#reality: you'll never fucking believe what just happened with these twins

[imissthembutitwasntadisaster]

If my deadbeat dad came home and tried to get married to my brother's wife's twin sister I too would throw my hands up and take to the water frankly.

[impish-baby]

What would happen in the ‘home is where the heart is’ series if they think you were kidnapped, when in reality you just have a romantic partner?

Ohh good question, anon! (Cut cause this post is long!)

Jaiden is of the opinion that your partner is taking advantage of you once it's found out. He truly believes you leaving was forced or highly coerced into happening. In his mind, you are too naive and gullible to have a romantic relationship in the first place, so the fact that you're apparently in one is unacceptable.

(he still views you as a vulnerable child, unable to make decisions for yourself. Any way he looks at it, your partner is a fucking creep going after someone who doesn't know any better.)

He's itching to take a bat to their skull, and he probably will if no one holds him back. That bastard... manipulating his baby sibling? Using you? Jaiden will stop before there's any permanent damage at least.. not counting broken teeth

Clara pretty much thinks the same, although she isn't as uncouth as her son. You've never shown an interest in dating and know you've suddenly shaked up with someone? No, something isn't right here. Baby, won't you just come home with momma? You obviously aren't thinking straight, sweetheart... (it's so frustrating that now she seems to care..)

The twins (jack and theo) are a lot more grounded in reality. Jack understands that you're a young adult now and you want to explore, but he's still scolding you for up and leaving like you did. Come on, kiddo, you gave everyone a scare for what? Some date? Maybe mom and jaiden are right about you being immature...

(they both do try their best not to infantilize you, but they totally are. Theo kind of thinks you're living in fairytale land, far too childish to be in the situation you're in. Jack still sees you as the baby of the family, although he tries to act like he isn't constantly talking down to you)

Theo is... a little pissed if he's honest. Even if they understand you leaving, they really really do, you're coming home. If you think you can just run off in the night with your lover and everything will be fine and dandy, you're wrong. He knows you aren't stupid, but damm are your actions challenging that. How long have you even been dating? What was your plan if you broke up? God, kid..

Be a good kid, alright? You're still not going to get a taste of freedom for a long while, but hey, your "partner" will get to stay in one piece if you go without much of a fuss. (He's definitely going to let jaiden go at them for a bit, but you don't need to know that)

Marcus (yan! Dad) is actually pissed. He views this entire thing as you being a rebellious brat. You had everyone worried sick! There's no ifs, ands, or buts about it, you're coming home. He doesn't care if you scream or try to fight. One way or another, you'll be back at home like you should've been this whole time. He'll even threaten your little fling (and that's all they are to him, something temporary and unimportant). Your family has money, more than whatever you and your.. friend have managed to conjure up, and you know your father is a serious man.

[fazfacts]

HOT DAGA SENTENCE STARTERS

it's actually criminal that nobody has done this before. feel free to change as needed!

