#rape m tw

[tacticalvalor]

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@vendettavalor ASKED:

Inspo + Antonia !

MUSE INSPIRATIONS.

" IT'S NOT ENOUGH TO TAKE THEM OUT — WE HAVE TO SEND A MESSAGE. "

Chose to go the route of 4 topics and 4 specific individuals, because I think both are very crucial to how I've built up Toni's character.

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INDIVIDUALS

Black Widow - General disdain for Marvel aside (half joking), Natasha's character has become a subconscious point of inspiration. Someone who balances the line of good and evil, who has become a living weapon in their own right? Especially that latter point. Someone who has spent their whole life training and building their repertoire and is defined by their effectiveness. Toni has spent the better half of his life with the Ghosts, and it shows by the way people talk about her.

Medusa - We all know the story, or at least an iteration of it. A daughter of Phorcys and Ceto. Beheaded by Perseus as an act of valor, a declaration of loyalty/devotion to Athena. Pieces of her corpse used as a weapon. A mortal woman violated by the god Neptune, and punished for "her" misdeeds. She's become an icon of pushing back against a story that seeks to place the male, Perseus, at its center, blameless and heroic. Pushing back against a system that centers men, much like Toni has pushed back time and time again against the military culture and red tape that has victimized her and others time and time again. Medusa is such an inspiration to Toni's character, that he has a tattoo of her (placement is still up for determination, but I'm between a back piece or on the thigh).

Mike Ehrmantraut - Yes, another muse that I write, but shush. Anyway, a lot of the inspiration from him comes from that struggle to balance family and work, and to keep those lives as separate as possible. Canonically, Toni is... not close with her son. Their relationship has been strained due to the secrecy of her work. But with him about to have a family of his own, Toni wants to make things better. Whether or not he's successful is to be seen.

Šiduri - Big nerd moment here, but I loved reading The Epic of Gilgamesh in high school. And Šiduri's character just. Stuck. The way she rationalized Gilgamesh's grief, and tried to turn it into motivation... That hits close to home with Toni. The way he approaches a lot of his missions, both in part to the programming of the Ghosts, and in her own external experiences, is very much reminiscent of the idea that "this is fate, we may as well make the most of it".

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TOPICS

Betrayal - If there is one thing I will not shut up about, it's the betrayal arc that happens in Breakpoint. It's shown a bit in Wildlands, when Walker helps Toni realize that Bowman is going behind their backs to maintain destabilization within Bolivia, but it really comes to the forefront after. The killing of Vaugn, Walker being dishonorably discharged... And this all is so core to Toni's development as a character and her approach to things. As it stood with her work, he knew better than to loosely trust anybody. But after all this? Yeah... Yeah.

Identity - There are so many interesting intersections when it comes to Antonia's identity. Even before I made the executive decision to make him transmasc, the idea of being a woman (or perceived as one) within the military. Being a mother amidst that. Being a member of an organization that, on paper, does not exist and cannot exist. Knowing that your very being is classified. Redacted. That you could die at any minute, and none would be the wiser. But then you add onto this the realization of not being what you thought for so long you were, lest we forget Nomad's gender questioning doesn't take place until after the events of Breakpoint, where she's well within his 40s. Ultimately, I really want to explore just how elusive identity can be through Toni's character, and what goes into constructing one practically from scratch.

Revenge - Tying into the themes of betrayal is the act of revenge. How far is a person willing to go to consider things square? The betrayal of trust, the allies slaughtered in the name of a "greater good"... What is Toni willing to do? Is he really any different from Walker? What are her justifications? Can she pull the trigger when the time comes, or is he going to try and stop the inevitable?

Trauma - Bit broad of an inspiration, but like... This shit has got to weigh down on someone, and it does tie into the ideas of identity. How much does a person go through—how much can they go through—before losing themselves? How do they carry the weight of the literal world (re: Walker's plan to kickstart WW3) on their shoulders, and manage to stay focused on the road ahead? What would it take for someone in these circumstances to finally break? To potentially heal?

[tacticalvalor]

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CoD on the brain, here's a bunch of headcanons I have about Ghost (with no particular theme besides lots of angst). Below the cut due to content.

He tends to be very quiet in conversational settings, but especially so with a romantic partner. It's not for a lack of interest, but that he's just generally unresponsive. He enjoys just existing beside his partner.

Physical touch is absolutely NOT his love language. He borders on total touch aversion due to his past. He constantly watches people's hands, and especially so if they do touch him; he tries to remind himself not to give a reaction and jolt back, even if he wants to.

That said... He will ease into physical touch. It takes a lot of time and trust, and even then he keeps it brief. Part of it is that fear of intimate contact and touch, and part of it is genuinely being afraid of himself and his capacity to cause harm.

If there's ever arguments, especially within the groups he frequents, he shuts down. He goes silent and, depending on severity, will just get up and leave.

He has a hard time expressing his genuine emotions, and his body language and eyes tend to speak more than he ever will.

His past is something nobody will ever learn about from him. He views it as too much, and considers himself weak for having been taken advantage of and sexually assaulted.

He's an incredibly light sleeper, and is often up at ungodly early hours. If something wakes him, he's more likely to keep himself up opposed to trying to settle back down.

This man does not know what a healthy coping mechanism is. He takes a lot of his feelings out in combat, but off the field? He's a mess. Training until he's nearly blacking out from the physical exertion, blackout drinking binges (which don't happen too often, but it picks up around the holidays), etc.