#rayla's belief that she can never be anything more than what she is (a failure) mm yes yes

[raayllum]

In the pit, the human charged forward, sword aloft. And in the crowd behind him, a flash of red. A scarf.

[beautifulterriblequeen]

Do you find Moonshadow culture becoming a little less... likeable? (but not less interesting) It seems like they hand out Ghostings like candy with no path to forgiveness and no belief in a person’s ability to change and reform themselves. The pressure and anxiety those elves must be feeling at all times has got to astronomical. What are your thoughts?

I have plenty of thoughts, as always! Less likeable than what, though, anon? Maybe you’ve missed most of my posts on Moonshadow society over the last year...

Moonshadow society is a disaster, poor thing. It’s a tightlaced corset, pretty but restrictive with long term consequences. It’s a queer neurodivergent elf who just wants to do their very best but all the rules that are supposed to help them out with that end up hurting them too and they don’t know how to stop or change and so yes they’re dancing gracefully in the moonlight and yes they express themselves through beauty but if you get close enough you can hear the constant pterodactyl screech of their soul too. (Did I extrapolate extra hard from “Runaan is the most Moonshadow of the Moonshadow elves”, maybe yes)

Moonshadow society is deeply flawed and it needs help, but it’s so big and pervasive that it may be impossible to change its course without severe consequences, just like last time (aka moving east across the border and becoming assassins that took out humans). The elves can only do so much to alter their own fates from inside their own society.

Some may leave and never return. Some get ghosted and want nothing more than to re-enter the fold because they still believe in its ideals, like Feathershawl. Some probably try to change things from the inside, whether subtly or obviously. And others embrace the rules with both arms and try to mold themselves into The Perfect Moonshadow Who Can Do No Wrong, in order to remain safe and to belong.

But that’s a spectrum you’re going to get when perfectionism is a big part of your cultural philosophy. Everything has to be Just So for so many aspects of these elves’ lives, and it’s Very Not Good for them. Yes, they’re pretty. But mandating prettiness is just as bad as mandating other aspects of personal choice and free will.

As for ghosting, I really don’t think Moonshadows just yeet those left and right with little care for the consequences. I do think they’re too harsh with their shunning! Shunning, giving up, turning their back in a relatively permanent way, that’s not a good solution. Learning and adapting are important, and knowing that you have time and room to practice and adjust is so important for mental health and stability in your society. Living in constant fear of minding the rules or getting even perceived to be doing something incorrectly is such a drain on your energy.

But I do think that the Moonshadows have strict rules for what deserves ghosting and what doesn’t, just as they do for other stuff. The details of Feathershawl’s ghosting are theirs to keep, and I assume any Narrator could flesh those out however they chose during a playtest, whether to make their situation more or less sympathetic for the players.

But my take is this: Moonshadow elves revere life very deeply, and they work constantly to serve each other and their whole community, as they hold themselves together and celebrate their continued existence on every level they can. When someone in a position of big responsibility for the health, well-being, and lives of so many Moonshadow citizens messes up in such a bad way that there’s a plague and lots of elves die--lose their precious lives, lose those connections with others, leave their families torn and distraught and unable to focus on their own duties due to heavy, soul-sucking grief--when one elf causes this level of arcanum-deep catastrophe, I can absolutely see why the other Moonshadow elders would be horrified and grief-stricken, and furious. It’s a very un-Moonshadow thing to have happen, especially with how hard they’re all trying to be so very Moonshadow all the time.

Feathershawl had a position that gave them authority over the food sources that kept a good number of the Forest’s elves fed and able to live their lives without privation. And they screwed that up somehow. They were trusted with a basic staple of everyday life--food--and they got it wrong in such a horrible way that there are a lot fewer Moonshadow elves as a result.

Moonshadow elves need each other’s support and presence as part of their communal network, and anything that tears at that fabric goes against everything that Moonshadow philosophy stands for. Feathershawl themself had literally dozens of family members, whose illusions were kept in their crystal. That’s a lot of family! If it’s common for Moonshadow elves to have that many family members, then a plague would probably touch every family multiple times and leave everyone multiply devastated. It’s just Bad All Around.

