#post alchera

[lonesurvivorao3]

Post Alchera Grief

He woke again, properly this time, his body drenched in cold sweat. The searing pain in his head was unbearable, as if someone had split his skull open and scooped out chunks of his brain. He stumbled inside and collapsed onto their bed, only to realise that the bedding no longer carried her scent.

Finding grief to be a constant onslaught of innumerable thorns, he took a gun from the bedside table, venturing outside in the dark. Standing amidst the orchard with a bottle of TM88 in his other hand, he took aim at the apples, firing bullets that went wildly astray.

It took his mother's frightened shouts of his name several minutes to cut through, and when he turned, she demanded to know what he was doing. He bowed and proclaimed. "It's called getting drunk and shooting shit, Mom."

She rushed towards him. "You're behaving like a lunatic!"

He laughed bitterly, scratching his forehead with the butt of the pistol, using Eris’s favourite phrase. "It's an entirely proportional response to being a widower at thirty-two, Mom."

Kaidan's eyes widened, and he gulped huge breaths, dropping both items. "I'm a widower, Mom."

[kyratittyfish]

Shiny And New (But I'm Still Me, And You're Still You)

Read on Ao3

‘Please let it be empty’ was the mantra playing in Angela’s head as she stood in front of the door to the port side observation deck, waiting for it to slide open. 

If there was a god of spaceship bars, she must not have been on his good side. Either that, or he was too busy with drunken privateers to answer her pleas for solitude.

She walked in anyway, but the figure slumped in front of the large window didn’t react to the door sliding open or her approaching steps, seemingly lost in thought. 

Angela herself often let her mind roam freely across the stars, forcing herself out of the cold and motionless spaces her brain usually took her to.

Aimless drifting across her mindscape happened without effort here, with the endless blanket of space extending out in front of her. It was almost as easy as actually being out there, floating away like a leaf on a pond. 

Like the body of a spaced woman.

She hoped the imagination of her fellow deck occupant was kinder than her own, but with a start, she realized his daydreams were probably as nightmarish as hers.

“Joker?” she asked.

He turned to face her, and perhaps it was the later hour or the different light, but she didn’t recall him looking so tired earlier that day at the helm. The dark circles under his eyes and unkempt stubble on his cheeks betrayed too many awake hours spent in his chair and a stubborn reliance on caffeine as a stand-in for sleep.

“Commander.”

“Your shift ended three hours ago, shouldn’t you be in your bunk?”

“Yeah, well. You ever heard Donnelly snore? I swear the man’s part combustion engine.”

She suspected this was only half the reason why he was still awake, but pointing out the obvious would’ve written her name in bold letters in the little book of hypocritical jerks, right on the front page. Her shift ended an hour ago too, and yet here she was, roaming around the deserted ship in her off-duty tracksuit, looking like the reanimated zombie she was. She dropped the matter, snorting instead.

“Can’t say I’ve had the pleasure.” Angela chuckled, shaking her head.. 

“Well, consider yourself lucky.”

“Fancy a drink?” She offered, propping her elbow on the counter. “It’d be a waste to sit next to the bar without making use of it.”

“Nah, Doc is going to kill me if she figures out I mixed alcohol with my nighttime meds. Last time I did that, she had me sleep in the infirmary for a week. As far as relaxing resorts go, I wouldn’t exactly recommend the Medbay. You go ahead and have yourself a beer or something if you wanna, as long as you drink one on behalf of your favorite pilot, of course.”

“And who might that be?”

He smirked despite his visible exhaustion. “You tell me.”

She ambled towards the bar to examine the array of bottles neatly arranged on the refrigerated shelves. The little bar wasn’t lacking in alien beverages; a surprising fact, given the Cerberus logo eloquently painted on every corner of her ship. She counted a Turian brandy, a couple of bottles of batarian wine, some colorful asari spirit, and even a small flask of ryncol.

She decided against the heavier stuff, grabbing a bottle of red ale and a can of non-alcoholic soda.

“Here,” she said, sliding the can over the smooth surface of the table in the general direction of her pilot. “Suppose Chakwas won’t mind you having a, uh…” she squinted as she deciphered the name written on the label in an overly flourished font, “... a Red Varren Sodalicious with your favorite commander?”

“Eh, she’d probably scold me about the amount of sugar in it, but no complaints about interaction with my meds. I think.”

No quips about who his favorite Commander would be? 

“Only one way to find out,” she said, cracking open her beer. 

One and a half drinks and twenty minutes later, their idle chat had shifted from a discussion about the latest Dog Or Not episode (during which an Elcor contestant had correctly recognised a Shi-tzu and a Corgi, only to mistakenly identify a baboon as a Cocker Spaniel) to a ranking of the various installations of the Blasto franchise.

“Come on, Shep, Blasto IV has a guy biotically controlling a vorcha into flying a Mako through an asteroid belt.” Joker exclaimed, his appalled voice half an octave higher than usual. “You can’t look at that scene and tell me, your pilot, that this isn’t the best Blasto!”

“Alright, I give in,” Angela conceded, “but only because of the improbable use of biotics.”

“Score!” He exclaimed, slapping his can of orangeade onto the tabletop. The carbonated drink didn’t appreciate the sudden impact, though and erupted in a bubbly stream that quickly trickled down the table and onto the pavement. His eyebrows shot up under his hat as he scanned the mess. “Whoops,” he muttered with an apologetic grin as he tentatively poked the sugary volcano. “Just like Therum all over again!”

“Yeah, well, Gardner is not going to be happy about that.” Angela hoped her amusement wasn’t clear in her voice as she played the part of the scolding Commander. “I wouldn’t want to be in your shoes.” she continued, shaking her head. “He’s probably gonna make you lick the floor clean.” 

“I’m in!” he exclaimed overenthusiastically. “I bet it tastes better than that clump of sawdust and hot glue he tries to pass as meatballs anyway.”

“Hey, it wasn’t too bad! Now, the so-called sausages and mashed potatoes he cooked up the other day... That makes me suspect he’s a little too comfortable with mixing his cooking and toilet cleaning duties.”

“That a fancy way of saying it tastes like shit, Commander?”

“Looked like it, too.”

He chuckled, and her alcohol-impaired gaze followed his fingers as he absentmindedly rolled up the right sleeve of his sweatshirt to scratch a spot on his forearm. Her light dizziness turned into the much less pleasant sensation of ice-cold fingers running down her back as she spotted a long surgical-looking scar running along the outer side of his wrist and disappearing under the hem of his hoodie. It looked relatively recent, and she didn't remember ever seeing it on his skin before back on the original Normandy. 

“That looks gnarly.”

Confusion lingered in his eyes for an instant. Then, something different took its place. Something darker, that made his lips twist into a sour grimace and his shoulders drop.

“Uh, that. Yeah.”

“What happened?”

He lowered his gaze again and hastily pulled down the rolled-up sleeve till the hem almost touched his knuckles. 

“I, uh, slipped in the shower. I tried breaking the fall with my hand but ended up breaking my arm instead. It was pretty dramatic. Needed surgery and some shiny new hardware to fix it.”

Joker was many things: a stellar pilot, a surprisingly decent cook, and master of pop culture references, old and new. He wasn't, however, a liar. His gaze was about to burn a hole through the wall next to the bar shelves with how hard he was concentrating on avoiding Angela’s eyes, and the napkin that until a few moments ago had been collecting condensation under his can was now reduced into tiny scraps of balled up paper. 

“It was Alchera?” She asked, her question more of a statement than an inquiry. She was there when he injured his arm. She did it to him. 

He turned towards the window panel, his left hand tightly holding his other arm over his chest and a pained wince painted on the reflection of his face. 

“Yeah.” he nodded, his gaze locked on some distant star.

“How bad?”

“Pretty bad.”

“Shit. Joker, I’m sorry…”

“Yep,” he cut her short, “me too.”

“What happened the two years before I, uh, woke up?” Angela asked when the silence finally got so heavy it was threatening to have its own center of gravity.

“You mean beyond unfathomable levels of suckiness? Like I told you, the Alliance practically disbanded us, everyone went their own way, and they swept everything you did under the rug. Made you out to be crazy! Bastards knew you were right about the Reaper threat, but they would’ve rather kissed a yahg than admit it. So yeah, it sucked balls. Krogan ones. All four of ‘em.”

“Yeah, I figured as much, But… that’s not what I meant. I wanted to know what happened to you.”

He sighed without turning around, and in the drawn-out silence before he finally spoke, Angela’s heartbeat pounded louder than a roaring cannon in her ears.

“Is this some sort of test?” He slurred, narrowing his eyes at his fingers and fiddling with the tab on his coke can.

“Why would it be?”

“Why wouldn’t it be?” He snapped. “You’re asking the guy who got you killed what he did while you were dead.”

He stood up and staggered towards the bar, grabbing the first bottle he touched. He poured some of the brown liquid into a glass before shuffling back to his stool.

“Shouldn’t you…”

“Fuck the meds,” he declared. Clearly, the kind of pain he was dealing with tonight wasn’t one that could be quieted with a dose or two of analgesics.

He swirled the liquor a few times around his glass, then downed it in a single gulp. He poured some more. 

“695.” He muttered, his knuckles whitening around the glass. “That’s the number of days you were dead. I know ‘cause I counted ‘em. That’s how long I had to live knowing it was my fault. And honestly, Commander, out of the two of us? You had it easier,” he snarled.

“I was dead!” 

“Oh yeah? Well I spent every one of those 695 days wishing it was me instead,” he shot back. All at once, his bent shoulders sank along with his gaze. He looked so small. “And what’s worse… I deserved every second of that hell.”

He stared at the table, reaching for the bill of his hat, trying to hide beneath its shadow. If his gesture was meant to hide the watery glistening at the corner of his eyes, it didn’t work. Angela saw it. Angela felt it, the familiar prickle of incoming tears that made her tear ducts sting and her throat burn. 

Her pilot, her friend, couldn’t stand to look at her. Of all the pain and frustration during the last few weeks, this hurt her the deepest.

“Alright, then. You’ve obviously been thinking about this for a long time.” She stated after a drawn out breath, voice steady despite the growing ache of the black hole that had swallowed her heart whole and taken its place in her chest. “What would you have done different, then? If it really was your fault, if you made a bad call, there must have been a good call, right?”

“I…” His voice caught in his throat as he tried to force the words, but his only confession was a drop of blood falling from his bitten lip. He wiped it away and studied the red stain it left on his finger.

That’s what he sees each time he looks at his hands. Blood. Mine. The black hole between her lungs expanded at the thought, sucking air in until breathing felt like a hot blade piercing through her ribs. 

“There’s nothing you could have done that would have changed the outcome. Nothing that could have kept me from dying. Had you acted differently, we almost certainly would’ve died. Would it have been better? They would’ve brought me back anyway… and I would have been stuck in Cerberus’ hands without you.”

Her voice turned into a brittle whisper as the last words left her lips and the heaviness of her heart felt a little less suffocating. 

“They would’a found someone else to take my place,” he grumbled “Hell, I’m sure Mister Creepy Eyes has dozens of replacements ready for me just in case he wakes up in a bad mood one morning and decides I’m not worth the trouble I cause.”

“Well, can’t say you’re wrong on that,” Angela conceded. She was confident that the Illusive Man had countermeasures in place in the event that the good, righteous Commander Shepard turned out to be a bit too good and a bit too righteous for his plans. Still, the idea of some nameless, mindless Cerberus lackey sitting at the helm felt ten times more terrifying than that knowledge. “But someone else wouldn’t be you. And there’s no way in hell I could do this with anyone else instead of you. And trust me about that, I know a thing or two about the afterlife.”

He chuckled, raspy and low and bitter, and Angela sighed, wishing that he could just believe her, that he would just give up the grief and guilt that had been weighing him down since the day she died. But life can’t just be that simple, can it? 

Joker’s stubbornness was one of the things about him that made him such a fine pilot and a good friend. He never shied away from telling shit as it was. If he believed in something, he fought for it with all he had - teeth, nails, crutches, and Thanix cannons. Now that it was holding him under the muddy water of his own despair, though, it was so damn frustrating.

She’d done the impossible so many times before: she’d saved an entire colony from slavers without losing a single man, she’d granted humanity a place in the Galaxy, she’d protected the Citadel from the attack of a sentient AI older than time itself. Hell, even death had a go at keeping her down, and she showed it her ceramic-plated middle finger. So why couldn’t she do this one simple thing and make things right with the man sitting next to her? 