❝ If you don't like it, you can kiss my buns. ❞

❝ Oh, he looks all pissed off 'cause his hat's still gone. ❞

❝ Good, I'm glad he's pissed. ❞

❝ I hope he crashes into that wall. ❞

❝ Oh shit, he crashed! ❞

❝ Wow! They look like a happy couple. ❞

❝ She's not happy with his driving, I'll tell you that. ❞

❝ Oh, he's on fire, he looks like he's hurting. ❞

❝ What a horrible occurrence that just happened! ❞

❝ What the fuck? ❞

❝ He's gonna come back like Michael Myers. ❞

❝ I can't really tell what it is, but it went by real quick. ❞

❝ Why did you run from me? ❞

❝ I...I didn't know how to tell you, but...we have a son now. ❞

❝ Wait -- I'm so confused... ❞

❝ Hello, [name]. I'm your father, [name]. ❞

❝ Why did you try to shoot me and leave me for dead? ❞

❝ That wasn't me. ❞

❝ It's me, [name], your evil twin sister. ❞

❝ I won't have you two together. You know I love [name]. ❞

❝ Now it's time to die. Mount your crab. ❞

❝ [Name], step aside! ❞

❝ Do you remember where we were? ❞

❝ Who are you? ❞

❝ Nice to meet you. I love you. ❞

❝ Promise you'll never shoot me, [name]. ❞

❝ Let's cover ourselves in mustard and get craaazy! ❞

❝ I hope you never get eaten on the Fourth of July like my parents. ❞

❝ Your words are making me happy, so I am smiling. ❞

❝ Always love each other, no matter where your paths take you. ❞

❝ We are siblings, but also best friends. ❞

❝ Why would we ever fight? ❞

❝ I have seen it in my special dreams. ❞

❝ Let's go eat the rest of Amelia Earheart for dinner. ❞

❝ My funding...my precious funding... ❞

❝ It's all over now. I suppose I'll let myself rot. ❞

❝ I'm in urgent need of your services. ❞

❝ What a shame...I was so close. ❞

❝ That's a good hashtag. ❞

❝ Like my dear old dad used to say, there's no free condiments in life. ❞

❝ Most condiments are free, actually. ❞

❝ How dare you! ❞

❝ Please, respect my father. May he rest in peace. ❞

❝ This talk of your father seems very shoehorned into this conversation. ❞

❝ I'm your son! From the future! ❞

❝ Hoooly shiiit. ❞

❝ Why did you do it, [name]? Why'd you do any of this? ❞

❝ Because, [name], I'm straight-up evil. ❞

❝ That's bad for the fabric of reality and space-time, I think. ❞

❝ Okay, it's technically not murder or anything. ❞

❝ This is what you get. This is the law of the wild. ❞

❝ I can't bear to watch this inevitable carnage. ❞

❝ I just want a picture of this moment. ❞

❝ I need your help to avenge my death. ❞

❝ We're a family again! A real family! ❞

❝ That's a terrible name. ❞

❝ I'm pretty sure this is a trap... ❞

❝ A crow ate one of my eyes at the bank last Labor Day, by the way. That's why I have an eyepatch now. ❞

❝ Did it ever occur to you, [name], that I loved you and your mustache? Well, I don't anymore, and I see you've shaved your mustache, you idiot. ❞

❝ The day we broke up was the best day of my life. ❞

❝ I saw him do a magic trick once where he sat on his own lap. ❞

❝ I'm suddenly afraid my wife will leave me for him, but he's a nice guy, so that's okay. ❞

❝ Wait a minute, you weren't invited! ❞

❝ It's me, [name], and I'd like to welcome you to Hell. Time to die! ❞

❝ I am displeased! But that does sound narratively rich. ❞

❝ Will you press pause on your shit for five minutes? ❞

❝ I now have to imagine a thing I don't want to imagine, under any circumstance? ❞

❝ Are you proud of yourself? ❞

❝ But I cannot attempt to process that at the moment, for the fear of the emotional toll it would take on me. ❞

❝ How'd we survive? ❞

❝ Ooh, what a plot! ❞

❝ We could go back in time to stop it all. ❞

❝ No need to explain that, we'll remember it always. ❞

❝ Thank you for your service. ❞

❝ Enough talky-time, more spacey-time, idiots. ❞

❝ We threw them into a volcano. They're gone. ❞

❝ I don't negotiate with assholes. ❞

❝ I can't believe it -- I'm alive! ❞

❝ Oh, no, no, hey, c'mon. Nothin' to worry about here. ❞

❝ That doesn't make any sense. ❞

❝ My parents were very juicy and I am, too. ❞

❝ You...don't seem trustworthy. ❞

❝ Oh, I'm plenty trustworthy. ❞

❝ So what's your deal again? ❞

❝ Hm. Makes sense if you actually track the story, probably. ❞

❝ I wonder if Earth's tasty. ❞

❝ I'm not one for decision-making. ❞

❝ I'm both the mayor and the sheriff. ❞

❝ Don't worry, you will soon go to jail. ❞

❝ I want to get perfectly sane, haha. ❞

❝ You're getting more and more sane by the day! ❞

❝ Everyone's dying and the world is basically over. ❞

❝ Sometimes your life don't go exactly as you planned. ❞

❝ The fact that I doubted myself for even a split second is some military-grade bullshit. ❞

❝ It's me, [name], and I'm pissed. ❞

❝ I can't die, I'm beloved! ❞

❝ Question: what the hell's going on? ❞

❝ If you do anything dumb, I will kill you with my hat. ❞

❝ You didn't need to do that, by the way. That's cruel. You understand that? ❞

❝ I didn't ask to exist. In fact, I was very content not being. ❞

❝ Look, I'm sorry about doing you dirty. ❞

❝ We've got some things to discuss, you and me. ❞

❝ Ohhh, okay. We're both dead, then. This is for sure a place where we're both dead. ❞