There’s probably a lot more to Rayla’s ghosting than we know, since we only learned of it from her POV and she’s not in the habit of sharing Moonshadow secrets with Callum just yet. Knowing that Moonshadow families are so thickly intertwined, and how heavily they rely on each other to help support and cheer each other through standing strong together and mutual services, it’s no big stretch to imagine that Rayla’s biggest crime in Moonshadow eyes wasn’t her supposed running away, it was that her actions cost the Silvergrove their assassin leader, one of their elders and one of the strongest moral guiding hands they had. Rayla cost the Silvergrove their most Moonshadow Moonshadow.

Without Runaan, the Silvergrove is probably reeling quite a bit, and Rayla’s failure is to blame, in their eyes. They’re all suffering, and they need to put the blame somewhere--other than themselves--so they can start to move forward again.

It’s far from ideal. It’s very shame and blame oriented. But it does hold to some internal logic that seems to bear out through the three ghostings we know of for sure so far.

Another things Moonshadows are very good at is quick action. The moment they think there’s been a “mistake”, they move to address it. Whatever feelings they have on the matter, they process it in half a second (if at all) and jump straight to rectification. You attack the Storm Spire? Lain’s gonna kick you down the stairs. You think the Silvergrove ghosted you unfairly? You literally run to Ethari for help. You see Rayla trying to stay on the mission? You grab her wrists so she can’t draw her weapons. You see your workshop doors open but no one’s there? You stop working and fetch a hammer in case you need to smash a vindictive ghost. You think your friends failed their duty and dishonored you? You take everyone you can to go uphold that honor, including a 15 year old girl. (Holy cats does that mean everyone on Runaan’s squad was family, oh god) Swift action is a reassertion of the rules, of what’s right, so no one forgets. That’s got to include ghosting for things that are really terrible.

What I do find interesting is that Eljaal, the homesick assassin who is afraid to return home, may not be worried about ghosting specifically? But it’s a little unclear. I think there is something else they fear, perhaps a lesser punishment? But still one they can’t yet bring themself to face, poor elf.

I do think Moonshadow society is very stressful on the mind, and all these elves have become very skilled at hiding, mitigating, and otherwise working around their stresses and traumas. The greatest illusion that Moonshadows play is the one that Everything Is Fine, because there is always more work to do, and they keep telling themselves that they’re the ones who must do it, for everyone elses’s sakes. Laziness and selfishness are probably the same thing to Moonshadows. Hmm, maybe that’s why Runaan lets his family drag him off to picnics on his birthday, so he doesn’t seem selfish for wanting alone time.

In very very long, anon, Moonshadows are a Mess tee emm, and they’ve been designed that way from the start: doing their best inside a flawed system. This is the heart of their imperfection. They will probably benefit from spending time with literally anyone else aside from just themselves. They really really need to get out more, or to let someone else in, because the strictest of their own traditions are actually ruining the life and beauty they work so hard to celebrate.

[theredhairedmonkey]

What did you mean by saying that Callum has apathy? Is it related to his temper?

So, I got this idea after watching, of all things, The Office for the 600th time. And there was something about Pam Beesly’s character that clicked in me when I said one of Callum’s flaws was his apathy.

In The Office, nothing ever comes quickly for Pam. It can take a lot of agonizing, and years of unhappiness, before she’s motivated to change. Her character demonstrates the perils of apathy. In Pam, this manifests as an absence of positive feelings and interests, and hopelessness about the future. It’s a response to disappointments and a belief that you’re not good enough to overcome obstacles. As a result, Pam spends most of her time in a state of inertia, and is always ready to settle rather than risk failure.

And for Callum, he spends the beginning of s1 and much of s2 in precisely that state of inertia that Pam was in.

Callum has cripplingly low self-esteem, and because he doesn’t see himself as special, he doesn’t think he deserves to be treated especially well.

And while he does try to learn these princely skills, he’s always ready to give up at the first sign of failure. When he spars Soren, Callum quickly settles, declares that he’s terrible at this and is about ready to stop practicing (in the book it’s even more egregious; he spars entirely with his eyes closed!).

We know from the book that he’s trying because he loves his step-dad. But putting in effort doesn’t really amount to much if you don’t have the confidence that you can improve. And we see that whenever Callum does have confidence in himself, he usually does succeed; when trying to impress Claudia, Callum actually does parry every blow, and even improvises a new move.

