#rb if u feel me
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ur highschool bully gojo was chefs kiss 💋 what do u think about them going to the same college and taking the same classes?? and the reader sitting next/talking to some other guy and satoru gets jealous?? arwahhhshdhshshs so many possibilities, i hope u continue writing it!!
hi nonnie !! thank you so much :) this is ur official part 2 ! i was struggling to think up some possibilities but this helped a lot :oo | read part 1 here ! -> cw: swearing, jealousy, i let it get fic length oops
(former) highschoolbully!gojo on the brain again… like. when you end up seeing him again however many months later, and you can tell that he’s changed. it’s not like its immediately obvious to anyone who doesn’t really know him like you (used to); but he’s a little softer-spoken and his smiles seem nine times more genuine. it’s not a hundred percent; the kind that really lights up his face instead of just barely falling short of his stark blue eyes, but it's something.
of course, you have nothing to base it off of, because when you do inevitably see him again it's the very definition of meet ugly.
college is a new frontier, but its also a clean slate. its your first time going into something so new without your old bestfriend at your side, but some faint flickering thought reminds you that it might be better that way. but the universe is against you from the very first day, when youre gettin yourself some coffee from the same chain you did the morning of that fateful presentation so many moons ago. you're too busy thinking to yourself what kind of strange parting ritual it is to relive your trauma to notice the lanky, white-haired boy who hits his head on the chiming bell over the doorway. people are giggling around you n sighing dreamily but youre too deep in the music pumping through your headphones to notice and your eyes are glued to the class schedule on your phone, trying to ensure you dont get lost on the first day when—
you blink and your ass is flat on the dirty floor of the coffee shop, and the first thing you register is that your stomach is soaked and burning. you'd spilled your coffee. it takes you a moment to realize, but when you do you're pissed. so you quickly get to your feet, trying to reign in what little of your ego you have left to give the offender who bumped into you a piece of your mind as you look up, then..
how unlucky do you have to be?
just like that, satoru's slid himself back into your life, after ramming through its locked gates. you forget that he always forgets the point of keys, both when it comes to his apartment (which you still have the spare key of in case of emergencies), and the door to your heart. to rub salt in the wound, the only thing that's stained with your coffee order are his shoes, which look like they cost three weeks of your old job salary, but it's all over your shirt. of course it is. because why not? make it look like you tripped and fell into a patch of mud on your way to the lecture hall and tack on an unwelcome reunion with your ex-bestfriend.
to you, it's like the cloud of gloom from your highschool youth has resettled over your head like a swarm of gnats on a dreary, hot summer day. the stars always seem to skew and misalign themselves for you. but for satoru, the stars have handed him one of those huge swirly lollipops that you only ever see being paraded about by toddlers. he recovers almost instantly, trading the burn on his feet and the way it sours your expression like he's just squirted pure citric acid into your throat for a pleasant burn of his own on his cheeks. but it's whatever. girls seem to like it when he blushes, for some reason. he won't question it, if it works on the only one he cares about.
he holds his hand out, ready to help you out like the good samaritan he's become— and it's like a real burn to his heart this time when you ignore it and stand up on your own, refusing to look up and meet his pleading gaze. might as well have taken an iron stoker right out of the fire and jabbed him with it. but he's gojo satoru! he won't be defeated by this one mere, maybe very significant reunion. he's got stamina.
so he offers to buy you a new drink, feels his heart sink when you shake your head (can't even spare a little 'no' in his direction), and talks enough for the both of you when you leave the dingy little store make your way down to campus and the lecture building. you clearly don't want to see him, but he ignores that in exchange to notice the way you shiver every so often. the previously searing-hot coffee that stains your shirt turns cold fast, and moisture n wind don't mix well. he wishes he could offer you some of his own warm coffee, no doubt sickeningly sweet, but he has some sensitivity now, apparently. so, in a brash moment, he decides to take his blazer off and drape it over your shoulders instead.
when you cross the threshold between city and campus, you expect him to yank it off your back and be on his merry way. but he keeps walking next to you, so you walk a little faster, and you absolutely loathe the cheeky little grin that curves the corners of his lips up to show a glint of teeth when he effortlessly keeps up. you curse his long legs when you find yourself winded, but at least you can lose him when you get there.
or, that's what you think. once again, your constellations break themselves to rebuild anew for satoru. you're about to call him a stalker when he follows you all the way to your classroom with that smirk that's growing exponentially until— oh, no.
your phone that's been on the schedule up until now desperately scrolls to the roster— and there it is. he's in your class. needless to say, not another word goes between you as you stomp in and take a seat. luckily for you, you've already corresponded with your roommate's brother (who's annoyingly cute, satoru notices) and agreed to sit next to each other. satoru takes the seat right above you and never stops kicking his freakishly long legs against the wood the entire time.
so yeah, it's obvious he's not a saint; he still has that undoable ego and he's cocky as fuck (as you have the misfortune of finding out when he quickly bullies your professor), but there's a certain familiarity in that no matter how ugly it might appear to others. and if you asked (which he really, really hopes you will someday), he doesn't hang around douchebags who use kids' foreheads for ashtrays and treat girls like they're candy from a glittery pez dispenser. and at least he's switched harassment targets. even though he has an overwhelming sense of superiority over others and never has his lips together for more than five seconds, and even though he has this hellish habit of clicking his pen whenever he's not talking (or when someone else is), it seems like he's changed.
and over time, you gradually find yourself warming up to him. the spunkiness that used to get on your nerves ceaselessly becomes an object of endearment, and you don't really mind the way he never seems to stop moving anymore. it's a nice sort of distraction in the lifeless still of the lecture hall, albeit the pen clicking still drives you near insanity. you notice he always does it obnoxiously and quickly when you're talking to your roommate's brother, but you ignore it.
and for satoru? he hates that he can kinda sorta really tell that you're the only one who can read him like he's a damn book, cus you slowly start to soften up in the nostalgia of his presence like cold playdough between warm fingers that tell you he may have finally caught you again after letting you slip the first time. and he notices it. this time, he's determined not to let you be the one that got away again. but youre really giving him a shit time outta it with the way you constantly entertain the guy who always has his breath in your face.
yeah, he's got a cute face that's sunkissed by freckles. yeah, his hair looks like he models for shampoo companies. and fuck, he has a nice voice. but what of it? satoru's the one with the mesmerizing blue irises and the cloudy white hair your professor wishes he had instead of sad little wisps of old age. still, as chilly days turn into frigid weeks, he gets the perfect backseat angle of the growing relationship between the two of you. the boy's kinda dumb so you copy off of satoru’s work when you need to (he has to hide the 1-0 scoreboard between him and the guy on a sticky note from you when you take his notes), but said guy’s always buying you stuff and lending you erasers and laughing when you flick the shavings at the annoying girl who never stops whispering in the front of the room.
