#refusing to interact with kids ever on principle for example is messed up and a terrible thing to teach them

[smhalltheurlsaretaken]

It should not be as socially accepted as it is to straight up say "I hate kids."

People are always losing their minds at every "I hate people of X demographic" because it's a messed up thing to say, but the "I hate kids" thing flies like it's discussing one's distaste of cats or poodles??? Replace every "I hate kids" with "I hate elderly people" or "I hate people who are dependent on others to survive" and it's so obviously awful.

That's not a member of a separate species! That's a tiny human being who experiences the full range of human emotions, and who takes rejection like a knife to the heart. How you treat kids impacts how messed up the next generation of human beings will be, and the next, and every one of them after that.

They're unbelievably precious and deserving of your compassion and love, just like everybody else.

People can be bad with kids, can be uncomfortable caring for kids, can have trouble being patient, can be completely lost as to how kids think or act, it's fine! But it shouldn't be okay to channel any of that into "kids suck."

[mistresseast]

can you explain in more detail why you think the PT weren't good friends for akiren? i'm not asking out of hate or to start drama, i just never interpreted things that way and i'm genuinely curious. i don't think them being brainwashed by maruki makes them "bad friends", but i don't know if that's what you meant either. i'd love to read a proper explanation on this that isn't just people arguing in the notes of that post.

Hi! Yeah, I know the ~discourse~ climate is pretty touchy and not a good place to exchange ideas, so I’ll do my best to put my thoughts on this matter into words. 

Settle in, bc this one is long.

I’ll start off by saying I don’t dislike the PT, nor do I think they’re bad people, and honestly I think they love Joker a lot! Ryuji calling Akira after his fake death and talking about how his ideas on what makes a hero have changed because of Akira genuinely makes me emotional, along with dozens of other scenes with the thieves! They’re good kids who could be really good friends to Akira but that’s not what’s shown in the game. I don’t think it’s controversial to say Akira’s relationships with all of his friends are transactional. That’s kind of the point, all of his confidants arise out of deals, give and take, and in the metanarrative of the game, that’s how it works. You as the player help these characters solve their problems, and through ranking their confidants up, you get access to more gameplay perks. So it’s pretty even!! But like,,Akira, the character, isn’t the player. There’s no in-story mechanic by which he can cash in friendship points for being-good-at-killing-things prizes. Yes, he uses those abilities to not die in the metaverse, but there is no literal, in-universe way to explain how hanging out with someone translates to [insert gameplay perk here]. So you have to look at what is physically happening in the story. Akira hangs out with the PT, stands there while they have drama with another irrelevant character, and then one way or another their problems get solved and they swear to be Akira’s blood brother or whatever. Akira is a crutch for these characters, and they say multiple times that they wouldn’t have been able to do what they did without him. So all of their shit gets handled and Akira gets?? Like actually gets?? What? Inquiries about his well-being? Offers to help him? Questions about his life, his interests? No,,,not really,, But he gets access to a super powerful persona!! Yay!!! Bc everyone knows he’s just a little shadow-killing machine, right? And even the relationships he does get something tangible (as in separate from the mechanics of the game) out of, like Kawakami’s, are built on the notion that if Akira stops providing for whatever reason, the relationship will end. So essentially, Akira is under the pressure of filling whatever role his friends need him in for however long at any time, and he’s been led to believe that if he stops or fails, he will stop receiving any reciprocal care and acceptance.

(And I know this is all gameplay stuff, I know it has to be like this to codify the complicated process of human relationships, I know all of that, I’m just trying to find a deeper layer bc that’s what I do.)

This whole thing comes into pretty clear focus for me during the third semester when you visit everyone in the false reality. Everyone is happy to see him, of course, but they’re clearly wrapped up in their own happiness. Which is understandable, again, I’m not saying the PT need to be attached to Akira to be good friends, but it all still feels off to me.

If they know Joker, then they’d know it’s weird that he just shows up and starts asking these pointed questions while they’re in the middle of something. All of their other interactions with him have been led by them. Yeah, Joker approaches them bc the player has decided to hang out with them, but the other character always chooses the activity and leads the discussion. Akira showing up out of nowhere and asking them to “remember” and “move on” and whatnot should be raising some major red flags. And it clearly does, since their memories do start to return, but they’re all too scared of losing their happiness that they nope out of the conversation as soon as possible, without stopping to consider why Joker might be trying to reach out to them like that. They’re his friends; they should know he wouldn’t just be trying to hurt them or make them unhappy. After all, their entire relationship with him up til that point has been exclusively about Joker trying to help them. This doesn’t make the PT bad people, running away is a totally natural reaction in that situation. They’re just kids, and their minds have been manipulated to a point, but it’s not like they don’t remember Joker or the way they’ve grown since meeting him. In fact many of them mention how much they’ve matured recently, but they never actually relate that back to Akira, despite him being the primary driving force behind most of their personal arcs, even though they definitely remember him. Translation vagueness or deliberate nod to the idea that the PT don’t actually credit Akira with all the hard work he did after their initial lip service? Hmmm. Anyway, their failure to recognize that Joker is struggling just demonstrates to me what was set up all throughout their confidant links, that their relationships are transactional and that they don’t necessarily consider Joker and his individual needs outside of what he provides for them. And when they no longer need him bc that hole has been filled, he simply doesn’t occupy the same place of importance in their lives. 

Makoto’s flashback in particular stood out to me, bc it was from a moment where she was specifically talking about feeling like she finally found a place to belong with the Phantom Thieves (and by extension, with Joker), but then she desperately tries to brush it off. Obviously that sense of belonging wasn’t meaningful enough to her for her to want it back. And I’m not blaming her, of course, any teenager would choose to have their father back over being in a vigilante group lmao, I just thought it was telling that the devs decided to show us a scene that was originally meant to be heartwarming as an example of the harsh reality Makoto wants to forget. All of the flashbacks are from defining moments for the thieves, but that one specifically got me like *thinking emoji*

So his friends are hesitant, despite the fact that they must know something is wrong. It’s understandable, they all stand to lose a lot if someone messes with the status quo. I genuinely don’t think I would react any differently. But there is someone who reacts differently and against his own self-interest. It’s Goro, the one who has arguably the most to lose, who doesn’t turn away from Akira. He seeks Akira out and teams up with him to uncover what’s really going on, even though he has every reason to believe that prodding too deep will literally mean the end of his life. He forces Akira and himself to face the truth because he knows anything else would just be an insult to what they’ve suffered so far. He’s the only one who never flinches, and that, more than any of his friends’ come-to-jesusing (which Akira still has to initiate) is what Akira needs in that situation. For the first time (outside of the brief instances in the tutorial levels), we see a situation where Akira is actually the dependent one, the one who needs help, who needs support. And the only one who has ever provided that, unconditionally, without demanding anything in return, is Goro. I could go into how Goro’s confidant blows all of the others out of the water in terms of building both himself AND Akira as characters, but it’s been said already and by smarter people than me. But basically, despite competition being a core theme of their relationship, Goro is the only character who is portrayed as Akira’s equal. Their contests are all in the name of improving not just Goro, but Akira too. Goro is the only character who expresses an interest in Akira’s inner life and development, and as such he knows Akira better than anyone else. So when Maruki tries to trap them all in a gilded birdcage, Goro won’t stand for it and he knows Akira won’t stand for it either. That’s why he’s so betrayed if you choose to accept the dreamworld. You’re negating the basis of your entire relationship with him and going against your own principles. Out of every character in the game, the one who knows Akira best and refuses to abandon him even when that could mean his own death is Goro Akechi.

