#really one of those wth do I write into AHA I want to write every minute detail

[rainofcolours]

the exsanguination of my lifeblood for yours (4713 words)

[ (3/? clashes to ashes, trust to dust) | Kaijou/Puppyshipping | @hurtcember 2024 Day 3: Blood ]

Summary: In a world where not everything can be black and white, Seto repainted his chessboard in profusions of reds. Continuation of "hierarchy of collapse". (Myst's usual brand of hurt-no-comfort Kaijou; potential triggers in ao3)

Click below for a few preview paragraphs!

By the time Seto felt the temporary effects of his breathing meditation kick in, he had managed to string together the conclusion that Katsuya was either giving the dead a run for their money, actually dead, or had ran back to whatever dismal place he was renting this season. Insistent on not removing his arm, he stretched a leg out, padding softly across the grid of his hardwood floor. Expecting the probable contact with his slippers, Seto instead felt his foot tap against the crystal of his wine glass. The same one he had sequestered in an obscured corner – away from the persona he had spent a lifetime curating; away from the smoulder of accusations from flashing amber—

He removed his arm abruptly, eyes fixated on the lack of a presence he had not realised had melded into the normalcy of his routine. The rim of diaphanous burgundy at the fringe of his vision glinted tauntingly from the shadows.

That is none of your business, Jounouchi.

He shifted his gaze from his bed and surveyed the rest of his room.

A singular king bed stood starkly empty in its centre, flanked by a carved wooden desk and a single business chair. Since a year ago, its perpendicular edge was framed by a worn settee his occasional companion favoured – one Katsuya had finally managed to convince him to move over from his family home. The rest of his room was filled with empty walls and white lights, a staged set of still life; devoid of warmth, vacant of soul – did his space always feel this cold?

(Read the rest of the fic here!)

[heathered-beinn]

BTS American Hustle Life Ep 5

Episode 4 recap:  The first third of the episode was devoted to BTS doing chores; cleaning up their (absolute pigsty of a) dorm, doing laundry, food shopping. Afterwards they met the legend Warren G who took them on a tour of where he and a few other legendary rappers grew up. He comes across as a true gentleman and treats the band very nicely. His challenge was for each subgroup to write and record a song based on their lives. This allowed us to hear some of BTS’ thoughts about their experiences when joining the band. We (I) also learned more about each of the bandmembers personalities which hadn’t been so clear in previous eps and series.

All three groups came up with a great song and, while a tough call, Suga, V, and Jungkook won the challenge.

On to Ep 5!

So BTS is throwing party with Warren G; this will either be hilarious or a bit of a cringe fest lol but I’m glad Warren’s in a second episode 😊

Ooft that’s a fire and a half lol. Americans sure have got some bbq skills!

Aww poor Jimin wanting to get on with preparing the vegetables but Namjoon and V just keep eating them.

Lol at V challenging Jungkook to rock, paper, scissors and the loser has to eat an onion. Jungkook looks too calm and smug… and that’s why; V loses and has to eat an onion – and, ten seconds later, loses again. I wonder if it’s a running joke that V often loses at RkPS. These two are pinging me with a mix of brotherly and ‘partners in crime’ vibes.

Haha Jimin telling them both to do some work. He’s definitely coming across as more serious and hard working that in the first two series, bless him. Then he puts Jungkook in his place by beating him at rock, paper, scissors LOL. Jungkook is surprised!!

Jungkook and V then playing to see who the overall loser is and end up tying so they decide Jimin is the loser and make him eat some onion lol.

J-Hope, Jimin, V, and Jungkook playing around and dancing is the cutest thing <3

Oh my god, the sass from Jungkook rapping about Jimin being small (where did shy young Jungkook go lol??) and Jimin’s hilarious reaction of immediately trying to kick him <3 <3

Hahaha Suga and Jin trying to be sly about trying the bbq before the others and Jungkook calling Suga out on it. I love them getting Warren G to try Kimchi (Korean spicy pickled cabbage and other veg) and Warren G trying to act cool as the heat hits him.