satoru tries to act unbothered, and he almost convinces everyone. including himself. but the angry, burning knot in his chest that's entirely different from coffee stains suggests something more. that should be him at your side. him, making balls of paper with rude scribbles and silly doodles to throw at the people he knows you don't like. him, surprising you with little gifts and the cheap trinkets he knows you adore so much instead of all the luxury things he could afford. there's no way this punk could possibly measure up to him, right? but at least you and satoru are well on your way to becoming friends again. not as close as you used to be, but it's something. substantial. and he's learned to be patient in the time you've been gone.
but he'd be lying through his teeth if he said he wasn't tired of it. he’s endlessly plagued with thoughts of increasing intensity— first, it starts out with just you. only you. the way he likes it. the way he likes your face, and your pretty eyes and your gorgeous lips and your soft hair and your figure and the complimenting clothes you wear. but it takes a turn; thoughts turn into dreams that turn into fantasies and he's lying when he says he doesn't enjoy them when he accidentally lets it slip during a group study session— and it’s all fine— but then, that guy appears. the brat who seems to sit a centimeter closer to you with each coming day. not only does he haunt satoru in real life, he’s tormenting his dreams, too. tainting the image of beautiful you.
needless to say, satoru starts to wake up with his hands gripping his damp pillow like he's choking it, acutely aware of the sweat sliding down his neck and over his chest as he stares up at the ceiling, listening to the dorm's air conditioner run and thinking of what it'd be like for dreams (the ones where he replaces the boy) to become reality.
it's a buildup. and soon, he reaches the apex; it's like a rollercoaster, that stomach-twisting moment when you reach the top of the rail that points to the steep descent downward. but this time, he hopes it's a thrill he gets instead of the usual falling fright; the one he got when he realized he’d slipped between your fingers in highschool.
and satoru finally comes to a grinding halt at the top of the ride one breezy fall day when he decides he wants you back in his life after you smile brightly at him and wave goodbye for the day. he’s tired of you having one foot in and one foot out of his heart; he wants, needs more. he always has, he realizes.
so he’s thinking about you and how to approach the feelings he’s realized during those long lectures, and one morning he comes up with some semblance of a plan when he’s high on the sugar from the fruit tea you bought him that morning. and he hopes that, by the end of it, he'll leave your apartment with your hand in his currently empty one, chilled with the remnants of cold condensation from the bottle.
soon enough, satoru finds himself extinguishing his nerves and raising a tense fist to knock on the door with nothing but the clothes on his back and a flimsy plan to ask you out on a midterm study sesh and maybe even a date, but he stops when he realizes it’s slightly ajar. a brief thought of what look might be on your face when he surprises you crosses his mind, so he lets himself in quietly, because he knows every single floorboard that creaks like the back of his palm from his childhood. he’s hit with a wave of warmth and an achingly familiar scent that twists at his heart, and your apartment is cozy and safe and it screams you and he thinks he catches sight of his jacket slung across the back of the couch in your living room, but he’s not sure so he takes a step forward and—
he’s greeted with the sight of that stupid guy with the nice hair and the freckles, and it makes his heart drop. but even worse, he’s kissing you and his arms are winding around your waist but you’re kissing him back with a slight hesitation that’s blinded to satoru by his shock and the fingers he thought would end up in his own tonight card through the boy’s hair and your lips glisten with the strawberry-kiwi flavored gloss he watched the boy give you a few days back and his world is turning red and he feels like his throat is constricting and he can’t breathe—
and he doesn’t even realize you’ve parted lips and you’re calling his name through the newfound tightness of his chest and the painful ringing in his ears thats even louder than any silence of a lecture hall, or the void that should’ve been filled with your voice during the time you were apart. but now satoru realizes he’d take that any fucking chance to have that again because it’s so much better than what he’s stuck with now. having you, but not really having you, because you’re there but you’re someone else’s and you’re not his and he isn’t yours. the best thing he could ever hope for was for you to own an article of his clothing and a piece of his shattered heart, broken into a million fragments. some cruel voice in his buzzing head reminds him to change the scoreboard to 0-100.
and he could buy you cheap hot coffee or earn your smiles from scrunched up paper balls or even hear your laugh with crude jokes, but there’s no point when he realizes he can’t buy you with caffeine or earn you with hitting the back of people’s heads with his bio notes or have you and your laugh all to himself anymore.
it’s almost pathetic, the way satoru’s voice cracks and changes. the look of unadulterated concern on the face of the boy who stole your lips just adds fuel to the fire.
“gojo? what are you doing here— hey, are you okay? you look like you’ve seen a ghost.”
he noticed you’d stopped calling him satoru a few weeks back. he should’ve seen it coming.
“huh? oh, yeah. i’m good. i think you’re the one hallucinating.”
he’d never told a bigger lie in his life.
satoru had left after excusing himself for intruding. how very unlike him to be so polite, you think.
so in the end, he leaves your apartment with something in his hand, after all. but it's not your own— just his blazer that you’d given back to him before he stepped out the door, taunting him with the faint scent of coffee and lingering perfume. his hope was foolish, so it seems. it’s too bad, he thinks. if it were him, he would’ve sandwiched you against your counter while he kissed. but it wasn’t. apparently, it was your turn for your stars to align at the price of his.
and so, gojo satoru, the boy force-turned man with a chipped ego and a completely broken heart, loses you again.
bonus bonus.. part 2….
#here u go. yes!! u!!!!!! sorry it got long#thank you guys for the reception on the last part literally checking tumblr religiously the rbs and comments made me feel like floating#yea hes a hopeless loser srry i dont make the rules#ABND I TRIED TO HOLD HERRR but there was nothing i could do to stop her from cutting her beautiful blue hair off 🐐🐐#gojo satoru#gojo angst#gojo satoru x reader#gojo satoru x you#gojo x reader#gojo x you#satoru gojo#jjk gojo#gojo jjk#satoru gojo x you#satoru gojo x reader#satoru gojo x y/n#gojo satoru x y/n#jjk x reader#jujutsu kaisen x reader#jjk angst#did not proofread b i hope it’s good 🙇♂️🙇♂️#actually i j realized the coffee campus intro part is similar to another fic i’ve read sorry if u noticed that it was on my subconscious 😞#billet-doux
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NO MORE ASSOCIATING THINGS WITH FEMMES ONLY BECAUSE THEY ARE PINK!HYPERFEM FEMMES ARE GREAT AND I LOVE YOU CAMPY FEMMES WHO EMBODY PINK BUT ALSO JESUS CHRIST CAN YOU GUYS NOT GO MORE THAN ONE DAY W/O TRYING TO SHOEHORN FEMMES INTO BEING ONLY PINK UWU BABIES. I AM FEMME AS IN GRASS AS IN DIRT AS IN TREE BARK AS IN WEEDS SPROUTING THROUGH THE SIDEWALK CEMENT. FEMME AS IN GENDER NONCONFORMITY AS IN FUCK YOU MY FEMININITY IS WHAT *I* SAY IT IS. FEMME AS IN DEPTH AND DARKNESS AND WARMTH AND TERROR. FEMME AS IN CAVES. FEMME AS IN LIGHTNING. FEMME AS IN AN AMALGAMATION OF TRAITS THAT I HAVE DECIDED ARE FEMININE REGARDLESS OF WHAT SOCIETY SAYS. FUCK IS IT THAT HARD TO UNDERSTAND?!???