I want to reiterate: I do not hate or even dislike the PT!! And tbh I don’t really think they “abandoned” Akira. That post, imo, is supposed to be kind of hyperbolic. Unless it’s referring to how many of them literally sprint away when he comes to talk to them lol. I look at it more like a commentary on how thoughtlessly the PT act as soon as their wishes are granted. I know it’s set up linearly for story purposes, but isn’t it kind of sad how no one checks up on Akira in the week he’s going around talking to people? Especially after he’s been acting so comparatively weird? It’s not unusual that they might be caught up in other stuff, but while you’re going around and visiting everyone, you don’t get a single text or call from ANY of the thieves, for a whole week!! Goro even comments on it directly with his pointed little “I’m sure you’re just as close as you were before” comment. God, he’s such a bitch. Ultimately, the PT do get their acts together, and it’s partially out of the realization that Akira is struggling alone against something and needs their help, which I love and appreciate. I think they are good friends who want to support Akira, but they can’t understand him past the role they’ve placed him in, and until they do, they’ll never be able to be what he needs. Akira loves his friends and knows he can rely on them in most ways, but those relationships will always be dogged by the pervasive fear that he must constantly earn the right to have the relationship at all. What he needs MOST is someone he doesn’t have to perform for, and from what we see in the game, none of the thieves fit that bill. Except Goro. 

I know this was long and rambly and probably pretty disjointed but I wanted to be as thorough as possible and all of my thoughts just sort of gushed out. Obviously ymmv about all of this depending on how you interpret the game, but this is what I arrived at thanks to my analysis so this is what I have for you! Thank you for coming to my Ted Talk

[butterflydm]

The Untamed Rewatch (ep 12)

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Lan Wangji looks so pained when he's handing over Bichen. That's the only piece of home he has with him right now.

This scene is really effectively tense. Wen Chao is a bully but he's a bully backed up by the fact that he's in his home territory, with the implied threat of many guards plus the open question of his father's army potentially attacking any of their homes. And the way we see each of the characters respond in this scene tells us about where they are emotionally. Lan Wangji is the character who has actually been through what everyone else is being threatened with — home destroyed, family's fate uncertain. Lan Zhan has been so ready to fight in previous episodes, and his resignation here is more striking because of that.

And here, Wei Wuxian makes the point to Jiang Cheng that he's not planning on making a fuss because he doesn't want to make things harder for their family and — okay, so is that the pivot that Jiang Cheng uses in the future to blame WWX for Lotus Pier burning? I will...  refrain from too much judgement in case I'm remembering incorrectly. But I've keeping my eye on Jiang Cheng, who really could have used anger management therapy tbh.

Because the Wens are clearly gearing up to take over the cultivation world as a whole, with 'submit or die' as their motto, essentially. And Yu Ziyuan was willing to only go so far but no further when it came to submitting to Wen authority. Lotus Pier would have burned, regardless of WWX's actions, because the Wen would eventually demand more than the Jiang clan were willing to give. And Wen Chao already hated WWX before any of this happened (in the drama, anyway). It's easier, I suppose, to make someone a scapegoat rather than confront the idea that some things are inevitable (given certain starting conditions).

Moving away from that, this dude in the hat that objects to their swords being taken away… I think he's from the same sect that shoots WWX way down the road? Who are those guys, anyway? I'll have to see if I can catch their names at some point. Are they under the Jin sect?

The other person who vocally objects is Jin Zixuan and this is really where I started to understand and kinda like JZX during my first watch-through, though I still thought Jiang Yanli deserved better. But we see his arrogance, as it were, being used against an antagonist instead of one of our protagonists, which reframed it a bit. Both Wen Chao and Jin Zixuan are spoiled and prideful kids of powerful parents, but JZX isn't a bully (his cousin is, but that's a different story). And Jin Zixuan is open to correction — we see that when Mianmian reminds him of the realities of their situation. JZX and Wen Chao both get put into positions of powerlessness over the course of the drama and their responses to that are very distinct from each other.

This is also another great scene for Luo Qingyang (Mianmian). At first, I thought she was the only female disciple there but then I spotted a few others in the background. But I appreciate her presence. I also just really like her. She's capable of swallowing her own pride when it's a matter of survival & protection but is also quite moral in addition to being sensible. For all that in many places, she works as a LWJ parallel, her position is similar to WWX's or Wen Zhuliu's — she's not a part of the main clan and she has to decide for herself where her allegiance lies and if she stands up for what is right or what the sect leader wants (Wen Qing runs up against this line too).

We go to a scene with Wen Qing and Wen Ning doing what I think is the first on-screen example in the series of a sibling withholding information in order to 'protect' said sibling, which I'm pretty sure never actually works out as planned in the whole drama. Here, Wen Qing warns Wen Ning away from associating with Wei Wuxian, but because she doesn't give him any reasons, the balance of her words doesn't weigh against him actually seeing WWX in a bad situation and wanting to help him. 

Now, Wen Qing probably didn't tell him the full story for a few reasons — it seems likely she's never fully explained how fragile their position is with Wen Rouhan and she doesn't feel prepared to do it now and if she gave Wen Ning the actual reasons, she may worry that he would counter those reasons directly and disagree with her. Much like Jiang Cheng does in the future, Wen Qing is trying to place her people's survival (and especially her brother's) over her own potential moral impulses to help people outside her clan.

Speaking of Jiang Cheng, while he and WWX are learning the Wen Sect history, we see that he's carrying around that comb he bought for Wen Qing and he wonders if she might be around.

Wei Wuxian realizes that it isn't in Wen Sect's MO just to take Lan Zhan and leave the rest of the clan alone and the second he realizes it, he tries to go and find Lan Zhan. He's stopped by the guards, but it's sweet. We do see the contrast here, between WWX's immediate choice to act on his impulse to find Lan Zhan versus Jiang Cheng's more reticent desire to seek out Wen Qing.

When WWX gets thwarted, he starts plotting how he might talk to LWJ tomorrow instead, but it's all immediate and urgent. Part of that is due to the respective situations LWJ and Wen Qing are in, of course, (her own hostage situation is less obvious than LWJ's) but part of it is down to the differences in how WWX and Jiang Cheng treat the prospect of partnership, I think. Jiang Cheng is, and will remain, Family First, while WWX is more flexible and is drawn to the idea of finding a fulfilling equal partnership with someone.

