#pretty sure it's just low blood pressure issues that are just kinda flaring up

[diagoose]

i have sorely missed drawing my lil cryptid. have a lil spooky Eimear as i try to find a shading and lighting style i like lol.

[thewayshedreamed]

Nessian prompt:

We’re playing truth or dare and I just got dared to sit on your lap for the next two rounds but now I’m sitting on your hard-on and I’m kinda getting turned on cuz the ✨positioning✨. We’re both tryna fix the situation without drawing attention to us but the fidgeting definitely isn’t helping 👀

Thanks for the prompt, Bby! I know you sent it as part of my follower celebration, but it worked so well for @nessianweek Day 4: Rivalry that I couldn't pass it up.

Enjoy!

Warnings for strong language and mature themes. Slightly nsfw.

--

Nesta didn't know the last time she played Truth or Dare. She thought those days had left her at some point during undergrad, but apparently not. There she was, her last semester of graduate school, somewhat invested in a round of the game. The group had been playing for almost an hour, the drinks they poured becoming more and more stout as the night went on.

Gwyn and Emerie had convinced her to join them for a night out with the others, and to be fair, it had been quite some time since she'd allowed herself a carefree night out. Her sisters and Mor were there, as well as Rhys, Azriel, Cassian, and Lucien. Amren mentioned she would "see how things went", which meant she and Varian were staying in to fulfill their own agenda. There was no doubt that was for the best since their activities would likely scar them all.

It was Mor's turn, and her mischievous smile turned on her girlfriend. "Truth or Dare, Em?"

Emerie considered it for a moment, making a show of staring at the ceiling. One of the guys made a sound similar to a ticking clock, but she paid them no mind.

"Truth."

"Okay," Mor drawled, taking a long sip of wine. "Fuck, Marry, Kill; for Rhys, Azriel, Cassian."

Emerie's eyes grew wide, snapping to Feyre and back to Mor. Nesta dared to chuckle at her friend's tight position, earning a pointed glare reserved for the worst of traitors.

"Don't hesitate on my account," Feyre giggled, resting her head on Rhys' shoulder. "I'm curious."

"That's not a fair one!" Emerie argued, gesturing with her hands. "The answer is none of the above, on all counts. For more than one reason."

The three men had the audacity to look miffed at her rejection, even though none of them had any interest in Emerie. They'd all known each other too long for any blurred lines. Mor leaned heavily against her, a look of apology in her rounded, brown eyes.

"Fair enough," she conceded, pressing a kiss to Emerie's cheek.

"That's not how it works!" Cassian challenged. It was unclear whether his ego or strict principles motivated his outburst.

Nesta fought the urge to roll her eyes, to rise to the challenge in his voice like she usually did. But Emerie was her friend, and she wasn't going to take him pushing her lying down. The words left her with more snark than usual.

"Oh, would you come off it?"

His eyes snapped in her direction, locking in on her face like a predator circling prey. "Let me guess. You have an opinion."

Nesta's blood boiled, despite the fact that she told herself Cassian wouldn't get under her skin the next time they were around each other. She was 0 for... hundreds at that point.

"She answered it truthfully, so I don't see the problem."

"It's the way the question was framed, though. It's a game within the question. There were three options. 'None of the above' wasn't one of them."

Nesta loosened the reins on her eye rolling. Cassian was good for that. "No one made that rule."

"Sweetheart, the rules are pretty clear. But if you want to make sure they stay nice and loose so you can back out later, I get that."

Emerie cleared her throat, eager to redirect his challenge before the two of them escalated. "Show us how it's done, then. Truth or Dare, Cassian?"

His attention lingered on Nesta a moment longer, a familiar glint in his eyes. Her blood heated for an entirely different reason, and she was sure to berate it for doing so.

"Dare."

"I dare you to kiss Azriel," she said, grinning around the rim of her glass. "On the mouth."

Azriel pinched the bridge of his nose between his thumb and forefinger, resigned to his fate. He knew Cassian better than anyone, and it was only a matter of time.

Without hesitation, Cassian said, "Oh, done. Tongue?"

A chorus of laughter drowned out Azriel incredulous curse in Cassian's direction. When she finally recovered, Emerie took mercy on Azriel and excused any tongue. Cassian didn't hesitate to lean toward Azriel, cupping him roughly by the back of the neck and planting a full kiss to his mouth. There were catcalls all around; not at all needed in the encouragement department.