#personal#i am emotional yes#over the years ive had this blog I've made a few posts abt being femme#nd whether they're serious or jokey..... inevitably someone in the tags goes “ohhh yeah bc pink”#or in the case of what inspired this post: someone going “what about the pink ones” on my praying mantis post#and im just.#sick of it. im sick of femme being equated to pink and frilly girlie behaviors.#im sick of femme being equated to skirts and heels. to makeup. to skincare. to pristine nails exactly almond shaped.#im sick of ppl acting like All femmes aspire to this shit. im sick of femms being reduced to this shit.#and i love pink! i love pink! my phone theme is quite literally just black and pink all over.#im just. so tired of any expression of Femme identity being shoehorned into being a Specific type of femininity#especially as someone who DOES get dysphoric wearing skirts. wearing dresses. embodying the femme aesthetic yall are so set on making#if u guys wanna rb this i truly dont care#i just needed to scream#and this is one small thing#but the 2nd largest category of anon hate i have gotten since making this blog is str8 up homophobia from other “queer” folks#saying i cant be femme bc of how i present. calling me slurs (and using them as such) bc they cant understand femme as anything but that#my wife and i have our users in our personal discord server set as 2 different things of anon hate ive gotten#i have had OTHER FEMMES tell me i am not femme. femmes who Know im femme who still call me butch. femmes who ive corrected and been blocked#-by bc of it. the number 1 largest demographic of queerfolk who have me blocked rn is TME femmes who embody pink also#and i dont think its a coincidence at all. (and i know this bc i go to try and follow these ppl bc they get rbed on my dash & i cant)#and ik their blogs arent deleted bc some of them don't block my wife (tall. white. butch) and it cant be politics cause her and i rb#a lot of the same political shit (fuck. i think she rbs More than i do even. this is genuinely mainly a nsft blog)#and usually i don't say anything but im having a bad day so i get to be angry about this and if anyone fucking tries me i will block u#idc if we've been mutuals 4ever. im judt so tired of feeling like i am not Enough as a femme bc i dont embody this shit#im sick of this lameass lip service to he/him gnc femmes etc when the thin white 50s housewife femme is still what is preferred and loved#im sick of this lamesss lip service when y'all feel entitled to theorizing on other femmes genders bc u cant conceptualize a femme who does#wanna be hypetfeminine. im sick of it. im sick of it. im sick of it.#celebrity bun
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Ghostlight prompt: Danny and Duke being childhood friends, but Danny tells Duke the moment the accident happens and such cause he trusts him, only for Danny to go radio silent when giw decide to block the town communications in senior year.
So Duke-does he tell Danny he's Signal or not? Up to you-gets worried the longer no contact goes by.
Maybe the away game thing seen in other posts where the sports team still does away games and Danny gets enough good will with star or dash maybe and they send a message to Duke that's some coded phrase and Duke knows shits going down?
(yourlocalcorviddad, it's a side blog so didn't want to send from main sorry)
Danny is not someone who is on his mind a lot, these days. It’s to be expected, considering how distance and their double lives eat up all the time they have to talk. Really, it’s a miracle that they were able to speak enough to learn about their own individual vigilante work, especially with Duke bouncing around foster homes for a good portion of that time.
They haven’t spoke in months but that’s normal for them.
Duke thinks he can be forgiven for not knowing something was wrong. He still won’t forgive himself for it.
“Danny’s gone?” he repeats, feeling numb. There’s static ringing in his ears, his entire world hollowing out.
The guy in front of him looks grim, unable to meet Duke’s eyes. Did he introduce himself? Duke can’t remember, can’t keep his spiraling thoughts straight in his head. “He’s gone. His entire family is gone and we haven’t been able to call for help because… well…”
“It’s those guys, right? The ones in white?”
“You know about them?”
“Danny told me. Danny told me a lot about what he did in Amity Park.”
The guy lets out a slow, relieved breath. “Good, then I don’t have to explain. Sorry, it’s just that it’s not something we talk about, especially out in the open. After the last few months, things got really bad. We know the GIW took the Fentons, but we can’t find out how or why and they’ve got us on a tight lockdown.”
“Then how did you get out?” Duke asks. Another arguably more important question pops into his mind a second later. “Actually, how do you know about Danny and… you know. The other things.”
The grimness on the guy’s expression fades away some beneath the sudden shame and embarrassment. “Oh, that. Well, I dunno how much he told you about his, like, daily life, but, um. I’m Dash. Baxter. I bullied him?”
Dash.
Dash. That’s a name he recognizes.
Danny’s complained about Dash a lot in the past. Since they were in middle school, really. Duke would always get mad on Danny’s behalf about how terribly he’s being treated, how no one would stop such obvious bullying. And every time, Danny would laugh it off and say in that soft voice of his, It’s alright, Duke, really. Having you care is more than enough for me.
It never stopped the bullying, though, but the way Danny talked about Dash changed when they both entered high school. He was still annoyed about everything Dash did, but there were less insults about him, less venting about every little thing that pissed Danny off about him, as if he just didn’t care anymore.
And there is, of course, the most memorable time Danny called Duke about Dash over the summer.
Hey, Danny, Duke had began, only to be cut off by Danny yelling, I kissed Dash?! Or he kissed me?! What am I supposed to do now!
And Duke, despite the jealousy he felt at hearing that Danny and Dash kissed, laughed so hard he cried while Danny yelled at him to be helpful.
There wasn’t any discussion on Dash since, beyond a comment here and there about a funny fanboying thing Dash had said about Phantom. The focus of their conversations shifted towards how hard it was to be heroes or vigilantes, quiet reassurances that they’re both doing the best they can, tips traded about best ways to patch themselves up and get through the night. Sometimes, it felt like Danny was the only person in the world to really know Duke; all his pain and promises, his dreams, everything he was Before and who he became in the After.
He’s missed Danny, but the last message Danny sent him told him that things were getting rough in Amity Park, and to not call or contact him until he reached out first.
So Duke trusted in Danny and focused his attention in Gotham, putting his all into becoming a better hero, someone people can rely on.
He thinks that maybe he should have fallen into the Bats’ bad habits of invading privacy to make sure Danny’s okay.
Too late for that now, though.
“I know you,” Duke says after a long moment. “He talked about you sometimes. Come with me, we have a lot to discuss.”
Dash looks appropriately nervous, but he doesn’t argue.
It’s a tense, quiet walk to the library where Barbara works. She’s stationed at the front desk when he arrives and greets him with a smile, eyes flicking towards Dash in question.
“Hey, Babs, got a private study room open?”
