#probably a personal trainer so I'd actually exercise

[cambriancrew]

I'd like to briefly talk about a kind of dysphoria rarely talked about outside of eating disorder circles. So content warning, food and diet and weight discussion ahead.

We grew up very unhealthy skinny due to abuse and neglect and food related trauma. Because of that, our internal view of ourselves was as this tiny little girl. We were anorexic - not nervosa, just VERY minimal appetite - and a picky eater with texture and taste sensitivities due to autism and, again, trauma. We have and have long had really bad emetophobia due, yet again, to trauma. We had body image issues related to people we knew who were at a healthy weight being jealous of how skinny we were, which made us feel guilty and even worse about food.

Then as an adult we started working in healthcare as a nurse's aide and med tech, which are very physically demanding jobs and everywhere we worked was horribly understaffed so we rarely had time to sit and most often did not get breaks. We joked a lot about having a nurse's bladder because when you're chronically too busy to pee you get to where you can wait forever to go. There for awhile we were consistently walking 20,000 - 30,000 steps a day - more like 40,000 if we were forced to work a double shift (16 hours). And rarely eating a full lunch/dinner/both because of time constraints and being in too much pain and too tired to eat.

As a result, we remained underweight by a lot. We were doing our best just to maintain our weight at 90-95 pounds - drinking protein shakes and meal replacement shakes and snacking as much as we could.

We viewed ourselves, internally, as being this stick thin, no curves girl, even though despite all that we did have curves.

Then we left the healthcare field for a sedentary job, got put on an antidepressant that actually gave us an appetite for the first time in forever, and worked through a lot of our trauma.

And over two years we doubled in weight. At first as we gained we were really glad to finally hit the triple digits. Then it became a concern, as we can't push ourselves to walk as much as we used to when working healthcare. We just can't do it anymore without severe pain. Heck, we couldn't do it then without severe pain, but we pushed through because we needed money.

We don't recognize ourselves in the mirror anymore. We want to lose weight, but working out is difficult, and having to actually watch what we eat for the first time in our life has been a difficult adjustment.

It's not just the mirror. We can't move the way we used to. Sitting cross-legged when you're fat is harder than when you're thin. Crossing our arms or holding one hand in the other physically reminds us that we have an actual chest now, which is especially hard on Varyn as that creates gender dysphoria for him.

And it just feels weird trying to adjust our mental picture of what we look like now against what we looked like the rest of our life. It feels wrong to look at ourselves and see us so much bigger than we used to. Old clothes don't fit. And we can't wear long sleeves as much as we used to because now we overheat so easily now (partly due to weight and partly due to medications) when we used to be cold all the time.

We don't wanna go back to being unhealthy skinny. But we don't want to be the weight we are now. And while we've been able to lose some, it's slow going and difficult.

I feel like, due to some of our health issues, we probably need to see a physical therapist and a personal trainer in order to figure out how much we can safely exercise, but who can afford that in this economy?

So for now, we're stuck with a body that clashes badly with our internal view of what we should look like and feel like and be able to do. And that's a kind of dysphoria that we feel needs to be talked about and recognized more outside of eating disorder circles. Cuz it sucks. But we know we're not alone in this.

[your-divine-ribs]

Kinktober 🩵 Surrender

"Think you can handle me?" He smirked down on you.

Words: 2.3k // Sam Fender // maybe size kink idk // inspired by that video of Sam boxing 🥊

Kinktober Masterlist Main Masterlist

🩵 You hated gyms. You much preferred going for a run to keep fit, hearing your feet rhythmically pounding the pavement and feeling the sun on your skin and the wind in your hair. You were alone out there with your thoughts, not cooped up in a sweaty room with those insufferable posers who spent more time checking out their reflections than working on their fitness. But still... here you were.

🩵 You reasoned with yourself that there was good reason to keep paying your local gym's extortionate monthly fees despite your aversion to the place. It wasn't the promise of that unattainable gym body or the high tech equipment or even the high energy cardio classes that saw you keep coming back though. It was something else far more alluring.