Warren G asks about their lives and, wow, it seems that BTS spend a lot of time away from their friends and family. I get the feeling that even in Korea they work an awful lot and don’t get much down time. WTH? Jin has just admitted his family moved house quite a while ago and he hasn’t even seen it yet! That’s such a shame! It’s been 2 years since some of them have gone home?! OMG, that must be so hard, especially on the younger ones who might not have been ready to ‘leave home’ at that point. It’s clear they really do miss their families and some of them look close to tears talking about it, but I sense they don’t like to complain to the camera? They are such sweethearts and aww at Jimin saying he wishes he could take his parents to the nice places he gets to visit. Thank you Warren G for raising this topic and for talking about missing his own mother who died when he was in his 20s. You could tell that info hit some of them quite hard as many of them are close to that age.

 *********************************************

So it’s a brand new morning, what’s in store for the band now? Aha, Tony is in to wake them all up. Jimin’s like a toddler in his crib excited to be greeted by his parent. Everyone else is like a teenager and needs to be crowbarred out of bed. LOL,at J-Hope being carried into the living room and plonked down on the sofa still half asleep. Double-LOL at Jungkook being woken up on the couch like a baby by Tony gently shaking a stuffed animal in his face lol.

Awww, bless them, they’re still half asleep – it’s like me when I’ve been reading fic till 4am and the alarm goes off at 9!

Right, so the new mission is to make a music video full of hip hop spirit and swag. Hip hop music videos normally include a super car, a mansion, and dazzling accessories.

Ahahahahahahahahahahaha, the tutors saying BTS’s videos are good but there’s not a lot of girls. From what I’ve seen so far there is a good reason for that Tony and N(ate?)!!!!! <flashback to the awkward-as-hell elevator scene in Rookie King and every other female encounter since>

Do I need to gird my loins For some potentially cringe-worthy BTS-female interaction in the near future?

Oh jeez Tony, you’re going to make BTS go out and find girls and talk to them. Even BTS are groaning at the thought LOL.  

OMG, Tony and N are teaching them how to ‘approach girls’ and getting the lads to practice on them. This calls for some computer analogies

Hahahahahahahaha oh Jimin – smooth right up to when he needed to start the conversation and then: the operating system has encountered an error and must shutdown. RM did well until he hesitated in the convo and: this application is not responding. The program may respond again if you wait. Do you want to end this process. Yes. Jungkook surprisingly didn’t spontaneously combust but clearly had no clue how to chat anyone up (at least at this point). I mean, just going straight to “I like you”: this program has performed an illegal operation and will be shutdown. Quit all programs, and then restart your computer. If the problem persists, contact the program vendor. OMG, Tony and N just outright saying that V is the dumb blonde of the group!!!!!! I don’t know whether to insulted on V’s behalf or grudgingly admire their honesty cos…they kinda have a *teeny tiny* point… at least that’s how V has come across so far – maybe this changes as we get to know him more. OMG V, “nice watch, how much?” That’s like from a really bad foreign marketplace parody. *face palm*, can any of these lads act naturally with a girl? V-can-flirt-like-a-normal-human cannot be found ~ if the device is OFF, turn ON the device. Suga… he clearly wasn’t taking it seriously; The instruction at BE NORMAL referenced at ‘HOW TO TALK TO WOMEN’. The memory could not be written. Click on OK to terminate the program. J-Hope: The application failed to  initialize properly. Click Close to exit the program. Jin: This version of flirting is not compatible with the version of swag you’re running.

Ahahaha them in the car trying not to fret about how they haven’t really “talked to girls” before. To be fair, this challenge is quite (embarrassingly) heterosexual (and mildly sexist) but, then again, this series was shot a number of years back and hip hop, IMO, used to be a low representatitve of LGBTQIA+.  I do wonder if any of BTS are gay though, and, if so, if they knew at that particular moment? I’m aware of how Korean society views homosexuality and I can’t imagine if any of BTS are gay they would come out either while in the spotlight or before they’ve done their national service. Not that they owe anyone a public “coming out” – I could write essays on this and how dangerous it is to relate a celebrity ‘coming out’s to that of the everyday person. They both come with some specific pros and cons that don’t translate well to the other situation and can cause all sorts of danger. Anyway, I’m rambling now so let’s get back to the episode!