But this right here is apathy: Callum doesn’t actually think things will ever change, and he seems indifferent to the possibility that he could become a great prince. He’s completely hopeless about the future being any better than the present. Heck, even with magic, his initial reaction was skepticism that he could do anything with it.

The reason why Callum has latched on to being a mage is not only because it’s the first thing he’s been great at, but because it was so easy. He simply doesn’t have to worry about figuring out who he is anymore.

But when he realizes magic won’t come easily to him, that he actually has to try and risk failing again if he wants to be a mage, he’s tempted to climb back into that state of inertia. To the point that in 2x07, when Ezran and Rayla both jump in to help Pyrrah, Callum just stands in a familiar moment of indecision until Rayla shakes him out of that.

At the same time—and this is something we really don’t talk about enough—come Season 2 we actually see him fail at magic too.

But unlike with his other failures, something changes this time with him.

Rayla changes him. Rayla gently reminds him that it’s okay to fall short of something. That he doesn’t need to get things right the first time. That failure is perfectly fine because it means you’re trying.

And Rayla helps knock Callum out of his state of inertia. She has been from the very beginning.

Rayla’s go-getter attitude is pretty infectious on Callum. Even while she has her own doubts, she never gives up, no matter what the odds of success are.

Callum not only notices this, he appreciates this.

And by the time Callum is ready to connect to the Sky Primal, Rayla’s influence shines through, and his apathy fades away for good.

Callum: I’ve seen you get knocked down so many times before, and every single time, you get up again. That’s real strength.

And by the time Callum is ready to connect to the Sky Primal, Rayla’s influence shines through, and his apathy fades away for good.

So, when he becomes a mage again, Callum entire attitude has shifted. He’s not only willing to try to learn new skills, he’s absolutely ecstatic about it. The apathetic, insecure kid he was before is gone for good.

Rayla: Callum, it’s time for you to get your first lesson in the ways of stealth.

Callum: Nice!

So, not only was Callum’s apathy a major part of his character, it was also a major part of his arc. But by the end of s2, this flaw was, so to speak, gone for good. Callum’s temper, meanwhile, is still something that flares up on occasion, and it’s a problem he’s probably going to have to deal with in the future.

[dawniebb]

Rare Glow Toad Impersonation

Hey y'all :)

If somebody decided to read this: Hi! Thank you!

So, this is my first ever TDP fanfiction just because I love these dorks

This takes place …i don’t know. Somewhere lol. Maybe during s2, episode 4 “Voyage of The Ruthless”. It’s something I would’ve liked to happen :’).

I hope you guys enjoy it https://archiveofourown.org/works/21113417

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She likes her space, and Callum usually respects that, but this time is different.

 For some reason, Rayla believes this kind of suffering is a private thing, meaning it’s something she should be ashamed of. Something she must hide so people around her don’t think she’s weak.

 And again, Callum usually respects that, but not this time. He knows they were raised in different environments and under different beliefs, but this is just too much, for the simple fact that she’s right there, and she’s not only scared. Instead, she’s also been sick for the last hour, and while it may not seem serious for other people, Callum is fully aware she’s scared of water and, consequently, for him, this not only shows how brave she is but also how big the sacrifice she’s making is.

 In the moment he hears her gag reflex again, he turns back and decides to at least try to help instead of just sitting there looking like a dork.

 Slowly, Callum walks towards her and drops on his knees. When Rayla shows no reaction, Callum knows she must have confused him with Ez…And that’s actually okay, because she has grown to love Ezran very fast (faster than Callum could’ve ever imagined, given the fact Rayla is kind of serious and Ez is more one of an upbeat, loud one) and when he’s around she doesn’t hide that much, even though she knows he fairly much understands most of the things happening around him and his life. For instance, Rayla is aware Ez can tell when she is sad, mad or in pain. He just likes to give people time.

 When Callum comes closer, she’s sitting on the floor with both of her elbows resting on the stairs and both of her palms covering her eyes.

 She’s covered in cold sweat and her white hair is starting to stick on her forehead. With every movement the ship makes, Rayla turns either paler or more green…ish, yellowish tonality (it’s hard to tell because her skin is so pale). Callum sits on the stairs and gently places his hand on her shoulder.

 Rayla gasps, startled.