This next scene, where WWX lists out the Lan principles instead of reciting from the Wen book, is such a great defining moment for WWX. Because he doesn't just stand up against Wen Chao — both LWJ and JZX are doing that as well — he does it with humor and style and charm. He does it with showmanship. And, sure, he gets punished for it but even then his main concern is that the dung will mess up Lan Zhan's clothes.

Obviously, LWJ and JZX would have been punished for their own refusals but by making his actions so attention-getting, it means that Wen Chao's focus is more likely to be on him and some of it pulled away from LWJ.

The other options WWX had in this scene — after being called out with LWJ and JZX — would have been either to refuse in the same blunt way, which would have gone much the same, probably, or to actually do as Wen Chao asked, which would have meant LWJ and JZX being punished while WWX was not. Which he wouldn't find acceptable for obvious reasons.

I like this little glimpse of a potential happy farm boy alternate life for WWX we get here — he's so practical and efficient about it here, and we see how happy he is to get the lotus to grow later on in the Burial Mounds. He's not at all worried about hard work for himself; he's fully capable of metaphorically rolling up his sleeves and getting it done. And we kinda get those two pieces of him back-to-back — show-off vs practical. And willing to give a hand to anyone who needs it, even if he doesn't like them (JZX with the cloth tied under his nose). That's kinda the main thing that a lot of the sect leaders won't or can't understand — that WWX will help someone just because they need it, without them being a member of his family or asking anything in repayment (LWJ, of course, does understand and it's part of why he learns to trust WWX's heart so implicitly).

Poor Wei Ying! He'd thought he and Lan Zhan made all that progress and now he's being ignored again! But he's a little more grown-up and self-aware now, I think, because he doesn't really take it personally. He knows something must have gone very wrong for LWJ to be here alone, so his predominant emotion is just worry over what's happened.

Then Wen Chao intervenes and I really love this scene, too. From how unflinching WWX is, to LWJ and then JZX trying to protect him once Wen Chao's anger focused on him.

If Jin Zixuan had lived (and especially after his dad died), I think he and WWX could have come to a real understanding as brothers-in-law. Their main clashes were over Jiang Yanli (so once JZX starts treating her as she deserves, WWX can dislike him less) and because they both assume the other one is annoyingly arrogant and thinks too highly of themselves, but we see that being worked out as they interact more too. So, while I don't think WWX would ever maybe be soft with him the way we see him be with some of his other loved ones, I do think they could have gotten to a fond teasing place.

One thing that I find interesting about Wen Chao is that he does seem aware that his bragging about Wen Sect being above everyone else doesn't actually translate to being able to hold his own against a talented cultivator. We could say that he was just taught to lead from the back, as it were, except that his brother, Wen Xu, actually did fight his own battles, as we saw at the burning of the Cloud Recesses. So it's not that they're taught they shouldn't get their hands dirty personally. It does make me wonder exactly when Wen Zhuliu was made Wen Chao's primary bodyguard, because that relationship already seem pretty set in stone when we first see it. And here, as soon as WWX makes any move to defend himself, Wen Chao relies entirely on the guards for any 'muscle' involved.

After LWJ and JZX both make it clear they won't just stand there and let WWX get beaten, Wen Chao orders him to be taken to the dungeon instead. Lan Wangji, of course, is much more forceful and hands-on in his attempt to protect WWX. He does back down, but when WWX tells him to, not Wen Chao. And since WWX was trying to distract Wen Chao from focusing too much on LWJ anyway, that's fine with him, and he manages to put up a good show of bravado over it all. By the time we get to their second lifetimes, LWJ knows WWX well enough to tell when he's trying to do this kind of thing to protect someone — WWX tries to do it when they're running away from Jinlin Tai but by then LWJ isn't willing to let WWX push him away to protect him.

WWX does seem to be quite self-sacrificing in general, and possibly might have been that way even without Madame Yu encouraging the tendency, but it's clear that he does find it very comforting and emotional when LWJ stops letting himself be pushed away so that WWX will no longer face scorn and dangers alone.

We see that Wen Ning saw this scene, too, and of course he immediately decides to go help WWX, no matter what his sister asked him to do. I'm pretty much a hundred percent sure he would have gone to help even if Wen Qing had explained the dangers, given what he's willing to do later to help WWX. Wen Ning also has a strong sense of right and wrong and he's very loyal to the people he cares about (does Wen Ning have a crush on WWX? I mean, probably? If I were Wen Ning, I would definitely have a crush on WWX).

I do think this animatronic (maybe?) doggie is probably the worst 'effect' (practical or cg) that the drama does, bless its little fuzzy head. Like, I can't even be scared of it a little bit. It's just… too fake to be scared of, even if Xiao Zhan is acting his heart out. That's okay. I'll just mentally insert something scarier and we're good. This is one case where lowering the light levels so we could maybe only see, like, a glint of teeth, might have served well. Like, I think they tried to do that but I can still see it too clearly for there to be any fear.

I like the hand gesture that Wen Chao makes after WWX touches his arm. It seems so baffled, the way he jogs it up and down. "Did he actually… dare to touch my arm… wtf????"

The scene between Wen Qing and Jiang Cheng isn't necessary story-wise — the audience could easily assume she made the connections herself — but it's an important moment for the characters. For us to see Jiang Cheng's palpable concern over WWX and the reminder of his concern for Wen Qing as well. CQL does choose to center character over plot, which is a choice that can sometimes cause plot fuzziness, but it does give a good sense of the characters, their relationships, and their growth over time.

So, the doggie does attack Wei Wuxian before Wen Ning is able to throw the needles at the doggo and put him to sleep for the night. WWX is injured and scared, and Wen Ning has come bearing some medicine he, uh, borrowed from his sister, and also is there to be an inside source of information. I notice, with a fair sense of irony, that WWX can accurately diagnose Wen Qing with 'tries to carry the burden all herself' disease, but does not see that he, himself, also suffers from this ailment.

Also, awwww, WWX calls him 'Wen-xiong' in this scene. I feel kinda emotional over that tbh. And the moment when he bows to thank Wen Ning despite the chains and his injuries is also very emotional. I just feel a lot of things right now. Wen Ning is such a sweetheart and Wei Wuxian is a darling and I'm just very very fond of them.

WWX gets much more agitated over how LWJ has been wronged and hurt by Wen Xu and the Wen sect than over his own injuries. They both do this, of course, get protective over the other one, but it's always sweet to see. I mean, I wish they would think more about their own injuries, because taking care of yourself isn't a bad thing, but the protectiveness over each other is sweet.

