#putting 'english isn't my mother tongue' will get you far i guess....

[majortomwaits]

so i haven't used fictionpress since i was like 16 or 17, i used it to post my original stories at the time, and today, so after nearly 10 years, someone messaged me there, telling me how much they love my work and i'm baffled?? like thanks, i suppose, but man.......

[little-smartass]

THE VAMPIRE LESTAT COVER ALBUM - the legendary Vampire Lestat is back and bigger and badder than ever, this time bringing a whole album of song covers ranging from classic bangers to newer fresh takes on chart hits! get your copy now, complete with a transcript of the artist's commentary on each song!

(songs I think Lestat would cover and release as an album in an attempt to re-kickstart his career and/or make some sort of dramatic statement to Louis. tracklist and "artist commentary" under the cut)

Survival - Muse

“And I’ll reveal my strength, to the whole human race, yes I am prepared, to stay alive, and I won’t forgive, and vengeance is mine, and I won’t give in, because I choose to thrive! Yeah I’m gonna win!”

Oh, I wish this song had been around back on that opening night at the Cow Palace - how apt that would have been! What a fucking anthem! They would have been rioting all night. I mean, they already were, but, like, because of the music. Not because vampires were being immolated in the middle of the crowd. Different kind of riot.

The Bitch Is Back - Elton John

“I’m a bitch, I’m a bitch, oh the bitch is back, stone cold sober as a matter of fact, I can bitch, I can bitch, ‘cause I’m better than you, it’s the way that I move, the things that I do!”

One day I want to have this play as I walk into Night Island. I’ll time it perfectly so that I throw off my coat - my denim jacket, or- oh, no, a fur! Maximum drama! - just as the chorus starts. Armand will know that I’m coming of course, but I think that’ll just make it even better. And I have good memories to this song... [muffled question] Sorry, gentlemen don’t kiss and tell, bébé. [laughter]

Everybody Loves Me - OneRepublic

"Oh my, feels just like I don’t try, look so good I might die, all I know is everybody loves me, head down, swaying to my own sound, flashes in my face now, all I know is everybody loves me”

Look, do I even need to explain this one? Didn’t think so.

Bad Reputation - Joan Jett

"I don't give a damn ‘bout my reputation, I've never been afraid of any deviation, and I don't really care if you think I'm strange, I ain't gonna change - and I'm never gonna care bout my bad reputation"

This one's fairly self-explanatory again. It could have been my personal anthem when I was mortal quite honestly. And it's an awful lot of fun to jump about and headbang to, don't you think? That's a new thing I've found out about, headbanging. People have been hopping about to music looking like fools for centuries but now there's a name for it. Fantastic.

bad guy - Billie Eilish

"I’m that bad type, make your mama sad time, make your girlfriend mad type, might seduce your dad time… I’m the bad guy. Duh.”

Creepy? Check. Sexy? Check. Tongue-in-cheek? Check check. This song was great and a lot of fun to cover.

Lover to Lover - Florence + the Machine

“I believe there’s no salvation for me now, no space among the clouds, and I feel I’m heading down, but that’s alright, that’s alright, that’s alright”

I don’t know, this one just felt very relevant. Also the piano was great to do. You might have noticed that I’ve picked a lot of songs with piano, and that’s because I bullied the studio into getting me a goooooorgeous grand piano for the recording space and I wanted to use it as much as possible!

Feeling Good - Muse

“Stars when you shine, you know how I feel, scent of the pine, you know how I feel, oh freedom is mine, and I know how I feel”

I just really like this song - I’ve done a cover of an excellent cover! Can- can you put emojis in this? Do people still use emojis? Well imagine I’ve put the shrug one. Wait, isn’t there- Daniel, Daniel, come here, isn’t there a shrug emoji made up of keyboard- [muffled words] yes! The shrug one! Yes, put that in the transcription. [ ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ ] I just like this song.

The Man - The Killers

“I got gas in the tank, I got money in the bank, I got news for you baby, you're looking at the man, I got skin in the game, I got a household name, I got news for you baby, you're looking at the man”

I feel like this one speaks for itself too. Can you put that shrug emoji thing in here again? [ ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ ] Yes!