Azriel turned his attention to Feyre, fully succumbing to his soft spot for her and letting her off on the easiest Truth ever. It was something to do with who she would most like to draw or paint of the lot of them, excluding Rhys. No surprises on her choice of Azriel himself, but to his credit, he didn’t preen at the compliment. He humbly nodded as if anyone alive wouldn’t want to catch those angles on canvas.

“Nesta,” Feyre called, interrupting another quip she had been prepared to launch Cassian’s way. She couldn’t remember why. “Truth or Dare?”

She took a long pull of her drink and licked her bottom lip. “Dare.”

“Hmm,” Feyre considered, and Nesta had to admit to being slightly terrified of how diabolical sibling could be in a game such as the one she played. It didn’t take long for her to realize she’d been right to feel that way. “I think you two need to learn to get along. I dare you to sit on Cass' lap. Minimum of two full turns.”

Nesta’s nostrils flared. Cassian’s red hot challenge bore a hole into the side of her head, and all she could hear was his taunt from before.

Sweetheart, the rules are pretty clear. But if you want to make sure they stay nice and loose so you can back out later, I get that.

She snapped her attention to his face, suppressing the urge to throttle him for the narrow-eyed smirk he offered. Angling his large body backward, he draped a muscled arm across the back of the couch and eased his thighs open. Cassian wouldn't be the one to back down, she realized.

"Fine." Nesta threw back the rest of her drink and set it roughly on the nearby table.

Cassian's eyes were sparkling, his smile feline. He tapped his thigh with his free hand to goad her, and she wondered if he— if they— would ever tire of the constant challenges. Nesta sauntered over and dropped heavily into the center of his lap, earning a loud oof.

"Fuck, Sweetheart," he fussed, gripped her waist in his large hands to rearrange their position.

The heat of his hands, the scrape of his calluses; they came together to monopolize her focus. She was almost sure that others were amused by their display, but her world was singularly focused.

Cassian cleared his throat while he eased her into a position that better balanced her weight. The tension eased from her thighs as she settled, only for him to shift her again. Nesta let out an exaggerated sigh at his constant fidgeting. The only silver lining to the near motion sickness she'd no doubt endure as a result was the steadiness of his grip against her.

The reason for all his maneuvering revealed itself seconds later. Nesta had been initially impressed with the muscle tone in his thighs, how firm the muscles felt beneath her. They were nothing in comparison to the very obvious hardness pressing against the swell of her ass.

Animated conversation continued around them, and Nesta took the opportunity to turn and offer an accusatory glare. He hissed against the pressure of her movement, sending her eyebrows into her hairline.

"Are you really h—"

"Shh!" Cassian ordered, clamping a hand over her mouth. "Can you not announce that shit to the entire room?"

Nesta blinked incredulously and dragged her tongue against his palm. He grimaced, rubbing his palm against his jeans as if she'd poured acid onto his skin.

"It's not my fault you can't... control that," she hissed.

"Well, shit, Nesta. When's the last time you had a beautiful woman on your lap and had to keep your boner in check?" His whisper was low, frantic. There were words that latched onto her nerves and left goosebumps in their wake, even when she barely heard them.

"It's only two turns," she managed, swallowing against the dryness in her throat. "Then, it'll be a non-issue."

Cassian's hands clung to her hips once more, the delicious grip of them even firmer than before. "You can't get up now; not in front of them." He gestured with a jerk of his chin to the rest of the room. "They're savages."

A laugh bubbled out of Nesta's chest, and surprisingly, it was more due to the unlikely alliance forged by biology than her pleasure in his panic. The irony wasn't lost on her, but she didn't get to dwell on it for long before Cassian started strategizing.

"We're supposed to get along, right?" He paused, waiting for the excessive noise level to settle around them. Someone must have performed a solid dare, and Nesta was mildly concerned that it hadn't managed to be a blip on their radar. "You're gonna have to keep fighting with me."

A smirk tugged at the corner of her mouth. "To be clear, you want me to argue with you so that we can hide this?" She rocked back into him for emphasis, and a pained sound left him. Nesta was grateful for the small silver lining that was her private arousal, otherwise she and Cassian would be in the same boat. The way his eyelids fluttered didn't help.

"I'm asking your for a small favor. When I get my shit together, you're free to go. I'm not exactly happy about it either."

Another smile teased her lips. "Small?"

"Mother's tits. Just turned around."