“Can I ask you a question?” Joker finally asked.

She arched her eyebrow at his words, breaking the silence that had fallen over them like a blanket of snow. 

Snow. Heavy over the debris of my old ship, my old life, my old body.

“Sure,” she replied.

“Why?” He asked, his head bowed down over the glass, his eyes hidden by the shadow of his cap. Was he looking at her, now that she couldn’t return his gaze? Had he been doing that for the whole duration of her new life, watching over her from a distance, torturing himself with the weight of guilt he couldn’t free himself of?

“Why what?”

“Why did you come back for me?” he asked, his voice for once as small and fragile as the rest of him.

And there it was, the question that lingered unspoken between the two of them since the day she died, seeping through the cracks like poison gas. Or like oxygen slipping out of a punctured breathing tube...

“Why wouldn’t I have?”

“I mean, come on, let’s be real here,” he spat as if his words were thresher maw acid burning his lips. “Yeah I was the best pilot in the Fleet, but I’m no Commander Shepard. I’m replaceable. You’re not, and the fact that they literally resurrected you is  pretty damn good proof of that. You are a hero, a leader, the only sliver of hope this galaxy has to live to see another few years. I‘m just a cripple with a bad attitude. It doesn’t take a genius or a philosopher to see which life is worth more.”

Replaceable. 

No.

“And which one would it be?”

“Come on, you wanna hear me say the answer is yours? We both know it's true.”

She took one last sip of her beer- the now warm beverage tasted almost as bitter on her tongue as Joker’s words felt to her ears.

“And yet it was your life I chose to save.”

“Can’t say I follow your logic on that one.”

Angela sighed and rubbed her fingertips over her eyelids. Heavy. It’s all so heavy. For all their cyber tech and medical miracles, Cerberus couldn’t mend fissures that ran soul-deep. 

“Alright,” she began, sitting up straighter. “You look at yourself and you see what? A cripple with a bad attitude, your words… I look at you, and see a skilled professional, with rock solid work ethic, excellent decision-making abilities, and no problem in speaking his mind to let his superiors know when their plans are really just a horrible idea.” 

Angela paused, and bent lower to meet his gaze through the shadow of his hat. No more running away from this, no more running away from you, she thought as she continued. 

“I see a man who is 100% committed to what he does, who never lets bad odds stop him from reaching his objective, and who knows what it means to make sacrifices.” 

She took in a slow breath, catching herself aching just to lay her hand atop his closed fist. “I see somebody I’m lucky to call a good friend, and whom I hope feels the same way towards me.”

“A friend, huh?” He asked tentatively, wide eyes shooting furtive glances at her from underneath the bill of his hat. She held his hesitant gaze with a soft smile.

“Of course.”

“Even after…?”

“Especially even after. You could be safe on the Citadel, or on Arcturus, or back with your family, or at the helm of a different ship… anywhere else but here. Yet, here you are, on a Cerberus vessel, working for a terrorist organization, following your undead commander on what’s most probably a suicide mission. If this isn’t the epitome of loyalty, I don’t know what is.”

Joker nodded slowly and let out a long, deep breath.

“Alright, then. So... friends?” he asked. 

“Friends. If you want to, of course.”

He looked up from his glass with a soft, genuine smile that lit up his eyes and set her heart on fire. 

“Yeah,” he finally responded. “I do.”

It was rare to see him smile. True to his name, he sure laughed a lot, but it was always so guarded. 

This time, with a simple smile, his defenses were down and all the rest of him shone through, naked and true. 

She felt her lips curl up and with a last flick of its tail, the little black hole inside of her twisted and curled before swallowing itself. Her heart, now back where it belonged, felt lighter than solar dust.

“Oh and, Joker, one last thing.”

“Yeah?”

“Permission to hug you?”

As he slowly stood up from his stool, she braced for him to just leave, to walk through the door and abandon her here with a whole bunch of feelings she couldn’t quite make sense of.

But he didn’t.

“Uh, yeah? Uh, granted,” he said, taking an uncertain step towards her.

She walked closer until his breaths tickled her neck. They were almost hesitant; as if one puff of air might blow her away like smoke.

She could almost count the stars reflecting in his eyes.

She never noticed how green they were before.

Carefully, she wrapped one arm around his shoulders, feeling his muscles tense underneath hers for a brief instant. 

She assumed he’d pull away almost immediately - the last time she touched him was the reason why they were having this talk right now, after all. She’d dragged him to safety and traded her life for his. The sickening crack she felt under her fingers when she grabbed him by his arm had been the least painful way she hurt him that day. 

Instead, he took a long, shaky breath, and took her into his own arms, drawing her closer until his chin brushed against her shoulder.

Although his embrace was a gentle one, it took her breath away all the same. 

She laid her free hand on his back, rubbing light circles over his shirt, feeling the tension in his limbs fade away and his breaths slow down, and for a moment, she was at peace.

Special thanks to...

@commander-krios, for being my muse, source of inspiration, and listening ear to my ramblings. @spaced0lphin, for your amazing work as a beta- your precious input made this fic 100x better. @nightmarestudio606, for helping me come up with a title that actually makes sense.

[laelior]

The scars are no longer there, but they still ache.

Late at night, sometimes, when the cabin lights are  off and the environmental systems are just a quiet hum against the hull. When she’s just grasping at the first strands of sleep.

That’s when she absently rubs her thumb across the ache that wells up in her left leg, or the twinge on her forehead. Simple acts that had once been habit. Only to startle to full wakefullness when her fingers encounter only smooth skin.

Phantom pains, Chakwas had called it the one time she’d brought them up. The pain felt in a limb that’s no longer there. 

But phantom pains are for what has been taken, not what has been given. A new body, one that has none of the memories she’s earned. Something perfect and smooth like she’s never, ever been. A freshly pressed uniform for a solider to step into on command.

That’s all.

Just another weapon with the serial numbers filed off.

[acciokaidanalenko]

Bitter Grief

100 word drabble written for the MEFFW prompt: bitter.

Summary: April 11th has new meaning for Kaidan, especially as he faces the day, and his grief, alone.

CW/TW: Brief mention of alcohol. Grief/mourning.

Pairing: Kaidan Alenko/Commander Natasha Shepard

AO3 link: here.

[infiltraitor-n7]

I | II | III | IV | V | VI | VII | VIII | VIV | X | XI | XII

After Alchera, Kaidan starts to forget.

Kaidan is tired today. But tired isn’t quite the right word—fatigued? Exhausted? Depleted? Gutted? As his mind ticks through the possibilities, each word becomes more visceral. Gutted becomes eviscerated, eviscerated becomes vivisected. And he realizes that he isn’t simply tired, or drained or depleted, but rather he is consumed—his current state is not a simple equation of no sleep equals exhaustion, but rather no sleep plus the ever-festering absence of something that, with each day, becomes less and less defined, divided by memories of before multiplied by memories of after, the migraines that still come and kick him while he’s already down, until his life is no longer defined by what is, but rather what is missing, a negative image instead of positive contours, and he lies awake in his narrow bed and feels—devoured.

He feels and feels and it’s so heavy. He feels so much that it compresses, gains its own gravity, expands and expands, mass compounding mass, until it’s all too heavy, until he is collapsing, the clichéd black hole, and he is the negative image, the entity that people are aware of not because they see it, but because of all the objects around it that can be seen, and there he is, the void at the center, proven by inference instead of observation.

But that is just today. Just today, a bad day. It has been a year already. The bad days, like the missing thing, have faded somewhat. There are some days where he is not a black hole. No, not so much a black hole. Many days he is a brown dwarf—a quiet, failed thing, with neither the mass to combust into starlight nor to collapse into the sucking vortex. Neither planet nor star, neither living nor dead, he is simply there, floating, simply there, existing.

But those are just some days. Other days, other days he wakes up, he showers, he makes himself coffee without any whiskey at all. He has an appetite, he eats a big breakfast, he ticks through the news sites. He lifts his hand in greeting passing coworkers in the hall. He still mostly eats dinner alone, spends quiet evenings watching mindless dramas, re-runs of Blasto movies flickering in the dark as he drifts, still unable to sleep that well. As he drifts, he can imagine a day, sooner rather than later, where he will leave Arcturus and he will work again, really work, not just sitting behind a desk but doing what he had always intended to do with the Alliance: some good. When the other days outnumber the bad days.

What jettisons Kaidan from a decent day into a bad day? What is the equation that one solves for renewed devastation? The absence, it’s the absence, and the speed at which the absence simultaneously softens and sharpens. He hadn’t known Shepard for that long, after all. A small, hitched breath, there and gone before you know it, almost silent in comparison to the great cacophony of the rest of his life. What is one year stacked against thirty? The math is simple. He begins to forget. Small things. The exact texture of Shepard’s hair. A joke shared, and he can’t remember who told it. Did Shepard tell him? Or did he tell Shepard? Who laughed the hardest? The exact ratio of gun oil, coffee, sweat, and Shepard’s skin that made up the scent that used to soak Kaidan’s sheets, his hoodies, his own skin. Every detail that fades is a new loss, grief compounding grief, mines on a timer, buried in the dirt. The right steps don’t matter; he could navigate the minefield perfectly, avoiding every single trigger, but in the end he is still in the field, because it is never-ending, and the numbers are ticking down. One morning he wakes up, and he has to watch a vid to remember Shepard’s voice. A decent day gutted and skinned, stripped to reveal a very, very bad one.

Because every picture, every recording, the tangible things Kaidan must rely on to remember, to remember, lose their effectiveness over time, until it is not Shepard under his shaking fingertips as he traces over the lines of Shepard’s face in some battered photo, but rather the idea of Shepard, a Shepard construct, a collection of fading facts that fail to constitute the whole of who Shepard was, really was, as a person, and who Shepard was to Kaidan. Every memory aid is a collection of diminishing returns, red sand to an addict, each hit packing a weaker high. Kaidan, as he lies awake at night, worries about the clock running out, a day he wakes up and can’t remember much of anything at all. Just a name, some photos, the vague feeling of being carried to safety slung over strong shoulders, a hitched breath in the dark. He knows the math is simple, and the hits will just keep on coming. Because he knows that the clearest memory at the end of it all will be the one he wants the least—the one that remains while Shepard’s laugh, scowls, scent all fall away: the picture-perfect image of a body struggling in space, and the long fall into a bright planet.

Today, Kaidan is devoured. But that’s just today. Tomorrow is another day. And the day after that, the math tells him, is yet another. He will do what he has always done; he will muscle through. Through Jump Zero manslaughter, being a messed up kid with a jack in his head, lost amidst the apple trees under Canadian grey skies; through boot camp and clawing his way up through Alliance ranks with the migraines pounding behind his eyes as steady as the pounding of the SMGs; through the comms going dead on Virmire and the Council turning its back, through fists lifted in victory amidst the burning cherry blossoms of the Citadel. His mind blanks after that. In theory, the days continue after that halcyon period post-Saren, the Normandy awash in success and its crew flush in confidence that whatever the galaxy had to hurl their way, they would prevail, because they had each other, and they had Shepard.

Until they didn’t.

The days did continue. He knows this. Today he’s just tired, that’s all. Tomorrow will be another day, and then one after that, stacking and stacking, and he will muscle through each one, as he has always done, and each new missing memory will render guilt, yes, and the gaping, stomach-heaving loss, but also-yes, he must be honest with himself if with no one else: also, relief. As each memory fades, so does the pain. A kind of cosmic debt collection. He is paying his dues, one dulled recollection at a time, coins falling from a ripped pocket, unintentionally paid but good currency all the same. He will get through each day. He will pay and pay. Until finally someday, some not so special day-not a good day, nor a bad one-he too will get to rest. His friends will do as he asked, and there will be another escape pod. They will lay him gently in the small space, a softer occasion than the last time he was in one; this time, no sirens wailing or fires burning bright. This time, they will jettison him into that dark night, high over the curving horizon of Alchera, and he’ll finally get to rest, as close as he’ll get to matching grave plots, but he figures it’s enough. Finally, enough.

[springagainafter]

Pointedly taking Liara along for all the Cerberus quests (particularly the Toombs one) in ME1 whenever I get around to playing Merrick's LE run so Liara has an excellent idea of Exactly What Cerberus Is Like and no illusions about them maybe not being that bad.

I'm debating how often Liara gets to go on missions in ME1 (in terms of headcanon; for gameplay she's going on all the missions this time :D) because Shepard and co. have exactly one Prothean expert who can decipher weird beacon visions and her getting killed off would be Very Bad. (A little like Mordin in 2; I always mentally go "squishy scientist - even if he is former STG - who is Necessary to stop the seeker swarms" and leave him on the ship except for his loyalty mission).

