#remember that article you couldn't read because it was in german stating that 93% of all university positions are timely limited?

[painterofhorizons]

(Lowkey desperate) work ramble ahead

Recently, I heard from two former colleagues of mine from master studies times that they got not timely limited jobs in our field in our region (aka things that theoretically don’t even exist in our field but obviously nevertheless do). And while I am glad for them, it also makes me feel even more desperate, sitting on my limited part time job position that runs out next year, knowing I don’t have what it takes to be fully competetive in my field (aka regional flexibility, willingness to work myself up to burnout while being on a shitty payment level on part time, luck for fucks sake and a finished PhD, because lets be honest, I’m not going anywhere with my project). Part of me is like: the circumstances in my fiel are SO shitty that I don’t want to stay in it anyways, while other part is: I really love my field. I love my work (most of it). Given a job with an actual perspective (aka not limited for some months not knowing where and what to do next) I might find myself happy in it. While the other part of me is manically looking for anything else to do, a completely different field as long as it is secure.

But like, lets be honest: I am envious as fuck on my former colleagues. They got jobs I would have done shit for, in our region and not timely limited (aka the impossible jobs). While, imposter syndrome aside, my CV is pretty impressive as well compared to the majority of other people graduating in my field. And what I hate most is that it is all so competetive. I don’t want to sit here envy them while they clearly deserve the jobs they got and are highly qualified for them (but so am I), all while I have a job where probably many other graduates envy me for. Welcome to hell. Why didn’t I do “something real” and chose to become a historian instead (oh, right, because I am very passionate for that. But obviously not passionate enough.)

I don’t even know what my point is. I both hate and love my field and I don’t know where to put myself in that love hate relationship. If just the circumstances were better.

Imagine another cut here:

and then there is that little voice in my head telling me: if you just tried harder. You could do better. Do more. Work on your PhD in your free time just like everybody else. Then you would be competetive. Then you would also get those jobs (maybe). While the rational part of my brain is: fuck the fuck off. I am paid part time for part time work and in the rest of the time I have a second job to make money because bills and stuff and I fucking do not accept to be part of this toxic system willingly putting myself under it (aka the usual get-paid-part-time but still work 40-60h/week just because everyone else does it). Nothing will change if no one ever speaks up, also when I did that a cuple of years it got me burned out and majorly depressed and I do not want that again. Being paid part time with a part time contract? Great: more time for second job and/or hobbies as long as bills are paid.

It’s - I really really hate the system. I love my field/job, but the system sucks SO much. Really. And I wait for the day when I know what to do with that realization. (most likely aka the day my current job contract runs out again and I have to decide how to pay bills)

Just fuck it. All of it.

Now I’ll go continue working for my second job that also is just a half a year job but at least very well paid.

If anyone made it through to here: honestly thanks for listening. Thank you. It means a lot. Thank you.