Her gaze sharpens and Duke can’t help the feeling of relief that flows through him, knowing that Oracle is ready to look out for him. “Let me check,” she says, turning towards the computer to click around a few pages. “Study room 8 is open.”
That’s the study room with a working lock and soundproofing. It also has cameras and a mic inside, but all the other study rooms have one too, just for safety purposes. Things could always go terribly wrong when people are locked together in a small room, and having video and audio evidence of what happened has assisted in more than a few cases.
He leads them up to the second floor, past the students studying and the group of young children in the back corner of the library listening intently to a read aloud.
The only occupied study rooms are those up front, closer to the stairs. The back rooms are empty and quiet, the perfect place for a little impromptu interrogation.
“So,” Duke says as he closes the door to study room 8 behind them. Dash sits down as if this is just a casual conversation, but the way his foot taps against the floor betrays his nerves. “Danny’s gone. And somehow, that lead you to me.”
Dash glance around, then leans closer to drop his voice into a harsh whisper. “The Guys In White got some insane upgrades a few months ago and forced every citizen of Amity Park into a surveillance state. The entire Fenton family is gone, but we all know it’s really because they want Danny.”
“Explain the situation in Amity Park some more.”
“Well. It’s like this: we didn’t take them seriously, so they upped their moves and got us trapped. No one goes in or out of Amity Park without good, verifiable reason. We have a curfew and we can be randomly stopped and searched for ectoplasm or exposure to ghosts. Most of the ghosts have left, but a few of the stronger ones hang around to cause trouble to get the GIW off our backs for a bit.”
“So how did you end up in Gotham?”
“I was invited to tour the college. And since outsiders were expecting me, the GIW let me go. But there’s definitely some that tailed me to Gotham, but I can’t find them at all. Even talking to you now is a huge risk for me.”
Which means they don’t have much time to talk before someone comes looking for Dash. His words, paired with everything Duke’s heard from Danny, paint a deeply unpleasant picture in his mind. “Are you going to be in trouble?”
“Nah, I’ll be fine. It’s Danny we’re all worried about. He told me before he got caught that if anything happened to him, I should find you. Tucker helped us narrow down where exactly you are and sent you that text to get you to where we met.”
“What do you think I can do?”
“I don’t know,” Dash admits. “But Danny trusts you, and he needs your help.”
Duke was never going to say no to this request to begin with, but damn if those words don’t make him want to run to Amity Park without waiting for anyone else.
“Okay,” he says. “Okay. I’ll help rescue him and bring down the GIW. You should go now, before they get too suspicious.”
“What are you planning?”
“I got a couple of friends who are good at destroying government property. Trust me, you’ll see what we’re up, we’re pretty noticeable if we’re pissed off enough.”
“Don’t take too long then,” Dash says, standing up, “I expect a good show from you. See you around, man.”
And with that, Dash pats Duke’s shoulder and leaves the study room. Duke doesn’t follow after him. He’s got a rescue to start planning, and the less time he wastes, the better.
In the end, it’s pretty simple. It’s not a hard mission at all when the time comes for them to act, but the amount of data they gather and have to shift through is daunting. But that’s more Tim and Barbara’s forte, so he trusts them to handle it.
Together with Red Robin, Spoiler, and Black Bat, they hit Amity Park hard and fast.
One night was spent learning the lay of the land and every station and lab set up by the GIW. The second night was spent burning it all down and tossing open cages full of green blob ghosts and a few transparent, weakly glowing human ghosts. Stronger ghosts, glowing brightly, joined them in a few places with battle cries and maniacal laughter.
They split up and took down all the bases and patrol stations on their own, sweeping through the city like vengeful shadows.
By dawn, the GIW were in shambles, without any bases or equipment, and rounded up for arrest.
Cass was the one to find Danny and his family; his parents were forced to create weapons for the GIW under threat of Danny and Jazz’s torture. Danny was locked up like an animal and studied. Jazz had restraints on, including a muzzle, and a bloodthirsty rage in her eyes. Apparently, she had put up the most fight and, while being studied for repeated exposure to ectoplasm and radiation, started biting people.
The Fentons are big names in this conflict. Tim makes the executive decision to burn one of his out-of-state safehouses so they can hide and recover in peace, then promptly moves them into it as soon as the EMTs give them the all clear. They’re gone by the time the sun is rising over the horizon, and the curious Amity Parkers that have gathered behind the blockade of police cars have to be reassured that the Fentons have been taken away for their protection, not for further abuses. Even then, tensions are high and the locals are clearly prepared to start rioting now that they have a chance to fight back.
As vigilantes, they’re not meant to interact with cops much. Perhaps it’s simply their experiences in Gotham that keep them at a distance, disappearing into the neighborhood the moment attention shifts off of them. Either way, Duke is hurrying out of Amity Park with the rest of the team on his heels, eager to return to Gotham and follow up on their own leads to make sure the GIW is properly gutted and dismantled.
Duke heads off for the Hatch as soon as they reach Gotham, hoping to shed the suit and finally be able to call Danny. The guilt of not noticing how bad things had gotten rolls through his stomach, and more than that, he’s missed hearing Danny’s voice.
The first few calls go straight to voicemail. Duke leaves a quick message asking Danny to let him know how he’s doing as soon as he can talk.
Then he goes for a shower and to change into civilian clothes, prepared to make his way to Wayne Manor to let Bruce know how everything went. And hopefully distract him from his Disappointed Father/Leader Lecture about taking on missions behind his back, as if Duke can’t handle himself. And also because Bruce has no leg to stand on when it comes to this. He’s fully prepared to throw that entire lecture back into his face at a moment’s notice.
The post-mission exhaustion is hitting him hard and fast. Duke has to brace himself against the wall once he’s out of the shower, resisting the urge to just lie on the floor and sleep there until he starts feeling more human.
Somehow, he gets himself into some sweatpants and a plain shirt, pulls on a pair of mismatched socks, and begins gathering his things so he can get to the Batcave.
He’s in no state to be driving. Maybe someone would be willing to take him there?
Just as he reaches for his phone to thumb through his contacts and see who he can bother, it buzzes in his hand. Duke blames the way he jumps on his exhaustion, then blinks his tired eyes to squint at the name that pops up onto the screen.
Danny.
All at once, his exhaustion fades away. A rush of adrenaline runs through him as he scrambles to accept the call, already pacing around the room so he doesn’t fall asleep.
“Hello?”
There’s a moment of silence, then the exhale of a breath that turns to static over the call. “Duke,” Danny’s tired voice says. “Duke…”
“You doing okay? I couldn’t get to you before you and your family had to leave and go into hiding, but I’ve been worried about you, man.”
“I’m good. We’re all fine, now. Fentons are strong, you know? We’ll bounce back in no time.”
From what he’s heard about Danny’s family, that’s most definitely true. He’s seen the pictures of walls Jack Fenton has burst through with his body. It’ still hard to believe that no one in the family is a meta, outside of Danny.
“You need anything? I can get it to you, just say the word. Anything at all.”
Danny hums, then asks with a playful note in his voice, “Anything?”
