#remembering them like i know my grandmomma now

[bubble-you]

10 ways to distract from the inevitable fact of aging

10 illusions to believe in to distract you from the abstract things you can't control

[homosociallyyours]

@velvet-impala tagged me to answer this long set of questions, and bc I love this sort of thing I’m DOING IT! I’ll tag folks here just in case you don’t want to read thru this whole dang thing. But I wanna say: if you want to do this, PLEASE DO IT and tag me so I can see-- I *love* reading responses to stuff like this. But @la-paritalienne @disgruntledkittenface @and-id-marry-larry @calmrry @crinkle-eyed-boo @lightwoodsmagic -- y’all are tagged :) 

1. Do you prefer writing with a black pen or blue pen? black, but what matters most is how smoothly it writes.

2. Would you prefer to live in the country or city? walkable neighborhood in a city. 3. If you could learn a new skill what would it be? would love to learn how to hack into billionaire bank accounts without getting caught so i could redistribute their wealth to a variety of mutual aid funds. :)  4. Do you drink your tea/coffee with sugar? no, just milk! unless it’s really shitty/bitter coffee, and then i will take it with a couple sugars or sweetened creamer. 

5. What was your favourite book as a child? probably the Anne of Green Gables books  6. Do you prefer baths or showers? showers! i wanna love a bath, but i get bored too fast and i never feel comfortable (where do i put my head? my feet? what do i do when my belly isn’t covered by the water and it gets cold?) so they’re meh. 

7. If you could be a mythical creature, which one would it be? dryad! i wanna be a tree spirit!

8. Paper or electronic books? paper, i guess. but i do love reading fic electronically, so..

9. What is your favourite item of clothing? used to be my work hoodie. but now i would say this blue striped button down i have OR this one black dress i have with 3/4 sleeves that’s really soft and comfy. 

10. Do you like your name or would you like to change it? i always meant to start going by Dottie when I got older, but it hasn’t happened yet so it probably won’t by now? but i would never change my name generally speaking. 

more after the cut! 

  11. Who is a mentor to you? i had a co-worker who was really a mentor for me since i got into being a cheesemonger in 2008. he’s been in the industry for a long time and basically recruited me to the job i have/had here. but when i got sick he basically dropped me/hasn’t spoken to me in a long time. let me tell you: it fucking sucks. bc a mentor is a cross between a friend and a colleague and a relative; we jokingly called him my lesbian uncle. and so losing him from my life so completely over something like this is deeply shitty. 

12. Would you like to be famous and if so, what for?  not now, but before i was sick i would’ve said yes. BUT only bc i think i would be a great Saturday Night Live host (not a cast member! just a one time host with a monologue/skits). So whatever level of fame i needed to get that..

13. Are you a restless sleeper? I have really bad insomnia that means i take at least an hour to fall asleep most nights. Once I’m out, I usually sleep ok, but i do have intense dreams/nightmares that wake me up sometimes. 

14. Do you consider yourself a romantic person? yeah :/

15. Which element best represents you? earth: the wet dirt and leaves in a forest after rain in particular

16. Who do you want to be closer to? emotionally i’m pretty good i think. physically i wish i could be closer to friends and family in NYC, Seattle area, TN/Atlanta, and Germany

17. Do you miss someone at the moment? the people referenced above. also missing my Grandmomma a lot lately and my mom. 

18. Tell us about an early childhood memory. art lessons with my grandmomma. her set of pastels that were all worn down and the heavy paper (black) that she pulled out to work on. she drew a quick portrait of a man, showing me how to create depth in skin tones with blue and green against the softer flesh tones. she didn’t blend it out, the marks all painterly and strong-- her style. i was 10, maybe? 12? so not *early* but it feels like forever ago. 

19. What is the strangest thing you have eaten? i have no idea? i’ve eaten a lot of weirdish cheeses. i’ve had geoduck? 

20. What are you most thankful for? the amazing friends i’ve gathered into my life along the way, my dad, and my baby dog. 

21. Do you like spicy food? yes, within reason (i don’t get stuff that’s spicy just for the heck of it, like ghost pepper chips or whatever? but when spice is integrated in with other flavors i love it)

22. Have you ever met someone famous? i used to make up stories about meeting famous people that were based on partial truths. i’ve hung out with or met a lot of gay famous people. but the biggest person who comes to mind is Sandra Bernhard. I sold her cheese.  23. Do you do you keep a diary or journal? i have over the years. now i sometimes write things down in a paper journal, but mostly go to a really old blogging site where i basically put all my big feelings down in a public but sorta private spot.  

24. Do you prefer to use a pen or a pencil? depends on my mood.

25. What is your star sign? taurus sun and moon, gemini rising

26. Do you like your cereal soggy or crunchy? in between...not HARD crunchy, but not soft soggy. 

27. What would you want your legacy to be? would like people to remember that i loved them well and made them feel good/happy when i was around them. and hopefully that it made them feel like being good to others too. 

28. Do you like reading, what was the last book you read? i do, but i’m mostly reading fic these days. i think the thing i read last was Pink Like the Paradise Found, which was FANTASTIC!

29. How do you show someone you love them? i tell them, shower them with physical affection, and do little things for them. also try to remember small details about what they enjoy and then do stuff to make them feel good when they’re down

30. Do you like ice in your drinks? yes, but not too much

31. What are you afraid of? sometimes being along but only when it’s very dark out and i’m in the sads. honestly-- this is some deep internalized ableism but here it is --i’m very afraid of never getting better and not being able to take care of myself or anyone else. 

32. What is your favourite scent? jasmine flowers, pu-er tea, the specific scents of people i love

33. Do you address older people by their name or surname? however they’re introduced i guess. maybe because i’m an older person lol

34. If money was not a factor, how would you live your life? i would live in the apartment i had alone (with a guest room). i would hire someone from my community to come help me out sometimes. i would get a weekly grocery delivery from the good quality place. i would have a dog walker. and i would fly home to see my family more than once a year and fly my family out for a visit sometimes. so like. probably the way a lot of ppl live? idk. 

35. Do you prefer swimming in pools or the ocean? ocean

36. What would you do if you found £50 on the ground? get dinner at the thai restaurant down the street a couple times. 

37. Have you ever seen a shooting star? yes, lots! 

38. What is the one thing you would want to teach your children? i’m not having kids BUT for the kids in my life, i try to teach them/model the importance of consent and respect for their own bodies as well as other people’s. and i know it said one thing, but alongside that is that i respect and love them for who they are, and that’s something they get to decide. 

39. If you had to have a tattoo, what would it be and where would you get it? i want a lot of tattoos, but if i could get one tomorrow it would be a cheese themed tattoo with a variety of cheese knives (parm tools, dutch style knife) and a small cheese assortment. or a portrait of my dog

40. What can you hear now? this kinda dumb netflix show that i decided to binge today even tho it’s only kinda meh and my dog snoring just a little. 

41. Where do you feel the safest? when i’m surrounded by friends. 

42. What is the one thing you want to overcome/conquer? my stupid money issues prolly

43. Of you could travel back to any era, what would it be? wanna go back to 1977 and live in the girl direction AU i wrote last year, lol.

44. What is your most used emoji? laugh crying emoji or sobbing maybe

45. Describe yourself using one word. colorful

46. What do you regret the most? not sure if this is a thing but i regret not realizing when i got bitten by a tick/got lyme disease the first time, bc maybe i could’ve just taken antibiotics and killed it, and then maybe i wouldn’t be sick? 

47. Last movie you saw? watched the new charlie’s angels the other night

48. Last tv show you watched? this dumb show is called sweet magnolias, and it’s. honestly not terrible! it’s just not my style of show. OH WAIT i take it back, they left it on a really shitty cliffhanger without warning, and that is the one way to make me drop your show/fic HARD unless i like. genuinely love you. so byeeee dumb show, hope you get cancelled

49. Invent a word and it’s meaning. saungry: sadness brought on by being hungry, like hangry except oops you’re crying now! example: “fuck i knew i should’ve eaten before calling my best friend, now i miss them and i’m too saungry to figure out what to eat! Guess I’ll have tears for dinner” (almost called it sungry, but the internet thinks that might just mean ‘so hungry’)

did you make it to the end? WOW! devotion. thank you. 