Nesta complied, if for no other reason than to hide the chuckle she'd been trying to choke down throughout the conversation. They engaged with the others as nonchalantly as possible, ignoring each other completely until opportunities arose to take opposing stances on anything at all. The rules of the game. Who brought the best drinks. If someone had successfully completed their dare or answered their question. Cassian had been correct in assuming the group would advocate for their continued canoodling since they weren't yet cooperating with one another.

"Nesta," he almost growled, sometime after a dozen turns of their faux discord. "This isn't helping."

She whipped around, noting the pained expression on his face. "Wait, is this working for you?"

Cassian squeezed his temples between his thumb and middle finger, looking as if he was in as much disbelief as her. The tragic part was that the arguing hadn't curbed her own body's reactions to him, either.

"That's what it looks like."

Nesta didn't cage it then, the full and melodic laughter that shook her shoulders and made her eyes water. He continued bracing his head in his hand while she delighted in his torture.

"That's awfully kinky of you."

"Alright, enough out of you," he grumbled, situating her for the hundredth time. "You have any better ideas?"

Tears pooled in her eyes, and she flicked them away. "I guess your only choice is to wait until the game ends, or someone causes enough commotion for you to adjust and take a break for a few minutes."

Cassian huffed, clearly unimpressed with her tactics.

"You'll just have to trust me, of all people, to keep your secret in the meantime," she stated, turning her attention back to the room.

His only response was a muttered curse before she felt his forehead drop between her shoulder blades.

[liu-lang]

mental health & job stuff - tw: eating disorders, anxiety, sexual assault, self harm 

this week has been difficult. on tuesday and thursday, I saw my new therapist and psychiatrist respectively. 

the moment i saw my therapist’s office, i had reservations on whether she could relate to me. she was a white woman, perhaps in her 30s who was wearing one of those ... convertible skirts ?... you know the one where you can wear as a skirt with a foldable waist band thing tt also can be worn as a tube top dress. i just google’d convertible skirt and patanogia came up (white ppl who have the luxury of time and money to go camping in the summer brand). her office smelt like one of those autumn-scented candles. she had a chakra wall hanging / scroll thing. the appointment started off pretty open-ended. i think she was trying to give me ~space~ to open up so that the conversation flowed naturally. but i just felt kinda lost bc it took me months through 2 clinics and 3 intake appts to finally see her. @ tt point, i’m tired of hearing “so tell me why you’re here today” .... my scepticism increased exponentially  when she recommended practising yoga, being present and mindfulness training. honestly, idk why she works there ? bc she’s serving patients seeking treatment through the LA County Department of Mental Health. considering the issues they face and their lived experiences and socioeconomic status, i don’t think following a 10-min yoga lesson through an app (she seriously tried to recommend an app to me) is gonna make a difference. anyway, my next appt is in another 3 weeks. 

my psychiatrist is an older Filipino women, maybe in her 40s or 50s ... and the way she talks kinda reminds me of my mum (who is a big trigger for me). she asked lots of racially microaggressive questions before reading my file. really reminds me of how my mum exotifies my sisters and i for being mixed. i had to repeat details about my race, country i grew up and family structure a lot. she asked about my religious beliefs and i affirmed that i still identify as a muslim then she asked me if all muslim women have to go through female genital mutilation (there is a history of FGM in my family) ... and just, i can’t. her question came out more as a statement that she wanted me to confirm. i had to explain how it’s more of a mix of sociocultural factors than religious practise, tt not every muslim woman is subjected to it and there is an international response to educate these communities on its harmful effects. 

she also brought up the sexual assault tt happened when i was in high school. i alr felt distrustful and uncomfortable @ tt point ... i couldn’t make myself refer to him as a paedophile. she asked me who was this man and i just like... lost for words ? felt too ashamed ? ... i’m really stuck on how i couldn’t just refer to him for what he was. i guess i do have lots of lingering issues feeling like i am to blame for what happened. we also ran into some issues with my rx. my current pcp didn’t recommend me for my usual annual cardiology visit bc she believes i’ve been stable for a long enough time. but my psychiatrist strongly prefers if i can get an ECG. she did give me a rx for 10 mg lexapro though so... we’ll see how tt goes. i decided to finally seek medication because of my anxiety at work. i didn’t want it to affect my job performance. they also took my vitals ... the usual stuff, my blood pressure is low and i’m underweight. i need to go back for blood work on tuesday. 

speaking of job performance ... i went to a career fair at my alma mater. i had a federal work study position at the career development center as a communications assistant (basically a combo of outreach, distribution, marketing, social media management, data anallytics) so it was different to be on the other side of things. one of the employers present contacted me for an interview. the interview was successful and they extended me an offer. then they gave me the runaround for 2 weeks and i received an email yesterday rescinding the job offer. needless to say, i was blindsided. here’s the time line of events

10/19 thursday - attended job fair

10/20 friday - received a call to schedule an interview then an email confirmation for interview

10/24 tuesday - went in for interview (had to move my psychiatrist appt which essentially changed my psychiatrist so ... idk if i could have had a better fit. i’m miffed abt this.)

