#reiner: shit fuck shit i'm gay and shit fuck shit i feel a lot of things

[armoredone]

Delighted that Porco didn't reject the coffee gesture, Reiner considered it a win and a remedy for his earlier despondent mask. He couldn't quite grasp why such a small matter made him feel lighter, but it did, and the smile that was present on his face seemed all the more genuine, not forced, those were rare these days. Only made more real by the memory of Zeke's complete blunder, the night had been as awful as any other fundraising event where women hounded him and touched him and whispered such sweet things in his ears. He played along, he always did, it was clear that it was his duty to Marley, but nothing ever did break through the falsified performance he endured.

Women didn't interest him, they never had, and the one outlier had been a confusing spectacle. Christa had been beautiful, kind, helpful, everyone liked her, it was only natural for him to like her as well . . . Reiner still wondered which parts of that infatuation were real and which parts were him losing his fucking mind? It was one of the many things he lamented about during his time alone. His attraction to Christa . . . no, Historia seemed so far gone now, replaced with the despair of his actions and his mourning for Ymir who rightfully had never been a friend, but someone he respected. Porco's admission over marriage about love only reminded him of Ymir, her love for Historia was raw, genuine, the type of love he knew he was capable of deep down, but never allowed himself to grasp, it never saw the light, pushed away until it was too late.

Left behind to die in Paradis.

Now? Now he sat with Porco and he felt that same feeling, his heart races, his cheeks flush, and he finds himself stunned. He should make a snarky joke, pull from that fire that still somehow wasn't snuffed out inside him, the same big mouthed boy he once had been when it comes to Porco and yet . . . his response is delicate. " I wouldn't break your confidence . . . I promise. Besides, I agree with you. " Reiner had spent years seeing happy married couples, Eldians with nothing and no chance at a future yet they had a love they shared. It was never within his mother, but he saw it in others, he saw it on Paradis. Mikasa's devotion to Eren, Ymir with Historia, shit he even saw it with the random people he met on the streets. It was the love he wanted, the love he felt, it was the only thing he wanted to bring to a marriage. The desire to want and be wanted in return, devotion and trust and the comfort of holding hands or holding one another. Fuck, did Reiner want that.

He certainly didn't deserve it.

Karina Braun would not understand the Armored Titan wanting a man, and Marley wouldn't exactly be too thrilled that their beloved and rugged bachelor would be off the market and with a man at that and thus . . . he needed to snuff out the feelings before he was drawn in too deep. Of course Porco had to go and jest about it and compliment him and once more Reiner struggles with conflicting thoughts, cheeks newly ablaze in a deeper scarlet that reaches the tips of his ears and his smile dropping from his face.

When was the last time someone told him he deserved better? That he wasn't an unreliable fuck up? His eyes were misty immediately and his heart was beating on his sleeve, they were on shaky ground.

He should joke, make fun of Porco for how romantic that sounded, make it seem like sarcasm, but he couldn't, not when he was envisioning it not being a joke. Not when all he wanted was to hold Porco and maybe feel like he wasn't so alone for once, maybe allow himself to feel something other than this unending guilt. He couldn't be so bad if it meant he could care for someone as much as he did for his fellow Warrior? To marry someone so brave and good? To kiss someone and have them kiss him back?

" You would make a great groom actually. Not just because it'd piss off my mom, but because you're so protective. I see it when we're with the candidates. Anyone who cares as much as you do would make for an incredible husband. My mother wouldn't see it that way, but I would. " He admits, tearing his gaze away to stare down at the table, mindfully willing the dampness in his eyes to fade away before he took it too far. " Marriage is about offering half of your heart to someone you trust. At least that's what it'd mean to me. "

Eyebrow raises slightly when the new coffee is ordered; he had barely seen Reiner drink his own, so the refill seems to be missed on him.  Then it's being swapped with his own cup and a flush settles on the apples of his cheeks, frustration in hazel eyes as he glances up at Reiner, mouth ready to open in disapproval.  It was his own fault for not drinking his coffee faster and for adding far too much sugar, and he has the salary to pay for a new cup.  But there's something…oddly sweet in the gesture of it, one that makes his lips purse in a firm line, but the anger doesn't quite meet his eyes.  "You act like it's going to actually matter if I drink coffee or not.  I'm still going to be tired."  

Still, he does tug the packets closer to him, starting to tear off the edges and add a few in, taking care to stir this time.  Porco does however catch the grimace on Reiner's face when he takes a sip from his old cup and a smirk turns up the corner of his lips.