[charnellecatastrophe]

Getting custody of my siblings was my decision. No one suggested it. It's what I wanted to do since age 13. If I could have then I would've asked my grandparents right then. It was my understanding you have to wait till 21. So around when 21 going on 22, I went for it. I called the courts and asked what do I need to do. They said whomever has current custody will have to appear in court. That was my grandma at the time. I asked her to let me have joint custody. I showed her my plan of how much more I could do for my siblings and help her with. She agreed. So I paid my fees, filled out tons of papers and pleaded my case before the judge. He liked me. I cringed when my lawyer had to mention my lack of achievements (things I should BEEN done by the time as I was 21) but she also mentioned my care and strong want to be a legal guardian. She showed me the papers where she went and asked the kids do they even want me to be there guardian? She explained through my to them what that meant and what it means I could do. I still like to read those papers sometimes to see the nice things they said.

I cannot remember exactly all the judge said. But when he said, "Well, young lady no one else has come forth on their behalf. Joint custody is granted to you." I smiled and he smiled back.

That was a good day. I felt a little more grown up. I only wish I were more ready. I also hadn't thought it would scare people to think grandmomma was declining in health. I felt bad when a friend asked was my grandma ok on a post I wrote about going to court. Grandma was still well then.

I hate that anyone thinks I was just trying to get over on my own family and be in control of their money. I keep receipts. I can hand over the accounts for each of them. You will see that their money is spent on them. Hah, and some of mine too. Literally anyone else could have called the court and asked for custody! The judge made sure to mention that! Any other half sibling they have could've gotten custody. No one asked grandma or the court. They have it on file that I am the only one besides their dad and our grandparents that paid fees and filed papers to get the custody. Some people told my grandma she should've gotten sole custody from jump. Grandma had a special heart. While under the circumstances she and grandpa surely could've gotten sole custody. But why do that when they had a father trying to step up? I love my grandparents for that. Even more. :)

I thank God. Had I not gotten custody things would have been MUCH harder when our grandmomma died. Its still tough. I cry so much wishing everyone was still here. Life is hard at any age when your parents are gone. But this happened to us while we were kids.

I hope one day to really be the big sister I'm supposed to be. I think back often to when my mommy called me the second mom. I am like a mom. It is not easy! I respected my momma. In my heart I really did see her as a wonder woman. I thought she was amazing. She was. I feel like she would've wanted me to do what I did in caring for them. I often ask myself "what would momma do??" Oh how I wish we were a team right now. I love them so much and don't want to keep failing. Its so hard to when you're doing all of this on your own. Single mothers have my utmost respect, y'all are some warriors! Omg!

Its my hope that by the time all my sibs are in their 20s, with me for a bit lol, they can say I did good. I made mistakes, I got on their nerves, they didn't want to be 'parented' by big sis, but I hope they come to be glad and proud. I love my family. Even when they hurt my feelings and think untrue things about me lmao. I know I be trippin' too. I also know people think I'm way in over my head. Maybe so. But they got me, I got them and tbh, we're making it. It's only going to get better and better. We're blessed!

Well this got long. I really just needed to vent. Thanks for reading if you did, heh. I love YOU.

[avaalons]

Chris Evans Fic: Still Beautiful

Lots of Chris in this one, rather than ‘you’. Pure fluffy fluff. I have no shame and no excuses :)

***

Chris could hear the chaos before he’d even put the key in the door. It was a sound that he’d secretly come to love when thinking back on the days in this very house when it was just him and Dodger in quiet solitude. He couldn’t help but smile to himself though as he stepped through the doorway to discover what craziness his family we’re getting up to today.

‘Dad’s home!’ was screamed from somewhere in the house and two small bodies came barrelling down the hall in a blur, skidding on the wooden flooring as they tried to slow themselves down. Chris knelt down and braced himself for impact as they hurled themselves into his arms. He left loud, smacking kisses on their faces in greeting and they laughed at the tickling his beard caused.

‘Right, stand back, let me look at you,’ he held them at arm’s length and pretend to regard them sternly with one arched eyebrow and a pinched mouth.

'Master Evans, you appear to be covered in flour, would you like to explain yourself?’ He requested in mock seriousness of his eldest son.

'Momma’s been baking with us,’ Mason answered back in excitement, giggling, 'Come and see Daddy, come and see.’

His son put one sticky hand around his fingers to pull him towards the kitchen. Chris stood up as he spoke to his second eldest.

'Is this true Gracie?’

A pair of big blue eyes (so much like his own, he thought) blinked back at him and she nodded happily.

'Shall we go and see then? Hop on and let’s go and see what you’ve made,’ he patted his leg and she instantly clung to it koala style. The three of them walked to the kitchen together, Chris relying on all his acting skills to drag his leg and complain about the heavy weight slowing him down.

In the kitchen he finally got to see his wife. You were just pulling your youngest out of the high chair having finished baking and leaving the results on the counter to cool. You were covered in baking ingredients and probably more than an acceptable amount of baby sick. Your hair was in a messy bun piled haphazardly on top of your head and you were wearing your yoga pants and a thin, slouchy v neck tshirt.

As Chris looked at you, you swiped some hair from your face as Freya tried to reach for the loose strands with a chubby fist, gurgling happily on your hip as you bounced her. You were a sight to behold, and still took his breath away, years later.

'Hey beautiful,’ Chris’ deep voice sounded from the other side of the room and you spun around to face him, smiling in greeting.

'Hey baby, I see you’ve found two rascals on your way in here,’ you nodded at your two eldest children now standing at Chris’ feet, holding each of his hands.

'I did indeed, they mentioned something about baking?’

At the word 'baking’, Mason cried out with urgency again, bouncing Chris’ arm.

'We made cupcakes Dad, chocolate ones!’

'No way, not chocolate ones! They’re my favourite! Let me have a look.’

You met Chris and your children by the cooling cakes on the counter and he pulled you to him for a hello kiss, careful not to bump Freya at your hip.

'Ewwwww! That’s so gross!’ Grace giggled as Mason pretended to throw up. You grinned against Chris’ mouth.

'She’s got a point babe, look at the state of me!’ you sighed, 'Remember when I used to be a model?!’

Chris spoke in a quiet voice, just for you, tightening his grip your baby free hip.

'You amaze me every single day and you are still the most beautiful woman I have ever seen.’

'Even covered in butter and baby sick?’

'Even then. Especially then,’ he kissed you again, quickly this time so as not to earn the distaste of Mason and Grace.

Freya reached out to him, clamping and opening her fists to get his attention and he quickly scooped her up and out of your arms, holding her around the middle securely and elevating her above his head before bringing her face to face with him.

'And how’s my little angel been today?’

'She’s been good. Napped earlier but been awake since then so hopefully we’ll have a decent night.’

'That’s what we like to hear. Now then, Mason, Gracie, you better show me what you’ve made.’

They pulled over their little steps with the rubber grips on so they could reach on to the counter and Mason began explaining the baked goods.

'We made enough for everyone! We’ve all got one each for after dinner.’

'Well, we might have to split Freya’s between us, she’s a bit young for chocolate cake yet. Can you count them for me, Mase?’

Mason began counting with Chris’ encouragement and you waited for the penny to drop with your husband.

'One… Two… Three… Four… Five… Six…. Six, Daddy, we made six!’

You could see Chris’ brow knit in confusion so you decided to stir things up a little more.

'And how many people have we got in our family Mason?’

He started counting on his fingers and eventually worked out there were five - two grown ups and two kids and a baby - and he beamed when you told him how clever he was with his numbers.

Chris still looked confused and kept glancing from the cakes back to you as Freya tried to stuff her hand in his mouth.

'Have a look at the toppers I made,’ and you slid the little flags you had taped to cocktail sticks ready to go in the tops of the cakes when they were ready.

He held them up one by one, reading Daddy, Mommy, Mason, Grace, Freya and then he paused at the last one, apparently speechless, before turning to you with it in his hand.

'You’re serious?’ He looked at you in disbelief.