I think the story V tells really sums up BTS’s “girl skills”; when we were trainees, Jin-Hyung, Jungkookie (omg what a cute way of saying Jungkook’s name <3) and I did rock paper scissors to go and at least talk to a girl. We just told her she was cute, patted her head and left.

So they are going out in teams to pick up their girls for the music video. That might take some of the pressure off. Awwww at J-Hope cuddling Jimin in the car. 

RM and Jimin are told to get out the car first – lol at Jimin saying he’s nervous.

Okay, so RM and Jimin’s attempt went about as well as I thought it would LMAO. V, Jungkook and Suga are just as bad. This is quite painful to watch. Ahaha Jin and J-Hope manage to convince a lady – although, again, it was quite painful to watch. It’ll be interesting to see how good their success was the next day.

 Video shoot:

BTS arrive at the mansion for their shoot (same place 50 Cent shot one of his videos) and immediately go into ‘wide-eyed wonder and playful’ mode.

V rapping freestyle: From those seagulls that are flying high One of those got stuck to the moon And if they fall, they be stuck to our feet And that seagull with squirm like a human.

V, my lovely, even when we give some leeway to mistranslation, I think you better leave the lyric writing to maybe Suga or Rapmonster lol???!!!

Jungkook’s running a self-cam – I get the feeling he quite likes filming and being behind the camera rather than in front of it. Amusing for an ‘idol’.

Lol, BTS talking about their back up plan if the girls don’t turn up. They genuinely don’t think they’ve actually managed to charm anyone into actually turning up and if by some miracle they do turn up then it’ll be awkward LMAO.

Cute little interaction between RM and Jungkook as they agree it’s all so unlikely.

HAHAHAHAHA one of Jin and J-Hope’s ladies turns up – the others can’t believe it! My sides are aching from laughing at their expressions. Oh but then V, Suga, and Jungkook’s girl arrives too. I really think these girls were planted on the street to help the lads out but I’ll pretend that it’s all real lol. Ahahahaha Suga *hiding* with RM and Jimin so he doesn’t have to interact with the ladies. This band really doesn’t have any chill with the opposite sex.

Aaaand at the last moment RM and Jimin’s ‘girl’ turns up. Isn’t that such a coincidence that one lady for each group turned up… lol.

Interesting little remark there from Suga. When they go back to Korea they won’t be able to shoot music videos like these (presumably with ladies, bling, and the excesses that go along with the style of hip hop) until they retire? So is he openly admitting they have to act conservatively – or at least in a very specific way – in Korea until they retire (or at least end their contract)? Or is it that they won’t have the same opportunities/monetary funds to do videos like these?

Yeah, okay, those ladies are too chill at seeing Warren G. In fact, they are way too chill altogether – they’ve got to have been staged lol. I just don’t think BTS knew this was set up. I’ve kinda come to the conclusion already that some of them couldn’t act to save themselves.

Shooting time – all quiet on set!:

V was just doing his thing lol, poor Suga couldn’t even look at that woman ROFL – Jungkook actually did okay even though he was embarrassed and bright red (and sweating lol). I wonder what Warren G was thinking as he watched from behind the camera – if he is anything like me he would have been sitting there cackling to himself. LOL at Jungkook eating away his emotions. He’s definitely become a typical growing teenager; always hungry like a bottomless pit and yet no calorie seems to stick to his sides!

V!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Again!!! *Outraged noises*. Teaching the lady “Jimin is dumb” in Korean, how dare you lol. Poor Jimin.

Hey, J-Hope’s got the swag and looks like he’s the only one. Jin looks like he’s about to shit himself *crying with laughter emoji*.

Jimin and RM are surprisingly confident with their lady too! LOL at RM for getting in the way of the camera and frustrating Jimin.

Ah-ha! – Jungkook having the guts to pat his eldest hyung on the head – he’s gained confidence in leaps and bounds!

Final musings:

Yet another enjoyable episode – despite being a little cringy in places. It was hilarious to see how shy and genuinely inept the band was around women. I can’t wait to see how the video turned out in the end.