Wei Wuxian fighting past his own fears to pull the needles out of the doggo (and thus made the lil dude a threat again) is a great moment and the focus is mostly on Xiao Zhan's face, which is a much better choice than focusing on the dog puppet, because he is definitely selling the nervous fear there. Wen Chao is also, unfortunately, too smart to do the whole 'fight me one-on-one' thing. He is affected by WWX's jabs but not enough to actually trick himself into thinking he should take away any of his advantages like the soldiers or the big pupperooine.

The moment after WWX has been brought back, and everyone is just feeling super-nostalgic over the lectures as Gusu Lan — I wonder exactly how many times WWX thought that over the years, and missed that. He gets super-nostalgic over his memories when he's wandering around the buildings after he comes back to life as well.

That is, actually, one of the reasons WWX marrying into the Lan clan does work on a thematic level. Like GusuLan isn't perfect and I'm not a fan of all of their methods but they provided this atmosphere where these young people could mostly just be young people. And they give us enough call-backs to show that there are a lot more good memories associated with the Cloud Recesses than bad ones.

And Good Brother Jiang Cheng in this scene does show open worry and then give WWX food, which is the surest sign of love for these boys who were half-raised by Jiang Yanli, whose main love language is giving the people she loves food at all costs and in great quantities.

Nie Huaisang gets to do a lot of little but important things in this scene as well — he shows concern over WWX, nostalgia over the Cloud Recesses, and then fear and worry over the threat towards his brother that Wen Chao makes.

The scene as a whole continues the tense energy that we had at the beginning, as Wen Chao 'updates' them on their statuses as hostages for their families, essentially. It's hard not to react in a situation like that, and most of them do have minor outbursts. Especially since Wen Chao makes it clear that the 'good behavior' thing is meant to go both ways — that their clans could get worse treatment from the Wens if they act up.

Wen Qing and Wen Ning's next scene alone gets back into the heart of the conflict of 'protection of the family' vs 'helping others outside the family'. Wen Ning argues that she herself taught him to repay kindness that are paid to them, and that WWX has done him kindnesses that deserve repayment, but Wen Qing is dealing with the stress of being the head of a family that has been whittled down to very few pieces, just trying to hold it together.

I do wonder if these character similarities with Wen Qing and Jiang Cheng were what made the CQL people decide to give them the doomed almost-romance or if they accentuated those things once they had already decided to go down that road. I believe I've read that Wen Qing's character is different than how she's written in the novel, but is that part of her one of the things that was changed for the drama?

I love that Lan Zhan hasn't even opened his copy of the ~glories of Wen clan. I mean, it's also really sad, because it's a statement about how much he's already lost to the Wens in some ways. But I also love it. NHS faints and it's probably real; I'm not sure if he's developed his fake-fainting skills yet but he seems pretty out of it right before he drops.

When Wen Chao gets the report about the ominous spirits, he decides to go ahead and use the hostages as his meat shields without… clearing it… with his dad first. Because it all went so well the last time he went off without his dad's permission! I'm not sure if we ever get an on-screen reaction from Wen Rouhan about this choice, but if I were Wen Rouhan, I would not be thrilled that my son took all my good-behavior hostages out on a probable-death field trip.

The field trip does mean the introduction of Wang Lingjiao. We don't get very much from her this episode but anyone who is that happy to be around Wen Chao is already giving signs of not being the best person in the world.

We end the episode with Jiang Cheng trying to hold Wei Wuxian back from going over to check on Lan Wangji, who must be in incredible amounts of pain, because he's visibly limping. Jiang Cheng's argument is essentially the same as Wen Qing's — our own family is already in a terrible position, we can't afford to help anyone else.

WWX's counterargument is different than Wen Ning's, though, because it doesn't rely on LWJ having giving him anything previous or getting anything back from LWJ at any point. Wen Ning's argument was 'WWX has helped me and I should return the kindness' while WWX's argument is 'he needs the help and I can provide it'.

Here, Jiang Cheng can maybe believe this is an argument that stems partly (or even mostly) from WWX's feelings for LWJ — his jealous at various points implies that, I think — but we know from other experiences with WWX, both in the past and the future, that those kinds of feelings aren't required for WWX to be willing to help. Instead, he falls back on the reasoning that he gives Jiang Cheng here — help is needed and someone has to do it. If not him, then who? So again, WWX and Jiang Cheng diverge on this important point of morality, not for the last time.

And somewhere off-screen, Meng Yao and Lan Xichen are currently taking the next steps of their own romantic drama that will end tragically in the future. But we don't find that out for a while.

Next time: Trapped alone in a cave with a giant mystical murder turtle!

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[soybeantree]

blossom 

pairing: mark x reader  genre/warning: singleparent!reader, teacher!mark; some soft shit word count: 7k description: soft mark as your son’s teacher. a/n:  buckle in buttercups

“Do you ever feel like your life is spiraling down a black hole headed nowhere?” “No. Is that an adult thing?”

