#rejection sensitivity and being lied to are HUGE factors here

[shatteredfears-arch]

sometimes i see non autistics write headcanons abt what probably went on in an autistic char they arent writings head and i just ‘yeah, yeah you have no idea how autistics think at all lol’ like yes its a spectrum, yes we’re all different, and youre still managing to pretend we’re neurotypical like—

[relbyshock]

Amy Winehouse, Princess Diana, Britney Spears, Marilyn Monroe, Aileen Wuornos, Angelina Jolie, Adolf Hitler, Darrell Hammond, Pete Davidson, Winona Ryder, Vincent Van Gogh, Tommy Tiernan….

What do they all have in common? Apart from being famous figures, they all suffer(ed) or were rumored to have suffered from Borderline Personality Disorder.

Hey, me too.

I’m over the moon to have something in common with Princess Di (apart from our shared plight with bulimia), but I have to say, I’d rather not have anything in common with Aileen or Adolf…..

Borderline Personality Disorder is a confusing term to say the least. On the borderline of what and what? Well, in the ‘30s, it meant you fell somewhere between psychosis (untreatable) and neurosis (treatable).

Great, that’s reassuring.

Come the ‘70s, BPD sufferers were described as being very emotional, needy, difficult, at risk for suicide, and to have an “overall unstable level of functioning”.

Check. *sings “Welcome to My Life” by Simple Plan*

We also have rapidly fluctuating mood swings, unstable self-image, and a fear of abandonment. This disorder wasn’t even recognized by the DSM (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders) until 1980.

Today, we know far more about BPD – “neurosis” is no longer used in the diagnosis, and BPD is no longer considered a psychotic disorder.

 So what are we then?

Crazy?

Hormonal?

According to my family, yes. But in reality, the problem lies within our brains. Let me nerd out here for a minute:

The Amygdala (Ah-mig-dah-lah) is composed of two almond-shaped parts of the brain, deep in the medial temporal lobe, that regulate fear and aggression. People with BPD have amygdala’s that are noticeably smaller than that of a healthy person. The smaller the amygdala, the more overactive it is.

Like short guys with bad attitudes, or what I like to refer to as “little man syndrome”.

And then we have the Hippocampus – no, not pachyderm college. The hippocampus is responsible for spatial orientation (not falling over), long and short-term memory, and emotional regulation. Put simply, the hippocampus chooses the correct response to environmental events: Fight or flight.

You may be wondering if I was dropped on my head as a child. The answer is yes – frequently – but the chances of minor brain trauma causing BPD are slim.

The causes of Borderline Personality Disorder are unclear. It seems to involve genetic, brain, environmental and social factors. There are rumours that people with BPD have issues with serotonin production, which has been linked to depression, aggression and having a hard time controlling “destructive urges”.

As for environmental factors, those who have been a victim of emotional/physical/sexual abuse, as well as being exposed to chronic fear or distress as a child have a high likelihood of developing BPD. This is because our relationship with our parents and family has a HUGE influence on how we see the world, and how we feel about other people.

Gals are also diagnosed 3 times as often as guys. You’ve gotta wonder if that’s due to the fact that men tend to be more weary of the doctor, therefore avoiding a diagnosis altogether. This is pure speculation.

Shall we take a dive into the “Signs and Symptoms” as listed by Wikipedia?

-Markedly disturbed sense of identity

-Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment and extreme reactions

-Splitting (black and white thinking)

-Impulsivity

-Intense and uncontrollable emotional reactions that often seem disproportionate to the event or situation

-Unstable and chaotic interpersonal relationships

-Self-damaging behavior (ie, substance abuse)

-Distorted self-image

-Dissociation

-Frequently accompanied by depression, anxiety, anger, substance abuse or rage

We are also aware of the intensity of our negative emotional reactions, and since we can’t regulate them, we shut them down completely. What my doctor and I refer to as feeling “flat”.

BPD sufferers are also extremely sensitive to real or perceived rejection. Let’s explain with a meme, shall we:

*looking at an unanswered text from 12 minutes ago*

You: They must be in the shower or just busy, they’ll respond when they have a chance.

Me: Ok well they were active on Instagram 6 minutes ago and they just posted a snap story….they’re ignoring me, why do they hate me? What did I do? Are they mad at me? Should I send another text to get their attention or is that too needy?

If you’re annoyed just reading that, TRY LIVING IN MY BRAIN.

