#probably a good thing as my sheltered closeted little christian kid self

[nonemous-blog]

An Open (but deeply personal) Letter on homophobia and hate based in religion

It’s been roughly 8 months since my last sobbing-in-the-shower-turned-into-a-full-blown-panic-attack session that led to me revealing to my husband “I think I’m a lesbian”.

Well, before today.

Let me backtrack. I grew up in a super religious, super conservative home where feelings were buried and considered irrelevant in the grand scheme of salvation and where your soul ultimately spends the rest of all time. I was so sheltered. I went to a private, Christian school during the week and went to church with the same kids on the weekend (and Wednesday evenings!). When one of us was tricked into saying “fuck” in 4th grade, I didn’t understand the big deal because I didn’t even know it was a word, but in middle school, when my best friend said “shoot a monkey!” (a perceived euphemism for “shoot”, not even “shit” but “shoot”) I literally thought she was going to be struck down that instant. That sheltered. My world was very black and white for far longer than I like to admit.

I was taught from the earliest of my memories that even leading someone to believe you’re doing something “wrong” (Abstain from all appearance of evil. ) could cause them to “slip” on their path to eternal life, thereby being responsible for the worst imaginable kind of suffering and agony for someone else forever. Do you know what kind of a mindfuck that is for a child, especially an empathetic child who sees a little bit of herself in literally everyone and wants no harm to come to anyone, ever?

But that was reality to me. “Don’t mess up. Don’t do anything that could cause other people to mess up. Your wants/needs/feelings don’t matter because what could possibly matter more than your eternal soul?”

Fast forward.

I realized I’m gay after being married to a man for 5 years. I should have known. I haven’t changed. It was just never an option to be anything but straight. It took me weeks of privately breaking down and full-blown panic attacks over my fears and confusion before I was able to say it out loud to my husband for the first time. I contribute such a late realization to being completely out of touch with myself for so long because of my childhood. I was so shielded and sheltered and oblivious to my feelings and the world around me. I’ve been surrounded by homophobic rhetoric literally my entire life. I don’t say any of this lightly. I’ve had 8 months to start getting over some of the deeply ingrained “principles” and resulting feelings of self-hate I didn’t even know existed but don’t surprise me. I understand the religious aspects of homophobia. No, that’s not right. I’m familiar with the religious aspects of homophobia, the “reasoning” if you want to call it that. I’ll never understand them.

Today, I found an article. It was anti-Trump. It was inflammatory. I saw the message it was meant to portray. “This is outrageous! Aren’t you outraged?!” Yes! I’m outraged. I’m exasperated. I’m broken-hearted. I’ve never felt so hopeless in my life.

Not long after seeing the headline “U.S. Votes Against United Nations Ban on Death Penalty for Same-Sex Relations”  I’m seeing snippets like “...wants to ‘rid the Earth’ of ‘wicked’ gays...” and “...doesn’t know whether or not gays and lesbians should be put to death...” and “...has called for gay people to be put to death...” (x)

Why, complete stranger, do you want me dead?

You’ve never met me. You don’t know me at all. Why do you think I deserve to die?

Actually, truthfully, you may know me. I’m still in the closet. The only person that knows my truth is my husband. If you met me on the street, you wouldn’t be able to tell. You’d see me walking with my husband and you probably wouldn’t give us a second glance. We look happy. We look “normal” by your standards. That doesn’t make me less gay. It just makes you more comfortable.

You won’t see the devastation. You won’t see the anguish of the realization that I can’t be the person I thought I was, the one I vowed to be when I vowed to spend the rest of my life with my best friend at my side. You won’t see the utter feeling of failure that I can’t be who he deserves. You won’t see the agony of wondering if I’ve condemned him to a life of either loneliness and feelings of inadequacy or eternal damnation since the religion I was raised in doesn’t recognize divorce and remarriage. You won’t see the fear for my future if I do find a woman that I want to love; my questioning of “am I potentially damning this person I claim to love to hell simply by loving her?”. You won’t see the disappointment of my entire family over their “failure” and their belief that I am going to hell. You won’t see the guilt. You won’t see the helplessness. You won’t see the consummate heartbreak.