🩵 You watched him now from across the room, head down whilst he drove his gloved fists into the trainer's cushioned pads. Over and over again, harsh and precise, his face a mask of determination and concentration.

🩵 He was the fuel of your recent fantasies, almost a stranger if not for the frequent loaded glances you two shared across the workout space, the casual smile of greeting as you slipped past him on your way to the changing rooms, often feeling more heated from watching him train than your own workout.

🩵 You'd been following his progress for months now, you'd watched his slender frame transform as he'd bulked up. He looked so strong now with his big broad back and those powerful arms, the muscles in his biceps evident as he drew back to take another swing at the trainer's pad.

🩵 Just imagine what damage that powerful body could do to a little thing like you, you thought, heat rising in the most inappropriate places. You squirmed lightly against the narrow seat of the exercise bike you were perched on, temporarily forgetting you were supposed to be working out.

🩵 "Ever tried boxing? It's great cardio ya know, much better than those bikes." His warm Geordie twang carried to you across the gym, snapping you out of your sordid thoughts. "Mind you, you'd probably find it more effective if ya actually peddled on it."

🩵 "Oh... I... err... I just got distracted for a moment," you stuttered, your cheeks blazing at being caught staring, your feet reaching for the pedals.

🩵 "Oh aye?" He cocked his head at you, playfully cheeky in a way that flustered you even more. "Well why don't you come and join me then? Mike's got to leave early so I need a sparring partner. Maybe I could teach ya a thing or two? Get yer pulse racing more than that bike ever could."

🩵 Oh... this boy was trouble. The glint of mischief in his eyes, the smirk on his face that made his dimples pop. You found yourself climbing down off the bike automatically even though you weren't sure if it was such a good idea. "Sparring? Me? I hardly think I'd be any good at that!"

🩵 "Come on, it's easy," he urged, holding out the gloves to you. "I'll go easy on ya... promise. I'm Sam by the way."

🩵 So there you were ten minutes later, both not caring that the gym had started to empty out so close to closing time. Your fists were clenched inside the boxing gloves and you tried to stand tall even though Sam dwarfed you in his stance, not quite athletic but certainly solid. You may as well have been standing in front of a brick wall. As you were a complete beginner he'd assured you that he wouldn't fight back. "Just come at me," he grinned encouragingly. "Let's see what ya got."

🩵 "Aren't you gonna wear any protective gear? Maybe I'm tougher than I look!" You giggled, knocking your gloves together, bouncing on the balls of your feet, enjoying the blatant flirtation between the two of you.

🩵 "I don't doubt it," he smiled, fixing you with a challenge in his eyes as he made a show of bracing himself. You weren't a violent person so fighting didn't come naturally to you, but your fiery side was undeniably sparked.

🩵 The first punch you threw had little strength and Sam dodged it easily, the second connected with his forearm but he swatted it quickly away. You huffed out a laugh, loving the playful chemistry that crackled between you, cursing as you fired a few more blows and they glanced off him like they were thin air.

🩵 "Feisty little thing ain't ya?" He chuckled, swerving to the side as the drive of your fist nearly made you stumble over the mat. You swiftly righted yourself, pulling another few punches to his gut in quick succession which made him suck in a breath.

🩵 "Don't judge a book by it's cover, I might be small but I'm deadly!" You laughed, shooting your fists out again and again, satisfied when they connected with the plane of Sam's chest. He was right, boxing definitely did get your pulse racing. You were already working up a sweat, a ticklish bead of perspiration trickling down from your collar bone to your cleavage which Sam's eyes hungrily followed.

🩵 "Good girl, that was a solid hit," he said, and you tried to ignore the way his words of praise travelled straight down between your thighs. "Now why don't you really come for me? Give me all that ya got. I can take it!"

🩵 "I hope you're ready!" You warned with a grin. The air between you was thrumming, the heat rising between you certainly not just from your physical endeavours. The gym had fully emptied and you were both red-faced and panting into the silence. Sam ducked and he twisted, deflecting blow after blow and you were sure that you'd never land a hit on him again until you caught his eyes raking down your Lycra-clad frame and you took your chance.

