#reblab because important

[homoesia]

Since people seem to be reblabbing it like crazy today, heres the speedpaint for my twilight goodbye bsd fanart

tl;dr skk and chuuya rambling incoming

I've wanted to draw a what if rip Dazai scenario for a while and there were so many amazing works dealing with the immediate aftermath of a dazai death in ep 10, I kinda wanted to see what happens after that (or even just generally how would chuuya act if dazai succeeded in say, drowning himself in the canon timeline)

I wanted to see chuuya grieving, but not explicitly sad or angry. Chuuya is in the port mafia, so he's seen a lot of death, and he probably attends funerals and visits graves regularly, so he'd probably grieve in a more subdued way, especially if it's a while after the fact. Chuuya and Dazai have a complicated history what with bickering so much, but there were also moments when their hearts connected HAHA so I also wanted to express this sentiment from Chuuya's perspective.

My favourite part is the cigarette so starting from there: it's a pretense at normality and casualness. Chuuya is not just relaxing by a grave. He's feeling STUFF, and we know that no matter what soukoku say, they're important to each other. Normally, it would be rude to smoke at a grave, but this is Dazai and Chuuya's in the mafia and he can tell himself that he's having a cigarette because he's chilling and not because he needs to.

I was a little unsure whether he should take his hat off for Dazai or not because Chuuya's an incorrigible tsundere, but i figured he would, even if it's just out of habit when paying his respects.

Anyway, there's a general tiredness in the way he's supporting his head and resting his elbow on his knee and a bit of what the fuck was he thinking in his hand pressed to his forehead and a bit of 悔しさ in his expression. A sort of frustration and regret over something he feels some personal responsibility for, a kind of bitterness. Like he knows it's not his fault and Dazai is a scheming mackerel bastard, but he can't help but wish that things could have turned out differently.

This is all kind of in contrast to Beast Chuuya who didn't handle Dazai's death so well. I feel like canon Chuuya is a lot more stable in that regard and has already experienced so much personal loss (including losing Dazai as a partner).

Another thing is that nobody makes plans during twilight. Like you'll go out during the day or at night, but almost nobody decides to go out at sunset or sunrise. So he went to visit at a reasonable time but overstayed and twilight fell. Twilight is kind of very symbolic for like so many reasons but if I had to pick my favourite it would be the constancy of Soukoku's relationship in the context of Dazai's changing affiliations. Dazai used to be in the port mafia but then moved to the ADA, and Chuuya was there first and he's still here now even though it's twilight.

[be-good-be-safe-be-kind]

source

looking at these posts is kinda tiring. some pictures are bringing back memories, some are bringing up gut feelings, and others aren't quite doing anything. with some of them, there's a vague shape that the things could fit into but mostly there's confusion (which i guess explains the choice to use 👥 as a tag besides for 🦄). the english pile of gum doesn't look right, neither does this hebrew box, but it's splitting the difference of not being able to find a hebrew pile.

i can smell and taste these pictures, and i'm not liking them. the waxy paper folded around the waxy comic panels wrapped around the gum. the ridges and brick-ish feel of the gum, the sickly sweet smell not unlike pink strep medicine. biting off a piece and chewing, softening it before adding the rest of it to my mouth. hearing my stomach rumbling and trying to trick myself into thinking that chewing gum means eating food, and i can 'eat' this while saving food for the kids to eat because they would choke on gum. and also they needed a semblance of nutrients while i could just have sugared crap. and also also still thinking of them as 'the kids' when there's only a couple years between us and at the time wouldn't i have also been considered a kid? there's a sensation of holding these in my hands or pockets while being...somewhere, but i can't place it, but there's a feeling that wherever it is is important.

i don't really want to go looking for why. i don't really want to know these things. i'm ambivalent again about having this tumblr because it is nice to have an archive of thoughts/memories/whatever, and to have a place for fandom comments that are more personal than what i'm comfortable sharing on other tumblrs. but also it's probably not a good idea to be this personal? therapist is encouraging journaling, and saying it's good to be self-aware of the pros/cons/whatevers (and hearing that i'm self-aware is its own can of worms, like by default i've had to be aware of who i am because i have to be. if i can't figure out my thoughts and motivations and choices, i can't figure out how to act and navigate my surroundings, and i must be able to do that). i'm not even sure what prompted me to reblab this or why i even care about it.