“Anything.”
“I need you. How fast can you come meet me? I’ll even pay for express delivery.”
Duke laughs, so relieved at hearing the lightness return to Danny’s voice that he feels weak in the knees. “It’ll be at least two days. I gotta sleep and debrief with Batman before I can see you. It’s gonna take some time to get out of Gotham again.”
“Maybe I can go to you, instead,” Danny suggests. “Fly over and be there is less than an hour.”
“Are you in any shape to be flying right now?”
“I’m fine! Already healing and everything,” Danny insists.
“It might be dangerous if any rogue GIW agents go after you.”
“Well,” Danny says, “That’s why I need to get to my knight in shining armor sooner rather than later, right?”
Duke bites his lip to fight back a smile, blinking his eyes forcefully to keep them from closing under the heavy weight of exhaustion. “Does that make you a damsel in distress?”
“I mean, I did need rescuing, so I guess? I’m not much of a damsel, but I could put on a pretty dress for you. It’ll be like playing pretend when we were kids.”
“Oh, man, I kinda miss those poofy dresses. I think I could still rock on, put it on top of the armor when I go out for patrol.”
Danny snickers. “Signal: the most well dressed vigilante in Gotham.”
“That’s me, baby!”
The last of the agonizing fear that’s choked him since he first talked to Dash finally melts away. Danny’s fine now. Everything’s okay; the GIW are done for and there’s plenty of people willing to look out for the Fentons. This will never happen again.
“Hey,” Danny says, voice suddenly turing more serious. “Send me your location. I wasn’t joking when I said I could fly over to you. And before you say anything! I do need it; Jazz and my parents are smothering me and I just need to get away from everything and pretend all of this never happened.”
The admission softens Duke, makes him shove away everything that tells him this is a bad idea, that Danny needs more rest first, that having Danny fly over alone and without warning any of the Bats fills Duke with anxiety.
He does miss Danny. More than he can put into words.
“Yeah, okay,” he says at last. “Come meet me, Danny.”
He texts Danny the location of the Hatch before common sense tells him to be more careful with his base of operations. Not that it matters, anyways; if there’s anyone in the world he trusts with everything, it’s Danny.
Then he sends the Bats a quick text saying he’s crashing in the Hatch and to not bother him until the sun is fully up two days from now. Oracle gives him a thumbs up emoji, which is a good guarantee that she will personally see to it that no non-emergency messages interrupt his rest and recovery time.
Duke has no idea how long it will take Danny to get to the Hatch, so he putters around, cleaning up the space and straightening it out in an attempt to keep busy enough that he doesn’t crash. Travel really takes it out of him. It’s one of the cons of being born and raised in Gotham: he doesn’t have the stamina to travel outside of it, especially when they were there and back in less than three days.
Thank god for Tim’s many motorcycles and his tendency to see the speed limit as a weak suggestion that can be ignored while on a mission.
Ultimately, the call of sleep is too strong to resist.
One moment, Duke is sorting through files on the Hatch’s computer, and the next moment, he’s face down on a bed with his face shoved into a pillow.
Blearly, he manages to pull his phone out of his pocket and send Danny a typo-ridden text that hopefully gets across the message of might be asleep so just come in, don’t wait for me to answer the door.
He’s out like a light as soon as it sends. The last thing Duke registers is his phone dropping out of his hand and falling against the mattress with a little bounce.
When he begins to wake up, something’s changed. As much as he wants to go back to sleep, awareness comes back to him slowly and Duke forces himself to claw his way out of unconsciousness to figure out what, exactly, is bothering him so much. Until he figures out what’s changed in the room, he won’t be able to sleep because he’ll be worried about someone breaking in.
His mind comes back online long before his body does. It’s only when he tries to move that Duke realizes he’s no longer alone on the bed; there’s someone wrapped up in his arms, body temperature a little too cool to be a normal human.
Blinking open his eyes, Duke looks down at the head of messy black hair and feels Danny’s soft breath ghost across his chest.
“Danny?” he manages to say, voice rough with sleep.
Danny hums and doesn’t move.
“Hey, look up. Let me see if you’re really alright.”
“Mmm, no,” Danny mumbles, burrowing his face into Duke’s chest some more. “‘m sleepy.”
A good argument. Duke is also sleepy.
“Fine,” he says, “Check in the morning, then. G’night, Danny.”
“Night, Duke. Thanks for saving me.”
He tightens his grip on Danny, contentment burning warm in his chest. “Always, Danny. I’ll always save you.”
That’s why he’s a hero, after all. To save others, to reach a hand out to everyone the way he needed when he was younger. To keep the people he loves safe. To make sure Danny always finds a way back to him.
This is what makes all the pain of this lifestyle worth it.
Danny makes everything worth it.
(@yourlocalcorviddad tagging to make sure you see this!)
#ghostlights#dcxdp#dpxdc#dc x dp#dp x dc#prompt fill#my writing#i thought up a whole backstory to the duke/dash kiss (accidental. embarrassing for both parties) but it didnt fit w the rest of the fic so#its not included. i can include it in a rb if u want tho!!#my sleepy boys..... they go thru so much but at the end of the day they always feel at home with each other#childhood friends duke/danny is so important to me#also couldnt think of a coded phrase sorry. now we just have dash walking up to duke like HEY. HELP DANNY. and duke went with it#thanks for the prompt!!
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last night i got home kind of tipsy and very much in tears and my mother told me the force you exert to keep someone in your life is proportional to the force with which they will leave your life. if you have to fight tooth and claw to keep them, their leaving will be just as hard, just as harsh, and just as definite.
#she said it like a law. its just momentum.#also she told me to get a therapist and start archery ASAP bc i need to get it together#and also she said even granting that this person u were in love w was So Special . as in hot motorcycle-riding iranian masc lesbian in ldn#they arent the only one on earth and that once i start my proper adult life outside of studies etc etc i will probably no longer live in th#UK. she said most non straight iranians u would like have left the country anyway . where do you think they went? theyre out there#and also she asked me to imagine how many hot gay iranians there may be in italy or amsterdam or smth and i was like ok points 😭 maybe#ur right. anyway i was having a feeling of dread bc crying into the arms of ur strict asian mother while buzzed usually results in#death chaos destruction etc in the next few days but actually i think maybe she has genuinely changed as a person and the fear is#unwarranted#anyway i need to eat breakfast and study w the date person i met yesterday#they are so nice ??? genuinely so so sweet i dont feel attracted to them at all omg i genuinely think i have a thing for hot evil ppl 😭#but we could b besties . theyre a lot more romantic than the ex situationship person too like generally . ugh they should be perfect but#alas it appears i am shallow as fuck or potentially a lesbian actually#OH THEY MIGHT ALSO BE POTENTIALLY A LESBIAN BTW#i think i just tend to not date cis ppl entirely by accident#....feel free to rb if u want btw sorry for the rant
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I think we should make our f/o's get familiar with our own culture, yes this is a call for everyone to draw their f/o's in their country's typical clothing, eating their country's typical dishes, learning their country's diallect etc please i wanna see more of this!