J'ai Pas Envie - MIKA

J'ai pas envie, de faire comme si, comme les maris, qui disent oui, j'ai pas envie, j'ai pas envie, j'ai pas envie d'te faire plaisir, j'ai pas envie, j'ai pas envie, si tu m'aimes viens me le dire"

Look, I'm not going to translate the whole song for you, because it has all this clever wordplay you just totally lose in english… but the gist of it is that these two lovers are… at odds a lot. It's… it's maybe a little spiteful [laughter] but in a fun way! It's a fun song! Louis won't even be mad about it, it's MIKA.

Good Old-Fashioned Lover Boy - Queen

"When I'm not with you, think of you always (I miss those long hot summer nights), when I'm not with you, think of me always, always"

[Long pause] God, I miss Freddie.

Let 'Em Talk - Kesha

Ah, full disclosure - I put this song in purely because of the expression Louis made when I played it in the car and it got to the line “can suck my dick” and she did that popping noise… it was incredible, and I just knew I had to cover it so I could see his expression when I said that. I can’t wait to play it to him. [laughter]

So What - P!nk

"So so what, I'm still a rockstar, I got my rock moves, and I don't need you, and guess what? I'm having more fun, and now that we're done, I'm gonna show you tonight, I'm alright, I'm just fine, (and you're a tool, so)"

I'm actually a big fan of nineties and noughties female stars - all that grrrrrrrl power, it's great fun, you know? I'd say this one is fairly self-explanatory, because I am still a rockstar! This is my new album! Fuck you EMP and your sniffy little article calling me "washed up"!

Little Lion Man - Mumford & Sons

"But it was not your fault but mine, and it was your heart on the line, I really fucked it up this time, didn't I my dear?"

This one could be self-deprecating, but it's also very vindictively angry at the same time, and that's a combination I definitely get. Like, oh, it's my fault, isn't it? It's my fucking fault again, what a surprise. Perhaps "learn from your mother or you'll spend your days biting your own neck" is a little on the nose… [muffled words] you've read my books, right? [muffled words] Good, good.

Missy - The Airbourne Toxic Event

"But I swear there's still some good in me, I think if you'd stuck around you'd see, all the botched attempts at integrity I once had"

Oh, I was feeling philosophical when I picked this one. No, philosophical isn't the right word… melancholy? Do people still use that word? "I swear I swear I swear I'll never get sad" is both furiously defiant and yet so self-defeatingly ironic. [Exasperated noise] Enough of that. Next!

Please Don't Leave Me - P!nk

"I don't know if I can yell any louder, how many times have I kicked you out of here, or said something insulting? I can be so mean when I wanna be, I am capable of nearly anything, when my heart is broken… (please, please don't leave me)"

Oh, we’re… we’re getting to this section now. [clearing throat] Well, I have to make up for that sucking dick line, don’t I? Get a bit vulnerable. Oh God, why did I decide to do this bit? [muffled words] [bad chicago accent] But why buy the cow? Because you love him, you really do. [sigh, laughter]

Next To Me - Imagine Dragons

"Oh, I always let you down, shattered on the ground, still I find you there, next to me, and oh, the stupid things I do, I'm far from good it's true, still I find you, next to me"

Why did I- I don’t remember putting so many of these ones in.

Run To You - Pentatonix

"I've been settling scores, I've been fighting so long, but I've lost your war, and our kingdom is gone... how shall I win back your heart which was mine? I have broken bones and tattered clothes, I've run out of time"

[Sigh] [clears throat] Yeah. I think we can move onto the next one.

Love of My Life - Queen

“Love of my life, don't leave me, you've stolen my love, you now desert me, love of my life, can't you see? Bring it back, bring it back, don't take it away from me, because you don't know, what it means to me”

I play this one sometimes on my baby grand when we've had a fight, and it's impossible for him to stay angry. He's a sucker for this sort of… formality in romance. God, I wish I'd realised that earlier. If I'd written him a letter in fancy copperplate script with scented paper and enclosed rose petals politely requesting him to bend me over his desk back in the day, it might not have taken two centuries of mutual blue balls for us to figure our shit out. Ah well, live and learn… as it were. [muffled words] Look, I did a whole bunch of vulnerable songs! Now I get to make sex jokes! [laughter] oh fuck off.

[conaionaru]

Honor and Blood (Ivar the Boneless)

A husband that fits you

Synopsis: Vanya arrives at Kattegat and meets her husband to be. She learns what Silas meant when he said he found her "a husband that fits her."