 The young boy sitting across the table from you asks, pausing in his breakfast consumption. Sighing, you put down your spoon and shake your head. “No, I think it’s a me thing. Your mom is a mess. Have I apologized to you lately that you ended up with me as a mom?” The young boy chuckles and shakes his head. “You’re a great mom and a beautiful mess.” He says as he stands up and clears his dishes, heading for the sink. “I’m a blessed mess.” You call over your shoulder as you stand up. “It’s the only way I could end up with a kid like you.” You add as you follow your son’s example and place your dishes in the sink. As you start to rinse them off, you catch sight of the clock. “Oh, shhh-It’s time to go!” You save yourself, shooting your son a smile. The kid shakes his head. “Swear jar.” “I didn’t say it.” “Swear jar.” His arms cross his chest, and his feet stand firm. Your cause is lost. “Fine. Go grab your jacket and backpack. And hurry about it!” You call as he disappears into his room. Heading towards the annoyingly large glass jar which sits in the far corner of your living, you dump all of your change into it. The jar is nearly full, and the sight makes you cringe. The past few weeks at work have been stressful, leading to your statement at breakfast and the full jar. While you hope the trend won’t continue, reality leads you to believe otherwise. You do need to find a better outlet for your stress though, or you’re going to end up broke. “Mom!” “Coming.” You rush to the entryway, slipping on shoes before dashing out the door your son is so kindly holding open. His school is close by, the reason you chose the apartment. He insists that being ten he is old enough to walk to school by himself. You insist that being twenty-eight you are not old enough for him to walk to school on his own. You plan on living a long and healthy life, and if something happens to him, you’ll either end up dead from grief or in jail for vengeance. So the two of you walk to school together. These couple minutes are sacred to you. With all the stress and demands of work, time with your son is scarce, so you take advantage of every minute you have. “Alright, what do I need to know about this coming week?” You ask as you head down the street. Your son walks silently beside you, fiddling with the zipper on his jacket. “What is it?” You ask at his hesitation. “We are currently in a full honesty, no judgment zone. Didn’t you see the sign we just passed?” You gesture over your shoulder to the non-existent sign behind you. He cracks a smile and shakes his head. “There was no sign mom.” “Okay, but my point still stands.” Taking a deep breath, he starts. “I want to make a deal with you.” His eyes dart to yours, and you nod urging him to continue. “If you say yes, you can take back all the money in the swear jar.” The money in the swear jar is designated for charity. You two had come up with this deal when he was in first grade and was sent to the principle’s office for swearing in class. You had been mortified but were even more mortified when you realized it was your fault. That day you had told him that swearing in school was not okay and promised that you would stop swearing, and that ff he caught you swearing, then you would put all the change in your wallet into the swear jar. Once it was full, you would take all the money and donate it to the charity of his choice. While you hadn’t been able to keep your promise as diligently as you would have liked, you two had donated quite a bit to charities. “Kid, that money-” He holds up his hand though, and you zip your lips. It’s his time to talk. “At the end of the month, we’re going to have a choir concert.” Everything within you plummets as your mind follows the path he’s laying out. “Minnie’s mom was supposed to help with the costumes and the set, but she broke her arm and can’t. Mr. Mark can’t do it all by himself, and he asked if any other parent’s might be able to help. I know you’re busy with work, but no other parent’s can help and if Mr. Mark doesn’t get any help then we can’t do the concert and-and…” His shoulders heave, and his eyes start to glisten, and you stare back at him helpless. Ever since that first day when the doctor placed this tiny bundle in your arms, you’ve been helpless whenever you look in those eyes. “Okay.” “Okay? You’ll do it!” He bounces on his feet, smiling up at you so brightly, and you know if you could you would give this kid the world. “Yes, yes, I’ll do it.” “Mr. Mark will be so happy.” He beams as he starts to skip down the street. “Mhm.” You nod as you follow him at a more moderate pace. Mr. Mark. Mark Tuan was your son’s first grade teacher, the one who had sent him to the office for swearing. He was there when you came to pick him up. Your son had been in tears. He hadn’t realized what he said was a bad word. Mommy said it all the time. He didn’t want to be a bad kid. Mark had sat beside him, telling him that just because he said a bad word didn’t mean that he was a bad kid. People made mistakes. He just needed to learn from his mistake, so that way he didn’t make them again. Standing down the hall watching the interaction, your mind was a war of emotions, the chief being mortification. You were mortified that you were teaching your son to cuss; that because of you, he felt this way about himself; and that Mark witnessed it all. The second emotion was gratitude. You were grateful that Mark was the one who witnessed it, that he would sit with your son and comfort him, and that he had somehow found a way back into your life. Fate is funny, you think as you give your son a kiss and send him off to school. While the goodbye embarrasses him as it would any ten year old boy, he lets you do it every morning. Because, as he has told you so many times, his love for you is greater than any embarrassment. You hope it’s something he learned from you. That cussing isn’t the only thing you’ve taught him.  Your love for him is greater than any embarrassment. You wish it was the same for your family. Heading towards the nearby bus stop, your mind wanders through old memories. You were young when you had your son. Fresh out of high school, you found out you were pregnant. You were unwed and unemployed with only your family to lean on, except you couldn’t. They wouldn’t let you. Coming back from another unsuccessful job hunt, you had found a suitcase on your parent’s doorstep with all your clothes in it. Your father wasn’t pleased with what had happened you could tell that by his stony silence and your mother was always looking away when you entered a room, but they were your parents. They should love you more than any embarrassment. You had stood on their doorstep, pounding on the door and screeching until night fell. But the door never opened. They probably weren’t even home. They had kicked you out and fled. You collapsed against the door, staring at the sliver of moon which hung in the sky. That’s when Mark came. You had known Mark your whole life. He lived down the street from you and was by far the coolest kid on the street. All the boys wanted to be his friend and all the girls wanted to be his girl-friend. He was your first crush and your first love. Being two years older than you, he had already gone off to college. So when he came and crouched down in front of you, you were shocked to see him. He had undoubtedly heard you screaming, the whole neighborhood had, but he didn’t say anything about it. He didn’t ask about it or offer any false words of hope. Instead, he held out a hand and asked if you wanted to grab something to eat. As you board the bus, you smile at the memory. His face had shone with kindness, but all you wanted was to tell him to fuck off and leave you alone and stop trying to be nice. With him there, you couldn’t curl up in a little ball and cease existing. But you said none of that. You couldn’t. While the thing inside you was probably no bigger than a grain of rice, it needed you. Without you, it couldn’t survive, and you refused to abandon it. Your love for it would be greater than any embarrassment. So you took Mark’s hand and let him pull you up. He grabbed your suitcase and, with his hand still wrapped around yours, started walking down the street. He did all the talking which was shocking because he never talked. Mark was always the quiet, mysterious type, but tonight he was a fountain of words. He told you about how he was studying to be a teacher and about his roommate Jinyoung who was also pursuing education. The two of you headed to a local restaurant, and over a steaming bowl of soup, he continued to speak. Eventually, you started talking too and joking. He never asked about the pregnancy or made any comments about it. For one night, you were able to just be you. After dinner, he offered you his sister’s room for the night. Being older than him, she had already moved out. Hesitant, you declined, but he assured you his parents wouldn’t mind. Having no other options, you relented and agreed. His parents didn’t mind. They welcomed you in with open arms, showing you the spare room. A towel lay folded neatly on the bed with little bottles of shampoo and soap. After a warm shower, you laid down and fell asleep instantly. The next morning, you woke before any of them. During your shower the night before, you had accepted the truth. The life you had lived before came to an end when the second pink line appeared. Your parents made it very clear you no longer had a place here, and you couldn’t live of the Tuan’s kindness forever. Before they could wake and talk you out of your decision, you left with only a note to thank them for their kindness. Life was hell after that. Working, raising a kid, and putting yourself through college, you wonder how you did it. There were lots of tears and sleepless nights, but you survived. After all your hard work, you were able to land a good job and send your son to a good school. He loved his school, especially his teacher Mr. Mark. It wasn’t until that first parent-teacher conference that you realized Mr. Mark was your Mark. That had been a fun night, followed by more fun nights. Over the school year at different functions, you and Mark had filled each other in on those years since you left. He regaled you with the tales of him and his friends, and you allowed him a glimpse of your hell. Feelings you had thought long dead floated to the surface. They weren’t the same though. The infatuation of a young girl had matured into respect and appreciation and desire. For a time, you entertained your childhood fantasies. Then your son swore. Standing there watching Mark comfort him, you were thrown back to that day on your parents doorstep. After all those years and all that hell, you were still the same girl who needed Mark to step in and help her up. You couldn’t face him after that. The feelings which had surfaced, you forced back down. Your son graduated to second grade and your interactions with Mark dwindled until your son decided to join the school choir. For years, the school choir had been run by a kind old man who had lost his hearing at some point during his tenure. No one had the heart to tell him though. But, before your son’s third grade, the old man announced that that year would be his last. Mark, a music minor, was unanimously elected as his successor, and your son was one of the first kids to sign up the next year. Now, you see Mark on a weekly basis. Thus far you have successfully limited your interactions to polite greetings and small talk. Stepping off the bus, you acknowledge that moving forward this will no longer be the case. The two of you will be working closely until the concert. The feelings you sunk, stir at the prospect, but you force them to still. Mark has always been a pleasant fantasy, but you live in the real world and have dealt with too much shit to indulge in fantasies.