'Dude, I’m as shocked as you are. Are we the most fertile couple on the planet or what?’ You laughed, letting your joy filter into your voice.

Chris laughed then, happiness spreading across his features as he read the flag once more: 'Baby Evans #4’.

'Oh my god, four kids. We’re going to be the parents of four actual kids,’ he spoke around his laughter, laying the topper on the counter again.

You placed a hand against his face and whispered, feeling the choking emotion that came with being a happy as you currently were, 'Four very lucky kids, to have you as a dad.’

He tilted his head down to rest his forehead against yours as he rested his free hand against your belly, 'We’re a team, sweetheart. There’s no way I could do this without you. You are, without a doubt, the best thing that ever happened to me.’

You pressed your lips to his, ignoring Freya’s pulls on your hair once again, before grinning, 'Oh I know, I just like to massage your ego from time to time.’

'Thanks babe. Love you too,’ Chris rolled his eyes at you in his good-natured way before indicating towards Mason and Gracie, 'I think this time we lead with the exciting news that they’ll get to go and stay with Grandmomma Lisa for a few days soon, rather than the news that there’s yet another brother or sister on the way.’

You nodded with certainty, remembering the sheer disappointment that unfolded when the news was broken before Freya’s arrival that the baby in Mommy’s tummy was, in fact, a person baby, and not a dog baby for Dodger to play with, 'Agreed, definitely. Good idea Evans, I knew there was a reason I married you.’

'Not my huge dick then, no?’

You gave him a light slap on his shoulder in exaggerated outrage. You were fairly certain Mason and Grace were too preoccupied choosing their icing and sprinkle combinations for their cupcakes to pay attention, but still, Mason was getting old enough to copy the things he heard now, especially where his dad was concerned.

'And because you’re such an amazing dad, you’ll be taking that particular parent-teacher conference when Mason’s been repeating your inappropriate language. Good luck teaming your way out of that one.’

[saltwaterlullaby]

Looking back on this two years later...

I made the move I was terrified of that night. At the time I felt like I didn't have another choice. and now I'm glad I didn't because I couldn't have been given a better choice.

About a month after I made this post one of my new coworkers found out I was living in a motel because my apartment kept pushing back my move in date. She insisted that I move into her spare bedroom until the apartment was ready. She's one of the best friends I've ever had.

Yeah I did lose most of my friends from back home. But it turns out we weren't really friends we just saw each other often haha! NOW I have friends. I have people who care about me and pick me up when my tire is flat and invite me to go to the aquarium with them and play trivia together and go for drinks every week and have parties together... I have REAL friends. A real family here.

I did lose my grandfather about two months after this post. Two days before my birthday. And yeah that sucked. I dropped everything and got home as fast as I could. Stayed for a week. But everyone here picked up the slack for me. Watched out for me. Made it somehow easier by grieving with me and letting me heal and showing me unbelievable love. The woman I mentioned before intentionally didn't do anything for my birthday last year. She came to me in private and told me "I promise I didn't forget I just wasn't sure if you were ready to celebrate and watching you the last couple days you weren't" and she was completely right. that level of love and care.

Grandmomma is still alive but only because she doesn't remember her soul mate is gone. It's still hard, but I don't have to worry about what I'll do anymore, because I know.

I miss my parents a little. I miss my sister a LOT. My brother will actually be moving out to this side of the state before too long so all will be right with the world again haha

I found a new church too!! One that has reignited my love of God and my desire to worship in a community. AND I even have friends at church!! Wild right?? haha

So strange to think that I ever considered only being here for a year. Surprise, past me! You DID fall in love with the school. And it fell in love with you!! You've never been so happy!!! And when anybody mentions moving you come right back with "yeah no I'm never leaving here." It's more wonderful than anything you could have imagined and you'll never look back!!!

Tonight my depression sits on my chest like a bulldozer ready to crush me until I’m flat. And the worst part is looking into the future and KNOWING it will be getting worse very soon because there is a good change that very soon I’m going to have to leave my whole world behind.

Yes it’s only three and a half hours and sure I can come back after a year if I need to but...

I’ll have to find ANOTHER job

I’ll have to pick up EVERYTHING. Again.

Until then I’ll be further away from my friends and family than any of them are from each other.

And I’ll be so. Far. Away. When we lose Him.

It won’t be long. But I only have a month left here.

And what happens when She gets sick too? She won’t be long behind Him; we all know it. So what do I do then? Drive that far every weekend? Only to drive back the next day?

What about until then? Or if She makes it much longer than we’re expecting? I won’t know a soul. I won’t even know where I am. I’ll need a new home. A new church. New friends. New things to keep me distracted from the fucking bulldozer.

I just... I’ll miss everyone so much... my parents... my sister... I’ll even be further away than my brother and that just seem so fundamentally WRONG in every way.

I know myself. And I know my mental state. Maybe it’ll be wonderful and I’ll fall in love with the school and it’ll fall in love with me... but how do I leave everything else behind?

[cajunroe]

speiroe + southern gothic!au (+ witch!gene + demon!speirs) ↳ in the span of his life, there were three things of which eugene roe was absolutely certain. one, he was a descendant of a long line of witches. two, that he would be hunted until the day he died. three, that dying for love was a most noble death. since the age of five, his family had trained him and taught him everything they knew. he took to it like a fish to water. his grandmother had showed him both dark and light magic. she always told him he was the strongest of them all, the smartest and fastest. he didn’t fully believe her until he had to fully use his powers. until he had to hurt, maim, and kill. until he met ron. since he’d met ron, he’s had nothing but trouble and danger lurking around every corner. in the heat of the lousiana summer, gene discovers more about himself than he ever expected to. he discovers the dark and blood-soaked current lurking just underneath the southern soil. he discovers that death and blood are not of consequences. he discovers that among the death, destruction, and decay that surrounds his life, love can be found. and gene, who has been hunted and hounded all his life, discovers that love is more than worth dying for. ron is worth dying for. 

if there’s one thing people always did, it was underestimate gene. both as a person and as a witch.

he was reserved, didn’t draw attention to himself, and was often shy to those he didn’t know. the people in town often crossed the street when they noticed him walking towards them. and he liked it that way, he didn’t let himself get too close to anyone, for fear that he’d lose them or that his enemies would use them against him. any weakness was a bad weakness. a vulnerability gene couldn’t afford in his line of work.

it was funny, though when the same people in town, who had avoided him, would come and seek his help. often enough, it was a spirit that hadn’t moved on or a simple hex that was reversed in an afternoon. they regard gene with a cautious awe when he would work so efficiently and quietly. he could understand it, it was intense when he was doing something so simple. he couldn’t imagine being on the outside looking in, watching something you knew nothing about.

so he continues, wards his home, and tries to stay below the radar.

that all goes to shit when he meets ron.

it was a significantly cold night, especially for the summer, when gene met ron outside a bar.

ron was fighting with three, very built and husky men, and looked as though he was losing.

gene interfered, immediately placing strong had on the man’s arm and saying a quick calming spell that passed through all three men in an instant.

ron was on the ground, lip bleeding and skin bruising.

the men walk away like nothing had happened.

gene put out a hand to help the man up.

“you okay?”

ron laughed, “i’ll be fine. they can’t hit worth a damn.”

gene narrowed his eyes, accent throwing him off for a second, “you’re not from ‘round here, are ya?”

ron shook his head, “just rolled into town actually. i was summoned.”

gene’s eye widened at the unique choice of words.

“summoned?”

ron nodded, “yes actually. i’m looking for a local supernatural savant, if you will.”

gene laughed, trying to cover up his nervousness.

“i don’t know what you mean, man.”

ron narrowed his eyes and step closely into gene’s space. he looked at gene for a long time and something in gene didn’t pull away, couldn’t.

ron’s eyes lit up and he smiled warmly.

something about the smile made gene’s heart race, both in fear and arousal. the combination heady.