[thatdreadbitch]

🌹

From Walking Into Hell and Back

Nihlus' mandibles twitched as he repeated the question [to Chakwas], this time asking specifically why his daughter wasn't among those rescued and barely able to steady his voice.

[hatboyexchange]

Sign Up Walkthrough (Hatboy Exchange)

Signups are open! Here is a guide on how to sign up for the exchange.

To start your Signup, go to the Collection Page during the signup period (June 2nd-16th 2024) and click on "Signup Form".

Requests

We start the signups with what you'd like to get as a gift. After a general blurb about how the signups work, you will get to the form itself. You must choose two separate requests (up to five relationships are allowed per request). So if you'd like only two different relationships, put one on each request form. Otherwise, list up to five per request. You can add up to 10 separate requests which means you can request up to 50 pairings.

The form above is what it looks like when you scroll to the first request. You MUST choose fandom (there is only one to choose) and then go down to relationships. You choose between 1-5 requests on each form. If you aren't particular about what you receive as a gift, you can click on "Any Relationship". Be aware that if you do click on that, you are giving your gift giver the freedom to write or draw whatever they want as long as they adhere to your DNWs. Please be absolutely sure that is what you want before you click it.

Please be as descriptive as possible about your DNWs and triggers. They cannot be enforced if they are not explicitly stated.

Links: Links are for letters, prompt ideas, more detailed DNWs, information or tags for your custom characters (you can offer your character for the exchange, but no one has to write for your custom character).

Example of how to fill out the form for requests. You can choose to receive fanart, fanfiction, or both. But you must click at least one.

Offers

For your offers, this is where you will choose what YOU will be GIVING. This helps the mods and AO3 match you to someone that you will be happy creating for. You must list two different pairings to be matched well. Again, if you click "Any Relationship" in your offers, you are saying that you will make something for ANYTHING. Platonic, romantic or anything in between. Please be careful with using that option.

You have to make two offers but can list up to 5 pairings per offer, a max total of 50 pairing offers. You don't have to do this many, but the minimum is 2. Please be descriptive with your DNWs again, this is where I will determine if you are matched with someone that won't upset your triggers. The additional tags are the most important part of your offers because it will determine what YOU ARE MAKING. Please, if you are writer, only choose fanfic. If you are an artist, only click fanart. If you do both, you can choose to do one or both.

After you submit your signup, you can edit it up to closing day, June 16th. After the 16th, you will be unable to edit it as matching will begin.

Any questions regarding signups, please message a mod or the main exchange blog. Someone will get back as quickly as possible.

If you don’t want a pairing but instead, something about only Joker (handling the Collector attack, post-Alchera, portrait of him alone, etc), you don't have to put a pairing in the relationship section. But please note your preferences in your description box.

[swaps55]

Fugue Master Post

I'm very proud of this story, and it was very hard, so now that it is complete I wanted to do a master post.

Rating: M | Pairing: mshenko | Complete, 149k words

Key tags: Major (canonical) Character Death, Grief (see fic links for additional tags)

A few minutes more and they wouldn’t have even been on the ship. The Mako was scheduled and ready for drop, both of them suited up and ready with the final checklist completed. A few minutes more, and they would have watched the Normandy burn from the surface of Alchera. But they didn’t get those minutes.

Fugue covers Alchera and the two-year gap before Lazarus. It is a story about grief, survival, healing, and hope. It is about dragging yourself out the pit with your bare hands and rebuilding yourself into something new, not because you want to, but because you have to. It's about leaning on the people you love, and finding strength in your weaknesses.

There is also a cadre of queer grandparents, badassery, Cool Science, guest stars you will recognize, some familiar missions bent into new shapes, and a lot of hating on the Hammerhead. Oh, and the Can.

Featuring stunningly gorgeous art by @thepixelagora, @katskip and @eluvisen. (Art below by thepixelagora)

Chapter 1 - Across the Stars

Chapter 2 - Waking Up Slow

Chapter 3 - Burn

Chapter 4 - This Hole You Left

Chapter 5 - Things You Can't Speak About

Chapter 6 - Someone You Loved

Chapter 7 - The Courage of Stars

Chapter 8 - Half of Me

Chapter 9 - The Next Step

Chapter 10 - Another Way Around

Chapter 11 - Hope In These Wires

Chapter 12 - Echoes

Chapter 13 - The Weight of Everything

Chapter 14 - Remember We Flew

Chapter 15 - A Million Stars

Chapter 16 - Play the Cards

Chapter 17 - All the Time

It was a difficult story to write, and is a difficult story to read, but I think it is rewarding. Because in the end, it is truly a story about hope. Thank you to everyone who supported me through it, and if you don't know this story, I hope you'll give it a try if it strikes your interest.

[pinguphd]

Soldier of Heaven Chapter 1

I spent like 3 days editing this, but at least I finally have chapter one of my fem!Shep/Kaidan fic. Taking place after the events of ME3, we're going to explore just what happened to our dear Commander Amira Shepard and her love, Kaidan Alenko. I would like to thank @the-californicationist for putting up with my rambling, and especially @tealenko for helping me work out some of the ideas I had. Wouldn't have done it without you two, this goes out to you!

Each chapter, including the name of the fic itself, is named after a song. I will update the playlist with each chapter so you can listen along with me. Enjoy!

“I won't be coming home

I won't be going anywhere

I will guard this post forever

Here on the alpine slope, where I did my final stand, I shall remain

Among the ice and snow that binds me to this mountain”

Soldier of Heaven-Sabaton

It took close to two months in the aftermath of the Reaper War for things to return to any semblance of normalcy.  While the makeshift hospitals were still full, they did not seem so utterly overwhelmed as when the Catalyst was fired, finally eradicating the Reaper threat and ending the horrid cycle.  Much of humanity’s home was destroyed, yet the overall mood in London was one of optimism or cautious enthusiasm at the society they are rebuilding. 

Amira Shepherd, the famed Savior of the Citadel, first human Spectre and one of the best biotics the galaxy has ever seen was one of the people still in hospital.  The doctors and nurses had no idea who she was, and Amira wanted to keep it that way.  Best they could figure was she was probably an Alliance soldier, but it was hard to be certain when she would not speak to any of them.  The combination of watching a man she considered to be a father figure to her-Admiral Anderson die right in front of her, the comedown from the six months that she had spent going from here to kingdom come gathering everything she possibly could to ensure the continued survival of everyone in the Milky Way, and, perhaps most heartbreakingly, saying her final goodbyes to her beloved Kaidan took its toll on her.

Having survived 3 different suicide missions, curing the genophage and watching Mordin die, saving Kaidan on Virmire, even her fraught reunion with him on Horizon was distressing.  She has seen enough trauma, heartbreak, and death to last her many lifetimes (quite literally, in her case). She could still recall every second of her final moments with him.  Helping him up after being fired upon with that beam, even forcing him onto the Normandy even as he begged her not to make him go and his anguish as she left him was the worst of all of it.  She loved him so deeply she made him go, although it broke her heart to do so.

That did not make the aftermath any easier.  After she had fired the Catalyst, she had very little recollection of what it was like in the midst of all that rubble.  Her armor was in pieces and near nonexistent and the burns and injuries she had, she almost couldn’t feel.  All she could remember was the feeling deep within her that she had to get back to him, no matter what.  Despite the risks to what she knew had to be incredibly fragile health, she did her best to keep a biotic field about her in the hope search and rescue would find her.  Dead or alive, she owed it to Kaidan to know how she ended.  Not another Alchera, not on her watch.

From what she had been told by the medical staff, she was in the smoldering rubble for around 3 days.  By the time she was found she was incredibly weak and in what she could only imagine was a rough state.  Bad enough to the point where the staff at the hospital, full to the brim with Alliance doctors, nurses and support staff had no idea she was Commander Shepard.  This fact suited her just fine.  

For some unknown reason they were keeping her there, so in a show of defiance, she kept her damn mouth shut.  She filled her time not in PT with a sketchbook and canvas a well meaning woman visiting her friend at work gave her.  It’s not right dear, you being here all alone. She was one of the only people in the few months she had been in hospital who was not interested in making her talk.  I understand dear if you don’t want to say anything she said to her on her first visit.  She enjoyed the companionship anyway.  

This sweet older woman was completely and utterly empathetic, expecting nothing in return.  Selfless too, visiting her.  She seemed to have a way with, what did Kaidan call them? “Old soldiers.” Huh.  Guess those words ring truer than she thought.  When the woman, Elizabeth, she eventually learned was her name, had come to visit, she always had a mug of tea and biscuits with her, armed to the teeth with even more art supplies for her.  

Elizabeth would sit with her in her room, chattering away about everything and nothing at all.  She heard stories of her kids and grandkids, all gone now.  She heard about her troubles finding ingredients for the teas and biscuits she brought with her on her daily visits.  More than once the doctors, nurses, therapists and technicians chided her for being rude in not talking to her friend who was so kind in visiting someone she had never met before.  Elizabeth came to her defense more than once, shutting that attitude towards her with a fury only known to a mama bear protecting her cubs.  

It was on one of these visits, Elizabeth chatting away while Amira worked on a scene of her and Kaidan’s last goodbye, that Elizabeth had said something particularly interesting.  “Apparently some Admiral is even in the area today.  Think he might be visiting some of the Alliance folk.”  Hearing this, Amira felt the blood in her veins run cold.  Beyond hope she prayed it both was and was not Admiral Hackett.  Desperate for word of her crew on the SR-2, she studiously focused her attention back on the pad in her lap, whilst Elizabeth prattled on and left her to get lost in her thoughts.  It was something she did a lot since she was found.

Okay, she was lying to herself.  She knew full well why they were keeping her there.  The combination of how heavy she used her biotics in her final moments before she made it to the Citadel, the injuries she sustained, and lying half dead (well, mostly dead if she was being honest with herself) using the very last of her reserves to emit a strong enough blue glow to be found had completely destroyed her implant.  The cybernetics and nanites Cerberus had given her had protected much of her fragile state and had served to speed up the healing process.  

In order to distract herself from the train of thought that thinking of Cerberus always led her down (the awful reunion with Kaidan on Horizon, almost losing Garrus on Omega, the suicide mission that was the Omega 4 relay…) she instead forced herself to use her famed laser focus on running down the list of why she had not been identified, her pencil stilling against the pad of paper in front of her.  Feeling a sense of calm overcome her after Elizabeth’s seemingly innocent remark at the visiting Alliance brass, she ran through the logistics she knew by heart.  

During and after any skirmish, battle or war, communications were in some form of disarray.  In this case, they were all but destroyed.  To that end, she knew connections to Alliance systems in particular were nonexistent.

When they had to replace her L3 implant with a highly experimental L5 type model similar to what she retrieved from Grissom knowing that the logistics of obtaining a safe and extraordinarily well tested L3 implant like what she had previously (she groaned internally at that, it would be her third damn implant) it was so badly damaged they couldn’t easily trace it back to the Alliance database, if they had the access at all.

With so few resources, they did not have a chance to thoroughly scan her like they would have done pre-war.

Over half of Earth’s population was dead, and with medical staff on or near the front lines their numbers had been particularly affected. With so few staff, and an extraordinary number of patients to tend to, she was able to stay safely under the radar.

Those who needed tending to number in the many thousands.  As fond as the medical field and Alliance tended to be of rules and protocol, the ability to follow such things went out the window in wartime, which she knew very well.

She thought of these 5 things, over and over, during the course of her visit with her friend.  It distracted her and calmed her nerves.  Anxieties she had become all too familiar with since Alchera reared their ugly head once more, however, when she heard a flutter of activity outside the small room she had been given.  She looked towards the door, with a mix of fear and well-disguised terror in her eyes in contrast to the awe Elizabeth had held in hers.  Elizabeth’s heart softened when she looked upon Amira, the older woman coming up to her to place a weathered hand on her bare shoulders.

Listening to the conversation in the hall with her well-practiced hearing, she heard a very familiar voice talking with the nurse that was particularly horrid to her over the course of her stay.  Prone to letting her mind wander since the war's end, she thought of all the ways this woman had tried to goad her into talking.  Attempts at withholding food, being more aggressive in the treatments she was giving, waking her at odd hours or abruptly, the list goes on.  She guessed that was part of why Elizabeth had visited her so often, after the first time she witnessed “the wicked harpy” draw blood with a rather vicious looking needle that left a pretty purple bruise at her elbow.