Warning: Angst, Ivar (that's a warning on itself), forced marriage

Tagged: 

@youbloodymadgenius

I don't own the gifs. Also thank you for your support I really appreciate it. 

One thing Vanya learned during the journey to Kattegat was that she loves the sea. The splashing of the waves, the partial silence. It was so different from what she was used to, and she liked it. Another thing is that Bjorn isn't as scary as she thought. He seems fine for a "filthy and bloodthirsty savage" - like everybody calls them.

Also, Scandinavia is cold. She already put on a cloak to keep her warm, but she is still shaking. If it is nerves or the cold, she has no idea. Hopefully, it's from the cold. Freezing to death seems like an excellent alternative to marrying Ivar. Bjorn told her a few things; he said that his younger half brother has a temper. Otherwise, he seemed reluctant to share anything about him. He also watched her like a hawk whenever she stood too near to the edge of the ship. As if she would fall in, or jump.

The days passed too fast for her liking. Today they would arrive in Kattegat. She can already see the land and its people getting ready to greet them. The nearer they got, the more she shook in her seat. It scared her to think about her husband. He was young and temperamental. Silas's words kept haunting her: "I chose a man I knew would fit you perfectly." Who knows what kind of monster Ivar is.

"We are nearly there." Bjorn's voice drew her from her thoughts. Vanya looked at the man before her and nodded. She knew. Of course, Vanya knew. She took a deep breath and stood up, looking at the people awaiting her arrival. One of them is her husband. A lot of them are very handsome and tall. That is a good sign. What would be the odds that Ivars any different?

The ship hit the shore, and Bjorn helped Vanya get off when a woman with three men walked forward. She held her head high and was stunning. And the young men by her side were handsome too. "Welcome to Kattegat, Princess Vanya. We are happy to have you here."

Vanya bowed before the royal family and smiled a timid smile. "It is a pleasure to be here, Queen Aslaug."

The pretty Queen smiled back at her and mentioned to the men by her side. "My sons, Ubbe, Hvitserk, and Sigurd." All three smiled at her, but she didn't have the energy to smile back. Where was Ivar? "And, of course, Ivar." She said, mentioning to somebody by Ubbe's side. Vanya looked towards the direction Aslaug pointed and froze. Her husband to be was dragging himself over the ground. Silas chose her a cripple as a husband.

She ignored her thoughts and bowed before him, as well. "Nice to meet you. My name is Vanya." She smiled the most dashing smile she could. Mother always said smiling is very important when meeting someone. It makes a good impression.

Ivar only scoffed and raised an eyebrow at her. "I know who you are." He said, rolling his eyes, making her pause.

"Ivar." Warned Aslaug before leading Vanya to the Great hall. Mother said to walk beside her husband, but that was very hard when he dragged himself behind them, looking like he would rather be anywhere else. Instead, she walked with the Queen, who kept asking her questions.  "How do you like Kattegat so far? How was the journey?" She answered them only not to be rude.

But, all she could think about was that it finally made sense what Silas meant. "A husband that would fit her." A man who dragged himself through the dirt perfectly fits a princess who belongs to the animals. The great hall was huge and filled with food and servants who filled their cups the moment they sat down. Aslaug sat a the head of the table with Ivar on her left. Next to him sat Vanya with Hvitserk on her other side. In front of her sat Ubbe with Sigurd on his left and Bjorn on Aslaugs right. They all talked between them while Vanya listened to their strange language. She had no idea what was being said, and it frustrated her. She knew nothing of the people she will live with from now on. She was sent in blind and deaf.

"So, Princess. How do you like Ivar?" Sigurd suddenly asked, making everybody stop. Vanya looked at the ginger Viking and blink. She did expect that question. Ivar, on the hand, just glared at him.

"I do not know him that well to judge just yet." She tried hoping he would drop the topic.

But obviously, the prince had no intention to help her. "What of his looks?" He was digging for an answer, and she knew it.

"Sigurd," Aslaug warned, fixing her son with a look that said the man ignored.

"He should know what she thinks of him if he is to marry her. You said so yourself, mother. So go on, Princess. What do you think of my brother?"