I annoy myself.

I feel grief, overwhelming shame and humiliation where others would feel mildly embarrassed. A minor inconvenience such as cancelled plans takes me from excited to absolutely miserable.

In the past, an unflattering photo on Facebook has caused me to reevaluate my self-worth, and even my life.

The Sickboy podcast explained it beautifully: Borderline Personality Disorder is like having a third degree burn on your emotions. I feel that. Everything hurts me just a little bit more than the average bear (or human).

Why am I telling you this? Because boys and girls, today is Bell Let’s Talk Day here in Canada. I’ll include the link at the bottom. Basically, in 2010, Bell began a new conversation about Canada’s mental health. They’ve enlisted such figures as Howie Mandel, Michael Landsberg, and Clara Hughes to share their stories of struggle and strength in the face of mental health.

I thought today was as good as any other to address the stigma surrounding mental health, but more specifically, the stigma around BPD.

I can’t pretend to know all the answers – I’m not and won’t pretend to be a psychiatrist. But this is what the world looks like through my lens.

If someone honks at me while I’m driving to work, I’m upset ALL DAY. I never want to drive again, I want to pull over and cry, or turn around and go home.

If I get a moderately rude email, my brain fills with cutting, angry, and just plain mean remarks to respond with. “I’m sorry your father never hugged you as a child” is not a suitable response to a professional email, but that’s where my brain goes.

When I make plans with friends weeks in advance and they bail 10 minutes before, I am a heap of inconsolable sobs for the rest of the evening, and even into the next day. This plays into the fear of “real or imagined abandonment”. My BPD brain does not care that something came up or you’re feeling under the weather. BPD tells me that you hate me and you never want to see me again and you were just pretending to like me this whole time and you’ve finally made your escape. My logical brain tries to tell me that it’s ok, and we’ll plan something for another time, but usually, my BPD brain wins the fight.

When I get nervous and start to ramble trying to tell a story and my mom cuts me off with “Anyways.” I want to crawl in a hole and die, but I also sort of want to throw a plate at her face. My mother is a saint, so why do I feel this way about her sometimes?

Let’s get back to the causes of Borderline Personality Disorder. Dad, Mom, maybe stop reading here…or don’t…but here’s your warning. You aren’t going to like this next part.

I was severely neglected as a child. Not physically – I had food to eat, clothes to wear, a roof over my head – but emotionally and mentally. The minor relationship I did have with my father was marked by him coming home from a long shift (as a firefighter) and starting a fight with me about my weight, my shoes at the front door, my marks in school, and more often than not, “why are you always crying?!”. My mom also worked full time at a stressful sales job. So by the time she got home, she didn’t want to have to deal with anyone else’s issues.

So when I would have issues with anything from being bullied at school to just having a ‘bad mental health day’, I had nowhere to turn.

See, my brother and I were latch-key kids. We got home from school at least an hour before my parents got home from work. He and I never got along, so some sort of fight would ensue, and by the time our parents got home, he had made me cry. I was deemed dramatic and sent away to my bedroom, while the 3 of them would eat dinner together (usually something I refused to eat – like meat – which would be another reason to fight).

I’ve voiced this to my mom before, and she remembers my childhood very differently than I do.

As long as I have been alive, I have come second to my brother.

No, honey, we can’t go to (insert activity I wanted to do) because Maxx has hockey/a book report due/needs a ride to the bike track, etc.

Every dinner or event we went to was with HIS friends and THEIR parents, who ended up becoming my parents’ best friends (still to this day). I was always the only girl; so naturally, I stayed with the adults, because the boys wouldn’t have me.

But the adults didn’t want me there either. I felt like a constant annoyance.

Thinking back on it, I realize that I may not have been as unwanted as I perceived myself to be. Remember, BPD brains are sensitive to even slight facial expressions and tones of voice. But, when I voiced this to my parents, that I felt unwanted, and why couldn’t we do things with my friends and their parents, etc. I was told that I was being ridiculous.

Enter: Invalidation

Invalidation is the number one cause of BPD, according to my psychiatrist. Growing up in an environment where nothing you do is good enough will cause you to internalize everything.

I have no memories or examples of healthy emotional behaviour or relationships. In our house, we got the point across by screaming at or just plain ignoring each other. So when I get hurt, or I feel let down, I have absolutely no idea how to deal with my feelings. Further reinforcing my belief that the world is full of bad people who are out to ruin your day and be unkind, because that’s all I’ve ever known.