 "You scared me, you dummy.“ She says. Her voice sounds hoarse as if somebody had been trying to suffocate her, and Callum can tell she is now kind of annoyed. Yet, he smiles to make her feel comfortable.

 "How are you doing?” He asks gently.

 "I’m doing great. Can’t you tell?“

 Callum takes a deep breath. She’s definitely annoyed, and when she’s annoyed she gets pretty difficult to manage, not because she tries to fight him or makes a big a deal out of things, but because she starts getting pretty defensive until she somehow accomplishes her objective of changing the conversation into a whole different subject.

 “Is there anything I can do to make you feel better?” Callum asks, leaning a little more toward her and paying little attention to her tone. Then, he starts rubbing her back absently, almost like a reflex. In fact, he doesn’t even notices he’s doing it until he feels the texture of the fabric through his palms.

 Maybe when you are forced to face life-threatening situations with someone this often, you get used to touching them quite fast.

 Rayla doesn’t seem to be aware of it at first, either, but then they are embraced by the sudden breeze that carries the saline smell and essence of the sea. For Callum, it’s really pleasant, almost like a memory buried at the depths of his mind. Not a sad one, but a really happy one, filled with warmth, peace, and happiness.

 Nevertheless, it’s not hard to tell that’s definitely not the case for Rayla. At the moment she feels it strike onto her face, her whole body tenses as if acid had just been poured into every limb attached to her body. To Callum’s eyes, it’s surreal. One could’ve thought they were existing in two different realities, judging by how different their reactions were.

 Rayla takes a sharp breath and shuts her eyes. She frowns so much that her forehead turns yellow, almost translucent. She takes a couple of more breaths to stabilize herself, but just when it seems the feeling has gone away, she is forced to cover her mouth with her fist. A grunt emanates from the center of her throat, and she swallows hard.

 "Stop doing that.” She commands, in a tone so low that, mixed with her accent, almost sounds like gibberish.

 For a second, Callum doesn’t know what she means, so he just stops everything he’s doing. He even stops breathing.

 "Stop doing what?“ He dares to ask.

 "The back rubbing. Cut it off.” She snaps. “It’s making me feel sicker.”

 "Oh.“ Callum swallows. “Oh. I’m sorry. I… I didn’t realize I…I’m sorry. I promise it wasn’t my intention to…”

 "Stop talking.” She shakes her hand into the air to express exasperation, and then she massages her temples with her fingers. Rayla doesn’t feel a tiny bit better, which makes Callum feel useless.

 Finally, he realizes he doesn’t know what to do but refuses to count leaving as an option.

 So he stays because he wants to and because he’s worried about her, even if Rayla believes she’s always on her own and nobody but herself should worry about her well-being.

 He stays because he’s not planning to leave until she feels safe when they touch land again.

 Because that’s what friends do and she would’ve done the same for him.

 Because she had done it before, when she stayed awake all night patrolling so nobody could hurt Ez, Bait, the egg or Callum himself.

 And yes, she may be ashamed of herself for being afraid of water, but that doesn’t mean Callum should also consider it as an embarrassing disgrace.

 If she were to have no fear of anything at all, she might as well just want to die and reincarnate into a rock.

 Sometimes Callum just wants to shake her because maybe (just maybe) that’ll be enough to get that into her stubborn head. He wants her to understand she doesn’t have to be so hard on herself and that she doesn’t always have to face her problems alone for one simple reason: She’s not alone. Maybe she has felt (or been) alone in the past, but not anymore.

 He’s here, right next to her, and he wishes he could say that out loud, but Callum considers himself a rational and thinking individual (sometimes) and he knows that it’s not the right moment.

 Besides, if he tried to shake her right now, chances were he would end up covered in her breakfast and that wasn’t something he wanted to go through today. Or ever.

 So Callum does what he had initially planned to do and stays by her side. This time, he tries to be quiet and, most importantly, tries to avoid any kind of behavior that could make her feel worse.

 For a moment they stay in silence, and the only thing that can be heard is Callum’s charcoal against the pages of his book… and Rayla’s grunts, of course.

 He has no idea how long they’ve been there when suddenly she takes a deep breath and he feels her hand on his. It feels cold but also sticky. Callum stares and waits.

 Rayla coughs softly and sniffs. Then, she scoots up just enough to directly meet his gaze. She’s still sweaty and looks far from fine, but she seems to have found the will power to speak above her nausea.