“oh, i think you do. i think you’re exactly who i’m looking for.”

ron pushed gene against the side of the bar and kissed him hungrily.

gene wished he could’ve said he resisted, pushed ron away, and made him forget everything. but as it stood, the heat and lust that poured from ron’s lips and onto his made gene crave it, crave more, crave everything. 

ron slipped a leg between gene’s legs and the hard contact made gene growl low in his throat, like it was awakening and unleashing something deep inside gene that had long since been dormant.

once a substantial bruise had been sucked into ron’s neck, gene suggested in a flurry of rushed words that they continue this at his place.

he broke several laws to get them back, ron’s hand rubbing around his thighs doing nothing but fueling his desire and lead foot on the gas pedal.

once they reached his house, gene pulled ron out of the car and attempted to pull him through the door when ron was thrown from the entry and onto the ground.

gene’s heart stopped and he grabbed his spell-engraved gun from the table.

he pointed it at ron, nothing is his demeanor showing any levity or hesitation.

thinking back on their first meeting, ron had said that may have fallen in love at that very moment. he loved when gene was collected and utterly ruthless.

“what are you?” gene asked, tone clipped.

ron laughed shakily, still trying to catch his breath from the sheer powerful force that had expelled him from the house.

“fuck, they weren’t lying when they said you were powerful. that’s the strongest ward i’ve ever seen and i’ve seen a lot of them.”

“what are you?” gene tried again.

ron stood up, watching gene’s gun follow his every moment. he dusted off his clothes, “they didn’t say how absolutely beautiful you were, though. and that’s a real shame.”

“what the fuck are you?” gene asked again, cocking his gun with a loud click.

“first of all, my name is ron. second of all, i’m a demon. and that,” ron pointed to the gun, “won’t work on me.”

gene smiled, cold and calculating, “try me.”

ron took a step forward and gene shot, the bullet grazing ron’s arm and burning him significantly.

he cried out in pain and surprise.

“fuck. how?”

gene pointed to himself, “witch.” 

he knelt before ron who was immobilized and writhing in pain, “now i can stop the pain if you tell me why you’re here and who sent you.”

ron nodded, eyes screaming for him to hurry up.

“your friend summoned me for a protective detail. he...he had something i needed and i agreed if he’d give it to me.”

“who?”

“j-just,” ron cried out in pain and gene grabbed his arm, sensing the pain, but not relieving all of it.

ron sighed, “snafu.”

gene groaned and let go of ron’s arm, pain returning full force.

“fuck! where are you going?” ron cried out.

gene just looked at him with an exasperated sigh, “to confirm your story.”

gene dialed snafu’s number and when the werewolf answered gene laid into him.

“what the fuck are you thinkin’ snaf? one, i don’t need protection. and two, why would you choose a demon for this?”

“gene, i gotta go to alabama for a while. something’s in the air and there’s a group there that say they can help. i’m not gonna leave you alone out here, so i took precautionary measures.”

“what’re you talkin’ bout snaf?!” gene shouted over ron’s screams and demands. gene cast a quick silence spell so he could here his best friend.

“gene, something dark is coming, just like our grandmommas used to say. we have to get ready. so gear up, practice, and make sure your wards are strong. and don’t trust anyone but ron. i’ve known him for a while. he’s...he’s a good guy, gene. demon and all. he’ll help. please trust me. fuck, i gotta go. stay safe gene. i love ya man.”

“love ya too snaf. be safe.”

after they hung up, gene stared at his phone for a long time. then he remembered he had a demon writhing in pain on his front lawn.

he ran over to ron and quickly healed the searing, open wound and lifted the silence spell.

he heard ron taking in long and deep breaths. chest heaving up and down drastically, sweat dropping from his face and down his neck. gene traced a particularly big drop as it glided down and stopped in the hollow of ron’s throat. what he wouldn’t get to lick every last drop.

he looked to ron’s eye and saw nothing but lust and relief in his eyes, surprised not to see any anger there.

“did he tell you everything?”

gene looked at ron, the raspy, raw voice doing nothing to stop the lust in gene’s veins. if anything, it accelerated it. gene had never felt such a strong need to connect to another thing so much. it both scared and excited him. 

“i assume not everything, but i got the highlights. i’ll expect you to fill in the blanks.”

ron nodded before staring at gene, still prone on the ground.

he looked like he was trying to decide something important and gene watched as he made his decision. 

ron let out a small breath, “you’re remarkable gene. i underestimated you and i’m sorry.”

gene gasped silently. he said nothing for a long while before smiling. something about ron’s sincerity entrancing him.

“thank you. i never thought i’d see the day that a demon would compliment and apologize to me.”

ron laughed, “crazier things have happened.”

gene stood up and for the second time that night offered a hand to pull ron up. 

he pulled to hard because when ron came up, he was directly in front of him, eyes drifting to gene’s lips like they held the answer to any question he’d ever had.

gene couldn’t say what made him do it, lust or adrenaline or the connection that had been linked from the moment ron’s lips hit his, but he knew love when he felt it. and a part of him, from the moment their hands wrapped around one another, love ron’s completely and irrevocably. 

so gene looked into ron’s eyes before crashing his lips into ron’s, biting and sucking until he tasted iron and felt ron’s groan travel through his whole body, from his lips to his toes.

they hadn’t made it the front steps before their clothes were off. and they didn’t make it into the house until the early hours of the morning, and ron’s hands would stay off of him long enough to change the wards to let ron in. into his home, his life, and his heart.

in gene’s line of work, in his life, there weren’t many things that were impossible to believe. but falling in love with a demon, could definitely make the list. everything about ron was new and interesting and endearing to gene. from his impatience to his kleptomania, his violence to his tenderness. and everday gene fell more and more until one night, after they worked on a particularly gruesome spell involving blood and bones and power, and left them breathless, gene couldn’t hold it in anymore. ron was sweating and breathing heavy beside him, his laughter seeping into gene’s bones and making him calm.

“i love you.”

ron’s breathing faltered before he looked to gene with wide, and to gene’s surprise, scared, eyes.

“you what?”

gene showed no hesitation, like with everything he did in life, “i love you.”

ron shook his head, “you can’t possibly be serious.”

“i’m not really known for my sense of humor, ron.”

ron was quiet, contemplative for a long time, and gene waited. he would always wait for ron, no one else would ever match up, no one else could ever come close.

“you’re serious.”

gene smiled at the wavering voice, “as a heart attack.”

ron tackled gene to the ground, among the charred bones and dried blood, and told gene he loved him in the best way possible. with a powerful and heated kiss. 

and later as they lay panting on the bloodsoaked wood floors, gene was scared for the first time in a long time. he had weakness. he was vulnerable for the first time in his life. ron was his everything now. would always be. and gene knew that, with what was coming their way, he had the possibility of losing ron forever.

in the silence on the humid summer night, the soft wind blowing through his window, and ron breathing softly beside him, he swore that he protect ron with every last breath.

as far as dying goes, gene assumes it could be worse. he was bleeding from his head, and there were definitely broken ribs, a possible collapsed lung, and he was sure that his leg had a gash at least three inches deep.

snafu, and their grandmothers had been right, darkness was coming, and it was in the form of a coven of witches, forty strong, looking to drain gene of his powers and his life.

and gene knew they’d use ron to get to him. he knew it was a risk to be with ron. to love him. but gene wouldn’t take any of it back for anything. it had been the single blinding light in gene’s life full of darkness and secrets.

as gene braced himself against the wall, panting and reloading his spell-engraved gun with his last mag of similarly spell-engraved bullets, he smiled at the memory of ron whisper words of love into his hair earlier that morning. 

a flash of electricity flew over his head and he gathered himself together for the last twenty-five witches that waited, angry, on the other side of the wall. he took a deep breath, closed his eyes, and braced himself for the end. 

he only had seventeen bullets, 

but he hoped it’d be enough for ron to make an escape. 

to live.

but, when he opened his eyes, he saw nine very large wolves in front of him, and he smiled at the familiar jet black one that nuzzled his hand.