#i love doing this to get closer to my f/o is like they know me personally#feel free to rb this if so desired and while ur at it please show me u and ur f/o doing a cultural exchange#max.text
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I need everyone to know I was a haymitch fan before sunrise on the reaping came out
#feel free to rb if u too were a haymitch fan b4 sotr lol#goooooddddd I already know it's gonna make me bawllll#effie is still my number one fave#the hunger games#sunrise on the reaping#haymitch abernathy
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But who is saying this tho? Lol. I haven't seen a post like this in the transandrophobia tag and I catch up on it regularly. Like what wide spread talk is saying that there is anyone who is only transphobic to trans men?
Last I checked most of there are saying "transphobes are transphobic to everyone" which is very different of a sentence and idea.
I think you made this up to be mad tbh. And that's sad. Hope you stop being s lying tar pit who blocks anyone who asks for proof of said talk.
#if u rb fite club on my dash thats an auto block lol#get the fuck outta here with these takes#g speaks#transandrophobia#transphobia#his shit takes strike again#will add an image id but if someone else can eatlier than me feel free!!#i am just rlly busy and probably shouldn't even be taking the time to make this post so i gotta do the id in a bit
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anyway. shout out to selfshippers who write for their ships.
selfshippers who write long fics and drabbles and anything in between. selfshippers who like to plan their fics beforehand and those who prefer not to do any planning at all. selfshippers whose fics adhere to canon and those whose fics change it completely. selfshippers who take days to finish one fic and selfshippers that can finish ten in a week. and especially selfshippers who write for other selfshippers, too — who write gift fics, who roleplay other's f/os, who send headcanons and scenarios and letters and so much more.
there is so much love and creativity baked into every word you put to paper that can never be replicated. and your f/os love you so, so much for it. <3
#self ship community#saw smthn that made me super mad earlier so here's this to make me feel better#also bc fellow writers i love u. we are stronger than any u.s. marine <3#♡ — text#♡ — ok to rb
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I LOVE BEING ARO SO MUCH!!!!!! I WILL NEVER FEEL ROMANTIC ATTRACTION AND THATS BEAUTIFUL AND NATURAL AND SOMETHING I WILL WIELD AS A WEAPON AND A SHIELD AGAINST ANYONE WHO WOULD CHANGE ME OR ERASE ME!!!!!! REALIZING I AM ARO WAS ONE OF THE MOST JOYFUL AND FREEING AND ILLUMINATING EXPERIENCES OF MY LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! MY EXUBERANCE AT LIVING WITHOUT THE NARROW SOCIETAL IDEA OF "LOVE" KNOWS NO BOUNDS AND I SEE BEAUTY IN EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!! MY LIFE OVERFLOWS WITH JOYFUL ABUNDANCE!!!!!!!! I AM BURSTING FOR AFFECTION WITH EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I WILL NEVER BE "ALONE" (I WILL NEVER BE LONELY) BECAUSE I WILL MAKE FOR MYSELF A LIFE THAT SINGS AND SHINES!!!!!!!!!!!!! I LOVE LIVING A LOVELESS LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I LOVE THE SELF RELIANCE OF MY HAPPINESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I AM INFINITE AND BOUNDLESS AND DEFY DESCRIPTION OR CATEGORIZATION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I AM AROMANTIC!!!!!!!! ALL IS JOY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ALL IS LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
#i see a lot of posts about aro grief and ive been there. believe me ive so been there.#BUT!!!!!! we need to talk about aro joy too!!!!!!#living a joyful life regardless of expectations is THE most important thing we can do!!!! both for the aro community and for ourselves#as complete and whole people!!!!!!#+ by expectations i mean both amatonormativity and the weird sort of...... defeatist mentality i see a lot of ppl in the community voicing#our lives are a triump!!!!! a rebellion of joy!!!!!!! living the happiest life you can is your victory!!!!!#and you show others (especially young others + aro or not) that you don't need romance to be completed or happy!!!!!!#aro joy as a mission aro joy as a mantra aro joy as reaching out#this is deffo ok 2 rb but just before anyone starts being all 'not every aro on the face of planet feels the exact same way u do'#i wrote this about ME. ok?#i would love it if ppl wanna rb/add tho bc like i said. we need more aro joy!!!!!#vic.txt#aro#aromantic#arospec#aspec#alloaro#aroallo#aroace#lovequeer#amatopunk
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"fat ppl are so hot and bangable. fat people are sexy. i want to fuck fatties" okok heard but do you actually like us as people? do you know anything abt the fat creators u follow who share things abt their lives? how do you treat fat ppl who are undesirable to you? do you listen to us when we are screaming about the ways that fatphobia is everywhere? no not mindlessly reblog, but listen and internalize. do you take the time to unpack your biases against fat ppl? or even the fatphobia you absolutely were taught growing up? do you hold your thin/not fat friends accountable when they compare themselves to us because they dont like the way they look? do you advocate for us when people make us the butt of jokes? do you actually date fat people? do you befriend fat people? are you kind to fat strangers you don't find attractive? do you feel the need to qualify your love for fat people? do you love any fat people who arent related to you? do you respect fat ppl of all sizes? what do you consider "fat"? is it just someone with bigger than average boobs/butt? do you like fat people with small boobs/butts? does "we love bellies here" include large bellies covered in stretch marks? does it include bellies with multiple rolls and skin discoloration because of those rolls? does it include those things together? when you say fat do you mean actual fat people? do you include fat people who arent white? who are disabled? who reject the expectations of hyper femininity/hyper masculinity? when the trend of wanting to fuck certain fat ppl wears off yet again will you continue to desire us? to love us? to cherish us? do you see us as people even when we do not give you sexual access to our bodies?