“Oh, how did you enjoy your visit sir?  We have had a great many Alliance soldiers grace our halls.  I myself have taken care of many of them.” She could hear their muffled footsteps walking away from the corner of the hospital. Elizabeth had given her shoulder a gentle squeeze, rolling her eyes. If by “care” she means acting like a wicked harpy armed with a syringe full of medi-gel, then by all means, she took great care of you dear. The two people in the corridor were unfortunately not far enough away, because the Alliance Admiral had heard some of their words and turned back around, heading right toward the door.  To her.

“Oh no sir, you wouldn’t want to go in there.  This silly woman doesn’t bother to talk to anyone.  No one knows her name and no one comes to visit either so clearly whoever she had in her life either is dead or she was so miserable to them like she is to us they just don’t care.”  She giggled a bit at that, letting just enough of her facade crack that the man's steps came to an abrupt halt and turned about face towards her.  Coming close enough to the windowed door, Amira’s eyes widened.  She knew that silhouette anywhere.

With a stern voice, he addressed Harpy.  “With all due respect ma’am, you were fully apprised of the reason for my visit today.  I did not put up with your company for the last hour for nothing.  I did not stand next to you blabbering about your skills as I visited my men and women, many of whom were under my command or under the command of a good friend who is also missing.  If there is a soldier in there under MY command, I will see her.”  Despite the stuttered protests of Harpy, trying to recover her “reputation”, he swiftly held out a hand to push open the door. 

Amira froze and dropped her pencil.  Clearly startled, Elizabeth raised her stature and wrapped both hands around her shoulders, standing protectively over her adopted charge.  “And just who in the hell are you?  Barging in here like a raging krogan like that, have you no manners man?”  Amira placed a hand over hers and shrugged them off, standing up.  The man’s eyes widened.  Yes, they knew each other very well.

“Commander Shepard?”

[shadoedseptmbr]

Aedan Shepard, my beloved. Please give us three random facts about her. Or more of you want.

Random things about Aedan my favorite, whee! <3

okies let's see

before things fell apart with the Reds, she was considering a new tattoo- something vining up her leg and considering she was at her most dramatic, it was something like a thorn vine or poison ivy or maybe a snake. It didn't happen and she got most of her ink removed (one way or another) before she went to boot but after she left Kaidan post shore leave, she took some downtime and got the beginning of an ivy going up her right calf to just above her knee. it was, of course, gone when she woke up post Alchera when she goes to a new restaurant, if someone won't order for her, she starts at the beginning of the menu and orders the first thing in the entree list. if it's a tapas/appetizer/snack joint, she tries a couple things but they're always the first thing on the lists. (she usually ends up with a meat thing and a veg thing or a sweet thing and that works out) and if she ever goes there again, she just orders the next thing until she's tried everything. as far as she knows, Kaidan's the only one who ever figured it out besides Anderson and they'll both order for her if they think there's something she'd like that's not just "the next thing on the list"

She always has a couple new toothbrushes in her go bag, so she can trade out whenever hers gets wonky (every three weeks, is about her limit when she's got access to shops)

thank you for asking about my darling!

[n0rmandysr1]

Fic Masterpost

Probably beyond time I did one of these!

Mass Effect

A Sea of Stars

Series focusing on Emilia Shepard, paragade Vanguard. Ashley romance, milscifi flavour with some changes to canon because dear god Alliance ranks give me conniptions.

Main Storyline: Elysium (pre-canon, complete) | Encroachment (ME1, complete) | Respite (post-ME1, complete) | What Lives In The Dark (post-ME1 Cerberus storyline, complete) | Anabasis (post-Alchera, hiatus) | Fianchetto (ME2, complete) | Conciliation (ME2: LOTSB, complete) | Vendetta (ME3, ongoing)

Side Fics: Kingmaker (pre-ME3, written by my friend and cowriter, indefensiblezed, ongoing) | Only Light (ME1 smut, complete as its gonna get) | Points of Departure (oneshots and side stories, ongoing)

Standalone

Brothers in Arms (MShenko, complete) | Collimation (Shepard/Ash/Kaidan, ongoing) | Body Heat (Femshepley smut, complete) | perfect machine (femshepley Control Ending, hiatus) | Fragments (oneshot collection, mostly mshenko/femshepley) | The Fall (FShali, complete) | History Has Its Eyes On You: (100 word drabbles, hiatus) | The Pathology of Guilt: (femshepley, complete) | Motion (Ashley Williams/Samantha Traynor, complete) | always moving with a hungry heart (Ashley Williams/Kaidan Alenko, complete) | Folded, Unfolded (Karin Chakwas/Hannah Shepard, complete) | Navy Undercover (femshepley, complete) | Retribution (Torfan, complete) | The Right Thing (Male Shepard/Jacob Taylor, complete) | The Talk (Vetra Nyx/Sara Ryder, complete)

Baldur's Gate 3

The Prince and The Hellion

Series focused on Markolak, the Dark Urge, her quest for redemption and freedom and her romance with Karlach.

Main Storyline: wipe me clean with dirty hands (BG3, ongoing)

Side Fics: with aching chest (Karlach POV, ongoing)

Standalone:

Moonlit (Dame Aylin and Selune, complete) | the undulous heaven yearns (Dame Aylin/Isobel Thorm reunion smut, complete) | don't you know (i dream of you) (Karlach/Dark Urge grief fic, complete)

Dragon Age

All the Old Knives (Aveline/female Hawke, complete)

[kyratittyfish]

After Alchera

Accompanying art for Chapter 2 of my post-Alchera fic, Between The End And The Beginning.

(I apologise for the angst - I've been going through Crappy Stuff lately and fictional angst is my way to cope with that.)

[stormikins]

The Definitive Jenn Shepard Q&A

250 Shepard questions made by the amazing @spookyvalentine you can find the fifth list which has links to the previous four here

Why did Shepard enlist? Any regrets?

Jenn enlists because it was a way out of the gang on Earth. It was either that, or jail. Clearly she chose the military. She doesn’t quite have regrets (she doesn’t let herself) about joining as she thinks there’s nothing else for her to do. She’s already a killer, the Alliance just turns her into a soldier.

2. How does your Shepard feel about having a yeoman assigned to them in 2? And in 3?

Does not like Kelly because Jenn knows she’s spying on them all and reporting back to TIM. Jenn does not like being watched. Still, she’s civil with Kelly and it is nice to have help with the more benign emails and keep track of things when Shepard has too much going on to think about it. Traynor she likes a lot better a lot faster because she’s not there as a spy. Grateful for her help during the war.

3. What’s their relationship with Anderson?

Mentor/Mentee. Not necessarily father/daughter as Jenn doesn’t want that. Anderson was the first person in her military career to stick around with her (either not moving on to like the other end of the galaxy or dying) and then she makes N friends who do stick around. Anderson sees a lot of potential in Shepard and Jenn chafes under that because she doesn’t like expectations but she does want someone to care for her.

4. Is your Shepard any good at poker?

Fairly good, yes. Jenn fleeces Gabby and Kenneth during me2. Has a great poker face.

5. How well does Shepard know their crew? Not just the companions, but the folks making up the Normandy

Fairly well! She likes to make sure her ship is running and her crew is all working together nicely. If she knows who these people are, she can make sure to avoid any hiccups. Plus, it never hurts in the long run.

6. Initial reaction to EDI? Does it change?

At first, she doesn’t like her because 1. AI and 2. She knows EDI is watching everything and is sending copies of fucking everything back to TIM. Again, Jenn doesn’t like being watched and that’s exactly what EDI is doing. Eventually, when Jenn works through the worse of her post-reanimation anger, she knows that befriending Edi is what she needs to do. And a true friendship is born even though Jenn wasn’t expecting one.

7. Does their love interest move into their quarters?

Yes!! Post Battle of the Citadel, Nihlus spends more time with her in the cabin than not. Doesn’t really hang out there without her though. In me2, after Jenn and Nihlus get back together, he moves in. When the two of them get together with Kal’Reegar, it’s a steady progression of him spending the night/more time in the loft. After the Collector Base though, he’s moved in.

8. What is their reaction to the Alchera mission? And after?

Jenn is so pissed. At Hackett. At Anderson. At the Collectors. She’s so mad that they left her crew down there. She doesn’t want to go where she died, but her need to take care of her crew is overwhelming, to right this wrong, so she goes. She goes and finds their dog tags and breaks their bodies out of the ice, and listens to their last words. When Jenn first wakes up, she’s a lot more renegade/suicidal than not. Buried in the snow with her crew, she finds her paragon. Her motivation besides the vision in her head.

9. What type of fighter is your Shepard? Do they fight with honor, or do they fight dirty?

Jenn is a dirty fighter, had to be to survive the streets on Earth. The Alliance tries to not have her fight dirty, but ultimately, that’s what makes her a good soldier and they use her. She’s not going to just willy-nilly execute surrendering people, but she will shoot you in the crotch if you jerk her around. Also, she does her best to save innocents. 

10. Does Shepard keep any pets? The hamster, fish, something else?

She tries to do fish but they died immediately and she could not handle that. They’re too sensitive for her so hamster it is! Chakwas told her she needed a pet so that’s why she got the fish and then Mister Spocket the Third.

11. What order does Shepard pick up companions in ME2?

Goes to Omega to pick up Mordin but goes to get Archangel after learning about the predicament he’s in. Jack and then Grunt. Tali because that’s her best friend. On Illium decides that Samara can wait, she needs to make sure her assassin doesn’t die.

12. Does Shepard have any nicknames? What do they think of ‘em?

Shep. Does not mind her crew using it. Only one person is allowed to call her Jenny and it’s the wife of one of her N7 buddies. Really, only Dhalia (the wife) and then Nihlus and Kal ever use her first name. Laughs when James first calls her loco, and lets him keep at it because it’s not like he’s wrong.

13. How does your Shep react to teasing/ribbing?

She dishes it out right back. She thinks it’s fun. Jenn does make sure that it never goes too far with any of the others. Wrex and Garrus were easy to distract. Jack and Miranda not so much.

14. Any good at flirting?

When she wants to be. Doesn’t really flirt often, as most of the time when people make moves she’s not interested. Nihlus and Kal on the other hand… she’s very interested and unfortunately for her, they can get her flustered. (she can make them just as flustered as well)

15. What colors does Shepard prefer for their armor?

First, does black with red stripes. Post N7 she does chrome with blood red stripes that matches the stripe. Her tech armor is still orange-yellow.

16. Is Shepard a drinker? History of other substances? Do they struggle with sobriety?

She’s not a heavy drinker, more of a social drinker. She’s not necessarily going to grab for it when she’s alone. The gang tried to get her hooked on red sand because of her biotics, but her brother-like friend managed to put a stop to it. (she always has that drink with Chakwas)

17. How does Shepard react to attention? Do they enjoy it?

Hero worship and fans? Expectations? Get her the fuck outta here. She does enjoy telling stories though, so she will be the center of attention during those more social times. On a romantic note, she does get flustered easily like mentioned before when it’s someone she likes. Gets awkward when it’s someone she’s not and if they’re being nice as she doesn’t want to be rude with her rejection.

18. Who’s the dream team? Which companions does Shepard fight best with and why?

Kaidan. They served together for two years before the Normandy. Can execute biotic duo moves flawlessly. Think Obi-wan and Anakin in terms of how well they play off of each other. Wrex is also a fun companion because she has someone else who’s also a tank like she is. So, they charge head first together. And Wrex learns some of the biotic duo moves too… lets just say they hit like a freight train together. Their enemies get reduced to paste. It’s the same thing with Samara and Jack in two as well. Mirand and her play off of each other really well because they’re both sentinels. In three, Javik and her are fucking beasts. Especially when Kaidan joins back up. Biotic combos for days. (Javik’s dark channel is a thing of beauty and I give it to Jenn for her bonus power so I use that instead of warp). Liara and Garrus are steady and reliable. They get a good groove going too. Truthfully, Jenn’s trained to work with just about anything so she can take any team and make them a great team. (Nihlus’s Spectre training just enhances it)

19. Are there any companions your Shepard just absolutely cannot vibe with or relate to?

Does not like Zaeed because he’s what she could have ended up being like if she stayed in the gang. Grizzled, betrayed, bleak. Everything else about him she’s fine with. It’s staring in the mirror that hurts. Of course, it took some time for Jenn to warm up to Mirand and Jacob.