Some nice, but also sad, insights into the realities faced by the band. Some of them haven’t been home in 2 years and as most of them seem to be quite close to their families it must be very hard – especially for the younger ones who might not have been ready to ‘leave home’ so early.

Really looking forward to the next episode!  

[perfectionistincrisis]

Life these days!

Hmph :) So i have never..no let me write that in caps! So i have NEEEEVEEERRRRRRR (aha👌) felt this before. Like no, no its not cause i dont have a good vocabulary or something or like im not good with words or something, i mean those are not the reasons. But but i REALLY REALLY find it impossible to describe -IN WORDS- how much I feel for him. Like you know how somethings bugging you..Oh well everything bugs me.. And i DIEEE to tell him..But i cant🙃 So idk I just talk to myself maybe or like atleasr i have words i can use. But like those stuff are wordless. He means so much to mee.. And God!!!!!!! You have no idea how restless you feel when you have to keep such strong feelings suppressed within you! So normally I had some stuff to do. Like arranging my room, my clothes, my shoes, my stuff n all and i thought ill do them towards the end of vacation or in other words after my bro leaves which is like in 10 days but then i already feel like vacations ending. Now i dont mean that in a 'dramatic' way like you know, how your whole life every vaaction when its ending theres this sadness or happiness, well that depends. But like i mean there is some emotion you have towarss it and its like a "thing" like OH noo or oh yaaaayyy *dramatic* vacs almost over!!!!! Bleh -- yeah that ^ isnt there anymore. Cause like now im more of living life one day at a time. Like sure as hell i have plans/ dreams for future but when im 'living' a day at a time and you know that saying about how lifes a 'journey not a destination' - well ive been hearing it SO much since i was a kid. As in its such a mainstream quote that i just took it as something cheap and tacky w/o ever even realizing what it wants to say. I mean ok i do understand ehat it means but only now i can realize the 'depth' of it after experiencing life a bit. I think it means to say that life is ongoing, it will forever be until ofcourse we pass away. But like, then 'passing away' is the end point aka destination BUT nothing else before that is. So since passing away is certain we can ignore it and say that theres no 'destinatiom' in life. What we usually mistaken as destination are our 'dreams/ goals’ in life. But no, they are not destinations or end points. They are your targets. You want them, and yes you will adjust your life in order to focus and head towards your targets and youll be fighting for it and eventually you will reach it one day but. Your life will not end there. It does not end there. You keep living. New problems may come up. New targets will arise. So you see? Life is ongoing. May be these days youre living life but its not anywhere close to your dreams/ goals but BUTTTTT your life right now is also AS REAL as the life youre always picturing in your head. IT. IS. AS. REAL! so yeah life is ongoing. Its vacation now but yeah it wont be anymore and its not just the fact that it wont be vacation anymore but to add to that itll be SUPER hectic but yeah thats life and then before you know it therell be a vacation and then itll end and blaablaa. Life goes on!!!!! And you need to be okay with it and face anything that comes in your way with an open heart! I said face it. Means sometimes you need to accept, sometimes fight, sometimes struggle, sometimes cherish. Aha soooo ok lets get back to what i was sayin :3 Yeah so i mean its almost a month left, and for me i kind of feel like vac almost ending and i just dont really want to keep sruffs like cleaning and organisjng for the week before uni will start. So i did it this week. Also i kind of eat now. Like 'listen to my heartc typa eat. Like not apples and almonds and tea all day! So i also need to work out and so i decided this week i was going to focus on arranging my room, washing my scarves and all and my shoes and stuff and working out and eating and chilling. So well im not really done with it but its going ok. Also the reason i feel like vacation's almost over is because i finally came to know which 'rotation' i am going to start with in 4th year! So its like normally in 4th year there are 4 rotations. Surgery, Pediatrics, Internal Medicine and OB Gyne. So the females get the first 2 rotations that i mentioned above in semester 1 and the males get the last two. And in semester 2 females get last two and vice versa! Now within females/ males - you divide into 2 large groups. So 2 female groups - one starts semester 1 with surgery the other starts with peds. And similarly for males. So the whole batch is divided into 4 larges groups and at any time of the year all the 4 rotations