Later that week, you sit hunched over a sewing machine as you curse under your breath. The damn bobbin keeps messing up, and if you have to re-thread the needle one more time, you’re likely to shove the whole thing off the table. Believing the school would have adequate equipment for the task at hand, you left your beautifully functioning sewing machine at home. The mistake would not be repeated again. Next time, you would bring it. 

Needle re-threaded, you run the cloth through the machine, only to hear the whir and feel the tell-tale tug. Before the machine can meet the floor, long hands pull it out of your reach. Glancing up, you find Mark standing above you. A smile tugs at his lips, but he forces them to still. He wants to appear serious. “Would you be able to help me with the set pieces? I’ve finished cutting them out. I just need someone a little more artistic to paint them.” Sewing had offered you the opportunity to distance yourself from Mark, but if you spend any more time with that machine, you’ll end up owing the school a new machine. Maybe that’s what you should do with the swear jar money this time around. You muse, chuckling to yourself. “What?” Mark’s eyes catch yours. “Nothing, I was just- it’s nothing. I’ll just get started on those set pieces.” You stand heading over to the cut-outs. The less talking you do the easier all of this will be. You grab a nearby paint brush and bucket and begin outlining the branches. Mark settles next to a fence as an uncomfortable silence falls. “Do you mind if I put on some music?” Mark’s voice breaks the silence. Your brush streaks across the tree leaving an ugly stain. You hadn’t expected him to speak. Determined to escape the awkwardness, you had filled your mind with everything you had to do for work. “No, I don’t mind.” You clear your throat. “It’s fine.” Music starts as you try to fix your mistake. The two of you continue to work, as the music pushes the silence back. However, the awkwardness remains and grows worse as the night drags on. You continually check your phone, hoping hours have ticked by. But only minutes have passed. “Mom!” Your sons voice enters the room, and you glance up from the bush you’re working on. A relieved smiled slips on your face. Today’s torture is coming to an end. “Hey, sweetie. How was studying at Minnie’s?” You ask as you start to gather up the brushes and paint. Not able to physically help with the concert, Minnie’s mom had offered to watch your son while you worked. “I finished all my homework.” He beams. “You did? Good job, kiddo.” “Yes…” A glint appears in his eyes. Pushing off the floor, you cross your arms and nod for him to continue. “Since I finished all my homework, I was wondering if we could go and get some ice cream.” He fixes you with those eyes, and you tell yourself that he earned a treat. You’re not being a pushover. “Okay,” He fist bumps the air before you can finish, “We can get ice cream.” You chuckle as he proceeds to do the dorky victory dance he learned from you. “But first, help me clean up. We don’t want to leave this mess for Mr. Mark.” “Oh, Mr. Mark,” he turns to his teacher, “do you want to get ice cream with us?” The invitation should have been obvious. You should have waited to agree until after you left. Now the invitation hangs in the air, and you can’t face Mark. You can barely face your son for fear he will read too much in your expression. Smoothing your face, you turn to Mark with a simple smile. “You’re more than welcome to come with us.” “Sure, I can always eat ice cream.” He returns the smile. Drawing on a strength you didn’t even know you possessed, you manage to keep the smile on your face and nod. With the three of you working together, you finish the clean up in minutes. Down the street from the school is a local ice cream shop which has been run by the same family for generations. Here you three head for the promised treat. Your son is quick to order chocolate fudge, requesting a second scoop when he thinks you’re not paying attention. He receives one scoop with sprinkles. You request the more moderate vanilla. Mark completes the trio with cookies ‘n cream. Outside the shop, benches and tables sit clustered around a little wishing well. Your son plops onto a chair, and you settle on the bench across from him, failing to realize your mistake until Mark exits the shop with his cone in hand. The cluster your son has chosen only has the chair he occupies and the bench under you, leaving the only available seat beside you. Glancing at your son, you find that glint in his eye as he slowly licks away at his ice cream. “Do you mind?” Mark asks gesturing to the accursed spot. You shake your head scooting over until the arm rest bites into your side. Mark lowers himself, careful to keep an arms width of distance between you two. “Mr. Mark?” Your son asks. Mark motions for him to continue. “Did you really know my mom when she was little?” Sputtering turns to coughing as you choke on your ice cream. Mark pats you gently on the back, but you wave him off. “Sorry.” You cough. “Wrong pipe.” “Ummm…” Mark glances at you, but you wave him off again as you regain your breath. “Uh, yes. We grew up in the same neighborhood.” He turns his attention to your son. “What was mom like when she was little?” “We didn’t know-” “She was very independent,” He cuts you off, “like she is now.” “Really? How so?” “There’s one thing I remember from when we were really young. She would wander away from her house all the time, and the whole neighborhood would know when it happened because her mom would rush out of the house screaming. Everyone would start looking for her, and she would be somewhere different every time. When she finally returned home, her mom would rage at her.” “Mom!” Your son accuses. “And you won’t even let me walk to school by myself.” “Do as I say not as I do. Have you ever heard that expression?” You defend your protectiveness. “I was lucky that nothing happened to me.” Mark clears his throat before taking another bite of ice cream. You eye him. “What?” “You weren’t always lucky.” He mumbles, but you still hear him. At your bewildered expression, Mark continues more clearly. “There was one time I saw you wandering, and there was this guy. He made me feel uneasy, so I went and got my dad. And he reported the man to the police.” The knowledge sends a chill racing down your spine, and you stare at him horrified. “After that, I would always keep an eye on your door, and if you ever went wandering I would follow behind.” “You did?” Clearing his throat, he nods, but he doesn’t meet your eyes. “So you were my mom’s guardian angel?” Mark chuckles. “I wouldn’t say that. I was just worried something might happen.” His focus goes to his ice cream as he continues to chip away at it. You stare at him and then a crack in the sidewalk until your ice cream drips onto your hand. Cursing in your head, you lick up the mess and make quick work of the frozen treat and cone. Your son works more slowly, that glint in his eye ever present, so you hurry him along and excuse yourself from the situation. You need to get home before any other secrets come to light.

At work the next week, you sit through yet another meeting. This one thankfully marks the end of the project you’ve been slaving over for the past month. You wish your boss would show his gratitude for your teams hard work, by not having a meeting. Glancing at your co-workers, you can tell they are of the same mind set. Your boss does end the meeting earlier than usual though which everyone applauds. 

As you gather your things and prepare to return to your desk, you hear your name called. Your boss stands on the other side of the room a smile on his face. That smile sends your stomach plummeting. It means more work for you. With this project completed, you had hoped you would receive a reprieve from your overloaded schedule, but you seem to be luckless.