I’ve lost a lot this year. I’ve been privately mourning relationships that haven’t ended yet. I’ve lost my faith. I’ve lost my entire sense of self. I’ve lost my marriage in the way I once defined it. I’ve lost my sense of security. I’ve lost things I can’t even admit anonymously. I’ve lost things I can’t even put into words, but I haven’t lost my humanity. I’m still human. I’m still a person.

What about me and my quiet existence is so threatening that you think I don’t deserve to live?

My heart is broken for every single person who has ever been forced to question “Why do they want me dead?” for any reason. I desperately wish I could take that confusion, pain, and terror away.

When it comes to religion, I’m over the whole concept of killing in the name of it. I’m over the hate because that’s what it is. Condemning people is not love. To me, if someone truly believed that another person was potentially doomed to spend all of their eternity in the fiery pits of hell - the worst kind of agony and misery forever - I can’t imagine how that person could do anything short of everything to try to save them from that fate, not send them there quicker.

Killing in the name of Christianity is a lie.

Thou shalt not kill. -God

There is nothing open to interpretation about that.

Prefer the New Testament to the Old?

Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself.

Not a fan of the thou’s?

Love your neighbor as yourself.

Want more context?

The Greatest Commandment

28 One of the teachers of the law came and heard them debating. Noticing that Jesus had given them a good answer, he asked him, “Of all the commandments, which is the most important?”

29 “The most important one,” answered Jesus, “is this: ‘Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one. 30 Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.‘ 31 The second is this: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no commandment greater than these.”

32 “Well said, teacher,” the man replied. “You are right in saying that God is one and there is no other but him. 33 To love him with all your heart, with all your understanding and with all your strength, and to love your neighbor as yourself is more important than all burnt offerings and sacrifices.” (Mark 12:28-33, NIV)

We can even take it back to the Old Testament if you want.

KJV: 16 You shall not go up and down as a talebearer among your people: neither shall you take a stand against the life of your neighbor: I am the LORD. NIV:  16 Do not go about spreading slander among your people. Do not do anything that endangers your neighbor’s life. I am the Lord.

KJV: 17 You shall not hate your brother in your heart: you shall surely rebuke your neighbor, and not bear sin because of him. NIV:  17 Do not hate a fellow Israelite in your heart. Rebuke your neighbor frankly so you will not share in their guilt.

(I’m not excluding verse 17 because even though it says to rebuke your neighbor, that command is immediately preceded by not hating him and immediately followed by loving him. If you want to argue about rebuking someone in love and what that looks like, I’ve got decades of experience and examples of what not to do. Let’s tango. Sorry, dancing is a sin. Rebuke me.)

KJV: 18 You shall not avenge, nor bear any grudge against the children of your people, but you shall love your neighbor as yourself: I am the LORD. NIV:  18 Do not seek revenge or bear a grudge against anyone among your people, but love your neighbor as yourself. I am the Lord.

...but keep in mind that if you acknowledge these OT laws, this one exists in that same chapter, too:

33 When a foreigner resides among you in your land, do not mistreat them. 34 The foreigner residing among you must be treated as your native-born. Love them as yourself, for you were foreigners in Egypt. I am the Lord your God.   (Leviticus Ch 19)

You choose to hate me? I can’t change that. (But don’t you dare do it in the name of God.) You want to strip me of rights? I can’t stop you. You condemn me to death in the name of God because I’m gay?

If you’re right, I’ll see you in hell.

To the LGBT+ community, I’m sorry. I’m sorry that so much hate and ignorance exists. I’m sorry for being a part of it, even passively. I’m sorry for my silence. This isn’t new but it is new to me. How do you cope?

*Disclaimer: This is my experience from my life and does not reflect the life experiences of anyone but myself. I don’t claim to speak on behalf of anyone, especially God, and I’m no expert on anything. I hesitate to say “we/us” in reference to the LGBT+ community because I’m not openly out and I have nothing but respect and admiration for those who are. I also want to add that my husband has been nothing but supportive and we’re figuring things out for us. He’s my best friend, always.