“good of you to make it snaf, you ready to do this?”

the wolf snarled, resulting in the other eight to do the same.

gene smiled, feral and cold, the smile of a stone-cold killer. 

these witches had done the one thing no one, who ever even heard a whisper of eugene roe, should never do.

they underestimated him.

and when he turned the corner, hands glowing red from the power and rage coursing through his veins, their shocked was evident.

he took twelve down in a series of quick shots, each one fatal, while the pack took down another eight.

the last five surround ron, who was passed out and bleeding profusely.

gene shot three before a blast of fire struck his hand, casting his gun to the ground.

one witch started emitting high pitched sounds from a spell she was casting that left the wolves in howling pain. 

gene signalled for them to leave and with a growling whimper snafu forced the pack out of the room.

the two that remained turned to gene and like most of his enemies, they always had to talk before they attempted to kill him. 

“eugene roe, we’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time.” a grey-haired man spoke up.

gene grabbed the knife from his back pocket and sliced his hand open, barely making a wince as he did it.

he’d never done blood magic, using his own, but his grandmother had always told him blood magic worked best when loved one’s were in danger. then she told him of the time he was four and she’d had to kill an old friend because they were trying to kill gene. she only told gene it worked and never told him how. he never dared to ask either.

“well, i’m here. mind gettin’ on with this?”

“you hear that clarice? he’s anxious to die.” the man look to the blonde witch beside him.

the blonde one, clarice, began cackling and gene groaned.

“the roe’s always did have a knack for a smart mouth, bartholomew. just like his grandmother. she’d always been a chatter.”

gene gripped his bleeding hand tightly, whispering under his breath the spell that his grandmother, perhaps the most important person in his life beside snafu and ron, had taught him in the dark of night. 

“what’re you muttering?” clarice asked, slightly nervous.

bartholomew just looked at gene with disdain.

“it’s not important, nothing he can do can save him or this devil’s bitch he loves.”

the man slapped ron and he woke with a start, coughing up blood, and staring at gene with nothing but love and pride in his eyes. it grounded gene and he focused more on the spell, nodding to ron imperceptibly.

ron could hear the whispers of an old, but powerful spell, and smiled, teeth red, and when he knew what gene was going to do, he joined in the casting. 

god, he couldn’t wait to kiss gene again. the man was a force to be reckoned with, and he loved ron, of all people, and ron promised that when they made it out, he’d spend the rest of his day making gene as happy as he could be.

gene could feel the love and adoration rolling off ron in waves.

neither realized that the witches were still talking.

“...little southern witch who hides behind his gun and has yet to show us any real power. maybe it’s all just talk. maybe he’s weak, just like the rest of his family. very well, let’s kill him and get it over with. he’s nothing, everyone underestimated his ability.”

bartholomew, pulled up his sleeves before saying, “and kill that muttering fool before i do it myself.”

clarice tried to move but gene had her in a vice grip, his power gripping her so hard she began to turn blue.

when bartholomew didn’t hear anything he looked behind him to clarice’s eye nearly bulging out of her sockets.

“w-what?”

gene’s hands were glowing black, rage and bloodlust and death coursing through him, eyes still locked with ron’s, both pairs as black as night.

“h-how?”

gene’s eyes left ron’s, regretfully, and locked onto the scared eyes of the witch in front of him.

he held up his hand that was bleeding and notice the exact moment bartholomew realized his mistake.

he underestimated gene’s powers, sure.

but more than that, he underestimated gene’s love for ron.

gene slammed his hand down hard on the ground and the entire earth shook with the force and magnitude of power that pulse out of gene and the spell in and into the ground.

the last two witches exploded into the mass of red, splattering into pieces around the room, covering gene and ron in more blood.

gene was panting from it all, could barely catching his breath.

he could faintly hear ron calling out to him, screaming his name, but he was too busy writhing in excruciating pain. it felt like his entire body was on fire, breaking apart and piecing itself back together. he was certain he was dying. he tried to cry out to ron, let him know that it was all worth it. his death was worth it all, if it meant ron lived.

then, as quickly as it started, it stop. and gene’s breathing calmed and slowed and his pain subsided into an easy pulse of power matching his heartbeat. 

the one thing he grandmother never told him was that when a witch kills another, especially with blood magic, all of their power is absorbed into the witch that lives. gene had just absorbed the powers of forty witches. 

ron was beggin at this point, “gene, please, for the love of god, open your goddamn eyes.”

gene smiled and turn his head lazily to the side, “is it okay for a demon to call out for the love of god and curse him in the same breath?”

ron laughed out of relief, and his breath shook. “don’t ever fucking do that again.”

gene groaned as he got up from the floor, noticing that all of his wounds had healed.

he snapped his fingers and the charmed binds holding him broke.

ron looked around him with shocked eyes before turning them on gene and gene cursed because ron’s eyes held such a power of gene, stronger than any magic. 

“is it bad that i’ve never been more attracted to you than when we’re both covered in the blood of people who tried to kill us?” ron smiled, mouth still red from the blood in his mouth.

gene pulled ron into his arms and wiped the blood away from his lips, “not at all. i can’t wait to do it again.”

ron groaned and as gene smiled, the demon kissed his fiercely. and gene felt complete. he felt whole. and he realized he wanted to feel like this, always, with ron in his arms.

when they pulled apart, hot and sticky with blood drying over their bodies, gene thought it was the perfect time to ask ron what he wanted to ask this morning.

he looked at ron who was picking a piece of jaw off his jacket with thinly veiled annoyance.

gene smiled bright, “marry me.”

ron turned to him in shock.

“eugene roe, please tell me you’re serious.”

gene nodded, barely able to contain his excitement.

“i’d love to.”

they met in a soft and sweet kiss, among the carnage and the death surrounding them. a beacon of light and love despite all the world threw at them to extinguish it.

when they pulled apart, ron asked in the most grave tone he’d ever heard, “can we have a church wedding?”

anonymous - THANK YOU THANK YOU. I’VE ALWAYS WANTED TO WRITE SOMETHING SOUTHERN GOTHIC. I HOPE YOU LIKE IT.

send me a pairing and an au and i’ll make an aesthetic post + ficlet 

[honeygrip]

Let it go.

 For a greater part of the last few years I had been miserable. For a myriad of reasons. My job made me miserable, my love life made me miserable; my finances, my relationships overall. Everything, it ALL contributed.

 To depression, to addictions, to abuse, to unhappiness, to mistrust, to misanthropy. All of that. I had so many expectations of what my life was suppose to look like by this point that I was angry and frustrated by the unexpected circumstances that were put before me. I was working so hard for all these things in my life that weren’t working for me.

I started to take stock in a lot of shit and studied my own actions and behaviors. Funny thing about being around- stuck with yourself- for 4 decades. After a while, if you’re paying attention to yourself for real- the patterns emerge.

I realized that I had approached life like a perpetual victim. Treating life as if everything was happening TO me instead of understanding that life was happening FOR me.

Adversity in life is not meant to make you a perpetual victim- it’s meant to make you a stronger person. If you are experiencing the same episodes of heartbreak, misfortune or drama- at some point you have to stop blaming those around you and start acknowledging that YOU are ultimately in control of YOURSELF.

If you feel you are being taken advantage of- ask YOURSELF why you keep allowing people to take advantage of you.

If you feel people are always disrespecting you or the boundaries you set for yourself- I’d ask you why you are allowing yourself to constantly interact with said people?

If it’s not making you happy or making you better, why work so hard to hold onto it?

 I’ve learned that a lot of us love drama because drama gives us something to do with ourselves. It gives us PURPOSE- and without purpose- who are we really?

Most of us believe we are nothing. And knowing that we are nothing- crushes our fragile egos. So we invent drama in order to help ourselves feel important- And that’s okay- if that’s your bag. But for me, I don’t want to be the nucleus of drama anymore. I’m tired of being exhausted by it and I’m tired of merely complaining about it. I don’t even want to be where the drama is.

I took stock in all the things in my life that were making me miserable and began to work on how I could change them.

I knew at the start of 2016 that I was at my wit’s end with my job. I knew that no matter how hard I worked there, I was never going to be really recognized for my efforts. I was tired of paying the “black tax”, tired of working in a nepotistic borderline racist environment. I was tired of living in fear that I couldn’t go out there and find a job that would at least leave me feeling more fulfilled. So I continued to work, because I had believed that was what I HAD to do. I was complacent there and complicit-and that was a dangerous combination.