🩵 You barrelled into him with all your might, fists pistoning, letting out a growl of exertion. You caught him unawares and heard his breath leave him in a shallow grunt, your momentum carrying your body forwards as Sam stumbled and tripped on the mat, flailing backwards, spitting out expletives whilst you tumbled clumsily on top of him.

🩵 "I did it, I got you! I got you down! You'd better surrender!" You cried triumphantly. You scrambled up to straddle his waist, acutely aware of the solid thickness of him through the thin material of your skimpy gym shorts. So he was big everywhere.

🩵 "Hey, not so fast!" He countered, and in a swift motion he'd grabbed both your wrists, flipping you over so you were the one lying on the mat whilst he knelt above you, hands secured at your sides. "Ya can't just attack and get complacent," he smirked down on you. "Ya always gotta be ready for a retaliation."

🩵 "But you said you wouldn't fight back!" You protested, trying to wriggle your arms free but it was no use. Just as suspected he was much too strong, his broad frame hovering over you, his blue eyes mesmerising as they bored into you. His gaze alone could probably pin you down just as effectively as the tight grip he had on your wrists.

🩵 His smile widened, lips curling into a devilish grin, teasing. He was enjoying this just as much as you, having you lying there beneath him in submission. "I said I wouldn't fight back but I never said anything about letting you win did I? Now I think you'll be the one surrendering."

🩵 Your breath caught as he allowed his body to sink down closer to yours, your hips almost touching. You needed more, feeling bold, arching your back a little off the floor so your bodies met, giving your hips an experimental roll into his. You looked him dead in the eye. "Make me."

🩵 That was all the encouragement he needed. His lips were on yours in a second, capturing the hungry groan that bubbled up as he let his body weight sink down fully on to yours. He pulled your wrists up above your head, still pinning them to the mat as the gloves got discarded. His tongue explored your mouth as desire buzzed through your body.

🩵 "Been dreaming about this," he muttered as he pulled back, remaining close with his forehead still pressed to yours. "How you'd feel beneath me, how your lips would taste. It's all I've been thinking of if ya must know."

🩵 "Me too," you admitted, gasping as his lips travelled down your jaw to find your neck, blood rushing to the surface as he nipped along your collarbone. "I want you... right here and now. There's no one around... it's just us, c'mon..."

🩵 He felt so big pressing down on you, your legs spread achingly wide for him as he began to slowly grind against you, his flimsy gym shorts not much of a barrier against the feel of him hot and hard and eager for you. "Really fucking want you," you gasped out.

🩵 "We can't do it here," he said, frustration and desire lacing his words in conflict. "What if someone comes in? We're in the middle of the bloody gym! Security'll be here to lock up at any minute."

🩵 "Changing rooms!" You blurted out, rocking your hips up harder into his, forcing a growl from his lips that made you almost come undone there and then. "C'mon, no one'll see us if we hurry."

🩵 It wouldn't be your first choice of location for an intimate first time hookup, soaked in sweat and pressed up against the wall of a gym changing room by a practical stranger.

🩵 “Fuck... I can't believe what we're doin'!" He hissed as you both hurriedly shed clothing, racing against getting caught in the act but also desperate to feel each other's skin on your own. It was wild and risky and crazy but that just added to the thrill.

🩵 He picked you up like you weighed nothing, your body sliding against the cool tiled wall as you wrapped your legs around his hips. There was something so raw and carnal and downright filthy about it, it made your cunt clench, you wanted him to ruin you in the best way possible.

🩵 "Think you can handle me?" He smirked down on you. Just as you suspected he was big and you almost balked at the sight of him, your hesitance quickly chased away as he pressed himself hot and snug to your entrance, his tip breeching you temptingly as you clung to him. "Give me all you've got," you whispered, eyes meeting in a moment of pure lust as you recited his earlier words. "I can take it."