Vanya fidgeted, praying for the ground to swallow her whole. She didn't want to offend anybody, especially Ivar. "He is very handsome." She said, smiling softly before sipping on her drink. The answer seemed to satisfy Ivar if his smug look was anything to go by.

"And what of his legs?" Vanya choked on her drink the moment the words left Sigurds lips. Ivar tightened his grip on the knife and growled lowly. Ubbe tried to calm the two brothers down, but it was to no vail. "You must have an opinion on them if you choose him."

Vanya swallowed and looked at the daring savage. "My brother choose my husband. I didn't even know his name till Bjorn told me. But I do not care." This made Ivar pause in his anger.

Sigurd raised an eyebrow at her and frowned. "Really? Don't you care that your husband is a cripple? That you will be known as the wife of Ivar the Boneless?"

Vanya shook her head and looked at the fuming man from the corner of her eye. "No. His looks or disability are not necessary. It's what's on the inside that counts. I care more for somebody's heart, then somebody's appearance."

"Well, then I am sorry to tell you that Ivar has no heart."  Sigurd laughed, making Ivar launch himself over the table at him only for Hvitserk and Ubbe to hold him back as Aslaug scolded Sigurd in their native language. Vanya frowned at that. The brothers managed to calm down Ivar, but he still looked like he was planning his brother's murder. Vanya could not blame him. Sigurd angered her too.

Maybe that's why she wanted him to get a taste of his own medicine. "My people say none of you have hearts. So I guess I shall judge for myself if it is true or not. I also don't think you should be so mean."

The Queen and the five princes looked at her in surprise. Sigurd licked his lips and smile at her. "And why is that?"

"I don't think you have a right to judge him if your eye looks like that of a snake. It is not fair." She answered, cursing herself the moment it left her lips. She must have gone mad during the journey. She will die before her wedding, for sure. Her thoughts of death were interrupted by Ivar chuckling with a smug look on his face. Ubbe and Sigurd also looked amused, which she did not expect.

"She fits you, Ivar. She also got a sharp tongue." Ubbe teased, making her blush. At least she would not die. Yet.

The feast continued as Aslaug talked to her about the wedding and the ceremonies involved. The sacrifice scared her, especially when Ivar mentioned that he wanted a human sacrifice instead of a goat. But luckily, Ubbe talked him out of it. "The Princess is already pale now if she sees a human sacrifice she might faint before the wedding, Ivar." So Ivar agreed to kill a goat instead, but only if the goat is perfect. Aslaug reassured him she would see to it to which Sigurd scoffed but didn't say anything else.

After the feast was over, Vanya was happy to retreat to her room and calm herself down. The Queen told her that the place was only temporary before the wedding, as she would move in with Ivar afterward. That isn't precisely what Vanya wanted to hear before she went to bed. The reality of the fact that she isn't a guest came crashing down at her.

The ginger princess ignored the feeling of being trapped in a foreign place with strangers. A blonde thrall helped her undress and change into a nightgown. The girl also unbraided her hair and took off her necklace. She didn't understand English, which Vanya regretted. She hoped to find out more about Ivar from her. But all she knows is that the girl's name is Margrethe.

From what she saw at the feast, Sigurd and Ivar hate each other, Ivar is impulsive and has a bad temper. The only person she knew that has a bad temper is Silas. And he usually just plans executions when he is angered. Or humiliates you. She hopes Ivar is different. Otherwise, she is marrying her brother in somebody else's body, which is very worrisome and messed up.

It makes sense why Bjorn only said that Ivar's complicated. The word complicated not only fits him but also hides who Ivar is. Or maybe he is different. She hopes he is different for her sanity and survival. It would be too much of a cruel joke to have escaped the monsters of her family only to marry another monster.

Margrethe left after her job was done, leaving Vanya to think. So she sat down on her bed and looked at the ceiling. That is until somebody knocked on her door.