❝ My last memory was me putting a goldfish in my mouth to make my children laugh. Then I choked to death. ❞

❝ Play shitty games, win shitty prizes, [name]. ❞

❝ I was so consumed with hate and anger that I lost sight of who I was. ❞

❝ Are you just, like, checked out of this conversation now? ❞

❝ I'm just a guy in a void. ❞

❝ I got murked and it chilled me out. ❞

❝ That's my catchphrase, now that I'm fun. ❞

❝ Tell you what, I hate this planet. ❞

❝ There's a small part of my funky, no-good heart that's like, "hell yeah." ❞

❝ Hey, you want some money? It's got my face on it. ❞

❝ The one thing I've always said is, "you can definitely trust someone who repeatedly insists that you can trust them," you idiot. ❞

❝ I'm the queen of deception and straight-up dirty tricks. ❞

❝ Game recognize game, however inferior. ❞

❝ I've just had a tremendously confusing dream. ❞

❝ I'm not in the habit of taking drinks from strangers. ❞

❝ But I'm beloved... ❞

❝ I. Don't. Caaare. ❞

❝ It's almost Friday, the day for kissing! ❞

❝ If you value your life, you might consider staying out of mine. ❞

❝ Is there any way we can put this all behind us? ❞

❝ Are you fucking kidding me? You shouldn't have asked that question. ❞

❝ Oh, thank God. I was about to flip my shit. ❞

❝ Full disclosure, no offense: you seem nuts. ❞

❝ My mind is so clever, some describe me as a God. ❞

❝ My name is [name], and I'm here to say: you'll soon straight-up die today. ❞

❝ I'm perfectly sane, so now it's time to play my funny little game. ❞

❝ Where'd you go to college? Detective school? ❞

❝ I'm gonna save your life for my own benefit. ❞

❝ I have no beef with you. You're clearly dealing with some stuff. ❞

❝ Don't worry, I will murder you. ❞

❝ I feel like you're not being receptive to literally any of my shit. ❞

❝ I was hypnotized for many, many years and frankly, I'm not too happy about it. ❞

❝ Well, you can't blame me for that. I'm dead. ❞

❝ I think you could maybe choose not to be complicit in the destruction of the universe. ❞

❝ Jesus Christ, take a breath. ❞

❝ If you don't stop this instant, I'm gonna hug you. ❞

❝ I feel like a happy sunshine person who always wins. ❞

❝ I feel as critically-acclaimed as I always do! ❞

❝ You should know by now, nothing exciting ever happens around here. ❞

❝ Hey, you ever think about what happens after we die? ❞

❝ Sorry for my dad being a dick all the time...and for following his orders without question. ❞

❝ I hate you and I'm glad you look all fucked-up! ❞

❝ Namaste or whatever. ❞

❝ I just wanna chill 'til I'm dead. ❞

❝ Whoa, okay. I think I'm gonna die. ❞

❝ Those were the bad guys! Why were you, like, chilling with them? ❞

❝ Man, you really pooped the bed on this one. ❞

❝ Okay, your tone is appropriate and I apologize. ❞

❝ I will miss you, [name], the biggest baller of them all. ❞

❝ I'd actually be double-dead, which is the worst kind of dead. ❞

❝ What can one do in the face of such monumental loss but breathe a weary sigh, for the world is a little quieter now. ❞

❝ Sometimes your death don't go exactly how you planned. ❞

❝ I tried the best I can, but I ain't got the stuff. ❞

❝ Frankly, life's been pretty dope. ❞

❝ I know life's been crazy, but believe me, you'll be fine without me here. ❞

❝ There's really no need to cry. ❞

❝ I know things seem kind of shitty and that the odds aren't looking pretty, but what's the point of quitting now? ❞

❝ I won't be here to see it, but you bet your ass that I believe that you'll still save the day somehow. ❞

❝ If I had a fuckin' bucket, then I got a hunch I'd kick it. ❞

❝ Sorry for the cursing, but I'm feeling worse and worse. ❞

❝ I don't wanna die, but I'm probably gonna die. ❞

❝ I'm dying now, just so we're clear. ❞

❝ Holy shit, this is it, I'm gonna die. ❞

❝ I'll see you later, pals, I'm outta here. ❞