Then one day- it all came to head; the moment I had fantasized about and prayed for and feared came: I got laid off. After 9 years of working at a job I absolutely HATED- I finally got escorted to a conference room, got handed a folder with a severance package that suddenly became the keys to my freedom. A moment I had dreamed of and prayed for- was suddenly my reality.

OH SHIT.

I had never been so scared in my life. But I was scared for the less obvious reasons. It wasn’t just the questions like: What was my next move going to be? It was: can I finally be happy?

I knew I wasn’t going to be able to last another year there but I wasn’t really ready to walk out at that moment. Or was I?

Ya know, I had never had a dream come true before and now that it had happened, I felt an awakening. I had finally had a dream fulfilled, yet I was too afraid to be grateful and too afraid to celebrate my victory.

This had been all I wanted but I couldn’t see the forest for the trees…

I plastered a “this is great” smile on my face and pretended to be happily unemployed for the first time in 9 years. I tried to stay upbeat, but it wasn’t long before anxiety set in and the truth is I was already exhausted from being miserably stuck at a job that had made me so unhappy in the first place.

I had let misery take up a permanent residency in my life. I didn’t know how to pack it up and move it out.

So, instead of enjoying my new-found freedom, I worried about going broke. Worried about having to go back to work in ANY environment. Worried about getting rusty. Worried about growing bored, growing despondent. Worried about giving up.

I was even afraid to burden my friends with the pressure.

I realized I was tired of complaining about the state of my life and more importantly, I was tired of never having a positive update.

I was desperately ready to change the narrative.

For the first time in my life, I had the opportunity to create a brand new reality. To start from scratch, I had time to rewrite everything.

I tried to change my perception. Change my energy. Change the people I interacted with. Limit my social media intake. Meditate. Focus on what I wanted out of my existence and what was positively working in my life.

I began to count each and every blessing and I slowly began to understand that I didn’t have to live in strife or struggle.

For more than 7 months I was blessed to be able to maintain my lifestyle, take care of myself and my children financially and never once “lost it” (all the things I feared) It was then that I realized that I truly did have the power to change what wasn’t working in my life. I got to do things that made me happy. I had the freedom to work on things that would work for me.

I realized that I didn’t have to be miserable but I also recognized that misery IS my comfort zone. It WAS so because it was consistent, it was predictable, I KNEW misery well. I knew pain. I knew depression. I knew struggle and I knew drama- so much so I let these things define me.

I thought about how often, we as black women feel we have to go through struggles to be defined. We’re told we have to go through some thangs in order to get to some sacred promised land. We’re told that we have do the necessary “work”.

We’re told that the struggle makes us “strong” and we (especially as black women) are often measured by our strength. This belief is the by-product of generational curses, passed down from our mommas and grandmommas. Somewhere along the lines, it became our “birthright”. It’s how we earn our stripes. It proves you’re tough, it validates a lot of us, but none of us have to own the patent on pain. None of us have to corner that market.

Do you know how many Beckys are out here living happily and not struggling? Not making shit harder on themselves that it has to be?

So why do we as WOC feel so compelled to be in the struggle and the drama that has become our day to day?

For a lot of us, anger is our go to emotional reaction to LIFE. Instead of admitting hurt or disappointment or fear- we get angry, and we use our anger as our conflict management style.

For some of us, It gives us definition, it gives a lot of us motivation, it gives a lot of us- purpose. It fuels our aggression and it’s corrupting us.

So I wanted to come here today and say: 

Girl. Whatever it is you are going through, please know- It’s okay to be happy. I want to stress that it’s okay to be vulnerable. It’s okay to make peace. It’s perfectly fine to forgive, let it hurt and then let it go and move on.

We don’t have to stay in a miserable situation, no matter how familiar it feels. No matter what our elders taught us by their examples. No matter how comfortable we are there, no matter how much we’ve been programmed to believe we deserve it or we must go through it or how much we’ve been told it’s apart of our makeup.

We don’t have to accept heartbreak, misfortune or drama as our norm. We don’t have to take perfectly normal situations and create chaos in order to make ourselves feel validated or important.

If anything in your life is not working- please remember that you can change your narrative. And you don’t have to use anger and destruction to do it. You don’t have to burn down all the bridges that surround you, you don’t have to give everyone a piece of your mind on your way out.

Sometimes you can just walk away with your peace of mind in tact.

Yes, it will be scary, yes it will be challenging but YES, you can change your approach. You don’t have to do it the same way, you don’t have to use the same tactics of pain, anger, resentment or pettiness. You don’t have to react the way you’ve always done.

You can walk away from anything that no longer serves you. THAT is your birthright. You don’t have to settle for maltreatment in any form as apart of your reality.  Not Toxic friends, negative energy, stagnant relationships or shitty jobs. You can abandon what you no longer need and not feel guilty or disloyal.

I know how hard it is to give up on certain beliefs, things or behaviors, I had a girlfriend who I watched go through the same argument with her then boyfriend for months. Whatever wasn’t working- wasn’t working and no matter how hard they loved, kissed and made up, lectured and broke down, I could see that it wasn’t making either one of them happy.

Whatever the breakdown in their relationship was- one thing that was apparent to me was that both of them were spending far too much energy trying to fix whatever it was that wasn’t working and that wasn’t happiness- that was work!

She said to me one day, “I keep telling him the same thing over and over and he just isn’t getting it”. And I told her- maybe YOU aren’t getting it.

She was stuck working to save a relationship that wasn’t working for her.

If it’s not working- maybe that’s because it doesn’t work, maybe it’s not meant to be, maybe it’s been what it was and now it’s not that anymore and it’s time to move on. But to invest in having the same argument for MONTHS sounds like misery.

I know too many women who are holding on to some sort of dysfunction because they are afraid of the “unknown” in letting it go. If it no longer serves you, and you walk away- it’s not a sign of failure. It’s a sign of bravery, a sign of strength and a sign of faith.

 You don’t have to be “stuck” wallowing…

When something stops working for you. Stop working for it.

Whatever it may be; Your shitty ass job (that you think you need), your unreciprocated relationships (that you think you can fix), or your negative ass attitude (that you think is cute).

If it’s not working for you, sis, Let it go.

Do not be afraid of the unknown. Do not be terrified to go it alone. Honor yourself enough to know what doesn’t work for you. Honor yourself enough to be determined to change what isn’t working, or what’s making you miserable- even if that is yourself…

Honor yourself enough to change your own narrative, and to work for what is working well for you.

 Because you deserve it. 

[introvertsguild]

0 Hours Remain (For Myself)

I heard the hard steps coming up the steel stairs. Not seeing any Omnics in sight, I let my guard down to turn my head and see my brother. He stood at the top of the stairs to adjust a pack of beer and cigarettes in his arms. I turned back and looked into the dark woods through my night vision scope as I heard him take a seat next to me.

August, my brother, and I, had been so good at sniping that we were chosen to watch the fort in Velos. Our make-shift leader chose us as soon as my brother and I took out more Omnics than most. I think his brain was a bit off. We were only lucky to shoot that many in a day.

“Spot any yet?”, August asked.

“No.. just a few birds and a stray cat”, I replied. Trying to keep my head still as I talked.

He popped open a beer can and took a swig. He bumped the can against my arm but I shook my head. He tsked.

“You haven’t eaten normally for like.. Weeks.. You gotta drink something, sis”

I didn’t want to eat. ‘Not yet’ I kept telling myself. I noticed this little voice in the back of my head was repeatedly telling me ‘not yet’ over and over again, each time I thought of food or drink. I shrugged it off but August kept bugging me.

“I managed to grab a joint off of Ge-”

“Gimme”, holding out a hand towards him while keeping my eye in the scope.

I could tell he was shaking his head. “Not until you drink or eat something.. Can’t keep shooting these damn robots if you die of starvation.”

I finally gave in and lowered my gun, turning sharply and snatched the can out of his hand before chugging down every drop. I dropped it to the ground then snatched that box of ‘cigarettes’. When I tried opening the tiny box, my hands shook. It was hard, but I finally managed to open it and grab that beautifully rolled joint into my hands.