#personal#this is kind of a vent#i see so many ppl rb those “i love bellies” posts or talk abt features of fatness#but decontexualized#i see so many ppl pretend to like us and like its just exhausting#and yes i know im talking about fatness a lot right now#im having big feelings and im gonna blog abt them cause i can#if u dont like it unfollow me#fatphobia#fetishization#celebrity bun
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[end of an era]: closing #analook
first of all, i want to say thank you times five billion to everyone who’s ever tagged me in a post. it goes without saying that i have enjoyed every single one of them and will treasure this entire experience and all the beautiful creations i’ve gotten to see (and discuss in great lengths in the tags of course 🤭). now, that’s partly the reason why i feel like i should wrap it up - you all create such wonderful things and they all deserve my full attention and all the yapping i can muster yet sadly just don’t have the time to type up. it’s silly how much it’s meant to me (i might be tearing up a little) and how much i’m going to miss it, but i really do think it’s for the best. of course, feel free to @ me or send me any post of yours in the future - you know i’ll respond with enthusiasm. though it won’t come close to a gif/edit/artwork, i’ve typed up little thank-you notes to the main contributors to #analook as a token of my gratitude under the cut. love & appreciate you all SO so so so much! 💖
@atlantis-area - my dearest alexa, the reason i even started a user tag and got to experience all this, thank you The most 💖 hopefully you already know how grateful i am for you, so i won’t make it too long. it’s been a pleasure (and will continue to be) to watch your giffing style evolve and to get to be a fan of taemin alongside you. love you! 🩵
@herewegobebe - oh my darling ru where do i start 🥹 i’m soooo so thankful for your wonderful presence and your gifs (as ive already told you numerous times). you’ve been a real highlight of my tag (it’s still a bit of a starstruck moment for me to be your mutual/get tagged in your gifs tbh!) and it’s going to make me really really sad to potentially miss some of your gifs now but best believe i’ll be checking ur blog whenever i can 🙂↕️💖
@minhosblr - MAJA my number one gorgeous wino gif source i literally can’t believe you even tagged me in them to begin with i feel like it’s all been such a successful fan moment 🥹🐰🫶🏻 thank you so so much & ofc expect me all up in your tags regardless 😽💓
@kimsuyeon - my lili the absolute master of gifs with gorgeous quality and beautiful coloring and stunning women like you can truly do no wrong in my books anytime i see a gif of yours i get giddy and feel like cracking my knuckles and going IN in the tags. thank you soooo much for gracing me (and everyone else) w your gorgeous gifs 💝
@pink-vacancy - the way im going to miss yuna & mina served on a beautiful platter cannot be overstated.. thank you so much for adding a beautiful touch of cherry red spice to my tag 🙂↕️🍒💋 (and kinda beside the point but also for always being SO incredibly sweet & nice to me)
@faunandfloraas - jess my third favorite australian 🤭💕 your creativity and collecting moments/pulling parallels + funny tags have brought me very many giggles, thank you saaaaur much 😽💕
@chanrizard - sa thank you soooo much for my chan gif fixes 💖 and SORRY for all the stuff you’ve had to read in your tags and still tagging me regardless lmfaojfkdjdk you best believe you’ll keep on reading them as i’ll be a frequent visitor of your blog from now on 🫡
@rainknow - your art has been one my favorite things to find in my tag, thank you so so so much for using it! most wonderful capturing of lino i’ve ever seen, no one does his eyes justice like you do 😽💖 (pls if you ever feel like it and i don’t see a post of ur art mention me or send it to me - it’d be highly appreciated!)
@linoyes - thank you SO much for amping up the amount of linos in my tag, it’s been such a delight to see your giffing evolve and im excited to keep yapping in your tags in the future 🤭💞💞💞
@jonghyunluvr - your jjong/taemin posts are always so enjoyable, i love your insights and how you notice the same things as me sometimes hehe 🩵🩵 please do keep sending them to me by all means 😌
@shorelinnes - raf pleaseeee if you want to still send me or tag me in your art.. i’d be so sad to miss it and your gorgeous gifs too! im so very happy to have you around and i appreciate all the posts you’ve tagged me in so so much 💞
@strayklds - em i remember being nervoussss to ask you to tag me hdksjdk i think your gifs are so good and want to thank you Very much for tagging me in them! it’s really been a pleasure 🫶🏻
@briankang - TAY my minchan friend and my bangchan gifs supplier you best believe i’ll be checking your blog 🤭 thank you SO much for all you’ve tagged me in so far 💖 (still thinking abt your minchan ate teasers edits.. changed my life now idk if for the better or worse but. lives have been changed for sure)
@taeiltual - bex your gorgeous edits truly make me think that most of these companies truly need to do better, thank you so much for making everyone look more beautiful and tagging me along (hehe) for the ride! 💖
@ashmp3 @kissoflifes - thank you two SO much for using my tag as intended and for the highest purpose of all - in your gorgeous selfies! (& thank you zaynab for your beautiful gifs too ofc ofc) for sure still send them to me if i happen to miss them we Do Nottt want a tragedy like that to ever strike. love u my beautiful friends 💞💞
@28reas0ns - not directly related to my tag (though you did tag me in a couple of beautiful sets!) but just wanted to once again thank you for my header gif(s) i’ll really treasure them for a long time 💝
and a shoutout to everyone who’s tagged me in a few of their posts, thank you thank you thank you from the bottom of my heart! it’s really felt special every single time and i can’t thank you all enough for thinking of me and inviting me to yap in your tags like one would a vampire into their home. MWAH appreciate you all soooo so much 💖💖💖:
@reiiofsunn 💖 @drzephyr 💖 @hyunjinsource 💖 @minho-knows 💖 @speakofcompersion 💖@linolinoing 💖 @sunugf 💖
#SO sorry if i forgot anyone it was truly my intention to get to everyone who’s posted in my tag so if u have and ur not here i promise it#isn’t intentional! i did go through a STUPID amount of posts to make sure i include everyone so i hope i did!!#also i’ll get to the posts that are currently in the tag and rb them all ofc!#i feel like a parrot but truly THANK YOU all sooooo so much you have no idea how happy it’s all made me 💖
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do u think that um. yk Julian was having a rough time in the later seasons. and ofc he wants to talk abt it, wants someone to help him process it, wants someone to just listen. but it's not easy to talk abt. and he wants to talk to Garak, wants Garak to know what's going on in his life, wants to be vulnerable and be met with support and care. but Garak is so emotionally unavailable and so unwilling to break his pleasant facade and so unwilling to deviate from their little social script. he was taught never to show care or vulnerability. and Julian gets so tired of playing their little game when, god, there's a war going on, his life is falling apart, can't Garak even acknowledge how bad things are for both of them? he doesn't need witty retorts, he needs sincerity. and Garak can't give him that. so he withdraws from their friendship. and it's not that Garak doesn't care. it's not that he doesn't want to help. but sincerity and vulnerability were beaten out of him a long time ago, and he doesn't know how to take off his mask. even just acknowledging genuine emotion is practically impossible for him. and maybe that's why ASIT is the apology that it is. it's saying, here, I've learned to be honest, I've learned to be vulnerable. I know the harm I caused you by refusing to acknowledge pain, so here's a whole book of me acknowledging pain.
#this is entirely projection idk if this is at all supported by the text#for the record I am garak here. gosh who knew it could hurt the ppl u love when u refuse to be emotionally vulnerable at all?#god I don't know. it's so hard. how do I look someone in the eyes and say I care. I love you. I want you to be okay. tell me what's wrong#I don't know how to deviate from the pleasant little social script we've rehearsed so many times#even when I know it's all a facade. when we're both refusing to acknowledge the emotional undercurrent of it all.#I want to help you. but that would require me to confront the impossibly big feelings I have abt it. and I can't. I just can't#I'm sorry#sigh. god knows if garak can overcome his repression then I can too. give me another few years. if you're still alive by then#ok to rb LMAO#narcissus's echoes#ds9
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we'll cry later, or cry now
#the visuals in this song r so strong but took me a minute to figure out. and then this happened. hi <3#the visual of marble statues crying wouldnt leave my head bc. hammer to the statue of david. u get it#and this lyric idk why it's sticking to me it just Is. again. u get it#txt#c.txt#fob#fall out boy#heartbreak feels so good#so much (for) stardust#love from the other side#digital collage#collage#p: 100#p: 500#fob rb <3
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idk man i’m just thinking about against me! and transness, especially cause we’re coming up on ten fucking years of transgender dysphoria blues, on the 21st.
lyrics have been swimming in my head lately.