20. Does Shepard enjoy looking for resources and upgrading gear or do they see it as a chore?

Jenn loves it because she’s a control freak. She’s the CO so it’s her job to make sure everyone has the tools they need for not only mission success but to stay alive. Scanning for resources is a great distraction for Shepard and a calming activity.

21. Do you have any AUs for your Shepard?

Oh boy do it. I have three major ones. The Kal project where Kal’Reegar joins the Normandy post Haestrom and is a part of the team for the rest of canon. Joins back up during the Rannoch arc. It’s canon compliant apart from Kal being there.

The second is the Sour Apple Baby verse. Nihlus lives, canon divergence/alternate universe/fix it. The series in which I fix what I personally think is wrong with Mass Effect’s story. It has six books planned. The books are as follows: me1, the two years of Shepard’s death, me2, pre-reaper war preparation interim, reaper war, post war. Nihlus and Shepard get together in 1, and then in 2, Kal joins the Normandy and also their relationship, so it’s Nihlus/Jenn/Kal.

The third is potentially a no Reaper AU. I have yet to decide. But Jenn gets a bounty put out after Elysium, gets attacked and breaks into Doctor Michel’s clinic. Michels sees her, helps her, and Jenn takes care of her blackmail problem as thanks. This leads Shepard to Kahoku’s team because his marine team is searching for Banes (who is behind the blackmail). From Banes they go to Edolus but survive! Cerberus storyline commences but with Nihlus showing up because of the rachni revelation. The game kinda acts in reverse. They go to Noveria because of Sigma Depot-23, they go to Feros because of Chasca etc. This might also be my Winter Soldier AU.

22. What’s the last thing Shepard ate before the final reaper showdown?

Devoured steak, potatoe,s and noodles with spinach. Along with a blue raspberry soda. Gotta go all out. Had hot chocolate as well after because that’s her comfort drink.

24. Who does Shepard turn to for advice? For comfort? Who do they like to gossip with?

Typically went to Anderson for advice. Then Wrex because he’s blunt and honest and unconventional with his wisdom which works for her. In 2, she mainly goes to Chakwas or Tali. And of course, her partners.

She gossips with Joker, Tali, and Kasumi but typically leaves them to it.

25. How emotionally articulate is your Shepard? Do they emote well?

She likes to bury everything and isolate typically. She doesn’t want people to use her emotions against her. But normally she manages to work through it on her own.

26. Does your Shepard have a romance? Who are they, and what drew Shep to them?

She does! Jenn gets together with both Nihlus and Kal. Jenn was drawn to Nihlus’ steadiness, there’s a security in it. Also, his belief in her. He’s helping her become who she wants to be, not what he wants. She appreciates it. Nihlus and Kal match her ruthlessness (and her freak). Kal is charming, confident, and mirrors her. She didn’t stand a fucking at falling for him. This is not to say that Jenn loves Kal more, it’s just he has a bigger presence than Nihlus’ more reserved one. Nihlus steadies them both. They’re both blazing and burning, he’s the scalpel to their blunt instruments that atomize. (though both Jenn and Kal can be precise when they want to be, and Nihlus can be forced into a chaotic whirlwind of death).

They’re both hot as shit too. And they act like it. She’s a sucker for confidence and swagger. 

27. Do they have any pet peeves?

She hates it when someone opens the microwave before the timer is done and leaves the remaining time on it.

28. What about hyperfixations? What’s the topic that will get Shepard rolling no matter the person or place

Weapons and gear. She can rant and compare companies and gear etc, all day long. Another would be model ships. Can go off about the drama in the community along with her opinions on how someone should paint their models (she doesn’t care if you paint a frigate hot pink but some people do).

29. How active is Shepard? Are they hitting the gym, playing sports, or do they prefer quieter downtime?

She’s very active. It’s like moving mediation for her, it helps her work through what’s going through her head. Plus, it makes her tired, and she always needs sleep.

30. What will always make them laugh?

Puns, good or bad. Kal being dramatic/ridiculous.

31. Who can always make them laugh?

Kal. Always. Joker and Garrus’ dry humor gets her too.

32. What do they do when they have hit their limit angry, just incandescent with rage?

If she can, she works it out on a punching bag. If she can’t, she tries her best not to shout as that’s her instinct. So she ends up coming across as very cold and distant because she’s burying it all. She does punch Gerrel though. And throw her gauntlet across the room after Thessia. But after those two things she reigns herself in and calms down because she doesn’t want to be violent like that.

33. What skills do they have that are a surprise to the people around them?

Shepard has good balance because of calisthenics. So, like walking handstands, holding herself up with one hand, etc. A different type of skill is just her abundance of trivia facts. She watches a lot of documentaries.

34. Got any tattoos?

Hehe, yes she does. She’s got a thresher maw tattoo when they first took one down in me1. It’s head is in between her shoulder blades, with its head tendrils/claws/whatever those are stretch up to her neck and the curve of her shoulder. The maw curves to the left before going right and around to the front of her hip. With each maw she takes down, it gets longer. And with eight maws in me1, it reaches her right mid-thigh.

35. Which companions have they lost? How do they cope with it?

She only loses the canonical ones, Virmire Survivor (which is Ashley), Mordin, Thane, and Legion. She tries to make peace with it all because they chose their end, and with Thane, he already accepted it. Still, she lets her rage fuel her on to kill the Reapers and Cerberus. Ashley was a cold shock, making her feel like a failure and hammering home what she’s going to need to do to stop the Reapers. It made her that much angrier when fighting Saren.

36. Do they like to style their hair, wear makeup and jewelry? How do they feel about getting dressed up?

The only jewelry Jenn wears in multiple earrings: studs, cuffs, a industrial bar, chains on the edge of her ear. Her hair is short, just past her jaw, so she doesn’t do much that isn’t putting it in a half bun for combat. If need be, she’ll curl her hair. Doesn’t like makeup because of sensory issues. Definitely doesn’t use any because of her renegade scarring.

37. Got any bad habits?

Who doesn’t? Picks at her cuticles and if her lips are chapped, will pick at the dry skin there. Sometimes has to wear gloves to stop herself.

38. Does Shepard do any activities with the companions and crew during downtime?

Sparring, movies, and card games. Lets Kasumi paint her nails and can get roped into girl’s night.

39. Do they keep around any sentimental items?

She had a friendship bracelet from someone in the gang but that got destroyed in the Collector attack. Keeps her helmet from Alchera as a reminder. A good one? Not always.

40. Does your Shepard actually like to collect model ships? If not, what do they display?

She does! Started the habit before me2. It’s a great relaxing activity for her and post-reanimation it helped her with fine motor control.

41. How is Shepard with a gun? What about hand to hand?

She’s fantastic with both. After all, she graduated top of her class at N school. Normally uses a pistol or assault rifle. Can and will use a shotgun. Doesn’t prefer a sniper rifle because she’s a close-range fighter as she’s a tank, but she’s good with it. Not necessarily as good as Garrus, Ashley, or Thane but that’s because they’ve had more training and experience with it.

42. Favorite weapon?

M-27 Lancer. Its beautiful in me3. For her main weapon, pistols, it would have to be a Spectre pistol. For heavy weapons… the M-920 Cain because its amazing and I love it and Jenn likes causing explosions.

43. Which version of the Normandy do they like best?

She will always have a special place in her heart for the SR-1 but the SR-2 is bigger, more protected and can home the people she cares about.

44. Do they like to rotate out companions for quests? Who do they bring the most?

She does. She knows everyone wants to fight so tries to keep everyone satiated but also at the top of their game. Wrex, Garrus, Tali, and Javik get brought out the most.

45. Do they approve of curing the genophage?

She does, yes. Not only because she doesn’t think a whole race should be wiped out but she knows she needs a cure to stop the Reapers.

46. Does Shepard allow the rachni to live in me1?

She does. Same reasons as above, doesn’t want a whole race wiped out and wants allies for the Reapers.  

47. Does Shepard practice any kind of self-care?

Yoga. There’s no cosmetic self-care that she does on her own, aka face masks etc.

48. What abilities do they rely on the most in a fight?

Definitely her tech armor and biotics. She’s a tank, and she needs to rely on her armor to hold so she can do her job. Her biotics make the time she spends out of cover shorter, so she uses them a lot. She’s very good with them. Post-reanimation, her biotics are out of sync, which forces her to be a long-range fighter and Nihlus’ sniper training comes in handy.

49. What is Shepard’s happy ending? What’s the dream that keeps em going

The Reapers dead. Post Eden Prime Jenn cannot do anything without it being about the Reapers. So, her happy ending is the Reapers dead with her and the people she cares about alive. She does want Kal to give both her and Nihlus the domestic life on Rannoch. Ultimately, she does get that.

50. Is your Shepard indoctrinated?

Nah. Truthfully, with how I have the vision act I don’t think it’ll let Shepard get indoctrinated. It’s constantly telling Shepard that she needs to kill the Reapers, that’s there’s nothing else to do but that. You kill everyone indoctrinated or suspected of it, you don’t touch reaper shit. It consumes her with killing the Reapers.

(+1: what does Shepard smell like?)

Pine and cinnamon.

1. Where would your Shepard go back to play tourist? Are they going alone, or bringing someone(s)?

Would go be a tourist on Earth if her partners convince her. Otherwise, she doesn’t really care about it. Definitely lets Kal and Tali guide her around Rannoch. Could enjoy Thessia, I feel like they have good vistas.

2. Your Shepard is making a sandwich. What’s going in it?

Tri-tip (steak) in a toasted garlic bun.

3. What’s Shepard’s love language? What love languages do they respond best to?

Shepard likes providing, so gift giving. She also enjoys quality time, big way of her showing affection is these two ways.

4. What were Shepard’s opinions of Cerberus before waking up on their table?

Fucking hates them. They killed Kahoku who she (and Kaidan) served with before the Normandy on the Skyllian Verge. Thinks they’re idiots for all the tests they rain on the alien life forms, rachni, creepers, maws.

5. Is your Shepard politically active? Do they stay on top of galactic comings and going’s?

She does. Jenn needs to be aware of all this stuff so she can move the pieces on her chess board to destroy the Reapers.

6. What would they be doing, if Shepard never joined the alliance?

If she managed to get out of the gang, probably an auto mechanic. Maybe a simulation gamer (think Armax Arena). If she stayed, I like to think when the Reds started to get more and more xenophobic, she ran and does what Kasumi and Zaeed do. Maybe I should write a thing where she joins the Blue Suns and teams up with Zaeed or something. She saved him from the ambush idk.

7. What’s Shepard’s favorite way to let loose?

The Armax Arena. It’s a great way for her to get her energy out. Though, she will join Jacob in the arcade and they challenge each other.

8. Does your Shepard like to be alone? Are they prone to isolate?

Jenn does like to be alone, and she does isolate. She doesn’t want anyone to see her weak lest they use it against her (a habit from her gang days) and she feels as if she should be able to handle it all alone. Nihlus and Kal are good at getting her to talk. But she still holds some things back most of the time.

9. What does Shepard like to wear when they’re out of the armor?

Black tact pants, black shirt, boots. Leather jacket or hoodie depending on the circumstances. Post-reanimation she gets a lot of soft/silk clothes, so they don’t catch on to her scars. She only wears shorts to sleep.

10. What does TIM think of Shepard at the start of me2? And at the end?

Thinks that he can convince Shepard to not kill the Reapers and instead control them. Wants her in his pocket because she’s such an influential person. After, realizes that she’s dead set on killing the Reapers and decides she has to go because she’ll stop him.

11. What does Shepard think of TIM?

FUCKING PUSSY BOY. Thinks he’s a terrible person. Wouldn’t piss on him if he was on fire. Would light a cigarette and warm her hands.

12. Who is Shepard’s favorite non-companion character?

Joker! They become friends on the SR-1 because of their similar bleak outlook on life and dry humor. Shepard does her paperwork in the co-pilots chair and they put on a stupid action movie (lbr it’s Blasto) on the background. If helmet cams existed in the mass effect universe, Joker would be making edits to Shepard’s combat footage. Good badass edits, and edits that make her look like a fool as well.

13. What kind of roommate would Shepard be?

Shepard’s a good roommate. Does her shit, keeps her stuff tidy, doesn’t care what you’re doing as long as you’re not breaking any rules or being an asshole.

14. It’s takeout potluck night with the gang! What’s Shepard ordering, and from where?

Pizza. Always a good go to.

15. If Shepard could have an extremely dangerous and illegal pet, what would it be?

A snake or a varren.