🩵 It was a struggle, the thickness of his cock making you burn and stretch tight around him, your eyes watering as he pushed inside with a guttural groan. Your fingers clawed at his broad back, scrambling to find purchase as he filled you to the brim. "Goddamn... you're so fucking tight. Feels so good... shit..."

🩵 You didn't think you'd ever been filled this good before, every slow push of his hips pressing his cock impossibly deeper inside you until you felt like he could split you in two. It was sublime, the reality of him taking you like this so daringly in a public place everything that you'd been fantasising about.

🩵 "So... are ya gonna surrender after all?" He breathed down on you, delighted at the little choked whimpers you stuttered out as he began to rut his hips at a powerful pace, pounding you into the wall. In truth you were already too overwhelmed to speak, half-formed garbled words melting into sobs of pleasure as his hands slipped between your sweat-slicked bodies to rub at your swollen clit.

🩵 "Harder... please... fuck me harder!" You choked out, begging unabashedly. His pace increased in tune with your grunts and moans until stars were bursting behind your eyelids, your comparatively slight frame wracked with shudder after shudder.

🩵 He had you coming soon after, the blissful barrage of sensations too powerful to bear, the imposing feel of him fucking you up against the wall everything that you'd dreamed of. Your orgasm hit you like a freight train, your fingernails digging hard enough to leave crescent moons on his bare back.

🩵 "Ahhh... fuck," he groaned, your tight cunt clenching him just right, triggering his own release as you rode out your high. You watched in awe as his gorgeous face twisted in pleasure before his head fell into the hollow of your neck, lips pressed feverishly against your skin.

🩵 You stayed like that for a moment, locked together panting breathlessly, your hands buried in his scruffy curls. "Are ya okay?" His voice was quiet, almost timid compared to the heat of before. "I mean I didn't hurt ya did I? I got a bit carried away." A gentle laugh before he raised his head to look searchingly into your eyes, smile fading as genuine concern surfaced. "I'd really hate to hurt ya."

🩵 Your own smile was reassuring, coaxing his back. The realisation of what you'd just done was starting to filter through your post-orgasmic haze but you were still on a high, on top of the world, soaring to dizzying heights. "I'm good... actually I'm better than good. I really like you Sam."

🩵 "Good," he grinned, lips hovering over yours. "'Cause the feeling's definitely mutual... if it wasn't already obvious." You both laughed against each other's lips, sealing the start of something wonderful with a searing kiss.

[frostbite-yinny]

*gets inside the sanctuary* Hello ^^ I'd like to adopt a Pokemon... That would be able to be friends with a Hisuian Typhlosion (don't ask how idk how my jothonian quilava turned into a ancient Typhlosion) ,Driftblim, Noivern, Mimikyu and galvantula?

I'm currently in paldea for school reasons

Hey there! We can definitely find you a fit :D So, it seems that you are not looking for one specific type, has fully evolved Pokemon so I'm assuming you battle and you probably won't be able to take care of a Pokemon with heavy special needs since you are in a region for school and likely to move back and forth a lot.

With that in mind, I mostly went for paldean pokemon with a few mentions and suggestions of eggs at the end:

BEEP BEEP the dudunsparce: BEEP BEEP's egg (he is registered with full caps but responds to just beep) has been bought by a private elementary school. You know, small, generally weak, and lazy Pokemon. Perfect class pet, right? Wrong. BEEP BEEP wanted to battle the second he hatched, he was hungry, for blood. The school tried to keep him relatively satisfied by letting the students battle him but it was never enough for him. On a Monday, he was found fully evolved, sleeping in the classroom. This little psycho sneaked out every night to fight anything and everyone that he came across. Regular exercise and battling are a must for him to get ahead of his… destructive behavior.