“I’m sorry sir, could you repeat that?” He chuckles at your bewilderment. “I want you to head our new office.” “If I’m not mistaken, that office is in a different country.” He nods. “Of course the promotion comes with a move, but the company would assist with your relocation, and you would be allotted a housing stipend.” The offer is an honor, recognition for all the work you’ve put in. Everyone knew about the new office opening, and the office gossip had all been supposition about who would helm it. You had never given consideration to the idea that it would be you. While work can be exhausting, you are content where you are, and you believed the company was content to keep you where you are. “This is a big change, sir. Could I have some time to think about it?” “Of course, we don’t have to announce anything for another two weeks. Take your time think it over, but I’m sure you’ll find the benefits outweigh any minor inconveniences you face now.” His smile broadens as you nod. Exiting his office, you find your co-workers packing up and saying their farewells. A glance at the clock confirms that the workday has come to an end. You breath a sigh of relief. After that bombshell, you wouldn’t have been able to focus on anything. Grabbing your own bag, you head out of the building to your bus stop. The bus ride home is spent in silence. You watch the world pass by, but notice nothing as your mind weighs the benefits against the “minor inconveniences”. While your boss saw them as minor, you did not see them the same way. Moving meant leaving the apartment you had worked for years to be able to afford. It meant tearing your son from his school and his friends. It meant uprooting the life you had worked so hard to achieve. Did the benefits really outweigh what you would have to give up? You would have a new apartment, probably better than the one you had now, but it wouldn’t be the apartment that you had walked by every day for three years, promising yourself that one day you would live there. Your son would make new friends. The new city would have a good school, maybe a better one than he went to now, but Mark wouldn’t be there. That last thought stills you, and you almost miss your stop. Hoping off the buss, you start towards the school, but the familiar path is a blur as you try to rid Mark from your mind. He doesn’t fit into any of your plans and isn’t one of the “minor inconveniences”. Your relationship with Mark ends at the school gate. As you approach that gate, you find your son standing there talking with Minnie and a few of his other friends. When he notices you, he says his goodbyes and heads towards you. “How about a hug today, kiddo?” You hold your arms open wide, and after a moments hesitation, he walks into them. Squeezing him tight, you breath deeply. “You know I’m the only kid my age whose mom still hugs him?” He mumbles into your shoulder. “That’s either because they don’t want to be hugged or because their moms don’t love them as much as I love you.” You reply, releasing him. He gives you a look, causing you to chuckle. “I was thinking BBQ for dinner tonight. What do you think?” “Really? Yes! Let’s go!” He starts off down the street before you can change your mind.

Sitting at the table waiting for the waitress to bring your drinks, you prepare yourself for the coming conversation. This move will affect him just as much as it affects you. He has a right to know what’s coming and to add his input. 

“Mom, what is it?” His question startles you and draws your attention to him. “What?” “You keep staring at nothing and sighing, and you said we could have BBQ tonight. Something is going on.” Your poker face never was the greatest. Nodding, you begin. “I’ve got some good news, but it could also be bad news.” He nods for you to continue. “My boss called me into his office today to offer me a promotion.” His eyes go wide, and he beams at you. “That’s awesome, mom! You’re the best worker at the company. You deserve a promotion. Why is that bad news?” “The promotion means we have to move.” “Where?” “Another country.” Silence. He stares at you, the joy from moments before washed away by this revelation. “Sweetie-” “Mom, we can’t move to another country. What about my friends and my school and our apartment, and everyone here. We can’t leave all of that.” His voice is a squeak, evidencing the boy he still is. He stares at you with those eyes, and you feel your inside crumble. “I know we would have to give up a lot, and I know that would be hard. But, there are a lot of good things that would come with the new job and the move. We would find you a new school, and you can make new friends. I would be making more money which means that we would be able to do more fun things like go on vacations and adventures.” “Would you be working as much?” You’d be working more. The answer shows on you face. He snorts, crossing his arms. “We won’t be going on any adventures. You’ll be too busy working, and I’ll be home alone with no friends.” “Kiddo, you’ll make-” His glare cuts you off. He’s angry, and he has every right to be. “I think we should both give this some serious thought, and then we can talk about it again.” His response is a huff.

Working with your sewing machine is a relief. If you had to struggle with the demon school machine, you would have gone on a rampage. The promotion has been dominating your thoughts, robbing you of sleep and leaving you peevish. You’ve weighed the pros and cons a thousand times and come to no satisfactory conclusion. Your son is firm in his resolution to stay and refusing to speak to you which irritates your aggravated state. You’re a toe stub away from a full melt down. 

A knock, knock on your work table draws your eyes to Mark who is standing above you with a two steaming mugs in his hand. “Tea?” He offers. While you should say “no” and return to your work because being around Mark isn’t helping your situation, you straighten, stretching the muscles in your back, and reach for the mug. The warmth spreads through your aching fingers, and you sigh as you breath in the tea’s earthy smell. The steam caresses your face, relaxing the muscles. “Thank you.” You mumble as you bring the mug to your lips. “You know even Okoye needed the help of the Dora Milaje when she took on Killmonger.” He states as he perches on the edge of the table. You snort, nearly spilling tea down your front. “What?” “Okoye is the greatest warrior Wakanda has, but she was still able to accept the help of her fellow warriors.” He says, taking a sip from his own mug. “I’m sorry. Are you using a Black Panther analogy to tell me that it’s okay to accept help?” You raise an eyebrow at Mark as you lean back in your chair. Mark smiles and shrugs his shoulders. “It got you to smile didn’t it?” The smile, he referenced, thins to a line, but you can’t keep the edges from tugging upward. “So it at least accomplished one of it’s tasks.” “And the other was to get me to accept help?” “To let you know that you can.” His eyes hold yours, and you feel yourself falling back through time to that day on your parent’s doorstep. The last day you had accepted anyone’s help. “Are you offering again?” Your eyes fall from him as you set the mug on the table, your fingers fiddling with it’s handle. “I’ve never stopped.” His voice is light, and you can hear the smile in it. But the words lay heavy on your shoulders. “Mark-” But you don’t know what to say after that. Does he want you to apologize? Do you want to accept his help? You don’t even know what you want?   “I hear congratulations are in order.” He says sparing you from your unfinished thought. “What?” “Your son told me that you’ve been offered a promotion.” Mark explains. The action shouldn’t surprise you. Your son has been attached to Mark since his first day of school. He’s the first solid male figure in his life. “What else did he say?” Mark pauses, his eyes drifting to a corner of the room. “You said it was okay to accept your help, Mark.” You don’t look at him as you speak, and the words burn on the way out. But you say them in the hopes of alleviating your ever mounting stress. “He won’t talk to me. I’d like to know how he’s feeling.” “He doesn’t want to move. He’s afraid he’ll be alone because he won’t have any friends and you’ll be too busy to spend time with him.” Your son is shy. A truth which you have buried as you’ve contemplated your decision. His fear is well-founded, and it rips at your chest. “You don’t think I should take it.” The irritation that’s been gnawing at you bleeds into your words, turning them from a question to an accusation. Mark holds up his hands in a gesture of surrender, and with a simple smile says, “I think you should do what you think is right.” He relaxes his arms, folding his hands on his lap. His smile and demeanor fit his words, supporting them, but his eyes don’t. His smile doesn’t reach them and an emotion resides in them which sets your heart racing. The emotions which you have been suppressing for years burst forth, and you find yourself asking, “How do you feel about this, Mark?” The question encompasses more than this moment and this decision. The question goes back years to when you were kids growing up in the same neighborhood. You ask him how he feels, but really you want to know why he followed you all those days, why he offered you a hand and a place to stay, why he was with your son at the principle’s office, and why he keeps showing up in your life. “I don’t want you to go.” The answer is simple and soft. No loud declaration or demand. “What?” “I’ve never wanted you to go, but I understand that just because I want you to stay doesn’t mean you should.” He smiles, shattering everything inside of you. “Why?” The question is pointless and self-serving, but you have to know, want to hear him say it. “Because I love you. I have since that first day I followed you on your wanderings.” Tears leak from your eyes, evidence of your wreckage within. “I-I...” You stutter as your brain shifts through the rubble for a response. “I have to go.” You stand up, grab your bag, and run like you did back then like you always do.