 "I’m sorry.” She says in a weak voice.

 Callum smiles at her.

 "Sorry about what?“ He asks in genuine confusion.

 “The way I spoke to you. I know you were just trying to help and I acted like a jerk. “She sighs, and he can feel she’s feeling guilty even though she shouldn’t be.” Would you forgive me? Please? ”

 “No problem,” Callum assures. “It’s not that big of a deal, really. I know you’re not feeling well. Maybe I should’ve… I don’t know, respect your personal space way more, I guess. I… “

 “It’s not that.” Rayla adjusts her position, taking both of her legs up to her chest and resting her chin on her knees. “It didn’t actually make me feel sicker, just a little bit… sleepy. I’m just… I don’t know. I’m just really… ”

 "Sensitive,” Callum says, knowing she would never allow herself to admit that. “I understand and I don’t blame you. I don’t think you’re a failure or a disgrace for feeling that way either. I think you’re just going through a hard time and that’s why you feel so overwhelmed by everything. Besides, feeling nauseous is pretty annoying. If I were you, I would be all grumpy and annoyed too. “

 Rayla doesn’t respond for a while. At least, until she feels ready to do it.

 “I’m not sensitive.” She mutters as she buries her chin deeper onto her knees. "I’m grumpy. Just grumpy. ”

 Through Callum’s eyes, she looks like a small child, almost like Ezran in one of those rare occasions in which he decides to throw tantrums over the most trivial things. It’s adorable, but she doesn’t need to know that, and that’s why Callum is not planning to tell her.

 “I feel so dizzy. I really hate water. “She complains.

 Callum feels the unavoidable movement of the ship, and he can’t help but think the moment it chose to be felt is the worst one ever. Rayla closes her eyes and hugs her knees tightly and Callum places his hand on her shoulder, trying to be careful in the process. He stays like that until they’re steady again and, in a blink, Rayla has her fist back on her lips.

 "You’re turning different colors.” Callum tries to joke. “Is that your rare glow toad impersonation?”

 She apparently tries to laugh. However, she’s not able to. She instead gags and suffocates the sound with a cough before she can recover and speak normally again.

 "It’s what I’ve been trying to tell Ez. “She says in a muffled voice, with a weak smile.” I don’t think he’s buying it, though.”

 "Well, who knows?” Callum shrugs and smiles back at her. “You’re… doing great, okay? We’re almost at land. ”

 "That’s a lie. You’re just trying to make me feel better. I’m not dumb, Callum.“ She tries to scoff at him but, still, she looks really sad and frustrated.

 And tired.

 So, so tired.

 “Fine, we’re actually far from land.” He admits. "But I wasn’t lying when I told you you’re doing great. You’re really brave, Rayla. It takes a lot of guts to do what you’re doing right now. ”

 "Suffering and gagging?“

 "No. “Callum resists the desire to violently roll his eyes at her. “Doing something even though it gives you all the bad feelings. I’ve told you this once, and I’ll keep repeating it until you believe me, okay?”

 She doesn’t say anything, neither does she show any visible reaction. Callum doesn’t take it personally and keeps drawing instead. At least until he feels her moving next to him.

 Carefully, Rayla lays on the floor and places her head on Callum’s lap, trying not to stab his stomach with her horns. He smiles tenderly almost without noticing, as he’s glad she’ll finally try to catch some sleep and disconnect from this whole situation that’s making her feel so sick.

 She flexes her legs up to her stomach and hugs herself.

 "Could you do it again?” She asks.

 "Do what?” Callum asks back.

 “The annoying… not-so-annoying back rubbing thing.”

 "Oh. That. “Callum smiles and he puts his sketching book aside. “Of course. “

 "Thank you.”

 And he does it until her breathing stabilizes and she falls asleep. He doesn’t, though, and he just stares at her the whole time as he promised to himself. He takes care of her until she can feel safe and stays by her side. It’s not like he has any other option because she’s using him as a pillow anyways, but somehow he doesn’t get bored.

 He likes being around her even when she’s not awake. He also feels safe, even if he’s the one taking care of her this time.

 It’s an odd feeling, but he doesn’t mind. He’s not quite sure what it is, either…

 Who knows?

 Maybe sometimes we’re better off living in sweet ignorance regarding certain things.