Research shows that if you already experience these difficulties as a child, experiencing trauma as an adult could make things worse.

Dad - now is really the time to stop reading.

(Sometimes I feel like I live inside the DSM definition of BPD)

At the age of 21 – fresh out of college and trying to start my career in the fashion world – I was sexually assaulted. Cue the downward spiral.

I didn’t report. I didn’t seek help. I confided in a close friend, and was called a liar. But that’s a story for another time.

So I buried that part of me so deep, that sometimes I could convince myself that it never happened. Sometimes.

I reached the end of my rope in 2016. I knew that if I didn’t seek help, I would not survive. I finally went to my doctor and spent hours with her, just sobbing and telling her everything.

She hooked me up with a psychiatrist, and put me in Dialectical Behavioural Therapy, and started me on an SSRI (anti-depressant) immediately.

As of today, it has been 1172 days since the assault. I only told my mother this past summer.

Since reaching out for help, I have begun to repair the relationship with my parents. My mom and I are closer than ever, and my dad and I are working on it.

As I write this, I feel the judgements pouring in. But I have decided that this year, I don’t care. I am not ashamed of my story. I will no longer hide the things I have been through in order to make others more comfortable. I will not keep my pain to myself because it’s easier for others if I stay silent. If bearing my soul can help even one person seek the help they need, then I have succeeded, and all this pain has been worth it.

The long and short of it is SPEAK UP! There is nothing embarrassing about mental illness. If you aren’t feeling right, there are people who care and are here to help you, including me. The first step is to tell someone.

The best advice I can give is to find your people. People who trust you, who lift you up, who validate your feelings, who listen and take you seriously when you say you’re having a bad day. I have spent the past year painstakingly building my support system, because the truth of the matter is, I can’t do this alone. And that’s ok.

Today and every single day, be kind to each other – it’s the only thing that matters.

https://letstalk.bell.ca/en/bell-lets-talk-day

[2018weekinreview]

January - April 2018

The Reckoning:

The end of 2017 marked the beginnings of a massive cultural and political revolution with women speaking out about sexual harassment in the workplace. In December, everything seemed to come to a head when Donald Trump (a man with his own litany of accusers) went all in on his support of Alabama Congressional candidate, Roy Moore, who had been accused by multiple women, including a 14-year-old, of sexual misconduct. This is a guy Trump didn’t endorse until AFTER the sexual allegations emerged, mind you.

As Democrats tried to be principled on the issue, Congressmen began stepping down (including Al Franken) due to pressure over allegations of their own. Before then, as more and more icons of the entertainment world were toppled, it became more glaringly obvious that the zero-shame partisan world of politics wasn’t holding itself to the same standards.      

Thankfully, in the end Doug Jones squeaked out a win in the election - a Democrat won in deep red Alabama for the first time since 1992 - and nobody in Congress had to deal with the full-blown shame of a Roy Moore in Washington. By the way, Jones’ win was mostly attributed to black voters and more specifically, the 98% of black female who voted for Jones in an election that had a higher black turnout than Obama’s last election in 2012.  

The Moore candidacy and loss were the source of a lot of wackiness as well as an escalation of the GOP civil war between establishment figures and populist outsiders. But in reality, Republicans obviously dodged a huge bullet by Moore losing.        

January 21: Shutdown.      

Trump had his physical. He came back perfect and healthy with no cognitive issues or dentures. Nobody is buying the report (Girthers) and Trump apparently grew an inch taller to avoid being labeled obese. And the mental exam he took (for memory loss and dementia) is hilariously easy.

February 11: A White House in Chaos.

Trump aid, Rob Porter, had to resign due to spousal abuse allegations by two of his ex-wifes (with photos included). Not surprisingly, Trump defended and praised Porter. Possibly because it was written by Porter’s girlfriend, Hope Hicks. Seriously. Which is pretty much par for the course, since he has a history of dismissing allegations against men (Bill O’Reilly, Roy Moore, ahem, Himself). But the part that caused the most problems for the Trump White House is that Porter couldn’t get an FBI clearance because of the allegations.    

Donald Trump wants a military parade. Nobody else does. Even Fox & Friends said it was a waste of money.

Everyone loves the clip of Trump’s hair blowing open as he boarded Air Force One. 

February 25: Is It Different This Time?    

Black Panther continued breaking box office records.  