My brother shook his head. I shrugged, annoyed at him for taunting my earlier. I patted my jacket and couldn’t find my lighter when August took his own out and lighted it for me. I inhaled like my life depended on it then inhaled the rest of smoke inside me.

One. Two. Three… three slow counts before letting out a cloud of smoke into the quiet night air.

Suddenly, without saying a word, August took his own rifle and aimed it at the wall of trees. My body stiffened, glancing back and forth between my brother and the trees. With one swift motion, I also aimed the rifle at the blackened forest, eye through the scope.

“What is it?”

“Thought I he-”

‘BOOM!’

“What the fuck!?”

“August!”

‘BOOM!’

In mere seconds, two explosions happened on either side of the base. Smoke billowing from the sections of the base. Crumbling as the roofs caved in and took unsuspecting lives. Yelling was heard as the crew began to discover the headquarters was becoming under attack by what I assumed was Omnics. August fired his rifle next to me, reeling me back into focus and beginning to see a dozen Omnics coming out of the woods, the lights in their heads glimmering in the night.

“Where the fuck, where did they come from!?”, August yelled.

I shook my head, aiming at a running Omnic and firing one clean through his mechanical head.

“I-I don’t know!”, I replied. They could have been hiding in the woods the whole time. Waiting for a moment let our guards down. Another shot through the chest of another Omnic wielding a gun.

They could have been waiting. Just waiting for us to let our guards down. Waiting, waiting, waiting.. Another shot.. Waiting and waiting and waiting..

As August and I began taking more Omnics down, more just kept running out of the woods. They never stopped and the smoke from the fire made its way toward us, as if to try and distract August and I from our duties. I wouldn’t allow it. Not while taking down two Omnics down at that single moment.

While we were sure we had the higher ground, a beeping was heard. August didn’t even notice it, he was too busy firing his rifle off. I heard it. It was getting louder, maybe even a bit faster. I ducked my head down below the covered railings of the roof top, looking around for the source of the noise. It was definitely louder now. As I looked up just in time to see a hand grenade behind the tarp covered crates had been thrown up onto our station of the roof, I grabbed August as tight and quickly as I could, ignoring his struggle.

“GRENADE!” I yelled, warning him just before the explosion hit. Everything went black.

Everything.

~

I lurched forward, sitting up in bed as I took a few deep breaths. Eyes wide, pupils blown as the vivid dream made me feel like I had just crashed into something. Grabbing my head, I rocked back and forth on the bed and began listing off names of my family, friends, my new Commander, the recruits.

“Thomas, McCree, Commander Reyes, Isaac, August, August, McCree, Grandmomma, Commander Reyes, Isaac-”

“Good morning, Abelha”

A unfamiliar, female robotic voice suddenly was talking to me. I shot my head up with my hands still latched onto it. Looking around the room I didn’t find any source of the noise. It became quiet again, the thing had interrupted my anxiety attack.

“Abelha, you seem to be having an anxiety attack.. Would you like me contact Dr. Zeigler?”

“W-What?”

“I could contact Dr. Zeigler for you to ensure that she helps you with your mental health.. Would you like me to do that for you?”

Maybe I was in a car crash and just didn’t know it through my sleep.

I had forgotten I was at Gibraltar.

I forgot I got recruited into Blackwatch.

I thought I was still back at home, back in Velos.

This AI system, ‘Athena’, was downloaded into Overwatch’s computers. She was their eyes and ears, a search engine, a software, hardware, anything the Overwatch team needed and she would be there to help them. She was also programmed to tend to Blackwatch as well, like what Commander Reyes had told me.

With a long sigh, I ran my hands through my hair and down my face. The AI still awaiting an answer, to either get that beautiful Doctor in here or not.

“N-No.. No, I’m fine, thank you”

“Then I will not contact her, but I will remind you that you have breakfast with your new team mates today at seven fifty and the time is now currently eight  ‘o clock”

“Holy shit!”, I jumped out of bed and began to dress myself immediately. Tugging the white shirt, black pants on my body. Subconsciously, I grabbed at my phone but remembered that recruits didn’t get phones in training. “Hey, A-Athena, is Commander Reyes waiting for us or..?”

“Commander Reyes is currently with Commander Morrison. He is waiting for everyone to be at training range once they are done eating. I suggest you hurry, Abelha.”

My front door slid open as I let the cool air surround me. It was strange to talk with an AI, and a passive aggressive one at that. Maybe she was programmed like that for a reason.

I began jogging down the hallway, my stomach beginning to growl. As I rounded the corner, the door slid open and I felt myself shiver. The brisk morning air caught me immediately.

I found the doors to the mess hall open and saw the other men sitting there; All talking and laughing, someone threw a piece of food at another. I was out of breath already and found some of the men had noticed my appearance, McCree was the first to notice and waved at me.

“Hey, darlin’! Come over here and get some grub!”

“Nah, sorry, it’s all been taken!”

“Shut up, Thomas!”, McCree playfully shot a glare at Thomas with a smile and beckoned me over til I finally had the sense to do so. He pulled out a chair for me, his white teeth shining. “Here ya go! Now, how does baked potatoes sound?”.

“Oh, uh.. Fine! Yeah, sounds great!”, the smell of the good food was abundant and profound. It did me some good, finally waking me up as a plate was set in front of me. McCree patted my back, handing me a fork.

“I managed to save you a plate before anyone else managed to get second helpings, SOME people don’t understand consideration ‘round here!”, he taunted Isaac with a glare as I grabbed the fork and began poking holes into the potatoes, letting two get on my fork before devouring them hungrily.

Isaac shrugged before another guy, Raborn, wrapped an arm around Isaac and pointed at me.

“Commander Reyes said we needed to be at breakfast by seven fifty, SHARP, we shouldn’t have to give slackers anything!”, he mocked me with a shit-eating grin. I glared back, my mouth too full to respond with something witty. I was so glad that Commander Reyes wasn’t there to yell at me, it’s not what I needed this early in the morning.

While Isaac and Raborn laughed at each other over a joke, McCree took a sip of his coffee.

He wore a cowboy hat with some shell casings decorating the loop that was wrapped around the wide part. Next, he wore a red bandana that looked like it had been places with a few tore edges and dirt smudged into it.

I never noticed until this morning that McCree was dressed like a cowboy. His whole demeanor and get-up screamed ‘cowboy’ and I just didn’t notice it at all, not even during last night’s dinner.

He must have noticed me staring, ‘cause he turned to face me with his coffee mug in hand.

“See somethin’ ya like?”

I would have stabbed myself in the cheek just keep me from blushing a little bit. I glanced away then shrugged, swallowing my food. “I just never noticed the get up before now.. I like the bandana”

“Well thank you kindly, madame-”

“Abelha”, I corrected him firmly.

He grinned, “Well, thank you kindly, Abelha”, then tipped his hat. In the meantime, we continued eating our breakfast, all the while I was ignoring the glare that came from one particular team mate. It made me nervous, he wouldn’t look away. I actually never got his name but I didn’t want to start asking if he was going to keep glaring at me. McCree didn’t seem to notice, he was enjoying his own cut potatoes.

~

“ATTENTION!”

We snapped into formation. Formed in a line, one by one in front of Commander Reyes who’s scowling face took one look at us all as he walked down the line, starting with Isaac, then Thomas, to McCree, Raborn, the guy with no name and finally back down to me. He stopped right in front of me, glaring at me with his hard, firm brown eyes. They had seen some battles and hardened the color.

“Today you will be doing basic training!”, his eyes left me as he turned to begin walking back up the line, “You will complete this course when you get it right! Understand!?”

“Yes, sir!”, all five voices in unison. Though a couple had cracked, mine especially.

“What was that!?”

“YES, SIR!”

If my back was anymore arched it would stiffen me up for the rest of my life. I didn’t know anything about military training, formations, standing, sitting, the whole nine yards. I had known that military soldiers always looked stiff as a board and were harder than nails. Commander Reyes was no exception.