are going on with different groups. Now lets talk about any ¼ group. So in that one group, theres roughly around 50 girls for example & they will start with lets say ‘surgery’. So now among those 50 girls, theyll need to make smaller groups of 5 members each so like 10 small groups of surgery. And now this 5 girls will be together for the whole rotation in the hospital. They go to see patients together. They meet the doctor together and everything. Only once a week there is ‘academic day’ on any specific day depending on your rotation and on that day all the 50 girls will have class at uni and like its a long day usually till 5 with many lectures by doctors. Aha so to summarize, that's how it all works! Now the thing is. People have preference. Like which rotation do you want to start with? Surgery or Peds? Haha Also, the thing is you dont get to decide! You just randomly form two big groups of equal number of girls and then they will assign a rotation randomly! But then people have preferences! Like some wants to start with surgery & some with peds. Now both has advantages & disadvantages! Surgery - ok this is hard! Its a fact, not my opinion! And it doesnt just end there! The doctors who teach surgery well let me rephrase..The “surgeons”! Well they're “surgeons” so they kind of expect you to know how everything works in the hospital right from Day 1 & they are less friendly, they teach less and expect you to know more! But if surgery is your 1st block how will you possibly know how things go in the hospital! So yeah you need to be alert always! Ok but the good side to starting with surgery is that since youre starting with it right after vacation youre all energetic and motivated and all and you can give it the attention and energy it really demands! But with time you seriously feel less motivated and its harder to study for uni! Well that is no excuse to slack off but then yeah in order to not slack off you need to work harder and harder! So thats the thing! Surgery is just easier to handle if started first but then the surgeons are the problem! Now peds. So yeah the things goods & bads of peds is the opposite of surgery! The doctors are extremely friendly and they teach but but peds is boring. Infact i personally hate peds and obgyne! So yeah! Now at first i wished i start with surgery but then with time I wanted peds. Cause like I really want to work hard for each and every block and so the timing of the rotation shouldnt matter! Whenever whatever comes, i have to face it and ace it! Simple as that. So if i start with peds I will also be able to start with friendly doctors and will have enough time to get to know how things work in the hospital rather than having surgeons who expect you to know everything on day 1! BUT BUT thats just my preference which switch from surgery to peds and anyways final say is not in my hands AND TO ADD TO THAT, more than what i preferred, i honestly left it more to Allah to give me whatever He thought was best for me. So like id say peds sounds good, but then I wouldnt like baaaaaadly want it and all like id be fine with either because im praying to Him to take care of it and help me through the entire path! Aha. So I got surgery! And i didnt feel bad even for a second. I mean. Oh surgery? Ok yeah cmon show me what you got!!!!!! :3 haha So yeah cause like now ik ill be starting eith surgery and then later peds. And like i mean just imagine like vacation started end of May and since then until beginning of this week youre completely clueless wth youll start the next year with and all is kinda confusing and then you finally know youll start with surgery. OHHHH! HOW COULD I MISSS THIS OUT. Like SURGERY!!! You GET IT????? Surgerys the REAL DEAL. i mean surgery is my thing. I never joined med school thinking ill be a ‘doctor’! I entered med school thinking ill be a ‘surgeon’ inshaAllah. AND it has never changed! So yeah! Now i never said it i think, but, i chose medicine because IN MY OPINION this is the most realistic way in which you are doing something for humanity which ultimately contributes to your religion i.e. to Allah and therefore for your own self for the Hereafter. I am aware that there are a zillion other ways to do so but i think this is number one on the list. Or if not 1 at least in the top 10! Now it doesnt end there. So first, i chose “medicine” for this reason. Now, yeah it doesnt end there. I want to be ‘involved enough’ in doing the job that i need to use to -use my own hands- to do so!!!! And thats nothing but surgery! Yeah! Thats basically what im about :):):) Aha okay so i started typing and then i keep talking talking talking and now idk what i wna say. Im all over the place looool Okayyy i need to go now! Just one thing i missed oh! Him. There's SO much of emotions stuck in me. SO Strong.. I dont think I have ever felt for him, or can ever feel for him AS MUCH AS I feel for him right now.. ❤