[posijeff-blog]

Chapter 2, Young, Poor, and Jewish In my initial year at UWM  I took two semesters of Biblical Hebrew language under Dr. Bernard Grossfield. Some of that era of the tongue translated to contemporary conversational Hebrew which I was able to use in my daily dialogue with an elderly Palestinian coworker. I went on in the Religious Studies program to study with Rabbi Dana Evan Kaplan who I became friends with. At the time he was writing a book called, American Reform Judaism: An Introduction ( Rutgers University Press) which was to become highly esteemed in academic circles. I never wanted to move from Milwaukee but I knew it was time to travel. I narrowed my destinations down to India and Israel. Israel won out. I met Dana for lunch at Shaharazad restaurant to talk about it. He thought it was a great idea and cool that I had no plans and just a few loose contacts in The Holy Land.  At the time I had very little money. Dana told me exactly what to do. "Go to the old city. People are going to ask you if you are Jewish. Just tell them your mother is Jewish. You know more about Judaism than most Jews." "But I have tattoos. I don't even look Jewish." "I didn't say you were a good Jew" I knew he was right. I needed to turn this head knowledge into experiential knowledge. Without doing so there would be no insight into first hand experience as a Jew. This was education and investigative journalism at once. The more I gave whole heartedly of myself as a Jew, the more I knew about being a Jew, and the more of a Jew I became. Believe your own bullshit. Dana told me some very specific things that came to manifest in Israel. For example, I would meet a guy at The Wall named Jeff Seidel who would ask if I would like a place to stay and I could stay with a religious family and study with them. This came to pass and so did some other interesting things. My first stop was in Tel Aviv where I'd to stay with a punk rocker I met in a punk chat room. Our connection was a n anarchist punk band whose 1994 record I had by some Jewish Israeli's called Nekhei Na'atza AKA Renounce Judaism. Like  a lot of American punk bands, I thought they were fast and thought provoking but if they believed in what they politically espoused they were painting with some broad strokes. To a large degree it was just another shock tactic, one that got them recognition in Israel and on talk shows where religious Jews tried to "deprogram" them. Believe it or not, pre-911 Israel didn't have a lot else going on as far as a hardcore scene.When I arrived the guys at the squat treated me like I was some sort of ambassador. They really rolled out the cat haired red carpet for me. These guys were so crusty one dude's deadlock fell off. I got up from the chair at the kitchen table after my NesCafe and my butt had a mustache. Their record collections were really small and they were stoked to get some presents I had for them  them from the States like the new Shelter, a Sensefield/Jimmy Eat World split 7", EVEL (from Milwaukee), and the Destroy LA 7" from Pressure. They liked the Pressure 7" right away and were pretty open to the other music as well. After taking a walk one of the guys took me aside and told me seriously that that the world would be a better place if the US were blown off the face of the Earth. He wanted me to meet with this guy who he said was the king of the punks in Tel Aviv. I wasn't interested.   There was a lot of partying going on that night in the streets because The Maccabees professional basketball team ( part of the European league) just won a big championship title. I slept for a few hours then sneaked out with all my stuff. I slept on a jungle gym and wound up getting this rash called "wrestlers back" from that or the squat: a bunch of gross boils all over my back. I was low on money from the start so I decided to walk to Jerusalem and hitch hike if need be as I heard it was safe to do so. I calculated in my mind that it was only 40 miles which was way off. But the major roads were lined with grapefruit trees and orange groves. I didn't want to steal so I was eating warm, sun drenched oranges and grapefruit that fell off the trees. I hitched a  ride in a van after the first 15 miles and got into an argument in Hebrew with the driver. It seems hitch hiking in Israel is safe because you are expected to pay. I told him I wasn't going to pay him one shekel since we were going to the same place. He was pissed but didn't kick me out. The kids in the back seat were cool. An orthodox family, one of the young boys asked if I liked Tu Pac. No matter where I seemed to go on this journey Palestinian and Israeli kids seemed to share a love and excitement for Tu Pac. When I got dropped off I found a grocer and bought a bottle of water. I started walking toward sights I'd seen in books: the mosque with the gold dome (which holds the slab of rock Abraham was going to sacrifice Isaac on), The Wall. A conservative guy with a yarmulke, white shirt, and black pants was coming home from work to his apartment and asked me in a New York accent if I was lost. I told him I wanted to get to The Wall before sundown as it was Friday. He invited me up to their apartment where I got to meet his young wife and baby son who I got to hold and play with. He prayed over me and gave me a yarmulke which was not real effective because I had a shaved