“what god doesnt give to you, you’ve got to go and get for yourself.”
“if i could’ve chosen, i would’ve been born a woman. my mother once told me she would’ve named me laura. i’d grow up to be strong and beautiful like her.”
“you wouldn’t think something like gender identity would complicate something like asking for some company.”
“she spent the last few years of her life running from the boy she used to be.”
“standing naked in front of that hotel bathroom mirror, in her dysphoria’s reflection, she still saw her mother’s son.”
“agitated states of amazement, never quite the woman that she wanted to be.”
“you want them to see you like they see every other girl, they just see a faggot, they hold their breath not to catch the sick.”
“chipped nail polish and a barbed wire dress. is your mother proud of your eyelashes? silicone chest, and collagen lips. how would you even recognize me?”
“no more troubled sleep, there’s a brave new world that’s raging inside of me.”
“all my life, wishing i was one of them. there will always be a difference between me and you.”
“what’s the best end you can hope for? pity fucks and table scraps?”
“all the young graves filled, don’t the best all burn out so bright and so fast?”
“sometimes at night, i pray to wake a different person in a different place.”
“i don’t want to hang around the graveyard, waiting for something dead to come back. i know you think you’ve got one up on me, that you can see something i can’t.”
“i wanna be so real, you can see the difference.”
“dig up your bones, early graves are not homes.”
“come on, shape shift with me! what’ve you got to lose? fuck it!”
“confessing childhood secrets of dressing up in women’s clothes, compulsions you never knew the reasons to.”
“i’m sick of feeling like i’m losing my mind. sick of doing the same things most nights after night. sick of self loathing and self absorption, self destructive narcissism.”
some of these are directly referencing transness, some just alluding to it. some are just ones that i relate to as i’ve grown up struggling with my gender and sexuality and accepting my own transness and dealing with self harm and self destruction and relying too much on drugs.
finding myself buying baggies of coke and just stuffing them in my wallet while i walked downtown, feeling this immense guilt at the bottom of my stomach for essentially just wasting 25 dollars on a drug that wasn’t doing much for me besides making me feel like i was feeling something different than what my life was. getting scared shitless while in the line at the convenience store after picking up, seeing cops come into the store, and the small tied up bag filled with what was more baby powder than coke in my back pocket felt like the the heaviest and most obvious thing in the world.
and then i’d find myself on calls with my friends, with my camera turned off or pointing at the ceiling, suddenly muting my mic holding a cut up piece of a straw in my teeth as i crushed shit up with my library card from a city i wasn’t planning on living in again. just having them talk while i was racking baby lines, tilting my head back and rubbing it on my gums after. i was sniffling all the time. sometimes my nose would bleed when i would wake up. and i wasn’t even really feeling much; i didn’t know at the time that this would be because of having adhd and just basically spending money on overpriced shit that was just like taking an adderall, but it was a drug in front of me, that gave me the idea or the false hope of running away from my life during the short lived high.
“before you know it, here i am again, fucking 6 o’clock in the morning, rolled up dollar bill in my hand.”
“what the fuck are you cutting this with, anyway?”
“how low can you go before you can’t turn around?”
i don’t think that when i was 14 and getting into against me! that i would ever actually get to a point of fully relating to those lyrics. of running away from such a huge part of yourself or your problems, trying to fill the void with drugs that you’d plow through so quickly, faster than you thought you would every time.
the thing is, was that at this point, i had already started my transition. i was already “passing.” but i never got to the root of it. sure, i’m trans, but who am i? and i didn’t know how to answer that question. so i just pushed it away, pushed it under the rug.
“you can pray all night and day, but you’ll still wake up the same person in the same fucking place.”
against me! has been there for me for ten years. throughout so many transformations of myself, so much shape shifting, so much dysphoria, so many late nights wishing i was a different person in a different place.
i found solace in their lyrics. it gave me some small bit of hope, some realization that i didn’t know that i needed; that trans people always have been and always will be here, that being able to be trans and be alive is possible, and that i don’t have to be digging my own grave, spending late nights staring at the mirror and seeing the girl who i used to be.
against me! gave me the courage to be alive.
#this is ok to rb. u can tag w drugs if u need to.#c.txt#wow after typing this it feels corny and long winded#also like it should be a journal entry. should it? maybe. do i feel like my fellow am! mutuals could relate in some way? yeah#hi if y’all are reading this#just been thinking about against me a lot lately#against me!
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so apparently t/erfs who dislike the use of the progress flag want to switch to using bakers 9 striped variant (with lavender at the very top, as well as the sex and magic stripes) this is not to warn of a new dog whistle i dont think its there (yet?) this is to encourage we (trans and otherwise trans-positive people) consider using it more too.
there are more than 2, or 3, rainbow flags and i like switching between them purposefully when using them in edits and art. im not asking to only ever use the 9 stripes but i think what motivates the ones who dislike the progress flag (because it includes trans people) to use it is because its not used as much and can therefor be effectively "claimed". i dont want transphobes to have it. i dont want it to become a dog whistle.
& keep using the progress flag and calling it that, its alienating lgb transphobes lol
#despanico#i blocked em n went to type the post but if needed i can include screenshots to show im not making it up ig#i dont wanna put it in tags cuz it feels too preachy of me but ure encouraged to rb if u agree
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RODBT therapist @ the group: Does anyone have any examples of situations that generated complex emotions?
Me: Well... recently, scintists identified the remains of James Fitzjames who died in the Franklin expedition for the Northwest Passage like 176 years ago... it made me feel a lot of things...
#also i need u to kno that i was wearing cat ears and had drawn a cat nose and whiskers on my face#bc our homework from last week was to engage in novel and silly behavior and i thought it would get me silly points#they had to try to figure out what compex emotions i was feeling and landed on: sadness and compassion#bc the news made me really uncomfortable. which is y i didnt rb any of the posts going around#bc something about knowing this person had been identified along with the idea that there was no one who actually knew him#to take comfort in having found him is so eerie and sad. and like of course there r ppl who kno him as a historical figure but thats not#really knowing someone. so its like celebrating for the echo of a person. and there's something sad and haunting about that#the existential horror of being only remembered by the physical effects you left on the world. by which i mean ur writing and the actions u#proformed in order to make other ppl think u were worth writing about for whatever reason#i dunno. i suppose it should b a happy thing but i guess it just makes me feel really sad. not in a bad way exactly.#just. i dunno. its weird and sad#unrelated#and then theres the additonal thing of ppl only knowing this historical figure thru the show
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