Trump made a surprise announcement on tariffs, against the advice of all of his advisors. Like, he did it out of frustration. And it could also cause a trade war, which Trump says are good and easy to win (they’re not).  

China is making Xi Jinping in charge for life. Trump joked he’d like to do the same here.    

March 11: Trump Alone Can Fix This?

Trump signed his tariffs on steel and aluminum. That caught everyone off guard as well. So he’s potentially starting a trade war against the wishes of his own advisors and his own party. The guy from the EU said it was stupid and said they’d put a tariff on bourbon, blue jeans and Harley Davidsons. But Wilbur Ross made the rounds holding up soup cans. It looks more and more like Trump is his own strategist and communications director and negotiator. He’s tired of being reigned in and is ignoring advice. So I guess he really goes think he alone can fix things.

Teachers in West Virginia went on strike.          

April: 

Trump also wants to slap $100 billion more in tariffs on China, which could cause a trade war and is already fucking with the stock market.

This week’s scandals are led by Scott Pruitt of the EPA. Who pretty much seems like he’s there just to dismantle the EPA and take as much free fancy shit as possible. Like, the number of his ethics scandals is bananas. And Pruitt probably wouldn’t be able to keep his job if Democrats and the press didn’t hate him so much. So for now, Trump is standing by him. I mean, he’s also trying to fuck the environment, which should be the bigger story. But there’s also all the corruption, fraud and waste. Jesus Christ, this administration.      

Remember when Trump kept saying that you should never telegraph your moves to the enemy on the battlefield? Anyway, Trump said we were leaving Syria last week. Even though our military leaders say we’re not. If we leave, that’s good news for Russia, Iran and/or ISIS. Which is bad for Israel. Plus, there was a chemical attack there this week. And Trump is kind of expected to retaliate. And he is tweeting about it. So maybe you can’t just say dumb shit all the time and have there be no consequences. Especially if the situation is too complicated for you to understand. Who knows? Nobody can really follow what Trump is doing at any given time.      

Two years ago, the Boston Globe ran a fake cover with Trump as president that pretty much became true.

Teachers in red states, like Oklahoma and Arizona are revolting over their pay. Which is not a good sign for Republicans.  

Roseanne came back with big ratings. And since she supports Trump, he’s thrilled about it. The show got the highest ratings in the middle of the country, so people are asking if there’s a coastal disconnect with those oft-discussed white working class Trump voters. I dunno. Maybe we’re overthinking things. The show was huge in the 90′s and I’m sure there was a curiosity factor.            

On Friday, we bombed Syria in response to Assad’s chemical attacks on his own people. Or to run distraction from all the bullshit Trump is facing at home. It’s hard to tell since most of Trump’s attention seems to be on things that affect him. But Trump called the chemical attacks the crimes of a monster. And now he’s proudly declaring mission accomplished. So does Trump even have a strategy? Did the limited strikes do anything? Why did we do this if it doesn’t do anything and we don’t have a strategy? All of this obviously came a week after Trump was declaring we were leaving Syria. It’s also in stark opposition to the America First foreign policy he talked about during the campaign. But since Trump’s usual strategy is just to get to tomorrow, this could just as suspicious as his critics think it is.  

Two black men were arrested at a Starbucks in Philadelphia. They asked to use the bathroom and were turned down because they hadn’t bought anything. When the men refused to leave, an employee called 911. So this was yet another example that our country’s racial problems are far from over. Starbucks responded by closing for a day for racial sensitivity training. Hey, at least they’re is doing something and not just denying racism exists. A lot of places, including the White House, could use that type of sensitivity training. The whole ordeal delves into all of our problems with class and education and we’re usually too distracted by Trump’s melodrama to care about it.  

Beyonce was apparently amazing at Coachella.

Trump called into Fox & Friends and gave an insane, rambling interview. And their faces are fucking hilarious because they know he looks stupid. Like, they had to end the call with him the same way they would an insane person. Yeah, he rambled about Kanye. And it’s funny he didn’t get Melania anything for her birthday. Other people are alarmed at how casually Trump lies and how normalized that has become. The truth should matter. But Trump has learned that there are no consequences for anything.  

Bill Cosby was found guilty on all charges. He could face 30 years in prison.       

Barbara Bush passed away this week. So the funeral pic with all the former Presidents is a thing. Maybe it represents the civility we lost in the Trump era. Or the political dynasties we rejected. Or we said that about Nancy Reagan too.