#queue that scene in past lives where the man says 'you're a person who leaves'

[tumblasha]

what will happen to me afterwards?

on death and social media - 11 april 2024

(content warnings for ovarian cancer, death of a teacher, death of an online friend, future death, grief)

today, one of my twitter mutuals found out that one of their online friends (known each other for Years) died back in january. they're obviously devastated and it makes me think of a three thoughts that run rampant in my head after every death that happens around me.

it's no secret that my first french teacher in high school died (72 year olds don't really survive ovarian cancer, ya know?). it's no secret that she was one of my favorite teachers. i think a lot about her life. her long-distance husband, the children she's "adopted" by teaching them french for four years (she could never have kids herself), her obsession with turtles. she gave so, so much of herself to her community, over 50 years teaching in my little high school. and she was not celebrated as much as i would've liked. she had a memorial service the saturday after she died, and we all talked to / near her urn in the school gym. the principal didn't give a shit, and her husband didn't show up. the other old faculty member (my us history teacher) retired at the end of the next academic year.

the way i found out was through text. i went through the first stage of denial, saving my grief for four hours later when i fully found out the context behind the "i'm so sorry" sent to the group chat. my french teacher had over 100 turtles, little trinkets she put all over her classroom. and she let each of her students take one home.

for almost a decade now, i've grown quite fond of the community i found on twitter. i made my little fan account, i followed people who were also obsessed with my fav pieces of media, and the rest is history. over the years, i also had to take breaks from being online after reading some "this is X's mom. X passed away last night" tweets or just let a friend fade away after their last tweet ("going into surgery tomorrow! should recover in a few months :3") turned one year old.

and i'm so scared. i think that with the many diseases running rampant on the planet, the lack of secure infrastructure in my country, and other problems, i realize that i could simply go away at any second. and who would know? legally, they have to tell my parents (they're the secondary recipients of health and retirement accounts). legally, they have to tell my job. legally, they don't have to tell anyone else. but i have friends everywhere. the most important ones existing as little icons on my screen or little words in my messaging apps. how the hell are they supposed to know?

when i was a kid, i always imagined myself having at least two weddings: one with my family in peru, one with my spouse's family and our joint community in the united states. now i realize the same might have to happen for my funeral. how am i supposed to plan ahead for that? now that i've finished school, there's never going to be a "guaranteed" place for me to be. i can go anywhere at any time! and none of you have to know!!

there are no conclusions to this ramble. there is only the three threads: online friends leaving but being remembered, people in my real life leaving but being forgotten, and me who will leave someday too. maybe i'll leave behind some turtles, too.

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author's note: no, i'm not suicidal. you should not express concern to medical professionals over this post. i am healthy and happy to be alive.