Grafaiai A.K.A the little asshole: I talked about him in the shelter before, he is still here, please take him. This little shit used to have a teenager trainer who teaches him to flip people off. The teenage girl's mother dropped the grafaiai saying that it was a bad influence, like her 'little angel' wasn't the one who thought him to flip people off. So, yeah, I don't like him. I once had to come to the shelter at 3am cuz a newbie was freaking out about him getting sick because he has no idea what to do. Apparently, he was feeding a sick ponyta treats to raise its mood and it started to act sick for treats. I tried to scold him for his behavior. He flipped me off. Take him. (I don't actually hate him, he is adorable and deserves a good home, I'm just salty)

Dame Agatha the Tinkatuff: Dame Agatha is a Pokemon that earned the Dame title through hard work. She used to belong to a company that provided personal bodyguard services. She was dropped here after the company was sold to a bigger one and they made it private. She is a very loyal Pokemon. She is strong, level-headed, and even trained to not attack any steel types unless given the OK. I must warn you thought, she is pretty close to evolution.

Now, a few pokemon that I think could interest you: Blitz the Grumpig (he used to be a circus performer), a grimer, around 24 morelull (I hate shiny breeders with a burning passion) a VERY chonky Clodsire, a poor-sighted Rockruff and a Sentret

Finally, a few eggs if you are interested in those: A sunkern egg, 4 different eggs from Paldea (we have no idea whats in them), a Minccino egg, 2 larvesta eggs, a sneasel egg, a Flittle egg and what we think is a charcadet egg (might be any fire type)

And anyone else that is interested in adopting, can feel free to ask me for more or adopt these pokemon I put up here :D

[stuffmyfriendssay]

walk me home

My fill for whumptober day 7: the way you shake and shiver

I went the panic attack, shaky hands route, ina kind of experimental first person POV. I'm really happy with how it turned out, but as its based on my own thought processes, I don't really know how it would come across to other people. I'd love any feedback people are willing to give!

Ah shit, fucking panicking fucking wow, thanks brain.

We were doing fine weren’t we, just out for a walk, didn’t even see one of my triggers you just decided to be a bitch and make me feel like I’m dying? Okay then, be like that, see if I care, see if I…

Oh.

Oh, wow. Huh.

Yeah, no, this sucks. This sucks, this sucks, this sucks, this…

Shit.

Well it’s only like twenty minutes to walk home from here, right? Maybe I can get home before this gets, like, properly bad or whatever.

Route home’s easy, so… deep breathing. Grounding exercises. From your stomach or whatever. Imagine you’re filling the corners of a box with your breath, got to get all the way out to the corners. In. Out. In.

Wonderful, I am officially, according to my therapist, able to breathe. Success is sweet.

Step 2: grounding techniques. How about that five things one? What is it, five things you can see, four things you can hear, three things you can touch? Or is it four things you can touch and three you can hear? Whatever, doesn’t matter as long as it works right?

Okay, what can I see? Uh, there’s a fucking building right there. Is that specific enough? No? Maybe? Big concrete building, lots of windows, ugly. Better. Two: super weird looking tree/bush thing in the park. Three? Umm, oh, wow, umm… yeah, breathing, huh. 

Three… there’s a guy running, he’s got bright pink trainers on that’s kind of funny. He’s running super fast actually. Right towards me. Should probably move out of the way, huh.

“” “” “” “” “” “”

Shit. 

Why are we on the floor, brain. Why are we on the floor.

Running guy, right.

There is a crowd of people just standing and staring and one of them is coming closer is trying to touch you is touching you is…

Fuck. Well that solves that I guess. Way to go on ‘not solving your problems with violence’ though. Okay get up, get off the floor. Get your water bottle off the floor. Grounding clearly isn’t working, so how about just fucking walking, how about that. 

Get away from the crowd of people, nope, the other way, we wanna go home don’t we. Okay, back through the crowd? Hell no, that is not a good idea, that is not a…

Okay.

Okay, okay, okay.

Around the corner, once, twice, three times. 

Now home. Just walking. Home. Then breakdown. No more grounding techniques and definitely no more being run into by guys in pink trainers.