The gesture isn't lost on him and he tries to ignore the way that his chest constricts for a moment in reaction.  It's something simple, the smallest of things, and yet it makes Porco get far too emotional for his own good.  Things do that lately  ––  ever since Marcel, ever since taking on the Jaws, it feels like when he's actually offered kindness in a way that doesn't have strings attached, it's a rare thing.  All his life he had wanted to inherit a titan and once he had gotten it, the cold hard truth of it had settled into his bones.  There was no comfort in it; he hasn't seen Marcel's memories.  They're locked away and that desire to see his brother one more time, to know the truth about what happened on Paradis, was too far out of his reach.  Instead, he has to annoyingly settle with Ymir's memories, and when he's not seeing Reiner having the time of his life, he's seeing some other blonde that she had been obsessed with.  He doesn't feel anything for her; he just wants her out of his head.

Eyes glance up and a soft scoff leaves his lips, but that smile is back in place, chasing away the thoughts that keep running around him in circles.  It feels good to shit talk Zeke; Pieck is far too fond of him to actually allow him to talk about him properly.  Something about being in the field with him for years, for knowing that he's complicated; he doesn't know, he tends to tune her out when she speaks about him.  There had been a time when it had been jealousy, when he had wanted to be with Pieck more than anything, but sometimes he wonders if her eyes had always been elsewhere.  If there's things that go on behind closed doors that even he's not allowed to know. 

"You know they only want to dance with you because the last time Zeke danced at a function, we almost lost funding because he tripped on the lady's dress and she landed in the fountain."  His scrunches a little at the memory and the second hand embarrassment that comes with it, but he does laugh; for all of the charm that Zeke could lay on, there had been no coming back from that.  Ever since, dancing had been delegated toward Reiner, Pieck, and himself.  Occasionally Colt was thrown into the mix; they liked the way they could fluster him and haze the new candidate in training.  He has to admit that their funding numbers have been up since Reiner's come back; the idiot's charm is contagious, especially with the ones that laugh too loud and make a show of touching his chest too much.  Sometimes he wonders if they know that Reiner's faking it just as much, that he has no eyes for them and that he'd much rather be against the wall and drinking than actively indulging their little Warrior fantasies. 

Brows furrow ever so slightly; he hadn't realized what that uncomfortable feeling was  ––  he had presumed it was annoyance, because what other feeling would it be?  They are used as fodder on the battlefield and back home isn't any different.  They talk with their bodies in order to make funds meet, in order to give back to Marley for the honor they've been bestowed.  But the thought of those girls dancing with him, it makes something uncomfortable rise up again.  The same feeling when it had been Pieck dancing with Zeke and laughing far too casually.  The same feeling that waivers on a thread when he's at a bar and his mark is being flirted with, attention taken from him. 

Tongue presses up against the roof of his mouth and he looks away, lets his eyes wander along the sea.  It's turbulent today  ––  a storm is going to blow in soon.  That means the wind's going to blow through his family home a little too hard and rattle the loose boards too much.  It'll feel like a ghost is in his room; Marcel's part of it is untouched still, like he never left.  Maybe his ghost resides there, too. 

"There's not going to be a wedding, but I appreciate it."  The words are lightly mumbled, his lips closing around the coffee cup as he takes a long sip.  The liquid burns going down, but it's better than the hatred that constantly feels bitter on his tongue.  "What for?  No one is going to be in it for love of all things.  They just want to know if they can get with me because of the honorary status that it'll bestow on them and their own.  Call me crazy, but if I'm going to get married, I want it to actually mean something."   His fingers tap along the side of the cup for a moment in thought; he's gotten those invitations and while he mom looked overjoyed, he had fed them into the fireplace at night because he had no interest in them.  It was never for him; they were people who had come out of the woodwork, who hadn't even so much as glanced his way beforehand.  So no, he'd rather not marry them.  He'd rather not the dramatics like they would care when he was gone, when his term was up and he was fed off to the next Jaw in line. 

Teeth drag along his lip harder than he intends to and he tastes blood on his tongue.  He chases it away with more coffee and relishes in the edge of pain it gives him.  "Marriage is lame if it's not for love.  You tell anyone I said that and I'll beat your ass, for the record."  

There's no real heat behind his words though.  Instead, he sets his cup down and tips his chin into his palm, observing Reiner lightly.  "You know, fuck Karina.  She doesn't deserve you as a son and she never has.  She filled your head with bullshit that I think is almost worse than Marley's because she just wanted it for herself.  You deserve better than that.  I hope you know that.  And you don't have to marry just because she wants you to.  Hell, I'll be your groom just to watch her shriek.  Might be the most alive I've felt in weeks."