#ps also the actual moral of the story is that I'm cool and talented and NOT a failure as a counselor like my gremlin brain tells me I am

[erosephalopod]

It's interesting to me, the discourse that 'based on my likes!' apparently I should be seeing - the stuff about reclaiming queer slurs. Who can. Who can't. Which ones. Kinda exemplifies for me this idea that there is one highly specific prescribed "good" way to be and if you don't live exactly like that then you're bad. Like I get kinda Doug Forcett from The Good Place vibes from it and all BUT it does remind me of an anecdote I have.

So, god help me, I'll share it. Because I want to assuage my professional imposter syndrome by tooting my own horn about adding a bit of depth to something professional more than I don't want to be dragged into discourse apparently. Which means it's story time!

I facilitate a domestic violence group for men as part a local community agency. So we're at a goddamn mouthful of an anecdote already. It's curriculum based, and I generally like the curriculum but it could stand to have some more depth and connections or themes could be teased out and highlighted better. I imagine this is because it's designed as a "process group" (lots of participating) and we end up having to run it more like a psycho-educational group (so it's a bit thin sometimes). But I digress again. One of the lessons I teach - the one I taught literally seven hours ago - is on apologies.

Apologies are actually a pretty specific skill, and even people that AREN'T in unhealthy relationship patterns can benefit from learning about them. Who'd'a thunk, right?

After going over the steps of a good apology, the next stretch of material covers common pitfalls. The first is "not being genuine". Because yeah, obviously, right? But a lot of our social role models and structures teach us to be disingenuous. Every elementary/primary schooler who's wound up in a spat with another kid and they were both made to apologize is keenly aware of that. So it's a good reminder, but also we tack on to that the constant reminder of "I'm sorry you feel that way" or "I'm sorry that hurt your feelings" is bullshit.

And then the material takes a sudden turn and allows that this is sometimes acceptable, but you need to be careful with it.

Now being the neurodivergent asshole I am, I feel the need to explore this. It's a truism. Even if I can think about it and be like "okay maybe", I can't just casually dispel a truism in DV group without backing it up. AND a good example would illustrate some of the underlying critical thinking social skill stuff that connects a lot of the lessons. So I pondered. And I've piloted one I think is good a few times, which The Discourse™️ reminds me of.

A key reason to NOT use those kinds of apologies is that they ultimately shift value judgments from your behavior and reduce it only to the impact it has. They say "well what I did was fine, but apparently you're a big baby so sorry you can't handle stuff I guess." When might a message like that be okay? When your behavior wasn't inappropriate, and this doesn't need to be stopped, but your behavior caused problems for someone and you want to let them know you'll be careful not to cause them problems again. Not because they're a baby, but because everyone is different. (And you still use all the rest of the steps.) So:

My friends and I are all queer of some variety. Some of us about gender. Some about sexuality. Some both. It's a neat bag. And we joke all sorts of ways when we're together. We call charcuterie "cheese faggotry". We make jokes around queer people not being able to sit right (most of us don't in my group lol). I script The Grand Budapest Hotel's "that fucking faggot!" and "I thought I was supposed to be a fucking faggot?" -> "You are, but you're bisexual." Etc. In our subset of queer life, we're all fine with that. But say I invite a new friend over. The rest of us carry on like normal. New friend is VERY uncomfortable hearing "faggot" used so casually, as an example. Say it's for trauma reasons. Say it's just because they disagree I should use it. I would not apologize for using it. I'm not sorry. I will do it again. I don't think it was wrong to do in general. But I WOULD apologize for doing something that made them uncomfortable. I'd recognize what makes them uneasy and I'd let them know I won't do it again around them because it matters to me that they feel comfortable. I'd say "I'm sorry that I did something that made you uncomfortable" and move from there.

It's a weird example to give to a group of men I barely know, but it's what I've got. "Okay, fuck, but what's the point, Squid?"

Whoops. Does there have to be? But I guess it boils down to this: The guiding principles isn't "always do this" and "never do that" and "follow this list of rules". The rules - and their exceptions - exist to serve a simple interpersonal principle: "care about the people around you and interact in a way that strives to recognize what matters and how you impact it". Everything in the skills portion of that book, from the assertiveness skills to the active listening to the tips for nondefensive and respectful disagreement to even the stuff about attachment style and communication, rolls back to that same idea. "If you care about this person, then you both benefit most from collaboration and engagement". Things like the slur reclamation carrd drift so far away from core principles that they can seem baffling. I don't think the world is as simple as "does this behavior hurt anyone? is this my business?" but, even as an autistic person, I find the idea that there are bylaw-style guidelines to the correct human experience not only silly but undesirable. And I promise you don't win points by dying on an ideological hill that isn't quite connected to reality. If you and your other queers use slurs and nobody's being upset or oppressed by it, then it isn't anyone else's business. Similarly, if you're wading through territory with lots of perspectives and around people who have diverse experiences and something you do makes someone uncomfortable, you don't do more good in the world by telling them "too bad".

Learn to say sorry. Learn to communicate your needs and perspectives. Collaborate with your fellow humans to make sure you're having a positive experience. Life isn't simple, but sometimes