Just walking, I’m just walking. Nothing bad is happening, just walking, just gonna keep walking until I stop walking I can do that I can walk. Shit. Shit what was that? Oh, fuck, just dropped my water, that’s fine, that’s fine, just stop walking, just for a second, pick it up, start walking again.

Shit, dropped it again. Stupid fucking hands shaking. Gotta keep walking, keep a straight face, get home. We can break down when we get home, yeah? Get it together brain, all you’ve gotta do is keep me walking, keep my face neutral, and stop my fucking hands from fucking shaking fuck.

Shit. 

Dropped the fucking bottle again. 

Okay, maybe not walking, maybe not walking, but we can do breathing, right? We can still do breathing? We can’t do walking but we can still do breathing? Maybe? Oh, no this is harder than it should be, this is… Okay. Okay, okay, okay. Breathing.

Just breathing.

Just in then out then in then- 

Wow. Chill dude. It's just breathing, nothing deep. Nothing we haven’t done before.

Right, breathing: tick. Straight face: good enough. Walking: nope, we are standing still, just stood here, just stood in the middle of the street, not walking, not walking, just stood dropping the same water bottle over and over again, okay. People will start staring if we keep standing here, brain, people will keep staring until they get concerned, and when they get concerned they’ll either call the police or come over and you can’t deal with either of those right now, can you, brain? So walking. Just walking, straight face, breathing. Just til we get home. Just til… 

Fuck, okay.

Fuck.

We’ve got this, one foot in front of the other, just walking, breathing, face neutral, no-one will know, then we can break down at home, yeah? Just two more blocks, just 5 more minutes, just walking and breathing. Okay.

Okay.

Breathing is under control? Walking is… happening, what else were we worried about, brain? Huh? Oh, right yeah, shaking hands, dropping bottle. Okay, bottle in pocket, that’s just one extra motion we’ve got that. Okay, bottle, into pocket, hands free to shake without worrying about dropping things.

Now we can worry about shaking hands. Can’t put them in my pockets, cause those are full of water bottle, and we’ve got to focus on walking not just this. Think, think, umm. Clasped together? No. No, that’s not helping, that’s… that’s… okay. Okay, just walking for now, deal with shaking hands later. Okay, one more block, two minutes. Okay. 

Okay.

Hands are shaking, but like, that’s nothing new, hands are shaking, we’re walking, almost home, then we can break down, no more walking, no more neutral expression, just whatever happens, happens.

Whatever happens.

Just open the door. Keys in the lock, turn, open. Fuck, keys in the lock. Shit. Stupid fucking shaky hands fuck. Keys–slowly–in the lock–careful–and then we can… okay, keys in, turn, open.

Home. We’re home now, we’re home, we don’t have to walk anymore, face can do whatever, breathing would be nice, I guess, but oh. Oh, maybe not. Okay, just not breathing, not breathing, can’t breathe.

Can’t breathe.

Can’t breathe.

“” “” “” “” “” “”

Okay. 

Okay I’m tired now.

But I can breathe, that’s something. Hands still shaking but I don’t think it’s in a panicky way anymore, thank fuck. Oh I just want to go to bed. Oh please just a nap, just sleep for eight hours I don’t really care at this point.

We should probably shower first, shouldn’t we, brain. That would be nice. 

Right, okay. One, two, three, up… oh that does not feel great. Oh wow, okay. Back down we go. Right, slower this time, maybe, huh? One. Two. Three. And, up. Mostly. Okay maybe not shower first, maybe drink some water, eat some food, then have a shower. Then go the fuck to sleep. For like the rest of time or something. That sounds nice.

Okay, water: kitchen… then a glass… over to the sink… fill, drink, fill, drink, stop. And food? Maybe? I’ve got some chocolate around here somewhere, right? Hey, brain, where did we put our chocolate? Oh, nevermind, it’s literally right here. That’s good, that’s nice, that’s… oh. Wow. I really needed that sugar, huh?

Now, shower. 

Then bed. Then work tomorrow morning and no-one needs to be any the wiser. Right? No-one needs to know.