10/25 wednesday - phone call from HR offering me the position, they told me i could have until 10/30 to make a decision. they also said they wanted a 11/06 start date if possible. i told them i had to give 2 weeks notice at my current employer as proper protocol

10/27 friday - i rang HR and left a voicemail indicating i’d be interested and wanted to discuss benefits etc 

10/30 monday - i rang HR again and told them i had left them a message on friday and would love to hear back from them soon. no phone call back. in the afternoon, i sent an email to the recruiter i originally handed my resume to letting him know i’ve been unsuccessful in reaching the HR person and would appreciate an update. he rang me back assuring me the offer was still on the table and they would gladly have me and he would email me an official offer by the end of day, also stressed 11/06 start date and i again repeated the 2 weeks notice spiel and could HR send me a summary of the benefits 

11/01 wednesday - i ring HR and finally speak to the HR person. she didn’t receive any of my messages and the recruiter didn’t inform her of what i requested. she said she usually is not in the office mondays and fridays. she sounds in a hurry and is in the middle of doing payroll. i keep it short and express interest in accepting the offer. could i have summary of the health insurance plan and possibly negotiate a slightly higher salary ? she agrees to send me a official written offer by the end of the day or tomorrow. again they emphasise 11/06 start date... i’m like really confused but just repeat that i would love to start asap but also what about 2 weeks notice

11/02 thursday - i receive an email from HR rescinding the job offer with the explanation they had already filled in all the positions they were recruiting for. 

this post is getting super long. there were red flags abt this company from the beginning but i was holding out hope bc surely a university would have thoroughly vetted the employers they invite to a career fair. also bc i worked for the CDC and knew these employers & established a rapport through my position there. i’m still trying to process everything. i’m mostly crushed at the realisation tt i will have to work another black friday in retail. i would hear things abt ppl not being able to work bc of mental health issues. i nvr discredited them but i also didn’t really have a concept of it ? now i have a lived experience. it is tortuous having to think of slogging through another holiday season when i was so close to leaving. i had a co-worker who just left and we were congratulating each other on finally getting out. it feels so defeating and depressing to still be stuck / left behind. this feels so much worse than an outright rejection. added onto normal anxiety associated w/ the recent grad job hunt, now i’m catastrophising what if this happens with another potential employer ? i keep wondering about the reasons why they rescinded ? maybe i shouldn’t have negotiated ? maybe i should have just accepted when they rang - i didn’t have any other offers on the table... maybe i tried to get in touch with them too much ? maybe i didn’t pass the background check ? maybe something went wrong w/ my references ? ...even though they kept insisting on like an impossible start date plus never sending me an official offer therefore preventing me from resigning and agreeing to their start date. i kinda want to have a meeting with my ex boss to let her know about my experience and maybe get advice on um... being aware of warning signs to prevent this from happening again ? but i don’t want it to sound like i’m blaming the university for bringing on shady companies ... i know my experience is not reflective of everyone else’s. it’s hard not to internalise this and feel like there is something wrong with me. another thing is ... i have like no written evidence of everything in between so on email it just looks like i had an interview and then they rejected me. and my phone calls which they nvr answered looks like i was the one hounding them when ... understandably i wanted to move the hiring process along bc they were adamant on the 11/06 start date. i also needed the time to make the very big financial decision of buying a fucking car in order to get to work (the office is in orange county which has 0 convenient transport options esp. going btwn LA and orange counties) 

i’m really anxious abt having more allergic reactions at work - especially bc the managers now know. i have an appt with an allergist but it’s not until january. idk if my skin can survive. i can hide it when it’s on my body but lately it’s been flaring up on my hands - which i use to touch merchandise, handle money, stock shelves, build displays ... just lots of touching and hand contact with possible allergens. i cried in the car after work yesterday and have been battling thoughts of self harm since wednesday. sigh... i’ll have to call this afternoon asking for next week’s work schedule at the store. tt familiar feeling of being overwhelmed and wanting everything to stop is coming back.