16. What does Aria think of Shepard?

The mixed ending you get in the Omega DLC sums it up best: “I’ve lived for a thousand years, Shepard, and you may be the most powerful and baffling being I’ve ever encountered. I have no idea where I stand with you.” / “I like it better if you don't know. I’d hate to see you get too… comfortable.” / “You are truly a dangerous person.”

Jenn doesn’t like mob bosses and gangs, but knows Aria is someone who will always exist. Instead, Jenn uses her to help fight the Reapers. She works with Aria because she knows she needs to. So, she remains amicable.

17. Does your Shepard seek counseling/have a therapist?

She does not want to.

18. Obligatory gang beach episode! What’s Shepard doing?

Volleyball!!! She will try and learn how to surf if anyone wants to either teach her or learn it as well. She’s not gonna let someone not doing something because no one else wants to y’know?

19. What was Shepard’s first interaction with an alien?

Probably either an asari or turian for some sort of military exchange thing. She wasn’t apart of that program but she did run into them while doing her own job. It went rather well, Shepard just treated the situation like she was talking to a CO.

20. List five songs your Shepard is currently listening to.

Dead Man’s Party by Oingo Boingo. Renegade by Styx. Suga Suga by Baby Bash, Frankie J. Touch-Tone Telephone by Lemon Demon. Coming Undone by Korn.

21. What companion quest did Shepard enjoy the most? What was the most difficult one for them to do?

Probably either Kasumi’s or Jack’s. Kasumi’s makes her feel like she’s in a con vid and Jack’s is fairly simple. The hardest is probably Garrus’ because Jenn talks him down from shooting Sidonis. Garrus calls her a hypocrite, saying she would have taken the shot (she would’ve) and she retorts that she wants Garrus to be better than her. Wants them all to be better than her.

22. Any guilty pleasures?

She will troll people in her model ship forum community when they’re being uptight about something.

23. What does Shepard think of Conrad Verner? How do they handle him?

Thinks he’s harmless at first, and gives him the autograph, not thinking much of it. Get’s concerned when he keeps showing up, thinking she has a stalker. She doesn’t shove a gun in his face—because he’s a civilian—but she does get in his face because she’s unnerved and doesn’t like hero worship. She does shoot him in the foot in me2. And then gets his dissertation in 3.

24. How does Shepard handle house arrest? How do they fill their time?

Shepard is antsy not only because they’re confined but because she needs to be doing something about the Reapers. Mainly fills her time by working out or playing card games with James. Watches documentaries and does puzzles. 

25. How does Shepard react to meeting Javik, a real life prothean?

First reaction is holy shit. Second is: he’ll help us. Third is: what a fucking ass. The two of them come to an accord because they’re very similar.

26. What is Shepard’s relationship with Joker?

Best of buds. She doesn’t blame Joker at all about her death. She always would come for him, that’s her pilot, her responsibility. Helps Joker work through his guilt at killing her. Hates that her death pushed him to Cerberus and that all this shit happened to him. Hates herself mainly, along with the Collectors.

27. What does your Shepard take pictures of?

Gear, ships, and vistas. Poses in front of the thresher maws she takes down. Mister Spocket the Third.

28. Who is your voicecast for Shepard? Is it Jennifer Hale/Mark Meer? Do they have an accent?

Jenn has a slight southern accent/drawl. I always pictured her from Baltimore.

29. What is the perfect day for Shepard?

First, she gets to sleep in. Second, no one comes to her with a problem. She gets to have her favorite food, hang out with her loved ones, puts together a model, maybe has some sex, and then gets to go to bed and sleep without any interruptions.

30. What did Shepard think of the thorian? How did they feel about killing it? What did they decide for Shiala?

To quote a line I wrote in a fic: It’s a gross, old ass, mind controlling, megalomaniac, rude sentient plant. Despite thinking that she shouldn’t destroy a whole race, the Thorian never gave her an indication it was willing to work with her, so she has no qualms about killing it. She spares Shiala though, mainly because of Liara.

31. How did Shepard feel, seeing Legion wearing their old armor? Does that change?

Thinks it’s really weird. Then she thinks it’s kinda cute as she gets to know Legion more.

32. Any vices?

Occasionally—very occasionally—smokes.

33. Is Shepard free with affection, or more reserved?

Typically reserved. Depends on her mood and who she’s with. With just Kal and Nihlus, or the crew, is open with it. She has to trust you before she’s open with her affection to either said person or just in front of them.

34. Are there any people out there that betrayed Shepard? How do they handle it?

Yeah. They don’t live long. She’s betrayed people and has been betrayed. Namely because of the gang.

35. Is your Shepard a biter? (Interpret this as you will)

Yes. In combat and not.

36. What is their relationship with Wrex?

Best of buds. Wrex makes her forget that she doesn’t need to be so uptight and Jenn inspires him to help his people. That he’s not just a merc.

37. Does Shepard have any friendships that surprise the rest of the crew?

I don’t think so. I think they’re surprised that Dhalia calls Shepard Jenny and that she doesn’t do anything about it.

38. If Shepard is dropped into the middle of the wilderness for a week, how do they handle it?

She’s a marine, this was part of her training. She does fantastic.

39. Does Shepard have a will? What do they want done with their body after they’ve passed?

Does have a will. Before the Normandy, all her stuff would go to Nadia and Dhalia, as Nadia retired from the Alliance a couple years after she graduated N school. Initially she just wanted her body to be buried. Didn’t really care where. Post-reanimation, she gets cremated so no one can use her body again. Nihlus and Kal now get her items.

40. How does your Shepard react, when Liara tells them she’s the one that handed their body over to Cerberus?

Shepard gets fucking pissed. Feels very betrayed that Liara would do that to her. Their relationship is never the same. Jenn’s willing to be civil with her so they can work together to kill the Reapers but she’s not as friendly as before.

41. They’ve been caught in the rain! How does Shepard react?

Grumbles because she’ll get cold and wet and her clothes will chafe but still stands in it and appreciates the feeling of it. She’s already wet, it can’t hurt anything.

42. How does Shepard handle the reporters? What are they like in an interview

Doesn’t particularly like doing them. Switches between dry and short answers and flowy diplomatic responses. Depends on if the reporter is an asshole or stupid.

43. What was the clone’s fate? Do you think Shepard and their clone could coexist?

Jenn was dead set on killing the clone because she turned Jenn’s world upside down with her existence but seeing the clone dangling over the edge had her reconsider it. Offers a hand but the clone still kills herself. Which kinda fucks Jenn up a little bit. She then murders Brooks.

44. What’s the perfect date to sweep Shepard off their feet?

Old fashioned romance. Holding open doors, pulling out chairs, compliments, intimacy it’ll make her swoon.

45. How many unread emails are in their inbox?

She tries to be meticulous about it so not a lot.

46. What does your Shepard get competitive over?

Kill counts and video games.

47. What museum is your Shepard going to? natural history, science, art… the zoo, aquarium?

Shepard loves aquariums and museums that deal with automobiles along with planes/ships.

48. What kind of a sleeper is Shepard? Sprawl out, hog the covers, octopus…. How many hours do they normally sleep?

Typically gets five-six hours. To get long she needs to be exhausted. She likes multiple blankets and isn’t necessarily a hog but doesn’t curl up either. Tends to spread her legs out though. So Nihlus and Kal get kicked but then they just tangle their legs together.

49. Do they have any morning or evening rituals?

Jenn looks over emails/paperwork as she eats breakfast. She likes to take a shower before sleeping as to keep her bed clean.

50. What scents in particular draw Shepard in?

Fresh scents, or musky ones.

+1 what, to your Shepard, is a good death

Going out quick in combat. So the slow death of asphyxiation sucked (obvi)

1. How often does Shepard use the omni-blade?

Often. She’s close range so it comes out a lot. It’s why she only uses one pistol, to keep one hand more maneuverable for the blade.

2. What does the Virmire Survivor think of Shepard?

Oh boy. Jenn and Kaidan are complicated and messy. They immediately click but over time realize they’re different fundamentally. Kaidan has an idea of her in his head of her being the hero people say she is and he wants her to be better but Jenn always falls short. Maybe she could’ve, but then Eden Prime happens and she needs to kill the Reapers. She fights with herself to make sure she doesn’t bring the galaxy down with them. like. There married. They’re divorced. They could have been. They never will be. They love each other. They’re not in love. They work too well together. They clash too hard. They will never truly hate each other. They’re too similar in the wrong ways, and too different in the ones that matter.

3. Top three comfort movies:

Alien (1&2), Meg, Ocean’s 8.

4. How many languages can they speak (without the translator)?

Russian and Spanish. Can understand Mandarin, better at reading it. Can read some alien languages.

5. Does Shepard keep a log/journal? 

Nah. Does not have the time.

6. What kind of driver is Shepard?

She used to be the getaway driver for the gang. So. I hope that conveys how (not) good she is. Though, she is good in the sense that she never gets caught, and no one dies.

7. Shepard witnesses a petty crime. What is their response?

She deals with it.

8. Revenge, or the high road?

Revenge though she hates herself for not controlling herself enough to take the high road.

9. What will always distract them?

Kal or Nihlus. They’re good at pulling her away from work. A problem arising will always catch her attention.

10. Does Shepard ascribe to any sort of faith?

No. She doesn’t want to think about if her entire life has been planned out and she can’t do anything to change it, or that there’s some deity out there with all this power and not doing anything to help people.

11. Fondest childhood memory?

The first time she had hot chocolate. One of the local schools open up their gym for soup and hot chocolate during a winter. She got new gloves, had a nice bowl of soup and got tiny marsh mellows in her hot chocolate. She thought about it for days afterwards.

12. Most embarrassing adult memory?

She lost a bet and had to wear neon armor. Horrible yellows, greens and pinks together to be acid trip from hell.

13. What does Shepard choose to do about Gavin Archer?

Puts a bullet between his eyes. Canonically, she takes David to Grissom and lets Gavin wonder about his fate, so he ends up killing himself.

14. Is Shepard the type to gossip?

Doesn’t seek it out, but will indulge Joker, Tali, and Kasumi. Will listen to others as well.

15. How does Shepard react to Garrus’s Archangel reveal?

So fucking surprised and relieved to see a friendly face. Quickly gets switched to concern because the proper mess he found himself in. A little proud because he got three different merc gangs to team up against him and he’s still not dead.

16. What was the N7 program like for Shepard?

Hard and grueling and so worth it. It made her better, and she found three people who she considers her family, and they stick around.

17. Go-to karaoke song?

She does not do karaoke but if she’s forced to it will be Tequila by The Champs.

18. What choice does Shepard make on Rannoch? 

Shepard saves both quarian and geth fleets. If pushed though, she would have chosen the geth. They don’t need medical attention or food or water or sleep.

19. Which kind of reaper do they think is the ugliest 

Harbinger. Fugly lookin thing

20. Can they dance?

Can do line dancing. (cupid shuffle anyone?) Can be taught dances but on her own she’s a mess.

21. What is Shepard’s relationship with Hackett?

Annoyed that he’s using her as his problem solver because she’s a Spectre now. But still does it because it needs to be done and she’s a “if you want it done right, do it yourself’ typa person. Hates him after she learns about Alchera. She only does the Arrival DLC because Hackett mentions the Reapers.

22. What’s their alignment? Paragon, renegade, a mix…

Paragade trying desperately to be a paragon and failing.

23. Got any allergies? How bad?

No allergies, not even dextro stuff. If the pollen is bad, she gets hit but nothing else.

24. When’s their birthday, and how old are they?

Canon Shepard birthday: April 11. She’s twenty-nine during me1 and dies right before her thirtieth birthday by five days. She gets resurrected seven days after her thirty-two birthday.

25. Trash talk or potty mouth

Yes.

26. What’s their temper like? 

Righteous fury is a good way to describe her. Tries to keep herself in check, so she comes across as cold because of it. She’s simmering under it all.

27. What does Shepard think of Bakara?

Thinks she’s the coolest. Delights that she calls Wrex out. They become easy friends.

28. A reoccurring nightmare:

A mesh of the vision, prothean civilization in ruin, and the ruins we see of current civilizations from the missions Shepard goes on. Oily shadows that whisper quotes from dead teammates, but also their voices come from long dead Protheans pleading with Shepard to stop the Reapers, to save them. Shepard can’t get any escape from the Reapers, waking or sleeping hours.

29. Which news correspondant/journalist does Shepard bring on the Normandy? What’s their relationship like?

She doesn’t bring any on the Normandy. She likes Wong the most.

