well. But i dont want advice or comfort words. I just want someone to listen, to see me, to see my pain for what it is and dont dismiss it. And then give me a hug, maybe. If i like them. I dont like hugs from strangers, or people in general.

The other scenario is like that time when i was crying and my mom yelled at me WHY CANT YOU BE OKAY, WHY CANT YOU BE HAPPY?! Or when my dad stared at me in silence while i cried, frozen, and he said with stern tone, stop crying. I didnt.

Sadness and anger arent pretty emotions, nor acceptable.

And i dismiss it when i see someone else's.

Maybe because no one sees my pain, so i dont want to see theirs.

You see, when i was a kid i was cheerful and creative and social and happy and adaptable. But... you know that they make products so that they get broken at certain point so that you buy a new one? Expiration date pre fabricated. I feel like that. I was functioning right till i was 12. Then everything was broken.

You know that meme? About 4 mysteries of humanity, and one of them is "why i stopped being happy when i was 11"

#relatable

I've been dead inside since then.

No one noticed though. Maybe they just didnt want to care, it was inconvenient. Then they put the blame on my for not being a happy fucking unicorn with rainbows and flowers. Cussing in english is kinda fun...

My older sister was very sick once. Everyone put money for the operation. Everyone surrounded her like she was the sun and im Pluto. A dwarf planet. Sounds kinda cute. Its not.

Im always supporting everyone yet no one asks me if im alright. Probably i'd lie if they'd do, though. I always lie. Thats why i wish someone would see through me.

Anyway. I thought it was hilarious.

I started feeling like a ghost since i was 12. It wasnt pretty. Invisibility isnt a nice superpower, i tell you that. Pick teleportation in the buzzfeed quiz instead.

I thought i was okay now. Turns out im not. I feel like a zombie. Or a paper doll with a smile painted on her face, hollow inside, maybe filled with ghosts.

Im dead and no one cares.

Do i want them to care?

Idk.

I wanted to die a few times. Not like die die irl. More like what Hermione does with that obliviate spell. Disappear. Poof! And go live to a forest and read.

Sounds pretty cozy, right?

I think connection to others is also connection to life. But i cut the threads. Im pretty sure they'd forget about me quickly...

I already isolated myself like Elsa.

Fuck y'all! Im tired of your bullshit!

Go, Elsa, go!

I kinda want someone to sneak in my ice castle, and pat me in the head, like in animes do, ara ara, and i'd smile like a cute anime girl, or like that shinigami from Death Note. No middle ground. But i'll breath relieved.

I want someone that feels like sunshine.

But im not worthy of that sunshine. I would stain their beauty with my darkness, like a virus or black ink spilled in gorgeous silk paper.

And chances are that sunshine is a facade. Its funny how many personality traits are just a defense mechanism.

You know, that smiling boy who is always happy, you go and scratch the coating paint and find out monsters and goo and death metal and screams.

I dont want to deal with his pain.

But its not fair that i only share mine.

So i'll just not. You know. Make friends with him.

He doesnt exist btw, i just made him up.

Im not straight btw, just to get it clear.

But this isnt about gender and sexuality, even though i find those topics very interesting.

Lately i've been listening to Billie Eilish a lot. What a surprise, huh?

Hostage, in particular. I kind of feel that way. I want to have someone love me yet i dont want them to break my walls or share my heart cause i hate being vulnerable.

Maybe thats why i write this. And share it with you.

Though idk if anyone is reading it.

Maybe its like talking to the empty space in the universe.

Or not.

The point is that i can share here without completely showing my truth yet not lying at the same time.

You wont meet me, like, ever. I wont meet you. It would be strange if we'd do. You'd know more about me than i know about you. Or maybe because you relate to me i kinda do know you, a little. Who knows. Sounds like a movie. Aint happening. Sorry for being such a mood killer. I do like to romanticize life in general... just not here, not now.

Back to the main point here, you may relate to something i say, and you feel a teeny tiny bit less lonely.

Kinda like laughing at memes about panic attacks. Its not a funny thing but its nice seeing that you're not alone.

Funny thing is that even if we dont meet you'll know me better than my friends and family do. Cause i keep a mask of happy me when im around them.

So that kinda makes us a tiny bit like friends.

I hope you dont relate that much to me, though. I'd like for you to be happier than i am.

Looking back, this post is hella long ㅋㅋㅋㅋ but whatever