“It’s time to go.” Your son informs you. They’re the only words he’s spoken to you in the last week.

You catch his eyes in the bathroom mirror and give him a smile as you nod. “I’ll be ready in just a minute.” His lips remain a thin line as he turns and heads for the door. A sigh forces the air from your chest and slumps your shoulders. After a final check of your make-up, you head out of the bathroom and towards the front door where your son is waiting. He fixes his eyes on  the door as he waits for you to slip on your shoes, and he is out the door the second they are on. He keeps two steps ahead of you the whole way to the school. “How much longer do you plan to keep this up? If we move, are you never going to speak to me again?” “You’re going to take the job.” He whirls around to face you with tears welling in his eyes. Clearing your throat, you respond, “I didn’t say that. I just wanted to know.” “If I say ‘yes’, can we stay here?” Hope has replaced the tears, and you find it wrenches your heart more. “We should hurry. I don’t want you to be late.” You start to walk again, and your son plods along behind you.

The concert is beautiful. The costumes, the set, the singing. Everything turned out perfectly. But you notice none of it. Your attention is split between your son who whispers and giggles with his friends during each song break and Mark who directs the boys with a patient smile. 

Since the night he confessed, you have kept your distance from him, not even helping with the final set up for the concert. Mark never texted or called about your absence. He allowed you your space like he always does. Staring at the most important person in your life and the person who has always been beside you, you make your decision. The weight which has rested on your shoulders since your boss offered you the promotion lifts instantly. You exhale all the stress and smile as you sit back and enjoy the rest of the concert. When the last song is sung and the children take their bows, you stand up and applaud with the rest of the parents. Your son finds you in the crowd. His smile pushes his cheeks into his eyes, and he practically glows with pride. But all too soon, memory returns, and he whips his attention from you. You continue to applaud though until the children take their final bow and exit the stage. Leaving your seat, you head back stage to share your decision with your son. Before you can reach him though, you run into Mark. He freezes when he sees you, and you mirror the behavior. Clearing his throat, he nods to you and continues on his way. “Mark.” He stops. “Can I talk to you?” He turns his eyes finding yours. The way he looks at you stills your heart and stops your breath. He’s searching, and you wonder what he sees. Whatever he saw causes him to nod again as he walks towards you. He leads you to a small alcove which allows you both a modicum of privacy. Standing a few feet apart, Mark starts talking, “If this is about what I said the other night, I want to-” You hold up a hand stopping him. “I’m sorry.” You apologize, staring him straight in the eyes though your mind screams in protest. “I’m sorry I ran then and that I ran all those years ago. I tell myself that I’m strong and independent but most of the time I’m just scared. And I act out of fear. Even as I say all of this to you, I’m scared,” you release a shuddering breath but continue, “but I’m tired of letting my fear control me. I love you too, Mark. I’ve loved you since before I can remember.” The truth flies from your lips leaving you with only fear as you study Mark’s face. He smiles, not big and bright but small and sad. Watching him, your heart plummets. “What I said that night is the truth. I love you, but I know that just because I love you doesn’t mean I can stop you from doing what is best for you.” You blink as your mind works to unravel the meaning behind his words. His response was unexpected and unwanted. Searching his eyes, realization strikes. “The job. You’re talking about the job.” You chuckle to yourself which furrows Mark’s brow. “I’m not taking the job, Mark.” “If it’s because of me…” You both know the end of the sentence. You smile up at him, and yours is big and bright. “It’s not because of you. Well, it’s not fully because of you.” Your smile eases as sensibility asserts itself. “I would be lying if I said you didn’t play into my decision. “The truth is it really is an incredible job. It comes with more money and more opportunities. And for those reasons, I’d be a fool not to take it. But it also comes with more hours and more traveling which means less time I get to spend with my son. You pause, your eyes becoming unfocused as your mind travels back to your early years. “When he was little, and I was putting myself through that hell; I told myself it’ll be worth it. If I work hard now and put in the hours, when he’s older I won’t have to. I can have time with my son.” Glancing back up at Mark, you continue, “If I take this job, I’ll have lied to myself all those years. I only have so much time before my son goes off to live his own life. I want to spend all the time I can with him until that day. “After that day,” you shrug your shoulder, “I’ll take a job with money and opportunities and hours and traveling. So I guess, I’m not saying no. I’m saying not now.” “Not now.” Mark nods with a true smile. “Not now.” You repeat returning his smile. “So what happens now then?” “I wouldn’t be opposed to dinner.” You cock a brow. “I also like movies. Video games occasionally. They’re really good stress relievers.” Mark snorts and nods. “I’m free for dinner most nights. And I also like movies and video games.” “Do I get to go to dinner and the movies and play video games too?” Both of your heads turn to face your son who stands in front of the alcove, smiling up at you two with his hands clasped behind his back, a familiar glint in his eye. “How long have you been there?” You ask. “Long enough to know that you two love each other and we’re not moving.” He smiles up at you. You’re caught between wanting to scold him and wanting to laugh. “And you didn’t think you should announce your presence?” “No.” Mark laughs, and you glare at him, but he continues. Shaking your head, you rub your eyes. “I’m hungry. Are you both hungry?” Glancing between the two, you find them both agreeing. “Good. Then let’s go to dinner, and we can talk about all of this there.” Your son smiles wide and heads for the door. As you start to follow him, you feel a hand slip into yours. Mark meets your eyes and offers you a simple smile. You return the smile and fall into step with him as you two head after your son.