30. Who’s got the biggest crush on Shepard?

Besides Nihlus and Kal? Probably Conrad let’s be real.

31. What kind of relationship do they have with Dr. Chakwas? Which doctor do they bring her on board for 3, and why?

Keeps Chakwas on board for me3 because that’s her doctor. Likes Chakwas and while she doesn’t like medical, Chakwas understands so that’s help. She also doesn’t really admonish Jenn a lot because over time she realizes that Jenn isn’t going to stop she Chakwas does.

32. Who has Shepard’s grudging respect?

Udina. Aria. Hackett. She doesn’t like them but they are smart and powerful. Respects TIM’s power but hates him fully.

33. Reaction to the window over their sr-2 bed 

Flips flops between liking the view of the stars and hating that it reminds her of her death. Learns to like it out of spite because like hell is she gonna let the Reapers take the stars from her.

34. Does Shepard want children?

Nope! Does not want the responsibility of an entire life in her hands. Besides, she’s fucked up but the end of me3 she does not want to put a kid through that even when she starts to get better. I think she’d be a great mother, she just doesn’t ever want to test it. Doesn’t ever want to regret having a kid. It’ll kill her.

35. What does Shepard consider their greatest mistake?

Dying the first time without destroying the Reapers. It doesn’t help that as she’s dying the vision is calling her a failure.

36. Did Shepard enjoy the heists with Kasumi?

She does! Makes her feel like she’s in a vid. Ignores how it reminds her of her gang days though.

37. Does Shepard ever play matchmaker?

Yeah. She manipulates the crew a little.

38. A silly daydream:

Nihlus, Jenn, and Kal making a pillowfort and just lazing away. There’s a pillow fight.

39. What kind of media do they consume the most?

Music and documentaries of any sort.

40. Favorite ice cream flavor: 

Chocolate chip cookie dough.

41. If Shepard has a LI, what would they say are a couple of Shepard’s flaws? And strengths?

Flaws would be her tending to isolate and be rigid in her thinking of how things need to be done. Strengths would be her courage and righteousness.

42. Are they quick to laugh, or slow to smile?

Quick with small smiles and short, light laughter. Harder to get wide smile and loud/long laughs.

43. What does it take to earn Shepard’s trust?

Put your money where your mouth. Prove that you will do what you say. Stay committed, and she’ll be committed to you.

44. Top three people shepard thinks are hotties:

Miranda, Victus, and Shiala.

45. What’s the easiest way to gross them out?

Does not like puke. Will handle it if need be but hates it.

46. What are some of their favorite combo moves with team members out on the field?

Loves throwing people in Liara’s singularity. Any combo where she can detonate truly.

47. Can they forgive easily, or are they the type to hold a grudge?

Holds grudges. Evident with Liara. Some people, Nihus/Kal, no matter what they do, she’ll always forgive. (well, depends on what they do. She has some lines)

48. Does Shepard have a good sense of direction 

Yes. She has to as a soldier.

49. Did they enjoy their party on the Citadel?

Yes! All the people she cares about are all together, safe and happy and she doesn’t have to worry about anything except broken furniture.

50. What is Shepard’s ending?

She chooses destroy and lives on. That’s canon. In my fics, she lives on Rannoch and the Citadel, builds a house on Rannoch with Kal and Nihlus. Gets into simulation gaming and racing. Keeps building her models and when she starts slowing down, does commissions for people. Where she builds and paints them before shipping them off.

+1 …got any kinks?

Size difference, biting, likes tying Kal up. Overstimulation.

1. When was the last time Shepard cried?

Jenn really only cries at big moments: post-reanimation, after Alchera, when the Reaper war starts. When confirmation comes that the Reapers are destroyed.

2. First impression of Miranda—and does it change?

Cerberus cheerleader. Hates her. For bringing her back, for being with Cerberus. Over time, she learns more about Miranda, comes to understand her and Shepard knows that she needs to win Miranda over to succeed on. They do form a good relationship.

3. The game Shepard will always win:

Billiards.

4. Do they like living on a ship?

Jenn loves space, so being on a space ship is awesome to her.

5. What skills come naturally to them?

Lying. Marksmanship. Puzzles.

6. What abilities have they worked hard to hone?

Her biotics. It’s not easy to do the shit she can do, so she’s very proud of it. It makes the disconnect between her and her implant post-reanimation more difficult for her to work through. Along with her tech skills.

7. The very first time they killed someone: 

I haven’t decided when Jenn first kills someone, but it’s definitely during her time in the game and when she was still young. Around Thane’s age when he first killed someone.

8. Shepard walks into a bakery. What do they order?

Giant chocolate chip cookie.

9. How did they feel about being promoted to Spectre?

Before vision, she dreaded it. Post vision, she’s thankful for it because it’ll give her the power, she needs to do what she needs to do stop the Reapers.

10. Favorite drinking buddy and why:

Wrex and Chakwas because they are very fun.

11. What does Samara think of Shepard?

Strong-willed, competent. They share the understanding that ruthless acts must be committed for the greater good. Admires Jenn for that. If things were a little different, a little kinder to them both, maybe they would have had a mother/daughter bond. But it’s unspoken and untrodden.

12. Where do their thoughts linger? The past, present, or future?

The future. She constantly is thinking about how to manipulate the galaxy into preparing for the galaxy. She’s got a chess board in her head on how to defeat the Reapers.

13. It’s Shepard’s turn to cook. What’s on the menu? How does it go?

She can cook a mean steak. No matter how you want it, it’s perfect.

14. Describe Shepard’s funeral:

Well. In the Sour Apple Baby verse, Ashley, Kaidan, her three N friends and Anderson from the secondary marine team carry her casket. It’s the standard honored veteran funeral. After though, the SR-2 team pile into the Alenko’s farm house into the basement and get drunk off their asses and pass out down there. Ashley sprawled upright on one end of the couch, Kaidan's head in her lap and Tali laying on his chest. Garrus is on the floor at their feet and Wrex is passed out in the armchair, chair near horizontal. Liara sleeps on the love seat and Nihlus is also on the floor but the only one with a blanket.

15. What draws Morinth to Shepard?

The dangerous aura that Shepard exudes lol. Shepard is a fighter and competent. Morinth likes that.

16. How well does Shepard know Kai Leng?

Really only learns what’s in his dossier. She doesn’t care enough to learn anything more. She’s going to kill him. It’s doesn’t matter.

17. During a mission, Shepard breaks an arm. Badly. How do they handle it?

It’s an annoyance. Continues on because that’s what she does. She doesn’t like the bone knitter because it itches but it’s the only way to get this fixed fast.

18. Three rumors about Shepard:

Jenn and the Consort had sex. Jenn is Hackett’s kid.

19. Table manners?

She’s kind of a neat freak, so yes.

20. What was their first reaction to seeing their glowing scars in 2?

Because of them she doesn’t think this is body, and she’s very confused about them. Gets angry about them because they bring her pain and some of them open only to immediately close afterwards. Pokes and prods at them. Misses her old diagonal scar that went from eyebrow to cheek because at least she earned that one. These scars just make her look like the monster she thinks she is.

21. Why did Nihlus choose to nominate Shepard as a Spectre candidate?

Namely her actions on Elysium. That’s how Spectres need to act. To do big acts like this.

22. Describe their posture: 

Military posture most of the time. Watch Jack Webb walk and you’ll see.

23. Was Shepard born to lead, or was command hoisted upon them?

Both. A natural leader who doesn’t want to but will.

24. Do they fall in love easily?

No. It takes time because she’s reserved and doesn’t want to get hurt. She can like a person quickly and unexpectedly. But she never accidentally falls in love with someone. She always chooses it.

25. Does Shepard dream of the starchild, or does it take a different form?

Shepard does not dream of the child. Her nightmares consist of oily shadows, her crew, and long dead protheans.

26. A lesson that was hard to learn:

She needs to do what people need from her.

27. Who was their first crush?

A girl from school. Math class and they sat next to each other. The girl has gorgeous brown hair and a delightful laugh. Made Shepard not feel like a waste of space.

28. How do they feel about all the new cybernetics Miranda installed?

Hate that it happened without her consent but appreciates the edge it gives her. Once she gets used to it all.

29. Does Shepard remember dying?

Yeah. She remembers every second of it before she passed out. Including the part where the vision screamed at her that she was a failure.

30. One of the dumbest things they’ve ever done:

Getting the Mako stuck between the two boulders on Therum.

31. What is their favorite story to tell? The one that they get such a kick outta sharing that the gang could probably recite it from memory by now 

Probably when she first took down a thresher maw.

32. What kind of drunk is Shepard? Affectionate, weepy, belligerent… 

She’s very uncontrolled, so undignified. Affectionate and happy.

33. Describe their laugh: 

Deep and throaty. More chuckles than not. When she wheezes you know you got her.

34. What was it like, facing a reaper on foot?

Exhilarating. Terrifying. Vindicative. Righteous.

35. Are there any friendships that form among the crew that surprises Shepard?

Joker and Miranda. Tali and Thane. Wrex and Tali.

36. What sort of thrills do they purposely seek out?

Firefights. Too fast driving. Too high spaces.

37. The first speech Shepard ever gave. How’d it go?

Decent for a first speech. Didn’t really fuck it up, only stumbled a couple times. She gets better with the speeches.

38. Do they celebrate holidays? Which is their favorite? 

Doesn’t really do anything big, but doesn’t not do anything. I don’t think Jenn has a favorite holiday. Maybe New Years.

39. Longest friendship?

For canon characters it’s Kaidan and Anderson. For OCs it would be the three friends she made in N school.

40. What does Udina think of Shepard?

A powerful tool to be used. It takes him to while that he truly can’t control her. Best to work with her to try and reach a compromise.

41. If they were sent back to any moment in time, when would it be, and what would they change?

Back to the SR-1 to save Nihlus.

42. What song is their anthem?

Dead Man’s Party by Oingo Boingo.

43. They come into an insane amount of money. How do they spend it?

Good gear. Tries to invest.

44. What sort of relationship does Shepard have with the council? 

A necessary evil. They’re both trying to manipulate each other. Shepard succeeds.

45. Three things Shepard is bad at:

Emotions. Dancing. Singing.

46. Favorite candy?

Blue raspberry hard candy.

47. Who is Shepard’s date to the Citadel party?

Canonically, it’s either Kaidan, Tali, or Wrex. Non-canonically, she’s got both Nihlus and Kal on her arms.

48. What is Thane’s fate?

In Jenn’s non-canon verse, he lives because fuck Kai Leng. Kolyat, Samara, and Shepard convince him to get treatment for Kolyat. Mordin, Miranda, and Chakwas put their heads together and come up with something for him.

49. What’s the perfect lazy-day shore leave?

Sleeping in, good food, hanging with the people she loves.

50. What do they think of the leviathan?

She’s a hater. Hates how arrogant they are, hates that they created the Reapers. Really, truly, wants to kill them but she needs their power for the War. After though…

+1. How long can Shepard hold their breath?

Twelve minutes.

1. What is Shepard’s favorite store on the citadel?

Spectre Requisitions.

2. What is the public’s opinion/awareness of Shepard?

A hero, a traitor, the only hope they have. She’s an inspiration by the time the Reaper War arrives. 

3. Armax arsenal arena: do they participate? How do they like it?

 Oh, hell yeah, she participates. She gets number one fast and loves it. She becomes a simulation gamer after the war and participates in tournaments and such. 

4. Shepard wakes up in an alternate universe. What tips them off?

 Jenn has gotten used to grounding herself in reality so it’s the little things that are wrong tip her off.

5. What kind of relationship does Shepard have with Javik?

 “You and I commander, war is our sculptor” / “we win this and we’ll both be set free” I CANT WITH JENN AND JAVIK LIKE— They’re very similar. Jenn is fully committed to destroying the Reapers and that is Javik’s mission. Also, Javik helps her navigate the vision. Because she’s not prothean and hasn’t been trained, she can’t disconnect the emotions the beacon gave her (fear, grief, anger etc). So, he helps her finally not feel what the protheans were feeling when they used the beacon. It helps, a little. It still screams at her, but now she’s not entirely anxious all the time.

6. The first thing a person notices about Shepard’s appearance:

The scars. Whether they’re the diagonal scar she has in me1 or the renegade ones, those are noticed first.  

7. How approachable are they?

 Jenn has a resting bitch face, so not really. But she is very willing to help if you need it.