head. It turned out he knew my friend Raphael's relatives in New York and our mothers were both from Sheboygan. He showed me a a haunting photo of his mom's dad visiting his home town in Latvia that was totally reduced to rubble by the Nazi's. I'm not sure why the guy felt compelled to return. My mother's family is Lithuanian, from that same region of the Europe I knew next to nothing about at the time. The couple sent me on my way with a bag of groceries, mostly native oranges and Israeli chocolates. I was so happy to have food. When I got to the wall it was as predicted I met Jeff Siedel. I wanted to go pray but he wanted to talk to me about the Chicago Blackhawks who were not doing so well at the time. There were so many cute girls there. I looked kind of awful, like a sun burnt skinhead. But the girls were all really sweet and nice to me. Most of them wore long conservative dresses. A few of them kept asking me about my tattoos. There was a group of men praying with some old scrolls. This guy with a beard who was about my dad's age asked if I was married. I told him no. "Well maybe you just haven't met the right girl." "Yeah, well that's the whole trick isn't it." These people were OG. Seidel wrote a name and address on a piece of paper for me of an elderly man and woman who I would have dinner with and stay with. I got to the apartment which reminded me of a clean early 20th century apartment in NYC except cobble stone streets below, less sirens, and more sounds of people praying and singing. The meal itself took hours. I turned down the boiled chicken that was sitting out for three hours. But the wine was delicious. I was really poor at reading from the prayer books in Hebrew but they were patient with me, like loving grandparents. I asked the  man why in earlier times miracles occurred like parting of the red sea. People, as he explained were more in touch with nature, with God then. Even the most depraved person had a sense of reverence for that which could not be explained. Today we credit meteorology as a logical science, more believable than God even while fifty percent of people complain about the weather man getting shit wrong half the time. Perfect Deity, developing science. When it came time to bid farewell the next day I wanted to give the matriarch a hug but there seemed to be some rule against it. But I got a strong sense of love from them and some solid handshakes. They even gave me money. I hit the streets and saw the sights. The hottest chicks around were the Israeli Army girls. All these girls were my age and wore grunge styled army fatigues and held Uzis that were attached to a strap that went around there necks. I guess I have a little Ted Nugent in me. I don't know why but if you put a gun on an already hot girl she becomes totally hot. It's a weird phenomenon. I'm weird. I figured I may as well do something positive with my time. I saw a sign that said "Emergency Clinic" in English then something in Arabic outside the City's Jewish quarter. I had just gotten a CPR and first Aid certification from the American Red Cross before I came over. Maybe they could use some help with all the fighting. I didn't see any bloodshed but there was a really high tension in the air as Jews  interacted cordially yet cautiously with Palestinians and vice versa. I can imagine it was a similar "in the air tonight"  feeling prevalent during the American years of segregation down south. I saw some Arab kids playing with guns, hiding around the corner and shooting at one another. I wondered how long before they would be carrying guns for real. The thought bummed me out. I got to the clinic and it appeared to be run by Muslims because I didn't see anybody there except some shoes on what looked like a Moroccan rug. Out of nowhere two guy ran out of the clinic in white robes pointing Uzis at me. The head guy from the clinic (I was later lead to assume) walked up to me with a Chinese AK and pointed it at my forehead. Realizing I didn't speak their native tongue the head honcho asked what the fuck I was doing there. I told him I was just seeing if they needed any help. It was confusing to him. He grabbed my wrist and asked me what the Hebrew tattoo meant on it. I told him it was one of the Hebrew words for meditation from the Bible. Ironically I got it done in NYC by Tee Schwartz , a skinhead from Milwaukee. Honcho told his buddies to go back in the clinic and started talking to me about meditation. He said his brother was into meditation. He told me to be more careful  because he was about to shoot me. It was all good. To be honest, I did not feel scared for one second. I was on Holy ground. One of my last stops that day was at the Garden of Gethsemane, where Jesus was betrayed by Judas Iscariot. I saw Reggie White from the Green Bay Packers there which was awesome and I got my picture taken with him. Nobody else knew who he was. A few Israeli soldiers thought I was getting my picture taken with him because he was a black giant. They told me there was an even bigger black guy there a few days earlier. What the hell is wrong with these people? It's Reggie White! Seeing him made me homesick. I was already missing Milwaukee, my apartment, and my 13" TV set. I was leaving Jerusalem with more money I had arrived with on account of the nice people I met. I got a shuttle to Tel Aviv and flew to Amsterdam, then home.