Commander Reyes explained how we were going to go from the monkey bars, then down to the wall with no ledges or rocks to grab ahold of. How were we supposed to climb it? He then explained about something that looked like it was covered in barbed wire with mud at the bottom to crawl through. Then finally big, fat tires were laid down in front of the muddy, barbed wire mess and told us we’d be running through those.

As I listened I didn’t see him coming back down the line, his piercing eyes aimed at me. He leaned in forward suddenly, an angry bull snorting down at a defenseless chihuahua. I jumped as he yelled in my face, “Got that!?”

“Y-Yes, sir!”

“What!? Are you stuttering already!?”

“No, sir! Sorry, sir!”, I swore Thomas had a smirk on his face.

“Hmph!”, he then marched back down, pointing to McCree, “You’re up first, McCree!”

“Aye, sir!”

That’s when McCree sprang into action. He ran for those monkey bars like his life depended on it, like he was born to do it. The cowboy swung from one bar all the way to the next, jump down and running for the wall. I was amazed to see how he ran up the wall so quickly, grabbing onto the ledge and pulling himself over it with ease.

By the time he was done, I was near shitting myself. I questioned how the fuck I was going to be able to run, climb and vault over that wall the same way McCree had. I glanced at the other men standing there, watching McCree in amazement. The inspiration in their eyes, ready to perform the task just as swiftly as the cowboy did.

When I glanced to Commander Reyes, his face was expressionless. He didn’t clap, he didn’t cheer, he simply shrugged and scowled at McCree. “You slipped on the wall jump, McCree! Don’t let me see that again!”, he barked. McCree simply nodded, “Aye, sir!”, he replied before getting back in line.

He pointed to Isaac and ordered the same thing. Isaac was no different, completing the course just as quickly as McCree had. Isaac was buff enough that he could probably stop a moving car with both his hands. Maybe I was exaggerating, but the build on that guy had me betting. Isaac stormed through the course, his sweaty muscles shining in the sunlight that hung in the sky above us.

Commander Reyes ordered Raborn, then Thomas, then the mystery team mate and finally..  

To me.

“You’re up, Abelha! Move!”

My body froze. Hands shaking to a tremble as the Commander stormed up to me when I didn’t move. He glared at me, snarling his teeth.

“I said MOVE, pendejo! Are you gonna sit there waiting for me to give ya a bottle!?”

I had to snap back and focus. My head turning around from my Commanding Officer to run as quickly as I could to those monkey bars. He kept yelling at me, but I didn’t process it. He threw insults at me when I fell from the bars, when I was having trouble getting out of the mud due to the wire sticking to my hair. He just kept going, never ending and I thought he was going to make me stop when I reached the wall.

I was tired. I was sweating. My chest heaving, the heart ready to jump out of my throat. I couldn’t believe I was still alive after that.

“What are you waiting for, maggot!? Climb that fucking wall!”

The edges of my vision blurred and I wanted to throw up. No, I wanted to throw up and curl into a ball from the embarrassing performance I just made while all of my teammates watched. I looked up at the wall, it’s intimidation levels high as I made a running start to try and succeed as much as my teammates did.

Fourth time I tried climbing up the damn thing and still couldn’t reach the top. My hands and feet becoming pudding, nails scraped off and filled with splinters. I groaned, gritting my teeth to try another attempt at the wall.

“Stop!”

I did indeed, stop. I lowered my head and knew I had disappointed the one person who had freed me from prison and it’s hell. He was angry, I could tell and my teammates, probably except one, we’re pleased to see me fail. I turned around, watching Commander Reyes come forth and glare at me once more.

“Get. Back. In. Line”, he hissed. Radiating anger off of his body.

I did just that. The waterworks ready to come undone at the thought of thinking this man was going to send me to jail for failing the course. I did fail. I didn’t complete it. I didn’t do anything he was expecting. I was an out of shape loser who only did the scientific research and created deadly weapons for an unknown gang that killed people. Weak people, like me.

Commander Reyes said nothing else to me but continued talking. I had to keep my head up and watch his every move from, one, crying - and two, not giving him another chance to yell at me again for standing wrong. No one else paid any attention to me. Not even Thomas or Isaac. Not even McCree.

I was terrified. What was I going to do? Beg? Beg for my life to not be sent to jail for failing the course? How was I going to get out of this situation?

Commander Reyes released us, storming off out of the training range. I was still frozen to my post, eyes unblinking. When I felt a hand rest on my shoulder, I jumped. McCree released his hand immediately, walking in front of me. A look of concern spread across his face.

“Hey, Abelha, you alright?”

I nodded but felt like the wind had been knocked out of me. I was shaking still, eyes beginning to water but I bit my lip, not wanting to cry in front of all these men. McCree nodded back, walking away and calling out to the other gentlemen, luring them away from my broken state.

It wasn’t until the boys had left that I decided to try and go for the monkey bars again, only falling as I couldn’t keep my weight up off the ground. A tire caught my foot, making me trip and nearly break my nose. The wire nearly cutting my forehead as I attempted that part of the course as well.

It was the same thing like first attempt. I had gotten no where, especially with the damn wall. I glared at it as if it was my worst enemy and realized that glaring at an inanimate object wasn’t going to do anything useful. Tears had streamed down my face at some point, causing my eyes to sting. I rubbed my mud-crusted fingers on my temples, sitting down against the wall facing the course. I sat there for a long time, finally coming to the realization that this was my last day here at Gibraltar.

I had to pack my bags and leave for prison.

[homosociallyyours]

4 & 8 for the 3 songs thing :)

OOPS i just saw this!! dang it!! Sorry I’m answering so late! But I didn’t wanna leave it bc these are fun :) 

4)  three songs that you know thanks to your parents: OK, this is hard because I grew up listening to the oldies station because I loved it, so it’s kinda hard to separate out the songs I heard there from the songs that I heard because of my parents. BUT. Here are some songs I specifically associate with them: Draggin’ the Line: I have a very distinct memory of driving along in my dad’s truck, sitting in the middle of the bench seat and shifting the gears for him as he told us that the repeated “draggin the line” sounded just like his voice. And then he’d sing the part right along, and it really did! When I hear it now I always think of my dad singing it. If: My parents won all of Bread’s albums off of an Atlanta radio station sometime between 1972-1976, and I remember listening to them sometimes on the record player we had. Or at the very least I know we did, and then I remember looking through them when I was a bit older and thinking: YEAH MAN, I really like Bread. Wild World: My mom and my grandmother loved Cat Stevens. When I was maybe 5 or 6 I remember being curled up at my Grandmomma’s side listening to a cassette tape of Tea for the Tillerman. The details are fuzzy, but I remember being small and cozy and hearing the songs. But this song in particular was a favorite of my mom’s, and she’d sing along with it very pointedly in the car. She worried constantly. It is the thing I remember about her most. And this song was a good encapsulation of her worries every time: “Oh baby, baby it’s a wild world/I’ll always remember you like a child, girl.” 

8)  three songs that remind you most of summer and vacationHARD! OMG! I’m gonna go from all over my life, I guess. Lady in Red: I was always a weird kid, ok? At 6 years old I would stand on the tables at my local Hardee’s after swim meets and sing songs. I definitely sang “Bad Boys” and mayyybe “Nasty Boys” but I also sang...this??? Sometimes I look back at how queer I was as a small person and wish I’d had older queer ppl in my life to help me out. You Oughta Know: I’m 15 and I’ve just joined a new swim team after years of swimming on a different one with my BFF. My longest ever crush was on the new team and I felt like such a fucking NERD. I remember loving this song and talking about it with some of the girls on the team, trying to feel cool enough to maybe pretend I could catch the interest of this guy (and failing, unsurprisingly). Regardless, it’s summer and chlorine and I wish I knew what it was like to be that angry. No Man’s Woman: I’m 20 and on the edge of knowing I’m gay. I have a mix tape that I blast inside my car as I drive around Chattanooga that has this song and Try A Little Tenderness and Raspberry Swirl. The car doesn’t have AC and the windows are always down and I’m so close to stepping into the next part of my life but I don’t know it yet. 

Once again THANK YOU for these!!! There’s more here if anyone wants to send some or rb the post for themselves.