8. What is the difference between me1 and me3 Shepard? Do they notice, or does someone have to point it out?

 Jenn is a lot more focused and angry because the Reapers are here. More of a hardass.

9. Did/does Shepard have any alien biases?

 Not really? I think she had some inherent stuff just because first contact just happened in her life time, but she gets through them quickly.

10. How do they handle a teammate being badly injured during a mission?

Near ballistic. Very protective of her teammates. Blames herself.

11. Who is in their inner circle?

 Pretty much the SR-1 crew. Plus Nihlus and Kal of course.

12. What does Udina think of them?

 A powerful tool to be used. It takes him to while that he truly can’t control her. Best to work with her to try and reach a compromise.

13. What does Shepard think of Saren?

 What could’ve been. A coward. Someone to kill. Hopefully someone she doesn’t turn into.

14. Is Shepard’s first death publicized? (Since in game seems both people know about if and the alliance covered it up)

Yes. The Alliance goes all out with the propaganda, using her likeness and image and her poor unfortunate death. Council uses it to smear her and discredit what she was saying about the Reapers.

15. Did they have any relationships pre-me1? Still around?

 Romantic? No. Friendships, yes; her N school friends.

16. What additions did Cerberus give Shepard?

She’s faster, stronger, more dense, heals faster. Her senses are heightened. She has night vision. Because she has a new implant, it takes a couple weeks before she can access them again. Thinks a bit faster too so all her haptic neuro stuff is faster too.

17. Have they done any interviews? How did the first one go? And the most recent?

 She did interview with Al-Jilani and went it… all right. Didn’t like the questions but that’s what she gets for doing a street interview.

18. What do they think of the alliance?

 A way out of the gang. Has critiques of it, but ultimately just lets herself be ordered around because she doesn’t know anything else.

19. What are they like, when in a bad mood? How obvious is it?

She’s more brash and blunt about her bad mood. Tends to isolate so she doesn’t take it out on anyone.

20. Does Shepard’s armor hold any significance to them? What about a weapon?

Her N7 armor does because she earned that and she wears it proudly. She gets attached to the M-77 Lancer because she misses the heat sinks and hates thermal clips.

21. What was Shepard like before the alliance?

 Scrappy, rude, belligerent, cold, reckless, carefree almost.

22. What was the post-lazarus reunion between Shepard and Joker like?

 Shepard is in shock—that he’s here, and that he’s standing with only his leg braces, no cane or crutches in sight. She gives him a big ol’ (but gentle) hug and is so relieved to see him alive. The feeling is mutual.

23. Ever had a broken heart?

Once. She got a boyfriend a little bit after bootcamp, and it got serious. Serious enough Jenn was thinking about the future, and how she could balance Alliance work with a relationship. She then found out he was cheating on her.  

24. Are they funny?

In a dry, sarcastic way yes.  

25. Have they made pursuits into further education? Any degrees?

Only has a high school diploma. Hasn’t given much thought to college/university. Maybe Nihlus convinces her to do something post war as he’s getting a degree in architecture.  

26. Does Shepard have a Twitter account

YES. An official one that she’s mostly professional on and a personal one where she always cusses the council out on after every meeting.  

27. The last time they were rude to someone:

To Valern, when he refused to let the krogan women go so she could make a cure. She basically tells him that he either releases them, or she goes and gets them. Which no one wants. Except Wrex.  

28. Does Shepard have any family?

No blood relatives. She has her N friends, her Anderson, and then the Normandy crew. 

29. Does the Alliance use their image for propaganda/recruitment? Did they agree to/want it?

The Alliance definitely does. Before Alchera and after it. Shepard doesn’t quite like it when she’s alive—the hero image and all that—but she hates it after Alchera.  

30. A moment that almost made Shepard quit:

It would have to be during me2 and before Alchera. Shepard’s rage in descending into a depression. Yes, she has her crew (Garrus, Ash, Nihlus, Joker) but she’s stuck with Cerberus and no one has done anything to fight the Reapers—not truly—and two years has been wasted. Then Horizon happens and Kaidan spits in her face and she thinks “what’s the point of it all?”  

31. Ask Dr. Chakwas: what kind of patient is Shepard?

Could be better. Should come more often to get checked out, but when she’s in the medbay she’s a good patient.  

32. Is Shepard the type to give speeches?

Short ones. She knows some people need that inspiration and confidence.  

33. What does the council think of their first human Spectre?

A pain in the ass. Diversity hire. Can’t fault that she gets results. Shepard’s desired results, but results nonetheless. And then they realize as the Reapers hit that Shepard’s been finessing/manipulating them the entire time. Grudgingly impressed with what she’s accomplished.

34. What was Jack’s first impression of Shepard? And now?

Cerberus lackey. But quickly realizes that Shepard has command because she has experience. Experience that Jack doesn’t have in some situations (like Reapers). Now, Jack has her respect because of all the things Jenn has done and also because Jenn doesn’t take any shit. She’s taking what she wants, she just doesn’t do it as immediately as Jack does.

35. How was that mako joyride from ilos to the citadel?

Shepard had a blast. Everyone else though… 

36. What was going through Shepard’s head, when they met Sovereign on Virmire?

She’s filled with rage and fear, and the vision is screaming at her KILL THEM. She’s face to face with the enemies the vision has burned into her bones. And so soon after seeing the vision again, she has a lot of images and emotions going through her. She’s like buzzing with it. After, when they go back to fighting, she’s noticeably angry and more brutal.   

37. What is their favorite way to eat potatoes?

Cut up and pan fried with seasonings.  

38. Lucky, or unlucky?

 Lucky. Jenn has a lot skill and is very competent but sometimes she does think she shouldn’t have walked away from that. Especially because of Lazarus.

39. What would Shepard say their flaws are?

Her ruthlessness and brutality. How little morals she has. How few lines she has that she won’t cross.  

40. What’s their pain tolerance like?

 High pain tolerance. Won’t break her.

41. Shepard’s been turned into an animal! What are they?

She’s a dark-colored cat. Multicolored, black, brown, tan and white too. Thick fur. Sharp claws.

42. Does Shepard imagine what retirement will be like?

 She doesn’t think she would ever retire; she would die in the field before she reached that. But then Nihlus and Kal come along, talking about dreams and fantasies and she lets herself get lost in them when they talk about it. Otherwise, she purposely doesn’t think about it because she doesn’t want to get disappointed.

43. What would they rather: wake up four years into the past, or four years into the future?

She would answer that she would go back to the past and do everything better, now that she knows what’s going to happen. The real, secret answer is in the future in an attempt that she did get the happy ending Kal promised her and she can be done with it all.  

44. Does collateral damage matter to Shepard?

She tries to make it matter to her. She does care about civilians. That’s her main focus. If she can get them safe she will do so. Everything else falls away.  

45. Do they vote?

 Yeah.

46. Favorite bar/club in the galaxy and why:

Probably Flux because it’s a bit more polished so she doesn’t have to worry about crime the entire time.  

47. Do they let others take care of them?

 Case-by-case basis. She’s independent and tends to isolate so it’s hard. But Nihlus and Kal are just as stubborn so she gets better with it. Post-war she has to let people take care of her.

48. How does Shepard feel about paperwork?

Doesn’t entirely hate it. It’s uniform and normal in a way she appreciates.  

49. What do they wear to sleep?

Baggy shirts and shorts.

50. What was the last thing (non-email) Shepard read? Book, play, poem, essay etc

 Probably an article about weapons or armor.

(+1 would you bang your Shepard? Lol jk we all know the answer to that. Share your favorite fact about them!)

Her bones glow because of the weaves you can upgrade Shepard with in me2. Miranda already put those weaves in during the re-animation and since Shepard was woken up before she could fully heal, they glow! She’s a little glow stick.

[ronqueesha]

I can't find the post where I was asked which Chaos God my various OCs would fall victim to, so I decided to rewrite my thoughts.

I actually can't see Jane Shepard falling to chaos. What I find more interesting and compelling is if we look toward Age of Sigmar and the Stormcast Eternals. I can easily see Jane becoming one of them. Instead of Cerberus bringing her back after her death on Alchera, the god Sigmar inducts this most courageous and heroic warrior into his ranks of nigh-immortal warriors.

Kallian Tabris has enough rage in her heart to easily be swayed by Khorne. Her desire to see the humans who killed her mother brought to justice would be the stepping stone toward his corruption. Khorne isn't just about wanton slaughter and bloodshed, he also stands for honorable combat and even justice in his own violent way. She would try to use Khorne's power for good at first, to bring bloody retribution to those who deserve it. But that's an inevitable path to damnation.

Tzeentch would absolutely love Sarit Ramesh. At her core, she will always be the sickly little girl who grew up in the slums of Neon, whose lungs were permanently damaged by the city's industrial runoff, and whose body will always be frail and weak. She wants to fix these problems by improving herself through technology. Seeking change and growth by replacing her own body parts. She is also much too smart for her own good, and is willing to throw laws and morality out the window if it means she won't live another day in pain. The changer of ways can latch onto these plots and schemes, and turn her into a very capable servant.

You'd think that Iona would be the perfect servant of Slaanesh, since that chaos god is often stereotyped as the god of sex, debauchery and perversion. Maybe her Saints Row counterpart would be swayed by the dark prince, but Pathfinder Iona is actually much more vulnerable to Nurgle. Her entire slutty, outgoing persona is a shield to protect herself from the deep existential dread of her near-immortal half undead existence. Iona does not want to live for a thousand years, but she will. So she deals with the pain by self-medicating via sex and drugs. However, that core of hopelessness and inevitable decay is precisely where Nurgle lives. And he would love to corrupt her.

A Nurgle worshiping Iona would not become a bloated, festering, rotting sack of meat like most of his servants, however. Iona would keep her looks, and she would retain her hyper sexual lifestyle for the same reason she adopted it in the first place. It's just that everyone she sleeps with would find themselves deeply infected with the plague god's newest and most deadly sexually-transmitted gifts. Spread from Iona's most intimate encounters, infecting the world with the same despair she has been consumed by.

The OC I could actually see falling to Slaanesh is Zoe Iwasaki. While she does have a kinky side, it's not what the dark prince would actually latch onto. Like I said before, Slaanesh is often stereotyped for their sexual nature, but that's not actually what they embody. Slaanesh is actually the god of excess, passion, obsession, decadence and pain. Zoe has a pit deep in her soul that she thinks will only be filled with money and power. She is angry at the world for the things her father and other people did to her, and she wants to get revenge but not through bloodshed or even legal justice. She wants to prove everyone wrong by making herself wealthier, more powerful, and a legendary icon of Night City that will be remembered forever. She pushes herself to extremes to see this done, and she manipulates, deceives and hurts others just like she was hurt in pursuit of this goal. (poor Judy) This pursuit of an impossible goal is what drives many people toward Slaanesh, and Zoe would be a perfect victim.

[cr-noble-writes]

So a couple of hours ago or something, I reblogged this post and said that I had some thoughts on it. Now that I've dropped my mom off for her surgery, and I am not going to be able to sleep any time soon thanks to my anxiety, I'm gonna share them.

Here's the thing. I love the post and the idea of Shepard immediately recognizing that they're on a Cerberus station. It would, in fact, be far better tension-wise than the reveal from Jacob, imo.

But. But.

I actually wish the opposite. I wish the station and staff were entirely unmarked as Cerberus. Shepard wakes up in a completely unmarked station, the last thing they remember is the Normandy being attacked by an unknown, unmarked vessel over Alchera. They have no idea at this point that they've been dead for two years. And now, they're under attack again and all they can do is trust that the voice on the intercom is actually trying to save them. Because the other option is death.

I actually wish Jacob had just... not revealed that they were Cerberus at all. I wish he'd kept his mouth shut. I think the reveal would have been a much, much bigger deal had the lid been kept on it until Shepard's first meeting with The Illusive Man. I think it would make more sense narratively for a few reasons. One being that I don't honestly think Cerberus would have a brand (yes, I do understand why they had a brand in-game. From a gameplay and marketing perspective, it makes total sense. But from a narrative perspective, not so much. If anything, having everything branded as Cord-Hislop would make more sense narratively. I digress.)

So you've got all the tension of the fight to get off the station and the shuttle ride to... the next station that's built up, and then you get the super cool dramatic shot with the comms room and the first meeting with TIM. And that's where you drop the bomb on Shepard.

Anyway, this is obviously just personal opinion, but I think that leaving the reveal until that first meeting with TIM would have the maximum effect. Thanks for coming to my anxiety driven TED talk!